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rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


post funny things from the e/n forum

Losem posted:

In a drunken stupor, I got all nostalgic and went looking for people from my past. I stumbled upon a picture of the lady who crushed me and I spent the better part of 3 years getting over and it's making me physically ill. I'm literally throwing up just seeing the picture. To make matters worse, I DESPREATELY want to talk to her again but I know it's for the best if I don't.

namechange please posted:

Just recently I broke up with my girlfriend from high school. We went to different colleges, but that's not what makes me sad because it was an amicable split, she wanted to focus on her studies and her position in her sorority while I wanted to do more mission trips out of the country. What makes me sad is that its like she's a changed person. We've been trying to stay close but I don't agree with a lot of the life choices she's making right now. I think her sorority sisters are a bad influence and are leading her down a path of sin and ruin.

It's like every day there are new pictures of her on facebook dancing with a different boy and holding a solocup or a beer. I haven't seen her at church in weeks. She wont even answer the phone when I call anymore. I'm really worried about her and I'm considering talking to her mother about this (her mother and I are very close still, I visit her probably once a week) but I'm worried that might only drive her to hide all of her bad habits.

So that's why I feel bad.

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rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Regicide posted:

It's my birthday.

I wanted this birthday to be one with a girlfriend... so much for that.

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



it's true

f key
Dec 13, 2004


sicarim posted:

I've thought about volunteering but I've never done it and i'm not sure what the commitments are or if i'm available when they need me.

f key
Dec 13, 2004


rawstorm posted:

Now you've got it! Now you need to take the next step and realize that getting a job and being successful in life has the same meaning as living the rest of your life in your parents basement, nothing! Once you realize this, like I did, then whenever you're faced with a big life decision like applying for a job you just flip a coin to decide what to do cause it doesn't matter what you do cause nothing matters. Worked out great for me.

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



kobalt posted:

Snack Atoms posted:

I will reiterate: to be female is to live in fear.

This means that you require special treatment, and when you get special treatment, it's creepy. You make your own enemies because you demand it.

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



actually all of http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...80&userid=34622

Kobalt posted:

As a guy, this is a strange and confusing thing, this individuality you speak of.

I want the rules. Action leads to a repeatable consequence. It's the scientific way.

If I go up to a vending machine, insert my change, push the button, I expect to get the thing that I ordered to come out! Every time! And if it doesn't, I want a refund. The only reason it didn't work is because the machine is malfunctioning.

I went through the motions, the outcome should be the same every single time.
Now, sometimes the chips get stick in the vending machine and taunt you, just teetering over the edge, or get pressed onto the glass. Sitting there mocking you. But, this problem has a solution! You can get violent with it, or you can try your luck and buy another, and you might get 2 of them! Presto, you have cheetos (or 2)!

Girls don't work this way. And that is a damned shame.

I suggest that we fix this problem. Problems have solutions.

(Posting in a creepy thread)

A MYSTERIOUS TEXT
Jan 29, 2009

by angerbotSD


once i fell victim to a girl's anti-tilt mechanism

i'm now blind in one eye

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


CraigK posted:

So, I'm 22 and have never even been out on a date. I was even set up by another female friend for a date to my senior prom! Seriously, is this normal? Where's a good place for a college kid to meet some single women? (Sue me, I have a massive fear of rejection, it's like I can't get up the courage else I hear "no".)

So, am I doomed to be the real-world example of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"?

f key
Dec 13, 2004


Craptacular! posted:

Okay.

I suppose I identify with this bloke because I too don't have a license and refuse to drive a car, mostly for personal reasons. I support public transit, would like to get everywhere on a bus and train when possible. Since I live in the southwest suburban sprawl with poorly funded mass transit, getting anywhere on the bus can take hours, I have to sometimes resort to my parents shuttling me around in the manner our stupid city planners decided everyone should get around.

I guess what I'm saying is, I can see myself getting dumped because it takes me 2 hours to get anywhere for my political opinions and general dislike for driving.

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Chromaplasm posted:

Well, I've never been kissed, much less laid, but I have dated a couple of times so I can give you a suggestion:

Go to a coffee shop, order a coffee, then sit down and drink the coffee while reading something interesting. Do this regularly. You may see other people there regularly. If you see them often enough, you might work up the confidence to talk to them if they don't talk to you first. You might find a date this way.

ive literally never touched a woman but heres some terrible advice

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



Raimundus posted:

Then why are you so particular in the advice you give? When I posted a good while back, I got shat on for having facial hair and a thin neck. Nobody ever even asked me about anything in my character, or offered any general advice that one could dwell on, or any of that.

