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John Dyne
Jul 3, 2005

Well, fuck. Seriously?


Jay Dub posted:

Yes, that's the reason. It has nothing to do with ProfessorClumsy being a sick bastard sadist who likes wasting my money for the sake of comedy.

Every review I read of yours is narrated in my head by David Warner, if only because of your avatar.

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Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

ProfessorClumsy posted:

Either way, this film sounds like it would have been better if it really did star Nicolas Cage. Then he could have made an unholy trilogy of demon-fighting movies, rounded off by next month's Drive Angry.

You forgot Ghost Rider, my friend. He actually has made a demon fighting trilogy.

Professor Clumsy
Sep 12, 2008

It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...


Vargo posted:

You forgot Ghost Rider, my friend. He actually has made a demon fighting trilogy.

Not all in the same year though.

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

ProfessorClumsy posted:

Not all in the same year though.

I hope they get Ghost Rider 2 out this year, then.

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

Hey guys, the crew has been talking about a podcast, and we may even have a tentative start date, but we're stuck on a name. Any suggestions?

Also, this week, ProfessorClumsy goes Spelunking with Sanctum, Jay Dub watches a dude cut his arm off with 127 Hours, and I try to chew my own arm off rather than watch The Roommate.

Humbug Scoolbus
Apr 25, 2008

The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers, stern and wild ones, and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.


Something Awfilm?

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

Humbug Scoolbus posted:

Something Awfilm?

Simple. Clean. I like it.

Jay Dub
Jul 27, 2009

I'm not listening
to youuuuu...


When I say it out loud, I can't help but pronounce "Awfilm" like I'm saying "Awwwww yeah..."

Professor Clumsy
Sep 12, 2008

It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...


Humbug Scoolbus posted:

Something Awfilm?

That's terrible.

How about Somefilm Awful?

Humbug Scoolbus
Apr 25, 2008

The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers, stern and wild ones, and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.


ProfessorClumsy posted:

That's terrible.

How about Somefilm Awful?

Well you're a bug stupid-head! (Actually, yours is so much better)

elpintogrande
Sep 3, 2000


Why not Cinema Discusso?

Johnny Walker
Jun 14, 2005

I've got a home for
Bloggers Let's exchange
ideas,stories and photos
with friendly writers
and editors.


Vargo, I really liked the review for The Roommate this week. Very entertaining. First thing I thought of when I saw the commercials on TV was "Why are they remaking SWF? Do we need another SWF?" You're thoughts about audience manipulation were interesting ones. I've often accused movies of manipulation rather than actual good filmmaking to make audiences feel something, but it's hard to define where the line is sometimes I think. It's kind of like a "porn: I-know-it-when-I-see-it" thing I guess.

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

Johnny Walker posted:

Vargo, I really liked the review for The Roommate this week. Very entertaining. First thing I thought of when I saw the commercials on TV was "Why are they remaking SWF? Do we need another SWF?" You're thoughts about audience manipulation were interesting ones. I've often accused movies of manipulation rather than actual good filmmaking to make audiences feel something, but it's hard to define where the line is sometimes I think. It's kind of like a "porn: I-know-it-when-I-see-it" thing I guess.

I think that's a good metaphor for it. You basically have to define by example. Mufasa dying in the Lion King is not manipulation. You care about the character first, and then he's gone. What the "_______ Movie" guys do is manipulation. Rather than create characters or tell jokes, they basically ask the audience to laugh because they recognize something from another film.

I brought up Secretariat in my review specifically because it's a good example of what isn't manipulation. Knowing your audience and making your film for them isn't manipulation, it's a good idea. Catering isn't manipulation, pandering is. And The Roommate panders in the laziest way possible. In a way, it's the other end of the spectrum from "___ Movie," because it basically is hoping that the audience hasn't seen any of the films it takes from. So you make the movie to appeal to the demographic least likely to realize what a hack you are. That is pandering, that is manipulation, and that is the laziest filmmaking. And it's insulting to your audience.

Side note: I originally wanted the title of this review to be "Filmmaker Takes Advantage of Preteen Girls."

