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I just got back home from Portland, OR after celebrating my kid brother's 21st birthday on Sunday night. We were planning on getting him pretty shitfaced no matter what. He's always been a bit on the strange side and I wasn't terribly surprised to see his outfit for this momentous occasion: That Andy. Always a kidder. Anyway, we hit up a couple bars, got him some drinks, decided to end the night at one of my favorite bars in NWPDX, Blue Moon. We all ordered some burgers, hoping to keep the party going with a little something in the birthday boy's belly. The burgers arrived and andy was about halfway through it when someone bought him a rocket fuel. After blowing out the flame and sending half the drink spraying out of the glass, he took the shot. Within about 3 seconds, his face went from drunken exuberance to solemn regret. I asked him how he was feeling. He said nothing. I suggested he go to the bathroom and take care of business. "I think that's a good idea." he said. So he gets up and weaves his way into the shitters. He comes out less than five minutes later and tells us very seriously "I threw up a LOT." He has a dime-size piece of vomit on his shirt. He flicks it off and starts back in on his burger. As he's doing that, the bartender appears and asks "Are you even going to ATTEMPT to clean that up, or should I just add a bunch of money to your tab?" I guess I was just counting on Andy to puke in the toilet like a grownup and flush it away. I asked the bartender what he did. "He puked in the urinal, all over the floor and into the sink." Awesome. It stands to reason he would decide to be cute and pull some poo poo like that. Everyone yells at him and tells him to go clean up his mess. He gets up again and re-weaves his way back to the shitter to do exactly that. We aren't even done rolling our eyes when the bartender comes back again. Bartender: "You guys need to get that kid under control. He's eating the vomit out of the urinal." Everyone else: "What. The. gently caress." I go in to see what the hell and my eyes practically tear up from the acidic stench. He's actually picking chunks of hamburger out of the urinal and eating them, singing a nonsense song about how good hamburger is. I proceed to flip out and square him away. After about 15 minutes of supervision and having to lock him back on to his task every 30 seconds, we are done. We exit the bathroom and I make my way over to the bartender to apologize profusely. I'm halfway through the first word when he says "Please just go. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen." And so we went. I've told this story to several of my buddies and the reaction has been pretty universal. I figured if anyone could top this story, it would be GBS, so if you've got something on par with what I just experienced, let's have it.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 17:53 |
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| # ? Feb 09, 2010 18:34 |
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Andy must be really glad you decided to share this with Something Awful.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 17:57 |
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There was a guy in my local bar semi-passed out with his head in the urinal licking it. This is not the finest of establishments, either.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 17:57 |
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Goddamn that's a hilarious, disgusting story. Buy your brother a forum account, he belongs here.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 17:58 |
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You weren't kidding around with that thread title, were you.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:00 |
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slowdave posted:Andy must be really glad you decided to share this with Something Awful. Something tells me Andy doesn't get fazed by much, bud.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:01 |
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Do you really want to admit that you're related to this kid?
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:01 |
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Those *are* real cakes in the Urinal aren't they? They look so delicious they just have to be.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:02 |
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I threw up all over this guy's house I barely knew.. but I came back with Resolve and a 30-pack of beer for the dude whose house it was. All of us are now banned from his house.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:03 |
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Zeph posted:Goddamn that's a hilarious, disgusting story. Buy your brother a forum account, he belongs here. Oddly enough this is the first thing I thought, too. Goonspeed, good sir! 
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:04 |
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thats a cool story bro, your friend sounds awesome
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:05 |
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A buddy of mine puked up a handful of buttons at a party. He never lived that one down.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:05 |
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I really wanted to throw up the last time I had a burger and beer at a McMenamins too.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:06 |
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This is really an amazing story, in many disgusting ways.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:09 |
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I think somebody has seen that Hoff video one time too many.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:11 |
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I grabbed my (unattractive) friend's junk while he was having a conversation with someone. oh, Jäger, I wish I knew how to quit you.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:14 |
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Rocketfish posted:A buddy of mine puked up a handful of buttons at a party. He never lived that one down. What. The. gently caress. It seems like something Charlie would do on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"...
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:15 |
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One time I woke up at three because I passed out at seven and then I pissed all of the bowls on the coffee table full.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:17 |
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MartinHeidegger posted:What. The. gently caress. It seems like something Charlie would do on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"...
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:20 |
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Does the button barfer have a nickname now?
