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Shoe of all Cosmos
Dec 31, 2008

Oh god
How do I reboot Wandows


After being wishy-washy to me about the subject for the longest time due to feeling awkward about my strong views, the boyfriend (of 3 and a half years) revealed that having kids someday is important to him. This is a problem, because I cannot loving stand kids. I loathe them. I hated my own little sister when my parents decided to have a second kid when I was 13.

Reproducing is a basic human instinct, and I understand that, but I cannot get into it. I recognize that other people may find it disgusting that I'm so turned off by the very idea, so recently I purposely have tried to get acquainted with motherhood by talking to a pregnant friend and reading about it online. But I just can't get over how sick to my stomach it makes me to even think of being pregnant or having to take care of an infant. The more I try to expose myself to the idea of motherhood, the more repulsed I feel.

Is something wrong with me?

It would be easy for a stranger to mistakenly trace my hatred of children back to my little sister "stealing all the attention", but this is in fact the opposite of how I feel. Firstly, I hated babies when I was still a child, way before my sister was ever a tickle in my dad's sack. When I saw families in public having to cart around noisy infants, I felt sorry for them and was always thankful that I wasn't in a family like that. Then it actually happened to me and I felt cursed. When my mother announced she was pregnant, I started crying, thinking there was some kind of mistake, and suggested the easy way out: an abortion. She started laughing at me. I was sad and confused.

Secondly, since I spent my childhood as a single kid, the entire family's laser focus was on me. We also lived in a small town, so everyone was always "HOW ARE YOU DOING HO HO HO YOU'RE GETTING SO TALL HOW'S SCHOOL GOING KEEP UP THAT PIANO". I was glad to have some attention taken away from me. The only good thing that came from my sister's birth is that I got some alone time, Jesus.

Also, I wanted to strangle everyone who assumed she belonged to me, even though I was only loving 14 and the baby was 1. I refused to be seen with her alone in public for about four years. It was all the worse because I was one of the few abstinent teenagers in the region, and I hated when adults assumed I was a whore. This really happened. I made so much effort to be good and this loving baby ruined it all. In a small town environment where strangers recognized your face, appearance was important.

(It is important to mention that my sister is 10 and I'm fine with her now.)

As a little kid I used to think holding hands was gross, and kissing was gross, and sex was gross, but that changed in order as I got older, of course. So, applying the same logic, I should be changing my mind about children sometime soon. But I'm already 23, and I get sick thinking about pregnancy just as much as I did when I was 12. Do you still think it's likely I'll change my mind? How did it happen for you? I plan on sticking with my boyfriend for as long as possible, but I don't want this almost irrational hatred to be a problem down the line. It's a pretty big difference in ideologies. We're great everywhere else.

One day my boyfriend's mother called us all to the computer to take a look at "this really cool photo". It was a picture of an unborn fetus's foot pushing out against the mother's belly, creating an unmistakable foot outline. As we all peered at it, everyone else went wow that is amazing, while I fell silent and fought the urge to leave the room. They all marveled at the miracle of life while I recoiled as if it were a disturbing shock video. If I had a weaker stomach I would have vomited. That can't be a normal and good response.

I'm mainly worried that if this feeling doesn't change, then I will be socially crippled for life. Sooner or later all the other ladies my age will be popping out kids and I will have nothing to contribute to their happiness except a smile and nod.

My personality and life, because you guys might see something that I don't: I do not have communication problems or any history of mental illness, and I have many friends who love and support me, and vice versa. I am not a dreamer or the creative type, with the sole exception of a strong appreciation for art and music. I do not understand how someone with working ears cannot sense a rhythm or be tone deaf. I am a pretty major butterface. I have a retail job at which I've worked steadily for almost three years, with a 100% perfect customer service record. Despite smiling at customers all day, people close to me would say I can be stingingly insensitive and mean when it comes to other people's shortcomings, due to my own conquering of a physical disability that left me having to train myself to walk normally. I was abnormally mature as a young teenager, learning from other kids' mistakes and making virtually none of my own. My sense of humor is really dumb and goofy and more than once I've been told that I come off stupider than I actually am. My parents whipped me as punishment for things like playing video games and installing KaZaA. I never saw or touched drugs until I was 19 and felt like I deserved to do them. Lastly, I adore animals. Birds, cats, dogs, reptiles, chickens, cows, bugs, you name it, I love 'em. But human babies...

