SA Quotes Thread II: Just lie back and think of goatse

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Post Your Favorite (or Request) > SA Quotes Thread II: Just lie back and think of goatse

Mans: Sep 14, 2011

Adulterous Hitler posted:

Ramsey scores v Utd: Bin Laden dies.
Ramsey v Spurs: Steve Jobs dies.
Ramsey v Marseille: Gaddafi dies.
Ramsey v Sunderland: Whitney Houston dies.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 02:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 19, 2013 08:34

Farbtoner: May 17, 2011; by Y Kant Ozma Post

Lowtax is really bringing his A-game in To Catch a Redditor:

Lowtax posted:

quote:
When did SA become a hotbed of puritanism and HQ for the Internet good behavior brigade? Did #anonops get shut down or something?

you're an idiot. SA has always been against the shittiest, most worthless, disgusting poo poo on the internet (excluding us, naturally). As the person who started the site and has known what it has been about since day 1, I can confidently say you are a retard and have no idea what you're talking about and I hope you find a pit and fall into the pit and get stuck in the pit and the pit collapses upon you and you are stuck in this pit forever or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first

Lowtax posted:

Ah yes, I recall the gloriously famous "Hot 3D Infant Wieners" forum we had back in 1999...

Lowtax posted:

oh no, quick boys, lets start wearing halloween masks and DDoSing the rest of the internet

Lowtax posted:

that's pretty funny but on a serious note, I'd like to share with you guys something that has seriously changed my life: mangosteen juice.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 02:34

Trig Discipline: Jun 3, 2008; Please leave the room if you think this might offend you

Farbtoner posted:

Lowtax is really bringing his A-game in To Catch a Redditor:

The tag just changed too:

Trig Discipline fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2012 around 02:43

# ? Feb 13, 2012 02:41

The Fresh Prince: Dec 9, 2009; #25 Barry Bongs

Trig Discipline posted:

The tag just changed too:

Holy poo poo

# ? Feb 13, 2012 02:44

Critical: Aug 22, 2007; I would never tell you anything that wasn't absolutely true
that didn't come right from His
mouth and He wants me to tell you

This is the best day.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 02:53

saberwulf: Mar 3, 2009; Pipe rifles and snack cakes.

The quotes coming out of that thread are gold.

Spaceman Future! posted:

I have no idea how to post in FYAD, is there like a training manual? Its like wandering into some bar and everyone is speaking yiddish and throwing live chickens around while "Fade into you" blasts in the background. I just have no loving clue where to start.

Also from the same thread(context: Jamie Kennedy made a documentary about Uwe Boll punching Lowtax into the mat in a boxing match):

Lowtax posted:

Fun fact: I never even knew that documentary existed until one night I fell asleep watching Showtime, and I was woken up by my own voice on that movie. It was a very surreal feeling that I honestly can't describe sufficiently.

NITOS FLAME KEEPER posted:

Was it like getting a boner when you were sitting down to take a poo, and your weiner hits the edge of the bowl?

Lowtax posted:

More like when you're jacking off and you hear your mom opening the door

HOW COULD YOU posted:

And your mom has your face and voice

This is a reoccurring dream of mine

saberwulf fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2012 around 03:08

# ? Feb 13, 2012 03:02

Too Poetic: Nov 28, 2008; BATH SALTS BATH SALTS BATH SALTS ***SNNNNRT*** I FUCKEN LOVE BATH SALTS GIMME MORE FUKKIN BATH SALTS I CAN'T GOD DAMN SHUT UP ABOUT THE BATH SALTS

Does anyone have any of Keep it Real's old banmes? I'm looking for the one where he brings up collateral damage if anyone remembers the one I'm talking about.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 03:03

Macaluso: Sep 23, 2005; I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG, BROTHER!

The redditor thread has so many quotes it's impossible to contain them all.

This was in response to a guy who got a custom title, who I'm pretty sure got it for tweeting a joke that someone tweeted before him:

BeardMaster420 posted:

To the thief above: you know who you are and what you have done. confess to the crime or sign here *points to your chest* for an epic delivery of punishing blows from my gorgeous fists and legs

BeardMaster420 posted:

just got off the horn with my jailed dad who is frothing at the mouth to sic his jail pals on this guy. All I Have to do is say the word.

