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Well, I've got a few: A new sister of the local monastery is given her rites and brought into the fold under the watchful eye of the Bishop and the elder nun. One day, the nun found the sister grinning and singing as she illuminated the old texts of the true faith. "What business this, new sister? For what reason is mirth upon you?" "Oh, elder nun! Such joy has come upon me, for I have been saved!" The elder nun was skeptical, "Saved? How so?" The new sister put down her quill, "The bishop, being of older age, requested I undress and assist him as he went into bath. As I washed him, he bid my touch upon the Key of Heaven that he kept with him. He told me that t'was to fit within my lock, and although the change would be of pain, the joy of salvation would soon awaken to me! As it was done, so I felt that great joy! It is truly a marvelous thing to be saved!" The elder nun pursed her lips and frowned. "Why, that old devil! He told me it was the horn of Jericho, and I've been blowing that thing for twenty years!" -- A Beech Tree and a Birch Tree noticed between them a new sapling. As it grew, they discussed amongst themselves as to what the tree could be. "See the stout trunk, the healthy bark, the mighty roots! A beech tree, yes!" Said the Beech with pride. "Ah, but what of the graceful leaves, the sifting colour, the poised curve of the branch? Would it not be a Birch tree?" Mused the Birch. As they argued as to the species of the tree, a young woodpecker well known to them alighted upon the ground to clean its feet. They called to it: "Good bird! Your taste in wood is beyond measure and simple wisdom! We ask of you, go to that sapling and taste of it, that we may know whether it was fathered by Beech or Birch!" The woodpecker bowed and humbly complied, striking gently at the young tree. It returned the two trees, face brimming with confidence. "Well?" They asked. "That, good sirs, is neither the son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is the finest piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!" -- An old man walks into his doctor's office and whispers to him in shame: "Doc, you gotta help me, there's something wrong! I fart constantly, constantly, but they're silent and scentless, every single one! Now I know this doesn't sound like a problem, but it ain't right! You gotta cure me of whatever I got! I've farted fifty times since I walked into your office, for crying out loud!" His doctor, face steely and inexpressive, fills out a prescription for a bottle of pills. Wordlessly, he slips the instructions of dosage and timing along with the prescription and nods. The old man, stunned by his professionalism and discretion, smiles and goes to get his medicine from the pharmacy opposite. A week passes, and the old man returns to the doctor, his face twitching in rage. "You quack! You utter quack! You've not only failed to stop my farting, but now my farts sound like the brass section of an orchestra falling down the stairs! What do you have to say for yourself?!" The doctor smiles, "Well, I cured your hearing problem. All that's left is to unblock your sinuses, I believe."
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Mar 19, 2015 12:12
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To be honest that sounds a lot like recent rounds of Space Station 13.
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Mar 21, 2015 02:33
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There are three women on a bench, eating Ice Cream. The first one is gently licking the sides of the ice cream, before softly suctioning it in from the top. The second one gobbles down the ice cream and firmly sucks the remainder out of the cone. The third one takes a great toothy bite out of the ice cream. Which once of these women is married? The one wearing the wedding ring
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Apr 21, 2015 20:01
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Unexpected Road posted:I don't get it His name pre-indoctrination was Cassius Clay.
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May 31, 2015 03:45
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Non Serviam posted:Let's all tell jokes that don't work in the language we're telling them in. Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
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Jul 15, 2015 02:32
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I got one on accents. A lady's taking a train in a suburb well known for its large Italian expat community. The only people in the compartment are herself and two Italian men talking animatedly with each other. Curiosity and boredom in equal measure take control, and she leans over her seat to eavesdrop. "... so Emma come-a first, then I come-a. Those two asses got-a put together, I come again, those two asses come-a together again. I come-a again, pee twice-a, then I come-a once more. That's-a how you do it." The lady, unable to tolerate this disgusting public display, begins to berate and shame them for their actions. The Italian man who was talking put his hands up in appeasement. "Easy there Bella, it's-a okay, just teaching my buddy here how to spell Mississippi."
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Sep 3, 2015 14:25
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Yeah, gotta be careful with beggars. They'll give you some lip if you're not careful.
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Oct 20, 2015 12:28
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Dross posted:That punchline was not worth painstakingly crafting that joke around. To be honest, without the punchline I would have assumed it would have involved F.A.T.A.L. Or the Aristocrats. Or both.
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Jan 29, 2016 06:57
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Y'know, I may as well tell that one FATAL joke I know.
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Jan 29, 2016 07:20
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Cheers mate, could swear it showed up fine in the preview.
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Feb 1, 2016 05:12
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I heard it as a Stalin joke, which makes it better because he would have actually done it, had the situation arisen.
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Feb 1, 2016 06:51
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qntm posted:Well, and the dead fish floating on the lake. Generally you keep the fish alive as long as you can, so they don't spoil between you catching them and cleaning them. Hooks through the mouth aren't quite as fatal as you would think.
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Feb 24, 2016 08:43
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ToxicSlurpee posted:What did the find in the bathroom of the Enterprise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=264s-sFqvTA
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Mar 2, 2016 06:32
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The Philosophy major asks: What is work?
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Apr 4, 2016 09:31
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Oh. I thought it was going to be 'We've yet to see a dirty bus stop in Futurama'.
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Apr 30, 2016 02:36
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Raere posted:How do mathematicians with lisps pleasure themselves? 
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May 2, 2016 07:54
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It's p good, I'll give him that.
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May 12, 2016 08:26
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Legacy.
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May 22, 2016 11:23
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Carbon dioxide posted:How do you describe the situation where someone declares the area of their couch to be a sovereign kingdom and demands international recognition? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHUIU3HG1rk
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May 30, 2016 06:31
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