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PianoDragn
Jan 30, 2006


So my husband and I have a sex swing we got a few months ago. We use it occasionaly but only really have 2 positions we do in it. Can anyone describe new positions to try out, or point me in the direction of a karma sutra that is strictly sex swing positions? Havn't had any luck on google and our imagination isn't cutting it.

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Seriously Fat Homo
Feb 26, 2009

by Tiny Fistpump


swing as high as you can in the swing until youre at maximum and then jump off at her across the room and land your dick in her pussy

CombatMedic
Feb 26, 2004

ANUDDAH SUCCESSFOOL PRECEEDJUH!


PianoDragn posted:

So my husband and I have a sex swing we got a few months ago. We use it occasionaly but only really have 2 positions we do in it. Can anyone describe new positions to try out, or point me in the direction of a karma sutra that is strictly sex swing positions? Havn't had any luck on google and our imagination isn't cutting it.

You cant find information about sex on the internet?

CombatMedic
Feb 26, 2004

ANUDDAH SUCCESSFOOL PRECEEDJUH!


oh look the first google result

http://www.pleasuremenow.com/sex_positions_q.html

Seriously Fat Homo
Feb 26, 2009

by Tiny Fistpump


have sex in the swing while performing math problems on a TI-83 calculator

nummularia
Sep 13, 2005

^_^


Hope that swing holds at least 500 lbs

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

I get REAL nice on this stuff




it should look like this

PianoDragn
Jan 30, 2006


CombatMedic posted:

oh look the first google result

http://www.pleasuremenow.com/sex_positions_q.html

I found that when I googled before posting, didn't have much information.

LostCause
Jun 27, 2003

by Peatpot


i thought this was going to be an thread about swinging

Der Luftwaffle
Dec 29, 2008


See if you can swing over the bar.

spog
Aug 7, 2004

I seem to smell the stench of appeasement in the air.

PianoDragn posted:

So my husband and I have a sex swing we got a few months ago. We use it occasionaly but only really have 2 positions we do in it. Can anyone describe new positions to try out, or point me in the direction of a karma sutra that is strictly sex swing positions? Havn't had any luck on google and our imagination isn't cutting it.

Do they only make sex swings?

Cause I'd quite like to try a sex slide or a sex roundabout




CombatMedic posted:

You cant find information about sex on the internet?

Whoa! There's stuff about sex on the internet?

Not an Anthem
Apr 27, 2003

I'm a fucking pain machine and if you even touch my fucking car I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU.


Put the swing in your vagina
Put your husband in the swing, and push him
Put an inanimate object in the swing and see a movie

Mulletstation
May 9, 2004

mo' mullets mo' problems


try the astro-orbiter

Slo-Tek
Jun 8, 2001



RTFM.

poo poo, it probably came with a video.

Also, try missionary, with the lights out.

TheOmegaWalrus
Feb 3, 2007


Stuff blue velvet in his mouth and punch him if he ever loving looks at you.

sdr782
Jun 6, 2005

"I said it was dodgeball time, bitch."

Do a flip.

Inferior Third Season
Jan 15, 2005



Do you get mad that ferris wheels only go around in a big circle too? You bought a novelty item, and you've used the novelty item in its intended purpose. There isn't anything else there or something you are missing. It is a simple item, and you've done all there is to do.

Slumpy
Jun 10, 2008


Ask him to stuff his whole arm in there. I doubt there is much you could do in such a device besides being suspended in the air and just having sex. Why not just buy a kama sutra book or something?

lemonlime
May 1, 2008



If you live near a largish city, you could try looking for lessons in the bondage community. There are actual formal organizations and seminars in the practice of bondage technique like Seattle's http://www.bondagelessons.com or Phoenix's http://www.arizonapowerexchange.org. Try looking for something like that in your own city; even if you don't come across a bulletin explicitly titled "Sex Swing Classes held every Wednesday night!" there's a chance that if you email one of the contacts in the bondage community's website that you'll receive a response telling you where you might look next.

Honestly, the proper use and care of a sex swing sounds like it'd be really hard to learn from a few online photos. Hands-on training from someone who knows what he's doing is what you and your husband need.

Noni
Jul 8, 2003
ASK ME ABOUT DEFRAUDING GOONS WITH HOT DOGS AND HOW I BANNED EPIC HAMCAT


Have your husband put his penis in your butt while you are in the sex swing. Then listen to swing music and wear funny hats.

Also, a dog should watch you the whole time, with his head tilted to one side out of confusion, like this:



Then your husband should do a little soft shoe dancing right before he cums. At the same time, I think that you should snap your fingers and play the harmonica. Then he should cum on a Nylabone and give it to the dog. While you are still in the swing, you should then start making some spaghetti, because the marinara sauce can splatter and ruin clothing so it's often best to just make it while nude.