Moxie Omen posted:

sorry to hear about your cool dad

BeardMaster420 posted:

Feel sorry for the sad sack who is going to get his head turned to pulp for pulling a fast one on some poor twitter soul who only wanted to make a good joke and have a nice time.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 03:12

A GLISTENING HODOR: Aug 8, 2009; lemoncakes?
lemoncakes?fucking lemoncakes?
stop POSTING about FUCKING LEMONCAKES

Reddit pedo thread. Hits keep coming:

(on the mens rights movement)

mind the walrus posted:

Oh poo poo son. OH poo poo SON! Best watch out or else MALES are going to tear up this oppressive female-dominated society.

Breakfast All Day posted:

I heard congress and fortune 500 ceos are planning a sit-in on a womens shelter.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 03:35

The Glumslinger: Sep 24, 2008; A true leader of men

Farbtoner posted:

Lowtax is really bringing his A-game in To Catch a Redditor:

I lost it at the mangosteen joke

I think you can guess the thread at this point

TJO posted:

First they came for the child pornography.

Then they just left it at that because drat son that's like a whole different ball game to everything else.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 04:21

TheBigBudgetSequel: Nov 25, 2008; Space Batman
is sick of your shit.

This is the best thread. Lowtax responds to a screencap from Reddit that says he doesn't moderate enough, and therefore shouldn't call out Reddit for not moderating.

Lowtax posted:

wait, I always thought the popular complaint was that our mods / admins do TOO MUCH? That everybody gets banned for everything and the SA Forums exist just to siphon 10-dollar bills from the pockets of the weak and stupid? Now it's the opposite? What a wacky world we live in, where up is down and black is white and babies are hot

The last line is what gets me.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 04:48

MildManeredManikin: Aug 10, 2011; I just think we owe him a few words, that's all.

quote:

Won't someone think of the ch....

quote:

If there is one problem we have clearly discovered today, its that way too many people are thinking of the children.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 04:51

Nucleic Acids: Apr 10, 2007

Vaah posted:

What_reddit_believes.png

This has truly been a day to remember.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 04:58

The Glumslinger: Sep 24, 2008; A true leader of men

TheBigBudgetSequel posted:

This is the best thread. Lowtax responds to a screencap from Reddit that says he doesn't moderate enough, and therefore shouldn't call out Reddit for not moderating.

The last line is what gets me.

Every so often, Lowtax reminds us that he wrote those humor articles that made this site popular in the first place

# ? Feb 13, 2012 04:59

voltaireisanazi: Jan 7, 2007

Truly, it is the best thread.

R.L. Stine posted:

Thanks for triggering my adult onset pedophilia

Tony Danza Claus posted:

Real Talk:

I just surgically grafted a boner onto my boner so I could properly express how I feel.

Mywhatacleanturtle posted:

Like, did you double them up side by side, or did you graft it from the tip to form some sort of super-dong? Seriously man, I need the deets.

They just keep coming.

Chamale posted:

First they came for the pedophiles, and it was pretty cool. Then they came for the ephebophiles, despite their equivocation. That was also pretty cool.

voltaireisanazi fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2012 around 06:03

# ? Feb 13, 2012 05:06

Synnr: Dec 29, 2009

I'm not even going to try to quote all the goodness coming out of that reddit thread. Someone linked it out of another thread and then....oh my.

Besides, this caught my eye:

ANGRY TEEN posted:

I dub you "The Gut Tenderizer." Anytime you're feeling down, think to yourself, "I am 'The Gut Tenderizer,' ruiner of wombs!"

Find a preggers chick and go to town. When you're in as deep as you can go press your face to her belly and holler into her, "I'm taking top bunk, motherfucker!"

# ? Feb 13, 2012 05:28

Maxwell Lord: Dec 12, 2008; I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.

From that thread:

Jaweeeblop posted:

You've obviously never been to Bangkok.

Command Ant posted:

I tried spending one night there. It turned me humble, and all of the tough guys I brought with me ended up crumbling.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 05:35

Maxwell Lord: Dec 12, 2008; I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die.

I hope we both die.

