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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Pretty good.
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Jul 5, 2010 18:15
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Brice has a new favorite as of 05:59 on Feb 19, 2015 |
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Jul 5, 2010 18:46
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A woman is walking down the street one day when she notices a very peculiar funeral procession coming up the street toward her. She notices one hearse driving quite slowly followed directly behind by another hearse. Walking slowly behind the second hearse is a woman with German Sheperd dog on a leash. And behind the woman and the dog is a line of approximately 50 women walking single file. The first woman is curious so she approaches the widow with the dog and asks, "Excuse me for interrupting your moment of sorrow, but what exactly is going on here?" The widow responds, "Well, you see that first hearse up there? That's my late husband Harold. And here in the second hearse is Harold's late girlfriend, Jennifer." The woman replies, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. But if I may ask, what's with the dog?" The widow says, "This is our family dog, Fritz. He ran into the bedroom last week and caught Harold with his girlfriend together and killed them both." The woman thinks for a moment then leans towards the widow and asks, "Ma'am, do you think I might borrow your dog for a couple of days?" The widow points to the group of women following behind her and says, "Get in line."
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Jul 6, 2010 00:14
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Two poets named Ned and Sam having died, arrived at the pearly gates together. St Peter told them he had only one place, for the better poet of the two. So he tested them by asking for a quatrain ending in the word Timbuctoo. Ned thought for a moment and said: "I gazed across the ocean grey where pirates of the deep did lay; a sailing ship came into view, its destination - Timbuctoo." Sam quick as a flash, replied: "Tim and I a-hunting went And spied three virgins in a tent. They were many, we were few - I bucked one, and Tim bucked two."
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Jul 6, 2010 05:37
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You: What's this? *wave your hands erratically in front of your face* Other Person: I don't know, what? You: Helen Keller screaming, falling down a well.
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Jul 6, 2010 06:43
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Two New Zealanders show up at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at them and flies into a rage, "gently caress, off Kiwis! You bastards steal anything that isn't nailed down! Get lost!" God overhears this and is, of course, upset. He calls St Peter into his office and says "Come on, Pete, that's not on, go back to the gates, apologise and let them in." St Peter begrudgingly agrees to do so. He returns a moment later. "They're gone." "The Kiwis?" "no, the loving pearly gates" Along a similar theme. A Young Black guy shows up in Heaven. St Peter's hungover and annoyed. He turns a grumpy eye towards the young man. "Not going to lie, mate, I'm in a bad mood, I'm only letting really exceptional people in today. What have you done that's exceptional?" The black guy considers his answer. "Well, I once boned a beautiful white woman against the wall of a building where the KKK was meeting." "Holy poo poo, when was that?" The guys checks his watch "About 20 minutes ago." An old Jewish joke: An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed, surrounded by his family. He looks around. "Rachel, my lovely wife, with whom I built everything I have, are you here?" "Of course I am, just as I have been all the years of our life." The man nods. "My eldest son, Isaac, my heir, who does me proud with his every breath, are you here?" "Of course father, I will always follow you as far as i can." The old man nods, "My beautiful daughter, Sarah, so like your mother, the rose of my heart, are you here?" "Of course." "My Youngest, David, so different from me, but everything a father could want, are you here?" The earnest young man takes his father's hand in his, "Of course, father." The old man suddenly looks troubled. "Then who the hell is minding the shop?"
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Jul 6, 2010 07:13
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I'm too lazy to write out my exact rendition, but this is a ctrl-c of one of my favorites: A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big son-of-a-bitch!" The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!" "Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!" "Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" "My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior. "No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." "Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Priest. "And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop. "And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright".
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Jul 6, 2010 10:36
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A man goes into the doctor. He hasn't pooped in over a week. The after the checkup, the doctor decided that the best way to clear up the blockage would be to take an anal suppository every night for a week. "What in the hell is an anal suppository?" the man said. "Well it's basically medicine that you have to insert in your rectum" the doctor replied. "If you have never put one in before I would be happy to show you how." So the doctor has the man bend over, gets behind him and says "Allright. I'm going to insert the suppository now. You might feel a slight pinch." The man winces in expectation, but relaxes when he feels the doctor's hand on his shoulder. "You know, that wasn't so bad after all." the man said. "I think I'll have to have my wife help me tomorrow." The next night as he's getting ready for bed, the man has his wife help him put in another suppository. "How do I do this?" she asks. "I'll just bend over and you just push the medicine into my butt. It might help if you put your hand on my shoulder. The man again winces in expectation as his wife gets behind him, but relaxes when he feels her hand on his shoulder and the suppository sliding home. Suddenly he starts screaming bloody murder. "What?! What's going on? Did I hurt you?!" the wife gasps. "No," the man says with tears in his eyes "I just realized the doctor had both hands on my shoulders."
