Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

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heartcatcher: Oct 6, 2007; woof

Oh hey here's two front page articles about them:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/jo-buds-2.php?page=1
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/craigslist-jo.php

# ? Mar 8, 2012 23:01

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# ? Apr 16, 2024 22:01

Celery Face: Feb 18, 2012

quote:

You were naked on the six train screaming racial slurs. I was holding a cell phone and filming every moment of your beautiful insanity. For a moment I was sure you locked eyes with me (albeit crazy eyes). You asked me to "get off this loving train" with you at Hunts Point Avenue, before removing the final shred of your clothing for me and unveiling your beautiful body. I did, but the cops carted you away before I had a chance to say anything. Now I'M crazy thinking about you. I love how body confident you are and I wish I'd said something sooner. Get in touch, I could pay your bail and we could talk equality politics and get naked on any train you want. Maybe you could even turn me on to your acid dealer.

This has to be a joke, but this is pretty funny. I wonder what inspired the person to write this?

Speaking of good craigslist experiences, I got an adorable guinea pig off of there.

# ? Mar 9, 2012 01:27

redmercer: Sep 15, 2011; by Fistgrrl

Bear Enthusiast posted:

I'm sorta surprised it hasn't come up in here yet, but a lot of these collections of internet crazy folks have these same super mysterious crystals. Someone should go to one of these sessions, retrieve the crystal, and report back with what abilities it has.

If you get seven charged JO crystals the dragon grants you a wish

# ? Mar 9, 2012 01:28

brick cow: Oct 22, 2008

e: I checked the SA links after posting. I'm a genius.

brick cow has a new favorite as of 01:52 on Mar 9, 2012

# ? Mar 9, 2012 01:49

Vertigo Ambrosia: May 26, 2004; Heretic, please.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/vol/2895872454.html

totally trustworthy dude posted:

Need blood samples

Looking for volunteers to send some blood samples by mail for testing.
Looking for the blood of people aged 20-30, with Diabetes, Cancer, HIV, or AIDS. Must be able to draw
blood on their own and send by mail. Other than these diseases, volunteer must be healthy. Please
send an e-mail including your name, phone number, DOB, disease, date of find disease,
if you have had children, if you're allergic to anything, and whatever else you feel we should know.
If applicants are approved, we can then reimburse for any expenses in buying syringes, needles,
and shipping. Please contact for more details.

This sounds legit.

Seriously though, I feel like just mailing blood is some sort of biohazard or illegal in some way, isn't it?

# ? Mar 12, 2012 09:59

Cool Web Paige: Nov 19, 2006

Vertigo Ambrosia posted:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/vol/2895872454.html

This sounds legit.

Seriously though, I feel like just mailing blood is some sort of biohazard or illegal in some way, isn't it?

At least in Ontario I know you need to have special shipping permits to transport blood and it has to be shipped in a temperature controlled manner.

The company I work for occasionally ships blood and organs for the red cross and hospitals.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 12:09

Veev: Oct 21, 2010; K is for kid.
A guy or gal just like you.
Dont be in such a hurry to grow up, since there's nothin' a kid can't do.

vxskud posted:

At least in Ontario I know you need to have special shipping permits to transport blood and it has to be shipped in a temperature controlled manner.

The company I work for occasionally ships blood and organs for the red cross and hospitals.

You need special training and permits to draw, store, and ship blood. Pretty much everything that guy is asking is illegal or at least unwise seeing how easy it is to get someone sick with blood.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 12:23

GenericOverusedName: Nov 24, 2009; KUVA TEAM EPIC

Bodily fluids are considered biohazards and can't be shipped without crazy permits and permission and stuff.

This is a big deal since there's a lot of crazy mothers who try to sell their extra breastmilk online and then end up in trouble with the law for doing it. It's usually for sane purposes (some women produce way too much, some women don't produce enough or can't use their own due to diseases, etc), but I'm sure there's some people out there that do weird poo poo with it.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 15:46

Celery Face: Feb 18, 2012

quote:

I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.
I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don't know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you're capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

Won't the carrier look silly?
Jack off crystals seem kind of homoerotic.