Here is a recipe from Rachel Ray.

quote:

Ingredients

* 1 pound spaghetti
* Salt, for pasta water

Meatballs:

* 1 1/4 pounds ground sirloin
* 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce, eyeball it
* 1 egg, beaten
* 1/2 cup Italian bread crumbs, a couple of handfuls
* 1/4 cup grated Parmesan, Parmigiano-Reggiano or Romano cheese
* 2 cloves garlic, chopped
* Salt and pepper

Sauce:

* 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 2 turns of the pan
* 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
* 4 cloves garlic, crushed or chopped
* 1 small onion, finely chopped
* 1 cup beef stock, available on soup aisle in market in small paper boxes
* 1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes
* A handful chopped flat-leaf parsley
* 10 leaves fresh basil leaves, torn or thinly sliced
* Grated cheese, such as Parmigiano-Reggiano or Romano, for passing at table
* Crusty bread or garlic bread, for passing at the table

Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Place a large pot of water on to boil for spaghetti. When it boils, add salt and pasta and cook to al dente.

Mix beef and Worcestershire, egg, bread crumbs, cheese, garlic, salt and pepper. Roll meat into 1 1/2 inch medium-sized meatballs and place on nonstick cookie sheet or a cookie sheet greased with extra-virgin olive oil. Bake balls 10 to 12 minutes, until no longer pink.

Heat a deep skillet or medium pot over moderate heat. Add oil, crushed pepper, garlic and finely chopped onion. Saute 5 to 7 minutes, until onion bits are soft. Add beef stock, crushed tomatoes, and herbs. Bring to a simmer and cook for about 10 minutes.

Toss hot, drained pasta with a few ladles of the sauce and grated cheese. Turn meatballs in remaining sauce. Place pasta on dinner plates and top with meatballs and sauce and extra grated cheese. Serve with bread or garlic bread (and some good chianti!)

Another option is to have him get a sex swing as well, and then get a sex swing for the dog and for the television. Then line up all the sex swings as a Newton's cradle. The goal is for you and your husband to keep rhythm such that the dog can watch the TV easily. The TV should be playing a food network show about making spaghetti.

A third option is to hire a stripper who looks like Rachel Ray. While your husband is ramming himself into your balloon knot, she should make the spaghetti.

Sarcastica
Mar 20, 2008

Don't run, I promise that I have feelings just like a real person! Don't run, I am your friend!


You are all a bunch of stupid and terrible assholes. Way to poo poo all over someone asking a simple question.
Edit: Also, for the OP what positions have you tried so far? That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

caveman thug shit
Jan 27, 2007

STREET SMART


sn00ke posted:

See if you can swing over the bar.

OP DON'T DO THIS you will turn inside out

Sarcastica posted:

That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

Try maybe putting some sticks up your rear end, OP.

That Dog From TV
Sep 6, 2007

by Fistgrrl


Sarcastica posted:

You are all a bunch of stupid and terrible assholes. Way to poo poo all over someone asking a simple question.
Edit: Also, for the OP what positions have you tried so far? That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

get a giant dildo with one of those suction cups at the bottom and stick it on the floor so it can ream your rear end while your husband is plunging your ham wallet

Lobok
Jul 13, 2006

Nightmare fuel


Man, even that website isn't quite sure:

quote:

With the man laying down and the woman suspended in the swing over him, spin the woman in the swing 360?

Suave Fedora
Jun 10, 2004


Sarcastica posted:

20 sticks up their rear end.

This is actually a great idea and I endorse it fully.

edit: on a swing

Suave Fedora fucked around with this message at Sep 1, 2009 around 13:42

Korak
Nov 29, 2007
TV FACIST

I bet you haven't even tried having your husband in the swing.

You know it's pretty creepy humans have went from swinging on the playground to swinging in the bedroom. Next major sex toy will either be a slide or jungle gym, mark my words.

RoadKnight
Jun 17, 2005


1.Get in swing.

2.Grab one of these 20 sticks out of someone's rear end.

3.PINATA PARTY

4.Delicious candy.

TONY DANZAS HO
Aug 27, 2003

Making you do a carepostin 2.1 isn't as uncool as making to an analysis in the middle of a flamewar that boosting my ego.


Put the swing in front of the television, rent a movie from Blockbuster, order a pizza and buy some beer, sit in the swing and go beer for beer with your husband and eat pizza. You'll pass out in a drunken pizza coma, and when you wake up to the glow of the dvd menu as it repeats itself, go into the other room. You'll find your husband passed out with his dick in his hand, as he had tried to rouse you but you were too tanked so he decided to jerk off and then fell asleep.

