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I've written my first piece of comedy which is beginning some pre-production (casting and location scouting) over the weekend. It is intended to standalone as either a five minute one-off short but also as, (every finger crossed) a basic teaser for an original pilot. It's a mockumentary about two best friends with a crappy job. The pay sucks, the boss is insane and the uniforms are tacky. They are henchmen for hire to the least effective villains in history. The story is meant to focus more on their friendship as two semi-misfit characters who slack off at work, while the ridiculous drama of their workplace will be played off as mundane as much as possible. I'd love to have some goons read it and let me know what they think. I've got a good feeling about it but I'm stressing about accessibility and never dabbling in comedy before. I'll shoot an email to any interested parties, its five or six pages.
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Jun 15, 2011 08:02
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HAL9100 posted:I've written my first piece of comedy which is beginning some pre-production (casting and location scouting) over the weekend. It is intended to standalone as either a five minute one-off short but also as, (every finger crossed) a basic teaser for an original pilot. I'm definitely interested in reading it. My email is [removed] Kind of sounds like a mix of Henchman 21/Henchman 24 from The Venture Bros and The Office. Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 16:27 on Jun 15, 2011 |
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Jun 15, 2011 15:54
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Definitely. I had someone point out to me the Venture Bros. connection while I was writing, since I had never gotten down with the show. After watching it full through I can say that it's definitely a cross somewhere between the two examples you mentioned, possibly with characters that could be more at home in Sunny in Philly than either of the above. Basically, if Henching is a lovely version of the army in Venture Bros, in our universe it is equivalent to a fast food job or warehouse work. Sending it off now, quote free. Thanks.
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Jun 15, 2011 16:05
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Have you heard of Expendable? Comedy short film about henchmen from last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afttcxd6law
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Jun 17, 2011 11:40
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HAL9100 posted:Definitely. I had someone point out to me the Venture Bros. connection while I was writing, since I had never gotten down with the show. After watching it full through I can say that it's definitely a cross somewhere between the two examples you mentioned, possibly with characters that could be more at home in Sunny in Philly than either of the above. Here are my thoughts from when I was reading your script. I hope I'm not being too harsh (although you requested that  )- Less adverbs (fairly, slightly, politely, etc.) in your descriptions and dialog. - You only need to caps the names when the character is introduced, not throughout the entire thing. - Rewrite some of the dialog. I know you are trying to get a unscriped Office type of feel but some of it seems forced and/or unneccesary. Regarding the toaster contest: It is strange but not strange enough to be funny. Who won the competition? Actually, that whole scene feels like it is unnecessary. You may be better off cutting it completely. What lunchroom does the Todd confrontation take place in? The old job? What's the story with Todd? He is only mentioned once and isn't mentioned after his brief (silent) confrontation with Carl. You may want to flesh that part out. Is the dialog between Carl and Hunter after that taking place in the Interview Room? If it is, CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM In the interview room after the bill story, you may want the interviewer to actually ask the question O.S instead of just pausing for it. I would tighten up Carl's dialog after that too. With Carl's "Spandex smells funny when it burns." line, you may want to add some direction to that line like (under his breath) or something of that nature and end with it (cut Hunter's line) What is Hunter's uniform when he shows up in the Parking Lot? You never described what the new uniform was. "There is a door or window at the back of the room that is shut." Pick one and go with it. Why would the Super Villian crashing through the door/window while laughing maniacally get Hunter's reaction "Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I was afraid of."? I thought that type of over the top stuff was par for the course for them. Maybe turn that into an over the top theatric introduction for the Super Villian and cut to Hunter's reaction (it's suppose to be a  -type reaction, right?) in the interview room.Replace CUT TO: CREDITS with THE END As is, the ending feels like a non-ending. Almost like you had more but cut it in the middle for time. Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 21:58 on Jun 17, 2011 |
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Jun 17, 2011 20:44
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Anyone using Final Draft 8 know how to stop making the same character speak without Final Draft saying that it is continued after an action? It's starting to to get annoying now and doesn't look right.
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Jun 18, 2011 04:33
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Sporadic posted:awesome Thanks. You basically nailed down almost exactly what I was already feeling, except the door/window thing that was more just knowing that we're not sure yet which location we're using, so it may change. I'm working on a rewrite at work tonight, which I guess means I'm being paid more than most writers. 
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Jun 20, 2011 00:39
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Here's a question. I have a two-sided phone call with only one side of the call seen. KATHERINE (into phone, groggy) Hello? RUSSEL (V.O.) (over phone, cheerfully) Hello, Mom. Do I have to keep using (into phone) (over phone) afterwards or is that implied? HAL9100 posted:Thanks. You basically nailed down almost exactly what I was already feeling, except the door/window thing that was more just knowing that we're not sure yet which location we're using, so it may change. No problem. Glad I could help you out I figured as much with the door/window thing but you should still pick one. Scripts are never followed exactly as written. If your friends can't get your selection, I imagine they will ask you for an alternative (or come up with one on their own) I remember reading the script for the remake of Dawn Of The Dead, it has a big section talking about the mall having an atrium, big skylight, all these brand name stores, carts jammed upside down to block the escalators...and none of that poo poo is in the final movie. - edit screenwritersblues posted:Anyone using Final Draft 8 know how to stop making the same character speak without Final Draft saying that it is continued after an action? It's starting to to get annoying now and doesn't look right. Here you go. http://support.finaldraft.com/article.aspx?cid=1001&aid=1075 Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 01:41 on Jun 20, 2011 |
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Jun 20, 2011 01:08
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Sporadic posted:Here's a question. You'd use (O.S.) because it's off-screen, not a voice-over (V.O.). But you don't need to say it at all because it should be clear from the action that it's a phonecall. Thus: Katherine stumbles for the ringing phone, finds it, presses it to her ear, her eyes still shut. KATHERINE (groggy) Hello? RUSSEL (O.S.) (cheerfully) Hello, Mom! And you'd use (O.S.) for every instance of Russel in that scene because he continues to be off-screen.
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Jun 20, 2011 12:52
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The_Doctor posted:You'd use (O.S.) because it's off-screen, not a voice-over (V.O.). But you don't need to say it at all because it should be clear from the action that it's a phonecall. Thus: Wouldn't it be a (V.O.) since Russel isn't there and isn't seen? I thought (O.S.) was for situations where the character is there physically but out of the camera's view? My book was saying (V.O.) plus (into/over phone) but I figured it was overkill to use (into/over phone) every time after it was used once. quote:Voice Over (V.O.) 
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Jun 20, 2011 14:07
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I'd argue for (O.S.) myself. Voice-over just reads as narration stuff to me. And you're right, you don't need to keep putting it every time. What book is that? It seems slightly outdated.
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Jun 20, 2011 17:23
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The_Doctor posted:I'd argue for (O.S.) myself. Voice-over just reads as narration stuff to me. And you're right, you don't need to keep putting it every time. What book is that? It seems slightly outdated. The (O.S.) format for phone calls is the only one I've come across reading screenplays by others.
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Jun 20, 2011 17:42
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The_Doctor posted:I'd argue for (O.S.) myself. Voice-over just reads as narration stuff to me. And you're right, you don't need to keep putting it every time. What book is that? It seems slightly outdated. The book is The Complete Screenwriter's Manual: A Comprehensive Reference of Format and Style by Stephen Bowles, Ronald Mangravite & Peter Zorn. Came out in 2005 I understand the idea behind listing it as (V.O.) since it is something that would have to be done in post unlike (O.S.) which could be done by the actor on location. I'll leave it as (V.O.) for now and do some research to see what others have to say about it. Thanks
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Jun 20, 2011 19:31
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The_Doctor posted:I'd argue for (O.S.) myself. Voice-over just reads as narration stuff to me. And you're right, you don't need to keep putting it every time. What book is that? It seems slightly outdated. Yeah, I feel like (V.O.) implies a detachment from the scene, whereas (O.S.) can really apply to anything that is off-screen but diegetic.
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Jun 20, 2011 20:01
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Yeah, I think (O.S.) implies that the dialogue is audible to the other characters in the scene, and (V.O.) implies that it's not, whether it's overlapping dialogue from another scene, or a narration, or something else.
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Jun 20, 2011 22:04
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The more I write, the more I realize that my strengths are dialog/action and my biggest weakness is description. I am currently at another wall. I pushed this out, in hopes of getting over it, but I have the urge to delete it all. The setup is the walls are caving in and Katherine is presented with a tough solution to her problems. I don't explicitly state it in the screenplay but this is the scene where she retreats to a place that use to be a refuge for her. code:I'm twenty-one pages in so far, which is pretty wild (to me) considering this is my first attempt at writing a screenplay. I'm not going to kid myself. It isn't twenty-one pages of pure gold but with some polish, I think it can be good. I definitely feel like I'm having an issue with how much detail I should use to describe the environment. Since I don't know what I'm writing this for, I'm thinking no-budget "as long as it has the few things I describe for the scene to work, good, it works" but I'm having second thoughts about that. Is that a problem to save and address in later drafts?
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Jun 29, 2011 22:17
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Not all of the description has to be physical action. It's OK to use a little bit of metaphor and simile in your descriptions, too. Just don't overdo it. Like, the explanation you gave in your post gave a better sense of the feeling you were going for than the writing. You could include something like this: Sporadic posted:She is on the outside, away from the fun and joy. Almost like a ghost. in your screenplay, and it would help illustrate the mood you're going for.
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Jun 29, 2011 22:28
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Sporadic posted:Quick question. How do you handle scenes in a parked car? Came across this today in a script and can't believe I forgot it. I/E - Character's Car - Time. Sets it up perfectly.
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Jun 30, 2011 01:04
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Sporadic posted:The more I write, the more I realize that my strengths are dialog/action and my biggest weakness is description. Not to mention, this is a HUGE amount of text to use in action description. Your formatting is off (characters like LITTLE BOY and GIRL should be in caps the first time they appear on camera) and you typically don't want a block of black text. Paragraphs like that don't read well. I'd suggest breaking it up. You could cut back on your adverbs and bridge phrases to reduce bulk. Present tense is also your friend. So from "The boy is trying his best to catch her while the girl is enjoying being chased" you get "The boy tries to catch her, but the girl enjoys the chase" or "being chased." "Joyfully runs" uses an adverb; try to find a noun that embodies "joyful" without having to explain it. As for describing the environment, you need enough to indicate mood and critical set necessities, but remember, usually you're not directing or designing the costumes or building the sets or storyboarding. And twenty-one pages? Is it supposed to be a short? Feature-length will run anywhere from seventy to a hundred and twenty pages, generally speaking. And I'll tell you one thing, if it's your first screenplay, don't expect gold. It's okay to not be perfect while you're just figuring things out.
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Jun 30, 2011 04:16
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Sporadic posted:The idea is that the camera would follow the little boy and girl until they go up the stairs (and off screen). It would than follow the women and the toddler, before stopping on Katherine in a long shot. She is on the outside, away from the fun and joy. Almost like a ghost. Did any of that come through what I written or is it all poo poo (like I'm afraid it is)? The first question I have is how relevant is any of the action? The scene is nice enough, but does any of it really matter? Is the corkscrew slide relevant? Who are the characters? Are they just any old people who happen to be in the same frame (for juxtaposition) or are they characters who will pop up again at a later date? I know some people like to write in their own cinematography and direction, but generally, that's what you hire other people for (or you already have the scene in your head anyway when you come to film it yourself). I'd try to write the essence of the scene without getting too prescriptive about *exactly* how it happens, if that makes sense? Personally, I would see this cut down to the bare bones of what you need to understand the scene. (I'm very tired, so this is pretty clunky - but just to give an example.) quote:CUT TO:
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Jun 30, 2011 21:41
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You don't even need to include pan to reveal. Just use "Katherine sits on a bench in the distance, solemnly surveying the action". By the fact that it is Katherine who is the focal point of the sentence the reader automatically puts her in their vision, no need for camera directions.
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Jul 1, 2011 05:38
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TheYellowFog posted:By the fact that it is Katherine who is the focal point of the sentence the reader automatically puts her in their vision, no need for camera directions. Plus the fact that it's not really your place to put in camera directions. Sure, you have your version of the film in your head, but it's not necessarily going to mesh up with the director's version. The best you can hope for is to subtly suggest camera moves in the writing without them actually being flat out CLOSE UP ON, etc.
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Jul 1, 2011 11:50
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Yeah, I managed to contradict myself a bit in my post by using that camera direction (I did say I was tired!). You're right; I wouldn't ordinarily use camera directions (only sparingly if there was something imperative) but I think I was overly compensating as I felt I'd taken a lot of the movement out of Sporadic's original draft.
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Jul 1, 2011 20:08
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Thank you for all of the advice. Seems like every time I hit a wall, I make a post in here and you guys help me push forward. Take 2 code:Testro posted:The first question I have is how relevant is any of the action? The scene is nice enough, but does any of it really matter? Is the corkscrew slide relevant? Who are the characters? Are they just any old people who happen to be in the same frame (for juxtaposition) or are they characters who will pop up again at a later date? My idea was that: The boy chasing the girl would symbolize what is going on between Katherine and Jamal (which is why I tried to jam in that the boy was playing but serious while the girl was just playing) The woman who looks like Katherine with the toddler would trick the audience into thinking that they were watching a flashback (in the beginning, her son was at the funeral for her husband and over a phone call, we find out that he is away at college on a scholarship) until they noticed Katherine sitting in the background. The camera would stay with her after that point. We will never see any of them again besides Katherine. The corkscrew slide isn't relevant but every playground I remember going to had the corkscrew slide as the main attraction (and it was slightly elevated compared to the rest of the structure, have a small amount of stairs leading up to it). bartlebee posted:And twenty-one pages? Is it supposed to be a short? Feature-length will run anywhere from seventy to a hundred and twenty pages, generally speaking. And I'll tell you one thing, if it's your first screenplay, don't expect gold. It's okay to not be perfect while you're just figuring things out. I'm going straight for the jugular on this one. 120 or bust NeuroticErotica posted:Came across this today in a script and can't believe I forgot it. I actually saw that in my book, before I posted the question, but I couldn't figure out the correct way to use it. When I looked online, most of the people used it only in the case of something outside of the car and something inside of the car. I think you were right the first time about just keeping it simple. Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 19:51 on Jul 2, 2011 |
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Jul 2, 2011 18:40
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Bumping this because I'm writing a found footage screenplay, and it's hard as hell without directing on the page, because your cameraman has to do specific things. Cloverfield is the only script in the genre I've been able to find, and that's chock full of camera directions. I guess it's best to just write the whole thing the same way I would write a "CHARACTER'S POV" segment. If anyone's ever attempted this or can point me to a better example, I'd love to hear it. Also adding some advice here, hope you haven't gotten too far past this point without some fixes yet: Sporadic posted:(playground scene) 1) Get the "CUT TO:" out of there. It's out of use, and is implied by a new slugline. 2) "PARK, PLAYGROUND" is redundant and improper format. You probably just want PLAYGROUND. If you absolutely need both, it's "PARK - PLAYGROUND", and only if you're going to be setting scenes elsewhere in the same park. 3) Fix all instances of "Women", which I'm guessing is supposed to be "Woman". 4) Break up that second paragraph unless that's a reeeeally long tracking shot (which isn't your call anyway). Action text should be 3-4 lines max, and new shots can often be separated onto new lines. That paragraph is at least 5 shots, so work with that. 5) Unless "afternoon" is absolutely integral to your plot (like how "dawn" would be relevant in a vampire movie), ONLY use "DAY" or "NIGHT" in a slugline. 6) Stick to what the viewer sees. How would a person SEE "obliviousness", "carefree abandon", or "clear disconnect"? Don't leave that up to a director or actor. You can't "see" internal emotion, you have to demonstrate it by the look on a character's face, their actions, their position in relation to others, or their mannerisms. [edit]\/\/\/I've been taught specifically not to use most of those. POV is okay, but... in that genre, everything is POV. Insert doesn't really apply, and the rest I never use. Bonk fucked around with this message at 10:43 on Aug 15, 2011 |
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Aug 15, 2011 06:41
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Have you read Syd Field's Foundations of Screenwriting? If so, he's got an entire section dedicated to replacing the word "camera" with framing terminology. If you haven't read it, then why the hell haven't you read it! Off the top of my head, you can use: Angle On; Wider Angle; POV; Over the Shoulder; Close Shot, and a few others I'm probably forgetting. Oh, and Insert of course. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why it would be harder not to "direct" found footage sequences as opposed to normal scenes. Both instances are equally cinematic.
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Aug 15, 2011 07:16
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I know it's probably a cardinal sin professionally speaking , but I hate using BEAT for silences and especially pauses in dialogue. I actually find it better to have a character "speak" the silence with an ellipsis. I like this because it shows precisely who the focus is supposed to be on during that pause. I only write stuff that I film myself so it's not an issue there. It helps me in remembering certain camera shots without having to mention a specific angle in the script. If not that, I still try to avoid BEAT, except when plotting a sequence with a certain rhythm that I want to get across.
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Aug 16, 2011 03:51
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the Bunt posted:I know it's probably a cardinal sin professionally speaking , but I hate using BEAT for silences and especially pauses in dialogue. A playwriting teacher once told me it was coined by a French director who was actually saying "Pause for a BIT here" or something but people heard it as beat and used it henceforth. That's why I just write "Pause."
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Aug 16, 2011 10:47
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the Bunt posted:I actually find it better to have a character "speak" the silence with an ellipsis. I like this because it shows precisely who the focus is supposed to be on during that pause. I only write stuff that I film myself so it's not an issue there. It helps me in remembering certain camera shots without having to mention a specific angle in the script. Yeah, I used Beat. for a little while but meh, rereading it just seemed to take me out of the scene because it's a term that comes directly from writing. It's the same reason why I refuse to use camera shots or any bullshit technical jargon. Why take someone out of a scene if you can find a better way using language that comes directly from the story's world? (it's also lazy) Anyway, it would seem to me, that in writing, I usually intend an ellipsis to mean a shorter pause, than well, a Pause. That is (to butcher syntax but you'll get the idea): JANE: Johnny...I love you is a shorter delay than: JANE: Johnny. Pause. JANE: (cont.) I love you. I'll even sometimes use Silence. in a situation like this: JOHNNY: Jane, I'm gay. Silence. JANE: Johnny, I hosed your brother. I use Silence. as a response pause almost exclusively (that is, the silence is centered on Jane). I very rarely use it to break up one character's speech. I'll also sometimes do this if I want the pause/silence to be centered on the responder, but I want the pause to be slightly shorter: JOHNNY: Jane, I'm gay. JANE: ...Johnny, I hosed your brother. I don't know if that's proper or whatever but I like the effect and no editor has ever given me poo poo about it. The best thing to do, of course, is just putting an action description line there (assuming one works): JOHNNY: Jane, I'm gay. Jane shrugs. JANE: Johnny, I hosed your brother. If I don't want the shrug to indicate a pause I'll put in in a parenthetical: JOHNNY: Jane, I'm gay. JANE: (shrugging) Johnny, I hosed your brother. Also as for parentheticals, gently caress speech descriptors 99% of the time - god are they lazy and distracting. edit: I'm also one of those assholes who use commas or hyphens depending on the effect or the cause of the pause I want in the speech - yeah I'm that guy but it works drat it, gently caress grammar double edit: I've also seen more lyrical playwrights like Charles Mee use this for a pause, I don't think it really works well for film but here goes: JANE: Johnny. I love you. T-Bone fucked around with this message at 07:07 on Aug 17, 2011 |
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Aug 17, 2011 06:41
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Bonk posted:Also adding some advice here, hope you haven't gotten too far past this point without some fixes yet: That was the top of page 24, I am currently on page 44 I'm hoping to finish the first draft by the end of the month. I'll be giving this three drafts before moving on to my next idea.1) I thought CUT TO: was needed when going from one scene to another? 2) Weird, my book uses commas in situations like that. I used both to clarify the location to the reader. I didn't want somebody to think school playground. 3) Good catch. I always mix those two up. 4) I imagined the whole thing as a series of tracking shots when I wrote it. (1 for the boy/girl running, 1 for the toddler going through the playground and 1 for when Katherine is revealed) 5) Really? I thought it was ok to use things like that as long as you didn't get specific (like a certain time) 6) That was my attempt to keep it short but get the thought across. I think I was able to clear up most of it in the second try at writing it. Carefree abandon is still the big problem. I was thinking the mom playing it up laughing which made the toddler do the same. Where they were in their own little world of joy before Katherine is revealed in the background. That's hard to get across in a few words. I wish there was a set in stone list of screenwriting rules. Seems like everybody has different ideas and it is fun to see how many are broken in a produced script. I read Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon's book on screenwriting and they actually said to write characters for a specific actor (which is one of the biggest no-nos in other screenwriting books I can think of) quote:Your goal is to make the people reading your script picture the MOVIE in their heads. Leave as little to the imagination as possible. If they’re already picturing BEN STILLER and ZACH GALIFIANAKIS before they even GET to the dialogue, how much does that help them picture your movie in their heads? ANSWER: a lot. Again, you’re not writing a novel. Which brings us to the MAGIC word in studio movie character development: Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Aug 20, 2011 |
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Aug 20, 2011 04:01
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I think writing for a specific actor is a double edged sword. It definitely helps WHILE writing to get a better grasp on the character, but you never want to get too attached to that idea. Interestingly, Paul Thomas Anderson does this all the time. He wrote Magnolia with Tom Cruise in mind for the Frank Mackey role, he wrote Punch-Drunk Love with Adam Sandler in mind, and he wrote There Will Be Blood for Daniel-Day Lewis. In that last scenario, he sent a half finished script to Day-Lewis, which gives the impression that if DDL was not down or able to be in it, the movie wouldn't have gotten made. Of course, that's just a fun little anecdote. I don't think anyone in here is PTA.
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Aug 26, 2011 21:31
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I just finished writing a short (13 pages) about two high school kids who find themselves in a horrible situation during a school fire alarm. I definitely need some objective, and honest critique's so if any goons want to read it let me know.
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Aug 27, 2011 22:47
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the Bunt posted:I think writing for a specific actor is a double edged sword. It definitely helps WHILE writing to get a better grasp on the character, but you never want to get too attached to that idea. When it comes to writing for a specific actor, only thing I can think of is the documentary Dreams On Spec. This women, Deborah, quit her job to write and produce her own movie. Who is her first choice actor she is sure she can get which will help get her funding? Adrian Brody. Her whole section was extremely depressing. She goes from all the confidence in the world to everything is going wrong but it's going to turn out ok to nobody is calling me back and my backup writing jobs fell through to her driving around in her car crying her eyes out. She finally dropped out of the documentary after that. TheMilkyNutBall posted:I just finished writing a short (13 pages) about two high school kids who find themselves in a horrible situation during a school fire alarm. I definitely need some objective, and honest critique's so if any goons want to read it let me know. I'm always down to read and critique goon scripts. Send me an email at [removed - script received] Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 21:23 on Aug 28, 2011 |
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Aug 28, 2011 05:40
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TheMilkyNutBall posted:I just finished writing a short (13 pages) about two high school kids who find themselves in a horrible situation during a school fire alarm. I definitely need some objective, and honest critique's so if any goons want to read it let me know. I'll read it. Magic Hate Ball fucked around with this message at 02:09 on Aug 29, 2011 |
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Aug 28, 2011 06:52
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Great, script sent out. EDIT: Be harsh / honest
TheMilkyNutBall fucked around with this message at 20:46 on Aug 28, 2011 |
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Aug 28, 2011 20:42
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It reminds me an awful lot of the scripts I wrote in high school, with the same odd, nonsensical humor and stilted dialogue. Humor and dialogue are two things that are honed over time so on that front I can only advise you to keep writing and, more importantly, listening. How do people talk? How do their thoughts string together? Your characters are spouting words in strings that are advantageous to the advancement of the plot. Naturally, dialogue should advance the plot, but it shouldn't appear to do so. When your characters talk it feels like they are progressing clumsily to a conclusion. You also have a basic issue in that the stakes are not high enough. You don't really have stakes at all, frankly. Adam and Drew's various offenses are really, really minor. A vaguely offensive drawing of a teacher, smoking weed, the dim fear of not going to a Good School, the threat of having a negative mark on their permanent record. Maybe that's the joke, that their issues are minor, but if that's the joke it's not a great one (or should be played up). You do have a couple funny moments ("It's awful...awful, Drew"), but mostly it feels like some sort of high school fantasy, stickin' it to the man and being rescued by an awesome dad. You're also running about ten minutes, which is admittedly average for a short film, but ten minutes can be a long time when there's as little substance as there is in this script. Try to figure out what you're trying to do here. In fact, tell me. What's your goal? What kind of film are you trying to make? Right now it's just a silly mess. There's really no conclusion. The dad comes in and says "nah you're good", then it turns out the Asian kid who turned him in for the drawing was in the bathroom, too. Okay, so? So what? Who gives a poo poo? That's the question you should ask yourself. Tape that to your monitor or something: "WHO GIVES A poo poo?". Try to make your audience give a poo poo. I don't give a poo poo about Adam and Drew right now and that's probably par for the course. Keep this stuff in mind when you rewrite it. Also, there are a few things in your script that really shouldn't be. For one thing you've got some grammar errors, most notably an "it's" in place of an "its" in your first sentence, which is really offputting, and there're a couple others (a "you're"/"your", and I think a "their"/"there"). Keep an eye on this stuff. You're also explicitly describing camera movements, which is generally frowned upon. Try to write descriptions that imply camera movements. Your descriptions are also kind of clumsy in general. "With the reality setting in, Drew practically kicks his stall open and runs over to the sink." And does what? And why? And how does he "practically" kick his stall open? Is he kicking it open or not? What does he do when he gets to the sink? Why does he go to the sink? Maybe he splashes himself in the face with water. Then I'd write it something like this: "Drew suddenly realizes the situation. He slams his stall door open and runs to the sink, twisting the faucet on. He frantically splashes his face with water." Or something like that. Give your descriptions some descriptive oomph. They should be terse but evocative. Screenplays are an infamously dry writing medium and you're not allowed to waste words, so choose them carefully. Magic Hate Ball fucked around with this message at 08:19 on Aug 29, 2011 |
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Aug 29, 2011 08:15
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Great piece by Dan Harmon on writing characters: http://danharmon.tumblr.com/post/9510780192/hi-dan-my-wife-and-i-love-community-and-cant-wait
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Aug 29, 2011 11:52
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I appreciate your honesty, and thanks for reading. I apologize in advance for this response because I'm on my iPhone not my computer. Ok so what I was going for was a light hearted comedy where the characters friendship is at stake (as well as their academic future, but that's not as important). One of my favorite shorts is Wes Anderson's Bottle Rocket (it's on YouTube). I love how sort of subtle story and the dialogue. So I guess that's what I would be striving for - although I don't want to MAKE that film, I just figured that might awnser your question about what 'kind of film I'm trying to make. Also, I wanted to challenge myself by keeping the entire film inside a bathroom. I watched Sydney limet's 12 Angry men and loved how all that drama could be contained in one room. I think the fire alarm setup sets a sort of funny opener for the relationship between two characters. The characters in this draft, I admit, are underdeveloped and the dialogue sometimes doesn't feel true. Also, the ending is innappropriate in terms of tone. From your input, I think my stakes weren't clear enough. Pretty much the only indication of the risk of losing the friendship was Adam saying 'apoligize' a bunch of times. I can't believe that's all that was in there - but hey it's a first draft. So, I'm going focus my story more around these stakes, develop my characters more, maybe drop the guidance counselor flashbacks and add some backstory on the two characters. You know when I write scripts I usually have characters in mind that are based on reality and I write using their voice. With this script I just had the story in mind and this resulted in some really cliche dialogue. Won't make that mistake again - but I'm hopeful because I have two perfect people in mind for the two characters. Thanks again for reading, I do appreciate the honesty (although the high school comment hurt a bit lol).
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Aug 29, 2011 18:07
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Magic Hate Ball covered most of it. Here are some things I wrote down while reading. - I had trouble figuring out that the guidance counselor scenes were a flashback since you didn't mark it as one. In my book, it has (flashback) in the scene line and BACK TO SCENE after the flashback scene. Online, I see people using FLASHBACK TO: (instead of CUT TO:) with BACK TO SCENE after the flashback scene is done. - Beat and pause should be parenthetical in the dialog, not the description. If it is essential for it to be in the description, give us more than one word. - If Buck was forced to install the smoke detectors in the bathroom, why didn't he put them up but not enable them? If the school found out that it was his smoke zone, why didn't they fire him? - Buck is buddy quipping, dad, buddy quipping. You should stabilize his character. - Keep Dickin', Adam (just kidding - Real line: Stay out of trouble boys.)  NEVER EVER DO THIS!!!!Too much of the script is cliche and it had no payoff. That doesn't mean that the entire thing is worthless. Mr. Mitchell seemed interesting. Maybe if you reworked the story into the two boys trying to find out what is off about Mr. Mitchell, you would have something. Call Me Charlie fucked around with this message at 18:36 on Aug 29, 2011 |
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Aug 29, 2011 18:27
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Every point you mentioned is spot on. Sometimes I'm annoyed because I feel like I can't really get honest, blunt critique's like this from my friends. The beauty of the anonymity of the internet, I suppose. If any of you know any other resources online that has it where you can post scripts and get critiques from other writers, please post 'em. This has been so helpful. I thought I took the 'dicking thing out of this draft  makes me cringe. Forget you saw it.About your suggestion of making it what's wrong with Mrs. Mitchell - It is interesting but I think I want to keep it more along the lines of the relationship between the two characters. I also don't see how that would be relevant to the characters when they are stuck in a fire alarm (in other words, they'd be more concerned about getting the hell out than worrying over their guidance counselor). Well, I guess I'll keep on writing 
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Aug 29, 2011 19:07
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