Search Amazon.com:
Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«33 »
  • Post
  • Reply
bringmyfishback
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!

grumplestiltzkin posted:

Much the terribleness

These are the best stories.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

cuntvalet
Jan 9, 2010

~A Purely Preposterous Pussy~


I don't know why they bother making students fill out surveys about their living habits for university dorms. They ask things like...are you loud, do you stay up late, are you messy or clean, all of these sorts of questions.

I described myself as quiet; a night hawk who (at the time) was not the most organized person. I said I wasn't anti-social, but I was shy, and that I really liked sleep.

Who were the other four people I shared a dorm apartment with (thank god I had my own room)?

Kathy, the over ambitious alcoholic with anger problems.
Carry, the overly religious girl who basically fulfilled the role of 'bible thumper'.
Angela, who had a constant stream of boyfriends and had been engaged 3 times by the end of our first year of university.
Chrissy, the party girl, spoiled brat who was loud, whiny, and had never been on her own for more than a day, let alone a full year.

Tell me...where in those personality traits do ANY of these people (myself included) match?!

a dozen swans
Aug 24, 2012

Number of Lines: 4172
NIGHTCREWBESTCREW


cuntvalet posted:

I don't know why they bother making students fill out surveys about their living habits for university dorms. They ask things like...are you loud, do you stay up late, are you messy or clean, all of these sorts of questions.

I described myself as quiet; a night hawk who (at the time) was not the most organized person. I said I wasn't anti-social, but I was shy, and that I really liked sleep.

Who were the other four people I shared a dorm apartment with (thank god I had my own room)?

Kathy, the over ambitious alcoholic with anger problems.
Carry, the overly religious girl who basically fulfilled the role of 'bible thumper'.
Angela, who had a constant stream of boyfriends and had been engaged 3 times by the end of our first year of university.
Chrissy, the party girl, spoiled brat who was loud, whiny, and had never been on her own for more than a day, let alone a full year.

Tell me...where in those personality traits do ANY of these people (myself included) match?!



From what I've heard, they're not trying to get you to match, they're going for one-of-each (with the exception of "study floors", of which there may be one or two, and religious-reasons gender-segregated floors). It's a gestalt thing, apparently.

Phy
Jun 27, 2008

ZWAP ZWAP ZWAP


Vagueabond posted:

From what I've heard, they're not trying to get you to match, they're going for one-of-each (with the exception of "study floors", of which there may be one or two, and religious-reasons gender-segregated floors). It's a gestalt thing, apparently.



What, like they merge to form Freshmanator?

bringmyfishback
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!

cuntvalet posted:

I don't know why they bother making students fill out surveys about their living habits for university dorms. They ask things like...are you loud, do you stay up late, are you messy or clean, all of these sorts of questions.

I described myself as quiet; a night hawk who (at the time) was not the most organized person. I said I wasn't anti-social, but I was shy, and that I really liked sleep.

Who were the other four people I shared a dorm apartment with (thank god I had my own room)?

Kathy, the over ambitious alcoholic with anger problems.
Carry, the overly religious girl who basically fulfilled the role of 'bible thumper'.
Angela, who had a constant stream of boyfriends and had been engaged 3 times by the end of our first year of university.
Chrissy, the party girl, spoiled brat who was loud, whiny, and had never been on her own for more than a day, let alone a full year.

Tell me...where in those personality traits do ANY of these people (myself included) match?!



I said "loud, social, night owl, sleeps with music on, doesn't like the following music: pop, rap, country" all of which were either/or questions on the residence assignment sheet.

My freshman year roommate (not Roomie) got up at 5 every day, listened to Hanson like it wasn't loving 2003, hated everyone and refused to make friends, was never awake at night, and complained every time I slept with music on, even though she couldn't hear it from her separate room.

She's a stinkyhole.

Guesticles
Dec 21, 2009

I AM CURRENTLY JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MUTILATED FEMALE CORPSES, IT'S ALL VERY DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED BUT IT'S JUST TOO FUCKING HIGHBROW FOR YOU NON-MISOGYNISTS TO UNDERSTAND

P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT


grumplestiltzkin posted:

He did make the mistake of bringing a laptop on his first underway, but aside from that he didn't have anything that he couldn't, its just that he didn't have things that he should. And is enough to get the dolphins embroidered onto like 4 uniforms.

