Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

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Teatime Prize: Nov 1, 2008; A violent death is the last thing that'll happen to you.

via You Suck at Craigslist:

quote:

the Lord God, [NAME] AUDIO MESSAGE 9/ 11 WAS A HOAX

FIRST POSTED IN MAY, 2011

Link to God�s website:
[link to website deleted]

HELLO,
BELOW IS PART ONE OF AN INTERRUPTED MESSAGE ON THURSDAY, MAY 26TH, 2011, THAT TALKS ABOUT HOW ALL OF THE WARS, SINCE THE 1920′S ON THE PLANET EARTH, AND ON ALL OTHER PLANETS AS WELL, WERE/ARE FAKE AND THAT ALL �TERRORIST� ACTIVITIES WERE/ARE FAKE, AND MERELY PLANNED BY A CONGLOMERATE �WORLD� COUNCIL, THAT DECIDED IN THE 1920′S, AND CONTINUALLY CHOSE, UNTIL APRIL 26TH, 2011, ON EARTH, AND ON ALL OTHER EARTH PLANETS, THAT MEN, AND LATER WOMEN OF THE PLANET STILL NEEDED WAR, TO ATTACH THEMSELVES TO AN OCCUPATION THAT PROMOTED PRIDE IN THE �FATHER COUNTRY.�

THEY DECIDED, AND CONTINUED TO DECIDE AND FELT, THAT WAR, ALSO CREATED HUMAN FEAR OF OTHER COUNTRIES, THAT COULD ATTACK, AND THUS KEPT THE CITIZENS OF EACH COUNTRY, �STAYING HOME.� ALSO, IN THIS MESSAGE, I TALK ABOUT HOW THE �PLANETARY INTERNET� WAS DISCOVERED IN 1942, AND HOW PEOPLE COULD TRAVEL HERE THROUGH A JAUNTING MACHINE THAT WAS CREATED ON THE PLANET EARTH THAT YEAR, AND HOW PEOPLE WERE TAUGHT HOW TO JUANT (which is forbidden now).

LINK TO AUDIO MESSAGE PART ONE:
[link to google document deleted]

BELOW IS PART TWO OF THE AUDIO MESSAGE FOR THURSDAY, MAY 26TH, 2011. I STATE HERE, THAT BARACK OBAMA SIGNED IN BLOOD TO KEEP THE SECRET THAT THE WARS AND TERRORISM WERE TO REMAIN FAKE AND ORCHESTRATED. I ALSO, REVEAL THAT JOHN F. KENNEDY AND ROBERT KENNEDY, BOTH KNEW THAT THEY WERE TO BE KILLED FROM THE �CONGLOMERATE�S� DECISION. I REVEAL, AS WELL THAT THE CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT POINTED TO 9/11, BEING ORCHESTRATED BY THE US GOVERNMENT WERE IN FACT COMPLETELY TRUE, AND THAT THE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE ON THE PLANET EARTH THAT SHOW LITTLE BOMBS BEING DROPPED BY HELICOPTERS, WERE ACTUALLY DROPPING BOMBS. ALSO, I TELL OF THE FACT THAT THERE WERE BOMBS PLACED IN THE STAIRWELLS ON EVERY TEN FLOORS, AND THAT GEORGE BUSH, SIGNED IN BLOOD TO PROMISE TO NOT TELL THAT 9/11, WAS ALL PLANNED BY THE CONGLOMERATE. I STATE AGAIN THAT STEVE MCQUEEN, RAN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE AND ALL OF THE WARS FROM VIETNAM, ONWARD. HE ALSO, ORDERED THE KILLING OF FARRAH FAWCETT, AND BRITTANY MURPHY, THROUGH THE TAKING OF A DRINK CALLED LODLUM (poison to the brain), THAT WAS DISGUISED AS A TONIC TO HELP WITH COMPLEXION, THAT WAS PERSCRIBED BY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR DOCTORS, TO MANY OF THE GODDESSES THAT MCQUEEN FELT �WERE DONE.�

The saga continues here

:psypop:

# ? Jun 24, 2012 14:52

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 16:29

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

The337th posted:

http://huntsville.craigslist.org/wan/3089317790.html

Is it illegal to send pubes to someone in the mail?

# ? Jun 24, 2012 16:03

Problem!: Jan 1, 2007; I am the queen of France.

When I was moving out of my college apartment, I was giving away poo poo my old roommates left and never bothered to come get and some stuff of mine that I didn't want to move with me. In the free section, I put a 20" working TV, lots of still usable excess kitchen stuff I had, some shelves, and some other random usable things that I just didn't want to move or haul to Goodwill.

Mostly as a joke, I also listed the mini fridge I had that would burst into flames every time it was plugged in, just to see if anyone would bite. I believe the entirety of my ad was "Giving away a mini fridge, doesn't work, bursts into flames when plugged in. Trying to avoid a trip to the dump."

Only got a couple of responses for the decent usable stuff and several no shows. For the fridge however, I had dozens of responses and had it gone from my apartment within 24 hours of posting the ad :psyduck:

I don't understand people.

