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Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

I've been reading the thread and really enjoying it. Could you add me in as an Espionage Team Member of some kind?

Added Space posted:

Did we/are we going to get a response to the "sickle" message? I can't say much until that resolves.

If I may offer my own two cents on the subject, I believe the message is somehow connected to the sudden unrest on Mars. After all, the colony has been expanding rapidly for quite some time now, and it seems odd that they've only recently begun to complain about lack of representation.

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Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

Done. Normally I wouldn't allow such a specific choice, but there was one within the next two available UNIN officers, so I let it slide.

Thanks-I apologize for not knowing the specifics, but I'm glad you got me the position. Speaking of which...

From: Dr. Snark, UNIN Operative
To: UNIN
Re: KRONOS and Mars


The fact that the Federation has been actively planning an operation that would very likely have led to WWIII is extremely troubling, not to mention the fact that it was authorized at the highest levels. I feel that an expansion to our intelligence agencies would help us to prevent this kind of thing from happening in the future.

I want the UN to win this cold war as much as the rest of you, but I don't want Earth to become a smoldering fireball before we do. That being said, if the Feddies are willing to resort to such desperate measures to harm us, we must be doing a good job.

As for the unrest on Mars, I would like to ask permission to observe the situation in greater detail. If we could find a way to convince even a fraction of the population to come over to our side of their own free will, it would not only give us an advantage on Mars, but it would also devastate the Fedaration's public image. After all, what will the civilians believe if they see millions of people abandoning the Federation for the UN?

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 21:10 on Jan 13, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Jimmy4400nav posted:

But now to look to the future, we need more intel assets on the Federation, preferably here at home and on Mars to monitor the situation.

If I may be so bold, I'd like to voulnteer for any activites on Mars. I'd rather be there than staying at [REDACTED LOCATION] and twiddling my thumbs.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: UNIN
RE: Pavlo


The fact that this man is the administrator of Titan will make it difficult to aquire any information on him, let alone getting to him. However, I believe we have a golden opportuinity to corner him with the Titan negotiations.

While this idea is tenative, I propose using said negoatiations as an excuse to get him into a position where we can discuss this newfound information in private. Depending on how much mental fortitude this man has, we may be able to persuade him into giving us information by showing him the Sickle communication and name-dropping Lars Proen.

However, if we do want to try something like this, I'd like to have a more complete psych profie on him. If he's known for being very strong-willed, this plan probably wouldn't work.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

TildeATH posted:

From: Grand Administrator TildeATH
To: Operative Dr. Snark
RE: Pavlo


Perhaps we could arrange a summit of Saturnine governors and administrators, and arrange for Mr. Proen to walk past Mr. Pavlo, to imply that we have him and know of many things. And then we could pressure Pavlo with the possibility of sending Mr. Proen back to Earth to publicly stand trial, and offer instead to silence Mr. Proen permanently if Mr. Pavlo gives us the inside track on Titan negotiations and Federation movements (I know we've already agreed, but we could arrange for a better deal). Or we could simply eviscerate Mr. Pavlo and send his entrails back to Mumbai in a tasteful vase.

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: "Grand" Administrator TildeATH
RE: Coincidental Meetings


This is an interesting idea, but I'm worried that Feddie agents would be able to capture him if he went out in public. If we were able to create a "fake" Lars Proen, I'd be more interested in the idea.

However, we are NOT eviscerating the governor of Titan. Mostly because it would be borderline impossible to cover up.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

TildeATH posted:

Isn't it everyone's dream to have a city and a supply route named after you, along with your embalmed corpse in a glass coffin for eternity?

Considering the fact that we'll eventually expand into other star systems, you could potentially get an entire PLANET named after you. Sure, a city's nice, but nothing strokes the ego like having a planet named after you. :v:

On another note:

To: Administrator TildeATH
From: Operative Dr. Snark
Subject: Weapons Dealers vs. Spies


Unfortunately, I am incapable of procuring WMDs, mainly because I can't afford any on my budget. I am a spy, not a weapons dealer. My job is to sabotage those kinds of things, not spread them.

And even if I could, I'm fairly certain I do not have the authority to authorize a strategic missile attack of any kind whatsoever. (Or allowing eviscerations of certain planetary governors.) Leaving a "surprise" for the Feds is also right out, as I suspect that they will be rather paranoid after the KRONOS fiasco.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: Whoever it many concern
RE: Proen's information, and recent discoveries


The information our team found was...disturbing. I'm amazed that we found it in such an unguarded area, but this plan of the Fedaration's is much more troubling. I hope that it is used wisely and effectively, for all of our sakes.

