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Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

This is my first thread ever after lurking for a long time so forgive any mistakes. Many of you frighten me almost as much as you hypnotize me with your magical ways.

To the point. A few weeks back I broke up with a girl that had been slowly choking my soul to death and took solace in the forums here. I read a bunch of posts in one of the OKCupid threads and thought to myself, "Hey, self, you should do that. It will at least provide entertainment at work and who knows you may catch a lucky break."

I busted out a quick profile and suffered through far to many stupid questions in the process and was away. Footloose and fancy free, a bachelor on the internet. I felt like I was coked up at studio 54. Fantastic!

Fast forward to Christmas eve as I come home from a strip club a few friends and I attended to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior. He is Alpha and Omega and Tawny had a nice rack. Drunk and by myself, I sat down at my PC full of strange stirrings below that were quickly drowned out by the heart shattering weight of loneliness and sorrow at what life had become. Strip clubs, drunk, internet...I could have made it worse by logging into an old Maple Story account and searching for a group by I did one better. I logged into OKCupid.

This is drunk dialing for the new millennium. I ran a search for any other looser online on Christmas eve and then started say hi and wishing merry. Three people responded. Two of them are very cool and fun to talk to so obviously that's not my story.

This girl is the story:


That evening we chatted a bit and she seemed nice enough. Calm and pleasant she said she wasn't out because she broke up with her man a week prior so her plans had fallen apart. I expressed my concern and condolences. She said he and her had planned a trip for the states in the new year and she was a bit upset that she wouldn't be able to go now. Maybe that should have been the first flag but 5 shots of Jamesons had me slightly bleary. She told me she preferred to chat on yahoo so i said ok and speed created a yahoo account with no useful info on it.

Drunk on the internet is no excuse to let you vigilance wane fellow goons!

Good thing too. Next time we talked she started calling me baby and honey. Some people are just like that though so I sorta let it slide and asked if she had a pic that wasn't taken from a 9 year old camera phone. She said sure and set an image on her yahoo account.


I scratched my head. Men with flags waved at me. Sorry, woman(if that is indeed your name)I don't buy it. The pic seemed too professional. I decided to play along and see what the end would be. Told her she was gorgeous. No lie the model certainly is an attractive lady. She claimed to be from Sherwood, UK. Maybe irony in that.

We started to exchange e-mails on yahoo. Shoe number one on all my doubt dropped:

quote:

Hii, well really short of words,cos i dont think i need to make you believe im REAL it sounds crazy that you dont believe me or are you just playing mind games,bcos if you are its not working for me.... I liked you from the day we met and ever since i went to see my mum been thinking and missing you wish i was with the laptop we could have said more but wasnt cos i was not prepeared to stay with her but she fell ill and i couldnt leave her...Listen if you gonna trust me trust me and if you are not donyt bother......Im willing to come and take my time to know you and share my feelings with you bcos you really sound serious and a man that is ready to have long relationship which im also looking for. I know your Job wont permit you travelling expecially when the new season has just began,and baby if its about the funds i will return it back to you immediately i have it..... Common baby we both know you can do this just to see the woman you wanna be with... let me know your mind towards this....."

This email was written in hot pink with the comic sans font. Strangely, I found that much more offensive than the content. I was firmly of the mind that she was fake. Then she asked me to help her with cash to buy a plane ticket to come see me because she was thinking of me always. I played along and said I wanted to see some more pics so I could be confident to help her. I received a few images like this:



Thus begins my plea for assistance. Upon firmly realizing from my crown to my cock she/he/it was fake I pledged to create problems. The chats took a new tone. The names have been changed to help promote the truth. I find it interesting to note that the time stamp was goading me on:

quote:

[13:37] fakegirl001: so baby are you going to send me the funds today on your way to work???
[13:37] fakegirl001: or you have not decided yet??
[13:37] internethero7: well i did look at my bank statement but then something awful happened and my car died
[13:38] internethero7: if i dont have a car its real hard to get to work here
[13:38] fakegirl001: what do you mean sumtyn awful

The proto rickroll:

quote:

[13:57] internethero7: Its just like right now we are almost strangers
[13:58] internethero7: i mean i know you pretty well i think and your soo wonderful
[13:58] fakegirl001: so baby send it to me today
[13:58] fakegirl001: lol
[13:58] fakegirl001: baby we are not
[13:58] fakegirl001: Strangers
[13:58] internethero7: if you were here you would get a full commitment from me
[13:58] internethero7: what you havent been getting from other guys
[13:58] fakegirl001: ohhh,now im a stranger to you
[13:58] internethero7: no
[13:58] internethero7: i just want to tell you how i am feeling baby
[13:58] internethero7: i just want to make you understand