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Jul 6, 2010 17:31
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Strunk posted:I'm too lazy to write out my exact rendition, but this is a ctrl-c of one of my favorites: This joke made me laugh for hours as a kid. This is how I learned it and told it for years: The butcher asks if she'd like to try some drat ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some drat ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "That's the spirit Daddy. Pass the motherfucking potatoes."
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Jul 7, 2010 03:28
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic. -- "What's logic?" says Bubba. -- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?" -- "Sure do," says Bubba. -- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard." -- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe. -- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?" -- "Gawly!” says Bubba. -- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?" -- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" -- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?" -- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!" Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting. -- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter. -- "Maths, historys and logic," says Bubba. -- "What in tarnation is logic?" -- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?" -- "No." -- "Then yer gay."
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Jul 10, 2010 03:30
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Brice has a new favorite as of 05:59 on Feb 19, 2015 |
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Jul 10, 2010 04:59
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So there's a bus that's going along its route and all the seats are taken. An Australian gets on and sees a lady is sitting down with her dog occupying the seat next to her. He comes up to the lady and asks her to if she could move the dog so he could sit down. The lady refuses to do it. Next an English man comes on the bus and sees the lady and her dog. He asks if she could move the dog, but again the lady refuses to do it. Finally, an American gets on the bus. He comes up to the lady and asks if she could move her dog so he could have a seat. When the lady refuses, he picks up the dog and tosses it out of the window. Seeing this, the English man shakes his head in disapproval and then says “You Americans do everything wrong. You eat with the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window.”
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Jul 10, 2010 19:34
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Heres a dirty one I got from the latest season of Curb, I know, two posts and they're both stolen, I just want to give credit where credit is due. A young woman is engaged to the love of her life, but she is nervous for her first night "together" with him on their wedding night. She goes to her mom for advice. "Mom I need your help, Brad and I have been waiting for marriage and well... my hole, it's just way too big." Her mother happily obliges "Oh honey don't fret, all the women in our family have gaping vaginas. Just use some roast beef." The wedding night finally arrives and the young couple have a passionate, champaigne-fueled, night of lovemaking, roast beef and all. Then next morning she awakens. Hazy of the events the night before she freaks out when she realizes that her new husband is gone! On the bed next to her is a letter from him. "My Dearest Love, Forgive me for leaving you this morning. There was an emergency at the hospital that I needed to attend to, but I shall return to your side in time for brunch. I just wanted to tell you that you are the light of my life. I had the most wonderful dream last night. We lived in a beautiful cottage in the mountains, had the most well behaving and intelligent children, you were still just as beautiful as our wedding day and we were the happiest people in the world. Well, I cannot wait for our future together. I never knew happiness until I met you. Forever yours, Your loving husband Brad P.S. your oval office is in the sink.
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Jul 10, 2010 21:38
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ZedSpot posted:Heres a dirty one I got from the latest season of Curb, I know, two posts and they're both stolen, I just want to give credit where credit is due.
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Jul 10, 2010 21:50
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:I don't get it. She didn't say to eat the roast beef. 
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Jul 10, 2010 23:44
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Admiral Bosch posted:She didn't say to eat the roast beef. Is that the joke? I must be terribly inured to filthy jokes, because I automatically assumed that the mother meant that the roast beef should be used to narrow the gauge of the gaping vagina.
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Jul 11, 2010 01:21
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Scientastic posted:Is that the joke? I must be terribly inured to filthy jokes, because I automatically assumed that the mother meant that the roast beef should be used to narrow the gauge of the gaping vagina. We have a winner!
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Jul 11, 2010 03:29
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I'm a fan of simplicity How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints Why can't skeletons see scary movies? They ain't got the guts What's the name of a Mexican with no car? Carlos So a netron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" and the bartender replies, "For you, no charge". So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra I submitted ten puns to a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
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Jul 11, 2010 04:11
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Fame Throwa posted:How does Lady Gaga like her steak? How do you wake up Lady Gaga? P-p-p-Poke her face
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Jul 11, 2010 05:48
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Vander posted:We have a winner! ...I still don't get it. 