As for the man we met...I believe he may be connected to the Sickle message as well, considering how this matches up with the message we got from it. Considering the circumstances, this may mean that Proen has a small cell working for or with him.

And speaking as an intelligence agent, I am very worried that Proen is still willing to hold out on his information. From a logical standpoint, the only reason one would continue to press a deal like this is if they have something of equal value.

At any rate, now might actually be a good time to ship him off to Mars, what with the rioting going on and all. Perhaps he could be the match that will light the fires of revolution there.

...I have a bad feeling about all of this. There's a bigger game being played here, and I don't know who the players are.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: UN Council
Re: Proen's fate and Saturn


Something that has been bothering me ever since my team found those communications was how desperate the Feddies have been in trying to get us away from Saturn. I believe that there is something in that system that the Federation doesn't want us to know about.

I can think of three possible scenarios for what they're trying to hide:

1. A base simliar to our Project ZEUS. This would make sense, but I have a feeling the truth is not quite that simple.
2. Some form of a WMD that would greatly tip the balance in their favor. However, said weapon would likely be either damaged or incomplete at this present time. This would be the worst case scenario.
3. Evidence of some crime against humanity that would destroy the Fedaration's reputation. This would be the best case scenario.

At any rate, I would like to ask the man himself if he is willing to give us an answer on whether any of these theories are true. If the council is willing, we could guarantee his freedom after that.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

To: Councilor Added Space
From: Operative Dr. Snark
Re: Proen


Councilor, I would like to ask permission for a private chat with our good friend, Mr. Proen. I have a few questions that I believe he would be willing to answer.

Of course, I would inform you of any new developments. If anything comes up involving his release, I will defer responsiblity of that to you.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Well, we've likely scared the poo poo out of the Feddies. Spectacular. On another note that may doom us all:

To: Mr. Proen
From: Operative Dr. Snark
RE: Questions


Greetings. I don't expect you to recognize my name-I only recently became an important member of the UN.

I'm not sending this message to threaten you or create a bargain that favors my side. Nor am I trying to play "good cop, bad cop" with you. I am sending this message because I believe you have information that would greatly benefit the UN.

At the moment, about half of my colleagues wish to free you, and the other half want to see you rot away in your cell. The main problem that some of the higher-ups have with you is that you haven't given us any information that really helps us.

We knew that the Federation wanted Saturn since we signed a treaty almost completely eliminating UN presence there. The only thing we didn't know is how desperate they were to get us off of it. If you truly want to go free, you need to give us something we can work with. Something that would either threaten the Federation or protect us from them.

Which leads me to my one, simple question: Why does the Federation want Saturn so badly? If you give us some form of an answer, even the vaguest of hints, I suspect that most everyone will be willing to let you go. Be forewarned, however; if you try to hide this information behind cryptic phrases, I sincerely doubt that anyone would be willing to free you. I assure you, that is not a threat; it is a simple fact.

When you have made your decision, please let me know. Naturally, I will immediately be sharing anything you give me with my superiors.

I do have one other request, though: I'd like to know everything you about Titan's administrator. Is he a coward, or strong-willed? I'd like to know more about the man.

That is all.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

berryjon posted:

FROM: The Desk of Lt. General berryjon
TO: UNIN
RE: Raw_Beef

I know I have no authority over CMDR Raw_Beef, but I can think of a few uses for him.

Live fire target practice for one.

But for the love of all that's human, REMOVE HIM FROM COMMAND, please.

If you do this, make sure that his removal is as public as possible.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

Part of me wishes this was the UN I had invented for this thread.

Oh, don't worry; we still have plenty of time to run the UN into the ground.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

We find it troubling that your ICBMs are in a state such that an unauthorized launch can happen at all. If all UN military assets are operated in this fashion, the world could be in substantial peril. However, we trust that it is the aging nature of these installations that caused the fault, and gently remind you that the Federation dismantled its pre-TN installations several years ago.

It is fortunate that your anti-ballistic missile defense network operated so efficiently. We would be interested to know more details of its operation, as it constitutes a substantial threat to the military balance of power on Earth.

Hehehe. Hehehehehehe. Oh, this is WONDERFUL.

