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Chief Medical Officer's personal log, stardate 90210.01209 The Security Chief asked me to bring the captain to sickbay for an examination, by force if necessary. When I tried to sedate him, he lifted me off my feet by the crotch and started mumbling something about Ferengi physiology before throwing me against a bulkhead and prancing down the corridor. No way I'm trying that again. I'll just tell the Security Chief that he checked out okay. It's better that way. Varance fucked around with this message at 17:48 on Sep 18, 2008 |
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Sep 18, 2008 17:41
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Chief Medical Officer's log, Stardate 90210.458 I haven't been this relaxed since the last time I shot myself with 500 cc of Benzodiazepine. Varance fucked around with this message at 19:17 on Sep 18, 2008 |
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Sep 18, 2008 18:55
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Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 90211.69 I'm having a hard time dealing with the recent influx of security guards. Usually they only die a handful at a time, but it seems that the captain really outdid himself this time. I don't think we have enough torpedoes to give them all a proper funeral, so maybe we can use cargo containers this time. Not like I'm going to be able to do that anytime soon. The helmsmen brought me some female Vulcan patients to examine, but I haven't been able to get them to settle down. The moment they saw the dead security guards' bodies, they started using them for sexual activities. I tried to explain that it's medically dangerous to pleasure themselves with dead bodies, but they just shrugged and called me illogical. They seemed to be saying something about rigor mortis between moans. Where does the captain find these people? One of them confused me for a dead body. I haven't been this happy since the last time we had shore leave on Rubicun III. I'm just going to say they checked out fine. It's better that way. Varance fucked around with this message at 22:10 on Sep 19, 2008 |
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Sep 19, 2008 01:29
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Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 90212.10 The Vulcans finally finished with the last of the corpses. The Captain heard what was going on in sickbay and wants to see all of them in his quarters as soon as I've given them all a full medical evaluation. While I found his choice of location odd, he did say that his ready room was ill-equipped for proper diplomatic relations. Since we accidentally beamed all of the torpedos and cargo containers off the ship with all of the feces earlier this week, I'm just going to have the EMH drag the bodies into random crew quarters in the lower decks and turn off the environmental controls until we can give them a proper funeral. After what happened, I don't think anyone lives down there anymore. I just hope the Chief Science Officer cleaned out the leftover nanoprobes from last month's Borg assimilation attempt. The last thing we need is security guard drones roaming around the ship. Varance fucked around with this message at 22:07 on Sep 19, 2008 |
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Sep 19, 2008 06:01
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Chief Medical Officer's personal log, stardate 90212.33 1/3: I think I need to send Cadet Sparky back to the academy. Romulans? Really? If they were Romulans they'd be trying to kill us, not trying to have sex with us. Besides, if they really were Romulans, what am I going to do about it? I'm a doctor, not a security guard! I'll deal with this later. One of the Vulcans just came back to sickbay looking for some "medical treatment," if you know what I mean. I wonder how much money I can make broadcasting this one... Chief Medical Officer's personal log, supplemental: I'm just going to format the PADD. It's better that way. Varance fucked around with this message at 22:14 on Sep 19, 2008 |
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Sep 19, 2008 22:03
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Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 90437.-2: I'm happy to report that all cases of Martian Mindfungus have been cured. Unfortunaltely, we lost half of our fresh detail of security guards in the process. There was an unfortunate life support accident outside of Life Support Control while they were attempting to give one to the Chief Life Support Officer. Rather than try that again, we sent the EMH. He always gets the job done. On a side note, the suppositories have caused unforeseen medical complications among the crew. People complaining of hemorrhoids and problems walking straight have keeping me very busy. Dr. Marie Delacroix asked me to help her with an experiment involving the Xerxes system today. What the gently caress? I thought she left that poo poo on the USS Von Braun when she transferred. An uprated Intrepid-class starship is no place for experiments like that. People start doing stuff like that on board and the next thing you'll know, we'll be stuck in the delta quadrant like that one ship. What was it called again? Oh yeah... the USS Plot Device. Chief Medical Officer's log, supplemental: All of a sudden, the air smells so much better... the Chief Engineer must be back from his away mission. Remind me to invite him to sickbay to enjoy some of this fine Romulan Ale... and give him his suppository.
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Sep 22, 2008 20:35
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Chief Medical Officer's personal log, stardate 90249.2 One of our Vulcan friends crawled into sickbay via the Jefferies tubes. Not even going to ask why she was in there. It's better that way. After my latest attempt to show her what bedside manner really is, she apologized and said she would be getting off when the ship arrives at Starbase 420. We can't have that, now can we? Nothing a hypospray and a little heavy memory conditioning can't fix. Funny thing, during the procedure I discovered that those Vulcans really are Romulan. Vulcans... Romulans... same thing, especially when you brainwash them to think they're Orion sex slaves! The EMH is escorting her back to my quarters while I find the rest of them. He asked if he could spend a little time with her to "expand his programming." I had no problem with that... hell, for all I know he's just going to practice his holophotography. Varance fucked around with this message at 02:55 on Sep 23, 2008 |
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Sep 23, 2008 02:46
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