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Jul 11, 2010 19:10
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Friend posted:...I still don't get it. Neither do I, at this point I'm pretty sure there's nothing to get.
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Jul 11, 2010 20:54
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RushingCraze posted:Neither do I, at this point I'm pretty sure there's nothing to get. I don't understand what eating the vagina roast beef has to do with it being in the sink.
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Jul 11, 2010 21:23
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A college girl stumbles home after a night on the town and knocks on her blond roommate's door. "Honey, I just have to tell you about the crazy night I had. I got wasted at the bar and slept with a Brazilian guy!" The blond looks outraged. "You slut!" Then she pauses, looking throughtful. "Wait, how many is a brazilian?"
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Jul 11, 2010 22:26
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Hay Belly posted:How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Awesome. My go-to joke is this one: Two Hasidic Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Pincus," one said, "we want new suits. Last time we came in, we told you we wanted black, but the suits you made were not black, they were sort of dark grey. We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the blackest cloth there is." Pincus nodded his head and said, "Alright, you want black, I'll give you black," He continued, picking a bolt of fabric off a shelf, "I use this to make habits for nuns. There is no blacker cloth, I'll use this for your suits!" A couple weeks pass, one day the two men were walking down the street in their new suits. They came across two nuns coming the other way. As they cross paths, one of the men stopped, grabbed one of the nuns's sleeves and held it up against his own. He then mumbled something to his friend and they both stormed away, very angry. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied. "he said something in Latin." "Latin?" asked the first nun. "What was it?" "Pincus fuctus."
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Jul 12, 2010 00:58
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What's brown and sticky? The Mexico Gulf.
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Jul 12, 2010 12:35
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Lupus For All posted:What's brown and sticky? Also "What's wet, sticky and smells of dead fish?"
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Jul 12, 2010 13:12
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What's the difference between a vuvuzela and a woman? One makes a loud obnoxious sound, the other is a plastic horn.
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Jul 12, 2010 13:21
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A Nice Boy posted:A college girl stumbles home after a night on the town and knocks on her blond roommate's door. "Honey, I just have to tell you about the crazy night I had. I got wasted at the bar and slept with a Brazilian guy!" I heard a slightly different variation of this one as a George Bush joke George Bush is sitting in the Oval Office one day when Dick Cheney comes in and says 'George, I've got some bad news for you - three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today' George bush looks absolutely distraught, and falls silent for a moment before turning to Dick Cheney and saying 'You've got to help me out here Dick, how many million in a Brazilian?'
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Jul 12, 2010 13:31
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Friend posted:...I still don't get it. Here's what I think is going on. The girl is concerned that her vagina is too big, so she gets some roast beef and crams it in there so it seems a bit tighter. Vaginas sometimes kinda look like roast beef. On the night of their wedding, they have sex and the roast beef apparently falls out. The husband puts the roast beef in the sink and leaves. The joke is in the severity of the P.S. line.
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Jul 12, 2010 13:45
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Here's a mix from a few of the popular genres What's red and smells of blue paint? red paint Knock Knock Who's there? You-know You-know who? Correct! Avada Kedavra How many babies does it take to paint a room? depends how had you throw them What do you get when you paint a room with babies? A hard-on An Englishman is on a business trip in Ireland, and decides he's bored and wants to mess with the locals, so he walks into a bar and has a drink. He then turns to the person next to him and says... "Excuse me sir, but would you know what is it that goes around on all fours in a field eating grass and looking for sheep to gently caress?" "Well," says the Irishman, "that is a tough 'un I'll give ye that, but ah think ye'll find it it's a Ram." "No," shouted the Englishman, "It's your brother." He then legged it while the rest of the pub was laughing. The Irishman is so angry he decided to get his own back. He took the next ferry to England, and marched straight into the nearest pub. Walking straight to the nearest Englishman he said "Oi, there, what goes 'round fields on all fours eatin' grass and looking fer sheep ter gently caress?" "Well, that would be a Ram." Said the somewhat bemused patron. "No," shouted the Irishman, triumphantly, "it would be me brother!"