The pointless inane shout out:

quote:

[14:00] internethero7: i will be right back
[14:01] internethero7: the boss wants to go over emergency exit procedures
[14:01] fakegirl0011: ok baby
[14:01] internethero7: its silly crap i wish i didnt have to do
[14:01] fakegirl0011: just go baby
[14:01] internethero7: all he is going to say is "always use the stairs" if there is a fire

I tried directing the conversation to odd things like self cutting or wild stories about my ex hitting me in bed but she would avoid it and somehow move back to me sending her just 1000 dollars and she would make it so I never had to worry again.

A friend and fellow goon (Pointdev)suggested that I should move the conversation towards...oral sex. The kids call it a blow job these days right? Took some wrangling and haggling but I made that happen. Graphically. I then moved it through a more general tour of holes and degradation. It cost me dearly in terms of sanity since all I could think of was either a Russian or a Nigerian guy in a hovel with a 10 year old dell smoking a hand rolled cigarette snickering at the fool he is making of the American. It also cost me 1000 more imaginary dollars. I was forced to up the amount to 2000 bucks for a ticket for her if she can wait till Monday to receive it. Her describing depraved sexual acts was to ensure we were compatible physically.

I have no intention of sending the money. That's why I am here. Advice. Should I call this person out. I lean to no. I'd like to string it out for humor and perversity. So tell me whats the best way to keep this going past tomorrow when she expects the funds wired to her? I thought I might claim the Western Union people had received complaints about the location she wants the money wired so I cant wire it there. Might buy a day or two.

My friend ran down the persons email address and she is not indeed from England but instead in in Mauritius in the city of Ebene.

Also to wrap it all up any funny that may come from this will probably not happen if her OKCupid profile gets a goonrush. I didn't include it so we don't scare her. I am imagining that once I get through with the girl some other lucky person can pick up the thread and beat the last horrid drops of fun from its bones.

Thanks in advance for the assist. There are a few more e-mails from her and certainly plenty of chatlog but most of it is redundant so I left it out.

Altarran fucked around with this message at Jan 5, 2009 around 00:31

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Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

**update***

While i was writing this came into the yahoo acount:

quote:

Damon, We've become very close in the past few days, closer than either of us even imagined. I'm scared too,Damon. I'm most afraid of you not giving us a chance. If you let the fears you are having stop us from even giving this a chance, then we'll never know what it could have been. i will not want us to regret it Damonim.There's something between us. I have no idea what it is, but I do know that it's good. Whatever it is that makes it so easy for us to be together, Baby, is definitely something good.Honey......
Here are a few things I will do with you when we are toether in this lifetime:
Damon i want to Be your best friend.
Get caught with you in the rain.
Dance with you in the rain.
Stargaze on a clear night.
Watch the sunset together.
Spend all day with you doing nothing.
Moonlit walks on the beach.
Be more proud of you than I already am at this very moment.
Go on a carriage ride through the park.
Do a crossword together.
Go to brunch.
Have a disagreement (it could/will only make us stronger).
Go for a twilight horseback ride.
Watch a bad movie together.
Spend the rest of my life with you.
Have our picture taken together.
Eat ice cream with you.
Make love to you passionately.
Go to a museum together.
Talk to each other using only body language.....Baby,I want to Gently run my hand across your cheek and look into your eyes.
Blindfold you and take you somewhere romantic.
Spend my life making you happy.
Spend my life making our family happy.
Feel your heartbeat.
See our unborn child/children in your eyes.
Go roller/ice skating together.
Give you a backrub just because.
ALWAYS being honest with each other.
Go hiking/camping together.
Have our first fight, make up and feel a stronger bond because we very successfully weathered the storm - together.
Marry you.
Laugh at someone together.
Share a plate of spaghetti.
Damon i just want to Treat you like my Lancelot.
Go on a road trip across America and any other place we can think off........ And baby put it at the back of your mind that you are a special part of me and cant wait to be in your arms.... Damon make sure you send the funds to me first thing in the morning before you get to work so you can give me the details when you come online...I Care about you my Angel...

