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A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, 'why the long face?' The horse replies: "I've got AIDS."
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Jul 13, 2010 18:38
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 02:58 |
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A man was walking down the street one day when he saw a sign in front of a house that said “talking dog for sale”. He decided to knock on the door and see what was going on. The owner came to the door. “You have a talking dog here?” The owner replied. “Yeah, he is in the backyard.” The man went to the backyard where a Labrador was sitting. “So you talk?” the man asked. “Yep, I sure do.” The dog replied. When the man had recovered from hearing a dog talk he asked, “So what’s your story?” The dog said, “Well, I learned when I was a puppy that I could talk. I was quickly recruited by the government to sit in on super secret meetings with world leaders. Nobody would suspect a dog being a spy. I would bring back all sorts of information. I was a hero. Then when the traveling got to be too much I took a job at Heathrow airport. I would walk around and listen to conversations. I found out so many things that helped security that they gave me all sorts of medals. Then I retired, had some puppies and am now living out my retirement here.” The man was astonished. He turned to the owner. “How much do you want for the dog?” “Ten dollars.” The owner replied. “Ten dollars? Why would you sell such an extraordinary dog for only ten dollars?” The owner scowled and said “Because he is a liar. That dog has literally never done any of that poo poo.”
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Jul 13, 2010 23:02
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As long as we have a math joke lets get a physics one in here: Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are out playing hide-and-go-seek one day and it's Einstein's turn to be it. As he counts Pascal runs off and hides really well, but Newton just casually grabs a stick, draws a 1 meter x 1 meter box around himself and just stands there. Einstein finishes counting and immediately exclaims, "Newton, I found you!" To which Newton replies, "Nope, you found Pascal!". 1 Pascal = 1 Newton per square meter
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Jul 14, 2010 16:12
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John and Rebecca were newlyweds, and found themselves having some trouble in the bedroom department, and went to talk to a family therapist about it. The therapist said "Did you have sex before you were married?" And they both shook their heads. He then said "Alright, this may be uncomfortable for you, but I'll need you to videotape yourselves having sex. Let's see what we're working with." The couple were uncomfortable at the thought, but were determined to help their marriage and showed up next week with the tape. After watching it, the therapist said "You two are both so stiff, so formal! You need to have fun with each other! First, get a bunch of grapes and a box of donuts. John, the next time I want you to take some grapes and place them into Rebecca's vagina. Slowly eat them out of her one by one. And Rebecca, take a donut and place it around John's penis, and slowly eat it off of him. Once you learn to relax around each other, everything will be fine." John and Rebecca went home and that night had the best sex of their lives. They were so happy they told their friends Rob and Amy, and raved about how much he'd helped them. The next day, Rob and Amy arrived at the therapist's office and explained their problem. Once again, the therapist recommended they record themselves. The week after, the therapist sat down infront of Rob and Amy, handed over the tape, and said "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do to help you." "But doctor!" cried Rob "You helped John and Rebecca! Please, you have to do something for us!" The therapist looked at them for a long moment, then heaved a large sigh. "Alright. First, get a bag of apples and a box of cheerios..."