The fact that the Feddies believe that our Ghostbusters would create "a substantial threat to the military balance of power" is the most wonderful thing I've heard today. Granted, now they know about the capabilites of them, but the fact that they are so worried is a VERY good sign.

As such, we need to keep as much of the specific data on the Ghostbusters classified. I would recommend sending them false data that will have them underestimate their capabilites, if possible. If not, make up some ridiculous facts on them, and see if the Feddies bite. We may even be able to work out an information trade, but I suspect that both sides would falsify their data anyways.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 21:11 on Jan 18, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: UN Authorities
Re: Hourglass


The fact that the Feddies are trying to create their own verison of Project ZEUS doesn't surprise me in the slightest. What worries me is that Kozlov is willing to do anything to see that goal come to fruition. While we're going through the negotiations on Titan, I want everything he says recorded and analyzed.

As for this "Hourglass" message, I would like to be given the go-ahead to send it. Considering the information we got from Sickle, I feel that any benefits outweigh the risks. I would give you the information as soon as I or my colleagues recieved it.

And Proen...considering what he said, and that lying to us would gain him nothing, I believe I can establish the series of events that brought him to us:

1. Proen works for the Fedaration as an intel operative, which would explain how he knows so much and the usage of code phrases. He is given instructions on executing Operation KRONOS, but he presumably would have been put at risk by those plans. Despite this, Kozlov orders him to go through with it anyway.
2. Coming to the conclusion that seeking asylum with the UN would let him live longer, he uses the riots on Titan as a cover to get captured. This would also explain why he had been so cooperative with his hostages and Operation Blue November.
3. Prefering the prison sentence to being (actually) dead, he has been exchanging information with us for his freedom.

Considering all of this, I want to suggest that we free him, but that he maintains contact with intelligence assets like myself OR he allows us to contact his intel network more easily. He's becoming too valuable for us to simply let go.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Volmarias posted:

A concern of mine is that he'll take his freedom as the opportunity to give one final send off to the Federation and let them know who was behind it. With relations as frosty as they are now, I suspect that our having kept and used the man who destroyed a federation naval warship could be the cassus belli for a strike at us.

We must never place Proen in a position where the Federation could learn that he still lives. Sending his messages is a risk as it is. We can provide him with a gilded cage, but we must not let him go free.

True. Should I inform him of our recent extrasolar interests and see if he latches on to that instead? He would be on a UN controlled world (where we could track him) and far away from the Feds. I know we discussed this before, but this seems like it would be the best possible option now.

And does anyone have a go/no go for "Hourglass?"

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Don't worry, the message will be sent at the proper time. I just wanted confirmation in advance to be on the safe side. Besides, April 1st (in game time) is literally a day away.

Just to be sure...

[THIS MESSAGE WILL BE SENT TO ITS RECIPIENT AT 12:01 AM ARPIL 1ST 2033. THANK YOU FOR USING UN PUBLIC MESSAGING!]

To: A new friend
From: An interested party


Hourglass.

LLSix posted:

From: Discupli LLSix
To: Unlisted Email account (how does that even work?)

To: Discupli LLSix
From: Operative Dr. Snark
Re: Communications


Well, sir, since I am undercover in Feddie territory the process goes something like this:

First, you send an email to me under my name. Then, UNIN computers encrypt it using [REDACTED]. After that the computers [REDACTED] the email by [REDACTED] while they [REDACTED]. Once I recieve it through [REDACTED], I decrypt it and read it.

It's really quite simple; even a monkey could understand the process!

OOC: Being a spy is so much fun when you get to do stuff like this.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

To: UN Authorites
From: Operative Dr. Snark
Re: Hourglass


Of all of the possible outcomes of the message, I was not expecting to learn that the Feds are working against their own people!

However, this message gives us an INCREDIBLE opportunity, if we are willing to seize it.

We have information that gives us information not only on the Fedaration's plans, but we have the ability to locate Fedaration agents on Mars! On its own, the Hourglass data is a godsend for our espionage efforts.

At this point, I believe Proen has earned his freedom for that information alone. If he gives us harder evidence on the Feds' activies on Mars, we could go so far as to release to the public and turn the entire world against them!

I will wait for higher opinions, but I am VERY excited for what we can accomplish in the future with this information.