Celery Face has a new favorite as of 16:39 on Mar 12, 2012

# ? Mar 12, 2012 16:37

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

Nah, bro, no butt stuff, just two manly dudes charging their man crystals :clint:

# ? Mar 12, 2012 16:42

cock hero flux: Apr 17, 2011

Okay, I am legitimately in awe of whoever thought up those crystals. Two men, already highly insecure about their masculinity, head off into the woods, pitch a tent, and strip naked. They stare into eachother's eyes as they begin masturbating furiously. Their crystals aglow with ~~power~~ LEDs, they both climax at the same time, with a grunt and a cry of "I'M NNNOT GAAAAAAAY". Their shameful deed complete, they hastily dress and flee. This scene is playing out RIGHT NOW, all because of one glorious individual. God bless you, whoever you are.

# ? Mar 14, 2012 20:08

Buggiezor: Jun 6, 2011; For I am a cat, you see.

I'm pretty conflicted over whether I'm sad I was wrong about him meaning Crystal Meth, or if I think it's hilarious that they are weird crystals that "Charge" when you jack off with a dude. :psyduck:

quote:

Gallon Plastic Milk Jugs
(address removed) I have about 12 in all and will delete ad when they are gone. They have lids. If anyone wants these jugs, better HURRY! Soon will be put into recycling, no I'm not like some white trash people who just throw their trash on the roadside.

Well, I sure am glad you don't throw your trash on the roadside I guess...

quote:

Would you ever consider just snuggling?
........all night......with the absolute understanding.....that BOTH can find comfort...in NOT sleeping alone....EVEN THOUGH not ready for the "next step?

This White Male is single, established, D-D free, upscale, VERY clean-cut..is open to the idea. Somehow, this "alone" thing seems waaaaaay overrated.

A long shot, to be sure..but.....am not a "bar" or "lounge" person so...decided to give this a try...against all odds.

If you have an interest, I think it'd be best to meet for coffee...first.

For security puposes, please show in subject line: SLEEPLESS

My local craigslist is kinda lame.

# ? Mar 14, 2012 20:36

Dr Jankenstein: Aug 6, 2009; Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

quote:

This one is pretty hard to nail in a description, but ill give it a shot. im looking for a a girl who will stay by my side as my dedicated companion and human sheild. some one will be my friend because we'll be spending all of our time together so she can protect me, from what im not sure, but it sounds fun. friendship comes first, and the more of it we have the better. its an "i give orders you carry them out" situation, but honestly i cant think of anything id need you to do except take out the trash when im too tired to.

someone supportive and grounded, pleasant, kind, level headed and just as bored as i am, so we may have fun. except when vampires or demons attack, in which case i do in fact have a functional katana ill lend you. but honestly, most of the time will probably be spent with me treating you well, playing with glow sticks and hoola hoops, because theyre cool. blowing bubbles, drinking, coloring and making fun of eachother.

friendship and LTR possible. but never forget your primary duities.

there is no pay for this position.

pictures in first email or i wont respond.

NO CRAZIEST! as im not crazy, simply board, lets be fair now. <3

NO MEAN PEOPLE!

"I'm not crazy...really"

# ? Apr 4, 2012 20:20

Watermelon Daiquiri: Jul 10, 2010; I TRIED TO BAIT THE TXPOL THREAD WITH THE WORLD'S WORST POSSIBLE TAKE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID AVATAR.

Yes, this sounds like a fun job. :getin:

E: gah, one sec. Enter on my phone doesn't give a new line...

Tampa.craigslist.org/hil/lab/2943633741.html

Watermelon Daiquiri has a new favorite as of 18:12 on Apr 6, 2012

# ? Apr 6, 2012 18:07

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

I'm just gonna trip report my delve into the Anchorage Craigslist. With luck I'll hit some actual crazy.

Arts & Crafts for sale seems to be mostly antiques, popular Alaskana artists, and repurposed junk like the label off a crate of pears in a frame that was probably made from the same crate.

Therapeutic services is a week of the same massage parlors spamming their ASCII-filled headers. I would imagine this is a craigslist constant.

Free toilet... Dimebag Darrel electric guitar... Trading subwoofers for an Xbox...

quote:

I have a ton of burrets for the kangaroo feed pump. In addition, I have a ton of feed bags for the infinity feed pump. My daughter is no longer tube fed (yay!) and I want to bless another family in need. Note, I am not giving these to someone who wants to turn around and sell them. I am giving them away free to a person who tube feeds a loved one.