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Jul 14, 2010 22:12
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StealThisAlias posted:A man is at his friend's funeral, he looks over at the closed-casket and sees another man standing there. He walks over and tries to start a conversation. From way back, but here's Mike Reid telling this joke pretty well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbUSGOAa-Zc To contribute: What's blue and fucks grannies? Me in my lucky blue jumper
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Jul 15, 2010 00:48
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There was once a farmer who had three daughters that he was naturally very protective of. One night, all of the daughters had dates. The farmer, wanting to make sure that the suitors were good enough, waited at the front door with his shotgun. Soon, the first boy walked up the steps and said, "Hi, my name is Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Eddy sounded like a decent enough guy, so the farmer nodded and sent him and Betty on their way. Not long after, a second guy knocked on the front door and said, "Hey, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Is she ready to go?" Again, the farmer saw nothing wrong with this suitor so he happily saw the young couple off. Awhile later, another young man walked up. "Hey, my name is Chuck-" The farmer shot Chuck. One day, a man came home from work to find his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and breathing heavily. "Call 911," she gasped. "I'm having a heart attack!" The man ran downstairs to the phone and was frantically dialing the emergency number when his 4-year-old daughter came up and tugged on his pants leg. "Daddy, Daddy!" the child cried. "Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" He immediately slammed down the phone, ran back upstairs, into his bedroom, past his panting wife, and threw open the closet door. Sure enough, there was his brother, crouching in the closet. "Fred, you bastard!" the man yelled. "My wife is having a heart attack and here you are, running around naked and scaring the kids!" Owl Island has a new favorite as of 04:12 on Jul 15, 2010 |
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Jul 15, 2010 04:04
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Did the OP ever say how the comedy event went?
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Jul 15, 2010 18:18
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A man walks into a bar and sets a rooster and a mouse on the counter. The bartender is understandably upset by the obvious hygiene issues and asks him to at least set them on the floor. "But wait," said the man, "These animals are special and should be treated as such". And with that snapped his fingers, and the chicken began to sing the most beautiful opera anyone in the bar had ever heard. After a round of applause from the other customers, the bartender decided to let the animals stay on the counter, after all the show was good for business. After three or four more shows, and as it got late, people began to leave the bar. The man started to pick up the chicken and the mouse, but was stopped by a customer. "Wait man, I'll give you $100...wait $200 for that bird there. I could use it to get my stage show off the ground." Said the customer as he started dealing $20's on the table. "Make it $250 and we have a deal" Says the man, handing over the chicken. As soon as the customer left, the bartender walked over shaking his head. "You know, you could have gotten thousands of dollars for that chicken, that bird had some talent" he said over some freshly cleaned glasses. "Actually, I only needed enough money to buy another chicken," said the man with a smirk, "You see, the mouse is a ventriloquist." Tewbrainer has a new favorite as of 16:58 on Jul 16, 2010 |
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Jul 16, 2010 16:51
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Why doesn't Jesus like M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.
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Jul 16, 2010 17:40
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Barehanded Brother posted:Two Jewish guys, Mort and Abe, are walking past a church with a sign out front reading, "$100 if you convert to Christianity!" I've heard a similar version of this joke. Two black guys are walking down the street, when they see a sign in front of a store that says "Become White: $5." Intrigued, they watch another black guy walk in, and about 10 minutes later, a white guy in the same clothes walks out. Amazed, they pull out their wallets. One is broke, the other has a 10. One guy says, "Wait here, i'll get the treatment, and come out and give you the change so you can get the treatment." And the second guy agrees. The first guy walks in, pays the money, and gets the treatment. When he comes out, the second black guy comes up to him and asks for change. To which the newly-white guy says gently caress YOU (N-WORD optional), GET A JOB! New content: So Dave, picks up Wendy for a blind date, and he takes her to the carnival. Once they arrive, he asks her what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the "Guess your Weight" booth, and she steps on the scale: 129.6. He then takes her to the Ferris Wheel. Afterwards, he asks her what she wants to do next. "I want to get weighed." He's thinking that it's a strange request to go back to the same booth, but he acquiesces. 129.6. Then he takes her to the Merry-go-round. He asks her again what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed." This is weird, he thinks, as he takes her once again to the booth. 129.6. The night continues much like this, going on a ride, then back to the weight booth. At the end of the night, Dave drives Wendy home and drops her off, certain that there won't be a second date. At home, Wendy's sister asks him how the night went. "He was nice, but he reawwy reawwy wiked the weight-guessing booth."
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Jul 29, 2010 04:45
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torgeaux posted:Why doesn't Jesus like M&Ms? This is better delivered as, "Jesus can't eat M&Ms." Then let them figure it out.