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:23 |
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He doesn't give a poo poo, he thinks it's hilarious. I'm planning on linking him to this thread a little later today.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:23 |
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Thank you Andy. You made any of my drunken exploits feel a lot lighter on my shoulders.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:29 |
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Back in the days before toilet attendants my pal comes over to me and says we need to get the gently caress out of the club we were in and with friends like mine when you hear something like that you just do it. Once we're out of there he tells me that he was feeling sick so he heads to the bogs, the thing is by the time he gets there it's right at the back of his throat so he goes to the closest stall, kick the door in and loving pukes heavily in the general direction of the bowl. Now you've probably guessed that there was someone taking a poo poo already but the best part comes from what he did next. Being a bit worse for wear from drink his first instinct is to punch this guy square in the face and run away. Why? Because when you're making GBS threads and a guy throws up in your lap the first thing you want to do is have a fight, right? He still feels bad about what he did to the day, but it still didn't stop him from hitting ANOTHER lad in ANOTHER toilet. Luckily that time there was no making GBS threads involved so he wanders over to me on the dance floor with a huge grin on his face and asks me to guess what he just did. As he does this I see several massive bouncers charging into the toilets and survival instincts kick in and I take off my shirt. The trouble was my friend was blissfully unaware that he stood out like a sore thumb wearing a bright pink and white Hawaiian shirt with his cornrows(Dude's white, by the way) So I know that not only is the lad he just chinned in the bogs going to be able to spot him from a mile off but so are the bouncers if this lad gives them even a vague description of him. So my shirt goes over his and I wrestle him to the fire exit past bouncers chattering furiously on their radios and manage to get him to another club on the other side of town. There's been hundreds of horrible drunken experiences but I don't think they're classed as exploits. Just general disgusting drunken behaviour.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:33 |
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Wanna meet that brother
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:37 |
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Nothing is going to top the first story, but my friend (also named Andy, actually) made me worry for his drunken safety a few times. Once, he saw someone in a suit give him a "look" and somehow that made him honestly believe that the Mafia were after him. He ran from the bar, ended up on a construction site about a mile away which he scaled the fence and went through to escape the mobsters, and eventually found himself at the Hilton hotel, Manchester which is a pretty classy and expensive place. Entering the lobby at about 1am in muddy, torn jeans and a T-shirt, he asks them for a free room for the night because people are after him. Apparently there's more but his memory got fuzzy after the hotel threw him out.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:37 |
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That story reminds me of a video I saw back in the early days of the internet with some pissed guy drinking a pint, spewing into the pint and drinking it again. He KNEW it was sick because he was playing with it as he did it. But that's nowhere near as classy as eating it out of a urinal.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:39 |
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This thread has made me retch more than anything I have read on the internet. Good job, goons. edit: spelling Luminous Cow fucked around with this message at Nov 10, 2009 around 18:57 |
| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:43 |
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Blacking out is such a genuinely disturbing experience. Every single time it happens something awful happened the night before. The worst was when I woke up covered in blood, my clothes with big ragged tears in them, and a gigantic cut on my hand. The night before was the Newark Portuguese fest. What this meant was for five dollars you were given a quart of sangria. Before heading in we split a bottle of vodka between ourselves. Pretty much half of Newark NJ blacked out together, resulting in a massive near-riot. What happened was one of my friends was being arrested (they were doing mass zip tie cuffs and just hoarding people into trucks) and I decided to go into commando mode to save him. I apparently threw a chair at a window, tossed a bottle at a cop, then sprinted faster than humanly possible, diving over a barbed wire fence, dragging my friend behind me. My friends pulled me off the fence, jumped in the car, and booked rear end out of there. The only time I've ever had something positive happen blacked out was when I was apparently so entertaining to the cops who found me walking around that they took me out for food, called my parents (I had just turned 21), discussed how polite of a person I was for 10 minutes, then took a picture with me. *edit And your friend spraying half the bar with his drink reminds me of when on my friends 21st birthday this guy no one knew bought him shot after shot of sambuca. It was at a TGIF's and he projectile vomited across three tables of families. Rock Strongo fucked around with this message at Nov 10, 2009 around 18:47 |
| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:44 |
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My friend tried to poo poo through a chain-link fence when pissed out of his mind. In his own words, he told me he was a "making GBS threads expert" and that he could "thread a loaf through the gap in the fence". It didn't work out so well. When we finally got him back home, his girlfriend asked us what happened, since he loving reeked. We told her that he'd puked all over himself. I'm not sure how she believed us since the poo poo was all over his BACK, but somehow she did. They broke up a few weeks later.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:45 |
