|
Yes, I am completely clueless about relationships. I have been with my boyfriend now for about two months, and I have loved him for about the past month, but I have kept my mouth shut because I don't want to freak him out. The problem is, I feel like I should say something soon because otherwise it might just slip out, which I don't think would be good. I am terrified for numerous reasons. One is rejection, of course. The other reasons are because it's been two years since I have been in a relationship, and my ex-fiancee beat me for two years, so I was real wary when I started dating to begin with, and had previously sworn off relationships altogether anyway. However, I felt the time was right this past summer to start dating again as I had my poo poo together. The second reason is that when I was sixteen my dad abandoned my Mom. He left in the middle of the night and she never heard from him again (neither did I). So the idea of love kinda freaks me out a bit. Any advice?
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:30 |
|
|
|
| # ? Nov 22, 2009 10:54 |
|
|
Ask your therapist. No, really. I'm not being an rear end in a top hat. You should be talking to a therapist about this.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:34 |
|
Ozma
|
Seconding the therapist thing. For real. And I'm both being an rear end in a top hat and being entirely serious. Learn to be a person, instead of the future psychotic ex-girlfriend that you'll otherwise end up being.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:38 |
|
|
Tell him immediately after sex. Or while you're both really, really drunk. Or high. Or at the beginning of a really long car ride. Or while around a bunch of his friends. Or midway through a trip where you will be together and away from home for days. You know, all good options.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:41 |
|
|
art is a lost art posted:Seconding the therapist thing. For real. And I'm both being an rear end in a top hat and being entirely serious. Learn to be a person, instead of the future psychotic ex-girlfriend that you'll otherwise end up being. I think you are being harsh and jumping to conclusions. The only reason I started dating again is because I have my life in order, I am happy and satisfied with my life, and I am not the person I used to be. This is why I waited two years before dating again, so that I could work on myself. I go to college full-time so I can be a social worker, I work full-time caring for the elderly. I happen to have some confusion surrounding relationships. Yeah, this makes me crazy.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:42 |
|
|
Scenty posted:The only reason I started dating again is because I have my life in order, I am happy and satisfied with my life, and I am not the person I used to be. You're contradicting yourself. quote:I happen to have some confusion surrounding relationships. Yeah, this makes me crazy. Scenty posted:So the idea of love kinda freaks me out a bit. Look, a lot of us are hosed up when it comes to that stuff. There's no shame in admitting that. But if you're sitting around trying to figure out how to tell a person that you care about that you DO care about them, something's not going the right way. If you think that we'll have some magic words that will make it not awkward and strange for you, you're out of luck. I've been there, too. I've got lots of fun skeletons in my closet and it's completely unfair to bring that into a relationship. Even if it's years and years after the fact and you think you're "better," it's worth it to talk with someone if you still have some hangups.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 07:53 |
|
|
It's OK when the feeling is mutual, not OK when the feeling is not mutual - it just doesn't magically become OK with time. Discerning between the two situations is an exercise for the reader.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 08:02 |
|
|
Therapy's not such a big deal anyway.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 08:41 |
|
|
1. You were in an abusive relationship for 2 years. 2. You were abandoned by your father during your formulative years. 3. You can't tell another person you love them in plain English. 4. You seem to get ultra-defensive when the very valid suggestion that you seek therapy is mentioned, by people that have nothing to go on but by the first three facts you volunteered to an internet forum. You're not ready to be in a relationship, especially if you were INLUV in only a month. Seek therapy and work out your issues first. Or you know, deflect.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 08:58 |
|
|
You know how John Hinckley just wanted to tell Jodi Foster he loved her...