TildeATH posted:

From: Grand Administrator TildeATH of Mimas, the Last Line of Defense in the War Against the Evil Federation
To: Spymaster and Martial Arts Expert Dr. Snark, PhD in Knifefighting
Subject: Your upcoming poke


From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: Grand Admistrator TildeATH
Re: Reputation


Well, I understand the concern, but it was a bit late to voice it. Also, I'm legitimately curious as to how I became so famous on Mimas, especially the bit about the knifefighting. Could you enlighten me?

And I appreciate the offer of borrowing your identity for a bit, but I really don't think that would work out.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

TildeATH posted:

From: Grand Admistrator TildeATH
To: Operative Dr. Snark
Re: Reputation


According to Starfox News, all you intelligence types are supposed to be tenth level assassins and kung-fu wizards. Or are you one of those poison-dart cyberhackers? The Homestarrunner Network has 24.39 in syndication (with subtitles) and your guys are always cutting people's livers out with carbon-fiber stilettos or hacking right into the Google Contacts of some unwitting Federation lackey. God, I hope that's not some kind of sick exaggeration, otherwise we'll never win this war given how deadly serious your counterparts are being trained in the snowy Shaolin Temples.

...Yes, my colleagues are skilled martial artists and assasins. In fact, we are skilled in 165 different types of martial arts (including Ju Jitsu, Tae Quon Do, and Kung Pow) and we have all been trained by ninjas. As for the hacking bit? Well, that's a slow Tuesday morning.


Jimmy4400nav posted:

Mars....Well this is getting interesting, what is they're angle? The theory my boys on Spacechan and Spedditt are floating is that the Fed's are looking to stir up trouble on Mars, escalate the Mars movement, and use that as an excuse to blockade the Martian sector and bring it under their control. We have no clue what they're civilian yards are making, for all we know in less then a month they'll unveil their own troop transport and use it to move men in and pacify the sector. My boys think that they'll let the situation escalate and let the garrison battalions from both sides take heavy damage if not be outright destroyed, so they can land some more offense oriented soldiers.

While that is an interesting idea, the fact of the matter is that they already have planetary superiority by virtue of having a bigger population than we do. If they are trying to go for a land grab, it would be for control over the Belnar ruins, most likely. Even then, though, there's really no logical reason for them to do something like that-they have as much access to them as we do (and presumably similar luck with reactivations as well). That being said, even if they did try to completely control Mars, we could throw the Treaty of Mars in their face and make ourselves look better. For all we know, this may simply be trying to create an excuse to prevent the loss of their largest extraterrestial colony.

...Also, you might want to tell your boys to lay off the Spacechan and Spedditt...they have been proven to have detrimental psychological effects on their visitors.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: UN Executives
Re: Proen Debate


If we're still hung up over whether he is or isn't a mole, remember that the document we got from Hourglass contained info on Federation agents' operations, code names, and communication methods. We could use those to try and capture an agent, therby verifying said data.

Considering the timeframe for "Hourglass," it might be a good idea to move him to Mars, but still keep him in UN custody until his information is confirmed to be true.

Incidentally bgreman, does the Hourglass document have any similarites with what the UN knows about Federation intelligence?

And while I am far from an expert in economics, I feel that abandoning Venus is probably a bad idea, especially considering how TNE-rich it is. Perhaps we can quietly build up a sizable outpost there, then open it up to civilian immigration.

Edit: vvv Well, when you put it like that, it sounds like a terrible idea.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 19:40 on Jan 25, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Emperor of Tennis posted:

FROM: Emperor of Tennis, super awesome spy
TO: Everybody
RE: Proen

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: Emperor of Tennis
RE: Operatives


Unfortunately, we have no way to confirm whether or not Proen is faking us out or if he gave us legitimately good intel. If it is accurate, then we'd miss an amazing opportuinity. I'd recommend trying to locate/capture one of the more isolated agents from the list and interrogate him for answers. If he's with Free Mars, we let him go. If he's a Feddie, we know we've hit the jackpot, and begin carrying out more capture/assasination missions. Sound reasonable enough?

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

Earth: India, 18th April 2033


An explosion rocks a nondescript tenement on the outskirts of Mumbai, resulting in five casualties. Local news reports that it is likely a gas explosion and local police decline to open a criminal investigation.

From: UNIN Intel Office
To: UNEC
Re: UNIN Special Forces Team


Sirs, it is with heavy hearts that we report that the heads of our primary Federation espionage effort have been killed. Our analysis indicates that the team's security was compromised sometime during the last several months. At their quarterly in-person status briefing in their Mumbai safehouse, an explosive was detonated, killing all five members. Their assets have been recalled where able, and efforts to disavow their activities have already been started.

