Oxford Comma posted:

Any kind soul able to avatar-ize this?

Factory Factory posted:

Beatnik-Filmstar posted:

Something went wrong.

chippy posted:

It's more common than you'd think. I know a guy who snapped his banjo string as well. I think he was doing a bit of bum sex at the time.

the yeti posted:

What he gets for taking advantage of the homeless

mr. mephistopheles posted:

Also I went to Thanksgiving dinner with my best platonic female friend who I knew was in love with me because I'm a terrible person and chose to ignore it. She's a lesbian now.

Rickycat posted:

I hope you're happy with yourself that she can no longer feel the raw power of a man ever again. You're a horrible person

2508084 posted:

For $80+shipping she can

Plom Bar posted:

Eighty dollars? I hope that thing makes you breakfast too!

Buzkashi posted:

No, but if she pushes hard enough it will definitely scramble her eggs

Razorwired posted:

So it's used a lot in this thread. But does the term "cuddlepile" fill anyone else with an overwhelming sense of horror? I hear it and I can only think of a monstrosity torn from a Clive Barker movie. A flabby blob of pasty skin pressed together after years of meaningless but comfortable contact. A thousand maws of crooked teeth sigh in ecstasy, filling the air with the putrid stench of rotting Pocky and stale Hello Kitty bubblegum soda. A few tired eyes weep and are immediately set upon by the rest of the beast, expunging any negative feelings within the pile. Every so often a fresh body is dropped from a above and falls into a stupor, allowing the beast to roll over it in waves of fat and unkept hair.

Sometimes I dream of this beast, and know that TVTropes has already broken me.

DoNgHuFfa 69 posted:

TO ALL THE HUGE FUCKERS DOUBTING THIS THREAD READ BELOW OK!!!!!!!

LEVITATION IS REAL AND WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF THE SINE DERIVITIVE, IT IS SIMPLE GEOMETRY THAT I AM ABOUT TO TALK AT YOU

LEVITATION IS REAL AND THE PARADOX WE ARE CONFRONTED WITH WHEN WRITING ABOUT "NEW SCIENCE" IS A BUG ISSSUE IN THESE DAYS FOR SURE! I (RANDY COLANE, 2 YS COLLEGE **GRADUATE OF HIGH SCHOOL**) AM RANDY COLANE, AND I HAVE OVER 10+ YEARS IN THE SCIENCE AND MYSTIC REAL ART OF LEVITATION, A PRACTICE PERFECTED OVER MANY YEARS AND LOUD THROATY ARGUMENTS WITH NAY SAYERS LIKE THE FBI, THE CIA, THE NSA, THE SAN FERNANDO POLICE DEPARTMENT, PRESIDENT CARTER, PRESIDENT REAGAN, PRESIDENT BUSH I, VICE PRESIDENT GORE, PRESIDENT BUSH II, PRESIDENT BART OBAMA, AND VIRTUALLY EVERY SINGLE UNDERSECRETARY OF MANY PRESIDENTS PAST AND FUTURE, NOT TO MENTION MOST SENATORS, AND MOST PEOPLE THAT I HAVE MET IN MY MANY ADVENTURES LEVITATING ABOUT AND AROUND THE CONTINENTS (PRIMARILY IN THE VICINITY OF SAN FERNANDO BUT NEVER WITHIN 400 FEET OF A GOVERNMENT BUILDING OR PARK OR ADVANCE AUTO PARTS DUE TO REASONS) AND IF YOU TRUST ME AND CAN TOLERATE MY BLINDING OPINIONS SAID RAPIDLY WITH GREAT REASON AND LOGIC AND SPITTLE THEN I CAN TOO TEACH YOU THE SCIENCE OF THE ART OF THE UNDERSTANDING OF LEVITATION, A NEW WAY FORWARD. LET'S COUNT THE WAYS FORWARD:

1) LEVITATION IS REAL AND THE HATERS ARE FUCKERS
2) I AM 26 YEARS OLD AND LIVE WITH MY HUGE FUCKER DAD TO SAVE MONEY ON LEVITATION
3) I CAN LEVITATE IN MOST IN-DOOR ENVIRONMENTS DEPENDING ON VALENCE AND SHAG DEPTH
4) PRESIDENT BUSH II WAS A LIER AND DID NOT RESPOND TO DEFTLY ARGUED LOGIC OR NUMEROUS E-VITES
5) LEVITATION CAN BRING OUT THE AGE IN YOU! WOW, WHAT A TRIP, HA HA! LOVE YOUR LOOKS.
6) IT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED FIRST BY: CLEARING THE MIND OF ALL THOUGHTS AND REACTIONS. I ZONE-MEDITATE (A REAL THING) FOR HOURS EACH DAY AT HOME OR AT MOST "FAST FOOD" STYLE EATERYS
7) THE SINE DERIVITIVES CAN BE MOODY. IT IS NOT PERSONAL
8) BEGINNERS CAN EXPECT: UP TO 6. INTERMEDIATE WILL TAKE A LITTLE LONGER BUT SOON YOU WILL BE LEVITATING AND TALKING CEASELESSLY ABOUT LEVITATING IN AS LITTLE AS: 6.
9) LEVITATING ANIMALS IS ILLEGAL BUT A FUN TIME. TRY IT OUT BUT BE SNEAKY ABOUT IT, WHOA
10) LEVITATTING IN THE GRASS IS A TRICKY WICKET BECAUSE WHILE IT WILL SEEM APPEALING IT CAN ALSO LEAVE STAINS. BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! SIMPLE TRICK ONLY WEAR GREEN CLOTHES
11) MY DAD IS A HUGE FUCKER AND DESPITE THE MANY BOOKS THAT I HAVE PROPPED UP AGAINST THE DOOR HE HAS JUST NOW BEEN ABLE TO ENTER THE ROOM TO SIEZE CONTROL OF T

quote:

Rominger did an interview with ABC 27 in Harrisburg, and he gave the most odious explanation yet for Jerry Sandusky's showering with young boys. He says Sandusky was trying to help, because these kids didn't know how to lather up.

Roasted Donut posted:

Sandusky-san...i don't know how to put the soap all over my nubile young body...maybe...maybe you could help me....

Linguica posted:

The soap..! It tickles!! Uguu~~~

Deathy McDeath posted:

Jerome Agricola posted:

nickhimself posted:

Slappy Moose posted:

nickhimself posted:

Slappy Moose posted:

Jamesman posted:

So I finally found the underground cow.

I got fed up with his mysterious mooing and decided to start looking for the bastard, so I began my stairway down into the ground. About 6 or 7 blocks down, the mooing got quiet and then stopped. OK, he's gotta be like RIGHT under the ground then. So I went back up a few steps and picked a direction, and started digging.

Mooing got quiet again. Backed up a little, turned right, and went straight until it got quiet again. Repeat until I completed the circle. Then I cut through the middle of the path. Then I dug out all the rest. Still now cow. Digging a little further down, and the sound would disappear. Dig a little further up, and it's the surface. WHAT THE gently caress, COW?

So I go to return to my tower to replace my tools and dump some stone and dirt, and consider making some dynamite to blow the whole area the gently caress up until I find the loving cow, when out the corner of my eye I notice THE COW PEEKING AT ME FROM A loving TREE. It must have gotten caught on it during its growth. So the underground cow wasn't underground at all!

I cut it down (with minor injuries) and lead it back to my tower, where it's now happily wandering around outside.

Noni posted:

My friend, you are roasting an animal whole. This particular animal's ancestors were not pansy-rear end grass munchers who stood around with their meat-bloated bodies, throwing up in their own mouths, chewing the cud, and waiting patiently for something more intelligent to come along and end their pointless lives. No. Your pig's ancestors once had both the guile and the strength to kill men in the wild by stabbing them with part of their faces. I personally have never stabbed a man to death with my face, although I've tried many times.

And, despite his fearsome attitude and the potential for the boar to turn the tables and eat the humans instead, early man persisted in hunting him. Some poor bastards then went so far as to capture and breed the animal. Probably every second child of the early boar-breeder died of a brutal mauling. But man did they eat well! This is the jungle equivalent of trying to kill and domesticate the lion, even though there are plenty of less-dangerous game out on the savannah. Pig was that delicious, and if lions were anywhere near that level of tastiness, we'd have farmer-friendly versions of them as well.

And you mock this pig by asking what to do with it's head? Either roast the thing or smoke it and wear it as a glorious helmet of cheek-bacon. The boar, for all its badassery, for eons and in every single Babelian language might as well have had "that loving" as its first name. The ethics of the source matters not in comparison to the ethical consideration of making this pig's life, retrospectively, worth living.

How do you do that? I don't know, but I can try. In the very least, I can pretend that letting even the most awful of an animal's offal grace my bowels with its presence is pleasuring. The pig is a rare animal in that it offers the possibility, so long as you have the power and the culinary cunning, to make even its worst parts better than the best parts of other, inferior meats.

Do you see that picture of the intact, roasted glory that Garregus posted up there? That beast is smiling because he knows that the people about to eat him didn't have the disrespect to cut off his head. He lost his life, but he's cool with his meat being used to strengthen and nourish fearless people who had the guts to look him in the eye before exercising their gluttony.

Now, you've done well by building the animal his own altar. Nobody every builds a special house out of cinder blocks to roast a loving chicken. The sisig and pata are fine ideas, but I do wish you could retrieve the rest of this kingly animal's parts. Why? Consider this: The pig offers you the possibility to break the largest simultaneous number of biblical food-based commandments with one single, magnificent bite. Why do you think there are so many cultures with seemingly strange soups that involve far too many different parts of a pig? Because gently caress you for telling me what not to eat--that's why.

I'm convinced that the only reason why there is so much dislike for pork in the Bible is because Moses and Abraham knew that pork was so loving delicious that people would eat pork and get straight to porking each other. The orgy in people's mouths naturally lead to actual, sinful orgies.

I don't think there's a commandment against it, but you should also collect the drippings, render them down, and make some goddamn bacon soap. That way, you can literally bathe in this animal and not seem disgusting or strange for doing so. That is unless, of course, you're like me and tend to loudly announce after every shower that you have just rubbed the remains of a conquered animal all over your naked body while badly and loudly singing pop songs.

If some jackass came along and killed me for my meat, the very least he could do is make something useful out of the fat in my fat rear end. Similarly, for the ladies or for men who appreciate having skin like a baby's buttcheeks, bonemeal in soap is a lovely and mild exfoliant! It also gives the preciously rare opportunity to invent new boner and boning puns.

Anyway, roasting a whole pig is possibly the most important thing you can ever cook in your life. Did you know that the original thanksgiving animal wasn't the dry and bland turkey but the succulent pig? Do you know why that is? It's because you can have turkey and chicken all year around and they keep relatively well, but a pig needs to be eaten, generally in the fall, and speedily or the gods will look down upon you with disfavor for not stuffing your gut with this ambrosic meat and they will make the uneaten meat go bad. The non-religious reason for this is that a whole pig is a whole lot of meat, and pork, trichinosis and all, doesn't keep very well. So, early Americans ate craptons of it and festively shared the pork with the members of the opposite sex that they wanted to exchange other sorts of meats with. This is also why many early American babies were born around July and August.

Unlike the turkey, the pig doesn't need you to take its juices in and jellify them into a gravy just so you can pour it over its own dry flesh in an futile effort to actually make it taste palatable and not have a texture that makes you act like a dog eating peanut butter. No way, Jose. Instead, we use pork parts to flavor other foods that taste crappy. For example: Baconnaise. Nobody has ever dared to use turkey to flavor something so horribly tasteless as mayonnaise.

By now, I've pretty much forgotten the major point of this entire post, so I just want to praise you for doing this. You rock. It's an art, man. I'm not kidding. Roast pig is pretty much the only dish that has it's own professional occupation: The Lechonero.

In the Philippines, these guys travel around as specialists who slowly roast other people's pigs for them, and then almost certainly get laid. Getting just the right speed of rotation and distribution of heat is something that takes years of practice. That's probably why Anthony Bourdain, an avowed pork-lover, put lechon at the tip top of his hierarchy of pork. If you want to know where he put pork on the hierarchy of all meats, there is no other hierarchy. It's all pork.

Not only is pork-roasting a profession, but it's one of the few dishes on earth that actually has disputed legends on its origin. See, for example, a text called, "A Dissertation Upon Roast Pig By Charles Lamb." That's right, a guy named Charles Lamb decided to say a big old "gently caress you" to the animal in his surname, get some old Chinese manuscripts translated, and write a dissertation on the origin of crackling pig. It included this gem of a passage:

quote:

A premonitory moistening at the same time overflowed his nether lip. He knew not what to think. He next stooped down to feel the pig, if there were any signs of life in it. He burnt his fingers, and to cool them he applied them in his booby fashion to his mouth. Some of the crums of the scorched skin had come away with his fingers, and for the first time in his life (in the world's life indeed, for before him no man had known it) he tasted -- crackling! Again he felt and fumbled at the pig. It did not burn him so much now, still he licked his fingers from a sort of habit. The truth at length broke into his slow understanding, that it was the pig that smelt so, and the pig that tasted so delicious; and, surrendering himself up to the new-born pleasure, he fell to tearing up whole handfuls of the scorched skin with the flesh next it, and was cramming it down his throat in his beastly fashion, when his sire entered amid the smoking rafters, armed with retributory cudgel, and finding how affairs stood, began to rain blows upon the young rogue's shoulders, as thick as hail-stones, which Bo-bo heeded not any more than if they had been flies. The tickling pleasure, which he experienced in his lower regions, had rendered him quite callous to any inconveniences he might feel in those remote quarters. His father might lay on but he could not beat him from his pig, till he had fairly made an end of it, when, becoming a little more sensible of his situation, something like the following dialogue ensued.

Yep. That's some pretty suggestive 1822 pig-roasting fanfiction there.

So godspeed, man. You are doing holy work.

Cardboardstu posted:

This fucker really loves pork:


Yep. That's some pretty suggestive 1822 pig-roasting fanfiction there.

So godspeed, man. You are doing holy work.

Avalanche posted:

I'd rather be in Afghanistan with a gun than work retail.

There were a few Iraq vets that used to work at the store that re-enlisted due to being so fed up with self-entitled assholes...

Jam With Seeds posted:

That would be a fantastic parting shot.

"gently caress this poo poo, I'd rather be shot at than deal with you."

RandomFerret posted:

Category Fun! posted:

When he first got that avatar, the text was the jingle from this.

GonadTheBallbarian posted:

It was obvious to me , but then again, I know Latin.

Psycho Serum posted:

This is the one time in your life having such a useless loving skill could ever to be even slightly useful and you don't loving use it? NEXT TIME EXPLAIN THE loving JOKE

Frosted Ambassador posted:

In the macros/memes thread someone posts a Latin macro and after several people ask for a translation:



I used to know Latin too and it is indeed the most useless loving skill.

future trophy wife posted:

beato posted:

I don't think the person who made that one "gets" fbf. Why would you blow your nose on a sock?

Guillermus posted:

That sock is not for your nose...

future trophy wife posted:

Morpheus posted:

This is some sort of macro event horizon, where the macro itself is so instantly identifiable on sight that one doesn't even need the text anymore, thus rendering it both a macro and a non-macro at the same time. A quantum macro.

AB posted:

That's the joke.

Top Quark posted:

You mean my custom title? 'Cause that's always been the one I have now.

BASF posted:

I made this
:NWS:http://i.imgur.com/R5KZq.jpg:NWS:
Probably the biggest i've ever done. Really hurt on the way out but it was worth it.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Ashcans posted:

When someone is pouring out drinks at the party, have your wife ask for a double because she's drinking for two now.

ARE THOSE MY SPERMS posted:

From the Post weird things that you have made thread:

ARE THOSE MY SPERMS posted:

From the Post weird things that you have made thread:

dinozombiesgoRARR posted:

Robert Denby posted:

Lance Streetman posted:

Majestic Bear Song

Fun fact: most species of brown bears claim to be libeartarians but they're pretty much all fascists.

Majestic Bear Song posted:

Can you nazi that bears are clearly conservatives? They all have the right to bear arms.

chefvinny posted:

S.F. is ground-zero for WTC stories.

RCarr posted:

NYC is ground-zero for WTC stories.

ARE THOSE MY SPERMS posted:

From the Post weird things that you have made thread:

Spiffo posted:

Augh that's the worst

Also kind of impressive

Good Citizen posted:

It's been mentioned before, but that picture is really old.

Yes, I remember old pictures of poop from the internet.

mind the walrus posted:

I'm not one to talk but because of sheer opportunity: how's your memory of arithmetic?

ARE THOSE MY SPERMS posted:

From the Post weird things that you have made thread:

ritcheyz posted:

There's shitposting, and then there's this.

Ubik posted:

Better than finding out the girl you've been seeing has a pet hamster named Mussolini.

Zenzirouj posted:

That is a great hamster name what are you talking about

Ubik posted:

She named that hamster Mussolini for a reason, and it's exactly the one you don't want it to be.

Zenzirouj posted:

Butt stuff? Gonna go with butt stuff.

No Butt Stuff posted:

No, that's terrible.

mentholmoose posted:

I giggled a bit at this response to it:

berserker posted:

Thats a big piece of poo poo.

quote:

The irony of a girl saying to her amorous male friend, "I don't want to ruin what we have" is that making such a nebulous statement can ruin their friendship. Simply put, many guys want a concrete explanation why dating is not possible. For example, "I don't date anyone on parole."

Here's an example from my life...

I once had a female friend shoot-me-down by saying, "Sorry, I won't date you because your penis is too big for my vagina." After she said that, I accepted her explanation and our friendship was not affected. Why? Because her explanation was concrete.

RandomFerret posted:

Lolitas Alright! posted:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! UGLY BABY'S DAD! UGLY BABY'S DAD!

Trig Discipline posted:

Trig Discipline posted:

I got so used to saying "man, I'd love to have that without the text"

Much like your posting

Pastrymancy posted:

Daeren posted:

_____________________/

Trig Discipline posted:

kim jong il died

Woz My Neg rear end posted:

I can't believe that now I have to choose a favorite wacky sunglasses-clad dictator who died in 2011

TOOT BOOT posted:

I'm leaning towards Steve, personally.