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Jul 29, 2010 06:30
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Q: What's the hardest part about having AIDS in the early 80s? A: Convincing your parents that you're Haitian.
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Aug 3, 2010 00:31
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A nun is walking home from working an evening shift at the homeless shelter when on the way to the bus stop when a tramp pulls her into the bushes and rapes her. When she gets back to the convent she finds the mother superior and tells her what happened on the way back to the convent. The Mother superior looks at her very sourly for a long time and finally gives her only three instructions. First she is to go to her room and remove the tattered, ragged remains of her habit and burn them. Second she is instructed to wash up and get dressed after burning her old clothes. Lastly she is told to go to the kitchen and gather a large knife, a lemon and a cutting board and meet the mother superior in her office. The nun, slightly confused asked the mother superior "I understand the need to change my clothes, as I look immodest and shamefull, and the need to shower, I am rather dirty from rolling around on the ground in those bushes for so long. The only thing I don't understand is the lemon, knife, and cutting board. Will those help keep me from getting pregnant?". "no" replied the mother superior "but it will help wipe that goddamn grin off your face". Whats the difference between a Nun and a Pinata? Nothing! Did you hear about the two old nuns that got on the old drunk? They almost killed him. Whats green and hops from bed to bed?A prostitoad!
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Aug 3, 2010 02:56
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Governor Schwarzenegger is working in his office when his secretary comes in looking upset. She says "Sir, i have some bad news for you. Nobody got you any easter eggs this year. The governator looks sad. "Are you okay sir? I hope this hasn't stopped it being your most treasured holiday season." Governator: "No, i-still-love-easter, baby" BA DUM FUCKIN' TISH
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Aug 3, 2010 12:59
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The Heckler posted:Governor Schwarzenegger is working in his office when his secretary comes in looking upset. I don't know why but I loving love this joke. Thank you. Edit for joke: Katie Holmes dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter takes her on a tour, showing her all the sights. They come to a huge room full of clocks and Katie asks him what they're for. "Well, each clock represents someone on earth, and every time they act like a oval office it takes a minute of there life." Katie looks around, but can't find Tom's anywhere. "Where's my husband's clock? Why isn't his here?" "Oh him? His clock's in the office, we've been using it as a fan during this hot spell" Holy Cow has a new favorite as of 14:09 on Aug 3, 2010 |
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Aug 3, 2010 14:00
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I don't know why, 'cause it's stupid, but I have always loved this joke (only works in written form.) John: Knock-Knock. Dave: Who's there? John: John. Dave: Jon who? John: You spelled my name wrong.
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Aug 3, 2010 15:18
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A newlywed couple are having sex for the first time with one another. The husband was a virgin and completely clueless about what to do. His wife, trying to make things simple for him said, "Take that thing you always play with and put it in the place where I pee." So he puts his bowling ball in the toilet -- A priest and a bunch of altar boys are flying on an airplane. Suddenly, the engine bursts into flame and sends the plane spiraling down. The pilot says, "We only have two parachutes!" The priest says, "What about the children?" "gently caress the kids!" says the pilot. The priest says, "Is there time?"
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Aug 3, 2010 18:14
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douche ex machina posted:A newlywed couple are having sex for the first time with one another. The husband was a virgin and completely clueless about what to do. His wife, trying to make things simple for him said, "Take that thing you always play with and put it in the place where I pee." I heard this as a Polish joke, where the guy puts his bowling ball in the sink
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Aug 3, 2010 20:06
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A redneck storms angrily into a parent-teacher conference, and starts screaming about how the school is poisoning his boy's mind. The teachers try to calm this screaming redneck down and after 10 minutes of screaming, he finally explains whats wrong. He says "My son came home today sayin that pie are square! Everyone knows pie ain't square, cornbread are square!"
