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I am a 20-turning-21 year old girl that is relatively new to this area (Boston, MA) and has a hard time expressing herself in social situations. I consider myself very positive and cheerful, but I don't have much confidence in my ability to express my thoughts in an interesting manner. Most of the time I'll start talking about something, and think to myself "This is stupid, I could have said that better, they're not really interested at all" and find a way to end my story short as to not bother others with having to listen. Even typing this I'm just kind of casually winging it, because if I sat here and looked at what I was producing I'd undoubtedly end up deleting it all. I try to not take risks in what I say, so I feel as if that makes me come off as timid or strangely quiet. All of this is fine and well for me on a day to day basis as I have my old friends from my hometown who know me and like me, and the most amazing, caring person of a boyfriend. I'm far from being socially stunted by this, but I do have a problem meeting and forming real bonds with new people. Because of this problem, one of my birthday surprises (Which was accidentally spoiled by a participator this Halloween) will be a fun evening event: Boston pub crawling with a group of my boyfriend's friends as a way to introduce me to people and give me the authentic getting trashed on my 21st birthday experience. Now, I like these people. They are all very nice and we get along great when my boyfriend and I are invited as a couple to get-togethers, however they are all at least 5-7 years older than me and all have their inside stories from college/work together (computer programmers, the lot of them.) I want to have a great birthday surrounded by nice people, tying on a nice buzz and learning more about them! I really am very excited for it, but my own shyness and internal monologue makes me incredibly nervous. How can I make a good impression? It's fine enough when I'm there at a party or a get-together as my boyfriend's date, but how will I fare when I'm the center of attention? I'm not particularly interesting compared to them, they all have such great stories and jokes. Still, I want them to like me and not think I am weird. I have this fear that I'll be in my head over analyzing what I'm doing, and it will appear phony and they'll be put off. I want to be excited for my birthday, and I think it's a great idea, but my own shortcomings might ruin it. Goons, what should I do? How do I make it through the event? Edit: Also, this thread can now be for programming jokes! Q: Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? A: Because it's below C level! Yeah!?! Later edit: You know, I've got to say I'm a little disappointed in the lack of programming jokes. Alchiba fucked around with this message at Nov 03, 2009 around 23:51 |
| # ? Nov 03, 2009 21:54 |
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| # ? Nov 21, 2009 11:24 |
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I'm young, good looking and rich and I'm from Boston. I'd offer to hang out with you for your birthday but you sound kind of boring. But you do have a boyfriend, that's good news! Honestly, you'll be fine, everyone will be interested in you or at least feign interest because it's your birthday. You been drinking before? If not, you should have a few drinks in social settings because you won't quite know how you'll react. In my experience, alcohol is a wonderful social lubricant, but some people get quiet and retarded when they drink. Also, if you're pubcrawling in Boston, like proper fratty douchebag pubcrawl, you're going to be going to a lot of loud rear end bars where you won't be able to carry on great conversation. Be prepared for that. Don't worry too much, either, that's an excellent way to self-sabotage.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 21:59 |
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I find that Boston is an easy place to bland in with/get along with a crowd, though I'd be chastised to say it's because the locals aren't very clever. Say you're a a bar in Boston you've never been to, surrounded by people who you're cool with but don't really have strong friendly relationships with. You want to have a good time, but you're afraid there's going to bee too much attention thrown in your direction when you're already out of place to begin with. Throw the topic of discussion in any direction. Guys in bars around here will talk about Redsox, Celtics, Pats or any sports teams and rivalries to an insane degree, how stupid our weather is (We just had snow followed by a 65 degree day in october), how good one college is compared to the one next door, what you should and shouldn't be drinking, about a million bands from the local music scene, and things like that. Not that you'd be talking exclusively about those, but use anything around you as a segway to talk to the people around you about what's cool around here and what they like. Most of the coolest times I've had with complete strangers has been tying a few back and talking about music or movies for a while, and seeing just the way people react to other's opinions, or agree or disagree, even about the stupidest trivial things, will help you feel like you know them that much better. If anyone puts you on the spot to talk about yourself, after you've laid out the basics, just say you don't want to bore them with the specifics. If they still press on, talk about anime or something for 4 solid hours.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:10 |
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I'd say just try not to over-think what you're saying and doing. Everyone will be hammered and even if you do or say something dumb, worst case scenario is they won't even notice really. Best case scenario is they think it's hilarious and declare you to be your boyfriend's funniest girlfriend ever. Plus it's your birthday, who's gonna give you a hard time on your birthday?
