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Lackadaisical posted:I have absolutely no hope or even desire of rekindling my relationship with my ex. Saying that, or even realizing that is kind of major for me. Sweet! One step forward. Lackadaisical posted:But we started talking about our relationship via text today.1* Dammit! Five steps backward. Lackadaisical posted:To be fair, he probably is a lot more okay than me, just based off his personality. What he is, what he does (even who he does) is of no concern to you. The less you know about that the better. It does not help you in any way to know anything about it. To talk to him. To think about him. To think about him thinking about you. To think about you thinking about him if he's thinking about you. To wonder if he's hurting like you. Of course he's not bothered by it. He's over it and moving on with his life without you being a part of it. Do yourself a favor and stop talking to him, for serious this time. As you can see by the evidence - the pain you feel now - contact is a very bad thing and it helps in no way possible. Lackadaisical posted:I was always way more emotional and he was a very logical person. So even if I am the only one still bothered by the breakup, it's nothing personal. That is some silly justification to assuage your bad feelings. You're searching for closure through him. You're trying to appease yourself, through how he is. It's all bad, horrible and lame. Stop it. Find it within yourself to 1) accept things. 2) realize you don't need him. 3) fix yourself. 4) move on. Lackadaisical posted:It was nice to hear because it reaffirmed what I already knew You already knew, but you asked anyway. That's torturing yourself and wasting your time in finding validation in others. Lackadaisical posted:But I feel like I'm back to where I was right after we broke up. The pain is just horrible. Before I used to be mostly ok with bad times, but now I'm back to just feeling so horribly in pain all the time. That's because you ARE back to right after you two broke up. It's because you tried to find closure from somebody else. Did I post about closure / asking questions in this thread yet? I can't remember. Anyway, here's a quick version. Closure, or trying to find out the "Why's" will never help. That's not where you get closure. Closure comes from acceptance and moving forward in a positive way. When you have a nice talk or talk about what happened it hardly ever solves things. It only exacerbates the situation because it WILL raise more questions. It's a never ending cycle of circular questions, pain, more questions. Every questions answered by them brings up more questions and more and more and more. And now you're back to square one with nothing resolved. Closure isn't external, as in from other people. It's purely internal. You are in control of this and you alone can make it better or worse. ('this' meaning getting through the breakup, obviously can't stop someone from dumping you) VVV - yes! stop beating yourselves up. Minimaul fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2011 around 18:38 |
| # ? Feb 10, 2011 18:23 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 20:28 |
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You guys gotta stop hitting yourselves with hammers, seriously.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 18:33 |
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My ex stopped talking to me about a month after we broke up(when we broke up he said we could still talk and whatever) from a long distance relationship which I've been fine with since he obviously needs space. However, over winter break a bunch of our friends who had moved away but were in town for the holidays got together. I was there, he was there, I didn't know he was going to be there when I agreed to go, he didn't know I was going to be there, he made pains not to interact with me the whole time so I didn't try to make him. I get home and he sends me this catty text (obviously sarcastic and not genuine) "SO glad we can handle our post-relationship interactions like adults!" Confused, I responded that if he wanted to talk to me he should've told he was in town and we could have met up or something, but I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong at the bar blah blah blah. Fast forward to Tuesday, I was finally able to move his books and records to his brother's apartment. I get an e-mail at 2 in the morning (so 3 in NY where he moved) "thanks for my stuff have a fun life" which upset me because it came off as a catty "bye forever" message. I deleted it without responding but I'm wondering: Should I have responded politely? If he does more of this poo poo should I keep ignoring it or ask him what the deal is or what? I basically don't know why he's mad me at me all of a sudden when he was quite fine for a month after the break up.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 19:32 |
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He's being a catty bitch, don't start into it with him, just ignore it.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 19:41 |
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I think I have this one figured out.Tobasko posted:I get home and he sends me this catty text (obviously sarcastic and not genuine) "SO glad we can handle our post-relationship interactions like adults!" Confused, I responded that if he wanted to talk to me he should've told he was in town and we could have met up or something, but I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong at the bar blah blah blah. See, he avoided you the whole night (after breaking contact with you, after all) and then got angry enough with you to send you a super-sarcastic message. The Aagar Interpretation: He was expecting you to approach him and want to talk. Whatever his motives (and it doesn't matter what they are), he wants you to be pining for him, and you aren't. That pissed him off. You can't even blame it on alcohol because of what happened Tuesday. Out of curiousity, who broke up with whom? From the way you put it (him needing space) it sounds like he initiated it. Also, you were wrong to respond, because you are reinforcing childish behavior by rewarding it with attention. quote:Fast forward to Tuesday, I was finally able to move his books and records to his brother's apartment. I get an e-mail at 2 in the morning (so 3 in NY where he moved) "thanks for my stuff have a fun life" which upset me because it came off as a catty "bye forever" message. The Aagar Interpretation: He is hurt that you have moved on. That means he hasn't. Tough poo poo for him. If he initiated the break-up and he's having second thoughts, he can learn from his mistake and carry that on with him to improve his future relationships. So, to answer your question - no. Don't contact him, don't talk to him, don't ask him what's up. It doesn't matter anymore, it isn't your problem. It sounds like you won't have to interact with him much in the future, if ever. Maybe you will - if that's the case it's probably best to just say "Hello" and "How are you?" and leave it at that. If he wants to have a conversation just be curt and polite and try and get away from it at your earliest opportunity.