|
Well, since it's apparently still time for new thread introductions, I might as well take the opportunity to come back to the thread. Hi! I'm Valerie, a 26 year old trans woman, and I originally showed up in the TMT almost a year and a half ago now. Due to not having internet most of that time I've been very absent from the thread. I have been struggling with my gender for a very long time and it was only last year that I was even been able to accept that I might be trans, and only more recently have I accepted that I am transgender and that I am definitely going to pursue transition. I am currently married to my extremely accepting and supportive wife, who has been absolutely wonderful during my years of depression and more recently while I've been coming to terms with my situation. It just goes to show you that not every marriage has to go through some kind of crisis when one of the partners transitions. As of right now all I've been able to accomplish towards transition has been some cosmetic changes in appearance (longer hair, shaped eyebrows, etc) and I'm just beginning to build a decent wardrobe. I'm currently trying to get into some kind of therapy but since I live in West Virginia and our finances suck, my options are rather limited and I'm currently on a waiting list for therapy at my local university psych clinic. My immediate goals are to get past the strong anxiety and depression I've had the last few years, get a decent paying job, and put the money towards gamete storage (absolutely essential since we plan to have kids some day) and then hormones as soon as that's done. tl;dr - i'm a married 26 y/o trans woman in West Virginia, pre everything, no job, etc. So to contribute some content, I'm surprised I haven't seen mention of this in the last couple of threads, but there was a very encouraging survey released recently: quote:A recent survey found that approximately 9 out of 10 Americans, including strong majorities of all religious, believe that transgender people deserve the same rights and protections as other Americans. You can find the Survey results in PDF format here The results are quite encouraging, including one result showing 74% of respondents favored hate crime laws that protect gender identity.
|
| # ¿ Nov 11, 2011 23:57 |
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 24, 2013 17:05 |
|
|
I know I'm a little late on the suicide discussion, but I've been having a strong bout of depression lately and I've had to once again remind myself why I need to push forward. Whenever I'm feeling the darkest and at my most desperate for some sort of way out of it, I always find myself thinking something like "if I did that, I will never have the chance to..." Whatever it is I'm afraid of losing the chance to do, it doesn't matter, because in that moment I realize just how final and irrevocable suicide can be. I could never eat another donut, or hear another song, or have the chance to learn the answer to one of life's big mysteries. I mean maybe tomorrow we'll make contact with another alien civilization, or we'll discover a whole new paradigm for physics. Suicide is one of the few decisions that can never be taken back, or apologized for. And on top of all that, suicide is the most supremely cowardly and selfish of acts. When you kill yourself you are hurting everyone who ever knew you, everyone who ever hears about it, and everyone who might be considering it themselves. When you kill yourself you can only ever take something from this world. The only thing suicide adds to society is pain, and believe me you can never know how or for whom that pain will manifest. Suicide solves nothing and hurts everyone. Whew, I think I needed to say that as much for myself as for anyone else here. Just remember that if you stick around to live, there is always a possibility, no matter how small, that things will get better.
|
| # ¿ Nov 14, 2011 17:29 |
|
|
Collaterly Sisters posted:I really disagree with this sentiment, and while I understand the rancor that people who have been hurt by suicide can have, I don't think it's productive. It can be very unkind. People who are suicidal are not making decisions in the same way as we are when we sit around talking about suicide - they are driven by an overwhelming need to escape pain. Many suicidal people already struggle with a sense of burdening those around them and of being intensely cowardly, no matter what they do. I respectfully disagree. First, I am fully aware of the pain that drives one to consider suicide. This is rather personal, but I honestly was as close as I've been in years to committing suicide just last night. So, yeah I know. Second, in my opinion, no amount of pain in one person could ever outweigh the pain suicide inflicts upon the world. Redwolf posted:Do you really think that the possibility argument is a good one? Hey, its possible that tomorrow will bring you the sense of peace and contentment you've spent most of your life desperately searching for. Of course, it's pretty well certain that tomorrow will actually be a repeat of the same endless sucking void of misery that your life has been for as long as you care to remember. If someone were gambling with those odds you'd call them insane. I'm not trying to come off as sanctimonious, it might sound that way since I'm basically giving you some of my own internal cheerleading. That said I think you're missing my point entirely. Yes living carries with it the risk that a bad thing might happen, possibly even likely. Even so, it's inarguable that after you kill yourself, there is no longer a possiblity for change of ANY kind, whatsoever. I'll take a chance over absolutely no hope at all. Think of it this way, if you kill yourself then that's it. Your life will only have ever been that. If you live it has the chance to be more. Anyway sorry if I'm not making myself clear enough here.
|
| # ¿ Nov 14, 2011 19:25 |
|
|
Meis posted:I have a problem where even when I have freshly shaved as closely as I know how, I still have a very visible stubble that just makes me look awful. It's because my facial hair is black and my skin is pale. I absolutely feel for you, as I'm in pretty much exactly this position, except for the parents knowing. My skin is very similar and one good thing I've heard about this skin type is that it tends to be an indication that laser treatments should be able to work for you quite well! The higher the contrast between hair and skin color the easier time the laser has of doing it's job.
|
| # ¿ Nov 14, 2011 19:27 |
|
|
Collaterly Sisters posted:I don't mean to draw some kind of balance. I just don't think that blaming people who take their own lives - calling them cowardly or selfish - realistically captures how much control they have over themselves in that moment. I understand how one can struggle with suicidal impulses and feel even more strongly that suicide is selfish and cowardly, and I'm sympathetic. But I think it's important to recognize suicidality as a medical problem, not a moral one. You make an excellent point about the irrationality of suicide and the importance of putting it in the proper perspective. You are right that it is a medical problem, and I'm not trying to assign a moral value judgement to suicide so much as trying to point out the consequences. As to your second point, I very much should consider that I'm putting too much moral weight there. That said, my own feelings of depression come in large part from a place of shame and guilt, and the pain from that is in fact what drove me to that point. It is because those feelings arose from a sense of guilt/shame that I was able to show myself that no matter what guilt or shame I might feel now it could never hope to equal the guilt and shame I would feel (were I alive) should I have committed suicide. Anyway enough suicide chat. Here's something cute: 
|
| # ¿ Nov 14, 2011 21:27 |
|
|
Welp, I actually had a pretty awesome day yesterday. We made a day out of going to my therapy appointment and running some errands. I've been stressing about going for weeks now, mainly out of concern that I wouldn't end up with a decent therapist, and also just basic fear since the therapist is only the second person I've come out to. It was a big roll of the dice, since I'm going to the university's psychology clinic, which is staffed by Ph.D. candidate students. It's essentially my only therapy option at the moment since we have no health insurance and no money anyways. I actually had therapy there before, a couple of years ago, when I thought my only problem was depression/anxiety (  ), and had a very mediocre to sub par therapist. Basically, going in yesterday I was assuming that the worst case scenario is the therapist would be bigoted/biased and uneducated on trans issues, and maybe the best case scenario would be someone who had like one gender studies course and isn't bigoted. I figured the best I could hope for was another mediocre therapist who I'd have to educate on the details of transition, etc.So in the 1.5 hr intake appointment I managed to explain that I was having gender identity issues and that I was considering transition, starting about twenty minutes into the intake interview. I spent pretty much the whole session answering basic information questions for his notes, giving background on my issues and life story, etc. When I brought up the gender issues part he was very receptive and continued to listen, with relatively little comment/question which was reassuring. It took me some effort to work it in to conversation, but once I got it out he only asked a couple of questions about where I was at, how seriously I'm considering transition or something like that. He seemed to have a very positive attitude and all so it wasn't hard to continue the conversation, and we kind of touched on the trans issue a number of times. Anyways, with about 10-15 minutes left in the session he finally finished the intake questions and whatnot and he asks if I have any questions about him/for him, and I just asked straight up 'how comfortable/experienced are you engaging me in therapy w/r/t transition/trans issues?' and he then explained that his primary area of study is in transgender children, and that he has seen a number of patients presenting with some level of gender identity issues and actually has one patient coming up on SRS, and has helped a couple others through some aspect or another of transition. I was pretty surprised, and very pleasantly so. Even in my most optimistic projection I was expecting someone with some education on the topic, but to find that this guy has a pretty above average level of experience? Wow, what a relief! I realize just how drat lucky I am, especially considering the sort of area I live in, socio-economically. I feel much more relieved than I had ever thought I'd be after just the drat intake appointment. I guess it goes to show you (me) that if you actually make an effort to improve your situation, you might just surprise yourself and get lucky enough to have things go better than you expected. I came very close to not telling them when I set up the appointment over the phone that I was needing help with 'gender identity.' I'm so glad I worked up the courage it took just to say that ahead of time. I still have an innumerable amount of huge challenges, just like I did before yesterday, but just knowing that I have one more major step taken care of is a huge weight off my shoulders, not to mention it just feels drat good to be doing something to improve my situation. edit: jesus i didn't realize how long that post would be tl;dr - went to therapy for the first time for the trans, thought i'd get a poo poo therapist, got an awesome one instead (i think), am happy about it. Guy Montag fucked around with this message at Dec 2, 2011 around 19:51 |
| # ¿ Dec 2, 2011 18:24 |
|
|
Showcase SHODAN posted:I'm starting to realize I enjoy trig. Don't worry. When I started calculus it really made me question myself, but when you begin to find the limits of your patience, you can begin to differentiate your fears from your own feelings and realize the true variable was just a function of self repression. Once you realize just how integral your gender identity is to yourself, you can truly derive satisfaction from life. So a proton walks into a bar...  I think my nose is bleeding.
|
| # ¿ Dec 13, 2011 06:28 |
|
|
onecooldan posted:I have my first Psychiatric appointment on the 22nd. I have to show up at 7:30 AM and wait for one of the clinicians to have a free moment some time before noon. Worth it. Just did this myself, and so far it's working out. Knowing how hard it was to even schedule an appointment, I think you should give yourself immense credit for doing something to improve your situation. It's totally worth it.
|
| # ¿ Dec 14, 2011 03:24 |
|
|
Just popping by to share some great news from my usually backwards state: Anti-Bullying Policy in W.Va. Public Schools now Protects Sexual Orientation [ and Gender Identity ] After a failed attempt to institute a similar policy about 10 years ago, the state board of education has finally approved a policy that explicitly protects students from harassment on the grounds of sexual orientation or gender identity. It may not seem like much, especially to those in places where policies like this are already enshrined in the law. Still, the WV dept. of ed. is one of the biggest employers in our state, and I see this as a huge step toward getting the state government to pass an anti discrimination bill, something that has been in the works the last couple of years.
|
| # ¿ Dec 15, 2011 17:17 |
|
|
A little post holiday update from me. This christmas was the first I've spent with my family in a couple of years. I haven't been seeing my mom more than about every six months or so for a few years, and I haven't seen the rest of my family in about 3 years. I'm out to none of them and I've been in pre/early transition for about a year now, and mostly all I've done is take better care of myself, grow my hair out, etc. Everything went better than expected and we all had a great time, so I came away from it feeling pretty good. When I called my mom a couple days later to talk, near the beginning of our conversation she said something like "it really seems like there's something different about you, and I don't know what, but I do know that it's good. You seem happier than you have in a while, and we got along great." she also later said "you look good, and I like the long hair." When she said that I can't even tell you how happy it made me. She will probably still have a difficult time when I do come out and transition, but I know now for sure that there is hope. 
Guy Montag fucked around with this message at Dec 28, 2011 around 19:31 |
| # ¿ Dec 28, 2011 19:09 |
|
|
Latin Pheonix posted:Ah, this is encouraging to hear, especially since you're pretty much a year from where I am now, and I hope I'll be in the same place you are. You know I hadn't thought of it that way. I mean obviously I was happy to hear that, but just the general perspective looking back on what I've accomplished. It's hard to notice it when it's happening, but looking back on it, I'm already happier and looking/feeling better about myself than I was just a year or 18 months ago. Admittedly I've not done as much as I'd like, but just taking stock of how far I've come is encouraging and reminds me that it is possible to make progress. It also reassures me that one day I will be able to look back again and find that I've fully transitioned, and I can feel accomplished even though at the time it was hard to see the progress being made.
|
| # ¿ Dec 30, 2011 10:21 |
|
|
Lexical Unit posted:You don't have to find a gender specialist. A good therapist is many orders of magnitudes more helpful than a mediocre or poor gender specialist, and usually easier to find. I can't emphasize this point enough. Some kind of therapist is better than none, and there is even a chance you may find someone who will have some experience but doesn't specialize or whatever. You may also want to look at your local universities/colleges and see if their psychology department might know of some resources that aren't well publicized. Worst case scenario is you go through one or two therapists before you find one who can help you. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
|
| # ¿ Jan 12, 2012 21:02 |
|
|
Well, it's been a little while since I've posted, but I have hit a pretty big milestone. Today, I finally actually went out in public, where people could see me! Of course I've blown this moment up out of proportion in my mind in terms of anxieties and general anticipation. I've been really anxious to finally bite the bullet the last few months, and more particularly the last couple of weeks I've made plans a couple of times and then had to cancel for various reasons. This time I put myself in a position where it would be a little easier circumstance to do this. We went to a small venue concert last night, so we stayed the night in a hotel to have somewhere to stumble back to drunkenly and pass out instead of drive. This morning we got packed up, relaxed a little in the room, and had breakfast downstairs (while in tshirt and pants, in dude mode). At this point several staff have seen me and talked with me, so I pretty much know I'll be sort of outed as soon as they see me with my wife. All that being on my mind, and of course the enormous anxiety I felt in general, I did everything I needed to do to get ready (i.e shave, makeup, hair, etc.) and just tried to focus on what I was doing. When it came down to time to walk out the door, I just did what I could to calm down and I visualized myself calmly walking out, down to the elevator, out through the lobby past the front desk, out the doors and into the car. I just tried to remember that if I just keep focused on where I was going and on moving forward, I would manage my way though it no matter what. When we finally walked out the door, I was very relieved that the whole way out we didn't have to walk right past someone, but I know from my peripheral vision that the entire staff definitely saw me. Closest thing to any sort of problem was when a couple burly construction guys of an older vintage got into their truck a few spots down from us in the parking lot, and I'm not sure but I think one clocked me and was giving me a weird look. We got in the car and I was pretty relieved and pleased with myself. We then drove around town a good bit and got fast food a couple places, where I felt like I had to sort of look off, hide behind my long bangs, and stare at my phone even though I was too nervous to even know what I was trying to do with it. Eventually we got home and as soon as I walked in and shut the door I finally let myself relax a bit and I felt so accomplished. Of course ultimately my fears going into it were always larger than life. Going into it I accepted that yes there is a chance of some insults or drinks being thrown at me, but objectively such things are still not guaranteed to happen and in fact things are generally going to be alright for me. Of course I know about all the worst things to worry about but at this point I'm realizing just how much that fear holds me back and serves little protective purpose. Anyways enough tl;dr from me. I went out as myself, and it felt amazing to finally greet the world in a form that truly represents me, and just having the small chance to assert my identity has been very affirming.
|
| # ¿ Feb 18, 2012 04:59 |
|
|
Hey thread I'm about to go to therapy and today I need to decide if I'm going to a new group thing they're putting together for the local trans folk, which just so happens to be right after my session next week. I literally just went out in public as myself the first time last friday, but if I go to this group discussion/support group thing I really really want to go en femme. This would be the first time talking with a stranger as myself. It is scary as all hell and also something I would really prefer over either not going or going in dude mode (ugh). So, um, what do you guys think? Also I'm planning to order breastforms here soon and I'm on a budget, so what are my options looking like? I was looking at the options on ebay and there are a lot of different ones and I have no way to judge what is a good breastform or a bad one. Please any advice on this you girls could offer would be highly appreciated.  Caseus Maximus posted:I'm somewhere between 1 and 2 on the Kinsey scale (if you still consider me a cis man), where my wife is pretty much a 0. I don't know what else can be said other than to reiterate the previous points others brought up. Caseus I just want to give you a hug right now. I feel for you. I wish I had more and better advice but, open and honest communication coupled with patience and empathy will get you where you need to go, both of you.
|
| # ¿ Feb 23, 2012 19:38 |
|
|
Gorean BBQ posted:I get the strong feeling that a lot of those relationships stay intact because either 1) the spouse isn't that straight and has no problem dating a trans person or 2) they've been in the relationship for so long that they cant imagine being single again, especially if they have kids. these usually end up as non-physical emotional relationships. For myself and my wife, it was 100% the first thing. She has always been accepting of her own bisexuality, so for her it was less of a big deal in the intimacy department. That said we have both often thanked our lucky stars that she was not straight to begin with because it definitely would have been an issue.
|
| # ¿ Feb 23, 2012 20:52 |
|
|
Ok, so I posted last thrusday afternoon before my therapy appointment, and between then and when I left I decided to go to the appointment en femme for the first time. I had only just gone out the first time ever in public the week before, so this was a really big step for me, even if it was long coming. To add yet another, bigger, challenge to my roster, I found out there is a trans support group starting up this thursday. Naturally I'm definitely interested, but of course this means I will be meeting a bunch of people I don't know for the first time and basically introducing myself to the (small) local trans community. All this will be on only my third outing while part time. I feel like I'm going a bit fast, even though it all feel fairly organic and not forced or rushed to me. I've often said that I don't want to linger too long on any step, to follow the 'pull off the band aid quickly' example. On another note, I was posting before about getting breastforms, and there was some awesome advice posted about that, but after reading and thinking a bit, it seems like a better option for me might be some kind of combo of pushup+padded/gel bra plus some kind of enhancer/bra stuffer thingy. Problem is of course I have no idea what would be a good combination for this of bra and enahancers. The reason I came to this was I have a slight bust now (not on hormones just yet), maybe a half-A sort of situation. I figure it's likely to just start growing here soon so I might as well not buy breastforms that would probably be a bit ill fitting over what little I have now, and possibly much worse fitting later on. On top of that I think a padded pushup bra and enhancers setup would probably be more comfortable and natural feeling. So, any advice in this department would be really appreciated.
|
| # ¿ Feb 29, 2012 08:14 |
|
|
Lexical Unit posted:Personally I would spend less time from the opening of the letter to the part where you say that you're transgender. I've found that just getting straight to the point is the best way to break this kind of news to people, otherwise you'll cause them momentary but undue worry or confusion. I'd also put less emphasis on the idea that your whole life up to this point has been a total facade because I think it will scare people into thinking that they're going to be losing you as a friend. I forgot to mention earlier, but I am going to be coming out to my two very close friends in the next couple of weeks (and also at the same time going part time around time an asking them to use appropriate name and pronouns). Your and quiggy's letters have really helped me sort out the way I want to approrach telling them all this stuff. I'm a little worried about scaring them so I was thinking I would emphasize that I'm not changing as a person, but that I'm letting go of the trappings of the male gender that have always been so artificial and forced, and simply embracing the woman I am. Quiggy when I read your letter I imagined that some of my friends receiving a similar letter might get scared by the first part about a facade, etc. It seems to me you want to let them know that you've been forcing yourself to act male which is very good thing to point out to them, but by dragging out the 'reveal' so to speak it puts some suspense in the reader, which you may not be going for.
|
| # ¿ Feb 29, 2012 18:55 |
|
|
There is a direct, albeit not exact, analogy between trans people's situation regarding bathroom and dressing room access (for example), and some aspects of segregation. For a long time a black person could not be served at a lunch counter or use certain bathrooms, and similarly today we have attitudes, policies, and even laws preventing trans people using the bathroom or dressing room. The strategy that worked during the civil rights movement that eventually tore down those laws, was one of nonviolent resistance and activisim designed to bring attention to the problem. This included both high profile protests and sit-ins at lunch counters and on buses for example, but also much smaller scale individual actions such as simply daring to use a white only drinking fountain. When people stood up en masse and stood their ground eventually society took the hint and realized that the movement held the moral high ground. The lesson I've drawn from history is that you can never defeat bigotry and violence with any kind of violent speech or action. It seems the most effective strategy is to stand your ground, and walk boldly where others would try to deny you and continue to do so until it is no longer an issue. If large numbers of people do likewise then things will very slowly and gradually improve. Either giving in to their 'rules' or fighting back with aggression will not work so all we are left with is to project confidence and move forward.
|
| # ¿ Feb 29, 2012 23:04 |
|
|
Mudlark posted:Well, I have an appointment with my university's counseling center about my trans-possibility (or whatever you want to call it?) set up. First time I'll ever be seeing someone about it. I know just how you feel, I started therapy back in November sometime, and it was really scary at first but at this point I look forward to it (mostly). On another note, I just came out to the first two people ever, my very close friends. I was sooo nervous going in there, so among other things I had to psyche myself up. For the first couple of hours we were chatting as they were finishing cleaning around the house and cooking, and I was just desperate for the moment to come when we were finally all sitting down and done eating dinnner. When it came down the big moment, they were only a little shocked, as they both suspected something was up (partially by my own design). They said so many very supportive things, like we love you no matter what, I love you like a sister (whereas it was like a brother before) It really made me feel good, although it's still sort of sinking in. The best part though is the total relief of not having to keep this from them anymore.Tonight will be their first night hanging out with me en femme.
|
| # ¿ Mar 8, 2012 17:59 |
|
|
postscript posted:My brother on the other hand is totally cool. It's nice to hang around someone and see the dynamic not change after coming out. I just got back from hanging out with my best friends for the first time after coming out. They were extremely cool about it and as you put it, the dynamic didn't change at all, and it was really reassuring and awesome. Also I noticed today that after coming out to them it has really boosted my confidence a lot. Gonna help everyone wear this smilie out
|
| # ¿ Mar 9, 2012 06:19 |
|
|
Well today is going to be first meeting of the first trans support group in our community. I'm looking forward to it and meeting other people dealing with this same stuff, albeit a bit nervous due in part to some of the group horror stories from this thread. I did get a chance to meet the group coordinator and a couple of the people who will be attending, and I'm already excited to get to know them better since they seem pretty cool. Apparently there will only be one FtM member of the group, and he seemed kinda bummed to hear that. This group is forming on a college campus but I did hear that one of the half dozen or so people going is someone who transitioned in her 50's, and there will be one or two folks from out in the country so it should be a pretty diverse group. Anyways I'll try and post a trip report when I get back. Wish me luck.
|
| # ¿ Mar 12, 2012 19:28 |
|
|
quiggy posted:Woo, panel tonight to discuss sex in the LGBT community. I'm the trans representative soI get to go in front of a whole bunch of strangers and talk about how much I hate my penis and how hormones changed my sex drive! I suffer plenty from anxiety issues, so I can definitely relate. I realize nothing I simply say can make you less nervous, but try to think of why you're there and focus on that. Doing something like that is incredibly brave and helpful to the community. I think it would all be worth it if you help just one person in that audience to either come to terms with themselves a little more, or to help them understand better a trans person's experience. Changing just one person's mind a little bit can make a huge difference. it's ok 
|
| # ¿ Mar 12, 2012 19:50 |
|
|
Well, the support group was very interesting. There were about half a dozen people there, the plurality of which were about my age (20's), with the rest of the group being older folks who also transitioned later in life, so there was a nice diversity of experiences and perspectives. I learned a couple of very interesting facts about my local community, and it felt good to talk about stuff and everyone know where I was coming from. There was such a contrast between the beginning of the meeting and the last. Since this was the first meeting, everyone was very shy for the first probably 10 minutes, but by the end we had run over 15 minutes and we had a hard time finding a place to end. quiggy posted:Panel actually went really, really well. My girlfriend was also on the panel, so I got emotional support from her. Plus most of the questions were actually very thoughtful and interesting, and everybody was super respectful of my identity. Also it was mainly about LGB folks, so I wasn't exactly the focus, but hey. It went great That is super awesome. In retrospect, that kind of event would usually be one of the most accepting social situations since basically everyone there has some interest in or connection with the LGBT community/issues. Just being there was very courageous of you.
|
| # ¿ Mar 13, 2012 02:26 |
|
|
Cherrywood posted:is the decrease in muscle mass enough to merit a 'fair contest' against biological women? are there not other factors that might give a trans woman an advantage physically? If I'm not mistaken, the Olympic committee has had to answer that question already, and the conclusion they reached after a lot of study and consulting with medical experts they found there was a specific period of time (iirc about 2 years) after which the effects of testosterone on muscle mass would have been entirely reversed. Other than that there is nothing in a trans womans anatomy that would grant her any advantage, for example there are plenty of tall broad shoulders cis female athletes as it is.
|
| # ¿ Mar 15, 2012 21:37 |
|
|
Cherrywood posted:yeah I'd read about this, just thinking about skeletal differences IE the pelvis that would possibly promote more mobility. Also possibly neurological differences? I've not found much information about the matter. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough. This is pure speculation on my part, but it seems to me that most other differences are probably going to be relatively minor, given that among both cis men and women there is a great deal of variability in exact dimensions and bone structure, so whatever 2-3 cm differences there might be in spacing or size would probably occur in some nontrivial sample of the population of cis people, a statistical distribution that likely completely or nearly completely overlaps with trans women. I would be really interested to see some detailed research on this but it seems like most of whats out there is just speculation by experts based on some small sampling of data.
|
| # ¿ Mar 16, 2012 01:28 |
|
|
Tweek posted:Being transgender is hard. It seems to me you are under precisely zero obligation to inform them that you are trans, either before or after hiring you. Arguably, because it is a protected class and that information should have no bearing on a hiring or firing decision, it has no relevance to the employer. Also offering you a job and then reconsidering after finding out is probably a form of discrimination they could get their wrist slapped for also.
|
| # ¿ May 8, 2012 19:43 |
|
|
Kiwi Ghost Chips posted:There's a big difference between ~legal abilty~ and doing what you need to to get a better paycheck. I am going to be in a similar position in the near future, getting a new job in early transition. It seems to me I have few choices and they all have a down side, and it seems to me the least problematic is to apply male (my current legal name and gender), hopefully receive the postion, then disclose to them that I will be presenting female, etc. The way I see it, I can apply openly as a trans person (and probably not get the job), or apply presenting male and then disclose and if necessary fight to keep the job. It seems to me I either have to try and fight to get a job (where I have no recourse), or fight to keep one (where I have several options). I see a strong parallel to someone with a disability applying for a new job (obviously being trans and being disabled are not equivalent). If a person who had a non obvious disability (perhaps one of a personal nature) and required accommodation to do their job were to disclose before hiring they are unnecessarily giving the potential employer an opportunity to discriminate with no way to confirm or take corrective action should it occur. This happens all the time with limited legal issue. What makes this example even more illustrative is that in the case of a disability an accommodation usually must be made (wheelchair ramp, etc.) usually requiring an expense or workaround by the employer, whereas with a trans employee there is no additional cost to the employer.
|
| # ¿ May 8, 2012 20:03 |
|
|
onecooldan posted:I was trying on a suit for my friends' wedding. It was one of those wide open dressing rooms, so like anyone else I just walked in, put my clothes on the rack, and got the items ready to try on. A wild attendant appeared, and told me that the the dressing room was for women only. I just turned to her and said, "I am". She offered me a private room and I took it. No drama, problem solved, I got a great suit. Thank you for posting the letter, it was very sweet. You posted this right when I needed to read something like that, as I will be coming out to my family in the next couple of weeks. I needed to hear something positive like that just now and I really appreciate you sharing that. It seems like in your case that coming out might help bring you closer as family, and I can't help but hope for something similar. It seems really odd to me to think that there could ever be an actual improvement to a relationship after coming out. I suppose that comes from years of fearing it so much, and not any realistic assessment of the possibilities. e: also the other day I had to come out to some friends who I haven't seen in a couple months, and it was all very last minute didn't know I'd be seeing them that night, etc. The weird thing was they had very little reaction, like no significant suprise or questions even. It was on the same level as if I told them I was getting a new TV or that I was painting my bedroom or something. I mean I'm glad they didn't react negatively, so no complaints on that, but I find it odd they took it so casually. Guy Montag fucked around with this message at May 30, 2012 around 07:14 |
| # ¿ May 30, 2012 07:11 |
|
|
Hateful crap like was just posted upthread makes me feel pity for the small minded bitter person who writes it. Did it make you feel better to go insult all the internet trannies? Here's a newsflash for you, we all hear and see hateful poo poo constantly, and unlike you we are used to it, you cissexist gently caress. For the record, your comments have only made me more bound and determined to live out and proud and thumb my nose at bigots like you. I have been out to my wife for two years now, and she has been more supportive than anyone. Because we have actual communication and trust in our relationship we have had zero problems with my transition. Our existence should be a daily reminder that your conception of the deceptive tranny is not only incorrect, I disprove it as a rule. I'm sorry you had a crap relationship, everyone has them, but you need to recognize that you are blaming a whole class of people for the actions of one. Of course you will never realize this. If your goal in posting here was to discourage or dissuade me and others like me, then you have not only failed you have given me yet another motivation to stand tall and speak up, louder than ever. If by merely existing I upset you so much, then by continuing to do so I win. Every loving day.
|
| # ¿ Jun 6, 2012 17:52 |
|
|
onecooldan posted:Well written, but have you considered the facts? She makes more money than her therapist, so she's obviously more qualified to diagnose herself and her situation; she has cancer and she doesn't make a big deal about it; You can Google the situation, so you know it had to be big and important. Its obvious to me that this person is faultless and that her relationship must have been the paragon of relationships, but her stupid spouse had to throw it all away. Oh my what have I done!? I'm so sorry, I didn't realize she was such big poo poo, what with google internet fame and all. And clearly I didn't see the part about how she has more money than me, obviously I would never talk down to my economic betters! On top of all that, having cancer means I have no right to disagree or criticize either! I mean the trans woman I know with cancer, who can't breathe without oxygen at all times, is clearly suffering so much less than this poster. </sarc> I also find it hilarious that she posted how obviously none of us has ever spent a week in the hospital, how could we know her pain, etc. I mean I've been that long in hospital on two occasions, and I'm sure anyone else who's been around long enough has the same stories.
|
| # ¿ Jun 6, 2012 18:14 |
|
|
Well thread, first I want to thank you all for helping me get to where I am today, because without this thread it may have taken me much longer to figure stuff out. Second, I am coming out to my family this Saturday. It's been two years since I came out to myself and my wife as possibly trans, and after spending most of that time being introspective and trying to be sure (read: being depressed and scared), I am finally ready to go full time. I went part time a few months ago, and it's to the point now where not being out is hindering me in being able to go about town and do regular stuff without someone finding out. Not to mention, keeping this from people I care about is eating away at me more than I ever thought it would. On top of all that the dysphoria from presenting male around them is incredibly unbearable and it makes it hard to appreciate my time with them. It's to the point that I just can't keep it from them anymore. So I plan to come out simultaneously to my mom, uncle, aunt, and grandmother, both to save time and because gently caress it I want this over with. Anyway I'm planning on talking with them first, and in addition I plan to give them a brief letter (maybe). The plan is to go visit Saturday, come out that afternoon and let them know I'm going full time, and stay the night in a nearby hotel and show up the next day presenting female. I will also be giving them copies of an excellent resource document I'm pretty sure I got because of this thread. (thank you to whoever posted this originally) I recently tried to find a copy posted online and could not, and it appears the group that published it no longer offers it, so I hope everyone here can share it around if you like it: http://www.scribd.com/doc/97830434/...ion-CTYS-080608 (about 40 pages, 25-30MB filesize) It's titled Families in TRANSition: A Resource Guide for Parents of Trans Youth, and was published by a group out of Toronto. It's written to parents of adolescents and young adults but for the most part applies to everyone with parents. It's written from a neutral perspective and sort of hand-holds the parent through explanations of what Trans is and how they can be helpful/supportive. The resources in the back are outdated and not so great, and many are Canada specific. Also there is a page that defines the terms Transgender and Transsexual and it goes with the nomenclature where transgender means everything but medical transition (hrt, etc.) and identifies it more with those who are gender nonconforming. I use the terms a bit differently and I know some others do as well so if you use this document I recommend a note on that page.
|
| # ¿ Jun 21, 2012 17:36 |
|
|
Well, I came out to family last night and it went as well as it possibly could! I'll post a detailed trip report later when I can use a real keyboard, but I can't think of more than one or two things that were even remotely negative. It feels liberating to finally be out.
|
| # ¿ Jun 24, 2012 12:46 |
|
|
First a quick trip report on coming out to my family. I started off telling them about my depression and whatnot getting better, something they've known of for several years now. I also emphasized how much they've pointed out those improvements, and I made a point of saying that what I was about to tell them about was the main reason I've been able to improve so much. I told them I was transgender, explained the difference between gender and physical sex, and I told them about my transition. They all took it remarkably well, including my mother and my 82 year old grandmother with mild alzheimers, who was completely able to understand. I heard a lot of the same things you always do: "this makes a lot of sense looking back on things" "we don't care as long as you're happy", etc. They even immediately began trying to gender me properly (name/pronouns). It went so much better than I expected it kind of has taken me a couple of days to realize it and start feeling good about it. The best part is relating to the fact that my birthday is about a week after the day I came out, and the situation with the cake. My aunt had spoken with my wife ahead of time about the cake, and asked her if it was ok to get writing on it, and my wife tried to tell her that it didnt' need to say "Happy Birthday Dudename," just "Happy Birthday." After I came out my aunt realized suddenly, "oh that's why!" and everyone had a big belly laugh like I've not seen in years. Then, when it came time to serve the cake my uncle insisted I should first go over and scrape off the name with a spatula. It ended up feeling very oddly symbolic and ritualistic. Then, when it was time to blow the candles out they sang happy birthday to me with my new name, and it was overwhelming how good it felt. Interestingly enough the next step for me in transition is to begin banking sperm, since my wife and I do want to have kids someday. The hard part is in my area there are only a couple of hospitals that offer fertility clinics, and after asking around a little there aren't any transwomen who can tell me if they've had good or bad experiences there. Fortunately my therapist is a badass and is calling around to see if they have any experience with and/or a policy/training that addresses transgender patients. I have a lot of anxieties about some self righteous rear end in a top hat 'losing' my sample or some other ridiculously unlikely thing, so it's important I find a place that works. On top of that we're poor as gently caress and apparently costs for these things varies a bit so it might be beneficial to 'shop around' so to speak. On the issue of pre-natal screening for the trans, I've thought a lot about this and it is just as Dessert Rose put it, the vast majority of the difficulty of being trans is due to social bullshit. The comparison to diabetes for example is somewhat apt in that if screened for and treated early the negative effects can be greatly minimized. Along those lines, here is a bit of a thought experiment for you. Lets say that some day, eventually scientific research will be able to tell us exactly how it is that trans children come to be (and for that matter, how gay/lesbian/bi children come to be). When this happens it likely won't be long until someone determines a way to prevent whatever that mechanism is from occurring. So, in the near or distant future it will probably be possible to either genetically screen for, or hormonally prevent, LGBT children from being possible. How do you feel about this, thread? Should parents be able to choose not to have an LGBT child?
|
| # ¿ Jun 27, 2012 00:19 |
|
|
Nick at Nite posted:Don't really feel that's a decision I'm qualified to be making. I think that the social issues are the, well, main problem with being any of these things. They're externals I would like to think, while we're in the realm of the hypothetical, we are capable of dealing with. I intentionally left abortion out of my question, since I'm envisioning a technology that involves either or both genetic screening or retroviral gene therapy, and some sort of hormone treatments. Sir Quetzal posted:It is incredibly odd to group LGB individuals with T individuals. Being LGB is not a disability; it does not require lifelong medical treatment. Meanwhile, medical transition does. I often find it odd to group trans people with the LGB, even if it is sometimes useful or convenient, it can overall be excluding of trans people in some ways. My only reason for grouping in the LGB with the T in this scenario is the limited research in the areas of causes of transgenderism and sexual orientations indicates basically the same type of biological cause. In other words genetics and conditions in-utero seem to be the forces at play on both gender identity and sexual orientation. Of course choosing not to have kids for those reasons makes lots of sense, and no-one should judge you for it. Loretta Trampface posted:If somebody literally thinks their life is so worthless because they are trans that they think they shouldn't have been born, that is their own problem to work through. Projecting that on to everybody else is just being an rear end in a top hat. Not everybody thinks their life is horrible because they are trans. I can understand why other trans people think sometimes they wish they had never been born, in fact I probably thought that at one time. Even so, at the time I was able to recognize that thought as incredibly self-destructive and a big red flag for serious depression. Having inadequately or untreated gender dysphoria can be incredibly painful, but so can many other conditions and it is no more rational for those people to be advocating eugenics to wipe out those who suffer similarly. Captain Drumline posted:I sort of wrote off having kids for a while because of my old thinking but I'm starting to reconsider now. Thanks everyone! This is exactly how it has been for me. For years I could never really get excited about maybe having kids some day, but a few months ago I started to be able to envision myself as a mother, and ever since I've known that it is very likely in the cards for me down the line. Dessert Rose posted:Absolutely the worst part of being trans for me has been the social aspect. Now that I'm mostly through that bit, I can say I'd rather be trans than have diabetes. This right here. If we were to screen out for those who are trans, en masse as a society, I think the world would lose something if after that generation there were no/few trans people. I've personally said many similar things to your post, including that I may not have been as empathetic a person had I not suffered through gender dysphoria. Karma Monkey posted:
They are awesome, aren't they? I think I'm only just now figuring that out. :facepalm: Funny how you can build something up (coming out) as this big terrible thing for so many years.
|
| # ¿ Jun 27, 2012 15:44 |
|
|
Dessert Rose posted:Oh, definitely. I left that out, but, I used to be a loving awful person. I had no empathy, I was hardcore libertarian bootstraps if you can't afford insurance you don't deserve to live affirmative action is reverse discrimination etc etc. You make a good point that there is a physical aspect for trans people that is not there for the LGB folks, and yes that does change how we should consider things. Going to your example of diabetes, of course we would love to prevent anyone from ever having diabetes; there are no (or few) redeeming values in being unable to process sugars, nor the process of discovering this ailment and treating it. However, unlike diabetes, being trans does have more to it than a simple disability or dysphoria from which one suffers. You yourself pointed out that being trans made you a better person, I've found the same to be true for me, and I'm sure this is the experience of many others (certainly not all). I'm all for fixing the issue of gender dysphoria, as you put it, but what bothers me is if we routinely screen for and prevent this condition from existing, then we are removing trans people and their experiences from society. If we prevented all diabetics from being afflicted, I have a hard time imagining we would have a reduced understanding of... what? If we remove trans people from society, going forward we would lose all the personal growth and unique perspectives the trans experience gives us. We can try to separate out individual decisions of parents from broad eugenics policies that impose it on everyone, but ultimately simply being able to choose if your child might be trans changes the very nature of what it means to be gender variant. In a way it legitimizes those who would argue it is a choice, instead in this scenario the choice is made by the parents and they can point to all those who chose not to 'let this happen' to their child as somehow superior parents. In that situation it is hard to imagine how much social pressure there would be to screen, and how much additional social stigma there could be from just being trans when in that future everyone knows it was because your parents were either ideologically inclined, or financially unable to screen it out.
|
| # ¿ Jun 27, 2012 19:34 |
|
|
She Zoomer posted:For me, I think it was seeing friends, family and fellow trans women becoming mothers. There definitely was something in my head (and I certainly don't think this experience is universal) that said "yes, that is right. That is what I want to do". Thinking of myself as a mother rather than as a parent changed my perspective. Seeing our best friends raising a baby made me start thinking about it again in earnest, but what really kicked in the 'ole biological clock so to speak was watching home movies of my wife in preschool kindergarten age. Suddenly I just could see myself and my wife with a little boy or girl like that, and maybe just maybe I could be a decent mother. Dessert Rose posted:Being trans made me a better person because I was more able to understand privilege and myself. I was reforged through the fires of transition. It was the hardship that offered that perspective; hardship which only exists due to social stigma. I disagree that hardship is the only unique aspect of the trans experience, and you yourself made my point in your hypothetical. Even in a society where coming out would be treated nonchalantly (which by the way would likely only be the case because trans people already existed and fought for change), the trans individual would still have had to come to terms with the fact that they are trans in the first place. Even if the social hardship is taken away, we are still left with some level of physical dysphoria to deal with, and that is definitely going to impact someone's worldview. That process of coming to know one's self and discovering how one fits into a broader social role is a critical part of developing a sense of self and sense of purpose. The trans person's journey of self discovery, in any social context, is unique. As you say take away the stigma and we are left with medical treatments, and since those are effective and proven, and in this scenario society is less of an rear end in a top hat, we would only stand to lose something if we take trans people out of society altogether. Karma Monkey posted:I like the wording - concise, to the point, and simple. It's perfect exactly for the reasons you gave. It normalizes it and seems on par with a name change due to marriage or divorce, as opposed to being some here's-my-life-story Jerry Springer thing. Kudos to your boss, or whomever composed the message. And congrats on things going so well! That really cheered me up. This is exactly my reaction seeing that email. It kind of reminded me of something I said once and should probably remember to go by: in these situations of coming out and whatnot, it's always best to approach it as if everyone will treat it as not a big deal and perfectly acceptable, despite knowing that there are those who do not see it this way. It seems to me that if you act as if we already live in a society that is 100% understanding and accepting of trans people, then by setting a positive expectation and not being defensive you allow the maximum number of people to react positively while those who were always going to be assholes will know to keep their mouth shut because apparently this is not as big of a deal as they think it is, and social pressure should encourage them not to rock the boat.
|
| # ¿ Jun 28, 2012 04:02 |
|
|
RumbleFish posted:The most shocking part of my coming out at work is how many people seem to know another trans person -- and, in some cases, have had experiences with a few throughout their lives. I came out as both trans and a lesbian, and it was only after nearly three decades that my family finally decided to tell me my aunt was also gay, and came out to them years and years ago. I mean it really would have been nice to know before the day I came out. And this is just a layer on top of hearing over christmas that my grandmother's sister and her daughter were both lesbians as well. On top of that my wife and I have an acquaintance that is trans, who she just happened to meet shortly before I came out to her. It really seems like once you start looking around you'll begin to see just how many of us there are.
|
| # ¿ Jun 29, 2012 03:53 |
|
|
Dessert Rose posted:I didn't say hardship was the only unique aspect. I said that hardship is the common aspect, that is, any other hardship would do. What I meant is that hardship is the aspect of being trans that causes one to change, to understand the world and themselves on a deeper level. I had misread your argument I think, I should not have implied you were understating or leaving out dysphoria as an element, and I myself did not give due consideration to that aspect. In the abstract, I agree that to withhold a treatment that would prevent suffering (dysphoria) is inhumane. Coming at the argument from that direction makes it a very clean ethical line: if this action increases suffering in the world, don't do it. If it decreases suffering, do so. This has always been my general rule in the area of bioethics, but with this issue it does get a bit more complicated. I started thinking of this issue from a different perspective entirely, namely looking at the extreme end of consequence should a certain scenario play out. Imagine that screening for and prevention of gender dysphoria were possible in the near future, and that after a couple generations it became so routine (or required), that eventually there would be a generation that does not include any transgender people. Of course this is an extreme (perhaps unlikely) future, but as a hypothetical outcome it does not sit right with me. I envision a day when the last trans person dies, and we as a society I think would be diminished from their lack. Of course history and science would remember the era before being trans was gone from the world, but we all know history's view of things can be/is twisted warped and often plain forgotten. That said, reading your thoughts on the subject has led me to a more nuanced position (i.e. I'm not sure anymore), and led me to apply my own experience with dysphoria to the ethical questions. I would not wish my dysphoria on anyone, but I can't so easily say that no-one ever again should be so afflicted, it feels like too big a leap for me. To some extent I have a bias on this because it seems important to me to come to terms with my dysphoria as not an affliction so much as a condition of being, and perhaps this is a coping mechanism based in wishful thinking.
|
| # ¿ Jun 29, 2012 19:07 |
|
|
I went full time back in February, and since then I've been making a lot of progress, even despite no hormones or hair removal as of yet (only a money issue). The biggest problem for me has been guilt and fear about being out, and also about being seen and people finding out from someone other than me. So I came out to my family at the end of June (Mom, uncle, grandmother), and of course they had their questions and concerns, but they were supportive from the beginning and have accepted me. My Mom even is trying hard to use the new name and pronouns, which is more than I hoped for. My in-laws, they are a different story. My father in law has always been rather conservative, and despite occasionally demonstrating an ability to learn new information and change his opinions, he is essentially a Rush Limbaugh listening drat-near biblical literalist. I've told the story here before, but the one time we ever got into a very heated argument (i.e. yelling match) he proceeded to declare his pride in having had a grandfather in the original Klan. I should mention the conversation was originally about how I was lazy for being depressed and not having a job yet (this was 4 years ago). I want to be able to go to the grocery store with my wife, and she wants to be able to not misgender me to everyone she talks to, so we are coming out to everyone including her job (a public school) and her parents. We decided to give them the space to react however they will, and also to protect ourselves from verbal harassment, so we gave them a detailed letter (4-5 pages) from me, a page from her, a letter from my therapist with my diagnosis and recommended treatment, as well as a great booklet called Families in TRANSition. We gave them this packet Saturday evening, and here we are 4 days later, and barely a word from them. My wife saw her Mom briefly at work on both Monday and Tuesday. Monday, my mother-in-law said they received the packet and read it, my wife asked her to call us, and she said OK. Yesterday she saw her again, and she barely said hi, and then when my wife asked her to call she just looked at her all frazzled and threw her hands in the air. I can deal with them needing some time to process, I get that, but what I can't stand is the incredibly disrespectful silence. I mean at least they could call and say 3-4 words like "I need time" or "I hate you gently caress off" or "I'm ok with this" or "this is weird." I know how to deal with those responses, but no response is all, especially considering I've basically bared my soul to them and have torn away the veil of deception and am being honest with them. It seems at least common loving courtesy to at least tell me what's up or something. Arrrgh. Anyways trans thread, what have you done in this situation?
|
| # ¿ Aug 15, 2012 16:03 |
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 24, 2013 17:05 |
|
|
quiggy posted:It's a rash. Started on my stomach, spread slowly to pretty much everywhere else. My GP and a dermatologist were completely useless in helping me, so I'm hoping the doctor overseeing my transition has better luck. Obviously your doctor knows more about it than I do, but have you/they considered an allergic reaction to something in your meds other than the active ingredient? Apparently drug reactions like yours tend to happen not because of the active ingredient but from some kind of filler/dye or whatnot in the pills. The upshot here being that if this is the case, then simply trying a different version (i.e. in a different form like liquid vs solid, or from a different manufacturer) of the same medication could resolve the issue. edit: While I'm here, I realize I've not posted an update on my situation in a while. Last time I posted I was about to come out to my in laws, or just had I can't recall. In brief, they have been pretty uncool about it. My wife and I have been basically cut off from nearly all communication, save for a couple of notes, one of which compared me to a story of a trans woman cheating on her wife because she just wanted the dick so bad (I'm gay so there is no way, plus adultery is not my thing), and the other compared me to the trans woman in jail in Massachusetts seeking SRS, with the implication that my wife should leave me before I murder her so I can get free SRS. Yeah. Guy Montag fucked around with this message at Oct 16, 2012 around 04:49 |
| # ¿ Oct 16, 2012 04:46 |
|
