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I've been reading this thread (well, the last one I suppose) when I needed to since 2007. I wish I could say it's getting easier every time but it's really not. Oh well. On we go.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 17:51 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 18:21 |
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onefish posted:Agh. Have to break up with someone, don't know how to do it well because it's not like she did anything wrong. Don't do it on date, don't make a plan out of it, don't procrastinate. Don't placate her and don't waver. Straight to the point. Don't lead her on and don't give her hope that things will work out.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 17:52 |
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Minimaul posted:Don't do it on date, don't make a plan out of it, don't procrastinate. Don't placate her and don't waver. Straight to the point. Don't lead her on and don't give her hope that things will work out. And don't do it in a public place. She'll want to cry, and it's no fun to want to cry and be trapped in the middle of a restaurant. Take her on a short walk from her house or something, or do it in her car somewhere that you can just leave if you need to (and you should, after 5-10 min or so). Helps to have plans already, too. Obvious, but do it in person.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:07 |
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AJzer posted:And don't do it in a public place. She'll want to cry, and it's no fun to want to cry and be trapped in the middle of a restaurant. Take her on a short walk from her house or something, or do it in her car somewhere that you can just leave if you need to (and you should, after 5-10 min or so). Helps to have plans already, too. Obvious, but do it in person. Ok. Short walk, I guess that works. Her house is too far away, we'd never go there (I live and we work in NYC, she lives with folks on Long Island). No cars. Planning to do in person, yeah. Ok. Two posts of good thoughts, more always welcome, of course. Thanks to you both.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:11 |
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onefish posted:Agh. Have to break up with someone, don't know how to do it well because it's not like she did anything wrong. She's thoughtful, sweet, cute, and so on. But I just don't really feel like we connected - or at least, like I connected to her - on a personal/intellectual/humor level. (I suspect this is a douchey sentiment.) And I've got my own poo poo to work through, and I don't really want to be dating anyone right now (though that's probably in some part an excuse - even if I did have all my poo poo together, I'm not sure I'd want a longer-term relationship with this girl). I've never promised anything I didn't intend to deliver, never said I love you, any of that, but I still feel like she might be significantly more into me, and might not be expecting a breakup. Three month relationship at this point. Drive to her place and talk to her outside or in your car or something. Don't linger and say anything about remaining being friends. Be honest. Tell her you want to talk, she'll probably guess, and make attempts to convince you not to end it. Or she won't. And don't contact her afterwards.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:12 |
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onefish posted:Agh. Have to break up with someone, don't know how to do it well because it's not like she did anything wrong. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everyone aren't meant for each other. There are tons of people out there that you'd reject out of hand as relationship material for whatever reason, this one you had to try out for a bit longer to come to that conclusion. A douchy thing would be to drag it out after you've already decided what to do, or say/do things you don't mean just to placate her, but it sounds like you're not about to do any of those things. You're not a bad person for simply not feeling that connection and spark you need to have in a relationship.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:30 |
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I have no idea what to do, he isn't calling me and his cellphone is off. I don't want to go to his house and do it, his parents will probably be there, and I want to do it today because if I don't it will just be harder, I won't do it and continue being miserable because of the same bullshit. He probably isn't expecting it, either, as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. But that's because he doesn't ever listen. ETA: Either that or he IS, and wants me to do it. He told me when I met him he usually didn't break up, he would push the girl to it. Now I don't know.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:39 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:I have no idea what to do, he isn't calling me and his cellphone is off. I don't want to go to his house and do it, his parents will probably be there, and I want to do it today because if I don't it will just be harder, I won't do it and continue being miserable because of the same bullshit. Irrelevant if he's expecting it or not. Just do what you got to do to make yourself happy and to get past this. His feelings are for him to deal with. If he's the kind of sissy that passive aggressively gets girls to dump him when he's over it then gently caress him. What a twit.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:52 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:I have no idea what to do, he isn't calling me and his cellphone is off. I don't want to go to his house and do it, his parents will probably be there, and I want to do it today because if I don't it will just be harder, I won't do it and continue being miserable because of the same bullshit.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 18:56 |
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Minimaul posted:Irrelevant if he's expecting it or not. Just do what you got to do to make yourself happy and to get past this. His feelings are for him to deal with. If he's the kind of sissy that passive aggressively gets girls to dump him when he's over it then gently caress him. What a twit. I needed to read that. It's true. Thanks. Aralan posted:Perhaps it's the old "She can't break up with me if she can't get a hold of me" gambit No, pretty much he's been this way forever, we say "sure, we'll see each other tomorrow, love ya!" and he'd disappear the other day leaving me upset and then try and compensate for it and I'd fall for it. The thing is, this is something I actually have to see him in person to do, and it drives me even crazier that after last night's "fight" he'd do it again. I'm heading out, first I'll call his mom to see if he's around. I don't want to waste more gas than I have to, and I have a pretty busy day/week as it is. I even told him I had until noon to see each other! What the hell!