Team members were:

  • UNCAO
    • Mr. Fox Ironic
  • UNIN
    • CMDR The_White_Crane
    • CMDR UberJew
    • CMDR Emperor of Tennis
    • CMDR Dr. Snark

Their next of kin have been notified of their passing, although details of their activities have been redacted or altered.

What.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

Well...that's...that's just great. bgreman, would it be too much to ask to sign up as an intelligence agent again when the spot opens up? Just use...I dunno, Dr. Snark II or something.

But still, the last several months? When did we...what did we...

I know I techincally have no thread authority now, but drop any plans we have about releasing Proen. In fact, aside from the confirmed Feddie agents, ALL of his information should now be treated as false until proven otherwise.

In fact, tell him that unless he has a drat good reason why we should trust him at this point, we are leaving him in that cell forever.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Jan 27, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

To: Colonel SPERMCUBE.ORG
From: Operative Prof. Snark
RE: Lost Lives


While you are talking with Proen, Colonel, casually mention that my predecessor's team was completly wiped out just after the Hourglass message was sent. And then inform him that since we've been unable to identify who is behind it, he is currently our number one suspect. If he takes the news calmly or tries to hide the truth behind cryptic doubletalk, then he is likely to have been behind it and should be disposed of. If he panics, then we know that he was not responsible. Either way, we can use this to find out what the truth really is.

Edit: If it makes any difference, I recommend setting Proen loose on Mars. Last I checked, the Feddies were winning there anyway, so any chaos he incites would work to our advantage. And considering that he destroyed a Moskova during his escape, I doubt he'd be welcomed back to the Feds with open arms anyway.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 19:44 on Jan 28, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Innocent_Bystander posted:

Thank you, added space.

I want an espionage team assembled consisting of:

CMDR SleazyBakeover
CA Iunnrais
Col Cermak
Col Wallace
CMDR Professor Snark

And I want them deployed to Mars ASAP.

To: Councilor Bystander
From: Operative Prof. Snark
RE: Objectives


There are a number of things we could check in on at Mars, sir. Do you want us to focus on learning more about the BFM, trying to search for connections between the BFM and the Feds, or do you want us to look into the information given to us by the Hourglass document?

I'd like to have something to focus on when I get there; taking on all of that at once seems like it would be too daunting.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: UN Authorites
RE: Proen decision


While we're torn apart over what to do with Proen (with the opinions being either "kill him" or "free him"), I would like to put forward a proposal for the Council.

My idea is this: we let Proen board a transport to Mars, so he'll give us any information he knows as of right now. However, once he arrives at Mars, he will suffer from an unfortunate terminal accident. Preferably one that completely destroys his body. This way, we get the information we want and eliminate Proen as a potential threat in the future. Admittedly, blowing up his shuttle is also an option, but then we run the risk of civilian or UN casualties.

This plan is risky however, as there is a potential Proen could avoid us. If all else fails, we can simply track him.

For convienece's sake, this plan can be refered to as Red February.

(Administrator TildeATH has begun underlining her words instead of italicizing them. This is either a new oddity or something has gone wrong on her end.)

From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: Administrator TildeATH
RE: RE: Condolences


I'm flattered that you held my predecessor in such a high regard. Unfortunately, a desk job is unlikely in my near future due to my assignment to Mars. However, I have resolved to thouroughly search our hideouts every day to ensure that I don't share the same fate my late compatriot.

As for my name becoming a merchandising tool...well, there are worse fates, aren't there?

Is everything alright over there? I've read your correspondences and you usually don't underline your words.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 02:46 on Jan 29, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Well, considering that he wanted to give us new information ASAP, I based said plan around the idea that we would get what we wanted before we got to Mars. We can easily adjust it so that it takes place after he leaves UN custody on Mars, and we'll refuse to release him until he gives us what we want to know, even if it is fake intel. The main focus of this plan is simply getting Proen out of the picture for good.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgereman, considering how close the vote on Proen will be, would it be too much to ask if we got Proen's info now instead of when the next update comes? It might change the voting considerably.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

I could not be more pleased about the level of paranoia and confusion in the thread right now.

OOC: You magnificent SOB, bgreman. Well played.

