SA Quotes Thread II: Just lie back and think of goatse

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Post Your Favorite (or Request) > SA Quotes Thread II: Just lie back and think of goatse

Talby: Nov 28, 2002

[MOD EDIT]: New rules as of August 11, 2011.
All posts should contain, request, or discuss SA forums quotes.
Extended derails will be terminated.*
Don't shitpost or debate stupid things no one cares about; either or take it to D&D.

* This means that if a mod pops in and says "quit it guys" you should quit it or probations will be handed out. If you want a mod to come in and do that, report a derail post or PM one of us & say something like "Can you stop this derail please?"
[/MOD EDIT]

[MOD EDIT]: I changed the requirements of the thread. Please try to include quotes, but discussion is allowed. If you can't find a good quote to put in your post, but want to ask a question, go right ahead. I find that much less annoying than someone just posting a bullshit quote so they can ask a question.

[/MOD EDIT]

Hey, it's that time again! I got permission from Childlike Empress to reopen the quotes thread. Hopefully there will be far less tomfoolery this time around. To start out, a new one and a couple favorites from last thread.

Gay Poops posted:

Basket of Kittens posted:

To be fair, that'd tire anyone out.

quote:

The Motherfucking Flash

Now, I don't know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his rear end. He's that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fun master of not much, but instead he's the hottest poo poo to ever poo poo on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of gently caress you batman. That's Batman.

But the loving Flash, my god, my loving GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman's powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that loving hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

Ok first off, he can travel at lightspeed. Mother gently caress! Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Arizona. That's loving fast. But wait! The ability to move at Lightspeed just isn't loving enough!

I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the cock and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into poo poo but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, fucker) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or loving EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He's the loving Flash.

Now imagine that somehow there's someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it's going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.

But wait! There's more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don't even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let's say Flash is fighting Superman and poo poo he's going to lose and gently caress how is Superman THIS loving strong? I don't know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him good, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! gently caress you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet loving russia! RUSH-A! Bitch.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn't fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You'd think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he's even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks cock and should go die in a freak greasefire.

seebs posted:

Actual content: Most cats can be rebooted. If you've ever had to deal with a cat who wanted to mess with something, they can be pretty persistant in trying to get at it after you hide it. Solution: Reboot the cat. Basically, you have to give it a handful of stimuli too fast for it to process them without forgetting what it was doing. For most cats I've had, that's about three things. My usual process: Pick the cat up, blow in its face, drop it (not like throwing it, just let it down pretty fast), then snap your fingers once on each side of its head.

If this works, the cat will just sit there for a few seconds, then maybe lick itself, and walk off. It will not go back to trying to do what it was doing. If it does, add another step to the process, and you'll probably have something that works for that cat. Most cats, it seems to be 3-4 items, though.

(This may not sound useful, but seriously, it has been a HUGE win for me.)

Noni posted:

Can you reboot a dog?

Cojawfee posted:

Wait 30 seconds.

Noni posted:

poo poo. He just went straight into safe mode.

Somebody fucked around with this message at Aug 11, 2011 around 21:38

# ? Dec 14, 2010 19:01

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 25, 2013 11:20

The Macaroni: Dec 20, 2002; ...it does nothing.

A Stern Mod Warning: this thread is for posting funny quotes from other parts of SA. It is not for flaming, arguing, belittling other posters, or otherwise being an rear end in a top hat. It's also not for commentary--"That's not funny!" "Yes it is!" "No it isn't!" and so forth.

For the moment I'm not imposing any more rules, but there will be nasty probation for people who can't act in a mature fashion.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 19:22

nullandvoid: Mar 7, 2006; Dog Sex is Hawt!

From the first page of the last thread:

Evan 'Pantsfish' Wade posted:

Dear Kantaris,

First I'd like to say thank you for mustering your courage and posting your story in Creative Convention. Between all this "natural talent" and "good material" every now and then we need what literary types call "a sun-ripened catbox full of pig intestines" to relax with.

Second of all I'd like to say my thank you was insincere and that you are arguably the biggest enjoyable human being to vomit his bullshit all over what is generally a good fiction forum. Without reading - without so much as scanning - this forum, you decided you'd drop off your Vin-Diesel-Meets-Monopoly-Man-Meets-THE-UNFUNNIEST-loving-BUNCH-OF-poo poo story off here so we would "appreciate" it for you.

Well guess what, Kantaris: Nobody appreciated this piece of poo poo. I read this and my balls shriveled up inside my stomach. This story is awful. It's so bad - so outright terrible - my finger's itching to go under your name and click the "permaban" button on principle. I won't do that because I have self-restraint, something you clearly lack.

How do I know you lack it? Because you shat this out and didn't even stop to think you might delete it before you embarrass yourself. You just thought "hey, I had this TOTALLY FUCKIN RANDOM conversation with my brosef at work, better post it up for them folks at that Creative Forum". If I were you, I personally wouldn't have the time or capacity to post this. Why? Because as soon as it came off my fingers, onto the keyboard, my hands would be occupied propping a shotgun under my chin.

You wretch. You low-down, yellow-bellied cocksucker. My one hope in this life used to be to gently caress Christina Ricci in one of those mirrored-ceiling hotels. Not now. You wanna know what it is? Do you? I hope - I pray to Christ, Kantaris - that I come across an auto accident involving you and your family. I hope that the last thing you see before you die is me impaling your newborn son's head on a broken part of your car's frame. I hope that the last sound that crosses the barrier to your ears before the lights go out is the splootching sound my erect penis makes as it repeatedly penetrates the gushing wound in your wife's throat.

And you know the worst part? You think this is funny. Something so bad has happened in your life that you looked at this and you were proud enough to think - just for a second - that this is something worthwhile. You know what, Kantaris? The people who write "Drawn Together" would snub this. Pictures of old women being violently raped with Medieval weaponry are infinitely funnier than this story could ever hope to be. I'd rather watch my chronically depressed mother swing neck-first from a ceiling fan than I would ever read this again.

You ruined my forum, Kantaris. You ruined my life's one dream. You ruined fiction. All in one fell swoop, Kantaris. I hope it was worth it.

Regards, you loving scoundrel,

Evan "Pantsfish" Wade

So visceral.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 19:40

CoolZidane: Jun 24, 2008

I'm glad to see a new Quotes thread. Always good for a laugh.

From the thread "Why do idiots text while driving?"

Huns posted:

I text while driving because I am a stupid gay baby. I cannot wait another 15 minutes to interact with my attention-surrogate machine because I am a thoroughly defective human being. I can't fathom why it is that anyone thinks it's a problem. I mean, I'm just driving around in a 3,000 pound battering ram with 80 pounds of explosive liquid on board. Part of me realizes that texting while driving is idiotic, yet the idea of "being told what to do" disgusts me. Therefore, I have to prove to the world (and myself, although I can't admit that part to myself) what an extraordinary human being I am. I'm going to take my attention off my rolling bomb and update my friend on something so incredibly trivial that no one in his or her right mind would put themselves or others in danger in order to communicate it in the most optically distracting way possible. You see, I literally can't perceive that it's dangerous to do that. I am such a self-absorbed twat that I find it totally cool to deprive myself and everyone around me of what little safety margin we have on the road because I can't stand not getting instant satisfaction from my shiny object. This is the decision I make every single time I get on the road.