This is what I imagine my marriage will be like so it is the best advice I can give.

The Third Man
Nov 5, 2005

I know how much you like ponies so I got you a ponies avatar bro


Sarcastica posted:

You are all a bunch of stupid and terrible assholes. Way to poo poo all over someone asking a simple question.
Edit: Also, for the OP what positions have you tried so far? That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

hahahaha

nummularia
Sep 13, 2005

^_^


The sex swing thread is no place for levity goon sires

YummyTarts
Sep 2, 2007
Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries!

Inferior Third Season posted:

Do you get mad that ferris wheels only go around in a big circle too? You bought a novelty item, and you've used the novelty item in its intended purpose. There isn't anything else there or something you are missing. It is a simple item, and you've done all there is to do.

I don't think this got the attention it deserved as the right answer. It's a sex swing, if it was made for super awesome new moves in the bedroom, more people would have them instead of laughing at them (not that most of the people on here have a need for one, aside from their self-stimulation).

Get a book on Kama Sutra anyway. And get flexible.

PianoDragn
Jan 30, 2006


Inferior Third Season posted:

Do you get mad that ferris wheels only go around in a big circle too? You bought a novelty item, and you've used the novelty item in its intended purpose. There isn't anything else there or something you are missing. It is a simple item, and you've done all there is to do.

quote:

I don't think this got the attention it deserved as the right answer. It's a sex swing, if it was made for super awesome new moves in the bedroom, more people would have them instead of laughing at them (not that most of the people on here have a need for one, aside from their self-stimulation).

Get a book on Kama Sutra anyway. And get flexible.

Points taken, I guess there is nothing more to it then we have already done.

SuperSlacker
Mar 11, 2007



Get another one and swing at each other.

Noni
Jul 8, 2003
ASK ME ABOUT DEFRAUDING GOONS WITH HOT DOGS AND HOW I BANNED EPIC HAMCAT


Sarcastica posted:

You are all a bunch of stupid and terrible assholes. Way to poo poo all over someone asking a simple question.
Edit: Also, for the OP what positions have you tried so far? That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

This is a pretty terrible sex swing position, if you ask me.

Personally, I like the sex swing position where she removes her husband's penis and puts it on his forehead. Then he has butt sex with her. It's called "The Dirty Unicorn". It works best when everyone takes LSD and there's a large container of all the colors of Jolly Ranchers. Mid-coitus, when the sex swing is reaching full velocity, a handful of Jolly Ranchers in the mouth is absolutely delicious when you're being hosed by a Unicorn.

Urcher
Jun 16, 2006



I wasn't quite sure what a sex swing was so I had to look it up. I found this video that explains all the best positions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAVNCWF55sg

Hearts on Fire
Sep 29, 2008

Cheers!


Sarcastica posted:

You are all a bunch of stupid and terrible assholes. Way to poo poo all over someone asking a simple question.
Edit: Also, for the OP what positions have you tried so far? That might help the one person who decides to respond without 20 sticks up their rear end.

They're goons; of course hearing about sex is going to make them confused and angry

Mr. Grinch
Jul 2, 2007

They say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day.

Hearts on Fire posted:

They're goons; of course hearing about sex is going to make them confused and angry

I always try to masturbate while wearing gardening gloves and a welding mask.

TheStampede
Feb 19, 2008

"I'm like a hunter of peace. One who chases the elusive mayfly of love... or something like that."


Noni posted:

..a handful of Jolly Ranchers in the mouth is absolutely delicious when you're being hosed by a Unicorn.

Jesus loving Christ. I don't think I will ever see a more amazing sentence in my life.

OP. Have you considered inviting a group of male hookers over and placing your wife in the center in the swing. Next, the group starts "tossing" the swing around from cock to cock. This assumes you are swingers, of course. Conversely, the same could be done with female hookers and yourself taking your wife's place. Food for thought.

TheStampede fucked around with this message at Sep 2, 2009 around 00:09

poolside toaster
Jul 12, 2008


As long as you have the swing, put him in it and introduce him to pegging!

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Hustlin Floh
Jul 20, 2009



TheStampede posted:

Jesus loving Christ. I don't think I will ever see a more amazing sentence in my life.

OP. Have you considered inviting a group of male hookers over and placing your wife in the center in the swing. Next, the group starts "tossing" the swing around from cock to cock. This assumes you are swingers, of course. Conversely, the same could be done with female hookers and yourself taking your wife's place. Food for thought.

You really didn't reach the third word of the OP?

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