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:13 |
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You are less entertaining than a computer programmer? That is loving rough. Just have some drinks and wing it like you always do. These people wouldn't be going out with you in the first place if they didn't think you were at least mildly entertaining. If it's anything like 21st birthdays here, your friends will buy you enough drinks for you to not only catch that nice buzz, but also black out and likely wake up in someone's yard missing an arm. Bonding doesn't get much better than that; just go with the flow!
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:25 |
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If only there was something you could do when you turn 21 and go to a pub. Something that could possibly let you forget about your fears and open up.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:44 |
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Harry posted:If only there was something you could do when you turn 21 and go to a pub. Something that could possibly let you forget about your fears and open up. Play darts!
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 22:55 |
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Just tell them a really embarrassing factoid about yourself. Something like, "I wear prescription deodorant!" From then on, nothing you say or do will be comparatively as awkward.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:01 |
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9MM posted:Just tell them a really embarrassing factoid about yourself. Something like, "I wear prescription deodorant!" This is terrible advice OP just have a couple of drinks, they probably aren't expecting you to entertain them anyway. Maybe you've never had a birthday party before but generally it's just an excuse for you to get free drinks. Just don't be silent and weird. You don't have to make a lasting bond with that many people, by the way. It's totally fine to have some friends who are totally casual, grab a beer with -kind of people. Most people have a couple close-knit friends, but a larger number of casual friends. It doesn't make you some kind of inhuman machine, or something.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:06 |
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Danger Jane posted:This is terrible advice Haha, don't worry. I've been lurking for long enough to recognize a fake post. Yes, I have been socially drinking before, with them even. I guess it's just my main and favorite hobbies don't lend themselves to interesting conversation (Cooking and cookbooks and recipe experimentation, light computer tinkering) and I feel like that puts me at a disadvantage. Though, having moved just about every year of my life has gotten me really good at not minding being the odd man out. The issue really arises when I want these guys to like me, when I do want to have a solid friend pool and a home base again.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:14 |
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Keep in mind that what may seem uninteresting to you may be something extremely interesting to these guys. I'd talk about cooking if I was good at it, and I enjoy talking to people who are good at it. Pretty much talking about any of your hobbies is better than being awkwardly silent, so say whatever comes to mind! Last time I went to Boston I was a kid, the bars there looked fun so enjoy yourself and don't worry.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:20 |
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Alchiba posted:Haha, don't worry. I've been lurking for long enough to recognize a fake post. If you're friendly and engaged people will tend toward liking you. Just pay attention when somebody talks to you and respond to them. And have a couple of drinks. If you've never had alcohol before get some and have a few drinks in private so you don't accidentally puke, because you wouldn't have any way of knowing your limits otherwise...but a little alcohol will probably make you less nervous (and therefore more likeable).
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:28 |
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Yeah all you have to do is hold out until you are too drunk to give a poo poo (which won't take too long). Try to remember that most people don't give a poo poo what you do or how you act as long as you're not an rear end in a top hat or a creeper, but above all that it's your birthday so it's pretty much gonna be impossible for you to gently caress up unless you are really really weird.
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:29 |
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decahedron posted:I'm young, good looking and rich and I'm from Boston. I'd offer to hang out with you for your birthday but you sound kind of boring. But you do have a boyfriend, that's good news! In a different thread you said you resemble Philip Seymor Hoffman's browneye...
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| # ? Nov 03, 2009 23:37 |
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nummularia posted:In a different thread you said you resemble Philip Seymor Hoffman's browneye... WHICH ONE IS TRUE????
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 03:42 |
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It's your birthday and you're turning 21, how is this a difficult situation to deal with? Just get black out drunk as quickly as possible, it's like going on auto-pilot for the night
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 04:32 |
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you are way too insecure (or trying to come off that way). i recommend finding interests in life, things you actually enjoy, and going from there. are you really that boring? i think you're just over analyzing the situation because of your insecurity.. just drink (liquid confidence) and everything else will fall into place
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 04:40 |
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Alchiba posted:(computer programmers, the lot of them.)
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 04:40 |
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Whatever happens on your 21st bday is automatically forgiven, provided you don't murder a guy or something. Your entire job is to get plastered, and generally make a fool of yourself, and if you did your job right you won't remember a drat thing. Its what happened to me on 6th street in austin, and gently caress if i can remember what happened that night. Don't worry about it, you'll be fine.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 04:49 |
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Alchiba posted:Haha, don't worry. I've been lurking for long enough to recognize a fake post. I've spent a good couple hours talking recipes with a female friend, I'm a giant hulking male. My point being, you never know what weird poo poo people are interested in, in the type of social setting it sounds like you'll be in there'll be multiple threads of conversation going on throughout the night, with people phasing between them as they lose interest in one and gain interest in another. Not overthinking is key, just listen until you can contribute, and hop in during a lull. Also mutual interests are not neccessary for good conversation, good conversaiton can involve life, and day-to-day things that every human being on the planet knows well and has experienced, including you. Think of it like this; you go to a playground, and the playground has a few different merry-go-rounds, you go and walk between them, until you find the one that looks most appealing, you wait for it to slow down a bit then hop on, hopping on for the first time is a bit difficult, and when you grow bored and decide to get on the next one, that one's tough too, but as the night goes on, and you've hopped on more and more merry-go-rounds, and you've consumed more and more alcohol, getting on each succesive merry-go-round gets easier, until it's natural and second nature. Also of note is that I can't speak for any of these people, but I know that if you were running with the social circle I do, we'd take great pride in drawing you into conversations, and getting you involved in the group discussion, it's just what we do.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 08:56 |
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Alchiba posted:Haha, don't worry. I've been lurking for long enough to recognize a fake post. What do you mean by a disadvantage? Who thinks like this? It seems like your problem is that you don't really understand how fun/social situations even work. You can't really plan fun or how relationships will form with others. If you go and be yourself, you will meet someone to hang out with that is like you or that enjoys your company. People want to hang out with other people who are fun, share common interests, or at least seem like human beings and not robots trying to calculate how to obtain the conversational high ground.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 12:44 |
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You're going to be so drunk on your birthday you won't even remember how you seduced Dechs.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 13:36 |
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pointlessjake posted:You're going to be so drunk on your birthday you won't even remember how you seduced Dechs. Hopefully he won't either...so the same trick will work again next time.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:19 |
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Just smile and nod politely.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:28 |
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Elviscat posted:I've spent a good couple hours talking recipes with a female friend, I'm a giant hulking male. Yeah, there are a lot of people that love to talk about cooking, especially if you actually know what you're talking about. Maybe see someone about the social anxiety too, if you feel like it's holding you back. My husband has social anxiety, but does very well after a beer, so maybe you'll be fine.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:30 |
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I just turned 21 too, and I was nervous because I was at the bar everyone already knew me at. They kept saying that I was going to get hosed up and they're right, I did. Also, once hosed up I went around the bar introducing myself to the 300+ people that was there and got a couple free drinks and a phone number. being 21 is the poo poo so far.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:31 |
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Grazing Occultation posted:Hopefully he won't either...so the same trick will work again next time. You don't even need a trick to seduce me when I'm real drunk. Not fat? Cute enough? DONE.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:33 |
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why would you ever be nervous about hanging with computer programmers? oh because your most interesting aspects are your passions for recipe experimentation and light computer tinkering.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:41 |
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Most people only really want to talk about themselves any way. Ask boring rear end questions about them and let the drunkenly ramble on! They will think you are the bees knees! Don't try to hard, you will be fine. Also, Happy Birthday!
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 14:41 |
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You've already met and hung out with these people and say you get on well with them, why does "making a good impression" even still come into the picture? You've clearly done that already. Go and have fun on your birthday bar crawl and stop worrying about having to be the life and soul of the party, you silly goose - THEY LIKE YOU.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 15:11 |
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howthedevil posted:THEY LIKE YOU. Seriously, if they didn't, they wouldn't want to go out with you on your birthday. Trust me, most people are not shy about making an excuse and not hanging out with a person they don't like.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 15:44 |
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If you act too crazy, your friends will tell people that it is your 21st birthday and people will understand. Be as care free as possible knowing that you have a group of people there who are going to look out for you if you get a little too drunk (and getting too drunk is encouraged so no worries about that).
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 15:54 |
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Alchiba posted:my own shyness and internal monologue makes me incredibly nervous. Another introvert in an extrovert's world. I'm much better than I used to be, just due to learning not to really care too much about what other people think. - Alcohol helps. You probably already know this. - Other people aren't constantly judging you. Most of the pressure you feel in social situations is totally imaginary. Other people are just generally thinking about themselves and what other people think of them. There is really no spotlight on you. - Practice stopping the internal monologue. Try to just get outside of your head. Realize you are just totally over-thinking, ease up on the gas.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:32 |
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AcidCat posted:
Can't emphasize this enough. Shy people have this belief that everyone is hyper-analyzing their every move and statement. That might be true in an artificial construct like a junior high school classroom, but out in the real world most people really don't notice half or even a tenth of what goes on around them. 99% of the time if you have a major gently caress-up you can just gloss over it and no one will know the difference. Professional musicians will tell you the same thing. If you flub a note, or even a whole bar, as long as you act like nothing happened, no one's going to notice that you hosed up. Another thing you have to realize is that even if you blow it majorly and do something embarassing in front of a huge room of people - even if you piss off dozens of friends and acquaintances, it really doesn't matter. There's so many goddamn people on this planet that you could spend your whole life being an rear end in a top hat and still never run out of new people to meet and try again with.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:30 |
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nummularia posted:In a different thread you said you resemble Philip Seymor Hoffman's browneye... To be fair I think it was me that said that.' And I stand by that statement
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 20:25 |
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Actually you and I are in... well, almost the exact situation. I just moved here a few months ago, haven't really made any friends because I'm not that great at it, and today is my 21st birthday. What the hell? My boyfriend's 21st birthday was yesterday. Seems like everyone who is in their early 20s is having a birthday around this time.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 20:37 |
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Skizzles posted:Actually you and I are in... well, almost the exact situation. I just moved here a few months ago, haven't really made any friends because I'm not that great at it, and today is my 21st birthday. What the hell? My boyfriend's 21st birthday was yesterday. Seems like everyone who is in their early 20s is having a birthday around this time. 
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 20:49 |
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Get REALLY loving loaded and piss everywhere. Edit: quote:I guess February was a pretty big month for gettin' it on in 1988. Valentines Day sex makes my wallet hate November
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 22:37 |
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Did you hear that one about the computer programmer who died of exhaustion while shampooing his hair? The shampoo instructions said "wash, rinse, repeat". Now to be totally serious, my 21st was on Election night last year so I got drunk at the bar with a bunch of people from the Obama campaign. I'm probably more socially awkward than you and and all the people there were total strangers, but I still had a great time and I didn't piss anyone off except some rear end in a top hat Republicans. It's only a big deal if you make it one I guess.
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 04:55 |
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tiananman posted:Can't emphasize this enough. Shy people have this belief that everyone is hyper-analyzing their every move and statement. That might be true in an artificial construct like a junior high school classroom, but out in the real world most people really don't notice half or even a tenth of what goes on around them. This is exactly right. People are fundamentally more concerned about themselves than anyone else, I don't mean that in a negative way. Just all the time spent worrying about what other people think of you, how they view you etc is mostly wasted. Unless you're a gigantic tool then most people will like you and a few won't, that's just life. Most of the people you worry about judging you over insignificant poo poo are too busy worrying about the same things themselves to actually take much notice of everyone else. For every time you think something like "I would talk to them, but they might not like me," there are people thinking the same thing about you, or wondering why you aren't talking to them and if that means you don't like them. It's actually a pretty liberating thing to realise that noone else is paying nearly as much attention to your words and actions as you are; most of them are way too busy worrying about their own. Also imagined consequences are usually far worse than real ones and not everyone thinks they way you imagine they do, so just go for it!
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 11:33 |
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