One day at lunch in 9th grade, I told my friends how much I hated children, and that I had a feeling I would hate teenagers when I became older. They looked at me funny. "Really?" they said. After all, we were teenagers ourselves at that point. But lo and behold, teens are vermin to me now. I will probably also hate college-aged kids when I'm in my 30's.

tldr: I'm 23, and I've tried to introduce myself to the idea of parenthood and it's not working. Is it possible that there's something wrong with my maternal instinct, or hormones, or whatever it is that makes you want to have a kid? Or do I just need to keep waiting? I know for a fact there are others like me out there, but I've never met someone like that personally, which is why I feel so lost, so please tell me how you feel if you are one of those people. I have no one to talk bluntly about it with. It's not an urgent situation, but it's important nonetheless.

I go back and forth between feeling angry and feeling sorry for myself, which you can probably see in this post's writing. Please help me. It can't be right for someone to hate a natural thing like children.


UPDATE
Yeah, it took a while, sorry about that... I finally got the nads to speak to the boyfriend about this whole thing, and he agreed that now is too early to tell if I will be mother material. And I don't want to end our relationship and suddenly turn 30 and "omg I want kids, I let the love of my life get away and now I want kids." After I explained it to him, he said this: "I have no intention of marrying someone who doesn't want kids. But, we're still young, and in my opinion you're worth the wait. There's no reason to be hasty." With communication and understanding, I expect it will turn out alright, no matter what happens.

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anivasion
Sep 17, 2007

I'm not a malefactor,
I'm a lagomorph!

I can sympathize with you but I can't really answer any of your "will I feel differently" questions because I am a childless by choice 32 year old. I have never had any of the biological urges to procreate either and felt a lot like you did at your age.

As for your boyfriend and his desire for children someday....this is one of the deal breakers. No one should ever have a child because someone else wants them to. And no one who really wants to be a parent should stay with someone if they know that won't happen. It's possible you may change your mind but until the day when you know you have, it's not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship if your end result is hoping to be married to each other.

You can tell everyone your reasons that you think you don't want kids. But what can they really tell you? That they know you will change your mind? That they know that you won't? You are going to hear from both types, I imagine. Me, I didn't change my mind and I am married to a wonderful man and I think we would be great parental role models and providers. But I know that it would be a cruel thing to do to a child, to know they were unwanted even if I never said so. I am not willing to subject a human being to being born to someone with my conviction on the off chance I would "love it when it gets here". It's best I don't give birth to an experiment. But this is only true of ME. No one will know if it's true of you and you have to figure that out on your own.

Shoe of all Cosmos posted:


One day my boyfriend's mother called us all to the computer to take a look at "this really cool photo". It was a picture of an unborn fetus's foot pushing out against the mother's belly, creating an unmistakable foot outline.

If it helps, that is not a real photo, I have seen it floated around on the internet myself. I'm a little disturbed by it too since it reminds me a bit too much of something trying to escape the womb by rising up through the skin. Brrrrrr.

Disappointing egg
Jun 21, 2007



You're young and you may change your mind later. But you may well not, and it won't make you a monster.

Tell your boyfriend everything, and if it leads to you breaking up that will be for the best in the long run.

Montalvo
Sep 3, 2007



Shoe of all Cosmos posted:

Birds, cats, dogs, reptiles, chickens, cows, bugs, you name it, I love 'em. But human babies...

Just work your way up to being the creepy cat woman with purple hair that the rest of the neighbourhood talks about, it's cool.

PS talk to your boyfriend about this and spare him some grief

Shoe of all Cosmos
Dec 31, 2008

Oh god
How do I reboot Wandows


Thank you for the replies so far. And thanks for letting me know that was a fake picture, haha. I feel a little dumb for being so grossed out by it now.

I have tried to speak to the boyfriend about this at least twice, and both times he got visibly uncomfortable and upset and asked me to be quiet. So no progress yet.

I hate that this kind of thing has the potential to be a dealbreaker when we enjoy everything else about each other... This is the best, healthiest relationship I've ever had. Except for this one stupid thing.

You're right, no one can know how I will feel about children except myself. The obvious solution is to just wait and see. But at the same time I don't want to hurt my boyfriend by stringing him along if my views don't change.