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 09:03 |
|
|
I think it's a bit heavy handed to immediately advise therapy. The issue at hand isn't so horrible in and of itself. I mean, seriously, what if you ever find out that your girlfriend/boyfriend went into therapy because they didn't know how/when to say "I love you"? As for what to do. Well, really, what is it that you want? In the situation where he does not reciprocate your feelings now, do you want your relationship to continue on the chance that in time he'll reciprocate them? With the added risk that you'll become more emotionally invested and a break up would be more painful (on the other hand, you can also fall out of love and it become a non-issue)? In the situation where he does reciprocate your feelings, well, then there's not really an issue, and you can just say it. So basically, worst case scenario is that you ruin the chance that he'll fall in love with you over time, if you speak up now. As for how to say it. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Just tell him being with him makes you really happy.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 09:06 |
|
|
It's been two months. Maybe you should slow down your relationship to the point where you're sure it's a good idea to say 'I love you' before you actually do it.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 11:53 |
|
|
Don't do it OP you will come off as way to clingy or psychotic. Wait like another 6 months.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 11:58 |
|
|
Let him gently caress you in the rear end. Trust me, once you do this....he will know.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:05 |
|
|
Scenty posted:Yes, I am completely clueless about relationships. I have been with my boyfriend now for about two months, and I have loved him for about the past month, but I have kept my mouth shut because I don't want to freak him out. Way to rush things. If you're afraid it will freak him out, you're telling him too soon.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:13 |
|
|
Just tell him, if telling someone you love them makes them run away. Then they're not the right one for you. All these people saying you only should start loving someone after 6 months can suck a barrel of dicks. If you're uncertain go with what Suleika said and tell him that being with him makes you really happy. That's a pretty safe way to go and measure it from there.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:16 |
|
|
If you feel that way just say it. You'll probably look crazier trying to hold it in. (or you might just look like you always have to take a poo poo)
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:21 |
|
|
I'd be a little freaked out if a girl told me they were in love with me after two months, but that may just be me. I'd probably just think she was infatuated and wasn't mature enough to process the difference.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:30 |
|
|
Does he love you? Serious question.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 12:38 |
|
|
I dunno I just think it's easier to wait till a perfect moment when you two are at least feeling it. Don't put so much of an emphasis on saying it. If you get all worked up about it you'll blurt it out. I mean really one day if it's meant to be you'll just look into each others eyes and feel it. Get it out of your mind and just go with the flow. Wait till you know if they care for you.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:12 |
|
|
You know, I'm not afraid to tell you I love you. Aaaaaaand it was sweeeeeeeet! :3
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:19 |
|
|
Scenty posted:I go to college full-time so I can be a social worker, I work full-time caring for the elderly. I happen to have some confusion surrounding relationships. Yeah, this makes me crazy. No offense, because maybe you're too deep into your crazy to see it, but most people in social work/managed care settings are deeply hosed up codependents seeking a way to eek out their emotional needs passively in a 'safe' environment where they feel more in control of contact/in authority as a 'helper'. If you can see this in your coworkers on the LCSW level but don't weed yourself out into a better position (ie go back to school) as a social worker you'll be trapped in a toxic emotional environment filled with other codependents seeking validation in misplaced places which will reinforce the crazy that has you 'loving' some poor dude after a month of dating. Seriously talk to your shrink about why you're codependent and how to not confuse passionate fear of abandonment for love.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:37 |
|
|
Just have a back up plan. Start out, "I love..." Watch her face. Does she look like she's about to vomit? "...boobs." Always be prepared.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:49 |
|
|
Just come out and say it. One of two things will happen, and they are things that would eventually have happened anyway had you not said it. This will just save you time in finding out in which of the two directions the relationship is going.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 14:57 |
|
|
extraneousXTs posted:Seriously talk to your shrink about why you're codependent and how to not confuse passionate fear of abandonment for love. Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? Do you expect all people to only grow through therapy, as opposed to learning things through experience? And are only fully mature people allowed to have relationships? Your world view appears to be rather black and white. Maybe you should talk with your shrink about learning to see shades of grey.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:18 |
|
|
Suleika posted:Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? Have you been keeping up with the Scenty stuff?
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:21 |
|
|
There is no good reason to tell someone that you've been dating for two months that you've loved them for half of your relationship. Seriously, what do you gain by tossing that word around when the relationship is still incredibly green? Most mature people would be uncomfortable with the idea of a new partner using that word to describe something so new. If you're still together at the four or five month mark it might be more appropriate. Now, I'm not telling you when you should feel love for someone, or saying that there's a magical line where it's okay to say it versus not okay to say it, but I do think it's safe to say that most people would be weired out by a girlfriend/boyfriend using the word love at the 2 month mark. It makes it look like you don't have any concept of the word and are using it as a standin for infatuation, or like you're so desperate to be loved that you are using it as a manipulative tool to get what some broken part of you urgently needs. Anyway, for a normal, mentally healthy person in a normal, mentally healthy relationship, you don't need to worry about when or how you say it because the relationship will be on that is ready for something like that. I mean, you might get butterflies in your stomach as you get ready to blurt it out, but it's not like you need some grand instruction manual on how to present the information. Sally Slug fucked around with this message at Nov 03, 2009 around 15:31 |
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:28 |
|
|
How long did you know this guy before starting to date him?
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:34 |
|
|
Suleika posted:Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? Take it that you've been told to get pro help for whatever gets your panties so eager to twist, eh? Also: I LOVE YOU posted:Have you been keeping up with the Scenty stuff? HelloIAmYourHeart posted:How long did you know this guy before starting to date him? Guessing he's some dude she met off of OkCupid in the past few months given her posting history. If so she's giving some validity to the stereotype about crazy, clingy, internet sourced girlfriends.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:37 |
|
|
I LOVE YOU and HelloIAmYourHeart are good people to have posting in this thread.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:47 |
|
|
I told I LOVE YOU that I loved him and I totally meant it. those were the cutie days...