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Jul 12, 2010 13:53
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Two Jewish guys, Mort and Abe, are walking past a church with a sign out front reading, "$100 if you convert to Christianity!" Mort turns to Abe and says, "You know what, I think I'm going to do it." Abe says, "You mean you're going to change religions for a measly hundred bucks? What kind of Jew are you?" "No, no, I'm not actually going to convert, I'm just going to say I converted to I get the $100. I'll be able to surprise the wife with something nice." So Mort goes into the church while Abe waits outside. Hours later, Mort comes back outside, grinning like an idiot. "Well? Did you get the $100?" Abe asks. At this Mort's expression changes to a look of patronizing disgust. "Money? Is that all you people think about?"
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Jul 12, 2010 15:23
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? (loud redneck voice) WHAR THE gently caress'S MAH TRACTOR????
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Jul 12, 2010 19:39
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Where does a horse sit when he visits the theatre? The stalls
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Jul 12, 2010 22:04
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Barehanded Brother posted:Two Jewish guys, Mort and Abe, are walking past a church with a sign out front reading, "$100 if you convert to Christianity!" Weird, I know a different version but I also use the names Morty and Abe when telling it (in the same roles, too, Abe waits outside), and there were no names attached when I first heard it, that was my addition.
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Jul 12, 2010 22:55
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Did you know Pythagorus killed a dude? He did. He had one of the first schools of mathematics. He taught his students that all numbers are rational; that numbers have an end to them. However, one of his students proved that the square root of two is irrational; it goes on forever. When he brought this to Pythagorus' attention, Pythagorus had him drowned. If you ask me, Pythagorus was being a little irrational himself. I came up with it while reading Fermat's Enigma (really good if you like math, science, or even a good mystery/puzzle story). By itself, it's a pretty bad joke. But, with good delivery and phrasing (I prefer to give a triumphant air punch at the end) and a group of friends that like that kind of humor, it usually goes over well.
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Jul 13, 2010 02:08
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Ballsworthy posted:Weird, I know a different version but I also use the names Morty and Abe when telling it (in the same roles, too, Abe waits outside), and there were no names attached when I first heard it, that was my addition. I got it from a book called "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar" (great book, by the way). That retelling is from memory, so it might be a little different, but I think those are the names the authors wrote in the book. That is weird though.
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Jul 13, 2010 02:35
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BillNyeTheNaziSpy posted:Did you know Pythagorus killed a dude? He did. He had one of the first schools of mathematics. He taught his students that all numbers are rational; that numbers have an end to them. However, one of his students proved that the square root of two is irrational; it goes on forever. When he brought this to Pythagorus' attention, Pythagorus had him drowned. If you ask me, Pythagorus was being a little irrational himself. That's not what rationality is. 1/3 is rational, but it still "goes on" forever. If you want to get really pedantic, every number "goes on" forever; 1/10 is 0.100000000... 
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Jul 13, 2010 04:36
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[quote="Subhu Man"] How many babies does it take to paint a room? depends how had you throw them Well, if we're gunna go there... What sound does a baby make when you put it in the microwave I don't know, I was too busy wanking to notice How do you stop a baby falling down a well? Throw a javelin through its head What do you call a baby with lockjaw? Deep throat What's pink, 12 inches long and makes women scream? Cot death Edit: Ahh, quote fail. Feh. Lupus For All has a new favorite as of 04:50 on Jul 13, 2010 |
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Jul 13, 2010 04:48
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ih8ualot posted:That's not what rationality is. 1/3 is rational, but it still "goes on" forever. If you want to get really pedantic, every number "goes on" forever; 1/10 is 0.100000000... You are correct. However, I don't like being pedantic at all with my math jokes so I usually don't get technical at all with them; just enough to give the average person who doesn't like math the idea. Most of the time, I reference pi instead of what you bolded in my post. BillNyeTheNaziSpy has a new favorite as of 04:55 on Jul 13, 2010 |
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Jul 13, 2010 04:52
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Alright this is probably the worst one I know: Michael J. Fox goes into an Baskin Robbins, walks up to the counter, and says, "Hi, I'd like one scoop please." The girl behind the counter responds, "Sure, what flavor would you like?" Michael J. Fox, somewhat put-out, says, "It doesn't matter. I'm just going to loving drop it."
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Jul 13, 2010 07:32
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