Well, that's... kinda sweet... :stare:

silent dog training whistle posted:

I bought this whistle to help train my rottie and it drives my mother- in -law crazy. She says that it gives her seizures and causes her teeth to vibrate. I sold the dog a few months ago but since the television has not been working I have been relying on the whistle for entertainment. We bought a new T.V and I don't need the whistle any longer.

I'm pretty sure he's implying he's been vibrating his mother-in-law's teeth for entertainment.

Hundreds of pounds of pineapple rinds and cores, absolutely free! Serious inquiries only, take all or nothing. Livestock feed, apparently.

A lot of people looking to score weed in the platonic personals. I'm not really surprised, but I would have used Gardening Supplies, personally.

Free accordion lessons for $35 an hour... I guess it is sort of a savings since it's over Skype and thus saves gas money.

Hell of a lot of essay mill ads.

And I'll leave off with this, which is definitely crazy. CRAZY AWESOME :black101:

http://anchorage.craigslist.org/for/2922384548.html

# ? Apr 9, 2012 02:50

Perry Normal: Jul 23, 2010; Humans disgust me. Vile creatures.

http://halifax.en.craigslist.ca/mis/2875806452.html

A 55 year old man in Halifax, Nova Scotia posted:

About 2 weeks ago, my wife sent me to pick up some pop and a bottle of rye. I was waiting in line at the self-serve to buy my pop and you were in front of me. You are blonde, slender, about 5'3" to 5'5". You were wearing a grey car coat that ended just below your bottom. The coat was done up and belted and you were wearing black stockings and nice boots.

Nice looking woman I thought and let my mind wander as is my wont. I started to pick up on your energy. You were a little agitated but not in a caffeine induced, need to get out of here, I wonder if there is enough money on my debit card way. No, it was a sexual energy. Your knees were buckling ever so slightly and you held your legs a little apart.

I got the feeling that you were wearing thigh high stockings and that above them you were pantie-less. That was never confirmed, but, I had to then wonder if maybe you were nude under the coat instead of just going commando.

You finished your purchase and then I bought my pop and carried on, only to run into you in the attached liquor store. Once again I picked up on your energy. You bought a nice bottle of wine and I felt envious for the man you were going to meet. Your excitement was filling the air. If you were just excited about going home to good man and a good meal and good wine, awesome. If you were fueling the excitement by running this errand in a partially nude state then I am sure that it enhanced your evening to no end.

Thank you whoever you are. I hope you get this message and that it makes you smile.

tl:dr - Old guy constructs elaborate scenario in his head where nicely dressed lady exudes sexual energy and is running her errands with nothing on under her coat. On the plus side, he didn't ask to meet up with her.

# ? Apr 14, 2012 06:10

scary ghost dog: Aug 5, 2007

Apparently the tv/film/video jobs section is where brothels seek new prostitutes? This was an ad.

# ? Apr 17, 2012 08:10

Cool Web Paige: Nov 19, 2006

scary ghost dog posted:

Apparently the tv/film/video jobs section is where brothels seek new prostitutes? This was an ad.

Convoys? Are they truck driving escorts? Do they roll up in a semi deliver a load of Pepsi to the Walmart and then take you to the sleeper berth for a lil :pervert:

# ? Apr 17, 2012 08:53

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

vxskud posted:

Convoys? Are they truck driving escorts? Do they roll up in a semi deliver a load of Pepsi to the Walmart and then take you to the sleeper berth for a lil ?

Close...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=convoy

# ? Apr 17, 2012 08:56

scary ghost dog: Aug 5, 2007

Gonna sell my sex, get me a stack-a hunnos. All about the Bennies, and the bus just ain't big enough

# ? Apr 17, 2012 10:44

Drunk Nerds: Jan 25, 2011; Just close your eyes; Fun Shoe

quote:

You finished your purchase and then I bought my pop and carried on, only to run into you in the attached liquor store. Once again I picked up on your energy. You bought a nice bottle of wine and I felt envious for the man you were going to meet.

I assume he had to buy his liquor at a separate store because of some canadianana regulations. But I've always wondered why these liquor-only stores don't sell like pop and chips, too?

Also, could people please C&P these entries instead of linking them? It only takes about a week for most links to go dead, if this thread is any indication.

# ? Apr 17, 2012 11:18

Konstantin: Jun 20, 2005; And the Lord said, "Look, they are one people, and they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them.

