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Just realized it's been more than four years since the first Levi article here. drat. Still going strong, too.
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| # ? Sep 23, 2012 20:06 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 02:37 |
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quote:Learned this one the hard way at the national debate tournament. Threw an elbow at raj chatterjee during the semifinals and busted out his front teeth and pulled a full on disquali. No time in the box just straight up 'youre out" and also I think my school might have got sued so bad they had to shut down the varsity girls basketball team but big loving deal those lesbians haven't won a banner since like 1998 when big ruth hollister was still living in the trailer park on church road out towards the airport and they got that banner took away when it turned out she was doping on resomine she stole from that army ranger that got arrested for trying to take an underage girl to get a tattoo while intoxicated. This is the best sentence ever in the history of everything.  Levi, never stop keeping on keeping on.
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| # ? Oct 11, 2012 14:15 |
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I laughed out loud at the term "chemosoppy."
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| # ? Oct 11, 2012 15:51 |
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I loved the new one, but in re-reading the previous article, this section is just gold. Levi Johnston posted:I hate going to the hospital though. It reminds me of the time my grandpa was in the hospital. I remember going in there to his hospital room and how sick he seemed and how scared I was. He was there to get a pump put in his balls that let him pump up his chode like one of those shoes you used to pump up. He never was quite the same after that and he died soon after. Got shot by a security guard trying to rob a credit union with a dry ice bomb.
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| # ? Oct 11, 2012 21:48 |
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Levi Johnston posted:Also if you are Asian it helps because nobody can tell if they even have emotions. Even when their planet was destroyed they didn't care.
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| # ? Oct 11, 2012 23:59 |
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I hoped the debate tips would in some way include pulling the jersey over your opponents head and pummeling him. I was not disappointed.
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| # ? Oct 12, 2012 10:57 |
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There's something about Levi's weird ranty blend of pop culture trash that reminds me of the dialogue in The Thick of It. Which I'm really loving, is what I'm saying.
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| # ? Oct 17, 2012 14:01 |
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Will marriage change the gentle free spirit we all know and love?  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbi...by-weekend.html Edit:  quote:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbi...ze-Beretta.html bonestructure fucked around with this message at Oct 30, 2012 around 11:56 |
| # ? Oct 26, 2012 13:11 |
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Levi that isn't how you hold a baby!
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| # ? Oct 31, 2012 01:36 |
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Read the article closely. Thank God the three year old hasn't got knocked up yet!
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| # ? Oct 31, 2012 20:09 |
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I'm surprised there was no update before the election. I'd imagine we'll be seeing one this week.
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| # ? Nov 6, 2012 20:48 |
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I am like 2 sentences in and "mayor Chip Crispy" has me crying. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/lev...pring-break.php
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| # ? Nov 8, 2012 15:01 |
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I think it's hilarious Levi has no idea who Chris Christie is or what Israel is but knows Laurel and Hardy.
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| # ? Nov 9, 2012 05:21 |
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Ammat The Ankh posted:I think it's hilarious Levi has no idea who Chris Christie is or what Israel is but knows Laurel and Hardy. Probably cause his loving Canadian satellite TV made him watch one of their movies.
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| # ? Nov 9, 2012 08:53 |
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quote:Blaze up. Soak in some rich and rare. Go rent a yacht or something and go out in international waters and blow off some steam. Do a bunch of crazy international waters poo poo like shoot rocket launchers and rebroadcast NFL games to whale pods and deface currency and cross a human with a tomato plant. You've got the money. Buy a robot and treat him like poo poo. Get a Chrysler 300 and just go nuts on it with some golf clubs. Pretend it's Jay-Z's Phantom like everybody else does. I was already laughing over "blues legend Starch McCracker" and then I hit this.  Clearly marriage hasn't slowed Levi's roll.
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| # ? Dec 6, 2012 12:47 |
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This whole thingquote:You looked pretty haggard, Rum Tum Tugger. Like somebody who just got laid off from a call center at the end of a Friday....
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| # ? Dec 6, 2012 18:36 |
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This one was excellent. My two favorite lines: "The mormon church would have one less ivory obelisk and nobody would have funded that school to teach mexicans about cyclops or whatever it is with you shitheads." and "Other than that I guess you can ride rollercoasters at Disneyland and buy bottled water at Costco dressing like your hat is trying to escape you." Amazing.
