COOK OR DIE 4: I <3 CUMSTARD: Continuing affirmation of Ricola's failure

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > COOK OR DIE 4: I <3 CUMSTARD: Continuing affirmation of Ricola's failure

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EAT THE EGGS RICOLA: May 29, 2008

It is time, once again, for a COOK OR DIE CHALLENGE! We had a great turnout for COOK OR DIE 3: BEYOND DUMPLINGDOME, thanks to all who participated. We have discussed and have decided that this week�s cookchallenge will be to MAKE A CUSTARD!

What is custard?

Michael Ruhlman posted:

The most basic definition of custard is simply liquid thickened by eggs, a fundamental preparation, and idea, in both the savory and sweet kitchen. Custards give us some of our best dishes�quiches (above, photo by DTR), cr�me br�l�e, andcr�me Anglaise (sometimes called custard sauce). Because they�re so prevalent in desserts, we tend to think of custards as sweet, though standard custard technique�liquid, eggs, seasoning, mixed and baked in a water bath�can be applied to virtually any flavor to which you want to bring the custard texture. An herb custard to garnish a savory soup, olive oil custard with a la grecque vegetables, tarragon or bone marrow with beef. Escoffier added diced custards (called a royale) to consomm�. The liquid might be partly vegetable or fruit juice, though fat is a large part of the custard�s exquisite texture and shouldn�t be avoided altogether.

The key to a great custard is achieving an extraordinary texture. Returning to this definition, I�m surprised I didn�t mention the standard custard ratio, which is two eggs per cup of milk. The ratio is a baseline�it can be varied. One egg will thicken 3/4s of a cup of liquid. One egg and two yolks will make a much richer custard than the standard ratio. Using a liquid with a lot of fat will set up a little thicker.

Custards are almost always cooked in a water bath, covered so that they don�t develop a tough skin on top. And cooking them for the right amount of time (knowing when to remove them from the oven, when they've still got some good jiggle so that carryover cooking finishes them, is critical).

So, friends, your goal is to make a custard! Any kind, sweet or savoury, will do!

:siren:

Your deadline is Sunday, March 18th at 11:59pm EST. :siren:

IF YOU POST IN THIS THREAD AND FAIL TO ATTEMPT CUSTARD YOU MUST RECORD YOURSELF COOKING AN OMELET IN THE LIKENESS OF PIKACHU WITH CADBURY EGGS AND JELLYBEANS

:siren:

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU POST IN THIS THREAD, FAILURE TO MAKE A CUSTARD AND FAILURE TO COMPLETE THE PENALTY CHALLENGE MAY RESULT IN MODERATOR INTERVENTION NOT LIMITED TO HUMILIATING CUSTOM TITLES
:siren:

Here are few ideas but please don�t feel limited to these!

Creme Anglaise/Pouring Custard Recipe
Mushroom Quiche Recipe
Creme Caramel Recipe

Any other custard will do! Feel free to make creme brulee, trifle, pastry cream, ice cream, or any other custardy thing!

And I leave you with this video of GWS superstar Charmmi making a gigapudding:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8uf23u3Hs

# ? Mar 10, 2012 03:59

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 14:16

GrAviTy84: Nov 25, 2004

Gonna cus a tard.

# ? Mar 10, 2012 04:00

Charmmi: Dec 8, 2008; :trophystare:

I can't not join this one.

# ? Mar 10, 2012 04:11

Clockwork Cupcake: Oct 31, 2010

What's that? An excuse to make custard? I'll take that, thanks.

What are the custards in the little jars in the OP? They look so good.

vvv: Thanks.

I was kind of hoping they were caramel, but they look good anyway!

# ? Mar 10, 2012 04:44

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA: May 29, 2008

Clockwork Cupcake posted:

What's that? An excuse to make custard? I'll take that, thanks.

What are the custards in the little jars in the OP? They look so good.