Sorry, looks like I lost my train of thought. "What did he pack that he couldn't have space for aleast 4 uniforms?"

Rexides
Jul 25, 2011



grumplestiltzkin posted:

full length, sleeveless demin tenchcoat.

I refuse to believe that such a thing even exists. GIS didn't bring up anything, was it custom made?

Edit:vvvvvvvv Yeah, but sleeveless?

Rexides fucked around with this message at Sep 24, 2012 around 13:57

Jesus Toast
Sep 30, 2005



Rexides posted:

I refuse to believe that such a thing even exists. GIS didn't bring up anything, was it custom made?



GIS brought up mostly women's styles, but it's a thing.

Calico Heart
Mar 22, 2012

"wich the worst part was what troll face did to sonic's corpse after words wich was rape it. at that point i looked away"


I'm sure this one is really very tame compared to everyone elses wonderful stories, but I felt like 'd give it a go anyway.

Last year I had roommates who were... Well, one of them was really very sensitive, let's call her Jenna, and the other kind of enabled that. We'll call him Pete. It was pretty obvious they were "secretly" screwing - they would spend all their time together and baby talk each other (in public. loving constantly), which got on everyones nerves.

The day we moved in, for instance, the washing machine had stopped working. Jenna came in my room and asked what we should do. I said we could phone the landlord the next morning as it was too late now. We had just moved in and had plenty of clean clothes anyway. She asked if I was sure, to which I said "Don't worry, it's not a big deal". A few minutes later, Pete came in and asked if I had made Jenna cry. Okay, that's a pretty awful thing to accuse me of, but apparently she was in her room bawling her eyes out. After Pete when in and talked to her (for what must have been at least fourty minutes), he came in and spoke to me. It turns out this minor inconvinience was just too much for Jenna, and she was collapsing in on herself due to the stress of living alone. Over a malfunctioning washing machine.

I should have taken that as a warning signal, because as it would turn out I'd be walking on eggshells for the next year.

Oh, as it turns out I looked at the washing machine and it was just some gunk in the filter.

FoxxorTheRed
Jun 13, 2011

Life is full of twicky decisions...


Calico Heart posted:

I'm sure this one is really very tame compared to everyone elses wonderful stories, but I felt like 'd give it a go anyway.

Last year I had roommates who were... Well, one of them was really very sensitive, let's call her Jenna, and the other kind of enabled that. We'll call him Pete. It was pretty obvious they were "secretly" screwing - they would spend all their time together and baby talk each other (in public. loving constantly), which got on everyones nerves.

The day we moved in, for instance, the washing machine had stopped working. Jenna came in my room and asked what we should do. I said we could phone the landlord the next morning as it was too late now. We had just moved in and had plenty of clean clothes anyway. She asked if I was sure, to which I said "Don't worry, it's not a big deal". A few minutes later, Pete came in and asked if I had made Jenna cry. Okay, that's a pretty awful thing to accuse me of, but apparently she was in her room bawling her eyes out. After Pete when in and talked to her (for what must have been at least fourty minutes), he came in and spoke to me. It turns out this minor inconvinience was just too much for Jenna, and she was collapsing in on herself due to the stress of living alone. Over a malfunctioning washing machine.

I should have taken that as a warning signal, because as it would turn out I'd be walking on eggshells for the next year.

Oh, as it turns out I looked at the washing machine and it was just some gunk in the filter.

I would have jumped ship right then and there. It would only be more ridiculous if she then cried all the next day because she felt bad because you were confronted about making her cry.

sweeperbravo
May 18, 2012



Jesus Toast posted:



GIS brought up mostly women's styles, but it's a thing.

I'm dumb and thought that grumplestiltzkin had misspelled "demon," like there was an embroidered devil on the back or something.

TheGreySpectre
Sep 18, 2012

You let the wolves in. Why would you do that?

My last semester in college I was living in an on campus apartment with a friend of mine. Another friend had just graduated leaving us with one spare room. We didn't really try to fill it as we both only had another few months and figured how bad could a random roommate be...turns out pretty bad.