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

ProfessorClumsy posted:

I might put on a production of Romeo and Juliet and have the entire cast dance at the end, even the dead ones, just to keep the kids happy. I'm sure Shakespeare would approve.

It's been done.

Also, what a lovely upload.

Chainsawdomy
Jul 3, 2006

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still


Vargo posted:

It's been done.

Also, what a lovely upload.

Sadly, G&J might have the most defensible instance of end-dancing of any of these films. Contemporary accounts suggest that almost all of Shakespeare's plays concluded with a dance by the characters, to represent the return to concord and harmony.

That doesn't stop it from looking drat stupid when Shakespeare companies do it today.

betaraywil
Dec 30, 2006

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all

No, seriously, what is the loving deal with dancing at the end of movies. I was kind of sick of it when Shrek 2 did it, but for me it really reached a fever pitch with Despicable Me. That movie had no need of dancing.

It would be one thing if it was just the de rigeur padding of a perilously short script, but honestly, the dancing never goes for more than a couple of minutes.

The Joe Man
Apr 7, 2007

Flirting With Apathetic Waitresses Since 1984

Children like it when cartoons/3D poo poo dance.


These movies are made for children.




Children have no standards.

SpiderHyphenMan
Mar 31, 2010

There's a hyphen, damn it!

Well this is one way to find out they made a movie called Gnomeo and Juliet.

Y-Hat
Feb 10, 2007

I'll get you, I'll burn you, I'll crush you, I'll flush you down, down
The toilet where you'll spiral around, round
Awwww tick... tick tick tick


Way to go, Gnomeo & Juliet, not only did you manage to take an opportunity in the movie to slap Shakespeare in the face, you managed to take an opportunity to slap Shakespeare voiced by Patrick Stewart in the face. Unforgivable.

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

In case anyone cares to read them again before the Oscars, here all all the reviews we've done on this year's Best Picture nominees:

Inception
The Social Network
The Fighter
The King's Speech
True Grit
Winter's Bone
Toy Story 3
127 Hours

It appears we only missed Black Swan and The Kids are Allright. Not bad, all in all. We could give our thoughts on those two here, if anyone cares.

Also, which one of you did this?

TheBigBudgetSequel
Nov 25, 2008

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.


Vargo posted:

In case anyone cares to read them again before the Oscars, here all all the reviews we've done on this year's Best Picture nominees:

Inception
The Social Network
The Fighter
The King's Speech
True Grit
Winter's Bone
Toy Story 3
127 Hours

It appears we only missed Black Swan and The Kids are Allright. Not bad, all in all. We could give our thoughts on those two here, if anyone cares.

Also, which one of you did this?

I would have reviewed Black Swan for you guys, but my review was "too repetitive." according to some Clumsy guy. I dunno. Lame.

(He is totally right,btw , I rambled like a motherfucker in the review I wrote. I also used the term "film" a gently caress load)

Johnny Walker
Jun 14, 2005

I've got a home for
Bloggers Let's exchange
ideas,stories and photos
with friendly writers
and editors.


Vargo posted:

Also, which one of you did this?
Well, it was a great review. I mean the review was great, not that it said the movie was great.

Clamknuckle
Sep 7, 2006

Greatest Survivor ever!
Deal with it bitches!!!

I'd be interested to hear what you thought of Black Swan...

TheBigBudgetSequel
Nov 25, 2008

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.


Hey Vargo, what movies are you guys doing this week? I assume Drive Angry, but anything else?

Jay Dub
Jul 27, 2009

I'm not listening
to youuuuu...


TheBigBudgetSequel posted:

Hey Jay Dub, what movies are you guys doing this week? I assume Drive Angry, but anything else?

I've got a thing or two to say about Hall Pass.

Also, this week's reviews will be up on Wednesday due to circumstances entirely within beyond our control. To make up for it, we're preparing a special post-Oscar surprise.

TheBigBudgetSequel
Nov 25, 2008

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.


Jay Dub posted:

I've got a thing or two to say about Hall Pass.

