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Hey guys, I need some advise. My brother is getting married this weekend and he asked me to be his best man. The only hitch is, I don't know my brother that well. We talk maybe once a year and usually only for Christmas. We share no common interests and have very different values. However, I want to do a good job for my brother, but I'm really struggling coming up with one thing. The drat toast at the dinner. So the question is, what would make a good toast given my circumstances? Thanks 
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:20 |
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| # ? Nov 22, 2009 02:00 |
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Hey brother, thanks for beating me up and stealing my ninja turtles van, so basically eat a dick. Cheers!
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 08:49 |
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Just bullshit. You don't need to make it specific. Here are a couple I found on the internet. http://www.gunthergifts.com/best-man-speech.html Just edit them for your needs. Remember, it doesn't have to be long and in fact, brevity is better.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:19 |
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This was my speech. Tom is another groomsman who was sitting next to me. First of all: Congratulations to the happy couple. I want to spend some time regaling you all with stories that I remember clear as day about them. I remember when Anthony and I went on safari in Africa. We were down in a valley exploring like the young pups we were when all of a sudden his dastardly uncle and his henchmen started a stampede of wildebeests! We ran as fast as we could, but surely would have perished if not for his father carrying us to safety. Sadly, his father died shortly after saving us. We were dejected and started off on a journe---- Tom interrupting: “Stop. That was Lion King.” Me: You sure? I have a pretty clear recollection of these events. Tom: Of course I’m sure. Hakuna Matata ring a bell? Me: *think for a second* Nope. Tom: His father is alive. He’s right there *pointing* Me: *Sheepish wave to his dad, then confront Tom* Can you stop interrupting me and let me finish? Tom sits back down. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted: I remember when Cija and I were on a boat. She was drawing me naked and even though I already had a husband I could feel myself falling in love with her. We hit it off marvelously before we hit an iceburg, sank, she drowned, and then I died of old age. Tom stands up, whispers in my ear. I’m sorry everyone, I have just been informed that that was the movie ‘Titanic’. Back on track though: I remember when I was sent back in time to stop (Groom'sMOM) from being killed by a Terminator. The T-800 was sent to kill her before she could give birth to Anthony. In the future Anthony will lead mans resistance against Skynet and its horde of robotic killing machines. We fell in love through the 2 hours I spent saving her life, got married, then I became Anthonys father. Tom stands, whispers in my ear, sits back down. The lights turn on in my head. That was my mistake… That was Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator. ***I will look thoroughly dejected that all of my childhood memories are just movies.**** Switching gears for a moment, I’d like to talk about how these two crazy cats met. Anthony was a pretty big nerd in school. One day he went on a class trip to a genetics lab where he was bitten by a radioactive spider. He woke up with super powers and used those super powers for the good of mankind. Cija at this point was an aspiring actress who was down on her luck. She was working at a small diner after being rejected by a few studios. Whenever Cija was in trouble, Anthony always seemed to show up at the right time. He’d swing in on his webs, rescue her, kiss her upside down, then web away. That was pretty much it. The rest of the movie sucked. *I sit back down*
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 13:29 |
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Spermy Smurf posted:What? So how pissed was everyone?
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 13:50 |
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Yeah I dunno. That sounds like a bad SNL skit. But I could see it being pulled off if you got some acting skills, or I could see a lot of uncomfortable silence as everyone looks confusedly at each other while your little goony cousin is trying to contain his laughter in the corner.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 13:56 |
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^^^ I'm voting "uncomfortable silence as everyone looks at each other wondering when the speech will end"Spermy Smurf posted:Awkward. Also way too loving long.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 13:59 |
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dMastri posted:Yeah I dunno. That sounds like a bad SNL skit. But I could see it being pulled off if you got some acting skills, or I could see a lot of uncomfortable silence as everyone looks confusedly at each other while your little goony cousin is trying to contain his laughter in the corner. Actually I can imagine you getting hushed and told to sit back down after about a minute in.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 13:59 |
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I just flew in from Chicago, boy are my arms tired! I'm really very sorry, please have a wonderful wedding.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:00 |
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Maybe like 100 words. Max. Don't try too hard to be funny unless you're sure you're funny.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:01 |
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People will rather have a heartfelt speech than a laugh riot Leonad Malton would give 3 and half stars.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:03 |
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"Congratulations to my brother for getting married this weekend. He asked me to be his best man. I don't know my brother that well, but I hope his wife is nice. We talk maybe once a year and usually only for Christmas. We share no common interests and have very different values. A toast for the newly wedded couple." (raise glass)
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:20 |
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milkingmycow posted:"Congratulations to my brother for getting married this weekend. He asked me to be his best man. I don't know my brother that well, but I hope his wife is nice. We talk maybe once a year and usually only for Christmas. We share no common interests and have very different values. A toast for the newly wedded couple." (raise glass) Hell, I'd drink to that. 