Honestly, at times this plays out more like a CYOA than an LP of Aurora. Not that that's a bad thing-far from it, in fact!

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Just some thoughts on the current situation:

I remeber my predecessor said in his message to Proen that if he wanted to go free, we needed something that would validate our trust in him. Directly after that, we got the Hourglass intel and he told us what Fred wanted on Saturn and more about who was in charge there. If he really wanted to go against us, he could have just as easily given us the middle finger or hidden the truth behind cryptic statments. Instead, he not only cooperated with our questions, but opened up a new angle we could explore through Hourglass. And if he really is a intelligence mastermind, he never would have pulled the stunt that he did on Mimas; it was loud, public, and about as subtle as a rampaging elephant.

Honestly, he's less of a spy and more of a lawyer-type, for lack of a better metaphor. He's not good at subtlety, but he's obviously proven himself to be an expert at knowing what to say and when to say it to get the best deals from others. If he is going to try something if we let him go, odds are our intel guys would hear about it fairly quickly. At any rate, I suspect he's smart enough to know that decieving us would be a very bad idea. We have thousands of people capable of searching for him. There aren't enough caves in the world that he could hide in if we came after him. And if he flees into Feddie territory or Free Mars, well, he's their problem then, not ours.


Sky Shadowing posted:

One question- what do we do if we vote to kill Proen and as we strap him into the chair for his execution, he spills everything? I doubt he'd do that, but his entire world view is that he is convinced we will never kill him, that he is in control. There's every chance when he realizes exactly how wrong he is he'll tell us everything we want to hear.

If that occurs, it would depend on the information he gives us. I reccomend this: If he's been sabotaging us, he dies. If not, he goes free. Simple as that.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

To: Memebers of my Team
From: Operative Prof. Snark
RE: CODE RED


Alright everybody, from the sounds of things a shooting war is about to start on Mars. As of right now, we are treating this as if the UN itself is at war. Which means double-checking every one of our safehouses, less sleep, and most importantly, no one is to be trusted.

God help us all.

To: UN Authorites
From: Operative Prof. Snark
RE: Free Mars


Considering that Proen has said that there's going to be a shootout between the FMM and Fred, and that tensions have been getting higher since the BFM's debut, I have no reason to doubt his information is vaild. At any rate, he has now offically become far too valuable to lose. The FMM, while dedicated, will get ripped to shreds by Fred if they don't have our help. I suspect Proen has plans in place to sabotage Fed forces, as well.

Proen may be a bastard, but at this point he's become a USEFUL bastard. Like it or not, we need him, or Mars will have another reason to be called the Red Planet. More importantly, if the Feds lose Mars, it will be a devastating blow to their image, one that may give us the edge we've been desperately looking for.

vvv As long as I don't have to deal with any legal reprecussions for that, I understand, sir.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 07:02 on Jan 30, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: Mars Team Members
RE: Special Guest


The UN has decided to let our "special guest" go, and he's coming to Mars. When he gets here, we're going to be on our best behavior, but keep a sharp eye on him. We can never be too careful, especially at a time like this. That being said, be prepared to move out in about five days' time-we're going to be getting some new and important intel very soon.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: Fellow UN Members
RE: Mars Situation


Given that Pro-sorry, Korbalev has said that there is much more going on behind the scenes of this little revolution, I think we should wait until we have more information before we begin forming plans for dealing with this. If we try and form a strategy now, we run the risk of having it be the worst possible action we could take.

Also, I'd like to point out that my predecessor totally called the Korbalev reveal. See for yourselves:

Dr. Snark posted:

I believe I can establish the series of events that brought him to us:

1. Proen works for the Fedaration as an intel operative, which would explain how he knows so much and the usage of code phrases. He is given instructions on executing Operation KRONOS, but he presumably would have been put at risk by those plans. Despite this, Kozlov orders him to go through with it anyway.
2. Coming to the conclusion that seeking asylum with the UN would let him live longer, he uses the riots on Titan as a cover to get captured. This would also explain why he had been so cooperative with his hostages and Operation Blue November.
3. Prefering the prison sentence to being (actually) dead, he has been exchanging information with us for his freedom.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman, would it be possible for me to send a letter to Korbalev while he's in transit? There's something I want to ask him before he vanishes off of our radar.

Emperor of Tennis posted:

I also think that if Fed wants our troop-ferrying services this time, we subtly suggest that we know the Brotherhood has roots in their intel community, and tell them we're not going to help them with an internal problem of their own making. This strengthens our long-term position on Mars and substantially hurts theirs.

