The Onion posted:

The complex will reportedly also feature a number of "Scared Straight" talks each week, during which young visitors will simultaneously learn about the dangers of breaking the law, as well as what happens when a male lowland gorilla suddenly feels threatened.

voting third party posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0App7QizQCU

This might be the best thing the onion has done yet, the natural ending point of reality tv. Part two is even more awkward.

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I think the fact that we're getting a stipend to have sex with each other might violate state law.

Volume posted:

Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested

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Populations currently being considered to fill the leadership void until the American people can be rehabilitated and returned to self-governance include those of Switzerland, Sweden and Canada.

"I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time of crisis and make sure that my vote counts," said Stockholm resident Per Johanssen. "I've been reading up on America a bit, just to get a general idea of what needs to be done, and from what I can tell, they really need some sort of broad-based health-care reform over there right away."

In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian province of Saskatchewan will hold primaries next Tuesday to re-evaluate last fall's gubernatorial election in Minnesota.

SpiderHyphenMan posted:

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Listen, don't go away, because when we come back we're going to show you how to save money by writing your own books!

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Gerald Carnes whipped out his jumper cables and started the car of Jennifer Barrett while reassuring her that it was okay, women do stupid things like leaving their lights on all the time.

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Phil Grayson celebrated 15 years of manning the old glory hole in the South Royalton Rest Area men’s room.

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Thom Cargill kept his tuberculosis under wraps so as not to be a downer during the flight from Hong Kong to L.A.

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Possession
In a previous issue, The Onion spelled the word "possession" with two sets of double s's, which is apparently correct but just doesn't seem right. So let's go with "possesion."

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Humbaba
In the May 21 issue, Humbaba was mistakenly identified as the secretary of Housing and Urban Development. He is actually the guardian of the Cedar Forest who was slain by the Sumerian hero-king Gilgamesh. The Onion regrets the error.

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Offspring
Last week The Onion published a photo of a man giving the evil eye. The Onion regrets not printing a Hand of Fatima on the opposite page to prevent you from losing all of your livestock, beauty, health, and offspring.

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Meatless Chili
Last week's food section included a recipe for meatless chili, but it turns out meat is pretty important for chili not to taste terrible. The Onion apologizes on behalf of all vegetarians.

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Flawlessness
Although The Onion did not make any mistakes in yesterday's newspaper, we still have to fill this space with text lest we leave a glaring blank section. Therefore, when you think about it, our flawlessness is an error in itself.

El Negocio posted:

The Onion hates your childhood and wants you to feel bad, rear end in a top hat.

Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle.

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• Years of filings in state of Delaware prove definitively that the candidate himself is a corporation
  
• In 2009, thanks to clever accounting, the IRS actually paid Romney $25 million in taxes
  

http://www.theonion.com/articles/mccormick-company-mkc,27378/ posted:

McCormick & Company (MKC)
$64.98 (+$13.84) (+27.1%) Shares in the spice purveyor soared on word that the three sturdy galleons dispatched two years afore had been sighted off the coast of Cape Verde, returning from their dangerous voyage to the exotic Orient with their casks brimful of redolent cinnamon, cardamom, and mysteriously intoxicating curried powder.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/venetian-cruise-lines-vcl,27483/ posted:

Venetian Cruise Lines (VCL)
$9.95 (-$.14) (+1.4%) Investors and travelers alike appear to be wary of this cruise-ship operator, which promises to show tourists the magical narrow waterways of Venice, Italy from a 600-stateroom luxury ocean liner.

Boondock Saint posted:

Just lost it at work reading this...

Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: ‘I…Where You’re Alive And They—You Write A Book About You’
http://www.theonion.com/articles/cl...ote:cta-content

The Onion posted:

"When you write ... it's just that so, these people are all in our lives, all of us, and he's--but you know about--I remember 50 years ago," reads an excerpt from a chapter titled "You See The Past And It Doesn't Hurt, I Don't Know." "They were saying, but I thought--people in your own life were something to be thought about--and they were saying that back then, and even now, and I just thought, this is great."

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MythBusters

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In a special Star Trek-themed episode, the team tests whether or not exposure to the Genesis Device would actually result in the rapid aging depicted in Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock.

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Emergency Room Law Firm
ABC
10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT

On-call resident Dana St. John has to break away from her cross-examination to perform emergency pediatric open-heart surgery, while senior partner Cort Peck finds himself caught in a steamy love triangle with the dangerously sexy opposing counsel Brianne Rowe and his fellow ER attending Rachel McCray.

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What If They Had A Beard?
History
8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT

The lives of Robert F. Kennedy, Winston Churchill, and Secretariat are reimagined.

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Bugs In Your Body
Discovery
8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT

A panel of self-reputed scientists explains that you can scratch and scratch but the insects are still deep inside of you and will be forever.

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Spelling Bees
Game Show
8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT

The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete to spell wordswhile trapped in a chamber full of angry yellow jackets.

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Operation Repo
truTV
10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST

The team faces a paradox when it's sent to repossess the cameras and lighting equipment from truTV's own offices after the cable network defaults on yet another production loan.

Margaret Waxman, Weigh Station Inspector posted:

At least those Boy Scouts were protected from the presence of gay people.

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Coming up, Romney accused of buying endorsements after being named best SUV by J.D. Power and Associates.

redmercer posted:

Mystic crystal revelations!

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While many citizens have expressed skepticism of the historians' assertions, the majority of Americans have reportedly grasped the concept of noticing bad things from earlier times and trying not to repeat them.

"I get it. If we do something bad that happened before, then the same bad thing could happen again," said Barb Ennis, 48, of Pawtucket, RI. "We don't want history to happen again, unless the thing that happened was good."

"When you think about it, a lot of things have happened already," Ennis added. "That's what history is."