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:07 |
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Girl I've been hooking up with for a few months and officially seeing for three weeks wants a "small break". I don't know what the gently caress she means by this, but I'm going to assume it's not good. Hopefully it doesn't involve other guys, but I think it does.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:10 |
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Bronan posted:Girl I've been hooking up with for a few months and officially seeing for three weeks wants a "small break". I don't know what the gently caress she means by this, but I'm going to assume it's not good. Hopefully it doesn't involve other guys, but I think it does. What type of emphasis did she put on the word 'small'? Did she glance at your crotch?
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:11 |
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Sockmuppet posted:There's absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everyone aren't meant for each other. There are tons of people out there that you'd reject out of hand as relationship material for whatever reason, this one you had to try out for a bit longer to come to that conclusion. A douchy thing would be to drag it out after you've already decided what to do, or say/do things you don't mean just to placate her, but it sounds like you're not about to do any of those things. You're not a bad person for simply not feeling that connection and spark you need to have in a relationship. Ok, yes, this makes sense. However: should I avoid SAYING anything like that ("I just don't feel like we really connected") in the conversation? It seems to me like that would come off just as "I don't quite like you enough." Appropriate to hear in a breakup conversation or no?
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:18 |
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Bronan posted:Girl I've been hooking up with for a few months and officially seeing for three weeks wants a "small break". I don't know what the gently caress she means by this, but I'm going to assume it's not good. Hopefully it doesn't involve other guys, but I think it does. You take a break too. Don't sit around pining for this girl, wondering and tormenting yourself into hell and back waiting for a girl that put you on the back burner. Take an active roll and be in charge of YOUR LIFE. That's what this is, your life. Don't sit around waiting for some wishy-washy girl. My guess is is that she had fun hooking up, tried to date you because you were probably a decent guy but she's not 'in to you'. Meaning, she doesn't see it going any further and is letting you down nicely. Coincidentally, when they try to let someone down nicely it's the least nice thing they end up doing.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:27 |
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CrunchyTaco posted:What type of emphasis did she put on the word 'small'? Did she glance at your crotch? Nah, she woulda said "microscopic" if that was the case. Trying to talk to her about it now. Pretty irate, but I'm not going to let that seep into the discussion.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 19:27 |
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onefish posted:Ok, yes, this makes sense. However: should I avoid SAYING anything like that ("I just don't feel like we really connected") in the conversation? It seems to me like that would come off just as "I don't quite like you enough." Appropriate to hear in a breakup conversation or no? If you think about it on those terms, it's harsher than drawing a strict line between romance and friendship, where there's no gradation between them. I'm a big proponent of honesty, but you don't want to shove it in her face. Start with something really general, like "I just don't see this working out," and if (when) the inevitable clarification questions come, phrase it in terms of romantic feelings, and you, only. I'm thinking like "I don't feel the same connection as before." or "I just can't see this continuing considering how my feelings have changed." If she asks if there's anything she can do, you have to answer "No". In all cases, this is about how you feel, and leaves no room for her to try and come up with reasons why she had some concrete failure that could possibly salvage the relationship. It also says nothing about liking her "enough," it's about liking her "in that way." Still, don't suggest friendship unless she really presses you for it, and only then should you suggest a possibility, at some long, far-off indeterminate time in the future when you both have a chance to completely table the romantic feelings. Here's where you tell her it would be a bad idea to be in touch for a while, and then you sever and let her move on.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 22:51 |
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AJzer posted:If you think about it on those terms, it's harsher than drawing a strict line between romance and friendship, where there's no gradation between them. This was really helpful and makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
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| # ? Feb 7, 2011 22:54 |
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Bronan posted:Girl I've been hooking up with for a few months and officially seeing for three weeks wants a "small break". I don't know what the gently caress she means by this, but I'm going to assume it's not good. Hopefully it doesn't involve other guys, but I think it does. I said it before in another thread and I'll say it again: "break" is a code word for someone who means "I'm too scared or too stupid to break up with you so I'm going to try and get out of this with a minimum of effort". Minimaul's advice is spot on; do not sit around doing nothing while waiting for her to make up her mind. Honestly, you've only been dating for three weeks. She probably wants to break up but is just too scared/shy/dumb to do it. Don't sweat it and move on.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 00:10 |
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so tonight I got about 6 texts through from her asking for her stuff back and telling me to "give me something [reply] before I do something stupid", as in what... reply before you self harm or something? gently caress off. She knows I have her address. All I have is some xbox games of hers which will go in a jiffy bag tomorrow, what the gently caress right? I slipped up and read a forum I know she posts on (e-stalked I guess?) and saw her talking about how awful I was being and wah wah wah, I am such a victim bullshit. All I could do is laugh. She had obviously read my twitter page, which although not at all blatant, did contain enough to deduce that I had been laid. She said something about how "he's just dealing with this by being awful, I couldn't do that, it only makes you feel better for 10 minutes". It's taking every ounce of will power to not reply with "it made me feel better for at least 3 hours". edit - I am drunk Le Pen fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 01:26 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 01:22 |
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Le Pen, go hang out with some friends, turn your phone off, and unplug your internet before you do or say something stupid
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 01:46 |
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Le Pen posted:Uh oh You really should not be drinking if the situation is still that fresh and unstable. Get as far away from the internet as you can if you don't trust yourself to e-stalk her. And get her stuff to her pronto, that will make life a lot more simple. The faster you do all of this the faster you can move on.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:05 |
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Le Pen posted:so tonight I got about 6 texts through from her asking for her stuff back and telling me to "give me something [reply] before I do something stupid", as in what... reply before you self harm or something? gently caress off. She knows I have her address. All I have is some xbox games of hers which will go in a jiffy bag tomorrow, what the gently caress right? So many things wrong with this. First being that you can get in trouble for posting that you're drunk. But second, drinking in a situation like this makes it more difficult. You're more likely to respond (which is bad and breaks the no contact) and it's a depressant. Stop drinking, don't respond and for the love of god DON'T STALK HER. She might very well be posting in hopes you read it and have the reaction you're having right now. And even if she isn't, sometimes people just need to get things off their chests that only do because of the anonymity. So, my update... My just PMed me and I'm pretty okay with it. Not wanting to be friends or anything but not hysterically sobbing when it happened. I kind of don't care...  It's a nice feeling!
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:21 |
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I did it. Why do I feel so bad? I'm really sad. And crying like a baby... Sweet As Sin fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 05:39 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:35 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:I did it. Why do I feel so bad? I'm really sad. This will pass, promise  I felt like absolute poo poo when I broke up with my ex, sobbed harder than I had in a long time. And you'll feel guilty. Just remember that you needed to do this, it was for the best, you are not a bad person for it, and you both with (hopefully) grow and learn from the situation. It will be alright.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:46 |
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I hope so. I'm having second thoughts, I'm not sure that it was the right thing, and that it can be fixed, I don't know. But I did make a choice, so I won't be bothering him. He took it pretty hard, really wasn't expecting it, and from something so simple to him. It is a good thing I don't have cell phone credit. I won't be making any calls. It is the first time I break up with someone. Why is it so horrible?
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:52 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:It is the first time I break up with someone. Why is it so horrible? It's because no one likes to see someone they care about hurting.  It's a normally feeling and with time, you'll feel better. You made a decision and even if you're not feeling great about it right now, there's a reason you felt it was the right one to make. It's better for you both in the long run.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 05:54 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:I hope so. I'm having second thoughts, I'm not sure that it was the right thing, and that it can be fixed, I don't know. There's one thing that you must remember above all else. There is a reason you saw fit to break up. No matter how much you dwell on the good days, the days where everything was sweet and awesome and happy, there is a reason that you broke up. Remember that. If you decide that that reason isn't good enough and end up back together, that's fine. Sometimes it works out. Mostly, though, that reason doesn't change and mostly it's a good idea to remember why you're not together anymore. It'll be hard. It's always hard. But eventually, you'll be okay. So will he. Hang in there. Feel sad, grieve, get it all out. Then pick yourself up and get on with your life. You'll be okay.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 07:34 |