The thing that shocked me into thinking about all this was recreating the two of us as a married couple in The Sims, and I gave my character a hatred of children, because the option was there and I was curious. Then I decided to have them reproduce to see how the game's genes worked. My character ignored the infant's cries and just walked away, leaving the kid hungry. It's just a game, but at the same time it really scared me. What if I have a kid and I still hate motherhood? That's a threat to the baby's safety. Of course, I will never have a kid as long as I still hate motherhood, but these thoughts just keep running through my mind because they're unsolved. I'm frightened about this part of my future and I'm in a phase where I can't stop thinking about it.

Limiting Factor
Dec 19, 2006

well dammit


If it's preying on your mind to that extent then the absolute best thing you can do is talk to your boyfriend so it's not a big looming THING you feel you have to hide. If you really can't get it out of your head, therapy may help - but to be honest a lot of the anxiety will likely go away once you've talked it through, whatever the outcome.

The important thing is that you're not a freak, and nothing is wrong with you. This really is just how some people are wired. There's a whole lot of advocates for the whole concept of being 'child-free' - a lot of folks who feel this way think that's a much better term than 'childless', without the loaded implications. Admittedly some of 'em are a bit rabid and get very angry about paying taxes which go to state child-support benefits and whatnot, but a lot are just people who are very sick of the pressure and assumptions that if you don't have/want kids, then you're screwed up. Looking into some of their websites etc might help you feel more normal about it all.

In any case - sometimes, people feel very strongly about this stuff for the rest of their lives, and sometimes it suddenly changes overnight. 23 is pretty young, in those terms. Me, I went from "gently caress NO" as a teenager and in my early twenties to "you know what? I REALLY want kids now", almost overnight at the age of 26. Like, if I could afford all the expenses involved, I'd start trying to get pregnant tomorrow, no questions about it and to hell with everything else. And it was a mindfuck.

But - that's a normal thing, and not having that shift is also a normal thing. Don't let anyone guilt-trip, nag or pressure you into thinking otherwise.

digitalscribbles
Jan 6, 2005

I'm a sillybean!

Not everyone is meant to have children. I'm certainly not, I know plenty of others who are childless by choice and it IS okay to feel the way you do. In regards to how you feel about children...I feel the same way. I didn't even want to hold my niece and nephew when they were born honestly. It just doesn't feel okay to me....and they are gross.

I canNOT have my own children by choice because the thought repulsed me so much, as did babies...add in health problems...it was the best choice for me. Someday if I change my mind and I do honestly want children, I can adopt an older child.

The catch is you will have to find a boyfriend or husband who feels the same way as you. I was lucky enough to be involved with someone who agreed and still does 10 years later. Children are important for some people and he may be unhappy if you never want them and he gets stuck with that.

I just want to say one more time...it is OKAY to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you. Simply because we can reproduce, doesn't mean it is right for everyone. I say...accept who you are and how you feel about kids right now, but be open to the fact that someday when you are 35 you may change your mind.

dephlogisticator
Jul 16, 2011



I certainly don't think you should have kids. No child deserves to have a mother who is repulsed by them. It's easy to say "you're young, you may change your mind someday", but that precludes the chance that you'll never change your mind. I think your boyfriend should prepare himself for the possibility that he'll never have children with you, or you two should go your separate ways. He cannot and should not expect or ask you to have children with him if you can't stand them.

Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS

I would like to quote and agree with this:

digitalscribbles posted:



I just want to say one more time...it is OKAY to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you. Simply because we can reproduce, doesn't mean it is right for everyone. I say...accept who you are and how you feel about kids right now, but be open to the fact that someday when you are 35 you may change your mind.

And I want to tell you that I, too, kept waiting throughout my twenties and early thirties for that urge to reproduce to kick in. I honestly figured that it would either hit me in the face one morning upon waking, or be a slow realization, but I was certain it would come. I guess I sort of wanted to want it, in a way. I didn't want to be the cat lady.

It didn't come. I still don't like kids or want to be a parent. I love my own parents, and I love my gaggle of nieces and nephews. I am happy with my decision or character or choices or whatever you want to call it.

I have my own family; I just won't ever have kids.

Mercury Cation
Feb 1, 2006
Ha ha ha! Cyclomethane! Ha ha ha! Now go thank a chemistry teacher.

Basically, yeah. It is somewhat rare but perfectly normal to not want kids. Good for you for knowing what you want! There are plenty of people out there with to spend your life with who also don't want kids - in fact there was a guy in e/n who had a vasectomy at I think 25 or 26 for that reason. Don't worry about it - you happen to fall on one side of the spectrum, on one end of the bell curve. Some people cannot imagine a life without kids and would commit suicide if they found out they were infertile, others, like you, can't imagine a life WITH kids. Don't worry about it.