Just so you know Damon is the name of a Wicked cool character I played in a tabletop RPG!!! Yes, I am a geek. More so because the full name is Damon Matthews (Matt Damon). I needed a name quick, so sue me)

mark-p87
Sep 27, 2006
Really Dystopian Rhetoric

You haven't changed 'her' name in the last chatlog.

Hot Dog Hotline
Jul 24, 2004

Hello? Hello?

1st question to ask yourself: "Would a girl this hot really need to scour the internet for a date?" Was the profile blank except for the pictures, and had she not answered any questions? Fortunately it's pretty easy to tell which ones are scams and which one's aren't.

It is kind of lame, I hadn't really been seeing any fake profiles on OKCupid until a few months ago. Guess all the craigslisters are moving on.

Edit: I don't think you really need to put any more proof towards it being a scam profile, despite how much GBS loves chat logs.

Nitrox
Jul 5, 2002

SUPER PIMP ... defender of his own interests.

Chat logs? E/N in GBS? You need to lurk some more.

Eat This Glob
Jan 14, 2008

my ice, my ass.

I like your writing style, OP. Pretty funny, but I have no advice for you. Unless you wanted to go 419 buster style and have her/him hold a sign up saying something wacky.

Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

I asked around and was told that GBS with a help tag would be the place to go with it. As soon as the first image after the profile got to me I was pretty confident she was fake. So The help I need is how to string her along for a bit longer.

I have seen a few fakes on OKC recently.

Propagandalf
Dec 6, 2008

itchy itchy itchy itchy

Tell her you can wire the money to her IP address, walk her through the process of how to figure it out and post the results here.

Senior Woodchuck
Aug 29, 2006

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home


Thanks for letting us know you're an idiot.

Walter
Jul 3, 2003

We think they're great. In a grand, mystical, neopolitical sense, these guys have a real message in their music. They don't, however, have neat names like me and Bono.

This happened to me. It's totally legitimate, and she's a hell of a lay. I say go for it.

Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

Thanks woodchuck.

I have tried to get her to take pics that cant be faked like kidnapping victims do or terrorists. She claims her camera is busted. Not sure they even have cameras of the Coast of Africa?

Wake_N_Bake
Dec 5, 2003

I love to argue by using all caps. I feel it helps keep people from noticing that I have little or nothing to add to any given conversation. I also

Altarran posted:

Thanks woodchuck.

I have tried to get her to take pics that cant be faked like kidnapping victims do or terrorists. She claims her camera is busted. Not sure they even have cameras of the Coast of Africa?

You are awesome.

Raere
Dec 13, 2007



WNxOddJob
Sep 20, 2008

by Lowtax


Send her a p-p-p-powerbook.

Jailbrekr
Apr 8, 2002
A TOWN LEVELED BY AN EXPLOSION? DOZENS LIKELY KILLED? OH GOD LET ME SEE THAT SWEET VIDEO OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING


Altarran posted:

Just so you know Damon is the name of a Wicked cool character I played in a tabletop RPG!!! Yes, I am a geek. More so because the full name is Damon Matthews (Matt Damon). I needed a name quick, so sue me)

You picked the wrong name my friend,

WNxOddJob
Sep 20, 2008

by Lowtax


That or send her a list of things you want to do back to her in your lifetime. I'm sure the gewny goons would have no problem with providing you a list of unique and interesting things to send to her.

1. I want to poo poo on your chest while staring into your eyes.
2. I want to gently caress your sister with a hot exhaust pipe...

ect.

ZeeBoi
Jan 17, 2001



Raere posted:





You rear end.

belt
May 12, 2001



Try and get her on a phone call and record it. Send her on a wild goose chase to random western unions.

Jailbrekr
Apr 8, 2002
A TOWN LEVELED BY AN EXPLOSION? DOZENS LIKELY KILLED? OH GOD LET ME SEE THAT SWEET VIDEO OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING


ZeeBoi posted:



You rear end.

Pffft, :regd01:

Edit: Damnit, no 2001 emoticon.

Megaman
May 8, 2004
I didn't read the thread BUT...

belt posted:

Try and get her on a phone call and record it. Send her on a wild goose chase to random western unions.

DO THIS, the is a great idea!

Clanpot Shake
Aug 10, 2006
shake shake!

Block her and flag the profile as fake?

Jayb0b
Jun 30, 2007
Jonny H-Bomb

I dunno man. She wants to go rollerskating and share a plate of spaghetti. Are 2 g's not worth those everlasting memories?

