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LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Thanks to replicator anomalies, the sewage system onboard is currently inoperative and we are being forced to use alternate methods. The problem is compounded by said anomalies causing quite spectacular quantities of waste being generated from food created in the malfunctioning replicators. We've run a level 2 diagnostic, but it has found no adhesion dampening. I've sent a team to repair the auto dissipation beam, in the hopes that the emergency bio hatch will reset. If this doesn't work, I intend to set a course for Flatulon IV in the hopes the transporters will be able to deposit the horror that has engulfed decks 26 up to 11.

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Entropic
Feb 21, 2007



I bet no one in Starfleet knows how to cook and quickly end up horribly malnourished if their replicators ever failed. Except for those few officers with Cajun Dads.

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate 92401.7:

The Captain is bitching about the loving toilets again. I told him to just beam his poo poo into space, but that rear end in a top hat just likes to gripe.

EX-GAIJIN AT LAST
Feb 12, 2002

Is it that he has a genius for leadership, or merely that you have a genius for being led?

The captain should eat more fiber to loosen his logs up a bit.

bort
Mar 13, 2003



Darmok and Jilad at Tanagra

Doctor's assistant's personal log, stardate 92401.76
I am unable to understand even basic logic. I lose the thread.

bort fucked around with this message at Sep 17, 2008 around 22:12

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate 92401.8

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. I informed the Captain that we desperately needed to change course for Starbase 431 immediately, as I simply cannot repair the auto dissipation beam with the resources available on the ship. The captain traded most of our tools to a Ferengi freighter crew two days ago, in exchange for a badly beaten and obviously-drugged Dabo girl.

Upon hearing my request, he looked at me with an eyebrow arched and told me to "try realigning the deflector dish". The gently caress? How the hell this jackass scored command of a vessel is beyond me.

The captain then turned to the helmsman and ordered "Warp 12, engage!", at which point everyone on the bridge rolled their eyes. I threw my spanner down on the deck in frustration, and told the computer to put in a vessel-assignment transfer request for me.

ALL-PRO SEXMAN
Nov 8, 2006

Veni, vidi, Lombardi.


Chief Maintenance Engineer's Log, Stardate 92401.8

Why oh why do Academy graduates turn into morons whenever there's a hiccup with the plumbing. THE HOLODECK CAN'T BE USED AS A TOILET YOU JACKASSES! THERE ARE PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL EMERGENCY DISCHARGE UNITS IN THE CARGO LOADING DOCK!

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate 92401.9

So I'm stuck here until we rendezvous with the USS Pasteur, a really gay-looking medical vessel, after which I'll be conveyed to Starbase 431. In the meantime, I'm heading to the crew lounge. Apparently a replicator is on the fritz there.


Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate 92402.1

Son of a bitch. Someone thought it would be funny to rig the replicator to replicate ten gallons of whale sperm the moment I accessed the maintenance hatch. I'm heading to my quarters for new uniform and two or three sonic showers.

FrensaGeran
Aug 12, 2007



Senior Ops Officers Log, stardate 091708.17

The Chief Engineer, one whom I considered a trusted friend, hacked into the holoprojectors and placed an image of the holographic doctor above my head which follows me at all times.

Next time perhaps I will bite my tongue when criticizing the Doc's tour of duty assignments.

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


FrensaGeran posted:

Senior Ops Officers Log, stardate 091708.17

The Chief Engineer, one whom I considered a trusted friend, hacked into the holoprojectors and placed an image of the holographic doctor above my head which follows me at all times.

Next time perhaps I will bite my tongue when criticizing the Doc's tour of duty assignments.

Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate 92402.2

Hahahholyshit, Lt. Cmdr. FrensaGeran thinks I hacked the holoprojectors to make that EMH image follow him around all the time, and he's been pouring over security logs for the past 6 hours trying to find the subroutine so he can disable it. Poor bastard's gonna be there all night; I really just stuck a mobile emitter on his back along with a "KICK ME" sign while he wasn't looking. I sorta feel bad, but the guys down in Engineering were egging me on...

Entropic
Feb 21, 2007



Cadet Ricky's log, Stardate 90210.1

God dammit. My CO and his buddies thought it would be funny to put me in the holodeck while I was asleep with it running a program that simulated the whole ship as accurately as possible with the exception that every person from the Captain on down was obsessed with Jimmy Buffet and talked about him constantly. I was in there 'til I'd used up all my goddamn holodeck time for this mission. I should have known something was fishy when Riker let me join his Jimmy Buffet cover band. That would never happen in real life, Riker's a dick to the cadets.