Wait. Also this:

Casimir Radon posted:

You see me now a veteran of a thousand jailbait wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the spergs of Reddit roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

# ? Feb 13, 2012 05:44

HOW COULD YOU: Jun 1, 2006; THAT WAS MY FAVORITE SOCKPUPPET!

Reddit thread

cochise posted:

Tony will be the boogeyman reddit users warn their kids about, right before they abuse them.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 05:57

The Glumslinger: Sep 24, 2008; A true leader of men

FreudianSlippers posted:

Is a man not entitled to the child-pornography of his sub-reddit?
"No!" says the SA goon "you are really creepy"
"No!" says the the man from corporate "we are getting bad press"
"No!" says the man from the FBI "you are under arrest."

Its the classical forms that make for the best jokes

# ? Feb 13, 2012 07:16

blankoblanco: Apr 3, 2009

from the reddit pedo thread that keeps on giving

The Saddest Rhino posted:

What is a 4+ year old SA user doing here I thought we are all adults.

HOW COULD YOU posted:

poo poo I hope those guys aren't masturbating to us

IT'S OUR REGISTRATION DATES OK WE ARE NOT SEXY KIDS

# ? Feb 13, 2012 07:57

AtomD: May 3, 2009; and you'd be too, if you were me.

crazylakerfan posted:

Every so often, Lowtax reminds us that he wrote those humor articles that made this site popular in the first place

Just a friendly reminder to follow him on twitter.

@lowtax posted:

@ABigBagOfKeys I thought this was "Something Awful" not "Something CHILD PORN IS BAD WE LOVE JESUS & TIM TEBOW"

# ? Feb 13, 2012 10:57

Super Waffle: Sep 25, 2007; I'm a hermaphrodite and my parents (40K nerds) named me Slaanesh, THANKS MOM

Monster w21 Faces posted:

Solution seems simple to me. No TV, no sugar, no natural light, 6 hours mandatory time in the spike box. That'll straighten him out.

I can't wait to be a Dad.

My child's final test will be to murder me and eat my heart.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 16:04

Francostein: Aug 31, 2008; BIG OL' FAGGOT
WHO CAN'T POST WORTH A DAMN

I love good burns.

Chemtrail Clem posted:

i have been using my AIM account HotAsianCheerleaderBigBoobFYADLurkergirl to collect FYAD dick pics for years, starting with spokker jones dick snapshot in futuristic themed bathroom stall in the space mountain ride

wet dick posted:

this cant be true because no ones ever asked to see my dick

The Young Haoma posted:

isnt that the truth rofl

wet dick posted:

gently caress

From this FYAD thread:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...4#post400539236

# ? Feb 13, 2012 18:56

Angry Avocado: Jun 6, 2010

Reddit thread:

Filthy Haiku posted:

I prefer the idea that Lowtax is some sort of unholy mangosteen fueled lich perched atop a throne of redditor skulls.

SpazmasterX posted:

World of Warcraft: Wrath of The Lich Kyanka

Supercar Gautier posted:

Dear Lichard,

# ? Feb 13, 2012 19:24

boo_radley: Dec 30, 2005; Politeness costs nothing

Something Awful Dot Com

That thread is probably how my parents felt about Woodstock.

edit: Tony Danza Claus' new title is pretty amazing:

Who's your Jew Goon, TDC?

boo_radley fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2012 around 19:45

# ? Feb 13, 2012 19:32

Brother Jonathan: Jun 23, 2008; Keep on Truckin'

This Lowtax quote was already listed, but it is much better with context:

DidntClickGuy (on Reddit) posted:

Do NOT give these retards your attention. I've been on the Internet a long time, but I've never seen a group of deluded, bootlicking numbskulls as bad as these guys. They sincerely believe that if they find some way to deliver a serious blow to Reddit, they'll become a more attractive place for bored people on the Internet to waste their time - for a small fee, of course.

See, the shitheels over at the Something Awful forums pay 10 bux so they can access all sections of the site, ostensibly free of censorship, but really the people who run the place are so sensitive to criticism that they ban anyone who engages in it. And what else do you get for your money? You get a wonderful opportunity to be used as a testing group by various marketing interests, none of which inform you in advance that they intend to do that. All of the sudden, there's some interesting testimonial by an admin or moderator about some wonderful product that they just stumbled upon and boy isn't it just so great. And the amazing thing is that hundreds of users will actually pee all over themselves to jump at the chance to agree! It's just so sad.