Well this is embarrassing. They're a vegan, gluten-free custard from here: http://www.elanaspantry.com/pumpkin-custard/, I stole the picture without even looking at the recipe.

# ? Mar 10, 2012 04:48

Jay Carney: Mar 23, 2007; If you do that you will die on the toilet.

HOW COULD YOU.

I'm down, should be fun.

# ? Mar 10, 2012 13:43

Appl: Feb 4, 2002; where da white womens at?

I'm planning on quiching a quiche. Got some mushrooms and eggs and milk and stuff.

# ? Mar 10, 2012 22:44

Pink Lady: Feb 18, 2012

This sounds like just the push I need to actually get around to making some eggnog ice cream....

# ? Mar 10, 2012 23:24

Steve Yun: Aug 7, 2003; I'm a parasitic landlord that needs to get a job instead of stealing worker's money. Make sure to remind me when I post.; Soiled Meat

quote:

COOK OR DIE 4: I <3 CUMSTARD

Hmm...

# ? Mar 10, 2012 23:57

impossible!: Sep 18, 2000; Sic semper tyrannis

savory souffles, zabaglione, pastel de nata. things dreams are made of.

# ? Mar 11, 2012 03:15

Nifty: Aug 31, 2004

I will make creme anglaise! and I'll eat it with strawberries!

# ? Mar 11, 2012 04:57

Guildenstern Mother: Mar 31, 2010; Why walk when you can ride?

Going to try for a savory custard. Do souffles count?

# ? Mar 11, 2012 12:32

Liquid Communism: Mar 9, 2004; Out here, everything hurts.

I'm down. BRB, making quiche for breakfast.

# ? Mar 11, 2012 14:10

paraquat: Nov 25, 2006; Burp

Because of this custard challenge thing, I learned about the existence of chawanmushi... So I will attempt to make my own version of that!

# ? Mar 11, 2012 17:50

Liquid Communism: Mar 9, 2004; Out here, everything hurts.

So, I made a quiche. Bacon, green onions, farmer's cheese, a touch of garlic, salt, white pepper, and fresh nutmeg. All under 2c cream and 4 eggs, in a fresh pie crust.

Click for stupidly large. I am now satisfied.

# ? Mar 11, 2012 18:13

Kenning: Jan 11, 2009; I really want to post goatse. Instead I only have these🍄.

I'm posting in this thread because if I succeed and make custard then Yahtzee, I made custard, and if I fail I have an excuse to eat 20 Cadbury creme eggs, which are horrible thing that I love dearly.

# ? Mar 11, 2012 23:07

YEAH DOG: Sep 24, 2009; you wanna join my
primitive noise band?

OK yeah, I see

# ? Mar 11, 2012 23:22

Wroughtirony: May 14, 2007

WanderingMinstrel I posted:

Going to try for a savory custard. Do souffles count?

Seconding this on both counts.

Also, what do you call that Korean egg dish that's served in a french onion soup crock (for lack of a better word) and tastes like fluffy eggs and onion-y stock? Even if it doesn't qualify as a custard, I want to learn to make it. I guess reply in the chat thread if you're a pussy and don't want to custard.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 00:11

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA: May 29, 2008

Wroughtirony posted:

Seconding this on both counts.

Also, what do you call that Korean egg dish that's served in a french onion soup crock (for lack of a better word) and tastes like fluffy eggs and onion-y stock? Even if it doesn't qualify as a custard, I want to learn to make it. I guess reply in the chat thread if you're a pussy and don't want to custard.

Any egg-thickened dish will do! I don't really give a gently caress what you actually make!

# ? Mar 12, 2012 00:22

Steve Yun: Aug 7, 2003; I'm a parasitic landlord that needs to get a job instead of stealing worker's money. Make sure to remind me when I post.; Soiled Meat

Wroughtirony posted:

Seconding this on both counts.

Also, what do you call that Korean egg dish that's served in a french onion soup crock (for lack of a better word) and tastes like fluffy eggs and onion-y stock? Even if it doesn't qualify as a custard, I want to learn to make it. I guess reply in the chat thread if you're a pussy and don't want to custard.