McSpanky
Jan 16, 2005




Ensign Redd Schert's personal log, stardate 3497.1:

Just three days after being assigned to the Enterprise, I've already received my first real assignment. I'm scheduled for a landing party in half an hour with, get this: Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy! The security chief's briefing indicated that we're exploring a planet known for its rare and valuable mineral deposits used in life support systems. There's no sign of Klingons at all and the natives are reputed to be friendly and welcoming of strangers -- I'm sure it'll be a walk in the park, and a great start to my long and illustrious Starfleet career. I couldn't have chosen a better post!

McSpanky fucked around with this message at Sep 17, 2008 around 22:01

Tighclops
Jan 23, 2008

Override authorization 4-2-0 Epsilon; Computer, increase ambient THC levels by 400%.


Lieutenant Buck McSweeney's personal log, stardate 3324.20402.40204024.4.44..4.5.

How the hell does this stardate system work, what time is it, I'm loving late for everything who thought of this?!

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Captain's log, Stardate 90210.2

Apparently the waste created by consuming replicated food also causes an inverse tachyon field when whale semen is created with the replicators. [REDACTED] Thus, I have ordered our Chief Engineer to accompany our Chief Maintenance Engineer and several cadets to the surface of Flatulon IV in an attempt to jury rig some sort of phased plasma containment field. [REDACTED]

Captain's Log supplemental:

Due to a transporter malfunction, anything beamed back to the Enterprise is broken down into it's constituent elements, therefore we are unable to retrieve the away team. Conditions on the surface continue to degrade, and the atmosphere is already 89% methane. I've advised the away team not to heat rocks with phasers while we work on the problem.

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Security Chief's Log, Stardate 90210.3

One of our betazoid crewmen has reported sensing feelings of hatred and anger emanating from the... "substance" in the lower decks. He believes that it may be some form of sentient life, though I find this doubtful. I will dispatch a poorly-prepared security detail to investigate and to build dramatic tension.

Mach5
Aug 1, 2004

Shatfaced!

Transporter Chief's log, 90210.4

Attention fellow crewmen: Please stop tinkering with the transporter in order to reach the evil parallel Universe, okay? It doesn't work now that we have multiple trans-phasic subspace filters and several dimensionally redundant coordinates hardwired into the thing, so at best you're running a pretty high risk of being duplicated into an emo crybaby and a savage, surprise sex-crazy alcoholic. Next person who tries it gets to spend the next three weeks in the brig with his alter-ego and the Space Hippies. Captain's orders.

Mach5 fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2008 around 00:08

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Captain's log, Stardate...uh, it's around here someplace...yeah, ok, stardate 90210.5

The transporter chief has gone insane and is recording his logs in the voice of T.J. Hooker. I can't say this comes as any surprise, given what he's trying to transport out of the lower decks.

Supplemental:
It appears he's even forgotten that the space hippies were beamed into space to make room for the...fertilizer. I guess he managed to get some shrooms off them somehow before he beamed them off the ship.

Mach5
Aug 1, 2004

Shatfaced!

Transporter Chief's log, 90210.6

Shrooms? I never touch those vile things. Now, on the other hand, space poppies? The colors...the colors.

Also, due to an ion storm, the main transporter systems will be unavailable for the time being. Anyone who wants to go to the Nazi, or Roman, or cowboy planet or whatever the hell we're currently orbiting will have to use one of the shuttlecrafts, even though they're about as aerodynamic as a brick. Have fun, but make sure to take that Wesley kid along, because I'm sick of him and that neurotic engineer who's always freaking out about the smallest little things. Make sure to dress them in those old style, standard-issue red security togs while you're at it.

Oh, and can someone get a maintenance crew down to deck 12? Those drat tribbles have gotten into the waste reclamation systems again. What won't those things eat?

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Captain's log, stardate 90210.7

For Pluto's sake, our transporter chief doesn't even know what planet we're orbiting. That explains why half my security team is currently "chilling" around the fourth moon. These drat kids today don't even know how to steer. They think "standard orbit" is a space rock band. As soon as we get done with boldly going on Flatulon IV, we've been ordered to the Troi Expanse, the largest spread in the galaxy, for some much needed shore leave.

Mach5
Aug 1, 2004

Shatfaced!

Transporter Chief's Log, Supplemental: Stardate 90210.8

I think the Captain is out to get me. I haven't slept for days, and there are hardly any chairs on this ship, let alone restrooms. When does anyone sleep around here? And why do I have to stand up for my entire shift? It's playing hell on my knees. Now I know why everyone drinks so much Synthehol.

