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Let's just get to the point. - Dating for eleven months - Sex is averaging at once to twice a week - I am twenty-four she is twenty-one - She is open to tell me she loves me and how much she cares, which is actually uncharacteristic for her so I buy it. - She is not open to talk about sex I don't believe she is pulling away or that our "spark" is out or anything like that. The girl just doesn't seem to care too much about sex whatsoever and has been this way since she got comfortable telling me, "not tonight." So if anyone has got some solid advice on how to handle this subject matter. Hit me with it. I do plan on having a chat with her this week, but I think I'm wanting to know what I'm going to say better than, "bitch, start giving it up."
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:44 |
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| # ? Nov 21, 2009 23:17 |
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Talk to her about it, there is literally nothing else to say on the matter until you do.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:47 |
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You should find out EXACTLY why she's telling you this... and don't let her give you a simple response.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:47 |
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That's the plan. The most I've gotten out of her in the past is, "I don't want to have sex all the time." I wouldn't have to try all the time if I had any idea when she wanted it. I feel like I'm holding my breath for the opportunity most of the time.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:49 |
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kibbles and bits posted:That's the plan. The most I've gotten out of her in the past is, "I don't want to have sex all the time." "I don't want to have sex all the time." "Why? you used to... what changed? When do you want to? Did I do something?"
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:50 |
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Relationships cannot - and I mean categorically cannot and will not - work without agreement on two subjects: sex and money. Clearly, talk to her. There are a few possibilities - depression, side effects of the pill (get ready to wear a condom every single time if this is the case, and don't whine about it), anxiety, or other medications. Be ready to walk, though. If once or twice a week is what she wants but not what you want, then you're not a match. Sorry. Don't try to pressure her into more sex than she wants. It will be miserable and she will resent you. This always turns out bad.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:51 |
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Pavlic Pie posted:Relationships cannot - and I mean categorically cannot and will not - work without agreement on two subjects: sex and money. Once to twice a week is enough for me, I guess I just can't handle the constant rejection of being told, "not tonight."
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:53 |
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Has she changed physically over this time? Has her lifestyle changed? A woman's sexuality is linked to her perception of self-worth even if she doesn't realize it. Sometimes the root cause of "not tonight" is outside the bedroom. Example: My wife put on a few pounds after we had been together for a few years. Her sex drive decreased dramatically and I was feeling a bit neglected since we were both quite insatiable up to this point. She never lost the weight entirely, but after she got a new job and started doing more creative stuff in a career she loved her sex drive went through the roof.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:58 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Once to twice a week is enough for me, I guess I just can't handle the constant rejection of being told, "not tonight." Tell her that!
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:59 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Thanks. I guess half the problem is, now that you bring more to my thinking, she will not EVER say if she is in the mood. She will simply sit and wait for me to try to get in her jeans and then either let me continue or say no. Therefore, this is the only way I can tell if she wants it or not. Sounds to me like she's never truly feeling amorous, it's just a matter of whether or not she is "meh" about sex or doesn't want it at all. Also, have you tried not initiating sex for a week or two to see if she responds by initiating it herself?
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 16:59 |
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Elpato: Naw, she is an exercise-aholic. At the gym four to five times a week, yoga on top of it. She's a freak about it. Gotten better and better since we've been dating. Curt: I will! Costello Jello: Yea, I've played this game (which makes me resent her and myself) she responded by bursting into tears saying, "I hate myself cause I can't tell you when I want to have sex."
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:03 |
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Elpato posted:Has she changed physically over this time? Has her lifestyle changed? A woman's sexuality is linked to her perception of self-worth even if she doesn't realize it. This is spot on. At the end of the day, you're going to have to have a serious conversation about it. Don't let either one of you get angry and don't let her get away with half-responses or non-answers. Tell her what you feel from a genuine place. Use the template "When you X, I feel Y". Like, "When you say 'not tonight' and close off, it makes me feel unattractive."
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:05 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Elpato: Naw, she is an exercise-aholic. At the gym four to five times a week, yoga on top of it. She's a freak about it. Gotten better and better since we've been dating. I wasn't just talking about exercise. Is everything going OK for her in the workplace/classroom/home? If everything is hunky-dory then that's awesome. I'm just trying to give some input.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:06 |
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kibbles and bits posted:The girl just doesn't seem to care too much about sex whatsoever and has been this way since she got comfortable telling me, "not tonight." Don't go into a discussion making assumptions like the ones above. Just because your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex as often as you do doesn't mean she's not into it in general. Also, she possibly felt the same way before she got comfortable saying no, she just didn't feel comfortable so went ahead even when she would have prefered not to. This is something that's come up a lot in E/N and Ask/Tell in the past. There may be an underlying issue, but there may not be. If not it's just something you have to figure out between you. If there is a compromise that can be reached that you can both be happy with. If you can't, that's when it'll become a bigger problem over time. Is she on the pill? This was a problem for my girlfriend (now wife) at one point. We had similar problems in the past but her libido went into overdrive when she came off it (of course coming of the pill and lots of sex can have consequences you may not want at your age). Has she started any other medication recently?
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:09 |
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Hello Pity
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It seems to me that there is a much deeper issue here when she says stuff like "I can't tell you when I want to have sex". I'm assuming this means she is reluctant to initiate, or perhaps something happened in her past to make her more of a "submissive" or "incidental" sexual partner? You might want to consider that the issue could be mental, not physical.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:10 |
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Sorry, I seemed dismissive Elpato. No intention. I think you guys are on point. I don't believe it's entirely physical. She gets stressed out often and easily. Now she's got school on top of her normal stress levels that were around in the summer. Another issue I'm afraid to admit is that she will be studying abroad next semester, and she's stressed about getting all that stuff together and going. I'm already nervous enough about that. Now I have to get needy and start telling her about my feelings about this stuff. I feel like I'll just stress her out more. Yes, she doesn't initiate what-so-ever. I don't think she has any history of trauma. She does have pretty low self-esteem for whatever reason. She's just not that vocal about it. Hashing it out with her, and if she actually lets me get something out of her, should take care of a lot of how I feel bad, but it just might make her feel worse. Those are just my nerves talking, it's gotta be done. So I won't back down from that.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:25 |
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Hello Pity posted:Just because your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex as often as you do doesn't mean she's not into it in general. Also, she possibly felt the same way before she got comfortable saying no, she just didn't feel comfortable so went ahead even when she would have prefered not to. Sex is a funny thing. Not everyone is willing to put the time, effort, and energy into maintaining a rockin' sex life. For a lot of people, especially women, it's more effort than it's worth. People tend to get complacent in long term relationships, and suddenly sex every day becomes sex once a week, or less. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can't just rub one out. Masturbating rocks, it takes like 5 minutes and you can go about your day, no foreplay, no mess, no half an hour just spent getting her into the mood. You just crank up the internet and grab your dick. My wife used to have issues instigating sex, but I think two things happened. 1) She realized I could bang my gong and be good for another couple days. and 2) all she had to say was "You want to have sex tonight" and I'd already have a boner. So now she has no problem saying, "You want to do it tonight?" and I have no problem saying, "No thanks, I just spanked the monkey."
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:27 |
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Hello Pity posted:Just because your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex as often as you do doesn't mean she's not into it in general. Also, she possibly felt the same way before she got comfortable saying no, she just didn't feel comfortable so went ahead even when she would have prefered not to. Ya, most people gently caress like rabbits in the early parts of a relationship, even the first few months, before they start to balance out with their natural sex-drive. Some people are good to go with once a week and some people are good to go twice a day, and everything in between. Once thing I want to know is how is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Is she pulling away from you or shutting down at all when you're just being together? I ask because in my most recent serious relationship, we were going at it 4-5x a week for the first few months and then it went down to 2-3x a week, and then by month 8 or 9, it got down to 1-2x a month. I noticed that she was pulling away and shutting down somewhat frequently around that time and even more so later on because we had bigger relationship problems that manifested themselves most tangibly in the bedroom. If I would have talked to her about it in a serious manner, the relationship might have gotten better or it might not, but not talking left only the one course.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:29 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Another issue I'm afraid to admit is that she will be studying abroad next semester, and she's stressed about getting all that stuff together and going. I'm already nervous enough about that. Now I have to get needy and start telling her about my feelings about this stuff. I feel like I'll just stress her out more. You'd better not use this as an excuse not to talk to her. If talking about sex and compatibility is enough to drive her off, you never had a chance anyway. If anything, her leaving for a semester should be more of an impetus to solve the problems now, not after being alone for 5 months waiting for her to come back and then have the same issues again. The only good thing about long distance relationships is knowing that she is going to absolutely jump your bones when you see her again. If you can't even say that, well....
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:36 |
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zamin posted:Once thing I want to know is how is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Is she pulling away from you or shutting down at all when you're just being together? Our relationship is great outside of the bedroom. She wants to spend time with me always. Recently we started saying, "I love you." Which is a big step that we had previously talked about not thinking could happen. That was a really big deal for the both of us. There's lots of affection and good times. I'm not worried about that, which is weird cause the girl is out of my league. I think that the lack of sexual interest is really playing on that insecurity of mine. That I might be putting these thoughts into my head to mess with the comfort we've gained being together. Though I know, consciously (thank you spell checker,) that she's very into our relationship. I'm also not used to dating a girl who isn't trying to take off my pants at least three times a week. Those factors all playing together make for me to start being a needy s.o.b. Something that I don't want to be. I think I'm looking for sex as some sort of validation that this extremely attractive, smart, young lady is into me. Though I know very well that she is. This is like therapy.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:37 |
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face the facts thin dick, you're a poor lay
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:38 |
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sometimes people just don't have huge sex drives, and it's not necessarily due to some sort of goofy psychological disorder. just do what everyone's saying and talk to her
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:39 |
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kibbles and bits posted:I'm also not used to dating a girl who isn't trying to take off my pants at least three times a week. Those factors all playing together make for me to start being a needy s.o.b. Something that I don't want to be. I think I'm looking for sex as some sort of validation that this extremely attractive, smart, young lady is into me. Though I know very well that she is. have you ever considered that you may want to have sex because sex is fun? stop rationalizing NOT communicating with her.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:40 |
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decahedron posted:have you ever considered that you may want to have sex because sex is fun?
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:46 |
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The way this looks to me is that she has a lot of things on her plate right now, and you said yourself that she gets stressed pretty easily. Also, studying abroad means she won't see you for quite some time, and she may be subconsciously trying to "cool down" on her passions for you, making the separation hurt less. My suggestion would be to offer to help her with all of her stressful activities. Try to get her organized. Let her know in non-verbal ways that you are here for her, and she can count on you to support her. Show her that you knows she's great, and you are secure in your relationship. You are trying to reduce the number of balls she has in the air. Your sex life is one of those balls. She feels she needs to perform every time, and if she doesn't she may lose your affection. On top of that she probably doesn't feel sexy since her self esteem is so low. Take that point of tension away. Let her get her other stuff sorted out. Reduce her stress. Do something on a weekend where she can just forget her problems and unwind. Don't worry about initiating sex during this time. It will be good for your relationship, and it may just recharge the sex batteries as well.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 17:47 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Elpato: Naw, she is an exercise-aholic. At the gym four to five times a week, yoga on top of it. She's a freak about it. Gotten better and better since we've been dating. Maybe she's just loving tired all the time. Hit her up before the gym. Some women will sublimate their sex drives beneath a ton of exercise. I knew a woman who worked out continuously because she was in love with a man who didn't want her, and yeah, she wasn't horny all the time, but after six months of this she looked like The Hulk.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:04 |
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Having an open dialogue about important issues is obviously a necessary component in a healthy relationship, but it's not very likely to get more sex in your life. Honestly, nothing turns a woman off more than talking about how you feel like you want to have more sex. That's not meeting her at her state of awareness. It's not new information, and it doesn't trigger any urges. Women have a physiological/psychological/biological urge to have lots of sex early in a relationship. It's called imprinting, and the idea is that a woman will inundate a guy to blot out any other sex interests in his life. It might be a period of a few weeks or a few months, but it inevitably trails off. Yeah, every guy wishes his gf or wife would initiate sexual contact, but that's not a reality. So you just have to approach the situation with more tact. Do things that make her want to have sex with you, and then initiate.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:10 |
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tiananman posted:Women have a physiological/psychological/biological urge to have lots of sex early in a relationship. It's called imprinting, and the idea is that a woman will inundate a guy to blot out any other sex interests in his life. It might be a period of a few weeks or a few months, but it inevitably trails off. Bullshit.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:11 |
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tiananman posted:It might be a period of a few weeks or a few months, but it inevitably trails off. AHAHAhahahahahahahaha. Hahahaha. Do you seriously believe that, dude?
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:15 |
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I just thought this up out of the blue but why not have something that has nothing to do with sex...indicate that she wants you? I don't know. Maybe you have a special bottle of red wine that you agree upon and when she wants to get down she just has a glass..then you notice and initiate. Or maybe it's a certain article of clothing like an old comfy t-shirt. Or one of your button down shirts. This actually sounds dumb now that I wrote it but I'm posting it anyway.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:16 |
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tiananman posted:Yeah, every guy wishes his gf or wife would initiate sexual contact, but that's not a reality. Seriously? I get damned near surprise sex-y with my boyfriend sometimes. OP, how often do you guys have physical contact (be it cuddling, backrubs, or making out) without it leading to sex? Are you guys still "keeping up the romance" and doing lots of foreplay, or has sex become formulaic?
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:20 |
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steaksauce posted:I just thought this up out of the blue but why not have something that has nothing to do with sex...indicate that she wants you? I don't know. Maybe you have a special bottle of red wine that you agree upon and when she wants to get down she just has a glass..then you notice and initiate. Or maybe it's a certain article of clothing like an old comfy t-shirt. Or one of your button down shirts. Well, just to confirm, it's dumb.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:27 |
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Isn't thins how relationships usually go? In the beginning you're screwing all the time... but after a year it tends to level out. Or at least that's been the experience I (and most everyone I know who's been in a long relationship) has had. Honestly, after almost a year, twice a week seems pretty good.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:27 |
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kibbles and bits posted:Once to twice a week is enough for me, I guess I just can't handle the constant rejection of being told, "not tonight." This deserves more love because it is more or less literally what you have to say to her.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:28 |
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Possibilities: 1)She just has a lower sex drive than you and is perfectly satisfied with how much sex you are having now. This isn't great, but it doesn't have to be a death sentence for your relationship. She might be willing to compromise with you. But you need COMMUNICATION. 2)She has a higher sex drive but is so busy/stressed out that she doesn't feel like doing it. The worst thing you can do here is get bitchy about not getting enough sex. Don't make her feel like you are somone putting obligations on her time too. TALK TO HER and figure out what's bothering her and if you can help in some way. 3)She's feeling that something is wrong in the relationship and is subconciously pulling away from you. This sucks if it's happening, but you won't know UNLESS YOU SIT YOUR rear end DOWN AND TALK TO HER. Also, the guy who said that women are biologically driven to gently caress a lot at the beginning of the relationship and then stop is crazy. I believe that men and women pretty much have the same sex drive, women are just better at suppressing it and ignoring it.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:33 |
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demozthenes posted:Seriously? I get damned near surprise sex-y with my boyfriend sometimes. I'm gonna throw around some generalizations here because anecdotal evidence is loving useless. Most men want more sex - and most women don't initiate sex most of the time. Most couples have lots of sex when they first meet. We know this - and I don't why people are making GBS threads the bed because I'm throwing it out there. We also know that men are hardwired to want sex more or less all of the time - whereas women are much more cyclical in their sex drive. It's not new information folks.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:35 |
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demozthenes posted:OP, how often do you guys have physical contact (be it cuddling, backrubs, or making out) without it leading to sex? Are you guys still "keeping up the romance" and doing lots of foreplay, or has sex become formulaic? I do as much foreplay as possible, but her lack of response sometimes makes me think she just wants to get to the point. I dunno. She's gorgeous, but not the best sex I've ever had. Not that it matters to me, I'm just happy to be getting to that point sometimes.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:36 |
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tiananman posted:I'm gonna throw around some generalizations here because anecdotal evidence is loving useless. you're dumb if you think men want more sex than women
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:37 |
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OMG BYZANTIUM posted:UNLESS YOU SIT YOUR rear end DOWN AND TALK TO HER. You guys have been very helpful.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 18:38 |
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It only gets worse.
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| # ? Nov 04, 2009 19:01 |
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