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Major Failure
May 31, 2003

I'm in your loft, checking out your ghostbusters.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE ALL THE FIGHTS AND NONE OF THE NONSENSE, GET YE TO THE WEBSITE

or click HERE to read just my godlike utterances, and not a whisper otherwise.

I done got interviewed by a websight

Another very cool article here

COME ARGUE ABOUT FIGHTING ANIMALS ON IRC

Bassetking posted:

I've spoken to gamesurge, and they are denying our attempt at channel registration due to the association with the illegal activity of cruelty to animals, so it looks like Synirc is our best bet. It can be joined through irc.synirc.net, and then /join #Zoofights



Ladies and gentlemen, it's the beginning of May, and that means it's time for SA's very own Colosseum to get into gear. Mix up a bucket of rat's milk and paint thinner, and get yourself ready for a truly grizzly start to the summer. Tonight is the start of a festival of bloodsports that will see more than 20 artists bring you rivets, railguns and sucker punches until there's no fighting left to be done.

That's right, Sports Fans - it's time for Zoofights V.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afoMqvIWa5E

(If you haven't seen this before, it's basically a big thing where we make up some monsters and draw them fighting based on the outcomes of arguments about which one would/should win in a fight)

Brand new Zoofights Website ITS GOT TWITER

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Story

This is a tough time to have a zoofight. Things have changed since our golden era of space stations and champagne. Most significantly, human civilisation has been decimated in an atomic war, sparked by an attempt to give squid access to the internet. It was kind of our fault.

Or rather, we should have said something about it.

You may remember from crude paintings daubed on the walls of your caves and tin shacks that our last tournament featured a competitor from the nightmare squid/war future described above. If your tumour-riddled ancestors were particularly good with a clay-daubed thighbone, you may have been able to distinguish it attacking a space station from Jupiter's atmosphere, while being savaged by a giant moth that thought it was God.



If not, I suggest you read the website. All will become clear.

In any case, the squid got beat, and that's why there are now two suns in the sky. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing was done to avert the advent of the Seanet project, and so a few decades after the tournament, the whole drat thing happened anyway. Some squid got hooked up with VoIP, the ocean gained sentience, and a whole lot of nukes got launched. You know the rest.

Luckily, our guys knew what was up. They called round the international elite and started selling places in our state of the art, futureproof cryo-bunker. When the mushroom clouds started blooming, we finished our brandies and settled down for centuries of comfortable sleep under a mile of rock and lead.

Now that our monitors have assessed the remnants of humanity to be capable of attending an unparalleled spectacle of violence and chance, we are back in business! The aim of the game is the same as it ever was: beef up 16 animals into relentless monsters, then make them fight and bet on it.

I'm afraid to say that not everything has gone to plan, however. The fuses on the coolant pump for sector G went down about 70 years back, and we lost Castro, the Belgian aristocracy and 70 tons of foie gras overnight. On the bright side, Fidel's torporgic humidor made it through just fine, so we're cool for cigars.



To be fair though, unless you're reading this from an LCD screen implanted in the back of a prostitute while sipping complementary champagne in the Cryolounge, cigars and foie gras won't be on your agenda for the next three weeks.

Instead, you can enjoy a wide selection of sawdust pastries, carrion chunks or scavenged human flesh from any one of our concession scaffolds. Bring a blade, though, because we'll be throwing it from a gantry in burlap sacks, with strict orders to gun down anyone who makes a move towards the security cordon. Things could get rowdy.



Nevertheless, there are fine drinks for all at our legendary bar, and the hot drugs stand will continue its timeless tradition of handing out piping hot psychedelics for all and sundry.

So come one, come all, park your rusty dune buggies, and take part in the spectacle of this year's Zoofights. The first round's on us.

How it works



Each year, the Zoofights army sweats blood and whiskey to bring you visions of savage arena combat, fought between souped-up bruisers from every corner of the animal kingdom.

It is the resource to end all "which would win" conversations: a quest to pit endless theoretical monsters against each other under the cold eye of a voting crowd.

This year's event, Zoofights V, will be brought to you by a legion of artists from across the world, each possessing their own teeth and limbs. In this thread and on the site listed above, you'll be able to check out the fighters as they are announced, vote on the outcomes of their duels, and then watch the action unfold in sickening technicolour.

16 monsters will enter, and only one will be crowned king of beasts, chosen by the support of the baying mob.

Voting



Shortly, you will be presented with the first of eight matchups for Round One. These matchups were chosen randomly by goons during the AMINAL WARZ thread a month ago.