Is that Korean? I thought it was Chinese. I'll post my friend's recipe for that later

# ? Mar 12, 2012 01:35

Dane: Jun 18, 2003; mmm... creamy.

REQUESTING RULES CLARIFICATIONS OKAY WHAT IF YOU LIVE IN THIRD WORLD WEIRDO SCANDINAVIAN COUNTRY WITH NO CADBURY'S CREAM EGGS OKAY WHAT?

# ? Mar 12, 2012 01:57

Eeyo: Aug 29, 2004

I guess I'm cheating by skipping directly to the end product, but I digress: I made a custard pie for the custard challenge!

Recipes:
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/grandmas-egg-custard-pie/
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/basic-flaky-pie-crust/

Assemble the Ingredients:
Pie Crust:

Custard Filling:

I kind of mangled the filling, on account of not having real milk and only having medium eggs. I reduced the proportions of milk/sugar a bit to account for the lower volume of eggs. I also threw in the remaining egg yolk (the filling recipe says to brush the crust with an egg white) to make sure there was enough egginess in the pie.

Make the crust by working shortening into flour:

Add Ice water and roll out dough into pan and shape (poorly):

Forget to put foil on edge of pie crust and burn the poo poo out of the pie:

Done!

# ? Mar 12, 2012 02:09

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA: May 29, 2008

Dane posted:

REQUESTING RULES CLARIFICATIONS OKAY WHAT IF YOU LIVE IN THIRD WORLD WEIRDO SCANDINAVIAN COUNTRY WITH NO CADBURY'S CREAM EGGS OKAY WHAT?

You have to eat twenty kinder eggs and reenact the passion of the christ with the toys you find inside.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 02:19

paraquat: Nov 25, 2006; Burp

Wroughtirony posted:

Also, what do you call that Korean egg dish that's served in a french onion soup crock (for lack of a better word) and tastes like fluffy eggs and onion-y stock? Even if it doesn't qualify as a custard, I want to learn to make it. I guess reply in the chat thread if you're a pussy and don't want to custard.

I guess that would be gaeran jim (or gyeran jjim), it's the Korean version of the Japanese Chawanmushi I'm trying to make. The Chinese version is steamed egg custard or 蒸水蛋
They're all a bit different, but also very similar.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 03:33

Drink and Fight: Feb 2, 2003

Iron Chef Ricola posted:

You have to eat two hundred kinder eggs.

INCLUDING THE TOY PARTS.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 03:53

Guildenstern Mother: Mar 31, 2010; Why walk when you can ride?

Wroughtirony posted:

Seconding this on both counts.

Also, what do you call that Korean egg dish that's served in a french onion soup crock (for lack of a better word) and tastes like fluffy eggs and onion-y stock? Even if it doesn't qualify as a custard, I want to learn to make it. I guess reply in the chat thread if you're a pussy and don't want to custard.

http://www.maangchi.com/recipe/egg-side-dishes Are you thinking of the steamed egg one? (second recipe down)

# ? Mar 12, 2012 03:58

BlueGrot: Jun 26, 2010

Iron Chef Ricola posted:

You have to eat twenty kinder eggs and reenact the passion of the christ with the toys you find inside.

I decided to make a custard only to be able to post here. Twenty kinder eggs is roughly $100 USD. :norway:

# ? Mar 12, 2012 06:36

Steve Yun: Aug 7, 2003; I'm a parasitic landlord that needs to get a job instead of stealing worker's money. Make sure to remind me when I post.; Soiled Meat

Steve Yun posted:

Is that Korean? I thought it was Chinese. I'll post my friend's recipe for that later

My Taiwanese friend's simple steamed egg:

1 can chicken broth
4-5 eggs
optional: sliced shitake mushrooms, green onions or seaweed

beat eggs
add chicken broth, mix
add white pepper if you have it, black pepper will also do
add other ingredients if you want
steam for 15-20 mins (I put the bowl in a pot with a steamer basket)

I think there's also some variant where you throw in a whole peeled hardboiled egg as a surprise

# ? Mar 12, 2012 09:06

paraquat: Nov 25, 2006; Burp

So I wanted to try something like Chawanmushi, but lacking lots of ingredients, and technique, I made my own simple version.

