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Mr Interweb
Aug 25, 2004

Official Something Awful Peanut Gallery

So I was reading this (fairly old) article from the fine folks at Cracked: 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a man with your bare hands. The list:

1. Krav Maga


2. Kali/Eskrima

quote:


3. Silat

[quote]Many martial arts gurus cite spiritual enlightenment and a quest of self-perfection as the goal of their study, but not silat. Early silat masters developed their martial art solely for the purpose of beating the piss out of invaders. The style is typically marked with a lightning quick attack style designed to close on your opponent as quickly as possible, beat the hell out of him within 10 seconds, then finish him with a hammer blow to the face, throat, or kidney.

The honor and fairness are thrown out the window in favor of fighting dirty and exploiting weakness. They even encourage nut shots. As a counter, all silat students are put through a training regimen that involves having people break bricks on your ribs and bend iron bars around your neck to build up pain tolerance.

4. Marine Corps Martial Arts Program

5. Muay Thai

quote:

The most awesome story from Muay Thai comes from 1774 Burma, after the Burmese had taken Thailand (then called Siam). Nai Khanom Tom, a practitioner of Muay Thai was brought into the fighting ring so the king could see how it stood up against Lethwei, the Burmese martial art. Ten seconds into the opening match, his opponent resembled a pile of lumpy mashed potatoes and was likely crying like a little girl, right up until he got knocked the hell out by a flying knee.

However, the judge ruled that his pre-fight dance had "distracted" his opponent and overturned the knockout. Being the gentleman he was, Tom fought another nine Lethwei masters in a row with no rest until everybody stupid enough to step into the ring with him was quivering in a pool of blood, urine, and shame.


6. Sambo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isFW...player_embedded!

I have some doubts about the positions of some of these, like Eskrima and Muay Thai being so high up the list, but then again, I don't know dick about martial arts (trying to start, though!). So I am curious, aren't there other martial arts that are far deadlier, and far more brutal than (at least some) of the ones listed here? Aikido? Hapkido? Pancration? Wing chun kung fu? Something that inflicts maximum damage with minimal effort?


And yes, I used the science tag since fighting is technically a science.

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nippythefish
Nov 20, 2007


Clearly Tae Bo belongs on that list.

Ddraig
Sep 5, 2005

Sits with a full house

Shaq Fu

Metamucil
May 9, 2011


Ninjutsu is the most brutal martial art.

Forward_Bee
May 30, 2011

I have no idea.


Cupid Shuffle. Have you ever seen the damage it can do at midwestern sock hops?

Alternative pants
Nov 2, 2009

WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.

What about underwater basket weaving fist?

jackyl
Jun 1, 2000


This study is pointless if it isn't measured in some common criteria, like the amount of 5 year olds a practitioner could reasonably expect to take on.

Awesome Welles
Nov 1, 2010


Hokuto Shinken

Morricone
Jul 7, 2005


jackyl posted:

This study is pointless if it isn't measured in some common criteria, like the amount of 5 year olds a practitioner could reasonably expect to take on.

Grizzlybears I tell you!!!

zombiefarmer
Apr 27, 2010

Brains are part of a healthy diet.

The correct answer is Kosho
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTqAfJYWe58

Learn this style and you'll be invincible.

kyuss
Nov 6, 2004



Grow up manchild.

Omnicarus
Jan 16, 2006



Gun fighting.

nippythefish
Nov 20, 2007


jackyl posted:

This study is pointless if it isn't measured in some common criteria, like the amount of 5 year olds a practitioner could reasonably expect to take on.

Wrong. Clearly, Cracked posters are experts on anything rated in order with a number system.

Bloodfart McCoy
Jul 20, 2007

We have such sights to show you. Come with us. Taste our pleasures.



Mortal Kombat Style! Obviously!

Tamagod Sushi
Oct 26, 2009

One Bad Muthapaca

Whatever Jackie Chan does with a Ladder and Jacket

Nissir
Apr 23, 2007
Man with no Title

You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called FA-QUE! It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.

Lunixnerd
Oct 25, 2010


I did Aikido for about 3 years, like a decade ago and it was lots of fun and I am able to defend myself from and immobilize my 7 year old without harming him. Its pretty much the best martial art for rough-housing with your kids.

So if we do the math...

Kids are pretty brutal so any martial art that works against them is bound to be the most brutal.

Madcosby
Mar 4, 2003

Jinkies!


Karate, Tues & Thursday 6pm-8pm YMCA

FogHelmut
Dec 18, 2003

Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.


Professional Wrestling. If it wasn't effective, they wouldn't be paid professionals.

seal clubber
Jun 3, 2006


Swinging baseball bats

Shimrra Jamaane
Aug 9, 2007


Don't ever count out Touchdown Tom.


Street Sword

Very Strange Things
May 21, 2008


Thermonuclear Warfare or Zumbaeira -the fighting form of Zumba.

seal clubber posted:

Swinging baseball bats

Ah, A Gentlemen's Game.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/426608ab8c/bat-fight

Young Freud
Nov 25, 2006



Sambo is probably the most brutal, just because of the photo I saw of two Spetsnaz guys sparring, with one of the guys throwing the other one by his eyelids.

Pankration is pretty rough, though. There's historical documentation of a pankratist tearing out the intestines of a rival with his bare hands during a match in the Ancient Olympics. And there's Arrachion of Phigalia, who was posthumously awarded when he killed a competitor while he was dying during an Olympic match.

Lunixnerd
Oct 25, 2010


You can always just show up to the fight brandishing a hand grenade without a pin.

Chromatic
Jan 21, 2005

You guys ready to hear a satanic song?

I often wonder how well any martial arts are against 3 or more people attacking you in real time. Not attacking one at a time like in lovely movies, but bum rushing the poor motherfucker.

Wet Bandits Copycat
Apr 18, 2004



The art of flowering manhood.

Arrgytehpirate
Oct 2, 2011

tia


It's not like there's an entire MA thread in ask/tell or anything.

nippythefish
Nov 20, 2007


Chromatic posted:

I often wonder how well any martial arts are against 3 or more people attacking you in real time. Not attacking one at a time like in lovely movies, but bum rushing the poor motherfucker.

I wasn't planning on bringing up my actual martial arts history in this thread, but we were taught to attempt to line up the fighters as much as possible...basically, reposition yourself so they're fumbling over each other and you have only one opponent in front of you to counter.

Madcosby
Mar 4, 2003

Jinkies!


The Alphabet of Striking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKxN81qJCUI

ps. T-Z remain secrets, only to black belts. But here's a preview, it's more punching


nippythefish posted:

I wasn't planning on bringing up my actual martial arts history in this thread, but we were taught to attempt to line up the fighters as much as possible...basically, reposition yourself so they're fumbling over each other and you have only one opponent in front of you to counter.


Ah, the FPS approach.

Lunixnerd
Oct 25, 2010


This one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8wx...feature=related

TheHistoryChannel
Feb 12, 2008



Chromatic posted:

I often wonder how well any martial arts are against 3 or more people attacking you in real time. Not attacking one at a time like in lovely movies, but bum rushing the poor motherfucker.

Most martial arts instructors teach that when fighting multiple people that movement is your only option. you have to circle and try to avoid being surrounded, while putting up some good offense. Basically your only real option is to bead a hasty retreat while still putting up strikes to keep the attackers off guard.

MrSmokes
Jun 18, 2011


Buddhist Palm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glsUlacDN7Q

seal clubber
Jun 3, 2006


Chromatic posted:

I often wonder how well any martial arts are against 3 or more people attacking you in real time. Not attacking one at a time like in lovely movies, but bum rushing the poor motherfucker.

Kaewan
May 29, 2008


I hear Capoeira is pretty deadly, they strap knives to their feet or something. I guess boxing would be pretty deadly too if you strapped chainsaws to your gloves.

Ill go with chainsaw boxing.

Medieval Medic
Sep 8, 2011


The best martial arts, and unsurprisingly the most effective and brutal, are the ones that have you use weapons.

Olewithmilk
Jun 30, 2006

What?

I pride myself on being an expert on many "fictional" martial arts. I place fictional in ironic speech quotations because although they spring from the imagination of very talented writers they can be, in most cases, more effective that the supposed "real" martial arts.

A previous poster has already brought up "Kosho" the trampoline martial art used sparingly in the Prisoner. Interestingly, Kosho was devised entirely by accident, the producers of the programme had booked what they believed to be a Bushido dojo for use for the entire day and were going to get both actors geared up. Unfortunately what they had actually done was booked the gym of the local Japanese language grade school which had little or no Bushido equipment. Patrick McGoohan, although obviously furious, managed to cobble together the rudimentary set used in that memorable scene from bits and pieces around the gym. The water between the two trampolines was really just a large garbage bin with a tarp over the rotting detritus they couldn't remove, which added a little realism to the actors not wanting to get thrown in, I'll bet! Kosho is still played competitively in a few places in England, and enjoyed a brief Renaissance recently when they re-made the Prisoner TV series.

Personally, my favorite martial art is the one created by Dan Curry for use with the Klingon betleH (more crudely written as the Bat'leth). Here you see it explained by Worf to his son Alexander. It is modelled in real life here by my close friend Joe Vardy.

seal clubber
Jun 3, 2006


Medieval Medic posted:

The best martial arts, and unsurprisingly the most effective and brutal, are the ones that have you use weapons.

I'm pretty sure the ultimate martial artist was invented in 1987.

GreatGreen
Jul 3, 2007

THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I REALLY AM

GreatGreenFu. You don't even want to know, man.

...





WHA-PAAAAA didn't even see that one coming did ya.

Obscuritatem
Sep 18, 2009

Gleaming the Cube


Medieval Medic posted:

The best martial arts, and unsurprisingly the most effective and brutal, are the ones that have you use weapons.

Ah, boner jousting.
It's a lost art, it really is.

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seal clubber
Jun 3, 2006


Olewithmilk posted:

I pride myself on being an expert on many "fictional" martial arts. I place fictional in ironic speech quotations because although they spring from the imagination of very talented writers they can be, in most cases, more effective that the supposed "real" martial arts.


I think you are going to have to include "the weirding way" of the Dune universe

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Weirding_Way

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