That said, I didn't post because I hate being a virgin. I posted to see what people here thought. I didn't get much out of it.

Raimundus posted:

That sounds pretty reasonable. Now the only hard part is trying to get to know anyone of the opposite sex in an engineering college, but I guess I saw that one coming ages ago.

Raimundus posted:

Right, so my university is divided into four parts, North, South, East and West, wherein North and South are where classes are located, East is undergraduate dorms and West is graduate apartments. I'm on North campus, where the colleges of engineering, science and business are. South campus, which contains all of the liberal arts and other colleges, is about a mile away and East is across a cold, windy bridge, so North is more or less a sausage fest. West campus isn't even on our maps.

There are women, but there are relatively few of them and most of them seem like boring individuals (at least those I've talked to) or else they're foreign and I have trouble communicating.
UH OH

Raimundus posted:

nationalism posted:

A mile? Well, better pack it up and just masturbate for the next six decades.

A mile through a heavily trafficked city. Getting to another part of campus during the day is a hassle, never mind getting back in time for classes.

It doesn't matter. I'll figure something else out.

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


philihp posted:

Hooking up with chicks is like having a face-to-face encounter with a tiger or a bear. The most important thing to remember is they're more afraid of you than you're afraid of them.

The second most important thing is this: Look hungry, go hungry.

PS: When you make eye contact, the second you lock eyes, you have to smile. If she's interested, she will smile back; she's trying to say "oh good, we made eye contact, come over and talk to me". If she doesn't, then she's thinking "oh gently caress, he saw me looking at him, he'll probably try to talk to me now".

also if anyone finds repo man posts theyre the best

he hasnt been laid since 1989 or so and just oozes depression lol

J. Bansal
Nov 17, 2005

by Peatpot


i can relate to all these quotes

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Quality_Guaranteed posted:

Sup dudes and dudettes, I'm 25 and I've never had a girlfriend or been kissed, let alone had sex. I don't really know what happened; when I was little I was talkative and outgoing enough, but as I got into middle school and high school I became more withdrawn. I guess its because puberty hit me kinda hard; I was normal looking when I was little but during my teen years I was fat and ugly, plus had glasses. On top of that, I lived in a different neighborhood from most everyone else, so I couldn't hang out with other kids after school or really hook up with them in any way. By the time I got a driver's license (senior year) I was already in the habit of not doing jack poo poo after school except surfing the Internet.

And as for college, well, I haven't really been to college yet. For a couple of years after high school I just went to some technical school, and after that I started going to a community college. I'm going to transfer to a university this year but my point is that I've never had the whole dorm-living college experience. So ever since high school, there's been no opportunities to really mingle with other people. So the years went by and suddenly I'm a 25 year old virgin.

So how do I get out of this rut? I get that I need to get out and mingle, but how do I start a conversation if I don't really have a whole lot to talk about? It's not that I'm boring; I have genuine interests and passions (and no, they aren't videogames and anime), but they don't seem to be the kind of things you can really break the ice with. It seems weird to say "You know, tuataras aren't really lizards, they're sphenodonts" to a cute chick in a nightclub.

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


It seems weird to say "You know, tuataras aren't really lizards, they're sphenodonts" to a cute chick in a nightclub.

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



rv0065rie posted:

also if anyone finds repo man posts theyre the best

he hasnt been laid since 1989 or so and just oozes depression lol


Repo Man posted:

Growing up, I was always a skinny nerd with glasses. Through junior high and high school, I was a skinny nerd with glasses and braces. And no money, and no car.

The braces came off, I got contacts, and I began working out. I wasn't too bad looking, and there were a fair number of females that thought I was cute. But I was the same inside, and I could never believe that a woman I was attracted to could be attracted to me. This gave me an unequaled ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

The last time I asked a woman out, she stood me up. That was nine years ago, and I haven't tried again since.

KrycekCrack
Aug 27, 2003


http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...80&pagenumber=5

ANGRYGREEK posted:

Seriously, 300-350 pounds are a little much for your own health.

seriously. think of your health, man. not those fries fries soaked in batter.

skorpigeist posted:

Also I know it is a privacy thing, but why are goons so afraid of what they look like?
uhhhh see thread for insights

skorpigeist posted:

I mean you say the words, I think I am hot and then won't "prove it."