# ? Jun 24, 2012 16:40

fuzzy_logic: May 2, 2009; unfortunately hideous and irreverislbe

San Francisco's pretty special.

quote:

$810 FURNISHED ROOM -halfway pacific heights & Haight'Ashbury-NOW-JULY 1 (haight ashbury)

IF you need to move in NOW it is available NOW
.THIS IS NINE MONTH MINIMUM-stay as long as you are comfortable-
THE ENTIRE HOUSE IS FURNISHED-best for individual who doesn't have anything but wants to live in comfortable home (not mattress on floor and stand up in kitchen)
RESIDENT FELINES RESIDE HERE-(attention for those allergic)
This is a real home in a real neighborhood. Move in
with your clothes, computer and still have a real
place to "come home to". Everything included(+$70.00
utilities)
cleaning supplies, vacuum cleaner,
lightbulbs, sponges...all the nasty day to day stuff
in part of the household. Spend your money on
finding the best Thai in the neighborhood and the
most interesting lemon drop martinis(!!) Kitchen is
fully equipped, eat in surround by fourteen windows
and a view facing south with French doors opening to
a deck Dining room available for fancy dinner
parties(tho it rarely happens) Dining room is not used as bedroom-READ THIS CLEARLY-TOO MANY UNRELATED PEOPLE MAKES TOO MUCH CHAOS AND DRAMA)
Wash machine/dryer-no coins
BEDROOM AVAILABLE: Approximately Good sized : FURNISHED double bed, dresser, side table, desk, chair + chairs. Closet is small but adequate unless you are a clotheshorse. THIS ROOM HAS PRIVATE ADJOINING BATHROOM.

> NO SMOKERS NO SMOKERS NO SMOKERS
"Mantra of the house". "Clean up after yourself and respect"-(all the cleaning supplies+ are part of the deal no quibbling; no drama)
>
>
> MOVE IN:first+$70.00. utilities+20.00+equal amount deposit (not to be used or abused for last month)
> deposit-must be paid in full by the move in date

THIS is A LONG ESTABLISHED. HOUSEHOLD..The drama has been worked out.
YOU MUST BE FULL TIME PROFESSIONAL,FULL TIME GRAD STUDENT, FULL TIME INTERN. INTERNATIONALS WELCOME! Presently, we have three EUROPEAN Males and one Mature California female. (males are moving)

THIS IS A GREAT DEAL FOR A SMART PERSON. Almost everything is included:buy a vacuum cleaner($250.00 light bulbs OR GO OUT TO DINNER A CONCERT AND AFTER DINNER DRINKS, MAYBE EVEN PAY FOR A ZIP CAR FOR THE NIGHT.
This is a nice home comfortably furnished with interesting San Francisco style. NOT A DUMP!

ATTENTION: If you do not provide this information, you will not receive a response. This is a trying process and prefer those with GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Respond with name, age, gender, situation and best time to call- CUT & PASTE AD into response-so we know you are reading this and are not a scammer

>
>
>

# ? Jun 24, 2012 19:05

Radio Paranoia: Jun 27, 2010; It is now safe to turn off your computer.

This has been doing the rounds on Facebook...

It's certainly an interesting... combination...

# ? Jun 27, 2012 12:40

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

Aquatic Giraffe posted:

When I was moving out of my college apartment, I was giving away poo poo my old roommates left and never bothered to come get and some stuff of mine that I didn't want to move with me. In the free section, I put a 20" working TV, lots of still usable excess kitchen stuff I had, some shelves, and some other random usable things that I just didn't want to move or haul to Goodwill.

Mostly as a joke, I also listed the mini fridge I had that would burst into flames every time it was plugged in, just to see if anyone would bite. I believe the entirety of my ad was "Giving away a mini fridge, doesn't work, bursts into flames when plugged in. Trying to avoid a trip to the dump."

Only got a couple of responses for the decent usable stuff and several no shows. For the fridge however, I had dozens of responses and had it gone from my apartment within 24 hours of posting the ad I don't understand people.

They probably wanted to give it to someone they didn't like, so that it would burn their house down around them while they slept. Someone was murdered with your fridge :ohdear:

# ? Jun 29, 2012 14:41

Shnooks: Mar 24, 2007; I'M BEING BORN D:

I was looking for apartments today and this popped up

$700 / 1br - 650ft� - Non-Hetero-Normative Feminist Roommate posted:

AVAILABLE MID-AUGUST

Please note - I'm simply describing myself in the subject heading, not discriminating in who takes the room (in response to this post being flagged for removal recently, presumably for that reason). This ad is not saying "straight people need not apply." Instead it's saying that this is who I am and, if you don't feel like you click with that, we might not experience the most harmonious relationship while living together, which is kind of important. Thanks. Now on to your regularly scheduled posting! : )

OK, there are two scoops to this ice-cream cone - the place (which is awesome) and whether or not we'd dovetail as roommates. It's a 2 BR - just need someone for the 2nd room.

SCOOP 1 - THE PLACE:
* Fully furnished - ideally you do not come with any furniture whatsoever. Coin-op washer & dryer in basement of bldg. (nearby laundromat too)
* Dishwasher (sweet)!
* A block from the heart of Union Square.
* FOOD: Market Basket (THE cheapest supermarket ever - which also sells a lot of stuff Whole Foods does but for way less), an extensive Asian Market ("Reliable Market"), a market with local, organic, sustainable food options (Sherman's), and an extensive farmer's market every Saturday just two blocks from your door (oh, and a fresh pasta place too). So awesome!
* SUBWAY: 15-20 min. walk to Porter Square (Red Line) and great bus access to Red, Green & Orange lines. (Walk to Central Square isn't bad at all either.)
* BUSSES: Lots of 'em within a 5/10 minute walk (or even right downstairs) - this is a major bus hub (83, 85, CT-2, 86, 87, 88, 91), and they cannot be underestimated. I was nervous moving here being further from the subway, but I have to say I don't feel that way at all. Great access to subway stations and tons of important non-subway covered areas.
* Unit renovated in '06 - it's in great shape - everything feels new.
* Tons of light and a pretty nice partial skyline view (3rd floor walk-up).
* Room for bikes out back.
* Lots of day/night life but it's not too loud at all (Several pubs, bars, places with cool performance stuff, great beer, good atmosphere, some spectacular restaurants, cafes, several yoga places, dance studio, a new gym, cross fit, etc.).
* Wifi available.