That Q guy showed up again. I suggested to the Captain that this guy wasn't some all-powerful, godlike alien, and that he was probably using some kind of advanced replicator or nanotech-based tech which we could probably figure out and disable, what with having a sentient computer as a crewmember, but the Cap would hear nothing of it, instead opting for going on endless debates about the future of humanity with this cosmic jerk. Kirk would have kicked this 'Q's' rear end in about a half-hour. But, to be fair, I did like the Mariachi band he conjured up.

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Security Chief's Log, Stardate 90210.9

The security detail has unsurprisingly failed to report back. The crewmen who reported sensing the emanations from the... substance has also been found dead in his quarters. The doctor says his brain literally exploded inside his skull. Recommend contemplating philosophical issues in the briefing room while we wait for dramatic tension to crescendo.

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate (dunno beamed down without a watch)

Go figure. We're stuck on Flatulon IV, and I really don't think we've much chance of getting off this stinking poo poo pile. I mean, our chances are pretty loving slim considering our captain has a touch of Downs to say the least, and our Security and Transporter Chiefs have been flirting with each other so hard lately that I'm sure they've barely noticed we're stranded.

We've located a crashed shuttle craft lodged in what looks like an enormous dung heap. Under my direction the away team is salvaging parts and components that I've outlined in an impromptu manifest. Once we've gutted the vessel for it's power cells, cell inverters, inverter couplers, coupling manifolds, manifold inverters, and manifold power-inverting cell couplers, I am going to attempt to fashion a sub-harmonic transport field amplification array, activating our orbiting ship's transporter and saving our sorry asses.

And once I'm back on that god forsaken, poo poo-soaked ship, I'm going to show everyone an Insurrection that doesn't suck.

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Security Chief's Log, Stardate 90210.X

Chief Engineer is technobabbling at an increasing rate. Recommend immediate confinement to the brig.

FrensaGeran
Aug 12, 2007



Chief Holodeck Cleaner's Log, stardate gently caress it

gently caress. I am so loving sick of this poo poo. Ever since we left Risa, I've been on triple loving shifts. The first officer just had to pick up the "Sluts of Omicron IV" holosuite BOX SET, and now every crewmember and their targ has to cover MY walls in THEIR man-mustard.

And I'm gonna find whoever keeps making GBS threads in there. No matter how many signs I post on the door, douchebags keep doing it.

Look, YOUR poo poo IS NOT HOLOGRAPHIC. STOP making GBS threads IN HOLOGRAPHIC TOILETS.

Ayatollah Hermione
Apr 3, 2007

sometimes


Yeoman's Log, Stardate: 90211.6

I've been stationed aboard the Enterprise for six weeks, and still haven't figured out what the heck a yeoman is. I have managed to avoid suspicion by standing slightly behind and to the left of the captain while holding an electric shaver.

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Security Chief's Log, Stardate Unknown

The... substance has fused itself with the ship's computer and is slowly taking over the ship's functions. Our phasors are still functional, but firing them in the methane-laden lower decks would be futile and embarassingly fatal. We may have to take drastic actions, or the U.S.S. Starship will be under complete fecal control in a matter of hours.

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


DocFrance posted:

Security Chief's Log, Stardate Unknown

The... substance has fused itself with the ship's computer and is slowly taking over the ship's functions.

ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP REPEAT ALL HANDS...

Captain's log, Stardate 90210.1

Thanks to replicator anomalies, the sewage system onboard is currently...

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


LooseChanj posted:

ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP REPEAT ALL HANDS...

Captain's log, Stardate 90210.1

Thanks to replicator anomalies, the sewage system onboard is currently...

CHIEF ENGINEER: Strange, I've seen these cards before...

ALL-PRO SEXMAN
Nov 8, 2006

Veni, vidi, Lombardi.


Chief Maintenance Engineer's Log, Stardate Whatever

I am seriously going to phaser the next person to set their replicator to "dongs". It's not funny to have to clean up a compartment full of disembodied Klingon genitals. Seriously, why would you even think to replicate those things? Furthermore, why would you want to?

Cmdr. Butthole
Sep 23, 2005

DS9 4 LYFE
SMOKE KETRACEL WHITE
EVERYDAY


Niggard Please posted:

Chief Maintenance Engineer's Log, Stardate Whatever

I am seriously going to phaser the next person to set their replicator to "dongs". It's not funny to have to clean up a compartment full of disembodied Klingon genitals. Seriously, why would you even think to replicate those things? Furthermore, why would you want to?