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 19:43 |
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Tobasko posted:I deleted it without responding but I'm wondering: Should I have responded politely? If he does more of this poo poo should I keep ignoring it or ask him what the deal is or what? I basically don't know why he's mad me at me all of a sudden when he was quite fine for a month after the break up. That's perfect. Ignore and delete. Those are what I call 'bait' statements. They bait you into an argument, or responding. Which does nothing to help you and whatever reasons the person said those things are asinine and selfish and mean-spirited. If they want to be like that they don't deserve your kindness. He's mad because he wanted attention and to be fawned over and told how much you missed him and poo poo like that. He didn't get whatever attention or response he had built up in his mind (if he ever happened to see you) so he lashed out. It's kind of like Lackadaisical's situation up there in some ways. Lackadaisical is hurt because her ex doesn't care and shows no feeligns but she gets down and depressed and beats herself up. When your ex did the same thing, because you didn't act like he assumed you would ("Why isn't he/she hurting like me", etc) then he lashed out at you with snarky comments to goad you into a fight to let him get his bitterness off. Aagar posted:It sounds like you won't have to interact with him much in the future, if ever. Maybe you will - if that's the case it's probably best to just say "Hello" and "How are you?" and leave it at that. If he wants to have a conversation just be curt and polite and try and get away from it at your earliest opportunity. I'd like to expand on this a little bit and it's for everybody. When your ex - or anybody - is contacting you and you don't have the heart to just say "GO gently caress YOURSELF DIPSTICK I HATE YOU. EAT poo poo AND DIE. LEAVE ME ALONE OR MY DAD WILL KICK YOUR DADS rear end!" and if you do respond, which I don't think you should at all, if you haven't learned the greatness of The Sever yet, then reply with simple answers. And, most importantly DO NOT ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. Or any questions in fact. them: hey hows it going? you said youd pay part of the last vet bill, can i get that fifty bucks? you: Yes, the money has just been transferred to your secret off-shore bank account. them: thanks. so how was work today? that one employee still spitting in your coffee? you: good. no. [at this point you shouldn't even respond and just ignore them] DO NOT ask questions or leave open ended statements for them to grasp at. Straight and to the point. them: hey hows it going? you said youd pay part of the last vet bill, can i get that fifty bucks? you: i've been better. Doctor says I need a backiotomy, and my roids are flaring again. I'm super lonely and scared at night. Yes, the money has just been transferred to your secret off-shore bank account. How are you? Still banging the person you left me for? Minimaul fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2011 around 20:08 |
| # ? Feb 10, 2011 19:48 |
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Aagar posted:
I broke up with him, after a long time of trying to make it work. He got free or heavily discounted flights from his parents working at American Airlines but still for some reason couldn't find the time/money/energy to come visit me on countless weekends, even my birthday and valentine's day. After a while I was just tired of constantly crying and being let down and had to end it so I could be happy again. Your explanations definitely make sense and I'll keep ignoring anything he sends me. Thanks!
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 20:06 |
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Minimaul posted:Words  Haha, so much analysis of what I posted! I guess I should elaborate on what we were talking about... One of the major contributing factors to our break-up was my health problems. I had already been pretty self-conscious about having so many for being so young, but having them used against me in the break-up was incredibly hurtful. I just wanted to know if that was the sole reason. It wasn't. And to be honest, hearing that it wasn't really helped. He was even nice enough to offer advice on how I should handle them in regards to relationships in the future. So it helped me deal with a major insecurity that I'm having a hard time dealing with on my own. I would rather know I got dumped because he didn't think we had a future. It just came with the pain of having to hear from him and all the silly irrational thoughts that stem from it. But ya, I'm an idiot. I'm back to no contact.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:07 |
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I believe I'm in the premonition phase, and have been for quite some time, although I've been feeling a lot of denial about this already. Long story short, been dating a great, interesting, not too crazy girl for just under three years long distance. We're from the same town but she goes away for school, met working at a coffee shop, decided to stick it out through the school year and have wonderful summers and visit often(it's only about 6 hours by train). We've had our fair share of troubles, mainly communication issues, but for the past few months It's been extremely taxing on me emotionally to talk to her or be with her and I can tell she's been feeling the same way. It's clear she's extremely stressed about her studies, and lack of finding a job so far, and while I'm earnestly trying to help her and be supportive, it always ends up as a confrontation. We've been fighting almost constantly and both been making resolutions to 'make things better' but failing to act upon them. She's in her final semester of university now and working on lining up a job in our hometown. We're both unhappy at this point but are holding onto some shred of hope that when we are no longer in a long-distance relationship we'll actually be able to move forward and make some real progress together. I probably would have ended it by now if it wasn't for the fact we would be able to have a 'normal relationship so soon, that and the fact that we have been planning a trip to NYC for a while (even causing me to get my passport  ) and I scheduled my week of vacation around that, and her reading week, which is two weeks from now. I've told myself many times that I want nothing more than to get out of this relationship, but whenever we discuss it as a serious option (we did so at length last night via skype) I get all pussyfooted and try and make everything good again, even sending some long rear end "boo hoo I know we can make this work" email to her last night after our fight. That and the valentine I sent her is currently en route via canada post. So I'm asking the internet, what would you do in my shoes, with a failing relationship I want to save but am unsure if that's possible at this point, an expensive trip upcoming, and the end to our long-distance worries not too far away.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:30 |
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Lackadaisical posted:
Other people should not be the foundation for your self-esteem. If you want to fix your insecurity, fix it yourself. That's the only way it will happen. Other people cajoling your feelings won't fix the actual problem. All he did was tell you what you wanted to hear. He probably dumped you because he didn't think you had a future together because you were insecure and he doesn't want to babysit. There's more than one reason to breakup with people and often times when people say they are being honest they are leaving stuff out or phrasing it in a way to where you don't hear what you fear. No decent person is going to say "I dumped you because you suck.***" especially if they know how insecure and what your issues are. You you you you you you. You fix you. You are your own independent person. What other people think is irrelevant, only what you think about yourself. If I say, 'oh you look totally hot today!' you'll say thanks, get small ego boost that you need to sustain your tiny positive self-image. Then hide away inside your mind thinking "oh, just hot today, huh? ugh. i'm so ugly i rarely look good. only sometimes." So, it's irrelevant what other people say or think or do because you're going to negate that on your own. Stop that from happening, stop that negativity, stop what ever it is bringing you down. If I can stop being insecure and ashamed and shy and bitter and needy and self-loathing and everything else I was, then you can stop whatever you are as well. The boost and assurances you get are only temporary and until you can survive on your own without other people guiding you along you won't do well at all. ***I don't think you suck and as harsh as I am I don't hate you or anything like that. Please understand I'm just trying to help in my own GoonyGoon way. I can sperg words all day long, but it's up to you to listen or not.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:39 |
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OK so I broke up with my girlfriend of ~1yr and I'm beginning to feel I was wrong in doing it. A couple of days ago I answered the wrong cellphone (hers is the same model and color as mine) and I saw a conversation which appeared to be her making plans with some guy to cheat on me this thursday (today), but I'm beginning to think it wasn't what it seemed. Mainly because things aren't adding up. She is claiming that the person who was texting her was probably an old F buddy who still had her number. And that she was just trying to lead him on, not actually go out and cheat on me. She says she has no way to prove this, but she pointed out that some things don't quite add up 1- In the conversation she asks for the guy's name, and he never replies back with it. 2- If she doesn't know his name, she doesn't know where he lives. And he doesn't know where she lives either, she's moved to 2 different cities since we started dating. 3- Claims that at the end of the conversation, she sent him something along the lines of "haha I'm just loving with you, I have a boyfriend. I don't even know who you are!" I have no idea if this is true or not, I read about 50% of the conversation before I packed up my poo poo and left her house. And I've been thinking to myself and something else doesn't add up. In the convo, she tells the guy that she wants to meet up on thursday, but the thing is, she had plans to spend the night at my house wednesday, thursday, and friday. She did tell me (before the cell phone convo took place) that she had a work meeting on thursday at 4pm, and I just sort of assumed that her "work meeting" actually meant going to go slob on someone else's knob. But I called her work, and she does have a meeting at 4 like she said. Now, my first thought hearing this was "well, she's probably going to go to her work meeting -> cheat on me -> back to my place" but then I remembered something. She asked me, *at a time after the text message convo I saw took place* to drive her to her work meeting because her car's tabs expired. Rather that doing that, I helped her pay for her tabs, and she told me "ok I'll be back at your place by 6 on thursday!" which would hardly be enough time to cheat (her work is 1hr drive from my house, so assuming a 1hr meeting, 6pm seems right) And also this means that she was planning on having ME drive her to that meeting anyway. Any advice? Oh, she was also telling me that she's willing to give me her text message history, but I'm pretty sure most cell phone providers can't/won't do this without a court order or something, right?
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:46 |
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Minimaul posted:***I don't think you suck and as harsh as I am I don't hate you or anything like that. Please understand I'm just trying to help in my own GoonyGoon way. I can sperg words all day long, but it's up to you to listen or not.  I fully expect to get yelled at for my stupidity in here. Although I will say this, I know I need to fix my own insecurity about my health problems, but I'm also honestly scared that they might be too much for someone to deal with. It took 2 years for my ex to realize that he wasn't strong enough to deal with them and I honestly thought he was okay with them. After seeing me through two surgeries, living with me for a year with all my problems, and volunteering to come with me to numerous doctors appointments, it reallyyyy surprised me to hear him cite that as the reason he was dumping me. I'm still scared at the thought of ever dating again, but knowing that it wasn't solely the medical issues DOES help. Before I was scared of ever dating again because I didn't know how long it'd take the next person to realize they can't deal with my problems. Now I'm just scared because it hasn't been long enough.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:48 |
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Lackadaisical posted:
I hope you keep it this time Lack. Everytime you talk to him you always feel this way, I hope you can understand that. Also, your ex seems like a emotionless rear end in a top hat, due to that fact that he said the reasons behind not dating you anymore were do to your physical/mental health issues, but he brought this up in a loving resturant. People like that aren't going to feel the same way as people like the ones in this thread. They get over things faster than us. Don't look for those emotions in that type of person.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:56 |
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Lackadaisical posted:Before I was scared of ever dating again because I didn't know how long it'd take the next person to realize they can't deal with my problems. Now I'm just scared because it hasn't been long enough. If you can Woman-up and deal with them head on and head up then it won't be an issue. Work that out first, then date. Don't let those medical issues define you. If they are just a part of life then that's OK and people can deal with that. But if they define you then they hold you back and they hurt you. That is what breaks relationships, potential and otherwise. Keep on trying. It's not easy and it's not quick. But it IS possible.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 21:58 |
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ohshititsric posted:
Go back and read page 5. It's mostly entirely about "Hope". Both of you are hoping for the same thing, but it's not actually the foundation for a relationship. Since you're not making things better NOW and just sitting around HOPING things get better, they won't. Read page 5. ohshititsric posted:I've told myself many times that I want nothing more than to get out of this relationship, but whenever we discuss it as a serious option (we did so at length last night via skype) I get all pussyfooted and try and make everything good again, You want to breakup. You know it's best. You've answered your own question. ohshititsric posted:So I'm asking the internet, what would you do in my shoes, with a failing relationship I want to save but am unsure if that's possible at this point, an expensive trip upcoming, and the end to our long-distance worries not too far away. Already been answered - by you. You WANT to breakup. You're miserable. Don't let future obligations keep you in a relationship that you don't want to be in and that makes you miserable. Man up and take charge of your wants and needs. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it in the future.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 22:04 |
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Drunken Lullabies posted:OK so I broke up with my girlfriend of ~1yr and I'm beginning to feel I was wrong in doing it. A couple of days ago I answered the wrong cellphone (hers is the same model and color as mine) and I saw a conversation which appeared to be her making plans with some guy to cheat on me this thursday (today), but I'm beginning to think it wasn't what it seemed. Mainly because things aren't adding up. You were right to dump her. She was going to cheat on you. It doesn't take rocket scientist, dude. Don't believe her lovely lies and back pedaling. It's over. Don't get back with her, no, you didn't make a mistake. Stop talking to her. You're being played like a chump. You're also being creepy and needy. She isn't actually going to give you her text history. She just said that to get you off her back cause making the offer would appease you of her poser-innocence. FORGET ABOUT THIS GIRL SHE IS/DID/WILL/HAS/MIGHT/WANTS TO CHEAT ON YOU. Did you breakup with her because of this incident? or did you notice this after you broke up? Either way, it's over. Stop apologizing for her and coming up with excuses for her. The writing is on the wall. Minimaul fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2011 around 22:14 |
| # ? Feb 10, 2011 22:10 |
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casual poster posted:I hope you keep it this time Lack. Everytime you talk to him you always feel this way, I hope you can understand that. Minimaul posted:If you can Woman-up and deal with them head on and head up then it won't be an issue. Work that out first, then date. Don't let those medical issues define you. If they are just a part of life then that's OK and people can deal with that. But if they define you then they hold you back and they hurt you. That is what breaks relationships, potential and otherwise. Thank you both for that. Between my medical problems, the impact they're having on my life and the horrible depression that I'm dealing with about that, then getting dumped for them (by a guy who told me he could see himself marrying me 1 week before he ended things), I'm having a really hard time coping right now. So, ya, thanks for the encouragement. Despite the stupid decisions I've made recently, I really am trying.
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| # ? Feb 10, 2011 23:45 |
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Eggnogium posted:Better option is to block entirely but it takes a lot of willpower. No it doesn't. Man up and just do it. You sound creepy suggesting the willpower to sever is so overwhelming that you have to continue to stalk. Seriously, too much BS happening in here with everyone freaking out about no-contact. Just do it. It's like 5 button presses, and the worst result is, hey, you don't hear anything.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 00:19 |
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Lackadaisical posted:Between my medical problems, the impact they're having on my life and the horrible depression that I'm dealing with about that,
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 01:32 |
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Lackadaisical posted:Thank you both for that. I don't know if this helps, but I blamed myself (insecurities, depression, etc.) for the end of a relationship for a really long time but now that I'm talking to him again I realize that I don't have 100% of the blame here. He's got major commitment issues that pre- and post-date me. Also he is a huge rear end in a top hat. (My share of the blame was ignoring red flags and not calling him on being an rear end in a top hat.)
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 01:46 |
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I don’t really post that much but I really need to vent right now. I’ve been in an on again/off again relationship with the same guy since I was seventeen. I’m now twenty three and the cycle of breaking up and getting back together again is really taking its toll on me mentally. We started dating in our senior year of high school and everything went well for two years. We were living together in college when we broke up for the first time. I’ve always had anxiety and depression problems but I never thought to get help until the first break up when I felt really bad and I finally saw a therapist. I end up going on antidepressants and I move out but we still see each other at school a couple of times a week. We both tried to date other people but it didn’t work out and we ended up getting back together. We decided that living together is a bad idea. The next year he opened a store and everything went well for a few months but the strain of our relationship, owning a business and trying to be a full time student was too much for him. Once again we break up and get back together. It’s now July of 2009 he finishes school in the summer but I still have another semester to go. He becomes distant and blames it on the bad economy and the fact that he is stressed out over his business and that he needed space. I left him alone for a month, but severing completely is almost impossible because all of my friends are his friends too and cutting all contact would require one of us to leave the group. That August I find out that I need an operation that would require me to be in a wheelchair until mid October. I was extremely upset and terrified. I never could stand blood or hospitals so I had a break down and I called him and he came over, as he was still one of my closest friends, even though we weren’t dating anymore. We slept together, and I asked if he wanted to get back together. He said probably, and that we’ll talk after my surgery. For a month after the operation I was pretty much always in bed and on pain killers, when I was well enough to see him he came over and said that he was sorry but he met someone else and he didn’t mean for it to happen and that we can still be friends…blah blah blah. I was crushed, and I told him to leave me alone for awhile. He seemed to respect that, but when his relationship with the new girl fell apart a few weeks later and he tried to contact me. I told him that I wasn’t ready to talk to him and that I will let him know when I was. I started to casually date someone else that October. A few weeks into that relationship I find out that he has been questioning mutual friends about me, and that he was pissed that I was moving on. By questioning friends he finds out that new guy and me have never slept together, which becomes important later. A few weeks later and things were still causal with the new guy and we find out that my brother has a pretty serious heart condition that is genetic. My doctor recommends that I get tested even though I don’t have any symptoms, just to make sure. I have to get a sonogram of my heart and the night before I’m scheduled to go in for it my ex sends me a bunch of texts about how he still loves me and how we are soul mates and poo poo like that. I don’t even respond so the next day he calls me. I still don’t respond. So he calls my brother, who when asked where I was replied “She’s getting a sonogram!” My ex doesn’t know about the heart condition stuff and my brother doesn’t tell him. He jumps to the conclusion that I am having his baby and he drives to my house that night to confront me. I explain what’s going on and he starts crying and says that he wishes that I really was pregnant so that we could get married and live happily ever after. I fall for it like the complete loving idiot that I am. We start sleeping together and doing cupplely things even though he doesn’t want to tell people we are officially dating because our friends and family wouldn’t understand our true love. This should have been a huge loving red flag but I ignored it. I convinced myself that everything was going to be ok. January of 2010 he pretty much out of nowhere says that a relationship is too much for him right now and that we should just be friends. I told him that us just being friends never seems to work out as we always end up fighting and/or sleeping together. At this time I read the old thread decided to just sever once and for all. I told my friends not to speak about him to me and they more or less respected that. He did try to contact me a few times but I ignored it. I decided not to date anyone and to just focus on myself for awhile. In May my brother’s new band played their first show. My ex shows up, he claims he’s just there because he still my brother’s friend and he just wants to support him. I think he went just because he knew that I’d be there and that I wouldn’t blow him off in a room full of people. We hang out a bit and things are pretty friendly. He calls me a few days later and I thought that I was ready to just be his friend. So we started to hang out socially. I got laid off work last June and I was having a hard time finding a new job. My ex knew this and he asked me to work for him at his store. I was on the fence, but he said we were best friends and that nothing bad would happen. I also really needed money. Things between us started to veer into romantic territory. I tried to keep things on a friend’s only level but it was really hard. I was still in love with him. For his birthday in September a bunch of our friends were going to go camping for the weekend together. When we were on the road he tells me “Everyone else bailed, so it’s just us!” I was pissed but I felt bad that everyone else ditched him on his birthday weekend so I decided to tough it out for him. We had an amazing time. For three days it was like we were back at the beginning of our relationship. We were in love again, and surely this time things would work out. Since I am posting in the break up thread obviously they didn’t. We were back together for a few months when in December of last year he gets a business partner and they decided to open up a second location of their store about thirty miles away from where we live now. He almost immediately starts to have problems with his partner and he starts to pull away from me. He claims it is just stress. Then after Christmas we talk and he breaks down about how he has so much debt and it is hard for him to pay his bills each month. He told me he feels like a failure because by now he wanted us to be married with our own house and our life together. I told him not to worry about it; it’s not his fault the economy sucks. He says that he still loves me, but he needs a break because our relationship is too intense and puts too much pressure on him. I told him that I understood and that I’ll always be there for him. Then two weeks ago I find out that he has another girlfriend. When I confronted him he said he was sorry that he didn’t tell me himself. He said he loves me but that he has to try to be with someone else for now. He told me it’s not serious, but mutual friends tell me that they are constantly telling each other how much they love each other. That makes me sick. I don’t understand how he could be in love with me a month ago and now be in love with someone else. I can’t understand how he could be with someone else so soon. We tried to be friends and all that but I just can’t do it. I told him in September that if he wasn’t 100% sure this was going to work out that we should just stop it right there. He told me that he always loved me and that even when he was with someone else that I was always on his mind. I told him this and he said he really thought it would work out but it didn’t and that I have to accept it, but I could still be his best friend. He’s said this before. I quit his store and I told him I needed space. He said “Ok, I’ll call you next week.” I told him not to do that, and that I would contact him when I was ready. He told me he values my friendship but he respects my need to be alone. So e/n I’m sorry for all of that text but I feel that it was necessary to give you the background for the situation that I’m now in. I know I need to sever, but it’s so hard. Because of my anxitity I find it very difficult to make new friends, epically now that I’m unemployed. If I am going to even have a shot at successfully severing I’m going to have to give up almost all of my friends. I’m lucky to have a very supportive family who live close by so I’m not completely on my own. On one hand after this many break ups with the same guy it’s starting to become routine. Right now I’m having a rare moment of clarity where I know I need to move on and break the cycle. I know that I should never get back together with my ex, but I also know that if he calls me in a few weeks or months the whole mess will repeat itself again. Every time I think I’m over him I just end up falling for him again. So I don’t think I could break the cycle because a part of me hasn’t fallen out of love with him and I don’t think I ever will. I’m really feeling lost and sad right now so any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. VideoKid fucked around with this message at Feb 11, 2011 around 02:04 |
| # ? Feb 11, 2011 02:02 |
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:/ the only way to fall out love is to sever. Without contact, you'll start to forget him with time. Time is your only friend. You never tried to sever completely, so no, you'll never 'fall out of love' with him... but that's because you choose to do so. Many times. And personal opinion? That guy is a *@#^@)&&()^%#$
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 02:25 |
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VideoKid posted:words Played you like a fool a few times already and you still want him back, pretty sad actually. Sounds like you have passed up a lot of opportunities to grow and meet new people, just to get back with some rear end in a top hat who keeps dropping you when ever its convenient. Really anyone else in your shoes would have learned their lesson by now, you stick to the sever or keep making the same mistakes their is nothing else anyone in this thread can tell you. I can tell you exactly what this guy is doing. Gets with you, his confidence goes through the roof then he actually starts meeting other women. Once he knows he’s bagged a new girl he tells you he is too stressed and needs a break. As soon as the new girl realizes how huge of an rear end in a top hat your ex is they dump him then he come crawling back to you. i know you probably know this all already ,but you seriously need to loving stop before you waist your entire life loving around with this Dbag
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 03:07 |
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Drunken Lullabies posted:OK so I broke up with my girlfriend of ~1yr and I'm beginning to feel I was wrong in doing it. A couple of days ago I answered the wrong cellphone (hers is the same model and color as mine) and I saw a conversation which appeared to be her making plans with some guy to cheat on me this thursday (today), but I'm beginning to think it wasn't what it seemed. Mainly because things aren't adding up. I don't think she was going to cheat on you. Tell her that you've reconsidered and decided she was telling the truth. Or tell her that I decided that.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 03:11 |
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Paradoxus posted:Played you like a fool a few times already and you still want him back, pretty sad actually. surgical scar posted:I don't think she was going to cheat on you. Tell her that you've reconsidered and decided she was telling the truth. Or tell her that I decided that. If she truly wanted to be only with him and had no interest/desires for anyone else, she wouldn't even be stringing someone along. She'd have ignored the initial message and deleted it.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 03:33 |
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I just wanted to say I really appreciate the though love guys, as though as it is. Makes me want to be strong, not being stupid again. I'm doing pretty good at severing, by the way. Though it is loving hard. I feel like calling him or texting all the time, but what the gently caress would I say? Better this way. EDIT: Goddamn, a friend sent me a video of a male stripper to cheer me up, and it just depressed me 
Sweet As Sin fucked around with this message at Feb 11, 2011 around 04:42 |
| # ? Feb 11, 2011 04:35 |
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The impulse to text and poo poo will go away. Just keep ignoring It's a habit you'll have to break, but just be patient with yourself.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 05:19 |
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VideoKid posted:I’m really feeling lost and sad right now so any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Sh...s/dp/0440506255
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 06:19 |
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Drunken Lullabies posted:1- In the conversation she asks for the guy's name, and he never replies back with it. They could've met on Craigslist or some online dating website. Not knowing someone's name doesn't necessarily preclude knowing where they live, either. Honestly, I was reading this and it reminded me of being sixteen and trying to convince my then-boyfriend that I wasn't in love with somebody else. Trying to come up with excuses for all the texts from the other guy, making up plausible stories as to what had happened. You know what? He believed me, and eventually I dumped him for that other guy. Sure, I never actually physically cheated on him, and at the time I figured that was all that mattered... but the point remains, she's just trying to cover her arse because it's easier to stay with you and cheat on you than it is to leave. Just think about it, her story makes no loving sense. If she really had decided to gently caress with this random guy's head, why wouldn't she tell you about it beforehand, so that you didn't get the wrong idea?
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 07:11 |
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Aralan posted:How's that been going lately? Any improvements on the whole life in general front since last thread? God no. I've gotten 1000x worse. My doctor has given me the official diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but we're still eliminating options. It looks like my thyroid IS hosed but it's not why I'm so tired all the time. I have an appointment with a neurologist coming up though. Plus I went from frustrated to completely hopeless and depressed over the situation. I'm having a hard time keeping myself going with doctors appointments and school.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 07:13 |
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VideoKid posted:Yikes You need to sever once and for all. I know it sucks but when you have that kind of overly complicated history you need to just make it simple and SEVER. You won't believe the kind of growth you will go through when you begin to move on with your life. Sure it sucks but it's worth it in the end. What you're doing to yourself right now is madness and it has a simple solution, SEVER. Honestly, some people in these threads need long, detailed answers about what they should do or where they should start. For you it's as "simple" as moving on.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 07:16 |
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Lackadaisical posted:God no. I've gotten 1000x worse. My doctor has given me the official diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but we're still eliminating options. It looks like my thyroid IS hosed but it's not why I'm so tired all the time. I have an appointment with a neurologist coming up though. Plus I went from frustrated to completely hopeless and depressed over the situation. I'm having a hard time keeping myself going with doctors appointments and school. Stay strong, Lackadaisical. Keep working at it, and don't give in. You can figure this out, I know it.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 07:34 |
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Minimaul posted:You were right to dump her. She was going to cheat on you. It doesn't take rocket scientist, dude. Don't believe her lovely lies and back pedaling. It's over. Don't get back with her, no, you didn't make a mistake. Stop talking to her. You're being played like a chump. Yeah the tone of my post doesn't show it, but this is how I feel about the whole thing right now. That it's just a bunch of lies and backpedaling. It's just that the more I think about it, the more I begin to think she wasn't going to cheat on me. I still think she probably was though, and there's no way I can be 100% sure about it either way. And that's the worst part. If she would admit that "yes I tried to cheat on you, I'm sorry," I probably wouldn't have left her at all. And with how much she is trying to make me not break up with her, I sort of wish she would just do that. It sucks though, with the timing, because I just got laid off so I'm unemployed, and stuck living with a lovely abusive family, and I don't really have anywhere to go to escape anymore. But that's a different story altogether and probably temporary anyway. I guess this is why I'm bargaining so much. Drunken Lullabies fucked around with this message at Feb 11, 2011 around 08:11 |
| # ? Feb 11, 2011 07:48 |
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Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to sever it's just really hard to do, especially with the way my friend situation is. I really don’t want to lose all the people I hang out with but it looks like I might have to sever with the whole group. Tonight I was talking to one of my friends and they said “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. This happens all the time to you two. Another friend has even started a betting pool for when ex’s current fake relationship fails and you guys hook up again. My moneys on April 22.” I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I just ended the conversation there. I know that because of my mental issues I have very low self-esteem and that causes me to put up with poo poo from people that normal people wouldn’t. I guess on some level I feel like I don’t deserve any better. I’m also feeling right now that my friends are jerks. That whole betting pool thing really upsets me. My friends do stuff like that all the time to each other and I always found it to be mean spirited and lovely. I was always kind of a loner without a big group of friends until I started hanging out with these people. They all claim that it’s normal joking but I really don’t find it that funny. Do you guys think I should cut my ties to the whole group?
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 08:11 |
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For now, yes. Real friends will understand, they don't. Don't stick out if it only make you miserable, in the long run you wont get any better... and you're the only who's going to feel it. No one else. Your 'friends' are not you, they wouldn't understand, unless you speak clearly to them. Maybe some will.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 08:14 |
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Lackadaisical posted:He was even nice enough to offer advice on how I should handle them in regards to relationships in the future. I know you don't feel it right now, but someday, you're going to really cringe at that sentence. Videokid... Holy poo poo. I can't really blame your friends for running the betting pool or assuming you wouldn't be too upset about the break up, tbh. Remember that this has become tragic routine for them, too, not just you and this douchey guy who keeps leaving you. Seriously, whatever you do, do not date this guy again. EVER. You are about as opposite of 'meant to be' as it gets.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 10:19 |
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poo poo Videokid, after that wall of text, all I can say is... Can I have February 21? But really, you do deserve better. Stop letting "the love of your life" treat you like nothing more than a warm hole. Here's what you say next time he comes round and starts telling you that you're his soulmate, that you're meant to be together, etc: No. There. It's not going to be easy, and you might not even mean it. But say it anyway, and try and act like you mean it too. Don't give up your friends for it though. You'll need them, even if they do try and be funny at times.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 11:03 |
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VideoKid posted:Then two weeks ago I find out that he has another girlfriend. When I confronted him he said he was sorry that he didn’t tell me himself. He said he loves me but that he has to try to be with someone else for now. He told me it’s not serious, but mutual friends tell me that they are constantly telling each other how much they love each other. That makes me sick. I don’t understand how he could be in love with me a month ago and now be in love with someone else. I can’t understand how he could be with someone else so soon. We tried to be friends and all that but I just can’t do it. I told him in September that if he wasn’t 100% sure this was going to work out that we should just stop it right there. He told me that he always loved me and that even when he was with someone else that I was always on his mind. I told him this and he said he really thought it would work out but it didn’t and that I have to accept it, but I could still be his best friend. He’s said this before. I quit his store and I told him I needed space. He said “Ok, I’ll call you next week.” I told him not to do that, and that I would contact him when I was ready. He told me he values my friendship but he respects my need to be alone. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - what in the sweet living gently caress? There is no way around it - you are broken. You can't go into that much painstaking detail about how lovely this guy is, and then turn around and tell us you can't sever with him. It boggles the mind. He has been stringing you along for years (as was pointed out above) and you cannot muster up the stones (ovaries?) to just cut him out of your life? Further evidence - the part I bolded above. While his rap sheet is a mile long, you've had time to rack up your own misdemeanors. Who's ever 100% sure about anything in life, apart from doing nothing (i.e., doing nothing has 100% guarantee of nothing getting done)? That's just a piece of advice for when you finally get the message and move the gently caress on. Oh, and you think your friends are jerks? I know they are jerks. Bunnybean's comment aside, you had evidence of this from the get-go when they loving blabbed your business to your ex, and vice versa. Who does that in a group of mutual friends? I've had situations where two close friends broke up, and I hands-down wouldn't feed information to either of them about what the other was doing, and would be kinda pissed off if they tried to put me in that situation. The pool on your getting back together is just the icing on the poo poo cake. Also helpful tip for the future - if your ex can find out definitively from your "friends" if you've slept with someone or not, you might want to start figuring out where to put some dividers between your social life and your private life. General question: you were dating a new guy when you went for the sonogram. He just up and disappeared from the story - full stop. What the hell happened there? Anyhow, in conclusion - fix yourself. In whatever way and by whatever way necessary. You have anxiety/depression? Go to a doctor and get a script/therapy - if I had a nickel for every person I see at the mental hospital who left it too long because they thought they could cope I wouldn't have to work there anymore. You say you have supportive family - get them to help with bills or making sure you follow through or whatever. I'd also dump that group of "friends" and just rely on family until you're happy/stable enough to meet some better people. With some effort and willpower I'm betting you could really turn your life around. Or, you know, keep falling into the same pit over and over again and feel absolutely miserable while hoping that the next time you fall in the pit you will magically feel great about it. tl;dr You have chosen to surround yourself with lovely people. Get rid of them and work on your own problems. Get your family to help you.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 11:53 |
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Well my ex tried to contact me tonight, via my friends. I'd had an intense therapy session yesterday, and some new things were realized. I feel like now we're starting to get into the nitty gritty of removing his thoughts from my head( I posted in the last thread, my ex was psychologically abusive). Last few days have been positive and I've felt more committed to my diet, and just in a better place mentally. Well he stuffed that up a little. I'd made plans for my friend and her brother to come over for some tea and a chit chat. Her brother walks in on the phone, talking to my ex. We broke up early November last year. I made the mistake of calling him two months ago to tell him to forget the money he owes me. I was a bit hysterical at the time. The separation hasn't been easy due to the intensity of our relationship, and the hold he had on me. The dependancy I've had to get over. Lesson learned. Absolutely no contact since then. Blocked him on my email, I'd already deleted all photos, thrown away EVERYTHING of sentimentality (burned a few things, that was cathartic too). He made 3 attempts to get my friends brother to hand over the phone to me. I had to keep saying no. He wasn't getting the message. He used any excuse he could think of. I stood my ground, even though I had that "panic" feeling, and felt pressured into giving in for a moment, no I just refused to talk. Just sever. He's going through problems right now, I found out today, and obviously wanted me for emotional support. Not going to happen when he's already slept around. Get support from the floozies. I've none for him. He ended up chatting to my friend for ages, despite her making numerous attempts to get off the phone. He's upset and lonely and wants to talk. To people he would've given the flick too when we were together. Now he values them. He's using my friends to stay in my life. He wanted to give her brother something, but come over to my house since he was there, and give it to him. Not arrange to meet up with him later. I couldn't even be near the phone whilst he was on the other end. My friend would never have let him speak to me (her brothers another issue) and she felt obligated to be polite, but she knows what he's up too, despite his reassurances that he's just lonely. I think the only way he'll understand I don't love him anymore is if he saw me with someone else, but I don't want another relationship right now, very bad idea. He still loves me and believes in a future with me. I absolutely do not. He has threatened me, and there is no trust there on my side at all. I can't get over, and why should I, the things he's done to me. I'm never going back, but I don't like this feeling I have right now of him reaching out and having some sort of hold on me. I feel like I don't know if I can get away from him completely. He's haunting me any thoughts goon buddies? just keep up with rule 1? sever like all hell? sourbugs fucked around with this message at Feb 11, 2011 around 12:55 |
| # ? Feb 11, 2011 12:53 |
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| # ? May 23, 2013 20:28 |
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gently caress that dude Sourbugs, you don't owe him poo poo. Any type of hold he has on you is one you make up in your head. Dude means nothing. You don't need to prove that you don't love him anymore, just stay away from him and have someone tell him that you never want to see him again. He has no hold on you at all, your a free woman and can do whatever you want.
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| # ? Feb 11, 2011 14:04 |
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