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Until recently, I had been seeing this girl (for about a year, I think). We met through a friend and hit it off instantly. We would video chat for hours every night. I would visit her on the weekends and we would picnic and watch movies together. It was the most relaxed and natural I'd ever felt with a girl. I remember that she asked me to read her to sleep once, so there I was, feeling half stupid with her snuggled up against me, reading to her while she dozed. I'm 26, just fyi. Ain't a high school drama. I had to move. Military. I left for training and we kept in touch. The weekend drunkenness and faster pace of the training environment made me neglectful of her. I had her flown out to see me in a nearby city one weekend and I was cranky and tired and it just wasn't like it used to be. After training, on my way to where I live now, I drove half way across the country to see her one more time. I was anxious about moving and tired and was not myself. I told her that I no longer felt excited about us. This was probably my biggest mistake. I get here, to my new base. I have to find housing and wait for my furniture to arrive and set up utilities and do all of that moving stuff, plus I'm working about 70 hours a week. This goes on for about a month. I finally buy a new computer and get online to talk to her. She fell in love with a guy she used to know and is going to move across the country to be with him. In the time it took me to get back in touch with her. I feel like absolute poo poo. I went crazy, trying a bunch of different arguments to.. well, I don't even know what I was trying to do. She ends up busting out chatlogs to show me what an rear end in a top hat I was while in training, and yeah I was an rear end in a top hat. Not abusive or anything, just ambiguous, confusing her about how I felt. She was so kind to me and I did not reciprocate. So this is my fault. I should have called. I should have paid her more attention. I shouldn't have let the stress of moving distract me of the good thing I had with her. So I have evened out a little. I'm not quite as nuts about this as before, but I still think about it all day long and it's distracting me at work. I made the mistake of looking up her facebook page and blam, there they are. Main pic, he and her. Smiling really big. I felt like my heart was going to explode when I saw that. I wondered if I'd ever been on her facebook. The thing is, she's really intelligent and thoughtful and kind. She is virtuous and I am scum. She has never done anything wrong to me, and I am probably not worthy of her love anyway. What should I do? She wants to be my friend, but all i can think of when I talk to her is how I just want to peel the loving skin off of my face or bash my head through a wall because I am an idiot and lost the best thing I have ever had just because I didn't return a few loving phone calls received while I was asleep. I am really frustrated with myself and I don't know what to do. tl;dr: I went away and was a jerk and a girl I think I love is in love with another dude.
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 22:49 |
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| # ? Nov 22, 2009 10:51 |
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e (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 22:52 |
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Yeah, that certainly does suck but time heals all wounds and you'll be fine. Stop looking at her Facebook page.
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 22:54 |
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It sounds like you should take some time off to refind yourself and feel comfortable in your skin before you talk to this girl again. She has moved on, you need to too. Trust me, she's not the girl you're making her out to be in your head. Shes a normal person like you, dude.
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 22:57 |
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I'm sorry. I really really am. Whenever I hear about military relationships, I just get a pit in my stomach. I've been there, done that. It's hard. It won't stop being hard. To be honest, if you were having so much trouble in training, it might have been for the best. Deployments can be harder on relationships than even basic training. I really wish you well. You'll move on and hopefully things will work out.
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 23:03 |
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Was expecting this thread to be about how you didn't bury her deep enough under your flowerbed. Was most disappointed.Juice Box Hero posted:The thing is, she's really intelligent and thoughtful and kind. She is virtuous and I am scum. She has never done anything wrong to me, and I am probably not worthy of her love anyway. What should I do? She wants to be my friend, but all i can think of when I talk to her is how I just want to peel the loving skin off of my face or bash my head through a wall because I am an idiot and lost the best thing I have ever had just because I didn't return a few loving phone calls received while I was asleep. Stop thinking like this. There are many, many ways in which you might or might not have hosed up. Thinking over them obsessively won't get her back. From the way you talk about it there wasn't much you could have done about it anyways - you were half the country away and busy as hell. On the plus side, if she's moving halfway across the country to be with a rebound guy, she's probably hosed up harder than you did. We'll be seeing her on e/n very soooon...
