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Telling people the things you want to say versus the things they want to hear. A long time ago some not-too-good friends of mine treated me like poo poo and saddled me with some serious trust issues in every friendship and relationship I've had since then. I try very hard to not be the jealous and paranoid person I know I am, but the temptation to mentally kick my own rear end constantly is too much to resist. Unanswered text? It's because whatever I said must have been really lame. Phone call went to voicemail? I'm not cool enough to hang out with this Friday night. Facebook chat message was ignored, I've become a waste of time. The main reason that I post this thread is because that even though I realized my problem a long time ago and even spent some time in therapy, the focus of those sessions was to get over my social awkwardness (note: the key is to hang out with people even weirder than you are, and realize how they are so), my paranoia went unattended to, and my vivid suspicions have only become sharper over time, and they might soon start doing some real damage. A few months ago I posted a flowery long-winded thread about the end of a summer romance, which can be found at http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3190692 Long story short, a full-stop from "I love you" to "We're just friends" didn't work, and we even went official for a while even with her being so far away, and although that deteriorated, if you had to put a nice Internet label on what we're doing right now it would be "It's Complicated". This girl still tells me she loves me all the time. But I'm not so sure I love her the same way anymore. I'm a glutton for the attention and I don't want to seem like the rear end in a top hat in all of this and my feelings are in an uncomfortable gray area, so I tell her I still do. But what if she stops? Why is it I can see her commenting statuses and leaving picture comments but she's not online talking to me? Why aren't we having a voice chat? What if she meets someone else? What if I'm left sitting here alone with my dick in my hand and all of my gooey emotions? While airing my grievances sure makes me feel better, it's probably a turn off to her, turning my paranoid complications into self-fulfilling prophecies. I have to constantly remind myself not to get angry or be annoyed with people when they're not as prompt at paying attention to their phone as I am, and this is just an extension of the same basic problem. Am I just a possessive rear end in a top hat? (Yes.) When can I learn to trust people and realize that just because they aren't paying constant attention to me doesn't mean that they don't feel the same way they did yesterday? It feels like a black ugly nasty shitness I have to keep locked up inside, and it's trying to get out all the time. How do I build trust? Not just in deteriorating long-distance relationships, but in all of my relationships? Help.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 09:23 |
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| # ? Nov 22, 2009 01:41 |
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I've been in somewhat similar situations, though yours sounds much worse, and this isn't about me anyway. What you have to accept is that there are things you'll never have control over, and the harder you try to control them, the more they will slip away. As you've indicated, unloading your paranoia on those you love will drive them away (also, it won't help one bit), but the root of the problem is not that you need to air these feelings - the root is the feeling itself, which you seem to know is mostly unjustified. It's very simple, but I think two things might help: (a) Don't always assume the worst. Assume the most likely. People not responding to texts? Cell might be switched off, they could be doing something else, they could have seen it and then forgotten about it, etc. These are explanations infinitely more likely than people ignoring you on purpose or for some dark reason. (b) Some things happen, and you can't do poo poo about it. Paranoid about your S.O. going out alone? Trust me buddy, if someone wants to cheat on you, it's going to happen, no matter how much energy you spend trying to prevent it. Relationships of any kind can't work without trust, and you either need to accept the risks that come with giving such trust, or decide you're not ready to give that amount of trust yet and don't be in a relationship.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 09:36 |
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MetalFrailRuiner posted:I'm a glutton for the attention you've come to the right place but seriously, learn to 'forgive yourself.' this is key in life for someone clearly wracked by anxiety.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 15:38 |
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MetalFrailRuiner posted:A long time ago some not-too-good friends of mine treated me like poo poo and saddled me with some serious trust issues in every friendship and relationship I've had since then. How would you describe your relationships with your current friends?
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 16:16 |
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The worst is when you see signs, and you dismiss them. You let your trust win over your insecurities. And then you're crushed when you realize you were right in the first place. That feeling is horrible. My therapist has suggested that I'm kind of out of touch with reality. Like I have this idealized version of reality in my head that isn't always quite in sync with how things really are.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 17:15 |
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I think everyone's had that friend that hosed them over and it hurts. For you, it seems to have happened more often than to most. Just remember that the world may be full of assholes, but very few of them seek you out specifically to gently caress with you. They'll just gently caress with you on the spot and no one past high school age really starts a friendship or relationship with you just to get their rocks off by loving with your head. It's one of those things that takes time and that really is the only cure. Just don't go into every interaction with another person expecting to get hosed.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 17:25 |
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Your underlying issues aside, just because some people treat you like poo poo doesn't mean everyone will. I think I'll let you slide tho because you're a loving crazy person.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 17:36 |
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holy poo poo you're a little weird eh
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 17:54 |
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Does this sound familiar, OP: Pulling away extra hard so that she comes closer. Feeling that red burn of jealousy that makes you feel so lovely that you have to inflict it back on her, even though she did nothing to deserve it. Letting assumptions build resentment towards her. Controlling your gf to the point of hating yourself for becoming that kind of person. Putting her through so much poo poo that she actually finally cheats on you because your relationship is so unfulfilling. You can't trust and love someone if you don't trust and love yourself. Seriously. The way you view yourself says a lot about how you view everyone else. Learn to love yourself. If you live alone, or have a lot of alone time, take off all your close and gently caress something. Anything. I'm kidding about the loving part, but seriously just sit naked, by yourself. Learn to love every part of yourself. And surround yourself with awesome people. Cut those negative people out of your life and find some people who can serve as role models. When you find a crowd of awesome people, you rise to the occasion and you start looking at that old behavior as ridiculous and weird. And next time you date, try finding a person who would never, ever put up with the same disrespectful poo poo you may have inflicted on old girlfriends. You're not a bad person for putting gf's through all this poo poo, you're just hosed up and you're acting out because something inside your head is telling you, and making you believe, poo poo that isn't true. If someone's gf was cheating on them, and loving somebody instead of calling you back, and giving that guy at the concession stand at the movie theater her number instead of going to the bathroom like she told him, the guy would freak the gently caress out. Your mind's making it real, so of course you're going to be emotional. So, if a girl puts her foot down and sets your rear end straight, you might just figure out that you're just being a huge idiot.
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| # ? Nov 06, 2009 18:25 |
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