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lorn Wayne
Jan 7, 2006

Take your, heh, SHOT at world domination

After dwelling on it for a little while, I've finally decided to take the plunge and perfect a recipe for Dark Chocolate. I was wondering if the GWS crowd had any tips on what to add to my chocolate, and any potential tweaks to the recipe would be great.

I've even set up a little company and put in the recipe details to entice people to buy it and fund my ongoing efforts!



The heavenly dessert with a trademark bitter aftertaste and numerous health benefits, dark chocolate has found its way into the palates and hearts of millions. But at Dark-O-Late, we go that extra mile by infusing our chocolate bars with more than just sugar, butter and affordable labour.

The Base Ingredients


Our cocoa workers aim to please

We start with pure dark chocolate, made from the finest Ghanaian cocoa beans. Many other companies these days opt for ‘fair-trade’ chocolate made by workers who are paid a higher wage. We set ourselves apart by not participating in this scheme, since we believe in quality and trust that the free market will adequately reward these workers if their chocolate is delicious!


Our bees aim to please

Then we add our healthy sweetener - honey. While pesticides are being publically blamed for the recent 'mass extinction event’ of honeybees, you will be pleased to hear that this decrease in their population is actually due to our collection efforts. We have captured and nurtured honeybees in our loving Level 3 industrial treatment facilities for years, all to serve you, the ardent chocolate-lover.


Our mercenaries have perfect aim

Finally, this rich base is seasoned with a bounty of mixed nuts - cashews, macadamia, almonds, brazil nuts and walnuts all make the cut! These ingredients are sourced using the same standards as our cocoa, with workers lovingly watched over by our ‘fun-mercenary’ (funcenary) teams.

Once these ingredients are mixed together in just the right quantities (our secret!) and hardened, our trademark chocolate bars are made!

Oh but hang on…

Where are our manners? We’ve left out the most exciting part of our recipe! One more special ingredient is added before the hardening process, giving our bars an irresistible edge.

SF-8999


Our version of 'Green Energy'!

We managed to synthesize a wonderful and safe new additive that gives our bars that extra zing! By adding a mere 100ml of SF-8999 (nicknamed SUPER FUN 8999 by our lovely cooks) to each large batch, our chocolate bars possess the following qualities:

  • A caffeine-like boost without the addictiveness
  • Positive mood-altering effects

Some media sources have also affectionately nicknamed this chemical the ‘mind-control drug’. Hilariously, one newspaper even stated that the actions of those who consume the chemical can be controlled by an outside source with specific radio signal frequencies. How funny is that?

By coincidence, some people who have eaten our chocolate bars have gone on to attack the offices of our competitors, left-leaning politicians and ex-employees who have attempted to slander our good name. We assure you that the only ‘control’ we could possibly exert over you comes from brand loyalty!

In fact, we argue that those unfortunate events were carried out by normal customers who weren't brainwashed, but loved our chocolate bars SO MUCH that they simply had to attack our opponents.

So anyway, I'd love more information on what you would add to the recipe.

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Sjurygg
Nov 7, 2008



Sjurygg
Nov 7, 2008



I mean, what the gently caress was I supposed to say?

lorn Wayne
Jan 7, 2006

Take your, heh, SHOT at world domination

Sjurygg posted:

I mean, what the gently caress was I supposed to say?

To be frank, I was expecting a suggestion on whether to add raisins/sultanas.

I like turtles
Aug 6, 2009

"Wouldn't want to see an angry turtle with a gun, would ya? "

Well...


So is this how you're advertising your kindle book?

A Rambling Vagrant
Sep 2, 2007

I took a walk. And threw up in an English garden.

I can't tell if this is bad viral marketing or bad satire or what, but ugh.

Sjurygg
Nov 7, 2008



lorn Wayne posted:

To be frank, I was expecting a suggestion on whether to add raisins/sultanas.

Currants, soaked overnight in Hungarian fütyülös barack (fewt-yew-leush bah-ratsk), a delicious honey apricot brandy. That and toasted, shelled hazelnuts.

Flash Gordon Ramsay
Sep 28, 2004



I don't know what you're doing here, but I'm confident it sucks.

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bartolimu
Nov 25, 2002

All the world is blue and there's nothing I can do...

Flash Gordon Ramsay posted:

I don't know what you're doing here, but I'm confident it sucks.

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