The ingredients:
200 ml of chickenstock, tablespoon of soy sauce, 2 eggs

Gave the ramekin its own little bain marie:

The above ramekin was not the final fruit of my labor, as that one failed miserably... it didn't set, so I ended up adding another egg to the rest of the stock mixture that was left, and tried again.

This time it worked:
(topped it with some chives for prettiness)

And the silky inside shot

This whole thing should've been filled with chicken and shrimps and loads of other goodness, and then steamed. That would've made it a chawanmushi.

So I didn't make chawanmushi, but I definitely made a custardy thing.
It was tasty.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 09:20

Phummus: Aug 4, 2006; If I get ten spare bucks, it's going for a 30-pack of Schlitz.

Custard is delicous when churned and frozen

# ? Mar 12, 2012 12:50

Wroughtirony: May 14, 2007

WanderingMinstrel I posted:

http://www.maangchi.com/recipe/egg-side-dishes Are you thinking of the steamed egg one? (second recipe down)

That looks like it! I have a bunch of leftover pho broth, think I'll use that instead of water. You know, to make it less authentic. Might also attempt a souffle- I haven't made one of those in a couple years.

# ? Mar 12, 2012 14:18

Guildenstern Mother: Mar 31, 2010; Why walk when you can ride?

Wroughtirony posted:

I have a bunch of leftover pho broth, think I'll use that instead of water. You know, to make it ~~less authentic~~ more delicious.

Pho broth makes everything better

# ? Mar 12, 2012 18:17

Dane: Jun 18, 2003; mmm... creamy.

I made a quiche with sweated down challots, iberico-style ham, pecorino, and added ultrafinely sliced spring onion and serranos. It was yum.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 00:41

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA: May 29, 2008

Dane posted:

I made a quiche with sweated down challots, iberico-style ham, pecorino, and added ultrafinely sliced spring onion and serranos. It was yum.

THERE IS A DISTINCT LACK OF PICTURES HERE

# ? Mar 13, 2012 00:44

Taft Punk: Jan 11, 2011; Fish are the vegetables of the sea.

Why did I do this thing I just wanted to make a simple flan.

Inspired by charmmi's gigapudding.

Why can't I stop eating--

# ? Mar 13, 2012 07:02

syntaxfunction: Oct 27, 2010

So I got inspired by Taft Punk's flan and said to myself after reading some recipes, "Yeah, I can do that!"

So I've got one in the oven right now and shall see how it is tomorrow morning after cooling. It's my very first custard anything so I hope it works. If not I'll just have to try again.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 12:11

Dane: Jun 18, 2003; mmm... creamy.

Iron Chef Ricola posted:

THERE IS A DISTINCT LACK OF PICTURES HERE

HERE IS A PICTURE OF LEFTOVERS, NOW STOP SHOUTING AT ME YOU BIG MEANIE.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 13:55

Charmmi: Dec 8, 2008; :trophystare:

Taft Punk posted:

This is a fine flan. I would make myself sick on a flan as fine as this.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 14:09

Ghost Cactus: Dec 25, 2006

I am flanning a flan right now! Hoping the Pyrex custard cups don't shatter in the oven. The tinkling of the caramel cooling in the bottoms of the cups was disconcerting.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 23:08

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 14:16

Jay Carney: Mar 23, 2007; If you do that you will die on the toilet.

ANy ideas for custardy things I could make a bunch of and take to work? That thing on top looks pretty boss.

# ? Mar 13, 2012 23:41

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > COOK OR DIE 4: I <3 CUMSTARD: Continuing affirmation of Ricola's failure

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