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| # ? Dec 6, 2012 21:21 |
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Awesome stuff. Take care mitch.
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| # ? Dec 6, 2012 23:12 |
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http://www.somethingawful.com/d/lev...control-nra.php Another fantastic article today. The highlight for me was, "They call me Chinese Levi at the pharmacy because when I walk in all kinds of red flags start going up." Brilliant!
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| # ? Jan 17, 2013 17:12 |
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I can barely get past "...it had marshmallows, walnuts and cat seizure pills? I call it Rocky Garfield.". Another corker!
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| # ? Jan 17, 2013 21:23 |
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Levi Johnston posted:And then the cop was like "this is illegal parking" and I was like "jesus dude cut me some slack I am loving drunk as hell" and he did not cut me any slack. When you get that drunk, all you want people to do is cut you a little slack. It's hard enough to find a parking space when sober.
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| # ? Jan 18, 2013 02:13 |
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Levi "HOckey" Johnston posted:Can't rain all the time but it was raining that night and put the fire out befor it did anything which is probably just as well because I did it outside the police station for when they gave me a parking ticket for when I went to the Walmart and all the handicapped spaces I normally park in were taken so I drove into the garden center and parked there. And then the cop was like "this is illegal parking" and I was like "jesus dude cut me some slack I am loving drunk as hell" and he did not cut me any slack. Levi leads such a storied life. Reading this series is like reading the increasingly frenzied diary of a madman in an H.P. Lovecraft novel, except Lovecraft is dressed up like Tyler Perry's Madea in order to score some cheap Vicodin.
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| # ? Jan 18, 2013 02:20 |
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I'm a fan of the "tan genitals" line, myself.
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| # ? Jan 18, 2013 14:23 |
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I definitely need some Rocky Garfield. This article was loving amazing. Thank you, Zack.
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| # ? Jan 18, 2013 15:00 |
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quote:Plus they put up pictures of Predator and mrs. doubtfire at the CVS so they know not to sell to me when I walk in. I'm working on my three-man giant worm creature costume with articleated face, but I need to find the right voice actor to do his VO. I love everything about this scenario - Levi as a master of disguise and special effects prodigy, a picture of Predator up on the wall behind the counter with "DO NOT SELL TO" written on it, an indifferent pharmacist handing over a bag for a giant worm monster to pick up in its mandibles before undulating out the door like it's the most normal thing in the world.
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| # ? Jan 19, 2013 01:33 |
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I used to be obsessed with finding a place in the world similar to Burroughs' Tangiers/Interzone-- well, my new obsession is finding Levi's Wasilla. The day I stumble into a pharmacy and there's a picture of the Predator taped on the plexiglass, I'll be home.
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| # ? Jan 19, 2013 05:08 |
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http://www.somethingawful.com/d/lev...-cpac-palin.phpquote:So since I wrote something already I don't want to have to write something again for this gay (no offense gays I mean it like "weak and stupid" not "homosexual" all dude respect to your lifestyle) enjoyable human being computer column so here is the speech I was supposed to give Respectful Levi is my favorite Levi.
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| # ? Mar 21, 2013 18:07 |
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"That leaves Michelle Bachmann. I saw her having a staring contest with a picture of a cobra in a magazine and she was winning." This had me in stitches.
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| # ? Mar 21, 2013 23:04 |
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I love the idea of Levi getting up on stage and telling the GOP to make oxy legal. 
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| # ? Mar 22, 2013 00:41 |
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Oh man I must have missed the last few updates. From last month:"Levi "HOckey" Johnston posted:Long story short apparently making a man eat his own beard is a second degree felony. I thought for sure I was going to get time in lockup which would be cool because I could hang out with Tucker and reopen my pruno bar in the laundry, but no, the judge said the jail doesn't want me anymore. The idea that Levi is such a menace to society that not even the jail wants to deal with him is glorious.
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| # ? Mar 22, 2013 21:05 |
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In a few more years' time, neophytes to politics are going to struggle to believe that there was ever such a man as Levi Johnston, and that he ever held any fraction of the political spotlight. It'll be one of those dating political references, like Billy Beer.
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| # ? Mar 22, 2013 21:33 |
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| # ? May 19, 2013 02:37 |
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I wish an angel would come to me at night and make me spray AIDS jizz everywhere.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2013 17:29 |
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