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:48 |
|
|
Sorry to be a downer even with such a thread-appropriate name. I feel super down about Scenty given her posting history. Maybe I should be more optimistic, because that's how a LIL CUTIE would do it!
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 15:53 |
|
|
Scenty posted:Yeah, this makes me crazy. You're going to school to be a social worker. This means that you might someday work in a therapeutic role, if not outright become a therapist. So, I'm going to let you in on a secret. It's a secret that only people in the counseling profession know, only psychologists and mental health counselors and social workers, but you said you're going to be a social worker, so I'll let you in on it. You don't have to be crazy to see a therapist, and seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're crazy.  Just let me know if you want me to elaborate hth
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:22 |
|
|
I'm fairly certain that given the dating history you've let us in on in the OKCupid thread and your confusion about dealing with guys, much less getting close to them, I will say that it is wayyyyyy too loving early to be talking love. There is no set time, but there is a general consensus that barring some amazing poo poo 2 months is way too loving early, and if you're unfamiliar with dating as a whole then you should really take things even slower, so as to make sure you don't do something stupid and rush where you shouldn't be rushing. Even if you don't bring this up to a therapist, go have a beer with a good friend you trust and who has a lot of experience in one relationship or with many, and ask them about these types of things. Stop asking the internet for advice already though this is pretty serious poo poo and should probably be treated as such (i.e. not talked about with strangers on the internet).
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:26 |
|
|
two months? really?
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:33 |
|
|
Sally Slug posted:I LOVE YOU and HelloIAmYourHeart are good people to have posting in this thread. My username is actually a song about a guy's heart leaving him and going on vacation to heal up because he has abused it so much. http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742248996749607
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 16:36 |
|
|
I don't think there is a set time on when it's okay to love somebody, so anybody telling me it's too early to feel that can gently caress off. I went out with and dated a number of guys, and I had varying emotions. I am not completely stupid about what I am feeling. I am pretty sure he has reciprocal feelings, and has held back because he doesn't want to scare ME. It's just that I am not a very open person, and have a hard time expressing myself. E/N is full of dicks anymore that act like every issue is catastrophic.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 17:45 |
|
|
Scenty posted:It's just that I am not a very open person, and have a hard time expressing myself. E/N is full of dicks anymore that act like every issue is catastrophic. i actually empathize with this, as i have a hard time conveying genuine emotion. if you are dead set on telling him just make sure the moment is appropriate. are you expecting him to say it back?
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 17:48 |
|
|
Suleika posted:I think it's a bit heavy handed to immediately advise therapy. The issue at hand isn't so horrible in and of itself. I mean, seriously, what if you ever find out that your girlfriend/boyfriend went into therapy because they didn't know how/when to say "I love you"? I've met and seen a lot of people that have had traumatic or semi-traumatic events in their early life that end up affecting their entire lives in small or large ways, especially in the area of relationships and sex. The list that joyfulgirl129 posted is a fairly common theme in a lot of people that manifest themselves later in life as some sort of issue that usually requires therapy to resolve. There is no shame in therapy. Actually, if someone who is appears normal admits to being in therapy, I see that as a huge plus, since it means that they are strong enough to admit they aren't perfect and are working towards fixing something. I actually think we all could use at least a little therapy, even if it's just a few visits a year. We all have issues from our past that we never worked through that are subconsciously affecting our present-day lives, and anything that can make you a better person and lead a happier life is a good thing. I've got small issues from my past/childhood that I think could be affecting my life right now on a subconscious level and am considering just talking to someone about it. It could be something or it could be nothing and I'll never know until I find out. And I'm a pretty drat happy and normal person. I say, if your insurance covers it in any real manner or you can find a good one that's not ridiculously expensive, at the very least look into it.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 17:52 |
|
|
Scenty posted:It's just that I am not a very open person, and have a hard time expressing myself. E/N is full of dicks anymore that act like every issue is catastrophic. Don't get mad at us because you're acting like a gently caress up. If it's a mutual feeling than just let it play out. It's not really anything that needs planned out, it's just something that happens and you digest it and then move on with you're totally awesome merry little life. You come on a post a stupid problem, we try to tell you that if it's more than just butterflies and an actual inability to say these words than it's something wrong with your brain. We're not the problem, you can't handle people not pating you on the back. You wanted people saying "awwww!! That's so cute!! You should tell him when you make him a lavender bubble bath!" but what you posted makes me extremly worried that you're either setting yourself up for a heart break or mentally deranged. Stop posting in E/N if you're not going to listen to the serious advice and tell us to gently caress off.
|
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 17:53 |
|
Rate Thread:
