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Simplify it further: any fighters who fail to kill for a round / two rounds are cut from their team.
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Oct 21, 2014 23:10
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Bene Elim posted:Simplify it further: any fighters who fail to kill for a round / two rounds are cut from their team. Oversimplified, there have been plenty of cases of fighters doing good work, removing limbs, breaking bones and the like with someone else getting the kill shot. We need to look at effectiveness: Fighters that don't do anything.
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Oct 22, 2014 12:32
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So we're just going to drop all yetis from the tournament after the first round then?
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Oct 22, 2014 12:40
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fluppet posted:So we're just going to drop all yetis from the tournament after the first round then? From 20 z-levels up. Make it rain.
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Oct 22, 2014 13:23
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AJ_Impy posted:Make it rain. A storm is brewing, I can hear chunder in the distance.
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Oct 22, 2014 14:33
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 Test Tournament, Losers championship matchLosers championship match? That just doesn’t sound right. From now on we’ll call it the 8th place match since that’s essentially what it is. 8 teams advanced, 8 did not. This will find out who is the best out of the bottom 8 and this match will determine who got 8th and who got 9th place in the overall tournament. This made sense when I typed it, but I can’t make heads or tails of it now. I’m leaving it in. On the left we have my pick to win the losers bracket: Oscar Pistorious’ Gun Club. I picked them back when we were figuring out how to set up the bracket. This will in no way impact the results of this fight. If they lose I will be angry. Managers for the Gun Club are: Locomotive Breath, Maarak, Duckaerobics, and Matthew beet. Let me introduce the gladiators for the final time: It Ain’t Ogre till it’s Snogre the yeti, Karl a human, Just a Prick a kobold, and hambeaten a dwarf. On the other side of the arena is Purestrain Adamantium. They’ve handily beat all of their opponents so far, will they be able to beat the Gun Club as easily? Lord Rand Paul is on this team, I’ve had fun watching him cut a bloody swath through the opponents and I’ve run 4(?) fights of theirs. Managers are: Pun pundit, fluppet, atomicthumbs, and Space Bat. The fighters being introduced for the last time are: Antastic the ant, ballbag the kobold, Yeti Chan the lovable idiot, and Lord Rand Paul the human. Both teams have a yeti, so this will essentially be a 3v3 matchup. I am willing to bet $5 with the first person to stop reading right now and post in the thread. I expect the first death to be It Ain’t Ogre till it’s Snogre. If Yeti Chan lives longer than Snogre, you owe me $5; if Snogre dies quicker I will paypal you $5. Any takers? We’re on the honor system here, so stop reading, hit post, and accept my bet, then go back and read the fight. First come first serve. Time to load up the arena and get dirty.  The gladiators charge in a perfect line….  Lord Rand Paul swings his massive sword in an arc! He slaps the little kobold Just a Prick in the right foot, smashing the foot into paste. Just a Prick falls over! Just to the north of him Antastic swings the same sword in the same deadly arc and sends Karl’s right hand flying away. Karl drops his dagger. Hambeaten bites Yeti Chan in the arm. I don’t know why.  Just a Prick loses his left forearm to Lord Rand Paul’s second swing. Oscar Pistorious’ Gun Club is pretty much boned.  In a stunning display of stupidity normally reserved for a yeti, ballbag the kobold lowered his shoulder and charged Karl the handless human! Ballbag falls backwards. In a stunning display of competence normally reserved for anyone who isn’t a yeti; It Ain’t Ogre till it’s Snogre swings a massive fist and punches the kobold in the face so hard that his head explodes! This fight just evened itself out in a hurry! Team stats: Gun Club: Karl one-hand, Just a Prick 1 arm and 1 pulped foot, other two at 100% Adamantium: Ballbag dead, other three at 100%  Yeti Chan charges Karl the handless human and sends him to the floor stunned! Yeti Chan turns his attention from the stunned human and scratches Snogre in the thumb. Snogre’s right thumb goes flying across the arena.  loving bullshit rear end in a top hat shitbag. Antastic casually leans over and chops off It Ain’t Snogre’s head. gently caress. Who do I owe money to? gently caress this game. I thought that was a sure thing.  Hambeaten takes a note out of Lord Rand Pauls playbook and charges into the fray leading with his sword. Lord Rand Paul looks surprised even as his head goes bouncing across the arena floor. Yeti Chan grabs the stunned Karl by the pinky-toe on his left foot and throws him with it. Then when he realizes that’s dumb he punches Karl in the right arm, which turns it into a fine red mist that used to resemble an arm. Team stats: Gun Club: 1 dead, 1 handless human, 1 limbless kobold, 1 deadly dwarf. Adamantium: Antman and Yeti Chan at 100%, two dead.  Karl finally comes to a stop from the unorthodox throw that Yeti Chan did. Unfortunately he comes to a stop near Antastic who chops deep into his chest, causing Karl to pass out. Yeti Chan punches his face, then Antastic takes off his head. Hambeaten the dwarf has closed and will try to avenge his teammate. Where did this come from? Yeti Chan is almost competent this time… Yeti Chan grabs hambeatens right hand and wrist and snaps the bone like a twig.  Oh, there we go. Hambeaten stabs Yeti Chan in the arm and Yeti Chan falls on top of Just a Prick. Yeti Chan is unconscious, Just a Prick is pale from blood loss. Antastic and hambeaten are both at fighting strength and both have deadly weapons.  Just a Prick manages to distract Antastic and allow hambeaten to chop her left leg off! Antastic falls to the ground. Hambeaten is the only fighter still on his feet.  Just a Prick rolls out from under the yeti and stabs him in the head. Yeti Chan is dead, but not until after I lost $5. Stupid yeti.  Hambeaten moves to stand above the downed Antastic who blocks his thrust and swings her own sword into his chest. The blade barely scratches the dwarf through his armor, but it is too much and the dwarf passes out from pain.  Hambeaten loses his head soon after. Antastic begins crawling toward the limbless kobold Just a Prick.  Scratch that. Just a Prick crawls toward the antwoman who takes his mangled leg off with her next swing. Before she can swing again, the little kobold bleeds to death. Purestrain Adamantium wins with a very close 4-3 victory. And they cost me $5. Stupid assholes. Combat Log Spermy Smurf fucked around with this message at 20:02 on Oct 22, 2014 |
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Oct 22, 2014 19:24
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I stopped reading at the bet, but not to take it. Still, if I were to bet, I'd piiiiiick...*flips coin* Snogre?
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Oct 22, 2014 19:53
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Spermy Smurf posted:Lord Rand Paul swings his massive sword in an arc! He slaps the little kobold Just a Prick in the right foot, smashing the foot into paste. Little Prick falls over! Hey, you leave me out of this. 
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Oct 22, 2014 19:54
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Bad Munki posted:Hey, you leave me out of this. God damnit. I want to know how badly we beat the hell out of Gnome Chance.
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Oct 22, 2014 20:02
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SNOGRE DID SOMETHING! Hurray! All that said, I'm still terribly disappointed in our team, and firmly deny any blame for our performance and place it all squarely on everyone else, as always. That said, thanks to everyone that ran the Loser's Bracket, and congratulations to those other jerks that beat us for, you know, beating us. Jerks.
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Oct 22, 2014 21:27
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Great fight. Hambeaten had been quite deadly in the loser bracket but leading with a bite he must have let it goto his head.  Congrats to Purestrain, I'm glad it was a close fight and not a wipe!
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Oct 22, 2014 21:57
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If the final match finishes 3-4 as well? Survivor duel.
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Oct 22, 2014 22:05
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Hot drat, a Yeti being some way competent! What next? Flying Pigmen?Spermy Smurf posted:God damnit. I want to know how badly Gnome Chance beat the hell out of us.
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Oct 22, 2014 23:13
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Possible spoilers ahead: Someone in the commissioner chat just said that Long Name To Annoy Commish got all 4 kills for our team.
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Oct 23, 2014 00:07
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Spermy Smurf posted:
9th and 10th.  The top eight are in the playoffs, while these guys are rated 9th through 16th.
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Oct 23, 2014 01:00
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I say let Purestrain Adamantium level up and match us against the champions.  Why? Because quote:Yeti Chan_Pure punches karl_Gun in the left eye with his left hand and the injured part collapses into a lump of gore!
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Oct 23, 2014 03:09
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The web hosting service is down for the moment!  http://arenachallenge.com Don't worry, everything is backed up, but I'm sure this is annoying for those of you who might have wanted to place a tournament bet at 2 AM U.S. time. Or for those Euros who check the site in the wee morning hours. I'm sure it will probably all be back up around the time I wake up. edit: "sure it will probably"? i guess i really do sound like a weasel sometimes edit2: Aaaaaand... we're back. Man, the hosting provider was getting torn a new one for this over on Twitter. And I thought I was mean. Jazzimus Prime fucked around with this message at 07:57 on Oct 23, 2014 |
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Oct 23, 2014 07:40
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Spermy Smurf posted:I am willing to bet $5 with the first person to stop reading right now and post in the thread. I expect the first death to be It Ain’t Ogre till it’s Snogre. If Yeti Chan lives longer than Snogre, you owe me $5; if Snogre dies quicker I will paypal you $5. Any takers? We’re on the honor system here, so stop reading, hit post, and accept my bet, then go back and read the fight. First come first serve. Dude. I suspect the reason nobody took your bet was because it makes no sense: "I expect the first death to be It Ain't Ogre till it's Snogre" = betting that Snogre dies first "If Yeti Chan lives longer than Snogre, you owe me $5" = betting that Snogre dies first "If Snogre dies quicker I will paypal you $5" = betting that Yeti Chan dies first "gently caress this game and gently caress all of you" [after Snogre dies first] = betting that Yeti Chan dies first???? Basically you changed your mind halfway through making the bet!
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Oct 23, 2014 10:19
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In my defense I am not a very smart man.
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Oct 23, 2014 11:54
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Spermy Smurf posted:In my defense I am not a very smart man. I personally choose to believe that you are very smart and have avoided losing $5 by sowing maximum confusion.
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Oct 23, 2014 16:30
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yeti Chan defies not only all odds, but also all all attempts to assign him odds
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Oct 24, 2014 05:35
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Here, in the losers' final, Antastic finally lives up to her name. Three decapitation kills, only a Just a Prick's dwindling supply of blood stopping her from getting a fourth.
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Oct 24, 2014 14:50
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We all know that blood loss was the only thing keeping Antastic from getting a dagger to the brain .
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Oct 24, 2014 15:23
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Oh poo poo I was supposed to run a fight this morning. Whoops. Time to go download some macros!
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Oct 24, 2014 15:53
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Spermy Smurf posted:Oh poo poo I was supposed to run a fight this morning. Go 2+2/2, go! You can do it!
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Oct 24, 2014 15:57
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Test Tournament, Third Place Match Welcome to the third place match that is standing in the way of the first place match featuring yours truly. Team Legs is on the left of the arena and eager to redeem themselves after a terrible loss to Modern Family. They had zero kills in that match and they are angry about it. Team Legs did beat All Slade Gauntlets All Day Long in the normal brackets so we know they can do some damage. They begin with two serpents, maybe husband and wife for all I know. I Feel Asleep and Stinky Skinky. Altoid the dwarf and Don’t Hurt Me the strangler round out the team. Managers are The Mattybee, Zaltys, Ghostwoods, and Khisanth Magus. The other side of the ring is two shorties and two humans: Two and Two Half Men. Snarf Snarf Snarf is a dwarf, Issamael is a human, Tukaram is the second human, and the final dwarf is Akurduana. Managers are Grobbendonk, gbuchold, iLonie, and Reverence. This team lost to the future champions, All Slade Guantlets All Day Long. They managed to get two kills, so they did better than most. A funny statistic here: They have never won a fight 4-0. They’ve only lost one fighter once, and all the other fights they’ve lost 2 to 4 fighters. Lets fire up the arena and pretend this is my fight!  The fighters advance in a nice line, the husband and wife team of snakes are just slightly slower than the rest.  Altoid swings first! However, he swings his shield and the blow is deflected from Issamaels helmet. Idiot. Immediately after that Don’t Hurt Me the strangler sends his adamantine pick deep into Snarf Snarf Snarf’s chest, mutilating the dwarfs heart! First blood is a doozy.  The first limb chopped off goes to Akurduana who leaps to his fellow dwarfs aid and stabs with his spear which chops off one of the stranglers unused hands. Luckily Don’t Hurt Me has 3 more hands.  Tukaram joins in on beating up Don’t Hurt Me and stabs him in the neck. The neck is cloven asunder, a tendon in the spine is torn. Don’t Hurt Me is lucky that he rarely uses his neck and instead of falling over he charges the already-bleeding Snarf Snarf Snarf. The dwarf is stunned by the impact! In an odd game quirk, Snarf Snarf Snarf immediately charges the strangler and they fall to the floor together. Seriously, the lines in the combat log are: Strangler charges dwarf, dwarf stunned. Dwarf charges strangler, they fall over. Tukaram shows his deadly skills off and chops off another of the stranglers arms before he can get to his feet. Don’t Hurt Me now has the same number of limbs as a normal human. Don’t Hurt me retaliates by sending his pick into Snarf Snarf Snarf’s left hand, causing him to pass out. The strangler foolishly turned his back to do that, so Tukaram chops his foot off. Don’t Hurt Me falls over with less limbs than a human. Finally something happens to the other fighters! Issamael the human finally gets past I Feel Asleep defenses and chops deep into the female serpents hand. She drops her pick. Team stats: 1 Unconscious dwarf and serpent with no weapon on one team, and the other has one strangler who is being de-limbed are the only real injuries here.  Don’t Hurt Me continues to focus intently on Snarf Snarf Snarf and chops off his head with his pick in the next second of combat. Don’t Hurt Me is deadly as ever for being grounded and only have three limbs remaining. His pick finds Tukaram’s neck and embeds in it! A tendon and artery have been chopped, but Tukaram follows the stranglers lead and doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the devastating injury. Tukaram’s return swing nearly severs another limb from Don’t Hurt Me. Don’t Hurt me bleeds to death immediately after.  Issamael continues to pummel I Feel Asleep, chopping his right hand open and causing him to drop his shield. Neither hand will obey his commands, looks like he may have to resort to biting! Stinky Skinky finally does more than a minor bruise and whips Tukaram in the already-cut-open neck and shatters the spine! Tukaram goes down, unconscious immediately. I Feel Asleep attempts a bite, but is foiled by a gauntlet while Stinky Skinky works on the downed Tukaram’s head, but is also foiled by a helmet. Issamael punches I Feel Asleep in the eye crushing it. Akurduana turns and stabs Altoid in the leg with his spear. Altoid the dwarf falls over. I Feel Asleep continues to attempt bites, and Stinky Skinky continues to work on Tukarams head. Too bad Tukaram has an iron helmet, Stinky will never get through that with a platinum whip. Team Stats: Stinky Skinky is only one uninjured for Team Legs. I Feel Asleep is weapon/shieldless, and Altoid just went down. Snarf Snarf is dead, Tukaram is unconscious, but the other two are at nearly 100% on Two and Two Half Men.  Akurduana moves to straddle poor Altoid. Altoid attempts to fight back but the swing is batted aside. Akurduana’s spear slides into his neck, nicking the spine and causing immense pain. Altoid blacks out.  Altoid is killed by Issamaels next swing which takes off the poor dwarfs head. Once the dwarf is dead, Issamael and Akurduana team up on I Feel Asleep who has no hands to hold weapons with. A sword and spear pierce the snake simultaneously; the serpentman I Feel Asleep passes out immediately.  I Feel asleep is killed by Akurduana’s spear a moment later. Stinky Skinky is alone, and so instead of using her weapon she bites Issamael in the neck! Too bad his armor prevented the venom from getting into his blood. Issamael pushes her away and thrusts his sword through her belly. This severs the spinal nerves and Stinky falls down.  Stinky Skinky manages to break one of Akurduana’s legs while blocking and dodging from the ground. It simply isn’t enough, and Issamael chops her in half soon after. Two and Two Half Men win with a 4-1 victory. On Team Legs Don’t Hurt Me went out in a blaze of glory early in the fight and his teammates were unable to do much after that. On the winning team they had a good balance of skills between each fighter. Issamael and Akurduana were deadly with the two handed sword and adamantine spear. Now I have to know, I absolutely must know… Team Legs: What the hell did you do to your builds? I can’t make heads or tails of them. I am so confused. Combat Log Spermy Smurf fucked around with this message at 19:22 on Oct 24, 2014 |
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Oct 24, 2014 19:13
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I can't post my full build as I'm on my phone right now, but round 1 I essentially had a steel pick and tons of misc object and dodge skill. Round 2 I picked up a glowing blue pick, some armor for my hands and head, and boosted my skills more. Round 3 I made a mistake and added a bit more armor and more skills, but it should have all gone to skills I think. No clue about my teammates.
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Oct 24, 2014 19:28
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Boom. Congrats to two and two half men, always knew you guys would go far! Looks like that's my cue to get on with posting the final. I'm on holiday at the moment (i.e. bags of time) but will be heading home tomorrow morning (i.e. suddenly busy again), so I may well forgo the conventional delay between fights and get it up tonight. Watch this space!
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Oct 24, 2014 20:44
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Maugrim posted:so I may well forgo the conventional delay between fights and get it up tonight Do eeeeeet! 
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Oct 24, 2014 20:59
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Post the drat fight! I want to see Spermy cry 
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Oct 24, 2014 21:16
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Bene Elim posted:Post the drat fight! I want to see Spermy cry Your fighter will be the first one to die in the fight. He'll run out in front of his teammates, Munki and my Dad will chop him up.
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Oct 24, 2014 21:19
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Spermy Smurf posted:Your fighter will be the first one to die in the fight. He'll run out in front of his teammates, Munki and my Dad will chop him up. Stop jinxing us.
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Oct 24, 2014 21:22
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Don't worry, I didnt tell him the plan of 'have Gretchen take on the other 3 fighters by herself and win'
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Oct 24, 2014 21:26
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Spermy Smurf posted:Your fighter will be the first one to die in the fight. He'll run out in front of his teammates, Munki and my Dad will chop him up.
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Oct 24, 2014 21:26
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Bene Elim posted:Not before your limbs are sent to all four corners of the ring followed by your heads. Ha! I've already foiled your plan: I sold my head this round for 12.7 extra points! Which gave me just enough to buy a leather cap. Spermy, I love how you added a bit of romance to that fight's plot. Something for everyone!
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Oct 24, 2014 21:36
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Test Tournament 2, GRAND FINAL triple post extravaganza Written and directed by: Rambold the kobold, winner of Arena's Worst Fighter for three years running Starring: Bad Munki as Little Prick the gremlin my dad as Fed After Midnight the gremlin Spermy Smurf as lNTAC the serpent man Mlle as Retchin' Gretchen the goblin And: unwantedplatypus as Child Protective Services the kobold Zwingley as Urist McWingley the dwarf Bene Elim as Gnome Chance the dark gnome Segway Rave as Leonard Lowpate the dwarf Also starring: Queen Sankis of Dwarfhalla as herself ******************************** The miasma in the changing rooms was a medley of sweat and other, stranger bodily secretions - not to mention good old-fashioned urine. The gremlins in particular weren't too fussy about where they pissed. Urist McWingley wrinkled his nose and longed for a tall flagon of dwarven rum – the proper stuff that would strip the surface off your tongue and, hopefully, your sinuses. He wandered over to his locker to retrieve his battered platinum warhammer.  "Urist! C'mon!" barked Child Protective Services from over in the corner. "Huddle!" Urist glanced over to where his fellow dwarf Leonard Lowpate stood, leaning on a shining blue sword as tall as himself, the point of which had already sunk a couple of inches into the stone floor. Urist shrugged. Leonard rolled his eyes and followed the hammerdwarf to the kobold's corner.  "Where Gnome Chance?" snapped Child Protective Services. "gently caress if I know," said Leonard. "Training armour use with Nemo2342, last I heard," supplied Urist. Leonard grunted. "Why's she doing that? All she's got is a fuckin' copper cap. I know that because I have this image of an unclothed dark gnome of the female persuasion burnt forever into my retinas, and all the dwarven beer within three miles of this arena hasn't fuckin' dislodged it. And I know for a fact our new poo poo hasn't arrived yet. I checked with Construct on the way in." "Not important!" growled the kobold. "Get her here! We fight in half hour!" Urist cocked his head. "Actually, I think I hear our new gear arriving." The slow pounding of colossal feet drew closer until the entire changing room reverberated. Then they stopped, and a huge bronze head peered over the walls at them.  Urist waved. "Yo, Construct." The colossus nodded ponderously. "Good evening, Mister McWingley. The requested equipment upgrades for team Modern Family have been delivered." Two great bronze hands appeared over the wall holding a small wooden crate, which dropped to the floor with a resounding clatter.  "Alright!" barked Child Protective Services, rubbing his paws gleefully. "Now cooking with charcoal! Suit up!" Urist knocked the lid off the crate with a clean blow of his hammer and peered inside. "Lotta the blue stuff here," he announced approvingly, handing a pair of adamantine high boots to Child Protective Services. The kobold sniffed them, stuck his feet into them and kicked the floor experimentally. "Yup yup," he said. "Gloves, boots, spear, good to go!" "Gauntlets are mine," grunted Leonard, holding out a hand. Urist passed them over. "Sold your steel ones, huh? Shame. Now your outfit doesn't match." "I'll take not getting my fuckin' hands cut off over bein' a fashion model, if it's all the same to you." Leonard snapped down the visor of his helm, enclosing himself completely within his armour. "Kidding, friend. I had the same thought – nearly." Urist lifted a pair of adamantine high boots out of the crate and tugged them on. "I still say you should get a mail shirt under that breastplate of yours, though. Extra protection." He thumped his own chest, which chinked dully, and picked up his oaken shield.  "Where drat gnome?" growled Child Protective Services impatiently. "I believe you are talking about me," murmured Gnome Chance, strolling in, naked as always. Both dwarves shuddered and turned aside. "Oh, do stop with your faux sensibilities, dearies. The kobold has hardly more clothing than I, and you don't bat an eyelid." "The kobold is covered in fuckin' fur," muttered Leonard. "What was that, dear?" "Nothin', ma'am."  Gnome Chance hopped into the wooden crate. "Don't you worry, boys." After a bit of rattling she skipped out again, clad in adamantine mail shirt and bronze boots and holding an adamantine pick, which she tossed in the air playfully. "Keep that fuckin' thing away from me!" said Leonard, backing off. Gnome Chance caught the pick easily and swung it a few times, getting the heft. "Oh, stop fretting, dear," she said. "This isn't for you." Child Protective Services bared his teeth in a grin. "Lock and load!"  ******************************** In the changing room across the corridor, lNTAC was retrieving his equipment from his locker. Or trying to. The drat thing was empty. He turned to face the rest of his motley team. The two gremlins were sitting naked on top of the lockers, kicking their legs, while the goblin was lying on the bench under a blanket, dozing. "Oi!" said the serpent man. "Which of you basssstardssss hid my sssstuff?"  Fed After Midnight shrugged unconcernedly. "Not me. Mine's gone too!" he squeaked. "Fukken right!" yelled Little Prick, jumping off the locker and landing on Gretchen's stomach before somersaulting to the floor. The goblin yelled and sat up, living up to her nickname by retching violently. Little Prick punched her in the knee. "Oi, gobbo! You hid our fukken stuff?" "Hid what?" Gretchen scowled at her teammates, wrapping the blanket around herself. "What'd you interrupt my meditation for?" "We have no equipmentssss," explained the serpent man. "Methinkssss our dasssstardly opponentssss sssseek to ssssabotage ussss."  Gretchen flinched away from the fine mist of venom floating towards her. "Can you at least try and use sentences with fewer esses?" The usual slow thudding heralded the approach of the bronze colossus who stewarded the arena. "We ask Construct," suggested Fed After Midnight. "If baddies taken our stuff, he mash ‘em into paste, no problem." lNTAC nodded.  Construct peered over the wall at them. "Good evening. I have the requested equipment upgrades for team..." - it paused and consulted a label – "...Adamantine High Boots Steel Greaves Adamantine Cap Copper Cap Adamantine Mail Shirt Leather Armour Adamantine Dagger Adamantine Mail Shirt Adamantine Low Boots Adamantine Gauntlets Adamantine Low Boots Adamantine Cap. Rather a long team name, I must say." The team stared open-mouthed as the colossus hefted a small adamantine box over the wall. It landed on the floor with a crash, leaving a visible crater in the stonework.  "What da fukken fuk?" said Little Prick, eventually. lNTAC flipped the lid of the box open and stared down at the contents.  "Yup. Sssslade gauntletssss," he hissed. "What an Armok-damned cockup." ******************************** The fight went about as well as expected.     
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Oct 24, 2014 22:50
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Little Prick, Gremlin Gladiator is throwing a tantrum! Retchin' Gretchen ducked out of the way of a flying slade gauntlet as her teammate ran to and fro swearing incoherently and occasionally kicking a locker. Fed After Midnight, meanwhile, was hunched up in the corner, looking forlorn. lNTAC was nowhere to be seen, having wisely made himself scarce immediately after the team's resurrection. She'd really thought the team could make the most of a ridiculously bad situation, but she hadn't banked on exactly how heavy the mythical mineral was. She kept getting flashbacks to her own glacially slow punches as she struggled to lift the drat things, while the enemy, decked out in far lighter steel, danced circles around her, breaking bones and severing limbs. The closest any of her teammates had come to inflicting actual harm had been lNTAC's desperate attempted bite – but even the serpent man's powerful fangs could hardly penetrate adamantine. The only good thing you could say about the fight was that it had been short. Little Prick finally knocked himself out by headbutting a wall, so Gretchen shoved him in a locker for safekeeping. She grabbed her small sack of possessions and patted Fed After Midnight on the tiny shoulder in passing as she headed for the door. "Hey, second place isn't bad, either. Never thought we'd get this far, myself." The gremlin just nodded. As Gretchen walked out of the changing rooms she collided with lNTAC. "Ow! drat it! There you are. Thought you'd gone home already." The serpent man bared his fangs in an approximation of a smile. "You underesssstimate me. Get the otherssss." Gretchen frowned. "You seem suspiciously cheerful. Where have you been?" The heavy tread of a bronze colossus reverberated through the corridor as lNTAC replied. "Appealing to Queen Ssssankissss. Get a move on. The rematch issss in one hour." "Fukken yes!" shouted a muffled voice from within one of the lockers. Gretchen smiled slowly. "Nice work, lNTAC. Never occurred to me a dwarf would see reason, let alone a noble." "Hey,what does lNTAC stand for, anyway?" Fed After Midnight piped up. The serpent man sighed. "long Name To Annoy Commish, if you musssst know." "Huh. Who's Commish?" "Sssserpent god of short namessss and no-quarter combat." lNTAC shrugged. "Blame my dad. He wassss an atheisssst."
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Oct 24, 2014 22:50
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Test Tournament 2, GRAND FINAL: REMATCH Brought to you by the INEFFABLE GRACE of her majesty QUEEN SANKIS, may she NEVER be cursed with SOBRIETY or NOLIO Urist McWingley stepped out once again into the oppressive heat of the arena. The cheers of the crowd were muted today – some confusion apparently reigned regarding the circumstances of the hastily-arranged rematch. Urist was pretty confused himself, come to that. He stared across the arena floor at his opponents.  The oily black sheen of slade gauntlets was not in evidence this time. Indeed, the predominant colour on the opposing team was blue – adamantine mail shirts, caps, gauntlets, boots – far more than his own team had elected for. He felt a momentary twinge of uncertainty, but Gnome Chance twirled her pick next to him, completely relaxed, and he was reassured. Adamantine weapons were an even match for adamantine armour. Across the ring, one of the tiny gremlins made an obscene gesture and grabbed his crotch. A piping cry was audible above the murmur of the crowd: "Gonna cut yer fukken tonker off!" Urist shuddered and lowered his visor. From Queen Sankis' box, a horn blew to signal the start of the bout. Both teams charged.  Every fighter in the arena was a seasoned veteran. Both Urist and his facing opponent – from close range, he recognised Fed After Midnight – slowed as they approached, looking for an opening, ready to dodge. Suddenly feinting to Urist's left, Fed After Midnight aimed a vicious two-handed swipe of his short sword at Child Protective Services. The kobold narrowly jumped out of its path, and Urist was forced to manoeuvre around his captain, leaving him exposed in the midst of the melee. Not ideal – the lightly-armoured kobold could easily be killed by a single good hit.  Indeed, both the enemy serpent man – some strange name like INTAC? - and Little Prick aimed simultaneous blows at Child Protective Services, but the kobold sidestepped one and deftly parried the other with the butt of his spear. Hoping to give his captain some space, Urist aimed a crushing blow of his warhammer at the Little Prick, who jumped back well out of reach.  More feinting, more dodging, more hunting for that crucial opening. Modern Family fought in grim silence apart from the undertone growls of the kobold. On Slade Gauntlets, the gremlins screeched threats and insults, and the serpent man hissed wordlessly with each swing of his silver warhammers. Little Prick cackled at Urist and grabbed his crotch again. Urist took two threatening steps toward the gremlin, bringing up his shield to deflect the inevitable opportunistic blow. The thick, cross-grained oak wood could turn even adamantine aside. On his rear flank, Child Protective Services stabbed his spear past the guard of Fed After Midnight, but was foiled by the gremlin's adamantine mail and received a couple of bruising blows to his arms in return for his pains. The kobold growled again in frustration.  Child Protective Services jumped out of the way as lNTAC charged, and kicked away a follow-up stab attempt from Fed After Midnight. Glancing behind him, Urist noted that lNTAC was now at a disadvantage, flanked by Child Protective Services and Gnome Chance.  A feint from Child Protective Services drove Fed After Midnight away from Urist, leaving him free to concentrate on crushing Little Prick into a well-deserved pulp.  Urist smiled behind his visor and hefted his warhammer for a swing. The momentary opening let the gremlin dodge in and swipe his dagger across Urist's abdomen. For a moment Urist thought the attack had been deflected, but then he felt the blood oozing – his opponent's adamantine weapon had sliced through his steel greaves as though they were made of putty. Snarling, Urist swung his hammer, but contacted only air as Little Prick sprang back out of reach. "Fukken close one! First blood to me!" cackled the gremlin. The rest of the melee was a blur of clashing and shouting behind him now. He was going to kill this gremlin or die trying. Little Prick feinted a stab high, and Urist raised his shield to block – realising too late that this opponent expected just this. Lightning-quick, the gremlin slipped under his shield and stabbed upwards into his shield arm, hard enough to lodge the dagger in it. Muscle fibres parted and Urist's shield dropped from his suddenly limp grasp. "Second blood!" yelled the gremlin, withdrawing his dagger and dancing back. Urist staggered to the side, leaving his shield where it lay.  Little Prick danced around him, jumping onto the fallen shield and capering wildly. Urist aimed another hammer blow at him, but the gremlin was far too quick to catch. Off balance, with his left arm hanging limp, Urist was wide open to a counterattack. His opponent didn't miss the chance, but plunged his dagger deep into Urist's guts. "Third blood!" he heard the gremlin shout, through a fog of nausea and pain. "poo poo," mumbled Urist. He doubled up and passed out.  Unlike Urist McWingley, Retchin' Gretchen had had an excellent view of the entire melee from the south end of the arena as she attempted to tenderise Leonard Lowpate with her two silver warhammers. She was enjoying the opportunity to pit herself against one of the detestable subsurface scum, but so far his airtight tin-can armour was standing up to her assault. She thought she'd bruised him a few times, but she couldn't be sure. She noted the other dwarf pitch over, leaking blood, and celebrated by hitting Leonard in the leg again. Her hammer bounced off the greaves, but the blow must have hurt a bit. Up at the north end of the melee, Little Prick administered the coup-de-grace to Urist McWingley and hurled the severed head high into the air with a cry of triumph.  "Look behind you, dwarf," panted Gretchen. "It's four to three now. Ready to give up?" Leonard risked a glance behind him, and was lucky that he did, as both Fed After Midnight and lNTAC were bearing down on him. He whirled around and aimed a fast – but misaimed - swing of his longsword at Fed After Midnight. Gretchen stepped up to make the most of the distraction, but lNTAC, similarly armed with a pair of silver warhammers, was ahead of her and broke the dwarf's foot with a well-aimed strike. Leonard Lowpate staggered and fell.  Gretchen settled for breaking the dwarf's hand instead, while Fed After Midnight stabbed him deep in his uninjured leg. The three Slade Gauntlets hoped to finish the downed dwarf quickly before either Child Protective Services or the fearsome Gnome Chance – whose efforts thus far had been neutralised by solid defensive tactics - could get back into the melee. "Could use some fuckin' help here!" gasped Leonard, crawling desperately towards Gnome Chance.  The dark gnome duly stepped up and whirled her pick, catching a surprised Fed After Midnight in the torso - but she was surprised in turn as her deadly weapon simply clattered off the gremlin's mail shirt. Fed After Midnight grinned and parried a follow-up strike from Leonard.  "Finissssh the dwarf," lNTAC commanded to Gretchen, and turned to focus on Child Protective Services, who was busy duelling Little Prick. "Death is all around us, death is all arouuuund!" sang Fed After Midnight, slashing Leonard in the right arm. The dwarf groaned, let go of his sword, and passed out. Gnome Chance screamed in frustration as another blow bounced of Fed After Midnight's armour, and attempted a shoulder charge against her smaller opponent. He jumped out of the way, leaving Gnome Chance to stand on Leonard's unconscious form, ready to defend it from all comers.  After a couple more futile blows against Fed After Midnight's impenetrable armour, Gnome Chance was forced to jump away from Retchin' Gretchen's hammer. Fed After Midnight immediately seized the opportunity to decapitate Leonard Lowpate, and Modern Family were suddenly outnumbered two to one.  In the adrenaline-fuelled slow time of the arena, all of this had taken place within a matter of seconds. Urist McWingley's head, flung by Little Prick, was still describing a lazy arc toward the southern wall of the arena.  Growing frustrated with Child Protective Services' continued defence, lNTAC charged at the kobold, who was bowled over but sprang straight back to his feet. The distraction did, however, prove sufficient for Little Prick to score a devastating stab in Child Protective Services' upper leg, right down to the bone. The kobold squealed and fell over again.  Little Prick cackled as he dodged the kobold's counterthrust, and lNTAC stepped in to break Child Protective Services' arm with his hammer, causing the kobold to pass out from pain. The two Slade Gauntlets were merciless in finishing off the unconscious kobold, although it took five strikes to finally crush the hard little skull. Victory looked assured for the Slade Gauntlets – provided they could overwhelm their final opponent.  "Well, it looks like it's just you and me, dears." Gnome Chance smiled at her opponents as they advanced cautiously, wary of the deadly pick. Fed After Midnight tried a quick swipe, but the gnome leapt back. "Well now, that was very rude," she said. "Rude little boys should be taught a lesson." "Shut up and die!" piped Fed After Midnight.  Retchin' Gretchen was the first to make a move, feinting an attack and then charging at the gnome. Gnome Chance parried the attack but was bowled over and flung several yards by the much larger opponent. She leapt to her feet unhurt, still gripping her pick. "Now now, play fair!"  Gretchen stepped in again and the two exchanged blows and parries. Fed After Midnight tried to edge in for an attack, but Gnome Chance jumped out of the way to keep Gretchen between her and the sneaky gremlins. She looked utterly calm, but she was soon going to be backed into a corner if this continued. Gretchen tried another swipe of one of her warhammers, but this time the dark gnome parried the blow and sank her pick into the goblin's ankle on the counterswing, severing her foot cleanly. Gretchen let out a yell and fell to the ground, blood gouting from the stump. Gnome Chance smiled beatifically. "Who's next?"  Fed After Midnight was next, darting in for a fast attack and causing Gnome Chance to jump away once again. "Sssstop playing her game, idiotssss! Mob her!" hissed lNTAC, stepping in and swinging his warhammer. Both the gremlins followed suit, and for the first time Gnome Chance looked uncertain. Her attempted parry went astray and lNTAC's warhammer impacted her leg with a sickening crunch. As she fell, Fed After Midnight stabbed her in the foot and Little Prick sliced off her left hand. She screamed.  She had one more chance for a swing at Little Prick, missing hopelessly, before Fed After Midnight stabbed her in the right hand and forced her to drop her pick. Gnome Chance screamed obscenities at her opponents as they hacked at her, then mercifully passed out just before her final decapitation by Little Prick. lNTAC hissed his satisfaction and Little Prick raised the severed head aloft. Gretchen hauled herself into a sitting position with Fed After Midnight's help. All Slade Gauntlets All Day Long basked in the cheers of a bloodthirsty crowd, their honour restored, with no marks upon them save a single severed foot.  All Slade Gauntlets All Day Long win an utterly convincing victory over Modern Family, 4-0. Kills: Little Prick 2, Fed After Midnight 1, lNTAC 1. Combat Log
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Oct 24, 2014 22:51
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YAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! e: One small step for Fed After Midnight and Little Prick, one giant leap for gremlin kind! my dad fucked around with this message at 23:05 on Oct 24, 2014 |
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Oct 24, 2014 23:01
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 06:58 |
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Magnificent writeup! Congratulations to the winners.
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Oct 24, 2014 23:12
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