Megaman
May 8, 2004
I didn't read the thread BUT...

quote:

"Have our first fight, make up and feel a stronger bond because we very successfully weathered the storm - together.
Marry you.
Laugh at someone together."

quote:

Marry you.

quote:

Marry you.

Send her ALL your money now!

gi-
Aug 18, 2004


I was able to find a better picture of your international 'girlfriend'


Click here for the full 500x750 image.

Megaman
May 8, 2004
I didn't read the thread BUT...

gi- posted:

I was able to find a better picture of your international 'girlfriend'


Click here for the full 500x750 image.


hahahaha nicely done

Oral Slither
Aug 26, 2006

You know, I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

gi- posted:

I was able to find a better picture of your international 'girlfriend'


Click here for the full 500x750 image.

Op, you should let her know that you've got a higher quality picture of her.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Oh this thread just got fun as gently caress. Photoshop a different face on there and send it to her, saying it's your ex.

belt
May 12, 2001



gently caress, OP. This bitch is hot send her the loving money.

Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

gi- When she gets here you get the first crack at her...Guantanamo style. Awesome find. If I had realized she was a model it would have all made sense to me. The blocks fall into place.

I am selling my house boat to get the money now.

I will also look into getting her number and recording a call somehow.

michigan jack
Mar 12, 2008


magnificent7 posted:

Oh this thread just got fun as gently caress. Photoshop a different face on there and send it to her, saying it's your ex.

Keep the head, change the body. The head is really the only recognizable feature.

druglife
Jan 20, 2004
is that it?

Say that you bought round trip tickets but, you need an address so the shuttle knows where to pick her up at.

Smoetihng Awufl
Jul 1, 2008

CaTs rULe DoGz DrOoL
its true and you know it


belt posted:

Try and get her on a phone call and record it. Send her on a wild goose chase to random western unions.

This! Tell her you're ready to send her money but you just want to hear her beautiful voice

druglife posted:

Say that you bought round trip tickets but, you need an address so the shuttle knows where to pick her up at.

Yes do this. Tell her instead of sending her money you're sending her tickets as a surprise, and that they should be here tomorrow!


\/ Some of us do. Scamming scammers is fun

Mr. G
Aug 23, 2007

by angerbotSD


Yeah... no one cares you tried to have a bit of fun with a scammer.

E: Actually I'd like to see your profile since said scammer must have thought you were an easy target.

Mr. G fucked around with this message at Jan 5, 2009 around 01:03

christovsky
Mar 31, 2007

It's called multitasking ya jerk

Make up some story of why you need money and try scamming her. Obviously it won't work but it will be funny.

WAFFLEHOUND
Apr 26, 2007

A DOG THAT FUCKING LOVES WAFFLES

Mr. G posted:

Yeah... no one cares you tried to have a bit of fun with a scammer.

E: Actually I'd like to see your profile since said scammer must have thought you were an easy target.

But it's wicked cool fun or some such poo poo.

Altarran
Apr 11, 2006

I LOVE YOU ARIEL!

I am an easy target. Talk to me sexy and I am totally yours. I will even cook you spaghetti in the rain while we dance. Wouldn't be the first time.

Getting the call might be tough cause they are off the coast of Africa and this really isn't worth an international call to me but I will see if she will call me.

I am currently leaning towards telling her I saw the price of tickets and it was 3k so I used my frequent flyer miles to get some tickets. I think I will let her know this at the end of a long uncomfortably weird e-mail.

scopes
Jun 5, 2004

TROUT TROUT TROUT


Altarran posted:

I am currently leaning towards telling her I saw the price of tickets and it was 3k so I used my frequent flyer miles to get some tickets. I think I will let her know this at the end of a long uncomfortably weird e-mail.

This sounds promising, how soon does (s)he usually take to reply?

henpod
Mar 7, 2008

Sir, we have located the Bioweapon.

Ok, I like this sort of stuff. Consider me

-Misfit-
Apr 20, 2005

I come in the name of Jesus Christ by the power of the holy spirit Bitch!

Altarran posted:

I think I will let her know this at the end of a long uncomfortably weird e-mail.

So business as usual.

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

murdered by owls
Jun 12, 2006

Mourners omit feathers.

Altarran posted:

I am currently leaning towards telling her I saw the price of tickets and it was 3k so I used my frequent flyer miles to get some tickets.

The only problem is that this strategy doesn't require any actual time-wasting effort for the scammer. The Western Union runaround seems like it would be more effective - at least then you would know that the scammer would be driving all over the place, getting more and more frustrated, chasing a payoff that will never happen.

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