Our new roomate was a slob. He never did his dishes or cleaned up after himself. He took the trash, but only out of his room and into the hall. At first we figured he was just going to take it out the dumpster the next he went out, but no. Slowly the trash started piling up, by the end of semester he had accumualted a pile of trash big enough to fill a dumpster, the pile was taller then I was (around 6-7 feet tall) and just as big in diameter. I suppose I could have taken out his trash, but I just gave up. I took to locking myself in my room as a sanctuary against the rest of the apartment.

When it came to the bathroom, our roommate never turned on the fan. Normally for most people this wouldn't be a huge deal. Our roommate took the foulest smelling craps though on a regular basis. He would then shut the door and leave and you would enter into a bathroom that smelled far worse then the worst outhouse I have ever been in. The door was almost never locked either, it was always shut with the light on whether he was in there or not. The last thing I need to see what I get back from the lab at midnight is a fat man having diarrhea. I say almost never locked, because when he did lock the door it was on his way out of the bathroom so that the bathroom was locked with no one in it.

Last but not least the man ruined bacon for me. Every night he would cook copious amounts of bacon. Generally though he would burn the bacon so our apartment constantly smelled like bacon and I now associate bacon with wanting to punch a man in the face.

Perhaps not as bad as many of you who have had to deal with horders, druggies, thieves and whatnot, but I still hated that guy.

Patchwork Shaman
Dec 25, 2011


sweeperbravo posted:

I'm dumb and thought that grumplestiltzkin had misspelled "demon," like there was an embroidered devil on the back or something.

I wasn't sure if he'd misspelled "denim" or "demon", and the fact that he described the guy as "goonlord.jpg" didn't really narrow it down either way.

grumplestiltzkin
Jun 7, 2012


Derp, yeah I meant denim.

The Tale of Bird-dick

Admittedly, this one is stretching it a bit, since its more of a story of a guy being generally worthless, but everyone on a sub is roommates for a few months at a time, so screw it because its funny. Edit note: Little longer than I intended, and not funny up until right at the very end. tl;dr at the bottom.

The first day you show up to report to your first boat is sort of intimidating. You're walking around the whole time thinking "Holy poo poo I'm on a goddamn warship this is loving awesome holy poo poo yes." The entire day is spent being introduced to new people, and having them either try to make you nervous by telling you scary/weird poo poo, or being introduced to cool people that are eager to pass on useful information. So after a few hours of people telling me that underways are they worst thing ever, and other people giving me useful tips, imagine my surprise when someone asks me if I like anime. This isn't something I was prepared to hear, to say the least. The dude was normal looking; looked almost like a dudebro if anything. My brain just sorta sat there spinning its wheels trying to figure out if this was a trap or if I was being approached by an undercover weeaboo or something. Before I can think of something to say, the guy chuckles and says something along the lines of:

"Look, I don't care if you do or not; its cool if you do. But if you meet a guy named Burdick, he WILL ask you if you like anime. Regardless of whether you do or not, do not tell him you like anime. Trust me."

Ok, so thats weird. So I continue about my day, filling out paperwork, meeting my division, etc. After lunch, I go up topside and head onto the pier to smoke. While I'm standing there enjoying my post meal ciggy, I hear a voice behind me. A voice that, without even turning around, I know belongs to a loving dork. You can say all you want about not judging a book by its cover, but sometimes you meet someone and you just loving know, you know? So thats what this kid sounded like. I can't think of a good way to describe it, but imagine a combo of the crackly voiced teen from The Simpsons and Comicbook Guy.

So, you're the new guy?
Uh.... yeah?
So... do you like anime?
...No.

I just walked away after that. Wasnt gonna get sucked into that poo poo. Apparently the guy who tipped me off did me a huge favor, because if you say yes, he will not shut up about anime. This kid used to walk around in a kimono, and his barracks room was covered in various anime posters.* So now you get an idea of how weird this kid is.

What I haven't mentioned yet, is how loving useless he was. He had been on the boat for over a year at the point I showed up, and still had not qualified submarines yet (the previously mentioned dolphins from the last story), which is a HUGE deal, since its supposed to take less than 10 months. He also was not qualified a single at sea or in port watchstation. He was also not qualified to do maintenance. Basically, people realized that he was useless, and had given up on him, and were just waiting for him to hit some of the hard date requirements for quals so they could kick him off the sub and into the surface fleet.