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| # ? Nov 05, 2009 23:59 |
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Yah it's over dude, take it as a lesson learned and find someone new. Have you rebounded yet with anyone physically cause if not that'll make you jones harder for her than you would if you had.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 00:08 |
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What you have to do is accept it's not going to work out and then move on. She's not interested for whatever reason and now's the time to process that information, learn what you can from it (like how not to be an rear end in a top hat in future) and take that on into your next relationship. Sucks to lose out on being with someone you like but it's not the end of the world - you'll meet someone else and hopefully you wont screw it up.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 00:11 |
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Murderion posted:Was expecting this thread to be about how you didn't bury her deep enough under your flowerbed. Was most disappointed. I was hoping I'd get to say this first.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 00:53 |
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It's always tough when you think you've "hit it off instantly". But then come to realize that really just you in a vulnerable state. She on the other hand has a different plan. I know, because I was in a similar situation. It's still hard to forget sometimes, like a little flame which will probably dwindle in time but the hardest part was reliving all the events. I have a wall I put up around new people. Maybe she was trying to find a way in and my defense mechanism was to be the rear end in a top hat. You can't do nothing but move on. DON'T do anything stupid like try to kick the guys rear end or something. Reality, he won because he's learned from his mistakes, now it's yours.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 01:29 |
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Christmas Gift posted:It sounds like you should take some time off to refind yourself and feel comfortable in your skin before you talk to this girl again. She has moved on, you need to too. Seconding this, and if you haven't done so already, OP - at least apologize and try to mend fences, and keep things going. She's not the only girl you'll meet or feel comfortable with or love - eventually you'll find someone close to where you are, whom you can have a fulfilling relationship with, and you'll think back at how dumb/silly this whole situation is. You'll be friends with this girl again, you'll still talk, but your feelings for her will fade over time - don't beat yourself up over the whole deal.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 01:43 |
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It's rough but you have to move on. Take some time to work on yourself and then take a decade or so of just dating.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 02:40 |
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At least if you stay friends with her like she wants if those two are ever on the rocks you'll be able to hear about it and make your move. Play it smart, keep her close, but your intentions to yourself until you're ready to move. Make sure he knows what you're up to while she does not, this will drive a wedge between them, making him seem to her like the insanely jealous type and her to him like she's keeping you around because of some unresolved feelings, and because of this he'll doubt her commitment. Over time he'll accuse her of cheating on him with you, only deepening the rift forming between them. Play the sympathetic ear, and offer her your couch should she ever need it, as a friend, of course. Maybe vocally worry about if he'll hit her, if he seems the type. He'll go insane, and she'll crack, they always do. Do what I say and she'll be in your arms by next Christmas. Covert Ops Wizard fucked around with this message at Nov 06, 2009 around 02:50 |
| # ? Nov 06, 2009 02:47 |
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You told her you were no longer excited about the relationship and then didn't have any communication with her for an entire month. Then you throw in this little remark: "In the time it took me to get back in touch with her." as though it's her fault for moving on or something. Forget about her and any other girl until you're ready to not be a retarded jerk.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 04:30 |
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If you still talk to her ask her to even block you on facebook. Trust me it helps.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 06:51 |
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It seems to me like you didn't really give a gently caress until after she started dating someone else. You're lonely and in the military and she was there and willing. It was easy and when the timing happened to work for you she wasn't available anymore. She did what she needed to do for herself.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 07:09 |
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Anyone else think it's strange that she kept chatlogs handy enough to throw them back in his face as "proof" that he wasn't nice to her? Sounds like you hosed up, but I wouldn't want to be with someone if they were keeping a document of my every trespass against them.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 07:21 |
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tiananman posted:Anyone else think it's strange that she kept chatlogs handy enough to throw them back in his face as "proof" that he wasn't nice to her? Well gchat autologs chats... Anyway, yeah that sucks. Time will heal the wound though. And its probably best not to talk to her for a while, or look at her facebook or anything similar.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 08:28 |
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If you still love her and want her to be happy, accept that it's for the best you're not getting a second chance. There's a lot of unwanted drama created in relationships by exes who keep hovering around, and if you want to prove you're not an rear end in a top hat, don't do this until you can see her as just a friend. If you can't, move on.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 09:25 |
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Juice Box Hero posted:She fell in love with a guy she used to know and is going to move across the country to be with him. In the time it took me to get back in touch with her. 1. You should never expect to be able to pick up where you left off after you dumped someone. The other person will move on and it is entirely in their right to do so. Let her go. 2. She did fall into a new commitment really fast after the break up with you. Either this was already brewing during your unpleasant behaviour and she didn't tell you yet, or she's rather emotionally immature, going from "he is the one" to "no he is the one" on a half year basis.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 10:27 |
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You hosed up, deal with it. Don't try to get in touch with her again it feels like you'd only make things worse.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 10:35 |
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Covert Ops Wizard posted:Best plan ever. Haha man that was a great post and your name makes it even better. OP I would either listen to Mr. Wizard or just take some time for yourself. Figure out exactly what you need to do to 1. get over this girl entirely and 2. make yourself happy. That is the most important thing in my opinions, being happy. Life is to short and you have wasted to much time feeling bad over this already, it isn't worth it. Good luck man.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 11:38 |