I think therfore i am proven

skorpigeist posted:

I do realize that you shouldn't have to prove yourself to people you don't know from a hole in the ground, but if you are so confident in how you look then you should be open to the criticism of others. here I'll post a picture of myself

oh christ don't

skorpigeist posted:



hwo to creep girls out yes indeed.

BALLIN LIKE STALIN
Nov 13, 2007

by angerbot


kobalt probably deserves his own thread

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Repo Man posted:

This is what I looked like twenty years ago. Six three, bicycling fanatic, etc.


I'd only lost my virginity a few months before at the age of twenty two (I'd never even french kissed a girl before), mainly because the girl came on so strong that even a pathologically shy idiot such as myself couldn't miss it. Then she dumped me. I had a few dates with other girls, but I mostly wrecked things by being so insecure. I had a girlfriend for a couple of months in early 1989 (the only good Valentines day I've ever had), then she left town, and there has been no one since. Male pattern baldness set in, and eroded what little confidence I had ever had.

Confidence is crucial for a guy. Without it you are lost.

Dantes Redux
Sep 23, 2003

by angerbeet


lmao man repo man succckkkssssss

Danny LaFever
Dec 29, 2008

Old school capitalist

rv0065rie posted:

Regicide posted:

It's my birthday.

I wanted this birthday to be one with a girlfriend... so much for that.

lol

e/n sounds so lonely.

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Danny LaFever posted:

lol

e/n sounds so lonely.

not entirely...

Strawberry Panda posted:

I lost my virginity about three weeks ago to a girl who had been pining for me for two months. At first I was nervous, because I had never been in a situation where it was so blatantly obvious that we were going to have sex. I always imagined my first time to be some horrible experience, stick it in and make an rear end out of myself by cumming immediately. But once I realized I was going to have sex with her and I put the condom on, everything worked out smoothly. I wasn't stressed or worried, I just relaxed. The whole experience was very intimate and pleasurable. We did it for about twenty minutes until we were both tired and cuddled. Then she asked to watch wrestling with me, which made the whole experience way more profound because it meant that she wasn't looking to merely have her way with me, but spend time with me.

Anyway, once you get over the virginity hurdle, sex comes more natural. No longer are you afraid of your partner's body and you're willing to do anything to emit pleasure. And buy a pack of condoms to keep in your dresser or in your shirt pocket when you go to clubs and parties. This will keep you from using the excuse, "But I don't have a condom!" That's the one I used the most.

I'm 19, by the way, so I guess that's an average age to lose it.

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3086540

Sir_TaxALot posted:

Okay here it goes. And before you start, I KNOW I haven't been exactly honest in that story.

A couple of weeks ago, a girl started contacting me on my email adress. She was basically a regular on my blog, and said we were in the same school, so kinda "knew me" even though I had no idea who she was. We met saturday, and tonight we kissed.
So we have a starting relationship.

My problem is : the girl has two cats, she loves them (she jokingly said "no guy is going to make me choose between me and my cats, they were here first !", which didn't amuse me) and you get it by the subject line, I'm allergic to cats. And not a tiny bit : last summer, I met my parent's ex, who had 5 cats. Although I stayed outside and that one time the cats stayed in, I had to be sent to the hospital.

I was not certain saturday if something was happening with that girl, but I liked her from the start, and I had the feeling that if I told her right away "I'm allergic to cats" I'd have been saying "sorry girl, that ain't gonna work.". This evening, we had a drink outside, and as we were about to part ways, we kissed.

Which now leaves me no choice, I have to tell her.

I'm not even certain what I'm asking here in E/N. I guess I just wanted to whine, and hear your thoughts about how I should do that, and the odds my relationship survives this...
three-day relationship doomed from the start

Sir_TaxALot posted:

As I said, I am NOT Breaking up with her. She will, if she wants to, and I'll respect that choice. What I just don't know is how to break the news to her, should I make it look like a solemn announcement, or try to minimize the problem so as to mean that I think this problem can be worked around ?

Hey, she was a regular on his blog. And when the OP has a blog that's pretentious, quotes Maddox, and has a problem with people who have a lot of friends, you take what you can get.

quote:

Internet Spoor
Before you begin, forgive the clumsy sentence construction and whatnot. This monitor is hurting my eyes and I want to go to bed.

More soul-searching has transpired as of late. Facebook and suchlike websites, wherein people try to present, to replicate themselves, in text - well, I suppose some do - arguably function as an amazingly open window into their minds and souls. By examining the profiles of people I actually admire and like, and contrasting them to the hordes of random associates and schoolmates and other morons I have no interest in but added to up my Friends count (I am shallow, yes) I noticed that a number of factors were always present in the profiles of those I find admirable and absent in the morons. Allow me to offer some examples:

1) Spelling
The people I liked can all spell; and not merely spell, but demonstrated the ability to use colons, semicolons, apostrophes, parentheses and suchlike appropriately. Anyone who strings together a series of lower-case 'thoughts' linked only by endless repeated ellipses is an idiot. Likewise any nominally "intelligent" person (English students, musicians, artists, all those pricks) can be detected in their deceit by their failure to go the full mile. Invariably the pseudo-intellectuals - to whom APPEARING intelligent is critical, for they do not bear their intelligence as a burden in the manner of those I admire - use pretentious and large words, () but fail to capitalise and present them correctly. The illiterate cunts. Why? I would venture to suggest that those who cherish properly presented language are those who read: seeing words and text in the mainstream published form has an effect. To me, these flaws are like a painting askew: incredibly irritating and something that cannot be ignored once noticed. People who don't read have no access to the vast knowledge of humanity that has come before. They do not continue the human intellectual, cultural and literary trajectory by picking up the thread, as it were, of the wisdom of previous generations, and even if they are intelligent they will never build or contribute. Thus they lack insight, and are therefore tedious, boring, and short of anything worthwhile to say.

2) Activities
Anyone who lists "having a good time" is a loving moron. To plagiarize from Maddox, no loving poo poo: who doesn't like to have a good time? "Hanging out with friends," "partying" and "getting shitfaced": all these serve to identify the complete and professional idiot, because they are nothing more than animals, observed monkeys masturbating unknowingly because these acts bring them temporary pleasure.
Anyone who lists the name of a magazine as their favorite book. gently caress.

3) Anyone with excessive amounts of friends has to be an idiot. The more you learn, the more specialised your tastes and interests become, and therefore the less you have in common with most people. Anyone who has 400+ friends is by definition a lowest common denominator socially.

I'm too tired to carry on. The point is that I have, shamefully, found a girl on a dating website whose profile fulfilled all my criteria and, on top of that, is rather pretty. So I've messaged her. We'll see if my insane social experiment and catalogue bears fruit.

All this and more at http://lookinforluv.blogspot.com/

Dantes Redux
Sep 23, 2003

by angerbeet


*pats shirt pocket*

pheww, got a condom stored there for later baby

Danny LaFever
Dec 29, 2008

Old school capitalist

Nothing weird about this...

Red Flag! posted:

I recently went out on a date with a girl that went very well. She was smart, pretty, funny, all the things that I like in a girl. We got along great on the date, and she expressed a large interest to see me again, and I felt the same way.

However, when I got home I did my routine google search of her name that I do whenever I go on a date. To my surprise, it auto-completed with over 200,000 results.

It turns out she's a nude model!

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


ahaha sir tax a lot is a enjoyable human being gently caress that blog

also poknok owns

Poknok posted:

V-card with 26 years. I have a horrid personality, I'm lazy and boring, completely lacking motivation to do anything really. I don't really talk to people because I see no redeeming point in that - it's always "talk to people, get embarrassed over the fact that I don't know how to lead an interesting conversation, shut up, uncomfortable silence ensues). On the top of that, I'm creepy as HELL, my clothes date back to mid 90's and I look like an unsanitary bum (though I dare to admit that I smell better than most bums). I also sport a glorious neckbeard. Can I join the club guys?

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Danny LaFever posted:

Nothing weird about this...

way to pwn yourself nublord

Spiffo
Nov 24, 2005



Danny LaFever posted:

Nothing weird about this...

you quoted red flag! great job go hog wild

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


John Stalvern posted:

Many girls, including hot blonde cheerleaders, would ask me to dances in high school. In college, the local skanks would be quite obvious about what they wanted from me.

Turned em all down. Why?

Paranoia.

I'm the result of a broken condom. My brother's girlfriend got pregnant, and despite there being some evidence it's not his, he's going through the whole "try to wrangle out child support" ordeal. A close friend of mine's genitals are withered with enough diseases to kill a rhino.

Every loving sexually active person I'm close to has had their life go to poo poo because of that aspect of their life.

I'm a red blooded, 23 year old american male. I'm filled with lust. I'm a virgin, so it's especially strong. I've grinded, made out, and gone home with blue balls many times, to make matters even worse! I beat off 2-3 times per day. If I get close to a female, I fear my lust will take over and I will have sex with her. I have seen what happens when people do that. None for me, thanks.

This is terrible for my mental health, but worse could happen if I got over it.

I'm such a coward.

Danny LaFever
Dec 29, 2008

Old school capitalist

rv0065rie posted:

way to pwn yourself nublord

SHE'S BASICALLY A WHORE!

J. Bansal
Nov 17, 2005

by Peatpot


Danny LaFever posted:

Nothing weird about this...

mayhaps that red *fag* shall get his comeuppance this fine day good sire

EmeraldFlashlight
Mar 17, 2006

by T. Fine


Danny LaFever posted:

SHE'S BASICALLY A WHORE!

there are many stupids in that thread responding to red flag, but you are the stupidest of all, forums poster danny lafever

football fuckerman
Sep 1, 2007


lmao still laughing at the op....hahaha

The Arsteia
Nov 17, 2008



Spiffo posted:

you quoted red flag! great job go hog wild

i quote red flag all the time

The Wizard of Poz
Apr 5, 2007

neg 4 poz

man red flags posts in that thread are crazy someone oughta make a callout

danny u got first dibs

Defleshed
Nov 18, 2004

F is for... FREEDOM

I'm not in on the whole Red Flag! thing, but e/n is loving depressing.

Boy Blue posted:

I want to talk to people about this, but I don't trust any of my friends to take me seriously, to care about me, and to not start despising me for wanting to lean on them. Rationally, I realize this is probably a stupid reaction, but nevertheless I can't shake the thought that I'm entirely unimportant to people. I worry that if I talk to people about how I feel, I'll be ostracized. But occasionally I can't help it and just open up to someone, and then hate myself for it.

Helldump is awesome and all, but I don't see anything wrong with helping some of these pathetic nerds unfuck their lives. I'll post advice from time to time, and I know I've seen Spiffo and nationalism in there unironically

football fuckerman
Sep 1, 2007


Defleshed posted:

I'm not in on the whole Red Flag! thing

he has lots of personal problems & trouble w/ women and self-esteem

rv0065rie
Mar 4, 2009

by Fistgrrl


Defleshed posted:

Helldump is awesome and all, but I don't see anything wrong with helping some of these pathetic nerds unfuck their lives. I'll post advice from time to time, and I know I've seen Spiffo and nationalism in there unironically

yeah but

SubjectiveC posted:

I'm not the most experienced of males, I'll give you that. In fact, I'm very inexperienced, which is why I'm asking the internet about this issue, which is one I think explains itself in the title.

It all comes down to this: I think hugging women is hot, an expression of intimacy you can get away with without much effort or fear of screwing up a relationship with a friend. A big lengthy hug feels great, but because it is great, you run into the erection issue. On to my question, let's say I'm dancing with a girl, and it's one of those slow, romantic songs. We're pretty much holding each other for 5 minutes. Should I worry about my "active potential"? Are women bothered by it or do they understand? Should they understand? Am I weird for being this way? Should I apologize if it happens? "Sorry about Skippy there, pay no attention to him. That's what he wants". Should I freak out when it's about to happen and leap away from her? "Ow, my unpredictable crotchitis!". Should I have limp-sure mental exercises that eventually remove hugs, holding, and the like from the realm of sexuality forever?

Guys and gals, what are your stories in the field?

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Smile
Dec 16, 2005


Defleshed posted:

I'm not in on the whole Red Flag! thing, but e/n is loving depressing.


Helldump is awesome and all, but I don't see anything wrong with helping some of these pathetic nerds unfuck their lives. I'll post advice from time to time, and I know I've seen Spiffo and nationalism in there unironically

except none of them ever listen to the advice, they just spout out long lists of reasons as to why they can't possibly do any of the advice, and continue doing the same thing they complain about

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