SCOOP 2 - IDEAL ROOMMATE SITUATION:
* I'm a 36 year-old bisexual activist, spoken word performer, and passionnate about sustainable living (just means I shut off lights and lower heat when not in use, and don't own a car), recycling, and generally being involved in the community. No, I don't make my own clothes or anything.
* There's a TV for DVDs, but no television service. I like it that way.
* I'm polyamorous - that just means I have more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at the same time, ethically, and with all parties fully aware. If that freaks you out, then yikes, you probably shouldn't be my roommate if you look at me like I have two heads if a different girl/boyfriend comes over occasionally. Having said that, I'm generally very busy with all my interests and activities, so I don't have that much time for all that anyway.
* I do occasionally have get-togethers, but I'm not a party person - have a Monday-through-Friday day job, tend to turn in around midnight, sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but things generally wind down at night for the most part.
* Lanlord's rules (& my preference) - no smoking at all whatsoever (sorry). Or pets (bummer, but those are the rules).
* Personally, you'll find me easy-going and all around nice. I make a lot of people laugh, I tend to see the best in everyone / every situation whenever possible, and am a big fan of quality agreements and transparent communication. If you dig that kinda thing, we'll get along famously.
* I tend to keep the place pretty clean - not OCD or anything - I just put away dishes, wipe down counters from time to time - sweep and vacuum if it gets bad - that kinda thing. Hopefully you're the same.

So, what do you think?

It sounds like the most punchable roommate ever.

# ? Jul 4, 2012 01:53

Sexual Aluminum: Jun 21, 2003; is made of candy; Soiled Meat

Shnooks posted:

I was looking for apartments today and this popped up

It sounds like the most punchable roommate ever.

I read that in a NPR voice.

# ? Jul 4, 2012 02:52

Young Freud: Nov 26, 2006

Conservative Animator Needed (Anywhere) posted:

I have a great idea for an animation that's related to the political topics of the day & will get even more attention the closer we get to the election.
I believe it's going to go viral, we'll probably even have imitators. I would do it myself but I'm terrible at animation. I can design the site though so if you want to split the profits 50/50, email me. Conservatives only, please

Location: Anywhere

it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: 50/50 Profits

Apparently, "Conservative" means "you do all the work, while only getting half the profits". At least, he's honest about it :v:

# ? Jul 4, 2012 02:59

Celery Face: Feb 18, 2012

Can I flush your head in a toilet while blasting Hall & Oates? m4w posted:

I want to flush your head repeatedly in the toilet while making love to your behind. Hall & Oates will be playing at top volume, at some point "Highway to the Danger Zone" will be played for sure. My house smells amazing and my penis is not sick or deformed. Don't act like you haven't thought about this exact scenario before.

I'm not sure whether to admire these people for having so much imagination or baffled at how they come up with this poo poo. These trolls are pretty drat creative.

# ? Jul 4, 2012 03:03

Juando290: Apr 22, 2007; You stopped toe curlin in the hot tub cause you heard sperms stay alive in there and you have seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enough times to know how that story ends.

Derailing my own thread...but I find it amusing how this topic has kind of trickled. The thread never exploded, but since I started it, it has consistently been on my front page of subscribed threads since I started it back in October. I thought about closing it, but hey, consistency over volume.

An update as well. I did end up contacting the guy in my original post, just for giggles, and he sounded a bit more off his rocker than even his post would indicate, so I decided against the crazy camping trip. I know where the house is, and he has since vacated and new people are living there. I am tempted to leave an anonymous letter, telling them no matter what, never unlock the back cellar door.

# ? Jul 5, 2012 00:55

Behold! A Elk!: May 12, 2009

Want to cum. - m4t - 36

I'm a male...Want to cum...don't care how I do it. I will gently caress you....I will let you suck my cock...I just want.

I don't care what gender you are......just let's do this.

BTW...I'm not fat....also...I don't care ;if you are...As long as you suck my dick.

http://burlington.craigslist.org/cas/3108166703.html

This here is a man who knows what he wants.

(It is to cum, that is what he wants.)

# ? Jul 5, 2012 06:11

Baiku: Oct 25, 2011

This is a more obvious joke listing, but I smiled. From the Los Angeles Craigslist.

Wanted: Cat Burglar - m4m - 30 (Sfv)

Date: 2012-07-05, 8:06PM PDT
Reply to: swg89-3121359873@pers.craigslist.org

My neighbor is holding a cat against it's will in his apartment. I hear it scream for help nightly. I'm not sure how it acquired the ability to speak English, but sometimes it calls out to GOD and sometimes it will scream the name of it's capture.
I need the help of an experienced cat burglar. It will be a dangerous job, so please have nerves of steel.
Oh, my neighbor has a girlfriend that makes nightly visits. I believe she is involved in the torture of the cat. The cat only screams when the girlfriend is present.
Also, be advised the cat may scratch you! I have seen scratches on my neighbors back before.
Please respond to this ad in a secretive manner. My neighbor is stealth with the computer. I overheard the girlfriend yell at him about using it to look at pussy. He's doing his research! That poor cat doesn't stand a chance unless we act fast.

# ? Jul 6, 2012 05:37

showbiz_liz: Jun 2, 2008

So I was looking to buy a grill. Found one on Craigslist last Wednesday, great price and he said he'd deliver! Yay! Emailed the guy at around 2pm.

quote:

Is this still available? I will absolutely take it if so. Let me know!

Almost immediately he says

quote:

yes

I reply

quote:

Ok. I live in [neighborhood], in Brooklyn- you said you'd be willing to
deliver the grill in the city, would Brooklyn be ok? And what would be
a good time for you? I am hoping to get it before the 4th...

An hour goes by, no reply. I say

quote:

Or, if it's not possible for you to deliver it, I can also pick it up

Still no reply. It is now 5pm, and I have dinner plans, so I figure, whatever, we'll work this out later.

I leave dinner at 9:30pm and see that I have two missed calls on my phone from 9 and 9:15. Both are from a blocked number. I listen to them and they are both from him.

Call 1: "Hey, it's [grill guy], I have the grill in my truck here, I'm waiting in a Starbucks in [neighborhood], you still haven't emailed me your address."

Call 2: "I'm waiting five more minutes and then I'm leaving! I guess you just like jerking people around!"

He also did not leave me a number to call him back at.

I got home and checked my email (my phone email was down). I had the following emails, the first from around 7:

quote:

Liz, Send address. I'm coming now.

quote:

just called and left vm. send ADDRESS so I can bring it over around 9 tonight. I'm leaving home now.

quote:

he, no answer still. I'm in [neighborhood] too. What's your ADDRESS. I'll bring it over right now.

Yup. Please note that at NO point had he confirmed with me that he would be coming that night. The one and only communication I had gotten from him when I left work at 5 was the word 'yes'.

The next day I sent this:

quote:

I didn't get your email saying you were coming until 10pm last night.
I was out to dinner and do not have a smartphone. I had no idea you
wanted to come last night.

His reply:

quote:

STOP EMAILING ME YOU WEIRDO

yay craigslist

showbiz_liz has a new favorite as of 23:48 on Jul 7, 2012

# ? Jul 7, 2012 21:10

Darkman Fanpage: Jul 4, 2012

Another successful craigslist purchase!

# ? Jul 7, 2012 21:14

Problem!: Jan 1, 2007; I am the queen of France.

I'm still getting replies to a couple ads I posted the second week of May in the free section. Its now July. Would it be totally out of line to reply to these emails with "Look at the date the ad was posted. Look at today's date. Do you honestly think I still have it?"

I've also gotten quite a few sob stories from multiple different people about how their house burnt down and they lost everything. With the frequency of these emails there must be one house burning down a week in my little town, yet zero news stories. It seems like a scam but I don't know what their angle is.

# ? Jul 8, 2012 19:54

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Aquatic Giraffe posted:

I've also gotten quite a few sob stories from multiple different people about how their house burnt down and they lost everything. With the frequency of these emails there must be one house burning down a week in my little town, yet zero news stories. It seems like a scam but I don't know what their angle is.

Free furniture and/or money?

I needed a subletter for my apartment one summer, so being the idiot I was, I advertised on CL. One of the first emails I got was a guy telling me he and his family were willing to move in ASAP. I responded politely (again: idiot) that I had two roommates, and his situation didn't sound like a good match.

His next email was "Ok great, tell me the address we will come now."

I wised up and blocked him. For the next few weeks, though, I was terrified some random person would show up with their entire family.

# ? Jul 8, 2012 20:13

Psychobabble!: Jun 22, 2010; Observing this filth unsettles me

Aquatic Giraffe posted:

I'm still getting replies to a couple ads I posted the second week of May in the free section. Its now July. Would it be totally out of line to reply to these emails with "Look at the date the ad was posted. Look at today's date. Do you honestly think I still have it?"

I've also gotten quite a few sob stories from multiple different people about how their house burnt down and they lost everything. With the frequency of these emails there must be one house burning down a week in my little town, yet zero news stories. It seems like a scam but I don't know what their angle is.

Take down your ad...? Seems like a simple solution.

Edit:

Subject: body guard needed

i need a body guard to protect through many types of hazardous situations. I am very attractive and i just need protection. i need someone like this-------

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

Yes that is liam neeson . he is a badass. i want you to be a badass. I want like a liam neeson or like a jason statham type of badass watching after me. hell if youre asain, you better be like jackie chan badass. i would even take Vin Dielsel badass level. please contact me ,i will ask you this question "welcome to the salty spitune, how tough are you?"And i would like you too reply "how tough am i? how tough am i?..." and then your reply of how tough you are.

thank you and i hope to have a body guard soon.

Psychobabble! has a new favorite as of 21:07 on Jul 8, 2012

# ? Jul 8, 2012 21:05

Problem!: Jan 1, 2007; I am the queen of France.

hyperhazard posted:

Free furniture and/or money?

I could see asking for stuff for free that was initially put up for sale, but these were replies to my stuff I was already giving away for free. None of them ever showed up to come get it even after being given an address and directions and agreeing on a time to meet up. :iiam:

# ? Jul 9, 2012 00:26

Boneitis: Jul 14, 2010

Psychobabble! posted:

Take down your ad...? Seems like a simple solution.

Edit:

Subject: body guard needed

i need a body guard to protect through many types of hazardous situations. I am very attractive and i just need protection. i need someone like this-------

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

Yes that is liam neeson . he is a badass. i want you to be a badass. I want like a liam neeson or like a jason statham type of badass watching after me. hell if youre asain, you better be like jackie chan badass. i would even take Vin Dielsel badass level. please contact me ,i will ask you this question "welcome to the salty spitune, how tough are you?"And i would like you too reply "how tough am i? how tough am i?..." and then your reply of how tough you are.

thank you and i hope to have a body guard soon.

How tough am I? I ate a bowl of nails for breakfast.... Without any milk

# ? Jul 9, 2012 01:31

DayGloOreo: May 2, 2012; Fblthp had always hated crowds.

Free dirt/rocks
Date: 2012-06-03, 6:42PM EDT
Reply to: jckfg-3055457680@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
We have a bunch of dirt with rocks mixed in. There is also some grass and old black tarp mixed in.
It's from when we dug up our walkway. Now we have all of this dirt and we have no use for it.

It's loaded onto tarp and will need a lot of help to load it. It's extremely heavy.
I would like for someone to have it gone by Monday.
It's FREEEEEEEE

*Person gives their address and phone number*

Thank you!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3055457680

# ? Jul 13, 2012 16:48

lamey_whinehouse: Jul 5, 2007; by Smythe

hothot boi from gore club still can't get u off my mind - m4m - 24 (Seidenfaden's)

Date: 2012-07-19, 7:05PM EDT
Reply to: dhzks-3150528333@pers.craigslist.org

it's been a couple days and u still have not respondedd to me. why?
i will be frank w/u, i lurked fb 4 hourz and i found ur profile. i'm just 2 scared to send u a freidn requestt. wud u accept me if i did?
i have been drmeamin abouyt u every nite. all the things i want 2 do 2 u. 2 ur glorius rear end. unffffffffff. i also found ur tumblr. ur kinky

i'm kinky 2. i will be at da gore club this sunday nite. hellraizer marathon. i hope u will be there 2 so maybe we can finally talik. pls don't bring dat goth girl with u. she is really pretty but i'm really jealous and don't want 2 share and plus i'm still scaredd she cud put cursez on me cauz i found her FB 2... "no god"? what? i like god. plus i also luyrked her tumblr and she seems into kinky things like being tied up and if that's what u like i like it 2.
and she has dat other goth girl friend with da glassez and i think 2 gether they could put the worstt kind of cursez on me. i'm intimadated.
don't be suycked into their gothwitch wayz. i cna save u from that. we can be 3gether forever and ever and love god and have all the sex. terrible thingsz to ur rear end i want to do i've already told u so. u know.
last night in my dreamj me and u werre walkin our dog (in my dream we have a boston terrier called Spagetti) in cherokee park and holding hands and u were kissin me on my cheeik. so cute.

below is a picture of me from last hallowneeen. i dressed up as my father. lol look for me at da gore club sunday (ps my beard doesnt look like this ne more)

PostingID: 3150528333

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Jul 20, 2012 18:20

Bubble Bathory: Apr 22, 2008; HELLO, YES, THIS IS BUBBLE BATHORY. LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A BADASS OVER HERE WHO CAN'T STOP POSTING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES MEMES.

THAT'S THE JOKE.

Gore club? :ohdear:

# ? Jul 21, 2012 11:49

yoyomama: Dec 28, 2008

Here's one I found while apt hunting:

quote:

$525 Crabby, funny old bat seeks nonsmoking "lodger" (Davis Sq/Tufts/Somerville) (map)

OK, here's the deal: I have lived with others in roommate situations since I was 18, and I am getting pickier, having lived now with an array of slobs, psychos, and nasty mean people. I have also lived with beautiful souls, good kind people, responsible people, fine human beings, and some have become lifelong friends. Luckily, these people are more numerous than the wackos, given my long experience of living with roommates.

Sadly, however, the ratio of slobs and irresponsible crazies to nice people with a clue seems to be shifting. I am on the verge of deciding to become a live-alone cantankerous old lady with too many cats, unless something happens to reverse this trend.

So, I am a little jaded, and a little burned out on the whole roommate thing. Yet, there are those rare jewels amidst the sea of humanity: Responsible. Housebroken. Caring towards others. Pick up after themselves. Do not leave their undies on the bathroom floor for others to admire (or not). Pay rent & bills on time, without whining. And so on.

I recently read a book set in the 1920s, and the heroine, a young academic studying at Oxford, had "lodgings" with an older woman who took in grad students as part of her livelihood. The older woman did not play a mother role; the grad students had to be responsible for their own conduct, hours, food, housecleaning, and so on. Yet the older woman was the homeowner and set the ground-rules. They had an amicable co-existence, which benefited them all. "Ah ha!" I said. "This is what I want." Because I do like younger people; but I don't want to live like a student any more. And the house is mine, and I want it taken care of like a real home, not like a crash pad. And the stuff on the walls is mine, and I'm not going to redecorate with anything you would describe as trendy. Yet: it's a sweet and comfortable home, and could be a good refuge from the storm for the right person.

Here's the deal. I will not accept anyone who smokes, or does any drugs (other than prescription or over-the-counter). It's not a moral issue: it's that I can smell any kind of smoke, and hate it; and if you do recreational or illegal drugs of any kind, you are just not the right person for my home, and that's that. I will not accept any pet that is not up to my exacting standards for pet behavior. Yet I have an emotionally needy yet very smart (and snuggly) cat who can annoy the *@&! out of you, if you don't care for cats; and he is the apple of my eye. Sometime soon I will be adopting a second shelter cat to keep him company. They must be treated with love and respect, but also a certain firmness so they do not get out of hand. I would appreciate your caring for them when I am away, and I'll do the same for you. Your pet(s), if any, must be clean, well behaved, well cared for, and not be the kind that would maim or murder two sleepy old housecats. And I have furniture, rugs, pictures on the wall, etc., and those things must be treated with respect too. If you don't know any better than to put a wet towel down on a piece of wooden furniture, good luck to you, but please do not answer my ad. I am looking for someone who knows how to live in a nice house, but does not expect perfection. My place is old, and has quirks and flaws. The furniture ranges from beautiful antiques to really scruffy (cats, y'know). I like CLEAN, but am not averse to a bit of clutter, provided it is sightly clutter rather than embarrassing or icky. The kitchen and bath should be kept sanitary, every day, all the time, and dishes should be washed promptly right after you use them. Coffee is good; tea is good; Trader Joe's is good; homemade food from a variety of ethnic/cultural backgrounds is good; mac and cheese is good. From spring to fall you can join my CSA (organic farm-share) and share fresh greens and all kinds of beautiful vegetables. Nasty-smelling junk food from nasty corporate fast food chains is not good.

As for male/female: one of my best roommates ever was a gay man, and the Best Roomies Hall of Fame includes a bisexual woman, several straight women and more than one heterosexual man. One of my worst roommates ever was a gay man, and the other was a heterosexual woman. So I have no opinion about "who makes a good roommate" based upon age (I have lived with responsible 20-somethings, and idiotic 40+-somethings, as well as the reverse), gender, sexual preference, or other demographic criteria. BUT if you are a male, you cannot be the clueless type who leaves the toilet seat up, and thinks that housecleaning is something the elves do while you are sleeping or watching TV. Come to think of it, if you are a female, you cannot think that elves (or another woman) should do your share of the housekeeping either! Know which end of the broom to use, and know the difference between Mr Clean and Mr Coffee -- they both have a place here. :-)

$525 a month gets you a darling furnished bedroom with bureaus, desk, chair, and trundle bed (good for an occasional guest), all about 11 x 11'; plus share in the household's high-speed wireless internet service. You also get the use of the fully furnished kitchen and living room. Just bring your clothes, laptop, and books... and maybe a favorite mug or whatnot... and move on in.

Extras by special arrangement: There is an elegant Old World dining room if you enjoy cooking dinner a la Russe for 8 of your dearest friends (do please save a place for me). Well-trained liveried footmen (Downton Abbey style) are, sadly, not included in the rent. Use of the antique Limoges china is not included at any price. If I cook dinner a la Russe for 8 of my dearest friends, I will save a place at the table for you.

There is also a rustic back porch where we have been known to shuck oysters and slurp them down right on the spot. You are welcome to shuck and slurp out there as well. Please clean the oyster knife afterwards, and add the shells to our midden pile in the backyard for future archeologists and anthropologists to argue over: "They did NOT raise oysters in Somerville, the most densely populated city in the Northeast." "They most certainly must have. Just look at this pile of shells! This place must have been part of an oyster farm several millennia ago." Etc. Etc.

Ah yes, back to reality. Utilities are extra. If you come from a warm climate and/or an area with new housing stock, be warned: this is an OLD Victorian house with many windows, high ceilings, and lots of living space. You cannot keep the heat at 68 F in this place in wintertime unless your last name is Rockefeller. Nor can you (or at least I) afford to air-condition the entire thing. You may wish to look for something smaller, more modern, and with fewer original architectural details. ;-) Those of you who hail from Alaska, Michigan, Switzerland, Tibet, and similar climates will probably feel right at home here. Pull on your fleece sweater and little earmuffs and move on in. Note: I am kidding, but only sort of. The bedrooms are actually fairly warm. You can always cozy up to the kitchen table with a hot cuppa and enjoy the kitchen heater (a fine old 1938-era stove/heater combo that will bake carrot muffins, simmer a pot of soup, and warm the kitchen efficiently depending upon your needs). It is just the living room and dining room, and the ssstairwwwwelllls, that achieve that arctic chill from December through March. Hardy souls encouraged!

Move-in time is any time in August, or early September. You summer students staying for a fall program in the Boston/Cambridge/Medford area might find this an ideal situation. Maybe your situation has nothing to do with grad school. Do write and tell me all about it. I am open to your thoughts.

Current arrangement through Aug. 2013 is myself, plus a delightful young-20's woman working at a local very well known theatrical company; and perhaps you.

FYI some of my happiest cohabitation situations in the last 5 years were with married men (not all at once, it was serial housemate-ogamy) who were perfectly faithful to their wives, had a home in another state, and were working in nearby Davis Sq. We had jolly times chortling over our respective glass of whatnot in the evenings and regaling one another with the insanity and inanity of our respective workplace travails of that day. It is amazing how the "Dilbert" cartoons capture so accurately the peccadilloes of so many disparate offices. So many pointy-haired bosses, so many Catberts. But I digress.

So, I may be too restrictive, or my place too odd or too old, for 99.999% of the home-seekers out there. But if you are part of the .001% who likes the sound of me and my place, and who wants a safe, interesting, furnished, pet- friendly place close to the T (and right around the corner from Tufts) and to live with someone with left-of-center politics, (no right wingers or religious crazies, please: faith is fine, but yours is yours and mine is mine); if you are willing to recycle, into composting, will share chores and so on, let's talk. Send me an email and let's see what you have to say about yourself.

Oh, and you must be gay-friendly. I am bi, and my girlfriend is a lesbian. You can be straight, or anything, really, except homophobic, racist, or enamored of Sarah Palin's views on science and foreign policy (or Newt's views on social justice: "poor children have a bad work ethic." Say what?!?) Oh, and no Ayn Rand fans. You know who you are. We would quarrel bitterly.

So... if this interests you, write to me about yourself, and tell me what you need and who you are.

Peace on earth, good will towards all, from a cranky old bat with a good sense of humor.

FAQs:

Q: I have a dog who pees in the house and chases cats. Would you consider me? A: You're kidding, right?

Q: I want to get a puppy. A: See above; but good luck to you, dear. Who wouldn't love a puppy?

Q: I want to bring my own furniture. A: Did you read the ad?

Q: We are a couple looking to live together. A: I'm happy for you, but sorry, no couples, or triads, or quartets.

Q: I am a vegetarian. A: I will not slaughter livestock in the house, nor have an ox roasting over a spit. Occasionally I will roast a chicken or make a meat-based dish. Mostly I cook vegetarian at home; but not always. The cats, however, eat meat twice a day. They need something called "taurine" which only meat provides.

Q: I want to slaughter livestock and roast oxen on a spit. A: What do you think this is, a medieval castle?

Q: I love TV. A: I'm happy for you. We all need something to love. However, I don't care for too much TV, except. of course, for my one incredibly silly show that I enjoy. If you can keep it to an hour a day and not have blast-em- up shootout/scream type shows going after 10 pm I can tolerate your TV. If you are a TV addict, best keep looking elsewhere. If you like to watch TV in the late late late hours... you will need earphones.

Q: I would like to work at home. A: If by "work" you mean giving massages, doing therapy, selling insurance policies, or turning tricks... anything involving the presence of actual in-person clients or customers... then heck no. If by "work" you mean "connect to the internet and type on a laptop and/or yak on a cellphone" then sure, but you should obtain your own high-speed internet service.

Q: I don't have a job. A: Then how will you pay the rent and utilities on time and without whining? Demonstrate that you can do so, and I will consider you.

Q: I wish to replace your art items with mine. A: In your room, yes; elsewhere, no.

Q: I wish to replace your bedroom furniture with mine. A: Sorry, the room is furnished and will stay that way.

Q: I have a # of pets greater than 2 AND/OR some type of pet that will attack your sleepy old housecats. A: More than 1 cat and 1 dog will be too many. A bowl of goldfish are OK, but the cats will get them eventually. How attached are you to those specific goldfish? Small rodents: bad idea. The cats will get them and it won't be pretty. Pythons; ferrets; skunks; honey badgers; etc, so sorry but not here.

Q: I have a House Rabbit. A: Let's discuss. I love pet rabbits and have had several in the past. However, they can chew the heck out of the antique furniture and woodwork, and can literally devour a nice oriental rug. Proper rabbit management can circumvent this.

Q: I am going to quit smoking. A: Call me in a year.

Q: I just quit smoking: A: Call me in 10 months.

Q: Why are you such a drag about smoking? A: Experience.

Q: I would like to move in, but not until [date later than September 1, 2012]. Would you hold the room for me? A: Sure, if I would otherwise be willing to rent it to you, and if you are willing to pay for it to sit empty until [date later than September 1, 2012]. And yes, you would have to pay your share of utilities too.

Q: I am from [overseas location] and am a delightful young person who desperately needs a place to live, sight unseen. I/my rich uncle wish to wire money into your bank account/send you a bank check for thousands more than the cost of the room, and because we trust you so much sight unseen, allow you to reimburse the difference via Western Union/other method. A: Yawn. Cease and desist, tiresome scammers! We are all onto you now.

Q: I am a real person, really interested in your place, and willing to abide by your quirky yet oh so sensible rules. A: Let's get together for tea or coffee sometime soon.

poo poo, I didn't even realize it was so long until I had to quote it. Maybe not so crazy in terms of content, but who needs to write a novel to find a roommate (or read a 1920s novel to find out you want one)?

# ? Jul 21, 2012 14:32

lamey_whinehouse: Jul 5, 2007; by Smythe

Bubble Bathory posted:

Gore club?

It's not as bad as it sounds. They get together at bars and watch cheesy horror movies, apparently.

# ? Jul 21, 2012 16:47

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

yoyomama posted:

Here's one I found while apt hunting:

poo poo, I didn't even realize it was so long until I had to quote it. Maybe not so crazy in terms of content, but who needs to write a novel to find a roommate (or read a 1920s novel to find out you want one)?

"Your pet(s), if any, must be clean, well behaved, well cared for, and not be the kind that would maim or murder two sleepy old housecats."

"A bowl of goldfish are OK, but the cats will get them eventually. How attached are you to those specific goldfish? Small rodents: bad idea. The cats will get them and it won't be pretty."
:downs:

I hope you don't mind my Burmese python. How attached are you to those specific cats?

# ? Jul 22, 2012 03:11

timeandtide: Nov 29, 2007; This space is reserved for future considerations.