Lowtax posted:

that's pretty funny but on a serious note, I'd like to share with you guys something that has seriously changed my life: mangosteen juice.

# ? Feb 13, 2012 20:33

saberwulf: Mar 3, 2009; Pipe rifles and snack cakes.

From the Cosplay Thread:

Android Bicyclist posted:

Seems like a good enough place to put this.

BaronVanAwesome posted:

That's a really bad R2-D2 beside her. Did they even try?

# ? Feb 14, 2012 01:34

Aleksei Vasiliev: May 7, 2007; Fuck the cowboys. Unf. Fuck em hard.

OldTennisCourt posted:

Troll!' said I, `poster of poo poo - morality police, if goon or devil!
By that admin that bends above us - by those subreddits we adore -
Tell this poster with orange fingers, Dew stained shirt, ragged and torn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden, a underage maiden with green hair and kawaii form
Clasp a rare and radiant love pillow, with open arms and petite form
Quoth the goon, `Child porn.'

`See the rage comic I am tracing!!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into your foul paid forum, moderated and scorned!
Leave none of my manga's spines broken as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the wall scroll above my door!
Take thy posts from off my forum, and leave my karma intact and unshorn!'
Quoth the goon 'Child porn.'

And the goon, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the bust of Aerith just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my karma lies fleeting, my computer chair's seating, lies broken on the floor
And the subreddits are closed forever due to...child porn!

# ? Feb 14, 2012 01:44

Mr. Pumroy: May 20, 2001; _{how i wonder what you are}

That's the best loving thing I've ever read.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 02:53

The Saddest Rhino: Apr 29, 2009

Also from the reddit thread

OldTennisCourt posted:

Under Reddit
Under Reddit
Nobody troll us
Ban us and rip us
For being weird
We what the goons above like to troll
Under Reddit we got /r/soul
We get to tempt fate
With pictures of jailbait
Under Reddit
Under Reddit

# ? Feb 14, 2012 03:09

Lance Streetman: Feb 20, 2011; Who needs armor when you've got mittens?

From the Insane Vegan gently caress Machines thread:

Rough Lobster posted:

Yeah, so anyways I was just sittin' there snackin' on some Swedish fish (made with cruelty free carnuba wax, not gelatin, bub) and my lady friend walks in. It's clear from the way she's eyeballing my package that she wants to get down and dirty. Now, she's a vegan too, but that doesn't mean she don't crave the daily sausage infusion, if you catch my drift. Anywho we move to the couch since the bed frame broke in half two nights ago (long story) and we start to get freaky. We decide not to put another crack in the foundation so we're takin' things slow when she suddenly stops me, concern in her eyes. "Baby, what's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing...I thought for a minute I heard 'A Love So Beautiful' by Roy Orbison, but I turned the radio off just before..." I silence her with a finger, and unzip my pants. Her breath catches in her throat as the song grows louder as my engorged man-log is exposed, veins rippling and twitching along the surface. "I've reached Super Vegan level 3," I whisper. "My dangler plays thematically appropriate lovemaking music now." A devilish grin plays on her face and we resume.

Our combined climaxes register a 4.2 on the Richter scale, puzzling area scientists for years to come.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 05:05

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; I already miss my old avatar...

From the "Soul Crushing Things People Have Said To You" thread in GBS:

Manifest posted:

During my divorce my ex-wife once told me that I was too much of a nerd for her, and the thought of me sitting at my desk wearing a headset and playing videogames "made her vagina dry out like the mojave."

doesn't even cover it.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 06:17

SpazmasterX: Jul 13, 2006; MORE ROBUST THAN EVER BEFORE

Angry Avocado posted:

Reddit thread:

Finally, I am immortalized in the quotes thread.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 06:49

Cup of Hemlock: Jan 31, 2010; Oski Wow-Wow!
Whiskey Wee-Wee!
Olee! Muckie-eye!
Olee! Berkeley-eye!
California! Wow!

From the Idiots on Facebook thread, about "nice guys."

