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I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. She lives near Boston and I live near New York, and we both go to school and what not so it's difficult for us to get the time to see each other in more than a bi-monthly basis or more depending on everything. She's supposed to come down for Christmas. In the two years, her father moved away, her step-father left, and her grandfather has died. All of this happened very rapidly and for a long time we'd speak every day and she'd cry. We worked through it. The distance is tough but we've always managed to get through it. Until recently. About two weeks ago, she met a guy named Josh. They became friends - most of her friends graduated and moved away so I didn't have a problem with it. Until apparently she was becoming miserable being so far away from me. The past week has been hell, I've been sick and we've both been upset and/or fighting. On Wednesday, we talked for a long while and we both agreed that we can still stick this out, even if it's hard, and be fine. I planned on moving up towards her in the summer when it became possible. On Wednesday, after we spoke, she went out and met Josh again. They kissed. She told me this at about ten o'clock the next night. Now she's telling me the only way we can stay together is if the relationship becomes non-exclusive, or if I let her go and be with other people until she decides if I'm the one that's right for her and if I'm willing to give her a chance. And I don't know if I am. I don't know if I can stand the thought of her being with other people. I don't know if I can stand being the one she comes back to when, or if, she decides that I was right for her after all. I don't know if I can decide to let this happen. I love her, dearly, and I don't want to let her go, but I can't help but feel she's taking advantage of me and using me as a safe return option while she goes and has her fun and I stay at home and be miserable. This is the last place I wanted to turn too, but I don't really have anyone else I feel comfortable talking too about everything. What do I do?
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:08 |
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| # ? Nov 21, 2009 05:53 |
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You obviously can't handle this. Just be glad she told you when she did. It'll be tough but end it now. She clearly isn't in the relationship anymore. If you really care about being with her then your best chance is to end it before things go to poo poo and you can maybe salvage things after she realizes Josh isn't that great.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:12 |
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Relationship over, move on
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:12 |
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-S- posted:Relationship over, move on I'm sorry, but this is right. Let her go. It's better for her. More importantly, it's better for you.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:16 |
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If you only saw each other twice a month she wasn't your girlfriend anyway, long distance relationships almost never work out, let it go. Your instinct on this one is pretty much dead on.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:17 |
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Just let her go and move on. You can't make her stay, so don't let her string you around until she figures out whether or not she's even coming back. Even if she decides to come back to you once she's done loving other dudes, will you really be okay with that? Can you go back to the way things were, and forget that she's just spent a few weeks/months/whatever with other guys? I don't know about you, but that would bug the poo poo out of me. Just the fact that she thinks it's okay to keep you around as a back-up plan seems very insulting.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:19 |
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I didn't even need to read the post. I did it, but didn't need to. Sounds like you're two high school kids fresh in new environments (high school-to-college and at least one of you old-town-to-new-town) and thought you could make a LDR work. Good on you, but that poo poo never works out. There are just way too many new, interesting guys/girls/bars/hangouts/drugs/etc. out there for you to be able to compete with, especially when you can only do so by telephone/internet 99% of the time. Like others have said, be thankful that she seems to have enough respect for you to be up front with you about it rather than tag this new dude while trying to let the relationship with you wither away. Don't go for an "open" relationship because there's no such thing. Either your heart is in it or it isn't. Tell her if she doesn't want to be exclusive, then you can't be in a relationship at all. Find someone around you just like she did and maybe someday you two will cross paths again, but don't bet on it or hope for it. And while you're at it, find someone who would find her suggestion that you be her back-up plan as insulting as all of us do. She's pretty clearly trying to justify something she can't to herself, but still, goddamn.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:20 |
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-S- posted:Relationship over, move on Yeah, I'm agreeing with this. And not in a mean way, either. Sounds like she's going through some rough emotional times, distance is really hard to cope with when you need immediate emotional support. It sounds as if her needs aren't being met by your relationship, and if she feels that having her emotional needs met right now is the most important thing, then you're going to just have to let her go have at it. Sometimes circumstances just bite you all in the rear end.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:22 |