Cut a few months forward, and we're in a pretty bad spot as a boat. A lot of things had gone wrong back to back, to the point where the captain and several other high ranking members were fired. So theres shitloads of outside observation on us, so everything has to be perfect all the time. One afternoon, the commander of all the boats in our homeport (commodore, for those with nautical term boners) decides he's going to inspect our boat. Personally. Before lunch, he starts going through the ship, and while he's in one of the engineering spaces, he opens a locker, and finds a bag of doritos. Cooler ranch, before anyone asks. Wanna guess who they belonged to? Thats right, Burdick.

This is what as known as A Very loving Bad Thing Indeed. Food is not allowed in engineering spaces at all. Its a major violation of several health and safety rules, and was just discovered by the commodore. So now he decides that we're going to empty every single locker onto the boat, and he's going to watch as we repack every single one. You know, to make sure that theres no contraband in them. He leaves for an hour to give us time to fix (ie hide) anything, and the entire crew is now forced to go through every single inch of the boat, hiding all there little side projects, and making sure everything is loving spotless.

While this is going on, my barracks roommate (who is in the same division as Burdick) gets back to the boat from a medical appointment, and finds his chief to let him know he's back, and to join the locker insanity fun. My roommate, realizing that this is A Very Bad Thing Indeed, asks his chief how Burdick got the day off.

Silence. loving absolute silence descends on everyone who was close enough to hear the question. See, Burdick had a habit of stashing snacks, so while nobody knew the bag was there, as soon as we found it we knew whose it was. So now we;re finding out that the man that caused the problem wasnt helping to fix it.

turns out my roommate saw Burdick leaving base as he was coming back. Burdick had just decided he didnt feel like working any more that day, and decided to leave after lunch. My roommate was then asked to make a sworn statement to having met Burdick and the time he saw him.

Two weeks later Burdick was getting kicked out of the navy, without any benefits other than a plane ticket home.

tl;dr Shitbag fucks over an entire boat, then dips out on helping fix his own fuckup, and ends up getting a years worth of stored hate-loving unleashed on him at once.

*I dont have a problem with anime (who doesnt love Cowboy Bebop) per se, be jesus dude, its a loving cartoon

grumplestiltzkin fucked around with this message at Sep 25, 2012 around 09:39

Calico Heart
Mar 22, 2012

"wich the worst part was what troll face did to sonic's corpse after words wich was rape it. at that point i looked away"


I was in the mood for a good boat story. I wish that asterisk lead somewhere though

bringmyfishback
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!

Calico Heart posted:

I was in the mood for a good boat story. I wish that asterisk lead somewhere though

If it makes you feel better, I imagined Pete and Jenna from your last story as the characters on 30 Rock, and it made it even funnier.

The Lord Bude
May 23, 2007

I'M DISAPPOINTED THAT CORTANA WILL BE A CIRCLE AND NOT THE ACTUAL SEXY WOMAN FROM THE GAME.


cuntvalet posted:

I don't know why they bother making students fill out surveys about their living habits for university dorms. They ask things like...are you loud, do you stay up late, are you messy or clean, all of these sorts of questions.

I described myself as quiet; a night hawk who (at the time) was not the most organized person. I said I wasn't anti-social, but I was shy, and that I really liked sleep.

Who were the other four people I shared a dorm apartment with (thank god I had my own room)?

Kathy, the over ambitious alcoholic with anger problems.
Carry, the overly religious girl who basically fulfilled the role of 'bible thumper'.
Angela, who had a constant stream of boyfriends and had been engaged 3 times by the end of our first year of university.
Chrissy, the party girl, spoiled brat who was loud, whiny, and had never been on her own for more than a day, let alone a full year.

Tell me...where in those personality traits do ANY of these people (myself included) match?!



When you put together an RPG party, do you build a party of four fighters? no; you build a balanced party with a fighter, a rogue, a wizard and a cleric. They have applied the same logic here.

cuntvalet
Jan 9, 2010

~A Purely Preposterous Pussy~


The Lord Bude posted:

When you put together an RPG party, do you build a party of four fighters? no; you build a balanced party with a fighter, a rogue, a wizard and a cleric. They have applied the same logic here.

And that logic lead not to epic middle-earthian adventures. It lead to a trashed dorm, two suicidal students, another who threatened to disembowel another one, a broken door knob and a lot of hatred and very little sleep. And a lung infection.

That's prime logic, right there!