Drunk Nerds posted:

I assume he had to buy his liquor at a separate store because of some canadianana regulations. But I've always wondered why these liquor-only stores don't sell like pop and chips, too?

Also, could people please C&P these entries instead of linking them? It only takes about a week for most links to go dead, if this thread is any indication.

A lot of places have stupid alcohol laws, I wouldn't be surprised to see one that says food can't be sold in a liquor store.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 06:52

JesustheDarkLord: May 22, 2006; #VolsDeep; Lipstick Apathy

Konstantin posted:

A lot of places have stupid alcohol laws, I wouldn't be surprised to see one that says food can't be sold in a liquor store.

This is true in Tennessee. A store that sells alcohol higher than ~6.0% cannot sell non-alcoholic items, although there is an exception for pre-packaged mixers. A store that sells hard liquor or wine can't sell most beers and vice-versa.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 16:29

Friends Are Evil: Oct 25, 2010; cats cats cats

"I caught you picking your nose on the lonely asphalt of love - m4w - 26 (orlando)"

quote:

im to shy to have ever talked to you. and i missed out.
well at least i think i missed out. i guess ill never know now.
You smiled at me, and i turned beet red in the face, and the butterflies flapped away at my stomach lining.
Maybe you wernt even looking at me.
It wouldnt be the first time i had a crush who never knew i existed.

I dont know if you saw me staring back at you while you were rocking out in your car to some god knows what super music you listen to, but the brake i suppose can double as a kick drum petal. and the windshield an audience. when you looked over and saw me drooling over you, i turned away, and the light turned green, and off we drove in different directions. my heart trailing your car like cheap beer cans after a wedding. I hope you see this. and reply.

And he even included a picture:

# ? Apr 24, 2012 22:55

A Concrete Divider: Jan 20, 2012; The Unbearable Whiteness of Eating

http://cincinnati.craigslist.org/vgm/2899232432.html
ps1 custom - $5 (Colerain)

Txt 5134625516 this is ps1 with doc station ps1 don't work doc station does runs on batterys mp3 not included
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, so much wrong with this ad, the syringe is only a bonus.

A Concrete Divider has a new favorite as of 15:00 on Apr 25, 2012

# ? Apr 25, 2012 09:11

Psychobabble!: Jun 22, 2010; Observing this filth unsettles me

Hey everyone! :siren:

When posting ads in this, PLEASE either screen cap or copy paste the text! CL ads expire after a week or two. Preserve the weirdness(pretty please).

# ? Apr 25, 2012 13:31

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Which one of you did this?

# ? Apr 26, 2012 02:00

madlilnerd: Jan 4, 2009; a bush with baggage

Some people have way too much time on their hands.

# ? May 2, 2012 01:01

Orange Harrison: Feb 24, 2010; All through the day, I me mine

That is an astonishing post. :lol:

My personal story can't come close but it went something like this:
In the "free stuff" section-
"Free computer monitor, 15 inches
I have a free LCD computer monitor, you must pick it up.
It is free because I urinated on it."

# ? May 2, 2012 10:15

twerking on the railroad: Jun 23, 2007; Get on my level

$300 MALE ROOMATE WANTED TO SHARE HOME WITH FEMALE STRIPPER (Fallbrook-Oceanside-south Temecula )

Date: 2012-05-04, 12:51PM PDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

IM MARC 32 MY GF NAME IS KRISTY SHES 22 IS HERE 3 DAYS A WEEK SHE A STRIPPER WE ARE LOOKING FOR A CHILL MALE ROOMATE ((WE ARE BOTH NUDIEST AND ARE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER NUDIST)) 18-40 IF YOU CANT HANDLE BEING A NUDIST DONT REPLY AGE RANGE 18-35 (((TEXT))))) A PIC HOBBIES ECT TO 858 336 9673 GO FROM THERE MARC PLEASE INCLUDED A PIC FOR KRISTY THANKS Keywords military camp pen gym fit 420 Temecula murrieta pachanga

# ? May 4, 2012 21:12

Radio Paranoia: Jun 27, 2010; It is now safe to turn off your computer.

This just cropped up on local ad spot, Gumtree. A "tokoloshe" (pronounced: to-ko-losh) is a term for an imaginary creature that supposedly does the bidding of witchdoctors / traditional healers (like the dude I posted previously).