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Calvervtutrp posted:Just let her go and move on. You can't make her stay, so don't let her string you around until she figures out whether or not she's even coming back. Even if she decides to come back to you once she's done loving other dudes, will you really be okay with that? Can you go back to the way things were, and forget that she's just spent a few weeks/months/whatever with other guys? I don't know about you, but that would bug the poo poo out of me. Just the fact that she thinks it's okay to keep you around as a back-up plan seems very insulting. This is what bothers me the most. I don't think I could ever look at her the same if she did this. It just means to me that she didn't love me enough to stay loyal to me. I think she's making a big mistake and she'll realize it in a few weeks, and by then I don't know if it'll be too late. I know what I should do, but I dread picking up the phone and ending it after this long. I just want to see if she can come down one last time and we can work through this. Edit: Spitcloth basically said what I meant a whole lot better. gently caress.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:23 |
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Cow Bell posted:I can't help but feel she's taking advantage of me and using me as a safe return option while she goes and has her fun and I stay at home and be miserable. Sorry but this is dead on. She's either using you as a safety net or trying to break it to you gently that it's over. I'm not saying she never felt anything, but I am saying that she isn't feeling it now. Tell her that if that's how she feels then its over. Also make sure you go out and have your own fun, you aren't gaining anything by staying at home and being miserable. If you do want to take her up on her suggestion (which I'd strongly advise against because it will probably only lead to bitterness and resentment) make sure she knows that "not exclusive" is not a one way thing. If you do want to take a break and maybe reassess later then make sure she knows you'll be looking for other girls in the meantime and not just pining over her and waiting to see if she's ever "ready." Also make it clear you won't necessarily be available if she does decide she's made a mistake with Josh. If it turns out she'd be expecting you to wait for her while she fucks around and makes her mind up then you can tell her to gently caress off and thank your lucky stars that you found out she was a maladjusted crazy bitch before you moved.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:27 |
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I recently was in a situation much like this one, though I had been with him for almost 9 years and long distance for 6. I can sympathize with your girlfriend about the loneliness but I can tell you now too that I did occasionally ask to open up the relationship too and it was because I had mentally and emotionally checked right out of it and I didn't want to be with him anymore but I couldn't bring myself to break up with him. Every time he refused we agreed again and again to try and work on it, but about 4 weeks ago I gave up and ended up cheating on him with a now barely mediocre friend of mine. My suggestion is that she probably wants out but she can't bring herself to do it, if I were you I would break up with her now... Not to sound cold but it's just that if you break up with her and you two really do love each other, you can both go your separate ways and may one day be able to find your way back to each other with at least minimal hard feelings. - Something which, because of the way I ended it, is highly unlikely to ever happen regardless of how badly either of us may want it in the future. Jems fucked around with this message at Nov 07, 2009 around 00:31 |
| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:28 |
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Something has to give dude. Apparently it's not enough for her not having someone there (I know how this goes). You should tell her how you feel, e.g., "I don't know if I could take you back if you do such-and-such..." If it is really just the LDR thing that is killing the relationship, and not something else, and this is really the girl for you, you better be finding a way to move there before summer. Otherwise, sever.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:28 |
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Cow Bell posted:This is what bothers me the most. I don't think I could ever look at her the same if she did this. It just means to me that she didn't love me enough to stay loyal to me. I think she's making a big mistake and she'll realize it in a few weeks, and by then I don't know if it'll be too late. She won't, but you'll never know that for a concrete fact, so believe what you want to believe. quote:I know what I should do, but I dread picking up the phone and ending it after this long. I just want to see if she can come down one last time and we can work through this. You won't. If you call her and she comes down and you "work through this," I assure you that the chances of this exact same string of events (her being in Boston, you being in New York, her meeting this new guy, feeling guilty, calling you with some bullshit rationalization to ease away her guilt while letting her date this other guy, you feeling distraught and depressed) are over 100%. LDRs almost never, ever work and this one is doomed. Cherish what you had with her, but accept that it's time to move on. poo poo happens, unfortunately.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:29 |
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Relationship over. Move on. Am I being overly pessimistic? No. I've been in been in a similer situation. You don't want something, she does, and while normally compromise is the cornerstone of any functioning relationship, sexual boundries are EXTREMELY important. Never ever sacrifice sexual comfort for anyone, no matter how close they are. It will only lead to horrible things. Leave her and move on to someone who wont hope on the first Bostonian cock she sees when the going gets tough.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:31 |
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Electric Victorian posted:Leave her and move on to someone who wont hope on the first Bostonian cock she sees when the going gets tough. Why didn't you just call her a stinkyhole? Just because someone finds someone else doesn't make them necessarily a bad person. Resenting that person just makes it harder on you. OP, the key to any and all relationships is communication, communication, and more communication.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:36 |
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Like with Jerms, this isn't the first time the issue has come up. It came up once, and we got through it. Now it's happening on a somewhat more extreme scale. I guess the only thing left to do is call and see if there's any other options, and if not, say goodbye.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:38 |
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Wojtek posted:Why didn't you just call her a stinkyhole? Just because someone finds someone else doesn't make them necessarily a bad person. Resenting that person just makes it harder on you. I've been open to communication. We've been talking about this for over a week now. I thought on Wednesday, when we both agreed there was an issue and she said she's willing to wait and stick it out for me, we'd be able to slowly get through this. She went out and kissed Josh, and now we're back at square one and she's saying this is what she wants now.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:40 |
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Cow Bell posted:Like with Jerms, this isn't the first time the issue has come up. It came up once, and we got through it. Now it's happening on a somewhat more extreme scale. I guess the only thing left to do is call and see if there's any other options, and if not, say goodbye. If the real reason is the distance thing, that is something that can be fixed. Are there other problems in the relationship? If it's not just the distance thing, it's something else, and then the distance thing just makes it easier for that other person.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:40 |
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Cow Bell posted:I've been open to communication. We've been talking about this for over a week now. I thought on Wednesday, when we both agreed there was an issue and she said she's willing to wait and stick it out for me, we'd be able to slowly get through this. She went out and kissed Josh, and now we're back at square one and she's saying this is what she wants now. Seems more like she couldn't handle the conversation of saying that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and you talked her into staying with you. That's just my personal opinion. You're better off telling her that you can't wait for her to decide if other guys are better. No one should have to do that.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:42 |
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Wojtek posted:If the real reason is the distance thing, that is something that can be fixed. Are there other problems in the relationship? I don't know. She's telling me it's the distance. I think a part of it is she's afraid I'm going to leave her, and is determined to make sure she's got someone before I do. Over the past year she's seen her dad move away, her mother and step-dad divorce and her step-dad leaving, and her grandfather leaving. I think she has some issues with abandonment. That's probably why I'm so stuck on trying to find a way around this rather then severing. I appreciate all the advice, and I know people say LDRs never work, but it's only going to be an LDR for a few months more when I can finally get closer to her.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:43 |
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Cow Bell posted:I appreciate all the advice, and I know people say LDRs never work, but it's only going to be an LDR for a few months more when I can finally get closer to her. Sounds like you're in denial. You need to do either of the following 1) move there now, like within the next week* or 2) end things so both of you can move on. I highly recommend the guide on getting dumped and taking it like a champ. *permitting she actually still wants to be with you
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:45 |
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Cow Bell posted:I appreciate all the advice, and I know people say LDRs never work, but it's only going to be an LDR for a few months more when I can finally get closer to her. Not to hijack the thread, but my relationship was about 5 months away from becoming non-long distance at the point when I cheated. It sucks about her abandonment issues, and I can't comment on that because my own personal reasons had to do more with simply giving up. Sometimes logic just doesn't enter into it :-(
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:46 |
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Six months is a really long time to be in a relationship that she already checked out of a long time ago.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:50 |
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Cow Bell posted:I appreciate all the advice, and I know people say LDRs never work, but it's only going to be an LDR for a few months more when I can finally get closer to her. Tell her this. Remind her. Because when you're having problems right now, a few months can look like an eternity. poo poo, I've been in an LDR for over a year now and I'm not handling it all that well myself. When you hit one of those "I just need a goddamn hug" moments and the person you want the hug from is way out of range, it completely screws everything else. If I were doing this while in college ten years ago this relationship wouldn't have a chance, few months or no.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:50 |
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Cow Bell posted:I appreciate all the advice, and I know people say LDRs never work, but it's only going to be an LDR for a few months more when I can finally get closer to her. Don't do this to yourself. Cut the poo poo while it's only the circumstances loving you and not you yourself. It's only a few months, sure. And how many parties/dates/etc. do you think there will be that will find her and Josh together? And how many do you think can pass before she finds herself in a relationship with him (or maybe someone else) and suddenly you are outside the picture?
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:54 |
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spitcloth posted:Tell her this. Remind her. Because when you're having problems right now, a few months can look like an eternity. poo poo, I've been in an LDR for over a year now and I'm not handling it all that well myself. When you hit one of those "I just need a goddamn hug" moments and the person you want the hug from is way out of range, it completely screws everything else. If I were doing this while in college ten years ago this relationship wouldn't have a chance, few months or no. I have. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can hang on for that much longer. The only other thing I can think of is trying to drive/take the train up there as soon as I can on Fridays or whatever, and then leaving late on Sunday nights.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:54 |
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Corn Thongs posted:Six months is a really long time to be in a relationship that she already checked out of a long time ago. I would say this sounds pretty accurate. LDR's are hard, very hard. They're made even tougher when you're forced to question the other person's fidelty and trust. Nothing is more infuriated than feeling your putting me effort into a relationship than than you are getting love and security out of it. Have a serious talk with her. No bullshit. But don't be surprised if the relationship comes to a natural end. Wojtek posted:Sounds like you're in denial. This is excellent advice.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:55 |
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Yeaaaaaah, this is actually pretty lovely of her. She wants to go bang other dudes and decide if you're really the one she wants to come back to, but I guarantee if you tried to use this time to go be "non-exclusive" with some other girl, she would flip her loving wig! She's like a dog with a bone! She doesn't really want you right now- actually she wants other people, like this Josh character- but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. So she tells you this so she gets to see other guys, and gets to keep you on the line, as well. I have seen manipulative girls try to pull this before, and I've seen some suckers fall for it and twiddle their thumbs while their "girlfriend" gets plowed by everyone in the county. They always hope she'll realize she loves them and come back.. this never happens. Not cool. Relationship over. Sever. Move on. All of that good stuff.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:55 |
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Cow Bell posted:I have. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can hang on for that much longer. The only other thing I can think of is trying to drive/take the train up there as soon as I can on Fridays or whatever, and then leaving late on Sunday nights. Dude, is this feasible? Can you pull it off without too much financial/scheduling hardship? Because if you can, and if she reacts favorably to the suggestion, it might be worth a shot. If it's a stretch then maybe offering to do this every other weekend would be a compromise? When you're alone physically it just feels like being alone; if she has something more immediate to look forward to, and if you know how to make and keep a promise to the letter, and if you really love this girl... well. Can't hurt. e: Just because if I had nuts I would give my left one for my boyfriend to be able to do this for me. I recently got hit out of the blue with, "Oh, I'm stuck in another hemisphere for an unexpected additional month at the last moment," and it was like getting kicked in the chest. Sometimes you just want to be with someone who wants to hold you for a few minutes and it takes over everything else. Yes, I'm a moron. spitcloth fucked around with this message at Nov 07, 2009 around 01:03 |
| # ? Nov 07, 2009 00:58 |
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spitcloth posted:Dude, is this feasible? Can you pull it off without too much financial/scheduling hardship? Because if you can, and if she reacts favorably to the suggestion, it might be worth a shot. If it's a stretch then maybe offering to do this every other weekend would be a compromise? When you're alone physically it just feels like being alone; if she has something more immediate to look forward to, and if you know how to make and keep a promise to the letter, and if you really love this girl... well. Can't hurt. It'd be expensive but doable, and it'd suck on Monday's, but it may be feasible. I hadn't really thought of it until just now. It'd mean a round-trip train ticket of 70-100 bucks a week or however much in gas to get there in back. I'd imagine I wouldn't get back home until 2-4 in the morning on Monday's, but I don't know. It's an option.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:00 |
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Cow Bell posted:I have. She keeps saying she doesn't know if she can hang on for that much longer. Holy poo poo. If she wanted to be with you and she knew you were making every effort to fix things, she'd hang on for as long as it took (or at least wouldn't tell you she "can't hang on much longer"). If things are as you're presenting them, this is a pretty textbook case of her wanting out, not knowing how to tell you and trying to make it as painless as she can.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:02 |
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Cow Bell posted:It'd be expensive but doable, and it'd suck on Monday's, but it may be feasible. I hadn't really thought of it until just now. It'd mean a round-trip train ticket of 70-100 bucks a week or however much in gas to get there in back. I'd imagine I wouldn't get back home until 2-4 in the morning on Monday's, but I don't know. It's an option. So basically, no, not only is it NOT really feasible, but let us not forget that she has already checked out of your relationship and wants to try out being with ol' Josh now. So doing this is going to be an enormous waste of money and energy for you, all for her to give you the "Thanks, but no thanks" and keep on seeing this other guy, anyway. You will be tired, sad, and out about $100 bucks. She will still be kissing Josh. If she wasn't pretty sure she wanted to give him a go, she wouldn't have told you all this. I'm a girl, I know these things.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:05 |
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Keep in mind OP that even if you do manage to make it over there it still may not be enough. I had a sort-of similar situation before when I was younger. Dated a girl long distance for a bit before I finally started going up there. I'd usually leave about 6am and not get there til late afternoon and then leave early again the next day to get home. The last time I get up there she spent the entire time chatting away on her PC to some girl in another country while I ended up having to look after the cat. Two morals of the story for this one. 1) Make sure you really know that going up there is going to make things all right or else you may just be wasting your time. 2) Make sure you get some pussy like me 
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:05 |
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I say end the relationship and maybe try again later.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:06 |
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Cow Bell posted:It'd be expensive but doable, and it'd suck on Monday's, but it may be feasible. I hadn't really thought of it until just now. It'd mean a round-trip train ticket of 70-100 bucks a week or however much in gas to get there in back. I'd imagine I wouldn't get back home until 2-4 in the morning on Monday's, but I don't know. It's an option. So the girl that you love isn't worth at worst a few thousand dollars and not sleeping well for a few months? What the gently caress do you mean "it's an option?" If someone were to say "I will give you $3,000 if you break up with your girlfriend," would you do it?
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:07 |
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Wojtek posted:So the girl that you love isn't worth at worst a few thousand dollars and not sleeping well for a few months? What the gently caress do you mean "it's an option?" Right now I don't know if I have the money to do it or if I have the means to continue doing it every week. That's what I mean by "it's an option". If she's willing to do it, I'll do my damned best to make it happen. It wasn't something I'd actually thought of until just this moment.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:09 |
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Wojtek posted:So the girl that you love isn't worth at worst a few thousand dollars and not sleeping well for a few months? What the gently caress do you mean "it's an option?" The girl that he loves doesn't want to be with him right now, though, even if he does spend every free moment and all his free cash coming to see her.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:09 |
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sinistrality posted:The girl that he loves doesn't want to be with him right now, though, even if he does spend every free moment and all his free cash coming to see her. That's why I added that caveat in my previous posts. There's no use even thinking about this if she's already checked out of the relationship (we aren't sure because OP obviously doesn't have the communication that he thought he did. Hint: what they say isn't always what they mean.)
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:11 |
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Wojtek posted:That's why I added that caveat in my previous posts. There's no use even thinking about this if she's already checked out of the relationship (we aren't sure because OP obviously doesn't have the communication that he thought he did. Hint: what they say isn't always what they mean.) She's already kissing another dude, so I'd say that is a bad sign. But, honestly, after two years of being with someone, I wouldn't really blame him and think he was a total loser for giving it a try. I'm sad for him, it's a bum deal. 
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:16 |
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This is your chance to do every sexual act with her that you were too afraid to do before, as it might "ruin" your relationship. Get a threesome going with a female friend she has, hit that rear end of hers (which you probably haven't done yet), and any other poo poo you might be into.
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| # ? Nov 07, 2009 01:20 |
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