The outcome of the fight will be decided by your arguments, your conviction and your anger. Make clear which contender you think will win the brawl, and if possible shout down and rubbish anyone who disagrees with you.

Generally, there will be 48 hours between the announcement of a fight and the fight itself, to allow time for it to be drawn, coloured and possibly animated. In that time, we will monitor the strength of arguments here and on the website via a scoring system, and then feed that into a random number generator to get a result.

Basically, one word votes don't count, and every word said in support of an underdog increases the chances of a surprise victory against the odds.

How does the tournament work?



See the website for how ZF4 worked - basically, there are 8 fights in round one, which produce 8 winners and 8 Loser's League contenders.

In round two, the winners square off in four round two bouts, and the LL fighters have their own four fights.

In round three, the four contenders that have won both of their fights go head to head in two semi-finals, while the four winners of the Loser's League fight the defeated opponents of the semi-finalists in a terrifying Royal Rumble.

The winners of the semi-finals then fight, with the winner going on to face the winner of the Royal Rumble for the tournament trophy.

Roleplaying



Since Zoofights is all about participation, it's fun to post as some kind of dude from the tournament's setting (in this case, ARMAGEDDON), and argue as they would. However, things get awkward and a bit off-topic when people start using it to launch their own crossover fanfiction monsterpieces, so just try and stay within the theme.

Doctor who and stuff is cool b/c it's like a running joke, as is Gezora. Just because. Keep any in-post avatars to the same size as a normal forums avatar (less than 150x150), and feel free to challenge other posters to fights - who knows, we might even draw them.

ROUGH FAQ PATCHED TOGETHER FROM THREAD ANNOUNCEMENTS

----------------
A NOTE ON VOTES
----------------

From now until the end of the tournament, for votes to count, they must be posted in the format ##Contendername. This way, I won't get into the embarassing situation of totally losing count of the votes, since the citadel's oppression monitors fun beacons will pick them up efficiently.

No matter how well-written non-formatted votes are, they won't come up in my search. THIS IS THE TRAGEDY OF DEMOCRACY IN A WORLD OF MACHINES.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOWEVER, votes with diagrams or graphs or pictures will get 5 rather than 1 point, and possibly even more if they are super awesome
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the same note, can some brave soul give me an accurate vote count up to this post in the thread? I have 2 different tallies at the moment, and I want to have the numbers right. If you could, confidentially email me the result at zoofights4@gmail.com, and justice will reign once more.

--------------------------------------
THE WAIT OF THE WORLD ON UR SHOULDERS
--------------------------------------

To avoid disappointment, Zoofights sternly but gently reminds you that this tournament will see 48 hours in between fights being announced and taking place.

On the other hand, the fights will be twice as long, hopefully in full colour, and more things may crop up to amuse you in between bouts.

It will also mean no week-long gap in between the rounds, so it will all balance out in the end.

If you're impatient, go start a riot or swap drinks recipes or talk about ratios, or whatever else it is you've been doing to eke out the years in your fallout shelters.

------------------------
KEEPING TRACK OF THINGS
------------------------

This thread is getting big fast, so don't forget that THE MIGHTY WEBSITE will be updated in near-realtime to get you up to date on the latest developments in an instant.

For the sake of those reading the thread, please try and keep character pictures from cropping up too often - maybe just on your vote posts or when you have a visual point to make.

Less pictures means it's a lot easier to load and scroll down the page, and will make things a lot more readable. That said, there is some completely hilarious in-character smack talk and commentary flying about, so I'm not going to be a giant dick about anything.

Also, art relating to the competitors is totally welcome at any point, needless to say. As are new artists - sign up at the email address above if you want to get in on the action.

Major Failure fucked around with this message at May 20, 2010 around 21:02

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DeadEyes
May 30, 2007



what

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

HogX
Aug 16, 2008



A Gorillian dollars is my new favorite thing ever.

Hang on Sloopy
Dec 15, 2006


friendship is magic
in a pony paradise
don't you judge me




This is my second year in the Bioengineering crew for the fights. The wandering lifestyle of a cannibal horde lonely vagabond made me change my name--last year I was Monkeys With Guns.

If any of the old Loser's League crew wants to contact me and tell me your ideas, kindly do it.

Hang on Sloopy fucked around with this message at May 2, 2010 around 02:25

Haschel Cedricson
Jan 4, 2006

Brinkmanship




Oh boy! Zoofights are awesome! I want to see a bird fight a fish!

Spoonsy
Dec 6, 2005

Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.


Hang on Sloopy posted:



This is my second year in the Bioengineering crew for the fights. The wandering lifestyle of a cannibal horde lonely vagabond made me change my name--last year I was Monkeys With Guns.

If any of the old Loser's League crew wants to contact me and tell me your ideas, kindly do it.

Welcome back. Let's make some animals do horrible, horrible things to one another.

Space T Rex
Sep 15, 2007

Your title was so old it used HTML which isn't even allowed in titles anymore what the hell


That intro video was badass. I love you.

e: also a Gorillian dollars and "you may have been able to distinguish it attacking a space station from Jupiter's atmosphere, while being savaged by a giant moth that thought it was God". Zoofights man, zoofights.

Space T Rex fucked around with this message at May 2, 2010 around 02:19

HogX
Aug 16, 2008



Spoonsy posted:

Welcome back. Let's make some animals do horrible, horrible things to one another.

I'm sorry but clearly a robotic Unicorn is superior to any 'fleshy' animal.

Spoonsy
Dec 6, 2005

Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.


Bash Ironfist posted:

I'm sorry but clearly a robotic Unicorn is superior to any 'fleshy' animal.

HARMONY HARMONY OOOOHH LORD

you will fail

CuddleChunks
Sep 18, 2004



I'm eagerly awaiting another round of animalistic bloodsports.

Posting from my only slightly radioactive Goon Fortress on the edge of the scenic Swamps of Serious Shittiness outside the Dustbowl.

Anthrovore
Oct 12, 2009

EAT ROTTEN FRUIT FROM A SHITTY TREE


This rules. You guys rule.

Will this be viewable on a pipboy?

tecnocrat
Oct 5, 2003
Struggling to keep his sanity.




It appears my timing circuits have been damaged over the years. I do not know what year this is, only that I thirst for violence. I'm glad to see that there is an outlet for my more biological urges.

Cornwind Evil
Dec 14, 2004




Oh my. This period of history. What an appropriate time to hold this annual...event.

Did you give an alligator tentacles? You gave an alligator tentacles, didn't you. This is already looking to end poorly. Again. But I shall participate regardless, if only for the small chance to steer things down a route that does not threaten large areas with destruction.

Plus I am interested in seeing this alligator with tentacles.

Cornwind Evil fucked around with this message at Jun 28, 2010 around 08:23

Shebrew
Jul 12, 2006

Is it a party?

Superb opening! Can't wait for the first match up

Gomegoth
Oct 8, 2009




Well naw, dis is lookin like to be crazier n' a run-over radroach! Take yer time now, while wez lay up and git nice n' lickered.

toppro
Jun 19, 2006




In honor of the family business back home I'd like to offer everybody a round of my favorite drink.
"Southern Death Cult"

2 oz Jack Daniel's® Tennessee whiskey
2 oz Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
2 oz Wild Turkey® bourbon whiskey
3 oz Coca-Cola®
3 oz 7-Up® soda

I reserve the right to replace any/all of the ingredients above that I can't find with bathtub gin and/or mutated possum's blood.

Bananachin
May 1, 2010


Awesome. Excellent intro video.

Jack Anderson
Jan 8, 2008





AH, EXCELLENT! THE OLD TALES OF MUTATED CYBERNETIC ANIMALS FIGHTING TO THE DEATH WERE TRUE! I WILL REST MY RUSTY JOINTS AND OBSERVE FOR A WHILE...

John Liver
May 4, 2009



Let's get this started.



Line up those monsters and I'll give ya my best bet. Warnin' you though - I tend to bet right more often than usual.

Diet Poison
Jan 20, 2008
Hooch is crazy.

I live for this.

Think I'll try one of those Southern Death Cults, too. This party's just getting started.

Iamyourking
Oct 26, 2007

Only courage in the face of doubt can lead one to the answer.



I live again! Having been revived from the slumber of centuries and my street urchin inflicted wounds healed I am ready to gamble the fortune that my winning bets last time made me.

Now where's that drat orange, I want to kill him again.

Locus
Feb 28, 2004

But you were dead a thousand times. Hopeless encounters successfully won.



*CRK* SSSSSS Zoo fight? Is that what he said? What the poo poo is going on out here?

Space T Rex
Sep 15, 2007

Your title was so old it used HTML which isn't even allowed in titles anymore what the hell


e: fixed, were good.

Space T Rex fucked around with this message at May 2, 2010 around 02:49

scorpiobean
Dec 22, 2004

I'll have one sugar coma drink, please.

Oh poo poo oh poo poo, I just cannot find a suitable face to put on quite yet, but suffice it to say that as a long-time fan of these fights I shall most certainly be an active spectator to these games!

Edit: As soon as I find my face, I would most certainly love a drink!

Double Edit:

scorpiobean fucked around with this message at May 2, 2010 around 03:01

Major Failure
May 31, 2003

I'm in your loft, checking out your ghostbusters.

Round One, Fight One:

DREADNAUTILUS



fighting the squid menace

While humanity's governments were crippled during the Seanet war, a guerilla resistance still rages against the Squid from strike bases in the deep oceans. Dreadnautilus is the latest product of this struggle, a cyborg drone built to fight tentacles with tentacles, and entered into Zoofights in the hope of winning supplies for the desperate resistance. Bristling with kinetic weaponry and equipped to fight above or below the surface, this juggernaut is limited only by extreme stupidity - a necessary measure to safeguard it from seanet control. Unfortunately, this means a reliance on constant instructions from radio operators on the battlefield.

--------
VERSUS/
--------

BRUT-O5



fighting civil disturbance

The blunt, pitiless ergonomics of Brut05 have inspired envy throughout the pits. A combat-engineered warthog with towering hydraulic hind legs and twin concrete-shattering assault cannons, he is one of the latest batch of riot suppression units commissioned by an increasingly desperate South African government to solve its post-nuclear problems. From the destitute aliens that arrived seeking refuge after betting away their fuel money at Zoofights IV, to the cy-boer war of '79, this mass-produced bastard has seen more problems than an army of Jay-Z clones. His solutions, unsurprisingly, tend to involve a lot of goring, stamping and automatic weapons fire.

Fight location

To get things kicked off, this fight will be a running gun battle through district Z, the huge slum encircling the Zoofights arena compound. Low walls and rusty iron sheds will be commonplace, as, invevitably, will be civilian casualties.

[b]TACTICAL ANALYSIS




Dread's going to have to take cover or get up close if he doesn't want his shell shattered in this fight. His inaccuracy won't be much of a disadvantage, since there aren't many decent lines of sight in the slums, but he is probably going to get slightly confused by the density of the terrain. If it comes to an all-out firefight at close range, his tentacles and automatic weapons will deal a horrendous amount of damage.



Brut-os is going to have to split his attention between his adversary and its controlling radio team in this battle, but will dominate if he gets in a superior firing position. With his tendency to smash things, a lot, he will have to be careful not to brain himself on a hovel or something. Up close, he has an advantage in leverage, and won't hesitate to prove it with crippling kicks and shunts.

---------------------------------------------------------

[b]VOTING BEGINS NOW

John Liver
May 4, 2009





I've kind of had bad experiences with robots in the past, so I'm gonna say the battleship crustacean will win this first matchup. You see, he has more guns, he can float, and he probably has a heatseeking missile in there somewhere. All he needs is a guiding hand.

DREADNAUTILUS

Twigand Berries
Sep 7, 2008
A MY LITTLE PONY AVATAR WAS HERE



All BRUT-O5 has to do is shoot off those antenna! With electronic target finders, it should be a piece of cake.

But what do I know, I'm just a drifter who found a bag of mail.

Mr. Crane
May 16, 2009

The deranged
golem-android is both beautiful and dangerous.




OH poo poo, IS THAT A GIANT ESCARGOT?

I VOTE DREADNAUTILUS, IT IS BACKED BY WRATH OF THE FRENCH EATING ITS BRETHEREN.

Space T Rex
Sep 15, 2007

Your title was so old it used HTML which isn't even allowed in titles anymore what the hell




Victory will be BRUT05's. He has been built with one one purpose in mind: kill stuff that isnt easy to kill. No one would ever say a giant fish with guns stuffed in it is easy to kill; but the fact that it isnt easy to slay is exactly what places it in BRUT05's area of expertise. Dreadnautilus was actually bred to be stupid, bred to suck. The warthog has been built to kick rear end. Two animals in a cage: One built to kill, the other bred to be an idiot. I'm a loving robot. Listen to me. Beep.

Space T Rex fucked around with this message at May 2, 2010 around 16:59

Tom Tucker
Jul 19, 2003

I want to warn you fellers
And tell you one by one
What makes a gallows rope to swing
A woman and a gun


DREADNAUTILUS will surely win. Even devoid of his radio control he retains the fighting instincts of the species from which he was ruthlessly and godlessly rent.