King of the Mambo
Aug 2, 2009


It's cool that you are a major butterface, have a 100% perfect customer service record, and hate younger age groups / other people's shortcomings / children in general due to deep-seated self-loathing and insecurity stemming from being crippled as a child, but what does all this have to do with anime?

Chupe Raho Aurat
Jun 22, 2011

by Lowtax


Lots of people dont want kids/like having them around, thats normal.

Everything else isnt. Dont listen when the voices start telling you to kill the neighbours.

you rock
Sep 12, 2010

You wanna fuck with this shit I fuckin dare you. You fuck wit the hedge you get the spines




You're my honey bunch sugar plum pumpie umpy umpkin, you're my sweetie pie. You're my cuppy cake gum drop, snookum snookums... you're the apple of my eye

Parselmouth
Feb 4, 2011

by Y Kant Ozma Post


Shoe of all Cosmos posted:

The thing that shocked me into thinking about all this was recreating the two of us as a married couple in The Sims, and I gave my character a hatred of children, because the option was there and I was curious. Then I decided to have them reproduce to see how the game's genes worked. My character ignored the infant's cries and just walked away, leaving the kid hungry. It's just a game, but at the same time it really scared me. What if I have a kid and I still hate motherhood? That's a threat to the baby's safety. Of course, I will never have a kid as long as I still hate motherhood, but these thoughts just keep running through my mind because they're unsolved. I'm frightened about this part of my future and I'm in a phase where I can't stop thinking about it.



why don't you love me mother?

thuvia
Oct 5, 2006

The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs.

Don't have kids, that's fine, I'm not having any either and I'm significantly older than you so I can attest to the fact that it's a viable life choice. Just don't be surprised when your friends start having children that you're excluded from all the fun and frivolity. Also, get used to people saying you're selfish and self-centered. People are going to ask what's wrong with you physically and who's 'fault' it is that you 'can't' get pregnant, too.


Be prepared to defend your decision to not have kids over and over again and you'll be fine.

Lyz
May 22, 2007

I AM A GIRL ON WOW GIVE ME ITAMS

It CAN change. I grew up thinking other people's kids were a massive pain in the rear end, babies were gross, etc., etc. Then everyone around me started popping out kids and my mind gradually changed, and now my husband and I are expecting our first kid in October. I think feeling freaked out about it is kind of natural, but the major thing that helps me is that I know my husband will be there 100% as we go through this. It's something we're doing together.

And yeah, don't feel bad, pregnancy is kind of gross. I got major anxiety the first time I saw an ultrasound (oh god living thing inside of meeee) and the kicking and moving around... not so charming when the little bugger starts aiming for the colon. I see pregnancy as a means to an end rather than some glorious time to get all mushy and girly. But I don't think that will make me any less of a devoted mother.

But yeah it all varies. If you really want to be sure, put yourself around other people's kids a lot, your mind may change. And remember, for every nightmarish moment a kid gives you, there's the cute and charming moments too.

Beep Street
Aug 22, 2006

Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet.

Shoe of all Cosmos posted:

It's just a game, but at the same time it really scared me. What if I have a kid and I still hate motherhood? That's a threat to the baby's safety.
Wouldn't happen. When you give birth a shitload of hormones are released that make you love the baby. I know this as I have a twin and felt when she gave birth. It is the purest, warmest, loveliest feeling I've ever felt in my life. See that feeling you get when you see cute kittens? Multiply that by a million and you're not even close. I do not want children myself but I know if I ever had one I'd love the hell out of it because that is how nature works.

Most men in their 20's don't want to talk about kids full stop even if they do want one in the future so that is probably why he told you to be quiet. You're freaking out over nothing.

gabusan
May 12, 2008


If you dont want to have children something is wrong with you, because you hate your very own nature. Hopefully this will change once you mature. If it does not, talk to a shrink.

dephlogisticator
Jul 16, 2011



gabusan posted:

If you dont want to have children something is wrong with you, because you hate your very own nature. Hopefully this will change once you mature. If it does not, talk to a shrink.

Ah, so you're one of those morons who thinks that "nature" is somehow right and good just because it's "nature", and people who don't fall in line with it are somehow immature, deviant and in need of therapy. Good to know.

wedd
Jun 1, 2011


I say good for you. You realize it's something you wouldn't like and rather than do it to appease someone else you've decided to stick to your guns. As for the relationship you're in, it will most likely come to an end in the not so distant future.

you rock
Sep 12, 2010

You wanna fuck with this shit I fuckin dare you. You fuck wit the hedge you get the spines


Children are a burden which suck away at a woman's intellectual and spiritual potential and compel her into a life of physical and emotional servitude

thuvia
Oct 5, 2006

The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs.

As evidenced above, people are going to patronize you and say that you'll change your mind when you get older (because obviously you can't know your own mind until you hit some magical age) or that all you need to do is start hanging around other people's children. People can be really lovely when they don't think you're living the life they approve of. I've come to realize that a lot of it is out of jealousy. You'll be able to do things with your life that they cannot because you don't have kids and they do. Misery loves company and all that.

Just keep in mind that if you're in a relationship with someone who wants children you're either going to have one you don't want or risk not allowing your partner to live the life he's dreamed of for himself. Both things are wrong and you should really try to find a partner who also doesn't want kids.

Chupe Raho Aurat
Jun 22, 2011

by Lowtax


dephlogisticator posted:

Ah, so you're one of those morons who thinks that "nature" is somehow right and good just because it's "nature", and people who don't fall in line with it are somehow immature, deviant and in need of therapy. Good to know.

Ah, so you're one of those morons who is incapable of spotting obvious sarcasm. Hopefully this will change as you spend more time on the internet and develop an intellect of some type.

Fatkraken
Jun 23, 2005

Fun-time is over.

thuvia posted:

As evidenced above, people are going to patronize you and say that you'll change your mind when you get older (because obviously you can't know your own mind until you hit some magical age) or that all you need to do is start hanging around other people's children. People can be really lovely when they don't think you're living the life they approve of. I've come to realize that a lot of it is out of jealousy. You'll be able to do things with your life that they cannot because you don't have kids and they do. Misery loves company and all that.

I don't think it's patronising to say you might or might not change, especially coming from someone who felt the same then changed their mind. It's not a question of knowing your own mind, it's a question of knowing the mind of the person you will become ten, twenty or thirty years in the future. None of us know that. We probably have a good idea of it, but if we knew for certain there would be no divorce or unhappy relationships ever. There are studies of voluntarily sterilized women, and the younger they got the procedure the more likely they were to come back and ask for a reversal or express regret later in life. To be fair though, unless you express strong interest in actually getting permanent surgery, it's none of anyone's drat business and they should keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves unless specifically asked.

Saying you WILL change or SHOULD change is definitely patronizing, and saying you should stay with someone who feels differently just in case you change isn't fair on either of you.

OP, not wanting kids of your own is totally fine and normal and you shouldn't have to defend it. But a deep seated seemingly pathological HATRED of children could point to some deeper issues, especially if it's been with you since childhood (you suggested your mum get an abortion when you found out she was pregnant, that strikes me as kinda crazy even though you can't be blamed for how you acted as a kid). It would probably be worth exploring in therapy, not with a view to changing your mind on wanting your OWN kids (as I said that's a perfectly reasonable opinion) but to understanding yourself and hopefully making it easier to interact with friends who have kids, as people around you are likely to start doing.

dephlogisticator
Jul 16, 2011



Chupe Raho Aurat posted:

Ah, so you're one of those morons who is incapable of spotting obvious sarcasm. Hopefully this will change as you spend more time on the internet and develop an intellect of some type.

I've run into people who truly believe crap like that. Could you pm me the settings for your sarcasm detector? His post failed to trip mine because I calibrated it to expect more hyperbole.

Chupe Raho Aurat
Jun 22, 2011

by Lowtax


dephlogisticator posted:

I've run into people who truly believe crap like that. Could you pm me the settings for your sarcasm detector? His post failed to trip mine because I calibrated it to expect more hyperbole.

No problem,

1. True/false: website? yes = go to two
2. Set "common sense"

End

The bills in the post.

Lyz
May 22, 2007

I AM A GIRL ON WOW GIVE ME ITAMS

thuvia posted:

As evidenced above, people are going to patronize you and say that you'll change your mind when you get older (because obviously you can't know your own mind until you hit some magical age) or that all you need to do is start hanging around other people's children. People can be really lovely when they don't think you're living the life they approve of. I've come to realize that a lot of it is out of jealousy. You'll be able to do things with your life that they cannot because you don't have kids and they do. Misery loves company and all that.

Was I being patronizing? I didn't intend to. I just said it was possible to change your mind, because I did after interacting with other people's kids. It either comes to people in time or it doesn't. And it is possible to want kids without getting all gooey and mushy like most women seem to do. Pregnancy's actually kind of a pain in the rear end, not some magical moment like most people would lead you to believe.

Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

I drink to make other people more interesting.

It doesn't matter what your (or his) opinion might be in the future. That's a mighty big roll of the dice to gamble on. What matters is that you're in a relationship right now with a guy who wants kids someday, and he's in a relationship with someone who doesn't. That's a pretty big deal, and I'd advise making him talk with you about it no matter how much he'd rather ignore the problem until it goes away.

Shoe of all Cosmos posted:

I hate that this kind of thing has the potential to be a dealbreaker when we enjoy everything else about each other... This is the best, healthiest relationship I've ever had. Except for this one stupid thing.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel about having kids, and there's nothing wrong with how he feels either. But the fact that you guys are on opposite sides of the issue make it way more than "one stupid thing". If it makes you feel better, I broke up with the most awesome and compatible woman I ever dated because she wanted me to stop riding motorcycles. Sure it sounds stupid on the surface, but I knew myself well enough to know I'd be a slowly simmering pot of resentment. Dealbreakers don't have to make sense to be dealbreakers.

Eyeball
Jun 4, 2008

by angerbeet


Shoe of all Cosmos posted:

I have tried to speak to the boyfriend about this at least twice, and both times he got visibly uncomfortable and upset and asked me to be quiet.

This is what you need to be focusing on right here. If not having kids is a dealbreaker for him, you guys need to break up, seriously. You might change your mind and you might not, and if he's banking on you changing your mind, it's not fair to either of you to stay together. As scary as breaking up with him sounds, it's going to be like ripping off a bandaid compared to the multiple compound fracture that is the years-of-resentment breakup.

Resume derail.

AFK SWARM OF BEES
Jun 24, 2008

You are swearing now that someday you'll destroy me. Remember: far better women than you have sworn the same. Go and look for them now.

^^^^^ Edit: Eyeball beat me to it, this is the issue.

OP, a majority of the people here seem supportive so far of your feelings about not wanting children. I'll chime in with them. It's normal. And yes you'll also feel pressure from friends, family, and society as you get older to have kids. It can be really stressful. But know that there is a chance that someday you might feel a desire to have kids -- notice I said "might" and "someday," meaning that your timeline is not only unique but defined by YOU.

The real issue I want to get at is your boyfriend. If he told you to be quiet in the moments when you tried to discuss your feelings, you might need to consider where the relationship is heading. If he wants kids and you don't, please do not stay in that relationship. It is an irreconcilable difference and it's one that will make you both very unhappy in the future. If my significant other told me to "be quiet" when I wanted to talk about something that mattered to me, I'd be pretty upset. He may already be tuning you out.

You mention that you are 23 -- how old is the boyfriend?

brylcreem
Oct 29, 2007


OP, I know what you mean.

I just spent 5 days with my sister and brother and their children (not theirs together, God!) on vacation, and I was literally climbing up the walls at the end.

Getting woken up by 7am every day, watching them so they don't kick balls into the windows, helping to feed them, helping to clothe them, helping to entertain them, watching them so they don't run into traffic, all that work.

That said, they're loving sweet and well-behaved and I love them, but I just wouldn't want them around all the time!

But all that might change in an instant when I find Ms. Right

Bad Bromance
May 20, 2010

Sorry, guys, I actually do still suck dick! Also my mom only lets me spend five bucks a month to get my cool gaga avatars back so I guess I'm stuck with this one for a while.

Have you considered that your hatred for children is just overcompensation for your deep seated pedophilic urges? Something to think about.

Beep Street
Aug 22, 2006

Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet.

Frankenstyle posted:

If it makes you feel better, I broke up with the most awesome and compatible woman I ever dated because she wanted me to stop riding motorcycles. Sure it sounds stupid on the surface, but I knew myself well enough to know I'd be a slowly simmering pot of resentment.
I feel sorry for her as it was just concern for you. Then again, I wouldn't date a biker in the first place as I think they are so dangerous and I'd be worried all the time. I hope you wear a helmet at the very least.

Konar
Dec 14, 2006


You're 23, years away from having kids if you're both starting careers, etc.

I'm not sure why you're so preoccupied about this now when you can't know how you'll feel in the future.

It seems like you are purposefully sabotaging your relationship by concentrating on this point of contention.

mr. mephistopheles
Dec 2, 2009



As a 25 year old male, I would say like 90% of the women that I know say they don't want kids. It's depressing, really, because I hang out with mostly very intelligent women, and that other 10% that want to just pump babies out like they're some sort of fetus factory are pretty much all dumb as hell.

I genuinely fear for future generations (haha like that movie!).

Seriously, this is totally normal, and way more common than you think it is.

Oh, and I won't say break up with your boyfriend now because I don't think every relationship has to be for FOREVER for you to still enjoy your time with that person, but you definitely do not have a long term future with him.

Cuckoo
Apr 27, 2007

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat


All of this "You'll change your mind when you're older" stuff is loving bullshit. While yes, there are women who do change their mind, and there are those who are ambivalent or don't want them until their 'clock' kicks in, in cases such as these where the girl was a kid who didn't like kids it's safe to say that they aren't going to suddenly morph into a child-crazed gushing mother wannabe when hitting their 30s. It's incredibly patronizing.

I am a woman who doesn't not want kids, ever. I have zero motherly urge to bring a kid into the world. I don't hate kids on the same level that you do per se, but the idea of being around one under the age of 5 for an extended amount of time makes me shudder. The idea of being pregnant bothers me, too, and If I were to ever change my mind the child would be adopted from a bad neighborhood before I worry about bringing my own genes into the world. Not because of waah pregnancy, but because I wouldn't feel right having my own when there are so many unwanted babies, especially of my ethnicity, who need a chance.

That being said, I'm in a unique position for someone from the 'crotch-spawn' crowd: my boyfriend has a daughter. We see her on weekends due to some legal bullshit. The mom is almost completely out of the picture so I'm basically a de-facto mom on weekends. How has this affected me, and has it changed my point of view when it comes to bringing in my own?

Well, I absolutely love her. I miss her when she's gone. She can get to you sometimes as she's an especially clingy kid but it's understandable because she's an only child who's had a rough life and a void where her mom should have been. She's also the biggest sweetheart, runs into my arms, brings me presents I take her out and play with her and honestly have fun doing it. It has made me entertain the idea of having my own someday. However, while there is certainly room in my heart for this little girl, the position on having my own kids stays the same. While it has given me a tiny glimpse of all the love and affection they can provide, it also has allowed me to see what an ENORMOUS commitment they are, and how badly their lives can be wrecked if their parents don't work out. Not to mention the finances, worries about college and all of that other crap. I'm more than happy to be her weekend mom, maybe even full-time someday, and people have told me I'd be a great mother; but I know that having my own is not for me.

I can also say that if my boyfriend's daughter was younger I would have never dated him above a casual level. The kid being out of the baby/toddler phase from the beginning helped enormously.

thunderspanks
Nov 5, 2003

crucify this

My current girlfriend of almost 7 years and I started dating when we were around your age, OP. At the time we were both very happy and like minded in the "no kids, ever." mindset. Of course slowly over the last couple of years my stance has changed and I'm realizing that while I sure as hell don't want children now, it is something that I eventually want. Not her though- She is still very hardline on not wanting children. At 23 it's really not a big deal. 90% of the people I know who had kids at that age were either wholly unprepared or wished they'd waited a few more years at least. When you're pushing 30 and everyone around you is moving on to 2.5 kids & a white picket fence, it becomes a whole other ballgame.

So I guess there are a few things I'm trying to say. #1 is that it's entirely possible that your outlook will not change and you will never find yourself wanting children of your own. There's nothing wrong with that and it's becoming more and more common as time goes on. #2 is that right now your boyfriend probably realizes that you're both pretty young so it's not a big deal, but eventually it's really going to become a Big Deal. You need to be honest with yourself and with him, otherwise you might find yourselves in an awfully bad position years down the road with no easy way out.

Cowslips Warren
Oct 29, 2005

What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?

The fact your boyfriend goes uncomfy and changes the subject or won't hear you out about this is disturbing. If the only birth control you use is condoms, I advocate getting pills or an IUD.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. In your case, in my case, the kid would not have a good time of it all. And that is what matters a lot too.

Wamsutta
Sep 9, 2001

We go hard.


You're 23. It's pretty normal. I'm only warming up to the idea of kids now that I'm almost 30.

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drive_the_hive
Jan 2, 2008

by T. Fine


Get pregnant anyways.

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