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:45 |
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decahedron posted:Maybe like 100 words. Max. Don't try too hard to be funny unless you're sure you're funny. Stressing this. For my wedding I had my best friend be my best man, and while he's a swell guy, he's also an awkward gently caress. He tried to give a funny/dramatic toast all in one and botched it 100%. Goddammit, Eric, you were the only one to give a toast! You could have at least worked on it for more than 10 minutes!
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:46 |
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I've had to do two toasts for my not so close brother and the easiest thing to do was make it about them. Tell them how you wish them the best, how you hope they live happily ever after etc. If you focus on how great they are, they'll be happy and you'll look good.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:59 |
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"To the worst mistake of your lives, cheers!"
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:00 |
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Dragonsven posted:"To the worst mistake of your lives, cheers!" Hahaha poor Sven. Check it, OP: Keep it short, recollect a happy memory from your childhood (there has to be at least one), give your congratulations, get drunk!
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:20 |
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What defleshed said. Really I hate hate hate toasts that try to be a 5 minute open mic night at the Improv. Be sincere and be brief.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:56 |
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Spermy Smurf posted:OP, you should do exactly this, except maybe make it longer? And also you should reference less-popular movies, so that you gain some indie cred. Also, in a Schwarzenegger voice, you should say "your bachelor life... is TERMINATED." Then you should make "explosion sounds" with your mouth and gesture wildly with your hands to represent debris flying. seriouspost: Throw a few jokes in so that the speech isn't 100% Hallmark. But for gently caress's sake, don't be like Spermy Smurf - make jokes about the couple, not movie references (or, god forbid, internet references).
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:15 |
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Nether Postlude posted:Here are a couple I found on the internet. Best Man Speech #4 posted:To my friends - old and new. It's an honor for me to be here... to celebrate this very special day for John and Katherine. Dale Carnegie once said: "Don't ask a man what is important to him. Watch how he spends his time." I've watched John spend his time, and I can see what's important to him. It's Katherine. She has made John a happy man... a man with a new focus... a man with a new appreciation for love and life. I've known John and Katherine for 8 years and I can honestly say that they are perfect for one another. They were both fantastic people when they met. Now as a team, they will embark on a new adventure together as man and wife. John and Katherine [raise glass) I toast you, and wish you both peace, health and happiness. for the most sincere wedding toast, or commercial insurance seminar, don't forget to quote dale carnegie
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:22 |
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I take it you're not big on coming up with speeches on the fly, because if you were, I'd say wing it. I wrote out my vows for my wedding, then the computer crashed and I lost them. I couldn't really remember them very well, so I decided to start fresh. Well, I kept putting it off or I'd have writer's block. Come the night before my wedding, and I still didn't have them done. I gave up eventually and watched Metal Mania with my brothers until four in the morning. I just winged it when the time came. It went quite well. edit: By the way, keep it short. No one wants to hear an hour-long speech.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 18:01 |
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Option 1: Call your brother. "Hey, I really appreciate that you asked me to be your best man. But I wanted to make sure that there isn't someone closer to you that you think would be a better fit. I'd be happy to do it, but I want you to know that I won't be insulted if you have a close friend you'd rather take this on, just because I'm your brother." Option 2: Give a nice generic toast that works for anyone: "I'm really proud to have [GROOM] as a brother. And seeing him with [BRIDE] today, seeing them make this lifelong commitment to each other and seeing the love that they so obviously share for each other has made me so happy. "Will everyone raise your glass? "To [GROOM] and [BRIDE]. May your lives be full of love and adventure, and may all your days be as joyous as today."