The radio controllers will be able to launch quick and efficient attacks at moving targets, after all they have honed their craft combating Seanet. The hog will likely get some counter-strikes in but unless it cedes the advantage and runs it will take heavy fire under any cover. All that Dreadnautilus needs to do at that point is close in, disable those spindly pivoting systems on the guns with a few tentacles, and the riot suppressor will be helpless.

Anaximander
Mar 1, 2008

ASK ME ABOUT DRINKING EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF WHISKEY AND VOMITING ALL OVER YARBALD'S BATHROOM

Dreadnautalis! A cephalopod is close enough to a crustacean for my vote.

Honorific!
Jul 5, 2007

Well played, Goonsire!




I have been summoned from the depths of the desert to oversee fresh carnage in the form of Zoofights. Though I have traveled for many days through searing winds and blistering heat, this first match-up does not disappoint. Listen to me, my hearty mutant brethren! Fearsome though the warthog may be, he is no match for the dread undersea beast, a distant relative of the fell Seanet. Therefore, I wager my two best raven feathers on the victory of Dreadnautilus!

Jack Anderson
Jan 8, 2008





THE WEAPONS OF MY CYBERNETIC BRETHREN SHALL PEARCE EVEN THE TOUGHEST OF SHELLS. MY VOTE IS FOR BRUT-05.

IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT THE CYBERHOG GOES DOWN THEN I'LL SHARE MY SECRET "KANTO CYBER SAKE" RECIPE TO ALL.

SPEAKING OF DEADLY DRINKS I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE "SOUTHERN DEATH CULTS" I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.

Death Pits of Crap
Nov 6, 2007


Brut-05, with its greater speed and accuracy, will take down Dreadnautilus in a beautifully catastrophic firefight.

Who wants to take bets on the quantity of third-party casualties?

tecnocrat
Oct 5, 2003
Struggling to keep his sanity.




Of course the victor shall be BRUT-05. His attention may be split between two targets, but with both of them being made of soft, pliable flesh, there shall be no challenge.



I wager this large rock I have found. I have many plans to crush other inferior fleshlings with it, but I am so certain of this victory that I place it "up for grabs", as you humans say.

Warm Body
Sep 18, 2007
The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps to tap, at three, on the teeth

yesssssss I've been waiting for this to show up

Voting BRUT-05 because I'm getting tired of sea creatures in these fights.

Paramemetic
Sep 29, 2003

A gift from Coyote! Nothing could possibly go wrong here!




My calculating powers are superior for I was responsible for guiding the secret nuclear arsenal of Liechtenstein in the apocalypse.

I calculate that this will be dominated by the BRUT-O5, whose superior firepower and depleted uranium ammunition will easily puncture the shell of Dreadnautilus. Dreadnautilus will not be able to avoid the automatic targeting systems. Beyond this, the boar's evasive skills will surely allow it to travel quickly through the slums and remain out of reach of the crustacean's tentacles. I am willing to wager one unfired SCUD missile towards this end.

Jack Anderson
Jan 8, 2008



Death Pits of Crap posted:

Brut-05, with its greater speed and accuracy, will take down Dreadnautilus in a beautifully catastrophic firefight.

Who wants to take bets on the quantity of third-party casualties?



1000 NEWYEN ON AROUND 5'326 ORGANIC CASUALTIES.

Iamyourking
Oct 26, 2007

Only courage in the face of doubt can lead one to the answer.



Dreadnautalis has the advantage at close range, and in these tight corridors is sure to be able to leverage that. The operating crew can take cover in the buildings to avoid attention and keep up the directions, and it's only going to take a few shots to the exposed warthog to ended the match.

I wager Wolfbike's severed hand on Dreadnautilus

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Space T Rex
Sep 15, 2007

Your title was so old it used HTML which isn't even allowed in titles anymore what the hell


Tom Tucker posted:

...The radio controllers will be able to launch quick and efficient attacks at moving targets...All that Dreadnautilus needs to do at that point is close in, disable those spindly pivoting systems on the guns with a few tentacles, and the riot suppressor will be helpless.



Let me rephrase that for you. "The fish is going to behave just like everything else Brut05 has been built to kill. Also, all the fish would need to do to win is get within arms reach of an animal who loves to gore and stomp things to death. Thats it!"

I am going to place a bet of six tin cans and a fully functional bottle cork on BRUT05. Beep.

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