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I am eating a meatball sandwich while typing this. Thanks. On my 21st bday I did way too many shots, chowed some pizza bread, then proceded to barf all over the cars in the lot outside my apartment. It was 10 degrees. Orange puke frozen for all to see until April in MN.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:46 |
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Similar theme to the OP: My friend Tom threw up in his bath after a night of heavy boozing and eating take-away junk. The next day, as he was scooping the chunks of vomit from his bath, into the toilet, he came across a large chunk of burger. Looked good to him - like fresh burger, he said - so he decided to take a bite. It didn't taste like burger, though; it tasted of bile. So Tom spat it out in disgust. What possessed him to try his own sicked-up burger a full 12 hours later, I don't even want to know. Even more bizarre is that he actually told people about it. The man has no shame.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:50 |
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Note to self: never go out to dinner with Andy.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:51 |
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Zero Star posted:"thread a loaf through the gap in the fence". I'm making it my goal to work this phrase into a conversation today.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:52 |
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I adore the drunk logic behind these things. "I am being chased by the mafia, ergo I will run into a construction site" or "I ate this hamburger only minutes ago, now I will eat it again." or the very idea of a "making GBS threads expert" That one reminded me of a time that my drunk friend swore it was impossible to poo poo while doing jumping jacks. Video exists proving that this is not the case.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:53 |
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Luminous Cow posted:This thread has made me wretch more than anything I have read on the internet. Good job, goons. Seconding this. Also I just have to know, was he wearing his little headset thing throughout all this?
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:55 |
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OP that is literally the worst thing I've ever read. Me and my housemate are both on mild anti-depressants and shouldn't drink. She does, and she turns from shy farm girl into some terrifying succubus. One of the guys she slept with is terrified of her now and hasn't spoken to her since the act. She doesn't remember the details but I heard the screaming three dorms away.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 18:57 |
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"Throw me some beads, you loving stinkyhole!" I yelled this at a random woman on a float at a Mardi Gras parade, while a child sat on his father's shoulders about two feet away. Then I went home and slept for 24 hours, and forgot to tell any of my friends where I went.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 19:01 |
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I knew I had a story for this thread, though it isn't near as disturbing as some examples. My friend had a going away party at some bar, and a few of us decided to get absolutely plowed. On the way home, my drunken friend and I convinced the DD to stop at Waffle House. Two chocolate chip pancakes, some grits, and some hashbrowns later, we're heading home. He parks, we get out of the car, and I projectile vomit straight down between my legs. The next morning, as I was going to get my shoes, I noticed there were chunks of chocolate chips wrapped around the laces of my shoes. Think about that for a second. I vomited so hard, the chips wrapped around the laces. I'm actually grossing myself out remembering this.
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| # ? Nov 10, 2009 19:02 |
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I blacked out for a bit, somehow woke up next to a decently attractive blonde girl and then we had some morning sex. hurr hurr right goons? Another goon bragging about his sexual exploits, right? Not quite. We didn't use a condom when we were hammered (she remembered this when I asked for a condom for a round 2 I could actually remember) so we didn't use a condom when I was lucid, either. Guess who had pus coming from his penis and had to take 2 rounds of antibiotics because the first batch didn't clear it up the first time? THIS GUY! Ahhh chlamydia. Tumble fucked around with this message at Nov 10, 2009 around 19:10 |
| # ? Nov 10, 2009 19:07 |
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One night I was at the university bar. I was 19, obnoxious as gently caress and being a genuine gently caress stain the whole night no doubt. There is an American, pretty sure he was a Texan, student at the bar talking poo poo saying he is some god at drinking so of course I start doing shots of tequila and drinking jugs of beer with him, his shout so I wasn't complaining. An hr or so later and he has left and I am still drinking with friend, by this point the night is in full swing, one of those nights when you have to force your way through the crowd. My friends and some friends of friends scored a pretty good table near the bar that could accomodate everyone. I just sit there feel like poo poo, and then vommit into a crowd of people, not just a bit, but projectile monty python vommit. One of the bouncers (that I am on good terms with) helps me down stairs, I sleep in the gardern in the food court for a bit, then a friend drives me home with a black garbage bag over my head. The worst part is my mum, who is about a foot and a half shorter than me, dragging me into bed, which I then shat. I am pretty sure my mum knows I shat my bed that night, but I had the decency to clean the sheets. edit- The next week I go to the same bar, the chick on the bar gives me a free drink because she had never seen a barf as gnarly as the one I did the week prior. edit #2- I didn't have a hang over! Big Willy Style fucked around with this message at Nov 10, 2009 around 19:11 |
| # ? Nov 10, 2009 19:07 |
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