From Wikipedia:

quote:

In Zulu mythology, Tikoloshe, Tokoloshe or Hili (from the Xhosa word utyreeci ukujamaal) is a dwarf-like water sprite. It is considered a mischievous and evil spirit that can become invisible by swallowing a pebble. Tokoloshes are called upon by malevolent people to cause trouble for others. At its least harmful a tokoloshe can be used to scare children, but its power extends to causing illness and even death upon the victim. The way to get rid of him is to call in the n�anga (witch doctor), who has the power to banish him from the area.

While this is taking advantage of a very superstitious culture, I really hope this guy gets the money for his Gollum statue!

# ? May 7, 2012 15:17

Darkman Fanpage: Jul 4, 2012

Intelligent, cynical and embittered women only - 24 (N. PHX)

quote:

Through my dealings with the fairer sex over the previous 24 years I have become completely disillusioned with females (all people really, but I'm not trying to date guys) and have now resorted to the internet in an effort to find one that I can at least tolerate for extended periods of time.

You want to know about me? I'll tell you what I'm not.

1) I am not your father. I will not tolerate childish bullshit when you don't get your way and I will not throw money at you to shut you up.
2) I am not your hobby. That's why you have friends. This road goes both ways though, and you're not expected to join me on any trips you don't want to. I've got friends for that too.
3) I am not someone who puts the toilet seat down after I urinate. You're a big girl now and if you can't be bothered to so much as look at where you're about to park your rear end, you deserve the cold embrace of toilet water (and god help anyone around you on the road).

Here's where we get to you. As a staunch rationalist, I realize you're probably every bit as bitter with men as I am with your cunty compatriots, possibly having almost given up on us. My (admittedly weak) theory is you have not yet lost all hope but have simply turned to a less social lifestyle and are casually perusing the Craigslist personals just waiting for my ad to pop up so we can end our days in perpetual bliss or whatever storybook bullshit those cookie cutter girls get off on.

I am not an extremely picky guy. Being my dream girl is more a matter of the things you aren't than the things you are.

My ideal woman
-when asked about her hobbies, has more to say than, "Like, you know, stuff," or the always popular "shopping, hanging out, music, friends."
-can think outside her own head and understand that while her wants and needs are her priority (and there's nothing wrong with that), those around her have their own desires.
-takes care of herself to some degree. We can't help certain aspects of our appearance, but if you don't bathe regularly and have eaten yourself fat it demonstrates a fatal lack of respect for yourself that one would expect to bleed into other aspects of your behavior.

If you've read this much crap and are actually interested, we might just stand a chance. Send me an email that makes me think, laugh, or hope, pictures are always nice as well.

For the love of a God in which I don't even believe, just someone show me you're not all the same.

I too wish to form a loving relationship with somebody that hates everything.

# ? May 8, 2012 19:53

Tardcore: Jan 24, 2011; Not cool enough for the Spider-man club.

Crasscrab posted:

Intelligent, cynical and embittered women only - 24 (N. PHX)

I too wish to form a loving relationship with somebody that hates everything.

This man sounds like a charmer. :allears:

Edit: Oh my god that last line, this guy is the smuggest of assholes.

# ? May 8, 2012 20:33

Yargh: Jan 12, 2008; ok.

# ? May 31, 2012 06:16

Young Freud: Nov 26, 2006

Bored posted:

Which one of you did this?

Holy poo poo, those things cost more than my car. That poo poo shouldn't have left your apartment let alone your sight at a bar.

I love how passive aggressive he sounds about it, too. "Oh, he might have gotten drunk and forgotten the bar."

# ? May 31, 2012 19:40

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Young Freud posted:

Holy poo poo, those things cost more than my car. That poo poo shouldn't have left your apartment let alone your sight at a bar.

I love how passive aggressive he sounds about it, too. "Oh, he might have gotten drunk and forgotten the bar."

It was reposted last I checked to see if the stray cat that's trying to move onto my porch has been listed as missing.

# ? May 31, 2012 20:25

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Young Freud posted:

Holy poo poo, those things cost more than my car. That poo poo shouldn't have left your apartment let alone your sight at a bar.

Why the gently caress would you bring a realdoll to a loving bar? It's like lugging around a giant sign advertising that you're a sick, creepy gently caress who will never touch a real woman.

Furthermore, why the gently caress would someone else want to touch it? :stonk: