Gold Rush Season 2: Our Glory Holes Bring All The Miners to Alaska

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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The TV IV > Gold Rush Season 2: Our Glory Holes Bring All The Miners to Alaska

Garbo: May 30, 2011

Gold Rush: Alaska is the story of 6 miners (plus a few others from time to time) who sold almost everything they had to move to Alaska and mine for gold in an attempt to drag themselves out of foreclosure and into the American dream!

Okay, it's really about 5-6 really stupid inexperienced people yelling at the 1-2 smart experienced people for daring to suggest they not do things incorrectly. Think of it as Whale Wars with less smug and more "AMERICA". So come, sit down, have a drink (you'll need it), and let us all enjoy season 2 of Gold Rush: Alaska, premiering on the Discovery Network on Oct 28th at 9 pm!

Previously on Season 1 of Gold Rush: Alaska

Todd Hoffman, his father, and 4 of their friends sold their businesses and personal possessions to buy equipment to mine for gold in Alaska. Only Jack Hoffman, Todd's father, has any gold mining experience.
The miners spend a large amount of time doing anything but mining for actual gold. Greg Remsburg spends a huge amount of time building a giant house. Jimmy Dorsey spends a huge amount of time being an idiot and James Harness has to fix up after him.
What little gold is run through their antiquated equipment creates black sand, essentially runoff mixed with fine gold. Jim Thurber collects and hauls it up a hill to a tent where Dorsey attempts to set up a table to separate the gold from the runoff. It doesn't work.
Dorsey and Remsburg get into a fight. Dorsey leaves the camp, and Chris Doumitt is brought in to replace him. The grand total worth of gold collected after several months hovers around 3k. They need 100k to stay in business.
Mine owner Earle Foster makes a visit to the mine and is shocked at how stupid the miners are. He gets his right hand man, 'Dakota' Fred Hurt, to stay with the miners and keep them in check.
The miners slowly start to earn money under the watchful eye of Dakota Fred.
Todd makes one last attempt to get the black sand to earn a profit. It works, but only for the richer (read: recently collected) sand. Thurber, who spent months collecting and hauling the sand, flips.
After continually having to pump water out of the 'glory hole' (a long dead waterfall supposedly filled with gold at the bottom) the crew finally manages to extract 20k (roughly 14 ounces) worth of gold.
Winter forces the miners out. They vow to come back next spring and live THE AMERICAN DREAM.

Inbetween Seasons 1 and 2

Todd Hoffman attempts to set up a second mine for next season in the Kodiac (roughly 600 miles north of Porcupine Creek). He solicits his old mining crew to come back and starts to woo investors.
Dakota Fred visits Todd and informs him he plans on mining Porcupine Creek with his own crew next mining season. Todd believes he can't be kicked out since he still has a lease.
Things go bad for the second mine. Todd has to settle for lesser equipment after he is outbid on the good stuff. His possible investor decides not to invest. Finally, he can't secure water rights for the site, thus ending the first attempt at a Kodiac mine.
Dave Turin joins the crew, Harness gets surgery to reduce his pain, and Thurber quits a steady job to go be useless again. Dakota Fred calls Todd with bad news that needs to be said face to face. Todd blows him off.
The miners head off to live THE AMERICAN DREAM, unaware that the bad news is the Porcupine Creek lease has been given to Dakota Fred due to missed payments by the Hoffman's.

The Miners

Todd Hoffman

The 'leader' of the miners. Roughly as dumb as his beard is long, he's the one who came up with the idea of mining for gold despite having no mining experience. Had to ask his sister (who he has a rocky relationship with) for money about 3/4ths of the way through season 1. Likes to make broad sweeping generalizations about how him digging up 1k worth of gold with 10k worth of equipment/gas/food proves that "GOD AND THE AMERICAN DREAM" are still alive. Did we mention he's dumb? He's dumb.

Jack Hoffman

The 'experience' of the miners. Once mined for a few years in the 80s. This is the grand total mining experience the six original miners had. Routinely does whatever he feels like regardless of silly things such as 'plans' or 'safety' or 'basic technology'. Father of Todd Hoffman. It shows. Believes the best way to dig a hole is straight down and the second best way is straight down with a bias towards digging out the ground from under you.

Greg Remsburg

The 'site foreman' of the 'miners'. He's the 'site foreman' because he wasn't on site and the 'miners' because he didn't mine for roughly half the season. Instead, he (supposedly illegally) cut trees to build a giant house for himself and his family. Eventually started to 'work', and by work we mean 'ignore good advice given to him by people with experience'.

James Harness

The 'mechanic/rear end' of the miners. Builds things. Suffered an accident that broke roughly everything in his body before the series and hasn't had all the surgeries to fix it. Neglected to bring enough pain medication for the months he would be in Alaska. He's very good with all things mechanical but he also has a rather nasty disposition. Also doesn't like good advice from people with experience. Noticing a trend?

Jim Thurber

The 'useless' of the miners. Spent the entirety of season 1 hauling heavy 'black sand' up and down a hill in the hope that they could eventually work out a way to extract the fine gold from the heavy waste. Turns out they couldn't. Not letting a pesky thing like reality stop them, they tried against near the end of the season and actually got it to work...but only on the recent black sand they hauled. That made Thurber's several months of work counterproductive, since the buckets used were worth more than the gold in them. He took it well.

~~Jimmy Dorsey~~

The 'genius' of th...okay, I can't finish that. Jimmy Dorsey made everyone, from the dumb mine leader to the technophobic grandpa to the suffering drug withdrawal mechanic, look like brilliant physicists. Where as most mistakes were things the average person might not know but a gold miner should, Dorsey's mistakes were...different. Couldn't make the connection that cutting a hole in a hose that carries water would, gasp, make the water fall out! Got into a fight after the first attempt to seperate gold from black sand and left.

Chris Doumitt

The 'enthusiasm/pumpologist' of the miners. Originally came up to help Greg build his house, but after Dorsey left he was recruited to help them out for the rest of the season. If we were keeping count (we are) this is the one and only correct decision made roughly all season. Chris is pretty much positive morale taken form. That, mixed with his competence in keeping the pumps running each and every day in nearly freezing temperatures for several weeks, makes him one of the few likable characters.

'Dakota' Fred Hurt

The 'actual experience' of the miners. After the claim owner realized what idiots he had leased his land to, he sent his good friend and experience miner Dakota Fred down to watch over them and get them to actual get him some gold. Exists pretty much to point at, laugh at, and correct the mistakes of the rookie miners. In return, the rookie miners exist only to ignore all of his good advice and then wonder why things aren't working.

The Supporting Characters

The Families: Brought up to Alaska at great expense, they had to leave halfway through season 1 due to lack of funds.
Earle Foster: The mine owner and an experienced miner in his own right. Sent his good friend and fellow miner Dakota Fred to watch over the newbies. Is owned a percent of the profit.
Dave Turin: Friend of the Hoffman's. Owns a quarry in Oregon and occasionally comes up to Alaska to help them with the digging part of the mine.
Mike Halstead: The miner's pastor from Oregon. Came up in the first few episodes to help them get settled.

Season 2 Episodes
S2E1: Twisted Fate (10/28/11)

Garbo fucked around with this message at Nov 9, 2011 around 21:02

# ? Oct 28, 2011 23:55

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# ? May 22, 2013 04:39

iastudent: Apr 22, 2008; You walk through life not knowing who the idiots are! That gives them the element of surprise! And that's how they ruin your day!

In case anyone's wondering, it's on Discovery.

I lost touch with this show in the first season but I'm glad to hit the ground running this time. Bring on the stupid and GLORY HOLES.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:09

Paradox Personified: Mar 15, 2010; SoroScrew

Have they ever tried just a bunch of mules and pickaxes, as the wonderful goon in the previous megathread suggested?

Glory hole.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:12

Philthy: Jan 28, 2003; Oh yeah.

Beautiful OP.

I really can't wait to watch these guys gently caress up thousands of dollars of equipment again!

A really really old man constantly saying GLORY HOLE is probably the least sexy thing ever.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:25

Garbo: May 30, 2011

iastudent posted:

In case anyone's wondering, it's on Discovery.

Oops! It's been added

Paradox Personified posted:

Have they ever tried just a bunch of mules and pickaxes, as the wonderful goon in the previous megathread suggested?

Jack just doesn't trust that durn electricity.

Philthy posted:

Beautiful OP.

Thanks! It's the first one I've ever done. If I missed anything else, let me know.

Glory hole.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:41

Zyklon B Zombie: Feb 13, 2005; Circling Overland

I don't have cable anymore. Does Discovery usually put up episodes of it's shows up on amazon for sale right away, or is there a delay? Can't wait to see these episodes.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:53

Fist of Freud: May 7, 2007

How the gently caress do you drop a hundred grand on equipment when you don�t know for sure you can mine legally with all the permits?

Glory hole.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:53

BlackIronHeart: Aug 1, 2004; The Oath Breaker's about to hit warphead nine Kaptain!

This is the best news ever for someone who DVRs The Soup every day. Gay Shows, Alaska Edition is back!

# ? Oct 29, 2011 00:57

Garbo: May 30, 2011

And here we go!

Zyklon B Zombie posted:

I don't have cable anymore. Does Discovery usually put up episodes of it's shows up on amazon for sale right away, or is there a delay? Can't wait to see these episodes.

They're usually up on iTunes pretty quick so I'd assume they'd go up on Amazon quickly as well.

Garbo fucked around with this message at Oct 29, 2011 around 01:02

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:00

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

IM SO EXCITED.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:01

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

Holy poo poo the glory hole.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:05

iastudent: Apr 22, 2008; You walk through life not knowing who the idiots are! That gives them the element of surprise! And that's how they ruin your day!

Dat glory hole.

Suck it ~~down~~ up boys!

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:06

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

Does anybody else get extremely nervous/anxious when the old man is like "I think it will be okay"?

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:09

Garbo: May 30, 2011

Todd sounds like me with a bad car. "Maybe, just maybe, if I continue to turn the engine it'll eventually work!"

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:10

spandexcajun: Feb 28, 2005; Suck the head for a little extra cajun flavor

Didn't winterize anything, in Alaska! It's amazing how dumb these guys are. I miss Dorsey, he was the best.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:14

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

The gold in that pan is equal to pretty much all they collected last season hot drat

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:14

Garbo: May 30, 2011

Dakota Fred rides again!

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:23

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

ARE THERE ENOUGH COMMERCIALS? Good lord. 3 Minutes of content, 5 minutes of commercials.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:23

Log082: Nov 8, 2008

"Just back up"

Dave is really the only competent person on the crew this year, isn't he.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:38

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

Log082 posted:

"Just back up"

Dave is really the only competent person on the crew this year, isn't he.

No joke, Harness deserves some credit.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:44

Log082: Nov 8, 2008

Iseeyouseemeseeyou posted:

No joke, Harness deserves some credit.

Yeah, fair enough. I didn't really follow this last season, just caught it on TV occasionally while doing other things, but I remember him being pretty useful, if temperamental (like the time he almost got into a fight with Dakota Fred.)

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:47

Boco_T: Mar 12, 2003; Keep your energy high with my Beast Power Rap

If you just turned the TV on at 9, you might want to check the replay schedule. There was an unadvertised "offseason" special that came on at 8 that bridged seasons 1-2, and included the explanation for why they are in Porcupine again rather than their dream Klondike haul. It also showed that they are "so poor they need this American dream" when they funded this season by having Todd's mom SELL PART OF THE AIRPORT THEY OWN for funds.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:47

Garbo: May 30, 2011

Yes! Dakota Fred really is the best person

"The good news is you did all the work for me! The bad news is now I get to profit!"

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:48

Boco_T: Mar 12, 2003; Keep your energy high with my Beast Power Rap

I'm also glad you mentioned Whale Wars in the OP, because since this show started I've been referring to it as "Whale Wars North" or "Whale Wars Conservative."

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:50

Log082: Nov 8, 2008

I never really paid much attention to Whale Wars; are they as incompetent as the mining crew, or is there another similarity I'm missing?

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:51

Boco_T: Mar 12, 2003; Keep your energy high with my Beast Power Rap

Log082 posted:

I never really paid much attention to Whale Wars; are they as incompetent as the mining crew, or is there another similarity I'm missing?

Yeah, and also they're even further from actual trained aid so when they drive their non-ice-proofed ship into icy waters it's even dumber.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:54

Frot Lesnar: Feb 27, 2007; Midcarder que no ha hecho mierda

Log082 posted:

I never really paid much attention to Whale Wars; are they as incompetent as the mining crew, or is there another similarity I'm missing?

Yes. They are incompetent as hell. I forget the particulars but they chased one ship only to figure out it was not the one they were looking for. The captain also was pissed that the helicopter pilot would not fly in unsafe equipment or bad weather.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 01:55

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

dakota used to be cool. Seriously. Come on.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 02:00

Garbo: May 30, 2011

Iseeyouseemeseeyou posted:

dakota used to be cool. Seriously. Come on.

Dakota is cool. He's back stabbing them so perfectly. It's beautiful in its own horrible way.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 02:04

Philthy: Jan 28, 2003; Oh yeah.

So they find a guy dumb enough to give them more money, he buys in. They end up buying two tractors for ~$80k. They ship them off to the new claim. They find out they don't have the new claim anymore. They find out they don't have the old claim anymore. The equipment is in limboworld now? The truckers are all sitting in a hotel drunk out of their minds for a week waiting on where to take the tractors? The investor is still really excited about his non-existent claim he dumped money into?

What?

# ? Oct 29, 2011 02:35

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

Philthy posted:

So they find a guy dumb enough to give them more money, he buys in. They end up buying two tractors for ~$80k. They ship them off to the new claim. They find out they don't have the new claim anymore. They find out they don't have the old claim anymore. The equipment is in limboworld now? The truckers are all sitting in a hotel drunk out of their minds for a week waiting on where to take the tractors? The investor is still really excited about his non-existent claim he dumped money into?

What?

Rebellion. Bro.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 02:36

FiTreDawG: Oct 7, 2006; We Are... Marshall

Finally get to get in on a TV show thread early enough to follow it through.

The best part was Dakota's rat tail in the aftershow. Clearly, that is an "I'm Rich" rat tail.

This show is the anti-deadliest catch. Both are amazing. Both involve huge levels of risk/reward but in terms of competency are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

I already can't wait for season 3. I'm assuming season2 will be another year of busts and then they will get the water rights to their "Dream claim," and sell the rest of the airport to get in on it.

Also, Thurber-Stache is amazing.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 03:16

Crazy Ted: Jul 29, 2003

I thought this show would be retarded when I first watched it last year but good God everyone was so incompetent that I had to start watching it every week out of sheer morbid curiosity.

The best thing that could happen in season two is Dakota Fred shows up on the last day of mining and slaughters everybody.

I wonder if there's a drinking game based on the number of times one of the Hoffmans references God or America in a given episode.

Crazy Ted fucked around with this message at Oct 29, 2011 around 05:21

# ? Oct 29, 2011 05:17

zitremedy: Jan 12, 2007

Crazy Ted posted:

I wonder if there's a drinking game based on the number of times one of the Hoffmans references God or America in a given episode.

Start with having a drink every time "GLORY HOLE" is mentioned by the Hoffmans or the narrator. I wish everyone luck trying to make it past the first commercial break.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 05:58

Boco_T: Mar 12, 2003; Keep your energy high with my Beast Power Rap

Let's gather each Friday evening in the thread to pray together for maximum stupidity on the show.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 12:39

Viktor: Nov 12, 2005

Iseeyouseemeseeyou posted:

dakota used to be cool. Seriously. Come on.

They didn't pay the lease on the claim and Dakota even gave them an out buying up their equipment so they wouldn't have to move it. There's no way they could work together but I would of love to have seen it with dakota being the boss.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 15:02

iastudent: Apr 22, 2008; You walk through life not knowing who the idiots are! That gives them the element of surprise! And that's how they ruin your day!

There's something deliciously evil about the commercials before the season premiere being entirely composed of footage from this ep.

# ? Oct 29, 2011 15:36

hitze: Aug 28, 2007; Give me a dollar. No, the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind...

I love how they managed to top an entire season of stupidity by forgetting to pay the lease.

# ? Oct 30, 2011 04:58

Owsla: Aug 31, 2003; Where are my bitches?

I hate all these fucks and I love watching them fail

# ? Oct 30, 2011 07:35

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# ? May 22, 2013 04:39

dvorak: Sep 11, 2003; WARNING: Temporal rift detected!

Harkness' surgery must have been life changing for him, his voice is even different.

# ? Oct 30, 2011 10:18

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