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Lackadaisical posted:So many things wrong with this. First being that you can get in trouble for posting that you're drunk. The sequence of events isn't as bad as it came across in my post I don't think... Got about 6 texts of varying degress of crazy from her throughout the night, then I had a hot toddy (cold remedy, whiskey + boiling water + honey) because I was sick, and then made the mistake of investigating what she'd been saying. I didn't post anything or text anything anywhere. I haven't cracked on the replying front at all, but absolutely agree that I shouldn't be looking at what she is saying on the internet. I guess that honestly, I'm enjoying the fact she is hurt by what happened. I spent the whole time with her without her showing any emotion and she really twisted the knife on the break up, telling me she loved me that it was her not me etc. I have no desire to get back with her at all now. The whole relationship was a learning experience and in the future, the girls who don't give you anything back are not relationship girls. I think the problem was that I felt like I had to "win" with her, and because she never gave me what I wanted back, it just pushed me more and more towards trying to get it. I've realised though that whether conciously or not, she is an awful person to be with. She dragged me down to her level, crushed my self esteem, made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her, invalidated my feelings and refused to discuss any issues I bought up and finally, started withdrawing sex which was pretty much the only affection I had previously got from her. I feel bad for her because I think she did all that because of deep self loathing, but not as much as I feel a big "gently caress you" to her for making me feel so poo poo about myself, and not as much as I'm annoyed at myself for having let someone manipulate me so easily.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 08:08 |
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Le Pen posted:The sequence of events isn't as bad as it came across in my post I don't think... You really shouldn't be reading what she writes about you. She shouldn't either. You're doing well to not reply. Keep that up. Try to drop off her things at a time it's very likely that she won't be home or, if you have mutual friends, ask if one of them would mind giving those things back the next time they see her (if they're comfortable with it; don't press it). Don't leave a note and don't trash her stuff; just box it up and let it go. Also, be cautious about rebounding while you're still so angry. It seems like people are most likely to seek out a new relationship when they're in the anger phase because it's often misinterpreted as acceptance. Take things slow.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 08:51 |
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Le Pen posted:
It does sound like she had issues, maybe she didn't want you to get close in case those came to surface and you pegged her as a crazy. I wouldn't be annoyed, I mean you obviously tried to get close to her but it sounds as if she pushed you away. I'd be hurt by that too as it comes across as though she didn't care enough to share her feelings, knowing that it was potentially destroying the relationship. Maybe that was her intention. Anyway, she doesn't sound like a happy and secure person. Although, that doesn't matter now but I wouldn't beat yourself up, especially regarding the innocuous snooping, you were drunk. Dappy Phuck fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 11:39 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 11:33 |
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NerdyNautilusGirl posted:There's one thing that you must remember above all else. There is a reason you saw fit to break up. No matter how much you dwell on the good days, the days where everything was sweet and awesome and happy, there is a reason that you broke up. Remember that. If you decide that that reason isn't good enough and end up back together, that's fine. Sometimes it works out. Mostly, though, that reason doesn't change and mostly it's a good idea to remember why you're not together anymore. It'll be hard. It's always hard. But eventually, you'll be okay. So will he. Hang in there. Feel sad, grieve, get it all out. Then pick yourself up and get on with your life. You'll be okay. Yes. I mean, if things do change, which is the reason I broke up with him (and I don't ask for much), I'd get back with him. But that's a big if and besides, it is out of my hands. One of his closest friends, who is boyfriend of my best friend, says he's realy selfish and only reacts when something really bad happens, so there's a possibility. But I'm not going to be hopeful, I'll grieve what I must and go on whatever happens. I feel better today, lovely still, but better. Thank you goons, it is nice to feel supported.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 15:42 |
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Thanks, y'all. I threw down the gauntlet yesterday afternoon and called her bluff, and we ended up having a long talk like adults (which was what I wanted in the first place) and working a lot of things out. She admitted that she's used to running away from situations rather than dealing with them, and I told her that I don't work like that and that running away from issues just leaves them to fester rather than actually fixing poo poo. We're cool for now, but I'm keeping my guard up regardless. I really don't have to put up with any sort of drama like this, considering that I live in L.A. and can't throw a stick without hitting a cute, single girl. I just happen to like this one a whole lot. Haha.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:03 |
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After a few weeks already my ex seems to be wanting to rekindle things, but I've shot it all down. When we broke up and she asked if we could still be friends, I did the rule thing of "Yes, but not now. We need time apart." and have promptly stopped messaging her. Having now been across the world for a few weeks will hopefully help, as it's about the best distance I can bring, and any message she sent to me was not responded to, although they all "seemed harmless." "Happy New Years." and "I'm back in Shanghai" now. I responded to the first and didn't to the other, and it was just a happy new years back. When I broke up with her, it was the day before my flight back to the USA for a few weeks, and I probably did break her heart pretty hard, considering she asked silly questions after the break up such as "Do you still not want to see me before you leave" and I answered. "We aren't together anymore, and I don't want to send the wrong message to you." I never yelled at her, but she never wanted to work out differences, although she did drop the "But I still love you!" card before we broke up. Either way, this one has been far more successful than my last breakup, as I broke it up BEFORE I left the country. I'm going to assume it's best I don't tell her when I'm back in town. I'm going to go meet new people instead around the campus and clubs. (More careful on the later)
