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change my name
Aug 27, 2007

Legends die but anime is forever.

RIP The Lost Otakus.


It's like they read LF...

http://www.theonion.com/content/opi..._waste_on_nasas

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RedQueen
Apr 21, 2007

It takes all the running you can do just to stay in the same place.


http://www.theonion.com/content/vid...ised_from_grave

SirNooblet
Feb 9, 2006

by Ozma


the onion fell off for a little bit in the mid 2000's but now it seems like its really funny again

Holland Oats
Oct 20, 2003

Only the dead have seen the end of war

The Onion posted:

Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper

Grin and bear it! Barry, an 850 lb. black bear, got a little frisky
with zookeeper Ron Gilks. The anal surprise sex is believed to be the first
inter-special coupling in Metro Zoo history.

Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except
replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally
violate"!

Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had
"claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black
bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!

"It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess
she sure got an eyeful!

The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks
entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat,
goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw
marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened
next--Barry began to brutally surprise sex zookeeper Gilks!

Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert
the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing
down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was
mistaking him for his "honey"!

Gilks was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. A full quart
of bear semen was extracted from his ruptured chest cavity. And that's
no small Boo-Boo!

Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as
red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine
and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in!
Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you
took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine
semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks,
whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer
gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later
destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

"I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate
Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a
human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at
least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives
new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"

Lev Pontryagin
Nov 1, 2009


change my name posted:

It's like they read LF...

http://www.theonion.com/content/opi..._waste_on_nasas
http://www.theonion.com/content/vid...ised_from_grave

tonelok
Sep 28, 2001

Hanukkah came early this year.


I like Zombbie Jindal.

Grum
May 7, 2007

by mons al-madeen


this is a thread following fake news

Grum
May 7, 2007

by mons al-madeen


not particularly funny fake news either

Prettz
Sep 2, 2002



Grum posted:

not particularly funny fake news either
can we get a ban for this chucklefuck?

Hyosho
May 9, 2006


Prettz posted:

can we get a ban for this chucklefuck?

Careful, he's a G.O.K.U. and a Redguard - he might go Super Maoyan on us

perianwyr
Sep 20, 2004

space moo

i remember when i subscribed to the onion print edition like 12 years ago so i could read it like a real newspaper and leave it in places and was disappointed to realize that they reprint poo poo constantly

tikus
Feb 19, 2003

dopamine receptors.

A personal fave:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpwVN7mJfMA

tonelok
Sep 28, 2001

Hanukkah came early this year.

perianwyr posted:

i remember when i subscribed to the onion print edition like 12 years ago so i could read it like a real newspaper and leave it in places and was disappointed to realize that they reprint poo poo constantly
People paid for it? I can get the print edition free very week at like the grocery store, fast food places, etc.

mr crow
Mar 4, 2009


Prettz posted:

can we get a ban for this chucklefuck?

CrumFUNist!
Nov 27, 2005



http://www.theonion.com/content/vid...ar_pileup_a_sad

tacodaemon
Nov 27, 2006

~ september reverses and the equinoxes flip ~


bahahaha DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear Attack

it just keeps on being funny

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

LOS ANGELES—Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."

The police officers have been subjected to scathing public criticism over the years for their tendency to play by their own rules, which include refusing to obtain warrants, beating up junkies to extract information, and hurling corrupt city officials through plate-glass windows on more than 60 occasions.

"I called those sons of bitches into my office one by one and made them hand over their badges and guns," Los Angeles Police Department chief William J. Bratton said. "I know deep down that McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to shape up or ship out. Same goes for Conroy, McAdams, Peterman, Black, Grimwald, Tobias, Keating, and McAllister."

"Also Cobb, Williams, Miller, Sanchez, Rutgers, Grodinger, Spencer, Smith, Anderson, Garcia, Walker, Thompson, Nelson, Collins, Ellroy, Morris, Coleman, Gibson, Payne, Matthews, Gonzalez, Jacobs, Hoffman, Walters, and Hopkins," Bratton added.

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates. The 34 officers have caused an estimated $98 million in property damage over two decades, and the LAPD has reportedly received 1,239 citizen complaints about their conduct this summer alone. In addition, each of the suspended officers has suffered nonfatal bullet wounds to the left shoulder.

Despite their many infractions, precinct commander Thomas Henderson defended the officers as "the best drat men on the whole force."

"I don't always necessarily agree with their cockeyed methods, but, I've got to admit, they get results," Henderson said. "And they save the department thousands in chair costs by sitting on the corners of their desks."

The suspensions leave the 77th Precinct virtually depleted of staff. The shortage is compounded by the recent tragic loss of the 34 suspended officers' partners, who were reportedly gunned down in warehouses across the city while doing something brave.

According to internal affairs investigator Lee Birk, the officers have not filed a single police report in 10 years, routinely shoot out the tires of double-parked cars, and have punched out 232 paid police informants who, they later explained, made them "want to puke."

"They destroyed every single squad car and helicopter in the department and ruined the annual policeman's ball more than once," Birk said. "If they didn't prevent the terrorists from blowing up City Hall, they would have all been out on their collective asses."

The officers' darkest moment reportedly came in November 1992, when they shot and killed three dozen children who darted out of a dark alley holding toy guns. Following the incident, Henderson traveled to the San Pedro, CA marina where all 34 officers docked their houseboats. He found them passed out with bottles of Wild Turkey in their left hands and .44-caliber Magnum handguns in their right.

"I dragged every one of those sorry bastards into the shower myself, brewed 28 gallons of coffee, and made them drink it. By the time I was done, it was 3 a.m. and I was completely exhausted, but I got them back on the right track," Henderson said.

City Council candidate Bernard Lawry angrily condemned the rogue officers during a speech at a fundraiser at the Getty Center Monday evening.

"These men are a scourge on our society, and there is no place for this kind of behavior," Lawry said.

Seconds later, the suspended detectives burst into the room, exposed Lawry as the ringleader of an underground child prostitution ring, and escorted him to an awaiting police van in 34 pairs of handcuffs.

For their role in apprehending Lawry, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa rewarded the officers with a mass promotion to police lieutenant. But in the ceremony at City Hall Tuesday, the officers all turned down their promotions by simultaneously throwing their lieutenant's bars to the ground.

"Get that drat thing out of my face," Detective Bruce Walker said as he and his 33 colleagues shoved TV news cameras out of their way. "I've got work to do."

Uuudar
Apr 18, 2003


tonelok posted:

People paid for it? I can get the print edition free very week at like the grocery store, fast food places, etc.

Yeah, I had it delivered to me when I was in a college town. I wanted to support them since I enjoyed it so much. Now I can just pick it up free on the corner every Thursday.

Mighty Mumbler
Nov 9, 2007
If I lie about the size of my package, is that a phallusy?

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood

perianwyr
Sep 20, 2004

space moo

tonelok posted:

People paid for it? I can get the print edition free very week at like the grocery store, fast food places, etc.

this was over a decade ago

now you can get it in the little newspaper vendor things at the metro but it used to be something you couldn't get outside of where it was made

really the greatest onion moments are whenever it gets cited by foreign newspapers but that hasnt happened for a long time?

Bear Report
Aug 27, 2005

Only superstars... like me.

it happened like a month ago

Stymie
Jan 9, 2001

p-p-p-please don't use gendered insults around me

Mighty Mumbler posted:

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood

Pat Boone
Mar 6, 2009


http://www.theonion.com/content/new...ear_battle_with

quote:

Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance

September 22, 2008 | Issue 44•39

DENVER—After years of battling crippling premiums and agonizing deductibles, local resident Michael Haige finally succumbed this week to the health insurance policy that had ravaged his adult life.
Enlarge Image Haige

A healthy Michael Haige and his wife, six months before his courageous struggle with health insurance began.

Haige, who had suffered from limited medical coverage for nearly a decade, passed away early Monday morning. According to sources, the 46-year-old was laid to rest at Fairplains cemetery, surrounded by friends, family members, and more than $300,000 of mounting debt.

"I miss Michael every single day, but at least he can finally rest now," said Sheila Haige, who watched as insurance rates ate away at her husband over time. "What Michael went through, the humiliating forms, the invasive background checks, the complete loss of dignity and hope—I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on anyone."

Once a healthy and happy father of two, Haige saw his life forever change seven years ago when health insurance professionals diagnosed him with a preexisting condition. As months passed and his line of credit continued to deteriorate, the former high school football coach would experience excruciating headaches and bouts of nausea every time another hospital bill arrived.

"My dad always seemed invincible, like there was nothing in the world that could hurt him," son Ryan Haige said. "But then, one night, I found him bent over a stack of UB-92 and HCFA forms, and he was crying. I'd never seen my father look so scared in all my life."
Enlarge Image Struggle Timeline

Added Ryan, "Making those payments each month—it was killing him."

While family members refused to look at Haige's insurance plan as a death sentence, it soon became clear that their loved one was facing the biggest fight of his life. Countless visits to doctors, claims adjusters, and loan officers proved futile, with Haige being told at every turn that his case was hopeless.

"They said there was nothing they could do for him, that modern medicine was powerless against this monster," Sheila Haige said. "Still, Michael never gave up. He kept saying that he was going to beat the odds, that he was going to find some way to get coverage."

According to an independent study released last month by the Mayo Clinic, health insurance is the nation's No. 2 cause of death, claiming the lives of some 400,000 Americans each year. A silent killer, health insurance often strikes without warning, its harmful and profit-based policies avoiding detection until it is far too late. Although the cruel bureaucratic disorder does not discriminate, statistics have shown that senior citizens, young dependents, and those woefully underemployed are most at risk.

"I can't tell you the number of patients I've had to deliver the bad news to over the years," said Haige's longtime family physician, Dr. Howard Silverman. "It's never easy to look someone in the eye and tell them it's going to have to be out-of-pocket. For most of these poor people, prayer is the only hope."

Toward the end of Haige's seven-year ordeal, family members said, the once loving husband and father had become an empty husk of his former self.

"I remember the last thing he ever said to me," said eldest son Mark Haige, holding a small picture of his father during happier times, before the endless battery of co-pays began. "He took my hand in his, and he said, 'Son, promise me you'll never sign up for a high-deductible, network-model HMO.'"

While still angry and in shock over Michael's premature passing, Sheila and her two children say the whole experience has taught them the importance of family.

"If Dad were still with us, I know he would want us to be here, at home, supporting Mom," Mark Haige said. "She really hasn't been doing so well ever since Bankers Life and Casualty denied her life insurance claim."

cheerfullydrab
Dec 29, 2006
leading helpless teens astray

http://www.theonion.com/content/new...n_hes_going_out

quote:

WASHINGTON—During a nationally televised address Tuesday, a visibly tired and worn President Obama informed the country that he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and would be back in 10 minutes or so.

At press time, it was already getting dark and he had not yet returned.

"My fellow Americans, a year ago I was elected to the office of president of the United States," Obama said. "With that responsibility comes a lot of expectations. A lot of pressure. I inherited a trillion-dollar deficit, two wars, a financial system in crisis, and a failing health care industry. I've been trying to piece it all back together, you know? Trying to be the man everyone elected me to be. The man of this White House. But sometimes—sometimes it's like I'm suffocating."

"Anyway, I'm going to go get some smokes, but I'll…be right back," added Obama, his voice trembling slightly. "Don't wait up."

Following the unexpected announcement, a solemn Obama reportedly grabbed his keys, hugged his two daughters for what witnesses called an extended period of time, kissed his wife on the forehead, and quietly whispered, "I love you."

Secret Service agents later confirmed that a half-tearing, half-smiling Obama was greeted by Vice President Joe Biden in the White House Rose Garden. Kneeling on the lawn, Obama reportedly told "Big Joe" that he would be in charge of the country for a while, and that the vice president should keep an eye on Iraq and Iran while he was out.

"He'll be back any minute now and everything will be okay again," said press secretary Robert Gibbs, checking his watch. "Maybe the 7-Eleven he went to was out of his brand so he had to go somewhere else. Or maybe he got lost. Or…or maybe he just decided to stop and get some ice cream for everyone and that's why he's not back yet."

"Yeah, that's it," Gibbs added. "That's it."

Sources within the administration confirmed that Obama has made no contact with members of his staff since leaving on the errand. Among those observed by reporters peering out an East Wing window awaiting his return were Defense Secretary Robert Gates and first daughter Sasha Obama, who said they initially thought they heard the president coming in through the visitor's gate, but that it turned out just to be the White House dog, Bo.

Though many claimed it isn't like the president to just up and leave, sources acknowledged that Obama has seemed distant in recent weeks, worrying aloud about how he's going to keep the nation afloat during a crippling recession, or be a good role model to its more than 300 million citizens.

In addition, White House aides reportedly heard Obama mumbling "It never stops, does it?" and "This—this can't be my life" whenever unemployment climbed a percentage point, North Korea conducted another missile test, or it became apparent there would never be bipartisan support for health care reform.

"About a month ago, Barack asked what I would do if I got something I thought I really wanted, but then it turned out not to be what I expected at all," chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said. "He asked if I've ever just wanted to start fresh again, if I've ever just stopped for a second and asked myself, 'Do I really want to be the person who has to rebuild America's image abroad, only for people back home to say I'm not concentrating enough on domestic issues?'"

Added Emanuel, "Then the president looked me straight in the eyes and he said, 'Rahm, have you ever thought about just sailing off someplace forever and never, ever coming back?'"

Emanuel wasn't the only one to notice a change in Obama.

"One night after work—I think it was a meeting with the Joint Chiefs—he came home late and just sat on the edge of our bed shaking his head for 20 minutes," Michelle Obama said. "I was pretending to be asleep, so I don't think he knew I was watching, but at one point, poor Barack, he just started whimpering."

While the first lady remained confident of her husband's return, citing Obama's tendency to take long walks, Vice President Biden said he saw something in Obama's eyes that told him otherwise.

"He's gone," Biden said. "He's gone, and he ain't never coming back."

Probably the best Obama article since the one about his love for Battlestar Galactica.

Messyass
Dec 23, 2003



tacodaemon posted:

bahahaha DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear Attack

it just keeps on being funny

goddamn, i hadn't seen that one yet

Xephero
Jul 23, 2007



uhhhhhh

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates.

does this really mean that 98% of the people they arrest basically just get unpersoned

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Xephero posted:

uhhhhhh

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates.

does this really mean that 98% of the people they arrest basically just get unpersoned
98% are killed by vigilante police justice, yes.

Loveline
Dec 30, 2005



heres a good one

quote:

Blessed are the conservative in Bible translation
CHARLESTON, W.Va. – The Gospel of Luke records that, as he was dying on the cross, Jesus showed his boundless mercy by praying for his killers this way: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

Not so fast, say contributors to the Conservative Bible Project.

The project, an online effort to create a Bible suitable for contemporary conservative sensibilities, claims Jesus' quote is a disputed addition abetted by liberal biblical scholars, even if it appears in some form in almost every translation of the Bible.

The project's authors argue that contemporary scholars have inserted liberal views and ahistorical passages into the Bible, turning Jesus into little more than a well-meaning social worker with a store of watered-down platitudes.

"Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it's professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible," said Andy Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com, the project's online home.

Experts who have devoted their careers to unraveling the ancient texts of the Scriptures, many in long-extinct languages, are predictably skeptical about a project by amateur translators.

"This is not making scripture understandable to people today, it's reworking scripture to support a particular political or social agenda," said Timothy Paul Jones, a professor at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., who calls himself a theological conservative.

Religious publishers already provide an alphabet soup of Bible translations for a range of theological outlooks, from the King James Version (KJV) to the Revised Standard Version (RSV) and beyond. The most widely used traditional translations were overseen by scholars who are considered the best minds in conservative Christianity.

"The phrase 'theological conservative' does not mean that someone is politically conservative," said Schlafly, who lives in Far Hills, N.J.

This liberal slanting, Schlafly argues, ranges from changing gendered language — Jesus calling his disciples to be "fishers of people" rather than "fishers of men" — to more subtle choices, like the 2001 English Standard Version of the Bible, which uses "comrade" and "laborer" more often than the conservative-friendly "volunteer."