I've been looking for a room and finally found the deal for me:

Craigslist posted:

hi im looking to rent one of my rooms in my house and ill make u a deal u give me alright car u will have somewhere to stay for as long as much as the car is worth if iterested give danny a call

# ? Jul 24, 2012 09:25

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

yoyomama posted:

insane person

I hate this woman so much. I hate, hate, HATE her. And her loving antique/lovely furniture.

# ? Jul 25, 2012 08:00

The Southern Dandy: Jun 15, 2010; ASK ME ABOUT MY RADLEY-WALTERS' MEDAL

Is that medal for being the most intolerable poster in a thread about Warhammer 40.000 novels? Because if it is, you sure blew the competition out of the water, son.

yoyomama posted:

Here's one I found while apt hunting:

poo poo, I didn't even realize it was so long until I had to quote it. Maybe not so crazy in terms of content, but who needs to write a novel to find a roommate (or read a 1920s novel to find out you want one)?

Smug and neurotic: a fearful combination. :catstare:

# ? Jul 25, 2012 15:53

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

To the girl who shitted outside little kings - m4w (athens)

Date: 2012-07-15, 4:40AM EDT
Reply to: n8mzw-3140402991@pers.craigslist.org

that was the most boss poo poo ever.
ur crazy as gently caress but that was too legit.

u ever wanna get together lemme know
dont want u shittin on my floor or anything but u seem freaky so we cld probly do some nasty poo poo

# ? Jul 26, 2012 17:23

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

I was looking for a moderately-priced rug on Craigslist today, which was a mistake. The CL furniture listings come in two tiers: 1) Free broken college crap that needs to be picked up asap before the lease is over, and, 2) Comically overpriced antiques that no one in the family wanted to keep after Great-Aunt Millie died.

And then around 2AM I stumbled upon this listing:

Extra dose of creepy:

I'm giving up for the night. Sweet dreams! :unsmigghh:

# ? Jul 31, 2012 07:12

SALT CURES HAM: Jan 4, 2011

Okay that is unironically loving amazing

# ? Jul 31, 2012 11:53

Stupid_Sexy_Flander: Mar 14, 2007; Is a man not entitled to the haw of his maw?; Grimey Drawer

To be fair, I always wanted one of those, but I have a real fear of stumbling around in the dark and kicking the bear in it's giant flesh rending teeth.

Hence, besides the fact I have no room to place it, I will not be owning one.

(obvious I have no money to buy it reason included as well)

# ? Aug 1, 2012 17:15

Young Freud: Nov 26, 2006

Does anything worthwhile ever come from Craigslist? I've been browsing their gigs section and, if its not spec work or some sort of scam, it seems no one bothers to respond to my inquiries.

# ? Aug 1, 2012 17:56

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

quote:

Hence, besides the fact I have no room to place it, I will not be owning one.

You could just wear it around as a cloak. Then you don't have to worry about floor space.

# ? Aug 1, 2012 18:55

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Young Freud posted:

Does anything worthwhile ever come from Craigslist?

Not a bear rug, but I still think it's badass.

# ? Aug 1, 2012 23:53

Young Freud: Nov 26, 2006

hyperhazard posted:

Not a bear rug, but I still think it's badass.

If I didn't have fully-grown nieces and nephews, I would so buy that just to freak them out.

# ? Aug 1, 2012 23:54

Psychobabble!: Jun 22, 2010; Observing this filth unsettles me

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

To be fair, I always wanted one of those, but I have a real fear of stumbling around in the dark and kicking the bear in it's giant flesh rending teeth.

Hence, besides the fact I have no room to place it, I will not be owning one.

(obvious I have no money to buy it reason included as well)

Lucky for you, my friend, the head is fake except for the fur(eyes, teeth, nose, etc)

# ? Aug 3, 2012 04:16

Pompous Rhombus: Mar 11, 2007

Young Freud posted:

Does anything worthwhile ever come from Craigslist? I've been browsing their gigs section and, if its not spec work or some sort of scam, it seems no one bothers to respond to my inquiries.

I bought a pretty sweet vintage 80's road bike from a dude out the burbs who had bought it wanting to save money on gas (had a Corvette in the garage, lol) for $100. Was my primary transportation for two years while I finished college.

Also scored some great deals on camera equipment, including a vintage WW2 aerial reconnaissance lens I bought sight-unseen on Ohio Craigslist from an old guy. I paid $100 for it, it would have sold on eBay for $400+ but the guy just wasn't too hip to the internet and didn't care to learn. I called him up, we worked something out, and he was tickled that it went to someone who was actually going to use it like he did, rather than a collector or something.

Local dude sold me $250+ worth of 4x5 film for $50. Made getting into large format photography radically cheaper for me.

A good friend of mine (who has a pretty well-paying job already) buys and fixes/flips vehicles, TV's, etc for playing around money, and because he enjoys tinkering. He turned a $350 "get this off my lawn" Ninja 250 into a pretty well-equipped (now that he did a lot of work on it) 19' motorboat that he takes out every weekend. Said guy also found his current living situation through CL, who was actually a girl we'd went to high school with but fallen out of touch with. He pays a pittance to split half of a spacious 4BR house in a pretty decent area.

Shitton of crazies though, yeah.

# ? Aug 3, 2012 08:28

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 16:29

fap: Jul 1, 2003; roll you up into my life.

http://i48.tinypic.com/11kuz2x.jpg

Got a great dane or a horse? Are you black with a big cock? Help this guy out!

# ? Aug 6, 2012 17:39

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Craigslist Crazies: I will pay you in human teeth.

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