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kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Petey you may as well bring that thread back, because SA is not visible to unregistered right now

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kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


The Onion is bad at archiving, but I think my favorite issue was the one after 9/11

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


One of my old-timey favorites.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,
My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell him to get lost. After all, he seems to be more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What do you think I should do?
--Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,
Oh, God, I'm dyin' over here! Somebody, get me some help, please. Oh, God, I'm dyin'. The pain! Lou, call for back-up if you can hear me. Unggggh! Tell Nancy I love her. Tell the kids to be brave, and tell them that their daddy loves them very much. The pain, I can't stand it! Oh, please help me. I'm too young to die.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,
Here's a real doozy for you: I'm a happily married woman. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, a female acquaintance of mine made a pass at me! I didn't know how to respond, so I acted embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven't talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don't want it to be horribly awkward. What should I do?
--Confused In Cairo

Dear Confused,
Get me to the fricken' hospital! Ghaaaaaagh! Jesus, I'm losing blood fast. Can't take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh! I'm shot. Real bad. I'm spittin' up blood. My insides are all blasted out. What a fricken' mess! Please, somebody, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can't take the pain. Unnnggggghh!

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,
My 14-year-old has really testing me lately, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone until all hours of the night, and ignoring her homework. I told her that if she didn't shape up, she couldn't go to tennis camp this summer, something she loves dearly. Well, the other day, I finally put my money where my mouth is and told her she couldn't go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise, she'll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?
--Wavering In Winston-Salem

Dear Wavering,
Unnnrrrrrggghh! The pain! I can't take it much longer. My guts are all over the floor. I'm goin' to die, aren't I? Give it to me straight, I can handle the truth. Guuuggggghhhh. I'm losing consciousness. Oh, Jesus, that ambulance is never going to make it in time. I never saw it comin'. Oh, shoot, no, please, don't let me die. I can't die, I can't. I got too much ahead of me. I love you, Nancy. I love you, Billy and Ashley. Please don't cry, it's okay. Unggghhhhh. Agggghhh. I'm dyin'.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly advice column, Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I'm Dyin' Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


This was from the Holy loving poo poo: America Under Attack issue after 9/11

Point
We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage


By Kent Doane

On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as it should be to all Americans, what our nation must do: Retaliate with blind, violent rage, striking back with a fury and vengeance the likes of which modern man has never seen.

We must launch every available missile at any nation in which the terrorists are rumored to be hiding. We must bomb every square inch of any country that may be harboring them. Then, when the thick, black smoke has finally cleared, we must bomb them all over again, reducing the rubble to its component atoms. If, in the midst of carpet-bombing a country, we find that it had no involvement in the Sept. 11 attack, so be it. Apologies can come later, but vengeance must be immediate.

After pummeling the holy living hell out of those fuckers with bombs, we should send in ground troops, armed to the teeth, to sweep through and exterminate anyone still alive who might have been involved. America's soldiers must be under orders to pump round after round into their bodies, pausing only to replace their clips. Only then will closure to this horrible event be possible. If we do not strike back fast and with as much military might as humanly possible, America will never be able to heal.

Some people argue that if we capture Osama bin Laden and his co-conspirators, we should bring them to justice before a U.N. tribunal. I say that to bring them before a civilized court is to raise them up to the level of humans. Terrible acts must be punished with terrible retribution. Are we going to humanely execute by lethal injection men who wantonly killed thousands of innocents? Instead, all of those who are guilty must be dipped in boiling fat and fed to dogs.

Many say that using a nuclear weapon on the nations that harbor such sub-human filth would be rash and irresponsible. To which I say, "Why use a nuclear weapon when we have hundreds in our nation's silos?" Should nuclear weapons be used? The question, really, is how many should be used, and can I push the buttons?

Counterpoint
We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage


By Larry Tempel

In this time of national tragedy, many people are letting their anger get the best of them. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that when you're dealing with a crisis, the worst thing you can do is let your emotions run wild. To react rashly will only exacerbate the problem in the long run.

Rather than be blinded by our collective anger, we must keep a cool head and, after careful consideration of the many complex social and geopolitical factors at work here, annihilate the pieces of poo poo who did this with measured, focused rage.

While leveling Afghanistan, Iraq, the Sudan, and Libya with bombs might seem like a justifiable move, we must first ponder the consequences of such a hasty, hotheaded decision. Have we explored all other options? Have we made sure we have the support of other key powers in the region, so that further problems don't develop after we bomb them back into the Stone Age?

Let's also keep in mind that we still don't know with absolute certainty who is responsible for the attacks. Believe me, no one wants to assume Osama bin Laden is behind these heinous acts more than I do. However, basing a military response on conjecture would only weaken our international position and undermine any retaliatory measures we take. What we need is rock-solid, convincing rumors before we can move forward with vaporizing the bastards.

I agree that the perpetrators must be punished severely. But, contrary to what so many knee-jerk, blood-lusting Americans would like to believe, merely capturing and punishing them will not prevent this sort of thing from happening again in the future. No, they must be tried and convicted in a U.S. court of law, so that President Bush can, on live TV, pump bullet after bullet into their bodies, starting with their feet and slowly working his way up. Then, after a great deal of soul-searching and consultation with his top advisors, the president must toss their lifeless, bullet-riddled bodies into a shark tank.

I must also respond to the many voices in this country who have been calling for the use of nuclear weapons. Weapons of mass destruction are not to be used lightly. Much thought and caution must be exercised before making the country that gave safe haven to the perpetrators an unlivable radioactive wasteland. Vigorous debate and discussion must precede any inevitable decision regarding target locations and the number of weapons. This is one area where you absolutely don't want to make a mistake.

We must remember that impulsively lashing out is never the best course of action. True justice can only be achieved through cool, calm, levelheaded armageddon.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Necc0 posted:

you basically get the full effect of the onion by reading the headlines

don't care that someone probably already made this observation

later
This is usually true. There are a few exceptions, like Point/Counterpoint and Herbert Kornfeld, but yeah you're basically right that generally nothing in the article tops the headline.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyph_DZa_GQ

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Here's another Onion article Planned Parenthood Director Quits After Watching Abortion on Ultrasound

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Munkeymon posted:

glenbecklisteners.txt

http://www.theonion.com/content/new...ate_defender_of
Umm, says that Constitution doesn't contain the word God but it does contain the word Lord....

Done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven and of the Independence of the United States of America the Twelfth. In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Uuudar posted:

ya saw that in this weeks paper and went "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Area man brags about living in a city with Onion paper distribution

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Butlercide posted:

today's video, god drat

http://www.theonion.com/content/vid...n_real_life_e_t
That kid is great. Reminds me of the one that butchered the intruder.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

LOS ANGELES—Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."

The police officers have been subjected to scathing public criticism over the years for their tendency to play by their own rules, which include refusing to obtain warrants, beating up junkies to extract information, and hurling corrupt city officials through plate-glass windows on more than 60 occasions.

"I called those sons of bitches into my office one by one and made them hand over their badges and guns," Los Angeles Police Department chief William J. Bratton said. "I know deep down that McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to shape up or ship out. Same goes for Conroy, McAdams, Peterman, Black, Grimwald, Tobias, Keating, and McAllister."

"Also Cobb, Williams, Miller, Sanchez, Rutgers, Grodinger, Spencer, Smith, Anderson, Garcia, Walker, Thompson, Nelson, Collins, Ellroy, Morris, Coleman, Gibson, Payne, Matthews, Gonzalez, Jacobs, Hoffman, Walters, and Hopkins," Bratton added.

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates. The 34 officers have caused an estimated $98 million in property damage over two decades, and the LAPD has reportedly received 1,239 citizen complaints about their conduct this summer alone. In addition, each of the suspended officers has suffered nonfatal bullet wounds to the left shoulder.

Despite their many infractions, precinct commander Thomas Henderson defended the officers as "the best drat men on the whole force."

"I don't always necessarily agree with their cockeyed methods, but, I've got to admit, they get results," Henderson said. "And they save the department thousands in chair costs by sitting on the corners of their desks."

The suspensions leave the 77th Precinct virtually depleted of staff. The shortage is compounded by the recent tragic loss of the 34 suspended officers' partners, who were reportedly gunned down in warehouses across the city while doing something brave.

According to internal affairs investigator Lee Birk, the officers have not filed a single police report in 10 years, routinely shoot out the tires of double-parked cars, and have punched out 232 paid police informants who, they later explained, made them "want to puke."

"They destroyed every single squad car and helicopter in the department and ruined the annual policeman's ball more than once," Birk said. "If they didn't prevent the terrorists from blowing up City Hall, they would have all been out on their collective asses."

The officers' darkest moment reportedly came in November 1992, when they shot and killed three dozen children who darted out of a dark alley holding toy guns. Following the incident, Henderson traveled to the San Pedro, CA marina where all 34 officers docked their houseboats. He found them passed out with bottles of Wild Turkey in their left hands and .44-caliber Magnum handguns in their right.

"I dragged every one of those sorry bastards into the shower myself, brewed 28 gallons of coffee, and made them drink it. By the time I was done, it was 3 a.m. and I was completely exhausted, but I got them back on the right track," Henderson said.

City Council candidate Bernard Lawry angrily condemned the rogue officers during a speech at a fundraiser at the Getty Center Monday evening.

"These men are a scourge on our society, and there is no place for this kind of behavior," Lawry said.

Seconds later, the suspended detectives burst into the room, exposed Lawry as the ringleader of an underground child prostitution ring, and escorted him to an awaiting police van in 34 pairs of handcuffs.

For their role in apprehending Lawry, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa rewarded the officers with a mass promotion to police lieutenant. But in the ceremony at City Hall Tuesday, the officers all turned down their promotions by simultaneously throwing their lieutenant's bars to the ground.

"Get that drat thing out of my face," Detective Bruce Walker said as he and his 33 colleagues shoved TV news cameras out of their way. "I've got work to do."

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Xephero posted:

uhhhhhh

Although the precinct has boasted a 100 percent arrest rate since 1988, fewer than 2 percent of the indicted offenders have gone to trial, since the vast majority of drug dealers, child molesters, and serial killers investigated by the 77th Precinct have died or disappeared before their court dates.

does this really mean that 98% of the people they arrest basically just get unpersoned
98% are killed by vigilante police justice, yes.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Church Canceled Due to Lack of God

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


There's basically an Onion parody video on Fox News right now, Glenn Beck with a room full of black people talking about what's so great about Barack Obama. He just asked the black people how come you all call yourself African-Americans this is INSANE

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Xephero posted:

seriouspost: when i typed this i forgot it was the onion thread
Clearly. I was wondering what the gently caress your problem was, dude!

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Glenn Beck just asked the whole black audience how many of them have been called a traitor to their race and everyone raised their hand. Well clearly, you guys went to Glenn Beck's show taping.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


"Obama is pushing plantation politics"
-a black conservative lady on Glenn Beck

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


"Liberalism is evil and cruelty. Conservative values are responsible for all the rights we've gained. Just think if we had all been liberals during the Civil Rights Era, nothing would have gotten done!"

Yep, black lady actually said this.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


quote:

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."

"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."

Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.

"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."

"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."

"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."

Published three days before Bush took office.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti'

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Less than two weeks after converging upon the site of a devastating magnitude 7.0 earthquake, American anthropologists have confirmed the discovery of a small, poverty-stricken island nation, known to its inhabitants as "Haiti."

Located just 700 miles off the southeastern coast of Florida, the previously unaccounted-for country is believed to be home to an estimated 10 million people.

Even more astounding, reports now indicate that these people have likely inhabited the impoverished, destitute region—unnoticed by the rest of the world—for more than 300 years.

"That an entire civilization has been somehow existing right under our noses for all this time comes as a complete shock," said University of Florida anthropology professor Dr. Ben Oliver, adding that it appeared as if Haiti's citizens had been living under dangerous conditions even before the devastating earthquake struck. "Of course, there have been rumors in the past about a long-forgotten Caribbean nation whose people struggle every day to survive, live in constant fear of a corrupt government, and endure such squalor and hunger that they have resorted to eating dirt. But never did we give them much thought."



Added Oliver, "Had it not been for this earthquake, I doubt we would have ever noticed Haiti at all."

Though anthropologists said they still did not know much about Haiti's history, they claimed that, by observing the Haitians' reactions to this particular disaster, and studying the way the people had come together and taken solace in one another's sorrows, it appeared as if most of them were accustomed to tragic, even horrific, events.

Researchers also came to the "startling" conclusion that Haiti's inhabitants must have at some point in their history been exposed to the English language, as many seemed capable of uttering such phrases as "Help us," and "Please don't abandon us again."

"They are normal people just like you and me," said Harvard University's Aimee Coughlin, who before last week had never come across any mention of the struggling island republic, whether in conversation, on television, or while scanning the front pages of newspapers. "They communicate with one another, they have families and loved ones, and they value religion. However, judging by the way they are fending for themselves—a position they seem almost resigned to—it's clear these mysterious Haitian people don't have much else."

According to Coughlin, the Haitian civilization was discovered on the night of Jan. 12, when relief workers were rushed to several resorts in the Dominican Republic to see if any American tourists had been injured in the quake. During an aerial tour of the island of Hispaniola, members of the Red Cross noticed signs of human life coming from Haiti.

"When we first landed there, I thought, 'No person could possibly live here,'" Oliver said. "Not only did the arid landscape look incapable of sustaining any sort of agriculture, but there was absolutely no infrastructure either. Had we known about this desperate, desperate place sooner, perhaps we could have shared some of our technological advancements with them."

"I've vacationed just miles away in beautiful St. Kitts many times," Oliver added. "Never did anyone say anything about this Haiti place."

Members of the world community were equally shocked at the discovery of such an impoverished civilization. U.N. representatives noted that Haiti's location puts it in the direct path of recent natural disasters such as Hurricanes Jeanne, Hanna, and Ike, disasters that probably caused massive flooding, disease, and death.

Likewise, leaders from a number of Western nations announced Tuesday that they were dumbfounded to learn people were still living without decent shelter, hospitals, or regular access to food and water.

"They must have had no way of communicating with the outside world, because had we known about these Haitians, we would have done everything in our power to help them," U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "Of that I have no doubt."

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


le chat posted:

this is pretty morbid

http://www.theonion.com/articles/no...ld-alive,17339/
Kid's name is Kyle

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006




I maintain that they will have a hard time ever topping their post-9/11 issue.

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


What a total dorkasaurus

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


dorkasaurus_rex posted:

anyways the point still remains that the onion hasn't been funny in a few years and only come up with funny headlines (sorta) that are followed up by unfunny articles. also none of the videos are funny
ITT you are wrong about everything

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products [video]

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


a box of zip disks posted:

i like the onion and all but whats the point of just postin the newest articles/videos?

postin the newest articles/videos

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


We did that one

kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery, Before Getting Abortion

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kylejack
Feb 28, 2006


Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.

hehehe

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