Moot1234 posted:

Oh woe is me! Why can't she see how nice of a guy I am? I've been her shoulder to cry on when other assholes treat her like poo poo. Why can't she just realize that we're meant to be together. She should literally be required to have sex with my obese pasty blubbery body for as much time as I've spent being her friend. I could show her animes and deleted scenes from MLP that she could only dream about.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 07:11

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; Take my hand, and I will lead you from this godforsaken internet

From the GBS Redditcaust thread:

Harvey Mantaco posted:

I just went to Reddit for the first time tonight.

Every time I click anything it ends up being about Ron Paul, even the links that don't say they are about Ron Paul. You watch a video that catches your eye and near the end it turns out it was a huge setup telling you to vote Ron Paul.
Goddamn, you think you finally find a link that isn't about Ron Paul... "This is just cat pictures" you think. You click it and this cat picture comes up. Something is wrong though, something doesn't quite seem right. You decode it and look at the metadata. Says to vote for Ron Paul. I run into the bedroom to tell the wife, she pulls down her magazine - it's Ron Paul. I try to scream by my mouth is now Ron Paul.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 08:36

Crimsonjewfro: Jul 12, 2008; I can't even afford an avatar

Lance Streetman posted:

From the Insane Vegan gently caress Machines thread:

From the same thread. drat, that 3rd paragraph... quoting it just for the sheer sexological catalog.

EllisD posted:

I'm still not sure why PETA gets so much exposure every time one of their employees concocts another shallow marketing strategy. A lot of us don't want it to be effective, but it clearly is considering how every maneuver is broadcast to the world.

PETA is seriously the Westboro Baptist Church of animal welfare groups in the way they thrive on media exposure and are quite shameless in everything they do. That's kind of the point in being radical: you don't give a flying gently caress what the mainstream thinks about you. I'm not sure why people don't realize this and think exposing their insanity accomplishes anything except stroking the ego of the organization and validating their existence.

I have hosed people with every kind of weird diet you could imagine, and in my experience vegans are a dull bunch who climax too soon, second only to people with gluten allergies because they do nothing but complain until I lose interest. People on Atkins have no stamina, while no added sugar guys have the most raw natural energy. Low fat dieters can go the longest and liquid dieters have a hard time getting their meat up. Vegetarians have sex more often at older ages, and guys who avoid red meat taste just like chicken.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 11:47

Trillian: Sep 14, 2003

SpazmasterX posted:

Finally, I am immortalized in the quotes thread.

This is the least cool thing you can possibly do in this thread, just fyi

# ? Feb 14, 2012 19:13

Hooplah: Jul 15, 2006; fuck money
smoke bitches
get trees

^ Same vegan thread:

Yaos posted:

I eat nothing but fungal spores and I've had sex with over 50,000 women. I'm also an African warlord and I'm starving to death, please send us food, I don't want to pirate any more.

VanSandman posted:

From the "Soul Crushing Things People Have Said To You" thread in GBS:

doesn't even cover it.

Also I loving love that thread. Goons get owned so goddamn hard like every day and I don't even think the majority of them realize how hilariously pathetic they look. Am I supposed to be laughing at that thread so hard? I mean come on

Luminous Cow posted:

I was about 14 or 15. I was sitting in the living room playing Final Fantasy 9. My dad came out of his room, and said, "You're going to grow up to be nothing. You're going to be a fat blob. You'll be nothing other than a fat piece of poo poo."

My dad was a prick.

e: Ahahaha a few posts down:

MerchantOfChaos posted:

(Eavesdropping in) "I'm really quite glad MerchantOfChaos is moving out, I'm tired of my house being the Hotel for Losers."

Thanks for that, Stepmom.

I really just don't have much luck with maternal parental figures.

Hooplah fucked around with this message at Feb 14, 2012 around 19:19

# ? Feb 14, 2012 19:15

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 19, 2013 08:34

ItalicSquirrels: Feb 15, 2007; What?

Trillian posted:

This is the least cool thing you can possibly do in this thread, just fyi

And he's been immortalized for it in the quotes thread.

# ? Feb 14, 2012 19:15

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Post Your Favorite (or Request) > SA Quotes Thread II: Just lie back and think of goatse