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:18 |
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Bronan posted:Thanks, y'all. I threw down the gauntlet yesterday afternoon and called her bluff, and we ended up having a long talk like adults (which was what I wanted in the first place) and working a lot of things out. She admitted that she's used to running away from situations rather than dealing with them, and I told her that I don't work like that and that running away from issues just leaves them to fester rather than actually fixing poo poo. You confronted her and she wavered in her wanting a break. How bout you go find one of those cute single girls that you won't have to get your guard up with. SolidPolonium posted:After a few weeks already my ex seems to be wanting to rekindle things, but I've shot it all down. You owe her nothing. It's her fault if she wants to get back with the person that ripped her heart out. Contacting her would give her hope, hope is the enemy during a breakup. There's nothing for you to gain by contacting her except dragging her along. It's over, let it be over. Minimaul fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 17:23 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:18 |
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Minimaul posted:You owe her nothing. It's her fault if she wants to get back with the person that ripped her heart out. Contacting her would give her hope, hope is the enemy during a breakup. There's nothing for you to gain by contacting her except dragging her along. It's over, let it be over. Glad I'm doing the right thing then. Plenty of other Chinese girls to talk with. And guys too, but that's just because they make good friends. Espy fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 17:28 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:26 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:One of his closest friends, who is boyfriend of my best friend, says he's realy selfish and only reacts when something really bad happens, so there's a possibility. Uh, no it's not. This is a perfect sign that you shouldn't bother. It's not just about whether someone will change when it's important to you; it's also about what you have to go through for that change. So every time there's something you require for the relationship, you're going to break up with him? If what you want is reasonable and/or something he can actually do, he should be doing it under a lot less epic circumstances.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:44 |
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If somebody has to change for you then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Find somebody you're actually compatible with. Nothing worse in a relationship than somebody trying to change the other person, or demand lots of things (for their own needs). Cause the other person does it and then ends up resenting you for it, or they don't and it's over or they do do it and they're a gutless loser with no self-worth (often the type of person that 'needs someone to complete them') and then it fails because the person that changed is boring and spineless and the changer loses interest or abuses them and it's overall a failed, lovely relationship because both people suck. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it fully failed. You can learn something positive from it and use that knowledge to help you in the future. Minimaul fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2011 around 17:55 |
| # ? Feb 8, 2011 17:51 |
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AJzer posted:Uh, no it's not. This is a perfect sign that you shouldn't bother. It's not just about whether someone will change when it's important to you; it's also about what you have to go through for that change. No, everything else was wonderful and whenever someone did feel like something wasn't working we'd talk about it and fix it. Both of us. But not this, and I've expressed its importance a innumerable amount of times throughout the relationship, to no avail. I find very reasonable what I ask of him, and if yesterday he told me he was willing to make the effort, I wouldn't have broken up. I'm not saying this will be permanent, as I am actually open to patch things up and remain a couple, but I won't bother if we'll be in the exact same situation and I'll be miserable about it again in a couple of weeks. If he doesn't care about it, well, he won't, and I'll definitely move on. But if he does, well, I do make mistakes too.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 18:02 |
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Sweet As Sin posted:It is the first time I break up with someone. Why is it so horrible? Sweet As Sin posted:If he doesn't care about it, well, he won't, and I'll definitely move on. But if he does, well, I do make mistakes too. You're feeling guilty and seeing him hurt is hurting you and making you feel bad and want to take it all back and be cushy lovey dovey and happy and joyful and feel yourself in their arms and forget about all the bad stuff and move forward because you think you'll be stronger now and it's just a bump in the road and and and and and and and and. You broke up with them for a reason. Don't let guilt blind your true feelings that you've already acted upon.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 18:23 |
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| # ? May 22, 2013 18:21 |
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Well, of course I do feel bad. But I'm also a rational person, and I'm saying if x happens, I'll do y, else I'll move on. And I did say I wouldn't go back only to feel the same after two weeks. I've never been a very sentimental person, I use my head more than my heart, if you will. Even if it hurts pretty bad, and it does.
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| # ? Feb 8, 2011 18:44 |
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