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Aug 13, 2010 20:03
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The Heckler posted:Governor Schwarzenegger is working in his office when his secretary comes in looking upset. How have I never heard that joke before? That's priceless. What do Pink Floyd and Princess Di have in common? Their last big hits were The Wall What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Di? Tiger Woods has a good driver Did you know Princess Di had bad dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders on the dashboard
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Aug 14, 2010 01:20
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Bea Arthur told this joke in her one-woman show before she died. John invited his mother for dinner. And when she arrived, she couldn't help but notice how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been questioning John's sexuality, and over the course of the evening, watching the two men interact, she began to wonder if there wasn't a little something more between John and his roommate than met the eye. And John, reading his mothers thoughts, volunteered, "Look Mom, I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, Michael and I are just roommates." Well about a week later, Michael went to John and said "You know, ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said "Well I doubt it, but uh, I'll write and ask her. Just to be sure." So he sat down and he wrote -Dear mom, I'm not saying you DID take a gravy ladle from my house... and I'm not saying you did NOT take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains, one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John. And a few days later he received a letter from his mother, which read Dear son, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Michael... and I'm not saying you do NOT sleep with Michael. But the fact remains, that if he'd been sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.
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Aug 14, 2010 19:12
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Why is missionary the best position when loving a sheep? That way you can make out at the same time.
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Aug 14, 2010 21:19
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Why did the toilet roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
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Aug 14, 2010 23:23
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Why doesn't the sky have a ceiling? so birds don't hit their heads What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? WHERE'S MY loving TRACTOR??? Completely tasteless: What is black and sits at the top of a staircase? Christopher Reeve in a house fire
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Aug 26, 2010 16:52
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What do you call an Ethiopian taking a poo poo? A showoff
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Aug 29, 2010 03:30
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What has 88 balls and fucks grannies? Bingo
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Aug 29, 2010 04:01
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Leaf Coneybear posted:Bea Arthur told this joke in her one-woman show before she died. Little Johnnie was in class, and the teacher asked of her pupils, "So who can put the word 'contagious' into a sentence for me?" Susie put up her hand and said, "Oh Teacher! My Daddy said I should cover my cough because it could be contagious!" 'Wonderful Susie, that is correct.' Mary offered, "My Father said I got chickenpox because they are contagious, so I caught it from someone else." 'Good explanation, Mary. Anyone else?' Little Johnny sticks his hand us and says "Ay Miss, my Dad was drivin' us around and we saw a friggen long fence with a guy painting it with a fucken tiny paintbrush, and Dad says 'poo poo, that's gonna take that contagious!'" Johnny Mash has a new favorite as of 12:24 on Aug 29, 2010 |
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Aug 29, 2010 12:04
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Lupus For All posted:What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? From a while back (sorry if it's a repost), but: What's worse that the holocaust? Papercuts
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Aug 29, 2010 20:45
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What's the difference between a porsche and a pile of dead babies? I haven't got a porsche in my garage. - What's more fun that spinning a baby around on a washing line? Stopping it with a spade - What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant -  Probably.How do you tell if your sister's on her period? Your Dad's cock tastes different. - A guy goes to the doctor's with a really odd problem. He walks into the office and says, "doctor, I don't know what to do about this, it's in the trouser area and I'm really embarrassed..." The doctor, having seen some wild sights in his time, just says "It's OK, just drop your trousers and we'll have a look at what seems to be the problem". So the guy turns around, drops his trousers, and what the doctor sees is just about the worst injury he's ever seen. This bloke's arsehole is about the size of a dustbin lid. "Holy poo poo!" the doctor says. "What happened to you?" "Well doctor, I recently came back from holiday in Africa, and I was on a safari tour. We were on a Land Rover in the bush when we came into a clearing. In the middle of the clearing was the biggest bull elephant you could ever hope to see. It charged the car and threw the passengers, who were on the roof, onto the ground. I tried to run, but it was surprisingly fast. It used one of it's tusks to tear my pants off, and then... it raped me." The doctor thinks about this for a minute, trying to take all the facts in. "Well excuse me for asking, but I thought an elephant's penis was long and thin?" The man says "It was, but he fingered me first!