I really don't think that this is a good idea. The fact that we know more about the Feds' operations than they think is a massive advantage, and we should keep that information close to our chest for as long as possible.

Edit: vvv She has a point. We need to make sure that our transport isn't being followed or tracked.

Double Edit: Threw together a quick description of the Fedaration on the wiki. Needs expansion.

Dr. Snark fucked around with this message at 21:45 on Jan 31, 2013

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

Aside from the fact that the Feddie commanders name-dropped him when this whole mess started, no.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

MagicBoots posted:

Should Councillor Ynkling's unfortunate and completely accidental disappearance require that I step into the role of Head of UNSA I will of course humbly accept the responsibility.

If anyone asks, I have had absolutely nothing to do with the appearance or lack therof of Counselor Ynkling. And I don't know why he hasn't been here, either.

In all seriousness, though, there's a 20-day grace period before the deputy completely takes over the position.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman, I want to ask Korbalev how we can actually shore up Fred's defenses without losing face in front of the Martian populace. It seems like we'd shoot ourself in the foot if we tried to defend anything else besides our own assets.

Also, is he willing to get us into contact with some of his fellow operatives? If we could get hard proof on what the Feds are doing here, it would be a major coup for our image, and possibly give us more options.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

"Do not misunderstand, Commander. I am not doing this out of some love for the UN, or hatred for the Federation, even if they have wronged me. Our agreement is that I work to end this conflict, and you release me to do so. After that, you will not see or hear from me again.

"Regarding "losing face," I am not advocating winning the war for the Federation. I am telling you to do whatever is necessary to hold off the rebels until I can broker a peace. I believe the Federation plan is to get you to commit fully to a ground operation, or to provide troop lift capability. Engage in a delaying action against the more radical BFM elements, claim humanitarian purposes (you lot were quite happy to do this in Syria), and no one will be the wiser.

"As for my assets here, I will not be turning them over to you. They have acted with loyalty and dedication for the two years of my internment, and I will not see them captured by UN agents who might use the same . . . techniques as your colleagues on Callisto."

"Er...I think you're jumping the gun a bit here, Korbalev. I wasn't asking for their Social Security numbers, I just wanted a way to get in touch with them like with Sickle and Hourglass. They can stay anonymous for all I care; their information would be far more useful anyway.

"On that note, do you mind telling us what the original Fed plan was and what your plans were? Not that it really matters at this point, but I admit I'd like to know what the Feds hoped to gain from starting a civil war in their own territory.

"Also, since you seem to have sources in the BFM, can you give us any clues as to what their tactics and strategic movements would be? It would greatly aid our incoming reinforcements. You don't have to give us their entire strategy, but we'd like to minimize casualties and intel would help us do that."

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

TLM3101 posted:

From: CMDR TLM3101, CO UNS Negros
To: CMDR Serpentis, CO ILB:MC Aviano
Subject: Re: What.


Thank you kindly. It is good to finally be back up here, and in a brand new ship fresh from the yards, no less.

As for the deep fryer, it's... something I'd rather not talk about. I wasn't aware that they'd send it to you when I told them to get rid of it. Probably Ruprecht's idea of a little joke. Please just... Get rid of it. Bury it, melt it down for resyc, whatever.

I cannot overemphasize, however, that it should not, under any circumstances, be repaired. Ever.


From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: CMDR TLM3101
RE: Deep Fryer


If you've somehow managed to create some form of mesurable anomaly, then you should get that deep frier to UNSA. The eggheads would love to take a look at that thing.

Honsetly, depending on what your crew did to it, they may be able to qualify as researchers!

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

bgreman posted:

"Allow me to make something clear, Commander. I will not be giving you any more assistance than is necessary to ensure you don't bring this situation crashing down on us all. I will tell you nothing about my assets. This will be done on my terms, or you had might as well return me to my cell on Callisto.

"You know the original Federation plan. Incite the Titanian miners to a pro-Federation position. Use the resulting chaos to remove the UN presence from Titan. Fleet interceptions would be conducted as necessary to ensure no UN reinforcements.

"I am not privy to fine details of the operation here, as I was not involved in its planning, except at the highest levels. The greater goal has always been to create a pretext for an attack of some nature on the UN, to force a capitulation on Federation terms. It is not an existential threat, it is a militarized bid for greater power in the solar system. The UN is in no danger of extinction, but it may be rendered irrelevant if the Federation gets its way.