Also, this week's reviews will be up on Wednesday due to circumstances entirely within beyond our control. To make up for it, we're preparing a special post-Oscar surprise.

Well that explains why Clumsy has beaten down my digital door asking for a banner.

Humbug Scoolbus
Apr 25, 2008

The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers, stern and wild ones, and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.


Who got stuck with Hall Pass and what kind of revenge are they plotting?

Professor Clumsy
Sep 12, 2008

It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...


This week's Current Releases is a seven page extravaganza!

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

I feel like I should add an addendum to my Oscar Host Speech. I am fully aware of the fact that the Charlie Sheen joke makes no sense. I initially intended to follow it up with a sentence saying something like, "I know that made no sense, It's ahost speech, jokes don't have to." But I forgot, then decided I didn't care.

To make amends, this week I make a Charlie Sheen refernce that actually makes sense.

Professor Clumsy
Sep 12, 2008

It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...


Best e-mail I have ever recieved:

tom posted:

Hey it's cool that you faggots like to talk about movies, but do you really think your little circle jerk needs it's own weekly feature? As far as I know SomethingAwful is a comedy website, you know, for funny poo poo. Everything else posted on the front page at least gets a passing grade for humor, but your pedantic loving essays on whatever poo poo films happen to be out don't make the cut really. You losers already have your own forum, and we both know the people there are the only ones who're going to waste their time with your drivel so what's so hard about keeping it in there? Hell, if that's too much of an ordeal for you, why not set up a blogspot page and pass around the account info so no one can read them there instead of making GBS threads up the front page?


Regards

Chwoka
Jan 27, 2008

I'm Abed, and I never watch TV.



ProfessorClumsy posted:

Best e-mail I have ever recieved:

I just love that a feature he doesn't like somehow devalues the rest of the site for him.

Johnny Walker
Jun 14, 2005

I've got a home for
Bloggers Let's exchange
ideas,stories and photos
with friendly writers
and editors.


Well I can only say I don't go into CD and I enjoy the reviews.

TheBigBudgetSequel
Nov 25, 2008

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.


ProfessorClumsy posted:

Best e-mail I have ever recieved:

I wonder if he likes the photoshop banners

Jay Dub
Jul 27, 2009

I'm not listening
to youuuuu...


TheBigBudgetSequel posted:

I wonder if he likes the photoshop banners

What the hell's all this photoshop crap? That's what Phridays are phor!

Dectilon
Aug 15, 2008

Remember that thou wast a servant in the land of LP, and that the Lord thy Master brought thee out thence through mighty balls and a stretched out dive.
Dectilon 5:15


ProfessorClumsy posted:

Best e-mail I have ever recieved:

Why doesn't Lowtax spend those WTF, D&D!?-dollars on Comedy R&D!

garbage day
Jun 13, 2008

im lollin at you're trollin


ProfessorClumsy's e-mail posted:

You losers already have your own forum, and we both know the people there are the only ones who're going to waste their time with your drivel so what's so hard about keeping it in there?:

52,406 people currently browsing cinema discusso apparently.

Vargo
Dec 27, 2008

like a record baby

I think that this week's column should forgo our Forum Handles that we traditionally have and replace them with "circle-jerking enjoyable human being"
Martin R. "Circle-Jerking enjoyable human being" Schneider.

Jay Dub
Jul 27, 2009

I'm not listening
to youuuuu...


Vargo posted:

Martin R. "Circle-Jerking enjoyable human being" Schneider.

The Planet's HarshestTM Film Critic

Y-Hat
Feb 10, 2007

I'll get you, I'll burn you, I'll crush you, I'll flush you down, down
The toilet where you'll spiral around, round
Awwww tick... tick tick tick


Jay Dub, why are you surprised that Red Riding Hood is loaded with phallic imagery? If anything, that makes it more similar to the original fairy tale than the watered-down kiddie version that we're used to.

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Senior Woodchuck
Aug 29, 2006

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home


Wow, I figured Mars Needs Moms would be terrible, but I just thought aesthetically, not philosophically.

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