Chief Engineer's Log: Stardate (still can't find my watch)

poo poo. The Chief Maintenance Engineer found my replicator pattern for "dongs".

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Captain's log, Stardate...uh, a little after the last one.

Something tells me beaming all this klingon genitalia to a klingon ship wouldn't be nearly as funny as it was with tribbles. Then again, maybe it would. But the point is moot since I can't find the transporter chief. He's probably replicated some space weed.

Mach5
Aug 1, 2004

Shatfaced!

Transporter Chief's log, Stardate this morning.

Captain, I've diverted power from the warp drive and created a massive site-to-site transporter by inverting the deflector dish thingy and generated a massive quantum/anti-colon particle field to get rid of all these Klingon dongs and fecal contamination. These fumes must be getting to me, because I swear one of the bigger lumps scrawled the words 'No Kill I' on the floor before I beamed it out to deep space. Look, I know we're supposed to seek out new life and new civilizations, but I really think we should overlook this one. Can't we go looking for some more green chicks instead?

Mach5 fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2008 around 16:19

LooseChanj
Feb 17, 2006

Logicaaaaaaaaal!


Captain's log, Stardate 90210.12

This incident with the replicators and Flatulon IV has the entire crew on edge, and we are in dire need of some serious R&R, but starfleet has ordered us to Eroticon VI to put down an uprising of nubile virgins, so we must put off...in...er, wait a second. Nevermind.

hobofood
Jun 15, 2007



Helmsman's log, Stardate 90210.13
I think the captain is under the influence of some kind of brain parasite that was not picked up by the biosfilters when he beamed up from Flatulon IV. It is probably out of temporal phase. The captain is ignoring all suggestions from his crew and is sat in the captain's chair, rubbing himself and muttering about orders from starfleet command to go to a gay bar on the edge of Romulan space.

Falken
Jan 26, 2004

Do you feel like a hero yet?


Lieutenant Falken's personal log, stardate 90210.15

I can't believe how incredibly awesome the captain is, it's hard to hear myself think. I'm terribly heartbroken that he's not gay, I feel so lonely.

I love this loving ship.

Somebody fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2008 around 16:30

Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Security Chief's Log, Stardate 18 September, 2308

Captain seems obsessed with reaching Eroticon VI as soon as possible. Why he would be so interested in a Ferengi colony, I have no idea. He may be suffering from space dementia, or some after-effect of the recent excrementory invasion. I've asked Chief Medical Officer to sedate him and bring him to sickbay when he's not looking.

Fister Roboto fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2008 around 16:42

Mach5
Aug 1, 2004

Shatfaced!

hobofood posted:

Helmsman's log, Stardate 90210.13
I think the captain is under the influence of some kind of brain parasite that was not picked up by the biosfilters when he beamed up from Flatulon IV. It is probably out of temporal phase. The captain is ignoring all suggestions from his crew and is sat in the captain's chair, rubbing himself and muttering about orders from starfleet command to go to a gay bar on the edge of Romulan space.

Transporter Chief's Space-memo to the crew (posted on the mini-fridge in the rec room, just starboard of the bowling alley).

I wouldn't worry too much about it, guys; it sounds like Captain Sulu's loving around with us again. Remember that time he was running around shirtless with a sword? He was practically prancing around asking random crew members if they were 'of the body' and kept asking our esteemed Captain if he wanted to see his 'Great Bird of the Galaxy'. He's awesome in that way.

Also, someone owes me 20 Quatloos from our last 3-D chess match. You know who you are, you deadbeat.

Varance
Oct 28, 2004

Ladies, hide your footwear!

Chief Medical Officer's personal log, stardate 90210.01209

The Security Chief asked me to bring the captain to sickbay for an examination, by force if necessary. When I tried to sedate him, he lifted me off my feet by the crotch and started mumbling something about Ferengi physiology before throwing me against a bulkhead and prancing down the corridor. No way I'm trying that again. I'll just tell the Security Chief that he checked out okay. It's better that way.

Varance fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2008 around 16:48

GSV Fuck Your God
Aug 27, 2003

small-l liberalism


Ensign's Personal Log, Stardate 90210.420

I ordered the replicator to produce 1000g of weed as well the necessary incendiary apparatus. Am proceeding to hotbox entire cabin. Out.

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Fister Roboto
Feb 21, 2008



Replicator Chief's Log, Stardate 90210.421

Replicators are malfunctioning yet again due to a sudden, massive surge in requests for potato chips.

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