Contributors to the project aren't arguing on ideological grounds alone. The discussion forum on the site is full of discourse on Greek grammar, along with arguments long familiar to Biblical scholars about the history of certain passages.

Take the famous passage from Luke: the Conservative Bible Project omits it not only because it's "a favorite of liberals," but because there's some dispute over its authenticity, based on the manuscripts it appears in.

Jones, the professor, said while some early Greek manuscripts omit Jesus' words, others include them.

"There are so many factors to consider when looking at that, but here it gets boiled down to 'liberals put it in,'" he said. "You've got people who are doing this who have probably never looked at an actual ancient manuscript."

In some ways, the Conservative Bible Project reflects an ancient debate over Scripture. The Bible as it's known today more or less took final shape in the 4th century after hundreds of years of debate over which books were canonical.

The debate flared up again during the Protestant Reformation, when Martin Luther fruitlessly yearned to cut the Book of James because of its fairly explicit contradiction of his belief that salvation could be attained by faith alone.

"People have always done this with the Bible," said Philip Jenkins, a professor of history and religious studies at Pennsylvania State University. "Virtually everyone in a mainstream Protestant or Roman Catholic church in the United States is reading a doctored version of the Bible."

Jenkins is referring to the Revised Common Lectionary, a selection of biblical texts read in worship services that amounts to about a third of the full text.

Schlafly's project is distinctive, though, because non-experts collaborate Wiki-style on the Internet to produce their version.

"The best of the public is better than a group of experts," said Schlafly, whose mother, Phyllis, is a longtime conservative activist known for her opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment.

Jones says the project is a misguided effort to read contemporary politics back into the text.

"Ironically, there's a long tradition of the liberal twisting of scripture," Jones said. "Scholars have rightly deemed those translations illegitimate, and this conservative Bible is every bit as illegitimate."

The Bible's roots in a dizzying variety of ancient manuscripts require a lifetime of dedication to master, said the Rev. Frank Matera, a professor at the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C., and a former president of the Catholic Biblical Association of America.

"There's a little Italian proverb, 'Every translator is a traitor,'" Matera said. "Most Bible translations are usually done by a group of scholars, precisely so they can balance out each other. It's not something that everybody can do."


http://www.theonion.com/content/video/us_rel_conservative_bible

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Church Canceled Due to Lack of God

Xmas Dumpster Fire
May 29, 2001


Xephero
Jul 23, 2007



Xephero posted:

uhhhhhh

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates.

does this really mean that 98% of the people they arrest basically just get unpersoned

seriouspost: when i typed this i forgot it was the onion thread

Hyosho
May 9, 2006


Xephero posted:

seriouspost: when i typed this i forgot it was the onion thread

It's perfectly understandable, I'd have absolutely no problem believing this about any given US police force

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


There's basically an Onion parody video on Fox News right now, Glenn Beck with a room full of black people talking about what's so great about Barack Obama. He just asked the black people how come you all call yourself African-Americans this is INSANE

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Xephero posted:

seriouspost: when i typed this i forgot it was the onion thread
Clearly. I was wondering what the gently caress your problem was, dude!

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Glenn Beck just asked the whole black audience how many of them have been called a traitor to their race and everyone raised their hand. Well clearly, you guys went to Glenn Beck's show taping.

Butlercide
Aug 6, 2001



it's not me saying that poor black ppl are just lazy, it's my audience full of black conservatives saying it!

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


"Obama is pushing plantation politics"
-a black conservative lady on Glenn Beck

Butlercide
Aug 6, 2001



just... just follow me over here for a minute i want to show you something

*Beck moves to flip over a blackboard with a detalied illustration of his scrotum*

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


"Liberalism is evil and cruelty. Conservative values are responsible for all the rights we've gained. Just think if we had all been liberals during the Civil Rights Era, nothing would have gotten done!"

Yep, black lady actually said this.

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Xephero
Jul 23, 2007



kylejack posted:

Clearly. I was wondering what the gently caress your problem was, dude!

your response did not help

sagan sig snipe

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

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