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Aug 29, 2010 21:29
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Zuriel147 posted:From a while back (sorry if it's a repost), but: I tell this joke a bit differently. *Person says they hate something* Me: You know what's worse than that? Them: What? Me: A papercut. But do you know what's worse than that? Them: What? Me: The holocaust. But you know what's worse than that? Them: What? Me: Two papercuts.
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Aug 29, 2010 21:35
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Did you hear about that show on Lifetime about that woman? (this isn't a punchline, that's the joke)
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Aug 29, 2010 22:01
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Gustavus posted:I tell this joke a bit differently. Reminds me of a this, which was on an SA article about de-joking jokes or making jokes realistic or something. What's worse that biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Holocaust  Also there was this, though I can't remember it word for word: What do you call three black buys in a car, careening over a cliff? I called them my friends, you racist rear end in a top hat. 
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Aug 29, 2010 22:50
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The Steak Justice posted:Did you hear about that show on Lifetime about that woman? No I'm pretty sure if it's a show on Lifetime a guy has a line about how he loves to punch women at least once an episode. 
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Aug 29, 2010 22:51
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 Knock knock. Who's there. Procrastinating cow. Procrastinating cow who?
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Aug 29, 2010 23:07
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A guy and his girlfriend are driving down a lonely stretch of highway. It's been a long, boring trip, so the girl decides to make things a little interesting. She says to her boyfriend, "If you can get up to 100 MPH, I'll take all my clothes off." The guy steps on the gas, and when he reaches 100 MPH, he looks over and she's naked, and he's so busy staring at her that he loses control of the car and flips it into a ditch. Miraculously, neither of them are hurt, but the guy is pinned beneath the car and can't get out. "Go get help!" he shouts. "But I don't have any clothes, I can't go like this!" He throws one of his shoes at her. "There, now go get help!" The girl wanders down the highway until she finds a gas station, and she runs in holding the shoe over her crotch. "Help," she cries, "my boyfriend is stuck!" The cashier looks at her, looks at the shoe, and says "I'm sorry, miss, but if he's that far up there's not much I can do."
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Aug 30, 2010 00:34
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Orkiec posted:A better one is. Haha, so I was sitting on the couch reading these jokes to my girlfriend and I got to this one. The conversation went as thus,  "If you're quadriplegic and you know it, clap your hands!" [claps hands] "If you're a tard and don't know what quadriplegic means, clap your hands!" "Thats the one without arms and legs right..." ....
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Aug 30, 2010 03:25
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Racist: A black guy and a mexican get into a fight. who wins? Society. Stupid: Why did the airplane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread. How do you kill a red elephant? With a red elephant gun. How do you kill a green elephant? with a green elephant gun. How do you kill a blue elephant? It's already suffocating. A Rabbi, a Priest and an Imam walk into a bar. They are offended by all they see. From Raising Arizona: Glen: How many polocks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nathan: I don't know, how many? Glen: FOUR! HA HA! ... wait, I told it wrong... ok, Why does it take 4 polocks to screw in a lightbulb? Nathan: I dunno.. Glen: Because they're so durn stupid! HA HA HA!
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Aug 30, 2010 04:36
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Mike moves to a new town and decides to take a walk to get acquainted with the place. As he's walking, he comes upon a home for the mentally handicapped, and he can hear a large group of them yelling "37! 37! 37!". Curious, he tries to look around to see what has them so excited, but, a sturdy wooden fence prevents him from seeing anything. All the while, the retards keep chanting "37! 37!" Determined to know the reason for the chanting, he walks along the fence until he sees a small knothole. He kneels down and peeks inside. As soon as he does, one of the retards jabs him in the eye with a stick. "38! 38! 38!"
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Aug 30, 2010 08:08
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Moo.
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Aug 30, 2010 22:31
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 02:58 |
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Well done, NGL 
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Aug 30, 2010 22:53
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