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Start drinking and get in fights on base. Show up where she lives unannounced. Start living life like you don't give a gently caress anymore. In a few years you'll level out. Or you won't but either way you won't end up being a pussy like everyone else wants you to be. You've got 4 years till your 30. Live like it. Today is a new day, go get hosed up.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 13:04 |
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Pretty sure this is a case of "she friendzoned you" and now you're coming back with "zomg I love you don't leave me" stuff. I think she's creeped out. I also think you're acting creepy and need to stop. Your age is pretty irrelevant here, you're acting super immature and just need to understand that she's not some heaven-sent goddess, she's a chick that had some qualities you really like and you should try to seek those out in someone else. But not her, she's moved on.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 15:14 |
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Juice Box Hero posted:The thing is, she's really intelligent and thoughtful and kind. She is virtuous and I am scum. She has never done anything wrong to me, and I am probably not worthy of her love anyway. Stop idealising her (and all future women) as the epitome of virtue and find a hobby other than beating yourself up. You have apparently made some mistakes; learn from them. This is your problem, at least as much as the way you say that you've treated her.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 16:31 |
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Don't beat yourself up over screwing up. Odds are she was just as much at fault. I'm sure you made mistakes, but the fact is, that was you, and if you and she were back together now you (and she too) would probably make the same mistakes all over again. If you made mistakes, figure out why you made them. Now's your chance to help yourself. I was of the exact same mindset when my last relationship ended. I dropped the ball in so many ways, even though I wanted the relationship to work more than anything. I just felt so overwhelmed. I still don't know exactly what 'went wrong', but I now know it wasn't all my fault. She was mean and inconsiderate to me at times. She didn't meet my needs (which I never even acknowledged I had at the time). She was impatient and unsupportive. At the time and after the breakup, I blamed everything on myself. It just doesn't help to put blame on anyone. A relationship is 2 people. They feed off each other. It's not your fault. You have a right to be sad, but try not to feel guilty.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 16:58 |
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She played the hand you dealt her. Deal with it and move on.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 17:16 |
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You only think you love her now because she's with someone else. Like most guys you just want what you can't have anymore.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 18:21 |
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Every girl who reads this is happy for her. She found someone who will treat her better. If she had waited for you, you would still be wasting her time. I really hope you feel better soon; and then learn to show some appreciation for people when you move on.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 04:24 |
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Llama Patrol posted:It just doesn't help to put blame on anyone. A relationship is 2 people. They feed off each other. It's not your fault. You have a right to be sad, but try not to feel guilty. Although yes, there are two people in a relationship, sometimes it is just the one partner screwing things up. It's ridiculous to think that there always need to be two people are fault when there are two people involved.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 05:50 |
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Juice Box Hero posted:I told her that I no longer felt excited about us. If a guy told me that I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for his phonecalls, which may or may not come. She did the right thing by moving on, and now you should do the same.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 06:09 |
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Everyone, in my opinion, seeks someone whom they are compatible with. Not everyone actually finds this in their life. I know everyone says that there is a person out there for you, but they might or might not be waiting. Sometimes that person stays with another because they are comfortable in the relationship and think that comfort will last, sometimes they want a bit of drama to add a "spice" to their life, and trust me, people FEED off that drama. You seem to feel pretty strongly about this girl. I propose to you these questions: Do you REALLY love this girl? I'm talking epic biblical love. Next life kind of love? Waking up to this girl forever love? If you can answer, "yes" to those questions, then I think it is in your best interests to continue being her friend. You never know what may happen in the future. If you can't live without her existence, then you should make sure she's happy at all times, and to me, that means being her friend. 
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 08:48 |
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Jesse James posted:Everyone, in my opinion, seeks someone whom they are compatible with. Not everyone actually finds this in their life. I know everyone says that there is a person out there for you, but they might or might not be waiting. Sometimes that person stays with another because they are comfortable in the relationship and think that comfort will last, sometimes they want a bit of drama to add a "spice" to their life, and trust me, people FEED off that drama. This is the worst piece of advice that I have seen e/n produce.  Please tell me you are trolling.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 16:10 |
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Jesse James posted:If you can answer, "yes" to those questions, then I think it is in your best interests to continue being her friend. You never know what may happen in the future. Yeah and also have fun committing suicide.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 23:52 |
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Murderion posted:This is the worst piece of advice that I have seen e/n produce. Oh, good lord he should get out of her life immediately. You keep calling her and you go from ex-boyfriend to creepy stalker. Just stop!
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 23:57 |
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Covert Ops Wizard posted:At least if you stay friends with her like she wants if those two are ever on the rocks you'll be able to hear about it and make your move. An ex did something very similar to this to me and soured a really awesome relationship  If I was smarter/a better boyfriend I would've stepped up and stopped that bullshit sooner though.
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| # ? Nov 08, 2009 08:35 |
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Jesse James posted:I'm talking epic biblical love. Like the love I have for my lord and savior jesus christ?
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| # ? Nov 09, 2009 18:32 |
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Be happy for her.
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| # ? Nov 09, 2009 19:26 |
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Incredulous Red posted:She played the hand you dealt her. Deal with it and move on. This. What do you expect someone to think when you don't contact them for a month? I mean I'm sure she's not farting sunshine and rainbows like you make her seem, but seriously if someone I was interested just stopped talking with me, yeah I'd probably be dating someone new a month later.
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| # ? Nov 09, 2009 19:36 |
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