In short, gently caress you. I'm an American, goddamnit. An American.

From "Who greenlighted this poo poo? Part the third: Sucking harder for 2010"

Happy Noodle Boy posted:

dreadnought posted:
CineD's solution to improving every movie: make it as unnecessarily and uncharacteristically violent as possible.

"Hey guys wouldn't Marmaduke have been totally AWESOME if instead of a kids movie it was a gritty, hard-R splatterhouse flick where a huge mutated dog goes on a bloody rampage throughout a town and kills a bunch of kids???"

You make it sound like your games of Monopoly didn't end violently when your brother and mother sell each other properties at an undervalued price to monopolize a lane while you stick to your railroad and utilities monopoly and no dad you can't have the missing property from the green properties let me go grab some water gently caress YOU DAD I SAW YOU TAKE FROM THE BANK YOU'RE EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG THIS COUNTRY GOD drat IT 3 DOUBLES WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT RULE IS THIS AAAAASAAARGH.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 20:47

Narmi: Feb 26, 2008

Thanks for the new quotes thread. Hopefully it won't end up like the ones before it.

Anyways, quotes:

From an E/N thread about where the OP slept with 100 people:

lizardman posted:

I can't remember what was going on in my internal monologue that led me to do this but on my 26th birthday I mentally estimated how many sex partners I've likely had in my lifetime and my eyebrows reflexively raised when I realized that if I hadn't already crossed the century mark then I'm at least pretty darned close. I then had possibly the weirdest feeling I've ever had: I don't know if it's necessarily a bad feeling, but I know it's not something I feel proud of, certainly not a feeling I'd call good. It's mostly a big ball of confusion. I guess what it is is that I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it.

Here's the things I do know and some other things that may be relevant:
- My first impression that it sounds like a lot to me.
(I'm kind of hoping someone will chime in with "I'm in a band/an athlete and have gang bang orgies at every tour stop, you're just an amateur" or something)
- Up to this point I've never considered myself a promiscuous person.
- I'm a dude.
- I'm bi and my man-to-woman ratio is nearly ten-to-one in the mens' corner (I've been with about a dozen women)
- I like to think I'm pretty responsible when it comes to sex but the first and only time I've been tested for STDs was last year. I've been lucky to never have had symptoms of for any diseases.
- Virtually all of my sex partners have been one-timers or on-again-off-again gently caress buddies. I'm currently in my first relationship that's lasted any real amount of time (half a year now)
- I honestly haven't been especially attracted to a sizable portion of my sex partners; many, many times I just had sex because the occasion arose and only a fool turns down sex, right? And eh, this person's do-able I guess.

As I type this, I realize it's probably the last two points that are what's bothering me. I feel like I've given my body to too many people that didn't deserve it and I just settled for the sake of a quick thrill. I guess that's what the shame of being called a slut feels like. Hmmmm.

Also, I wonder what a Darfur war orphan would say if I told him/her I've had sex with 100 different people? Probably, "that's nice, can you let me have some of that sandwich I'm starving, oh by the way that's how many times I've been raped."

Nodrog posted:

stop loving random people problem solved

ReleasetheKracker! posted:

You aren't bi, you are just entirely lacking in standards.

Also, not sure where it came from, but Shasta Orabge Soda quoted this:

quote:

While on the topic of my cats, this is more of a weird thing. Believe it or not, my cats understand English, and can somewhat speak some of it (very sparsely, of course. No conversations being held.). The oldest one does this the most though. Simply put, no hand gestures or any other pet communication method thing is necessary, just ask or tell them and they do or respond accordingly. One time the cats even toyed around with talking, by looking in their bowl, and after my sister asked what he (the oldest cat) wanted, he responded saying "water", though with a feline accent. He got what he wanted, and thus he learned well. That same cat, I believe along with the other cats in the house, probably have taught as much as they know of the human tongue to the other animals in the property, because, they even respond similarly. It's weird. And in case a 'treaty' is broken between the household cats and the wild animals, I suppose, my oldest cat yells at, or more like yodels at intruding animals (mostly other cats) out of the property line. It sounds weird if you're not used to it, but pretty funny to witness.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 21:52

Eggplant Wizard: Jul 8, 2005; I was getting sick of seeing that.

Say what you will, I like me a good your mom joke, and SubG is a master at his craft.

FlashGordonRamsay posted:

When it's spelled chipotle do you expect people to say it chi-potl?

SubG posted:

That depends on whether or not the person pronouncing it is your Mom and whether or not she has my dick down her throat at the time.

FlashGordonRamsay posted:

If its yours, I doubt it reaches past the teeth.

SubG posted:

Yeah, I do keep my dick out of the glass in the bathroom.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 22:03

Hexum: Jul 23, 2003

This is and will always be the best post ever made on these forums:

quote:

GRAEY ALIEN

Oh heyyyy you, didnt see you there LOL Well, my story? Me Ashley Brooke heather all coming back from a second rate danceclub new haven ct. omg all dying in the ride from the fun stories about the guys of the night and also all absolutely dyin for really fresh tender goose meat. ash would NOT shut up about it and we so had a craving. i played it real cool like lol i dunno lol where could we get some? no where? then......when my absolut FAVVVVV regina spek. song comes on "UH hey babes *lifts up skirt* pushed a Goose meat slab slowly right out on the exterior of the backseat!! I had stored a bunch of fresh dark goose meat up my pussy before we left and had it up inside my pussy the whole night!! haha I was *goosh some out slowly to one friend* and then pointin my pussy at the other girls *goosh in her direction out the pussy* we were all howling with laughter and the grizly juices were pouring down our chins as we indulged ourselves some goose meat was still trickling out from the deeper parts of my Pussy when i get home. memories!!np - green day - time of our lives

# ? Dec 14, 2010 22:10

voltaireisanazi: Jan 7, 2007

I'm so glad this thread is back

Johnny Drama posted:

If a picture is worth a thousand words, someone just said "douchebag" a whole bunch

BEAR-A-CHUTE:

AlbertGator posted:

silly the whole point was that it was pocket sized, who'd want to lug around a bear all day

MrPazzah posted:

But you don't know it's a bear until you open it and then you're like "oh no it's a bear."

"Forum changes"

MTW posted:

Are you going to add an option to turn back on the old look?

Lowtax posted:

We're going to have an option where you can click it and a parrot flies to your house and reads you all the threads and then explodes in a shower of candy and you have good luck for the next seven days

Scotsman posted:

I have a Hulk Hogan avatar on Stars.

emilia20: my three year old daughter isn't watching the monitor
emilia20: but I screamed "YOU ARE SUCH A DONKEY FISH"
emilia20: and she came over to the monitor
emilia20: and pointed to the Hulk Hogan avatar.
emilia20: she's going to be so smart.
Scotsman71: she's prolly gonna be a big fat w.hore.
Scotsman71: and i will use the money I win off you to see her v.agina.
Scotsman71: and pour gasoline inside it.

My chats now banned.

Someone suggested what if immigrants come to the states, realize they don't have to work as hard as they thought, and then they leech off the system, blah blah. The post made it do helldump, and received this response:

DO YALL WANT A HAM posted:

and what if those people could fly, and they brought a dragon with them named george, and he blocked cell phone reception and declared himself the prime minister and ate edmonton and pooped out glass, would i be a racist then, liberals

Rei_ posted:

cuban lynx posted:
My brother had a slammer with a picture of O.J. Simpson behind bars and it said "O.J.'s in the Slammer."

Hahahaha, this post is so loving 90's that I expected it to be written on a slap-bracelet.

# ? Dec 14, 2010 22:52

General Probe: Dec 28, 2004; Has this been done before?

From the E/N thread about polyamory:

Confused Disturbed posted:

I live with my husband, a dog, and a number of cats.

Cuzin Roman lmao posted:

You mention that your husband is a dog and that you live with a number of cats. I take it this is what you mean by "polyamorous" but are you ever intimate with any of them or do you consider them to be family?

It is, like all threads about polyamory in the past, hilarious.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 00:55

RandomFerret: Apr 18, 2008; WHAT IS A JUGGALO?
A HULKAMANIAC

HE POWERBOMBS MOTHERFUCKERS INTO THUMBTACKS

From the weird fanart thread. A post seven years in the making.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 02:58

The Tao Jones: Oct 9, 2007; What's a hole doing in my TARDIS?

A thread was trying to come up with stupid stories that would out-Twilight Twilight, suggesting things like mummies or zombies. The idea of centaurs came up, resulting in the following gem:

quote:

by Neva Ben Leighed

Ella watched as Roland's silky mane of beautiful hair shimmered in the sunlight like a mane of beautiful hair. He was so beautiful, even though he looked angry and distracted.
"Are you angry and distracted?" asked Ella, wondering if he was angry or distracted.
Roland grimaced. Ella's heart skipped a beat. Then it started again. Then it skipped another beat. Ella froze. Was Roland so beautiful that he was giving her a heart attack? No, there it goes. "Maybe it was beating all along and I was just distracted by his shimmering hair, pretty like a pony," she thought to herself. "or maybe I'm just loving retarded."
Roland broke the silence. "No, my precious salt lick, I am not angry. I am not distracted." He turned his face towards hers, causing his hair to cascade like a river of gold, but not like before, with Ella's uncle. No, this required no shower. Just a change of underwear.
Staring deep into her eyes, he continued, "I just went to the bathroom on myself. I'm a centaur. We go to the toilet wherever we happen to be. That's why we can never be together. I will poop on you while we do the no-no."
As sadness swept over his face, he leaned to the side, shaking his leg. From the cuff of his stylish beautiful pants rolled three perfect turds, which plopped flawlessly to the asphalt.
Roland. He was beautiful even when he was making GBS threads himself.
"Will you make me a centaur?" Ella asked breathlessly.
Roland turned away, extending his hand back at her as if to say "No, I can not do that."
"No," said Roland, "I can not do that. It wouldn't be right. I didn't ask to be a centaur. I had no choice. Plus that, you wouldn't even get the horse dick thing out of it, which despite my doom and gloom attitude about everything, is really pretty kick-rear end."
A tear rolled down Ella's cheek, betraying her feeling of being betrayed. Choking back a sob she said, "Well, do you mind if I poop myself?"
Roland smiled. If you haven't got the loving point yet, it was beautiful.
"Sure. poo poo your pants if you want to. I do it all the time."
"And my friends?"
"If your friends have pants, but don't poo poo their pants..." Roland paused for a second, deep in beautiful panty-soaking thoughts, or maybe just going to the bathroom again. "Well, they're no friends of mine."

# ? Dec 15, 2010 03:34

Zamboni_Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; The Canadians heard us
making fun of them, and got all
fucked up on hockey.

Here are a couple of my favorites that I've saved.

On the Republican Party and gay rights:

Aaron Burr posted:

Because the Republican party is full of rich dudes named "Fred" and whenever anybody mentions 'gay rights' the Freds think back to that spring afternoon in the Choate locker room when the freshman with the floppy hair and the blue eyes slipped a hand under the Freds' towel and gave the Freds a little smirk and said "just relax" and for just one minute everything was glorious and after that the Freds went on to jobs they hated and wives, ditto, and after twenty years they saw in the paper where the blue-eyed freshman was an ACLU attorney dying of AIDS who became free in all the ways the Freds couldn't and nothing, nothing, nothing pisses the Freds off like reminding them of that beautiful spring day at Choate.

On the difference between Christianity, Judaism and Islam:

RandomFerret posted:

No, Moslems don't believe that Jesus was the messiah.
Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu'ran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much they started writing fanfiction that doesn't fit with ANY of the series canon.

I also have a request. I can't remember who said it, but does anyone have the quote from the goon explaining why baseball was his favorite sport? The basic gist was something about how it was the only sport where an entire team's performance could be tied to the actions of an individual player.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 03:39

Haschel Cedricson: Jan 4, 2006; Brinkmanship

King Bahamut posted:

Baseball is great partially because it's the only sport where, on the field, every single player can be completely greedy and do what maximizes their personal value every single play and it's to the team's best interest. Every other sport is a zero sum game, where every shot you take is one your teammate doesn't--in baseball, every hit you get provides another opportunity. There's no clock besides individual failure. If Ayn Rand and Adam Smith hosed, she'd give birth to a baseball

# ? Dec 15, 2010 04:04

Zamboni_Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; The Canadians heard us
making fun of them, and got all
fucked up on hockey.

That's the one! Many thanks!

# ? Dec 15, 2010 04:12

Meningism: Dec 31, 2008

Welcome back, thread.

In regards to Goon Amusement parks:

Scary ghost dog posted:

A Silent Hill theme park. An entire city you can explore and get the poo poo scared out of you in.

Cosmik Debris posted:

^^they have that its called compton

# ? Dec 15, 2010 04:34

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; Stop reading my title text

Describing Family Guy:

quote:

Hey dog remember that time we *flashback* baby says something racist, breaks 4th wall *uncomfortably long non-joke* wife whines *roll credits*

# ? Dec 15, 2010 04:55

Ignimbrite: Jan 5, 2010; BALLS BALLS BALLS

A few I found over the hiatus

From the thread, "This is What twitter is for"

Iron Crowned posted:

Ill repute, Ill refute, doesn't matter when I'm drunk it's "ye olde titty bar."

From the thread "Then you really might know what its like...to be dead. RIP Everlast (a thread brough to you by goatse)"

14 INCH DICK TURBO posted:

ever-ASSED more like it

Knuc If U Buck posted:

14 INCH DICK TURBO posted:
ever-ASSED more like it

Tweek posted:

shotgunfilibuster posted:
How much cheese would you need to eat in order to make a life-size cheese-wax replica of yourself?

That would be impossible, because each time you ate another piece of cheese for the wax, you would become fatter and the amount of wax needed to make a life-size sculpture would increase.

MalcolmXmas posted:

Tweek posted:
That would be impossible, because each time you ate another piece of cheese for the wax, you would become fatter and the amount of wax needed to make a life-size sculpture would increase.

Scientists call this the Casein Catastrophe

Juriko posted:

Divacups are just travel mugs for your vagina.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 07:35

QueenOfMistakes: Feb 22, 2007; Kittens are tasty.

Can I please have a link to the last thread?

# ? Dec 15, 2010 16:39

Terrible Robot: Jul 2, 2010; Did you see Regis this morning?

QueenOfMistakes posted:

Can I please have a link to the last thread?

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3238826

# ? Dec 15, 2010 17:23

Kikka: Feb 10, 2010; I POST STUPID STUFF ABOUT DOCTOR WHO

Anyone have the classic of a post about a dude watching Chronicles of Riddick on VHS three times a day or such? It was written in all caps.

Also here's a quote that made me laugh so hard I cried. Dunno who the author is.
Just noticed the non-reg replacement words. Sorry I quoted this before I regged.

quote:

The time is highschool, 11th grade. I'm just about to participate in the school's production of Pinocchio the musical, playing the part of Gepetto. Now I'm no theatre major, but at this point I've been in about half a dozen plays, so I'm confident, know my stuff, etc.

Opening night.

Things go swimmingly. Pinocchio is a lying little prick and I'm ready to catch him on it by way of song. So we wait for the music to start. And wait. And wait. Two people, sitting on stage, in the spotlight, waiting for the goddamn music to start. We can't move, can't adlib (even if we knew how to, the director would've flipped his poo poo), so we sat there for about five minutes in total quiet. I could hear the audience whispering, and I'm putting my hands over my mouth innocuously because when I get nervous, I tend to laugh. I am not subtle enough, and people whisper that I am laughing. Finally, just when I am going to burst, the music starts, and I sing the loving song where Pinocchio's nose grows. This is done by the actor putting on noses that are bigger and bigger as the song progresses. We are doing fine.

Pinocchio's nose falls off in the middle of my sustained note. I immediately start to giggle while singing, which does not sound good. By the end of the song I am laughing while I sing, and when it finally finishes I bolt off stage, gasping for air.

Later, the Blue Fairy is supposed to appear in a puff of smoke. There is no puff of smoke when she appears. About ten minutes later, in the middle of her speech, however, POOF goes a big ball of blue smoke behind her, completely out of the blue, like she wanted emphasis on a word or something. Her dress almost catches on fire, too, I could see a thin wisp of smoke coming from it. Still riled from the previous event, I stifle a laugh, but thankfully don't really have any words or songs.

Things go fine from then on, but then my part in the whale comes up. First, the loving matches won't light, so I'm sitting in the darkness repeating "Pinocchio? Where are you?" until I make my way through about a dozen matches to light the drat lamp.

Then, during the dramatic point where Pinocchio 'dies', I need to drag him halfway across the stage, bemoaning his fate. The kid's pants nearly fall off, exposing his goddamn bright white boxers with red hearts all over them. I don't know if the audience saw them, but I'm laughing, barely covering it up with my sobs of sadness.

Then the Blue Fairy appears, in a brilliant blue puff of smoke. Too brilliant, in fact.

The curtain is now on fire backstage.

As people backstage are struggling to put out a small fire, the Blue Fairy keeps talking, Pinocchio's bright heart boxers are still exposed for the world, and I'm trying not to explode as I hear muffled whispers of "gently caress! gently caress! Where the loving water?!" from offstage.

By the time the whole thing finally ended, I was ready to die, as most of the school had just seen this. It was...interesting.

Kikka fucked around with this message at Dec 15, 2010 around 17:44

# ? Dec 15, 2010 17:42

Narmi: Feb 26, 2008

Kikka posted:

Anyone have the classic of a post about a dude watching Chronicles of Riddick on VHS three times a day or such? It was written in all caps.

~~No idea who posted it, but here~~:

graey alien posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

e: Apparently is was graey alien

Narmi fucked around with this message at Jan 4, 2011 around 11:57

# ? Dec 15, 2010 18:20

Dramatika: Aug 1, 2002; FUCK
YOU
MUTHAFUCKA

This may be the greatest post in the history of TFF.

Fancy rear end Ho posted:

Dearest NFL:

Because of your rules regarding the coverage of games in overtime - games that, by their very nature, are more interesting than anything else you can put on TV at any point - this is how I learned how the Buffalo Bills, a fine team made of upstanding gentlemen, had won their first game.

Talking about what happened in the game as time expired, rather than showing it

Moments later, showing the replay after it had just been described by the Van Full of Retards

Instead of showing the decisive 2-point conversion, the Van Full of Retards is shown looking to their right, not speaking, and then all going OHHHHHHHHHH!

Being left to figure out what that sound meant for about five seconds

This bears clarification: Instead of showing me the ending play of a football match, you show me five guys watching television off-screen

I AM WATCHING PEOPLE WATCHING TELEVISION ON MY TELEVISION

SUCK MY loving DICK NFL

I HOPE WORTHLESS PIECES OF poo poo LIKE ANDREW LUCK GET $150 MILLION SIGNING BONUSES AND THEN SPEND IT ENTIRELY ON ALLERGY MEDICATIONS TO MELT DOWN INTO METHAMPHETAMINES

You do not deserve money and I hate you

You couldn't even show me the Bills having the opposite thing that's happened to them all year, whereas I got to see the FG by Succop as time expired every five minutes for the remainder of the day

Shortly thereafter I switch to CBS and they show me small glimpses of Jets-Browns in overtime, but once it passes 4:15 EST, James Brown tells me "I wish we could show you the end of this amazing game, but NFL rules state that we cannot show any more now that we've passed 4:15."

What if I'm gay

What if I could continue seeing clips of this game, but instead of on CBS, I could see them in Gamebreak format on Fox

When the players get more of your money, I hope they take your daughters to faraway lands and introduce them to a mutual friend of theirs, known only as "Eagle." Eagle will then sell them into slavery.

When this happens, I will send Eagle a telegram that is actually a number of taped-together pieces of construction paper in the shape of the American flag

The telegram will read "Go Bills"

Toodles,
~ Fancy

# ? Dec 15, 2010 19:23

Little Treasure: Jan 27, 2010

I save quotes in a .doc, so I don't have the author or the context (Sorry).

e/n I think:

quote:

God drat this is one of those 'Would you rather gently caress a barbed wire doll covered with salt an alcohol or be drug down the Interstate by your balls while you were on fire?'-type scenarios.

Bizarre/Unsolved Mysteries thread, to sum up a huge derail:

quote:

Also "Jim Gray" is the Japanese word for "Thank You" which they got from Portuguese shadow people with sleep paralysis.

A succession of posts by three goons (don't remember where this was):

quote:

Mesquite and cayenne with a hint of peyote does the trick for me.

quote:

This is true for most things. This was true when I broke my arm and later when I had to decide on the catering for my wedding.

quote:

Please tell me those two incidents happened on the same day.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 19:38

Discount Dracula: Aug 15, 2003

Sorry, I don't have the source of this gem:

quote:

I can't believe there are people who don't buy pugs. It's like having my own happy little retard to play with, only I don't have to worry about sending him to a special school or buying him loose clothing that will fit over his diapers or keeping him from accidentally squeezing babies to death and burning down my house. Just a tiny, entertaining retard who eats only a cup of food a day instead of endless amounts of chicken nuggets and Captain Crunch, and who shits in the yard instead of all over the toilet seat and bathroom floor and walls. Who doesn't want their own miniature low-maintenance retard? I love having pugs. I would have easily paid double, maybe even triple for them.

And this one. It is a response to Asperger's Syndrome being removed from the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (misspelling left in because it makes the quote even better):

quote:

Whoa whoa whoa, I just wanted to be different without any negative repercussions, now you're telling me that I'm retarded? Guess what? I just cured myself of aspbergers!

I am looking for a piece of prose about a man who walks slowly, so slowly that he measures his walks in geologic time. Anyone have that?

Discount Dracula fucked around with this message at Dec 15, 2010 around 20:55

# ? Dec 15, 2010 20:41

Yay Pudding!: Mar 26, 2010; Frrrrrrunkis

Entris had a meltdown about shooting the moon 4 times a row in hearts.

quote:

Obviously it's not that hard, since we have a bunch of goons who have done it.

Yes, it does all come down to the 4th hand. I think Hearts is a cruel mistress with a heart that beats only with vile contempt for my noble aspirations. THe fourth hand is the most critical, the most stressful, and so of course it is only natural that Hearts makes sure that the fourth hand IS THE ONE GOD DAMNED HAND THAT YOU CAN'T PASS ON. GOD.

Why the gently caress do you even point that out? AND IT'S CALLED "HAND" NOT GAME BECAUSE EACH GAME HAS MANY HANDS.

I know I shouldn't get angry at goons who are just trying to be helpful, but god drat you two just spout the must obvious tips and strategies, and some of what you have said isn't useful or correct at all "Pass all of your spades" is a terrible universal rule to follow. The correct selection for passing depends on many many factors - can you get out of a suit completely, do you have a very strong suit that you could use to control the hand, do you have hearts that absolutely must leave your hand (usually the 2,3,4, and 5), do you have too many low cards that won't win tricks (like holding the 2, 3, 4 clubs, the 5,6 diamonds, and then the 4,8 spades, plus all your higher cards) etc etc. Just saying "Pass all your spades" is loving retarded.

But maybe I shouldn't say anything because I'm obvious a terrible loving Hearts player who shouldn't talk back to people who CAN shoot the moon four times in a row.

God why the gently caress did I start this thread in the first place. What did I think would happen? I think maybe It hought that no one else had ever managed this, because it seems near-impossible to my stupid loving face, and I thought maybe there'd be goons out there who were struggling along on the same path, and we could band together and offerr each other support and compassion but I think maybe that was a stupid stupid thought because clearly Im the only moron in the Hearts-playing universe that can't shoot the moon four times in a row and it's probably my strategy is a bit off never mind the fact that I once made a spreadsheet in which I listed hands and winning percentages to see if there was an easy way to predict whether a hand could be shot or not, nevermind that I have paid careful attentiont to the behavior of the computer players and learned many of their behaviors nevermind that I have spent hours and hours of MY LIFE on this loving goal with nothing to show for it except for a statistics log in my hearts program that says soemthing like "HEY LOSER YOU'VE LOSE A BILLION loving GAMES IN A ROW, YOUR LOSING STREAK IS LONGER THAN YOUR WILL TO LIVE" gently caress

# ? Dec 15, 2010 21:08

PalmTreeFun: Apr 25, 2010; *toot*

snip, I am dumb and don't read rules.

# ? Dec 15, 2010 21:52

Jack Anderson: Jan 8, 2008

entris posted:

So now that the hype and mania over the Twilight movies has died down a bit, we can discuss some of the more interesting aspects of Stephenie Meyer's fictional universe. Although critics have directed a great deal of derision at Meyer's work, I think she has presented a world rich with content.

For example, as I ponder the Twilight universe, I imagine what my career would look like. What would I want to do?

Well, I think I'd like create a fashion design company, and use vampire skin to make extremely expensive accessories and clothing.

Edit: If you are a photoshop-capable goon, you should totally come up with some photoshops of sparkling accessories / garments made out of vampire skin.

Branding

My original thinking was that I would market these products under a design label, perhaps something called "Sparkles in the Sun" (SITS would be our acronym), but I realized that the high costs of the supply would place my goods out of the usual realm of retail sales. So, instead of a brand name that could be well-known and publicly marketed, I probably would use guerilla marketing instead. The goal here would be to use a minimalist approach regarding actual marketing, with a strong reliance on word-of-mouth between very discreet store buyers and traders. The idea is that my products would be closer to the "secret brand" phenomenon that we currently see in Japan.

(I'm a little skeptical about the "secret brand" approach, however, because secret branding is often used to drive up the scarcity of the item, but my products will be incredibly scarce by nature, given the difficulty of acquiring the raw materials. So secret branding may not be necessary for that purpose.)

Basically, I would attract new customers in this way: the first few sales will be targeted directly at very high end customers, who would then wear or carry the products into very exclusive clubs, events, and parties across the world. Others at these venues would be interested, naturally, especially when the products are exposed to sunlight. This would generate word of mouth, which would slowly grow among the very wealthy.

I think one of the very first product placements would be lending a handbag to a celebrity to carry on the red carpet at the Academy Awards - huge attention on extremely expensive products, and there would be sunlight to make the bag sparkle - in a crowd of people dressed mostly in formal black clothes, one of my handbags will stand out on camera like a frickin' diamond under a laser beam. BOOM!

Supply
The raw material for my products is vampire skin. Obviously, this is a little problematic. For one thing, vampires are stronger and faster than humans. Of course, tigers and sharks are also stronger and faster than humans, and we can still capture them. Of course, tigers and sharks are not humanoid shaped, so they can't make use of safari jeeps or boats, whereas vampires can make use of any technological advance that we create. This is a problem because we run the risk of vampires engaging in a "cold war-esque" escalation of weapons and whatnot.

It is possible that we don't need to capture live vampires - perhaps we can use skin from dead vampires. ("Dead vampires" are those that are no longer alive or undead, but are seriously dead, like, they don't move anymore ever and they don't possess the ability to gain health from blood.) In this case, we could perhaps offer to buy skin off any dead vampires found - this would allow us to make use of third party independent contractors, who could go out and "find" dead vampires so that we don't have to worry about that in-house. We won't have to withhold payroll taxes on the independent contractors, either, which we would if we used employees. Basically, more research and development into the longevity of dead vampire skin is necessary. Can we use any special preservatives to prolong the quality?

It is also possible that we could capture a vampire, skin it, and then let it regenerate its skin. More research would be necessary into the regeneration of vampire skin skills. Perhaps a farming facility that stables vampires? Perhaps we could pay vampires for skin donations?

This leads to the fundamental question: what's the best way to skin a vampire? I'm sure the leatherworking industry has figured out the most efficient ways to skin cows, horse, and other commonly used animals. Presumably we can hire a few experts and come up with the best way to skin a humanoid shaped creature.

We could probably research the still-existing slave trade in certain parts of the world, to gain insight into the acquisition, maintenance, and trade of humanoids.

Demand
Since our products would have the magical property of sparkling unnaturally brightly in the sun, and since our products would be made from extremely rare materials, there will be some sort of market for them. In order to get an idea of such a niche market, we would probably do some research into similar markets: reptile leather accessories, very high end leather accessories, and rare mammal fur products.

Furthermore, some people hate vampires, so for these people the purchase of our products will serve as a moral statement as well as a fashion statement. For example, the pope may want an entire rainment constructed out of vampire skin, who knows?

The biggest problem, in terms of demand, is fungible substitutes. What happens if someone comes up with synthetic vampire skin? That could be a serious problem. Some really pale leather, a lot of body glitter, that could be a real problem. Given the extremely high pricetag, there will be a lot of pressure on competitors to undercut us with fakes.

Obstacles
There are also some other obstacles to my proposed business. For one thing, it is not entirely clear whether legal personhood attaches to vampires. If they are granted constitutional rights, that presents a seemingly insurmountable problem. I find encouragement in America's history with slavery; we were fine with slaves for quite a long time, and slaves don't even feed on white people. Surely we can prevent vampires from gaining personhood for much longer than we prevented brown-skinned people from gaining the same.

In terms of marketing, however, a vampires rights campaign could be a real problem. Where would PETA weigh in? On the one hand, they might argue that vampires are like other animals, and shouldn't be used for clothing or what-have-you. On the other hand, vampires are the most anti-vegetarian creatures in existence. Could PETA overcome that cognitive dissonance to protest my products?

What about the fact that vampires can actually advocate for themselves? It's difficult to argue that your $20,000 handbag should be legal when some vampire is crying tears of blood because you made it out of his or her nestmate.

And of course, a huge problem is the probable retaliation from the vampire community. They are not likely to accept my business model without some resistance. This means huge increased costs of security for the manufacturing facility as well as all key employees of the business. AND, the marketing department has to work overtime to make sure the high end customers feel safe enough to purchase our products without fear of reprisals against them personally. Since most of our customers will be extremely wealth, it is likely that they will already have a bodyguard service, but we will have to encourage them to make sure that their bodyguards are vampire-resistant.

Anyway, that's what I would do as a career in the Twilight universe.

From http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3373635

# ? Dec 15, 2010 22:37

Talby: Nov 28, 2002

I posted:

a kitten posted:
Well drat, more feet wash up in the Pacific NW. A child's foot this time.
http://www.king5.com/news/local/Chi...-111894624.html

I really doubt there's some sort of connection between all these feet, but my region getting the reputation for piles of feet just showing up out of nowhere has really got to stop.

I think all these feet washing up is a sinister commentary about America's refusal to adopt the metric system.

(edit: btw that guy's username is I, i'm not saying I said it myself)

# ? Dec 15, 2010 23:39

Lamprotornis: Jun 28, 2004; My happy place~

From a thread titled "Google your username, post the first image"

LetsFuckSomeKids posted:

Ummmmm......

# ? Dec 16, 2010 01:05

Corman: Jul 12, 2005

An absolutely glorious post from a thread about The Thing in CineD. There's spoilers for a 30yo movie in the quote if you need warning, I guess.

Leovinus posted:

The Thing is the best loving movie ever made. Take every other movie in the world and shove it up your rear end. They are so far below The Thing that it's not even really possible to compare any other movie to The Thing, because you can't conceptualise the difference in quality like you can't conceptualise a googolplex.

Let's talk about why The Thing is good. Better yet, I'll talk, and you can just agree and maybe repeat what I said to another person later. The first thing The Thing got right was the same thing Twelve Angry Men got right. That is to say that there are no bitches in the movie at all. I'll bet that when the script for The Thing got run by a movie exec, he was like "This is good and all, but where's the sex appeal? Put in a chick like the non-butch one from Alien." And I imagine that John Carpenter would have told him that it wasn't a movie where at the end of the movie the hero and the heroine kiss before blowing up the monster and escaping in the nick of time, not a movie like that at all, not a movie for homos. It was a movie for men who wanted to watch men deal with problems suited to other men, like what to do when an alien is loving your day up. Then he cast a bunch of the most watchable men he could find in the movie. These men variously do things like play chess, drink scotch and smoke weed all the day. Even the men who barely appear in the movie at all are manly as all hell because they're Norwegians. They were probably walking around their Antarctic base in T-shirts and cargo shorts before they got hosed up by The Thing.

The second thing The Thing got right was that it is set in the Antarctic and there is nobody coming or going from that base, ever, especially no bitches. To give you an idea of how isolated they are, Kurt Russell could not get away from that base in a helicopter. That's not some kind of Chuck Norris joke, that's a literal plot point in the movie. In the movie Kurt Russell can't get away from the base in a helicopter. You can imagine that if Kurt Russell can't do it, neither can anybody else. So they're completely cut off from any help ever. You'll notice that this is a theme among the best movies ever. For example, the two other best movies ever made which are not The Thing are Battle Royale and Cube. Notice a pattern? A few people, a completely hosed up situation, let's see what they loving do for the next couple of hours. Goddamn give me some of those nachos, quit hogging the nachos I'm trying to watch the movie.

The third thing The Thing got right is that it's loving hilarious. Like, gut-bustingly funny. I don't mean that in a goth-faggots-laughing-at-death sense, but in the sense that the deaths in this movie are hysterical to anyone with a brain. Like when the doctor is defibrillating Norris and Norris' chest opens up and eats his hands, and you're just staring at the screen in open-mouthed disbelief that something that awesome just happened and then you laugh, because man, that doctor was NOT expecting that poo poo. And then Norris' loving head sprouts legs and wanders off. This is advanced loving humour here, you understand. And then later, when Palmer reveals he's a Thing and suddenly everyone realises that it was a really stupid idea to do Thing tests while everyone was tied to everyone else. Ahaha. Now everyone is yelling and trying to get away because like dumbasses they agreed to be tied to a Thing. Holy poo poo look at Windows, it's loving eating him.

The fourth best thing about The Thing is that loving noose just swinging behind Blair when he's talking to Mac through the peephole asking to come back down because he's alright now, because people just don't think about it when they first watch the movie. Blair was thinking about killing himself? Man that's pretty dark, what a great movie. Nobody thinks "oh poo poo, why doesn't Blair want to kill himself any more?" People are pretty dumb like that and it was awesome that they put that in just for clever people.

Number 5. Everybody dies in The Thing. I don't care what that lovely ending cutscene in the videogame said, MacReady and Childs froze to death after they blew up that base. Probably Childs was a Thing, but if he wasn't that's OK. The moral of the story is that if you put six to ten men in a room and one of them is an alien, they will eventually kill each other and sacrifice themselves for the good of the world, and they'll do that in the freezing cold drinking whisky.

Number six. "You gotta be loving kidding". Never has an idea been better put across. Norris' head just loving scuttled out the door and Shakespeare himself could not have put it any better.

Shakespeare posted:
PALMERO
Alas, poor Norris! I knew him, MacReady.
Is this Norris's loving head I see before me?
It has took legs, and is making like yon tree.
Thou hast got to be loving jesting.

It's the freakiest looking loving thing you've ever seen, but they don't even get scared, they just stare at it, dumbfounded. This is the bullshit hand Fate has dealt them. And they are dealing with it like loving men.

If you think The Thing is not the best movie ever made, gently caress you. You are not fit to live on the planet where The Thing is available on DVD and I think Blu-Ray although I actually have it on HD-DVD because it was cheap and I had the drive. You probably think that a good movie is something like... well, I don't know. I can't think down to your level, because I've watched and given sufficient appreciation to The Thing.

Anyway, that is why The Thing is the best movie ever. Now go on, gently caress off.

# ? Dec 16, 2010 01:16

Morpheus: Apr 18, 2008; HAMDOGS: Like staring into the Flame of God

Kikka posted:

Anyone have the classic of a post about a dude watching Chronicles of Riddick on VHS three times a day or such? It was written in all caps.

Also here's a quote that made me laugh so hard I cried. Dunno who the author is.
Just noticed the non-reg replacement words. Sorry I quoted this before I regged.

That was me, and I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. I can still feel the lovely bald cap on my head. When I asked my mother what she thought and she said "It was quite good!" I nearly died laughing, but not the ha ha laugh, more like a crazy person laugh, where you feel like it is the rest of the world that has gone insane and you are the only stable person on the planet or maybe it is the other way around dun dun dun.

But yeah, lesson of the day is don't loving do theatre with 8th graders.

Edit: "When you tell lies, your nose will *snrt* grow, I tell you this *heehee* from what I know. You're snout will spro-out, way out to about...*nose falls off* he-he-he-he-he-he-ee-ee-ee-eeeere, if you're te-heh-lling tales you kno-ho-ho-w're no-hot so!" *runs offstage*

Morpheus fucked around with this message at Dec 16, 2010 around 02:55

# ? Dec 16, 2010 02:32

FUCK COREY PERRY: Apr 19, 2008; Corey Perry Asshole Chart
G: ran
D: sacktapped
F: stomped on
face: punchable
cheapshots: ~~NOT EN~~ c'mon ref that was like a totes legit accident he hit his face off my elbow excuse me while I score four goals

From the old truths about your major thread

Grey Skies posted:

Law

- You have to read, a lot. And memorize it. All of it.
- The first couple of times you attempt to summon the Dark Lord in order to sell him your soul you WILL gently caress up. You will accidently spill blood everywhere and end up stuck in a lecture theatre surrounded by demons and the God of Whispers while you desperately try to undo whatever the gently caress you just did.
- Anyone who isn't a lawyer or in law school doesn't know anything about the law, and their opinions on what the law is/should be will infuriate you.
- Especially politicians
- If you attempt to become a lich in order to help you cram for and pass finals, it's much safer and efficient to murder infants for the required blood of an innocent. Adult blood is generally tainted and will probably gently caress up your phylactery. If you're going to kill another law student you might as well just cut out the middleman and kill yourself, because it won't work.
- Been given an ace set of study notes by someone else in your class? Awesome! Now throw them out and write your own, because those notes are probably missing key points in an attempt to sabotage your grades.

# ? Dec 16, 2010 02:35

Telegnostic: Apr 24, 2008

I don't know who wrote this one.

quote:

12:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I'm uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he'd be just as gone as them. There's no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It's a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don't think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer's eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don't exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven't changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven.

Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It's a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We've given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I'm starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they're mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. "Look at how they wield their guns," writes a man. "I always said he'd take our guns away." They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It's long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can't bring myself to blame him for it. He's reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb...

# ? Dec 16, 2010 03:00

Passion for Dilbert: Dec 5, 2007

Narmi posted:

No idea who posted it, but here:

OPEN PALM SLAM

graey alien. best poster on the whole forum!

# ? Dec 16, 2010 04:04

Buzkashi: Feb 4, 2003

Dr. rear end posted:

oddspelling posted:
Ughh, I cannot fap to a Love Twins scene. I've never seen 2 people who look less interested in sex.

well when you finally have sex with a second person you know where to update us

amazing ice burn

# ? Dec 16, 2010 04:27

Centzon Totochtin: Jan 2, 2009

My most recent M R CRACKER sightings

M R CRACKER posted:

Nobody likes it when they shoot up schools, but if you torture a kid for really long, and you beat him up, then finally he just snaps. Even if the school is nice and it's built well, lots of windows, then it still doesn't stop everyone popular from acting like prison. They take your lunch and say "Tattoo my name or I'll take your food every day."

We should talk about a good solution to shootings. One idea of mine is to make bullets that don't kill a bully, but they will teach him a lesson. A mad kid w/just a regular sweatshirt goes into the cafeteria, and starts shooting. Everyone screams and then the bullies look down and instead of a wound, it's a paper stuck to them. They unfold the paper and it says "Be nicer to your classmates. They are people too."

Post your solutions here so we can cut down on deaths or injuries.

M R CRACKER posted:

I have some other ideas to help the bullying problem. #1 is in the FP (First Post) so here are the rest.

2. Bully cape, it's a thick yellow cape with a window on the front so you can see school, but you don't have to hear the bullies say "Pringles Man" or "Scabies" all day in class. The cape hangs on your head but inside is a shelf, you can put snacks and a Sprite on the shelf to stay refreshed. Nobody can tell you to throw the snacks because they can't hear you eating them.

3. Code word for bullies. If they are torturing you, just put your hand up and tell the teacher "Animal Kingdom." It sounds like you're answering, but it's a code word for being bullied, because that's what the animal kingdom is about. It's raccoons beating up rats and rats beating up mice. We evolved so we could get away from the violence, but bullies try to drag us back down into the animal kingdom. This is how we say we're not going to take it.

4. Everyone gets Good Behavior hats (like ball hat but with GB written on it) at the beginning of the day. If you bully someone you have to take off the hat. At the end of the day, we all know who the bullies are.

# ? Dec 16, 2010 07:58

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Share food?

From the Tangled thread and how people respond to violence towards certain characters:

Darko posted:

People live with dogs but not with homeless people.

Crappy Jack posted:

It is literally impossible to live with a homeless person, dude.

# ? Dec 16, 2010 10:53

Aleksei Vasiliev: May 7, 2007; Fuck the cowboys. Unf. Fuck em hard.

Panic! at the Fist Jab posted:

this same scarlett johansson?

Honeydew posted:

urgh that floor is gross

mons all madden posted:

even on the internet you look at the floor when you see a girl

# ? Dec 16, 2010 11:22

the least weasel: May 10, 2005; aaag petals

this quote deserves a re-post

autopsy-turvey posted:

This week the shriveled husk of million term United States Senator and malevolent lich Jesse Helms was sealed in a bleak crypt deep beneath the sands of his native Stygia, North Carolina. Flowers placed on his grave by grieving shitheads withered and died within seconds.

Helms, known to friends and slaves alike as an unredeemed racist, was famous in the Senate for his passionate defense of segregation, opposition to the civil and voting rights acts, and his black crusade against the sun and all things which draw life from it.

As one of the first conservative talk radio hosts of the 1960�s Helms pioneered the technique of getting poor stupid whites to vote against their own interests by tricking them into hulking the gently caress out over black people, immigrants, and the betrayal of the Confederacy by jews, liberals, and the hated abstract concept of literacy. He went on to parley his repulsive backwoods celebrity with the curbstomp set into a long career in government where he played a prominent role in the unbelievably vicious and petty dixiecrat movement. His leadership resulted in a fundamental realignment of the American domestic political scene over the question of just how much we should hate niggers (�A whole lot�, contended Helms).

Long considered a strong contender for �worst person in the entire world� Helms in his declining years began to find that limited title constraining. Last summer recess he gathered together all the educated mulattos and wizened negro shaman from the swamps and dungeons of his grim feudal demesne and began a search for the blackest of black tomes, arts, and metal. That search culminated last week in his ascension to lichdom with the completion of a vile phylactery in the form of a fat lipped bejeweled bone sambo, pulsating with false life and the rhythm of hot jungle beats. His triumph over death itself coincides with a departure from this plane of existence for the astral realms, where he will spend the next thousand years pursuing recognition as the �worst person in the entire metaverse.�

Here on Earth Helms will be remembered as a southern gentleman, a family man, and the kind of guy that�ll eventually turn out to have dozens of child sized skeletons buried in his yard and whose family members when interviewed will say they thought he just liked collecting tiny shoes.

Tags: lichcraft, niggers

# ? Dec 16, 2010 14:43

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# ? May 25, 2013 11:20

The Tao Jones: Oct 9, 2007; What's a hole doing in my TARDIS?

No thread would be complete without this one:

quote:

gently caress all the pop song puppy love bullshit. Your heart skipping a beat isn't love, it's cardiac arrhythmia. It's not about shortness of breath, either, or how turned on you get or whether you tell yourself you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for her or whatever. You can convince yourself of a lot about how you feel and what you would do in exchange for regular oral sex.

Love is when she drives you insane sometimes. And I don't mean merely "aggravating" or "annoying," I mean flat-out loving in. Sane. And in a way nobody else can do it in a million years. She'll drive you to the point where you'd gouge out your own eyeball with a melon baller or smack your scrotum a half-dozen times with a ball peen hammer if it means you can be done with this conversation. She'll make you want to chew your own arm off to get out of talking about this. And I don't care how many loving times you've had this conversation, each time, you know you'll have it again:

Her: I thought you turned the heat on.
You: I did.
Her: Well, I'm still cold. Are you sure you did it right?
You: Yes, I'm pretty sure I know how to turn on a thermostat.
Her: 'Cause you know you have to flip the switch to "heat" and....
You: Honey! I know! How to turn on! A thermostat! I went to college for it and everything.
Her: Well, I don't feel any heat blowing in here.
You: I know. I think you broke the thermostat again.
Her: I didn't break it.
You: Yes, you did, you put that halogen lamp right next to it again.
Her: That doesn't do anything.
You: Yes, it does.
Her: I thought you fixed it?
You: I did fix it, and you broke it again.
Her: Are you sure you fixed it right?
You: Yes, goddammit, I fixed it right.
Her: How do you know you fixed it?
You: 'Cause it worked when I fixed it!
Her: Well, it's not working now.
You: 'Cause you broke it again!
Her: How'd I break it?
You: You put the goddamn, loving lamp next to it!
Her: I don't see why a lamp would break a thermostat.
You: OK. I'm going to explain this. One more time. Slowly. Thermostats have a coil inside them that expands and contracts based on the temperature. This is how they know when it is hotter than the setting of the A/C, so it can cool the room off, or colder than the setting of the heating, so it can heat the room up. Halogen lamps generate heat. Halogen lamps generate a lot of heat. That's why you burn your fingers when you touch the bulbs after they've been on for a while. So when you put a halogen lamp next to a thermostat, it causes the coil to keep expanding and expanding and expanding past the point it's intended to expand. This makes the thermostat think it's really, really hot all the time, and it makes the coil less sensitive in the future, and it'll eventually break the coil so I'll have to replace the thermostat.
Her: That doesn't sound right.
You: Trust me. It's right.
Her: How do you know?
You: BECAUSE I TOOK SIXTH GRADE loving PHYSICS, OK?!
Her: Well, I don't think they should make thermostats that can be broken by something little like a lamp.
You: Fine. Don't think that. Write a letter to the manufacturers. Write a letter to universities and tell them to build a better thermostat. I don't loving care. But that's how they make them. That's why I keep moving the lamp, that's why I keep telling you not to put it back to the right of the bookcase, that's why I've had to fix the thermostat four loving times now. Stop! Putting! The lamp! Right! Next! To the thermostat!
Her: But on the other side of the bookcase, the front of the hallway is dark, and I can't see inside my gift closet.
You: Well, you can turn on the hall light to go through your gift closet, or you can sit here and be cold! Your choice, honey!
Her:
You:
Her:
You:
Her: I don't think you fixed the thermostat right.
You: GOD-MOTHERFUCKING-DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO FIX THAT MOTHERFUCKING THERMOSTAT TOMORROW, AND I SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST IF YOU PUT THE LAMP NEAR THE THERMOSTAT AGAIN, I WILL SMASH IT TO A MILLION loving PIECES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!!! MOTHERFUCK ME, JESUS!!!!!!

And if the seventh time you have that conversation, knowing full well there will be an eighth time, you'd still rather have that conversation again than imagine a world she's not in, you're in love.

Especially if you do fix that thermostat... again... the next day, and not just so she'll shut up about it, but because you really don't want her to be cold anymore.

# ? Dec 16, 2010 15:50

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