"They appear to have overreached, or given their own enemies too much support without ensuring a way to shut the entire thing down if it got out of control. Under ordinary circumstances, I might be entertained by the rise of a new faction in solar politics, but I intend to make my retirement here, and I will be damned if some radical separatists are going to rule me at the end. I've dealt with their ilk for decades.

"After all, look at the answer to your final question. They have no tactics, no overall strategy. They are attacking a static force with no need to fear counterattack. They can continue to pressure the Federation forces, while resting their other elements. Simply, despite their crude weapons and outdated vehicles, there are enough machine guns to overcome a bunch of archaeologists and electricians.

"The only thing they have to ensure is that the Federation doesn't raise a militia from its remaining populace, and they accomplish that by inciting fear with their raids on civilians, the dome bombings. They are trying to terrorize the citizenry into not defending themselves."

He pauses, thinking for a moment, then chuckles. "It looks like I'm not the only one with a grudge. Whoever they put in charge of the rebel forces may have turned on them as well, and he or she is quite good. I'll have to arrange a meeting."

"Since you clearly know this Soman, I'd like to know more about him. Where he came from, what he was doing here, and most importantly, how he thinks. If the BFM has no real strategy, then maybe we can manipulate its leader instead. Also, I get the feeling that the Feds want to see him vaporized, preferably by their orbiting ships. Is he valuable? Would it be worth the effort to try capturing him?

"And...if you have any concieveable way of delaying or preventing the Feds from executing an orbital strike, I'd like to hear it. I'm worried that this might be a way for the Feds to "accidentally" destroy some of our TNE troops."

From: Operative Prof. Snark
To: UNIN Personnel
RE: Fred in orbit


I really do not like the idea of having an entire fleet waiting in orbit for the order to bomb Mars into oblivion. Is there any way we could possibly get them to back off? My espionage instincts tell me that this could be a trap: the Feds would "accidentally" launch an orbital strike on a UN position, destroying some of our valuable TNE troops.

Before this mess started, that idea would have stayed in the realms of paranoia. Now, though...it's a very real and very dangerous possibility.

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

TildeATH posted:

FROM: Grand Administrator TildeATH, Mistress of 14 Civilian Mining Operations
TO: Simpering United Nations Appeasers
SUBJECT: Simpering Appeasement


For God's sake, defend the freedom of these oppressed people trying to escape the tyranny of the vile Federation! Don't hand these poor, freed slaves back to their vile, French-smelling masters!! You can't believe Korbalev, he lies about everything. If it had been a video of a goat with a bag of Space Doritos he would have pretended to know that person and act like he was the only way to restore power.

Orbital bombardment is a crime against humanity, as is aiding and abetting an avowed enemy of our glorious United Nations.

Weren't you the loudest avocate for his release? Just saying.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Dr. Snark
Oct 15, 2012

I'M SORRY, OK!? I admit I've made some mistakes, and Jones has clearly paid for them.
...
But ma'am! Jones' only crime was looking at the wrong files!
...
I beg of you, don't ship away Jones, he has a wife and kids!

-United Nations Intelligence Service

From: Operative Dr. Snark
To: UNIN Command
RE: Orders


Considering the situation at hand, is there anything we agents should be doing while we're waiting for the reinforcements to show up? Or should we try to stay hidden and keep Korbalev safe? I'd like to have more official orders as soon as possible. Perhaps we could perform recon ops to help berryjon's incoming forces, although that is just a suggestion.

Bremen posted:

If I may slip in a point of analysis; most battleplans were drawn up with the idea of Earth as the battleground, where the thick atmosphere means that orbital bombardment can only consist of nuclear missiles. This means that both sides would suffer greatly from the collateral damage and radiation resulting from even a small bombardment.

Unlike Earth, though, Mars doesn't have much of an atmosphere. If the Feds have any high powered lasers or similar weapons on their warships they could probably take out the Brotherhood military with pinpoint orbital strikes. There would be some collateral damage, but not nearly as much, and it would be much harder to stop. Not only would it mean we couldn't intercept the strikes, but it would mean they wouldn't be expending their missile supply against other targets.

If this is true, then we need a way to get Fred's fleet out of attack range. Having them hovering right above our forces is simply too great of a risk for us.

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