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 18:32 |
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KillerBean posted:for the most sincere wedding toast, or commercial insurance seminar, don't forget to quote dale carnegie To be fair, that marriage is gonna fail horribly. I can't see a relationship between John and Kate working out too well.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 18:39 |
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CheeseIsDelicious posted:Call your brother. "Hey, I really appreciate that you asked me to be your best man. But I wanted to make sure that there isn't someone closer to you that you think would be a better fit. I'd be happy to do it, but I want you to know that I won't be insulted if you have a close friend you'd rather take this on, just because I'm your brother." Why are you his best man if you don't know him at all? Surely he's got some friends better suited that actually know stuff about him and his bride-to-be. Being an only child, there might be a sibling dynamic at work here beyond my limited understanding.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 18:51 |
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Quote zero wing then calmly reach into your jacket pocket and slowly unfold a picture of goatse.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 18:55 |
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I was in the same boat. I'm not super close to my brother but he eventually asked me to be his best man after two closer people had to cancel at the last minute. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I stuck to congratulating them on there marriage, talking about how happy the look together, wishing them well in the future.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 21:54 |
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Corn Thongs posted:Hey brother, thanks for beating me up and stealing my ninja turtles van, so basically eat a dick. Cheers! Sincere. Brief.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:43 |
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My boyfriend had to do a best man speech for his not-so-close brother this past July, and his speech got a standing ovation. He made a list of three or four jokes at his brother's expense that complimented the bride. A few choice ones read: - Michelle is a fan of fine dining, and eating gourmet foods - Mike is the only man in Boston to completely clean out a Sausage Guy cart at 2 am - Michelle is a teacher, helping to shape the minds of the young into the leaders of tomorrow - Mike will attempt to shape the minds of his children into the NHL allstars of tomorrow - Michelle has, without a question, an impeccable taste in style, and fashion - Mike appears to be wearing a tuxedo right now, but if you look closely, you can see that it's actually a windbreaker Do something funny and lighthearted, and if you need inspiration ask your parents what he's been up to recently. Don't be afraid to admit it's for the speech, they'll be happy to help.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:27 |
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Say that you hope you someday find a woman like {insert bro's wife's name here} to marry, it always slays them.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:31 |
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I'm not sure what the hate is all about for Spermy Smurf's toast, I'd certainly enjoy it if my brother were to do that. Same for Corn Thongs post. Then again, I come from a family with a strange sense of humor. Last I heard my brother plans to have a Slip n' Slide wedding.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:31 |
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Spermy's is terrible because it is blatant attention whoring and not very funny, either. Anything that steals focus from the people getting married is a mistake.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:32 |
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Offer a reminder to the gathering that marriage is not about gooshy feelings, it is about two people choosing to live as though they were one and acting towards one another as though the other were himself, even when they feel like they don't want to. Lust, infatuation, frustration, and hurt feelings are all transient emotional states, whereas love is not: it is a choice. Express the hope that they will always find the fortitude to weather the angry times and the desert times, and that they do not let periods of joy blind them to future challenges. Finish with a mildly goatish statement of your desire that they will enjoy great fertility (a politely worded sentence + waggling of the eyebrows should achieve the desired effect). (You might also consider asking your brother to have someone with whom he is very good friends do the toast instead, as several other posters suggested. Given your description of the relationship you guys have, I don't think that's an unreasonable request at all, and your brother might even see it as you caring about his wedding being a good experience for him and his future wife. Of course, he might also be a type A control freak who sees all questions as direct personal challenges; only you can make that call.)
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 00:57 |
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lemonlime posted:
I like the way you think
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 02:38 |
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Could be worse...I'm toasting my bud who introduced me to my ex-wife that also happens to be his cousin. Cousin/ex-wife + family (ex in-laws) likely in full attendance. Oh, and I slept with the maid-of-honor and possibly another of the bride's maids. Gonna keep it short and sweet - and try not to be drunk.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 03:20 |
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Just stand up and cry for twenty minutes
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 05:05 |
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B-Nasty posted:Could be worse...I'm toasting my bud who introduced me to my ex-wife that also happens to be his cousin. Cousin/ex-wife + family (ex in-laws) likely in full attendance. Oh, and I slept with the maid-of-honor and possibly another of the bride's maids. Woah you've had sex????? Sounds frightening.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 06:18 |
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Fnoigy posted:I'm not sure what the hate is all about for Spermy Smurf's toast, I'd certainly enjoy it if my brother were to do that. Same for Corn Thongs post. Then again, I come from a family with a strange sense of humor. Last I heard my brother plans to have a Slip n' Slide wedding. Goons don't like it because you need a certain amount of charisma to pull it off and most goons don't have that. Me included.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 13:13 |
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So my brother's getting married, have you seen this, have you heard about this? They asked his wife if she is expecting a good time on the honey moon, to which she replied, "Only if my husband's not there!" que the black guy on guitar laughing.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 13:33 |
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Namarrgon posted:Goons don't like it because you need a certain amount of charisma to pull it off and most goons don't have that. I don't care if you are Ted Danson, those lines are horrible. They basically take a very unpopular cliche sitcom joke (character reminisces about dramatic event from popular Hollywood movie as happening to them), then repeats it 4 times, completely ignoring the wedding setting and oblivious to anyone around him except his impish "comedy" assistant. Stick with safer material, like does the wife have any Jews or blacks in her extended family? Comedy gold.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 13:48 |
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Namarrgon posted:Goons don't like it because you need a certain amount of charisma to pull it off and most goons don't have that. No really it's stupid and people will just think you're either retarded or you're doing it to spite the couple. Most definitely will not get you anywhere with the bridesmaids.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:13 |
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