Sociopastry
Apr 7, 2010

HOTT TO POTT

The Lord Bude posted:

When you put together an RPG party, do you build a party of four fighters? no; you build a balanced party with a fighter, a rogue, a wizard and a cleric. They have applied the same logic here.

Obviously you've never played the glory that is the dwarven crotch puncher brigade.

cuntvalet
Jan 9, 2010

~A Purely Preposterous Pussy~


NerdyNautilusGirl posted:

Obviously you've never played the glory that is the dwarven crotch puncher brigade.

Excuse my ignorance but...is...is that a real thing? I can't live in a world where it isn't...!

The Lord Bude
May 23, 2007

I'M DISAPPOINTED THAT CORTANA WILL BE A CIRCLE AND NOT THE ACTUAL SEXY WOMAN FROM THE GAME.


cuntvalet posted:

And that logic lead not to epic middle-earthian adventures. It lead to a trashed dorm, two suicidal students, another who threatened to disembowel another one, a broken door knob and a lot of hatred and very little sleep. And a lung infection.

That's prime logic, right there!

It's not their fault you guys kept failing so many dice rolls.

Sociopastry
Apr 7, 2010

HOTT TO POTT

Yes. Fistybeard and his stout dwarven kin saved the world by punching everyone in the crotch and perfecting the dorf-o-pult. My group is best group.

Chantilly Say
Apr 18, 2008

Coup.


grumplestiltzkin posted:

The Tale of Bird-dick

[...]

Cut a few months forward, and we're in a pretty bad spot as a boat. A lot of things had gone wrong back to back, to the point where the captain and several other high ranking members were fired. So theres shitloads of outside observation on us, so everything has to be perfect all the time.

And--if I've guessed right what boat you were on--after you dumped Burdick the boat got its poo poo in order. Maybe he was what was holding you back.

BrigadierSensible
Feb 16, 2012

Babies burp and flowers bloom.


As a non military person myself, I always thought that the military was supposed to INSTILL discipline. i.e. You may walk in a neckbeard who can't/wont do his own laundry or tie his own shoes, but you get that poo poo trained/beaten out of you.

How do guys like Burdick et al. make it so far in the services without either getting their arses kicked or getting fired?

P.S. For content, the only bad roommate story I have is that I lived with a girl in a wheelchair who was physically incapable of going to the toilet unassisted. So she wore nappies. And she rarely threw out said nappies, so that when she did, she had an entire garbage bag full of them. Sometimes I can still smell that garbage bag.

Also, ants.

mllaneza
Apr 28, 2007

Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force, 1993-1952

BrigadierSensible posted:

How do guys like Burdick et al. make it so far in the services without either getting their arses kicked or getting fired?

Remember how the captain of the boat in question got fired ? And a bunch of the senior officers ?

grumplestiltzkin
Jun 7, 2012


BrigadierSensible posted:

As a non military person myself, I always thought that the military was supposed to INSTILL discipline. i.e. You may walk in a neckbeard who can't/wont do his own laundry or tie his own shoes, but you get that poo poo trained/beaten out of you.

How do guys like Burdick et al. make it so far in the services without either getting their arses kicked or getting fired?

They definately make their best effort to kick the neckbeard out of you, but some guys (very, very rare) basically just assume theyre perfect. Any time anyone yells at/tries to teach them, they just assume theyre being persecuted for whatever reason (for burdick, it was OBVIOUSLY because a bunch of baka gaijin like us were jealous of his superior japanese animation hobbies). So anything you say to them, even if youre being nice, is interpreted as condescending/rude, and they ignore you.

Calico Heart posted:

I was in the mood for a good boat story. I wish that asterisk lead somewhere though

Oh god, I've dishonored my family. Forgiveness, prease. (only 50% joking)

The Lord Bude
May 23, 2007

I'M DISAPPOINTED THAT CORTANA WILL BE A CIRCLE AND NOT THE ACTUAL SEXY WOMAN FROM THE GAME.


grumplestiltzkin posted:

They definately make their best effort to kick the neckbeard out of you, but some guys (very, very rare) basically just assume theyre perfect. Any time anyone yells at/tries to teach them, they just assume theyre being persecuted for whatever reason (for burdick, it was OBVIOUSLY because a bunch of baka gaijin like us were jealous of his superior japanese animation hobbies). So anything you say to them, even if youre being nice, is interpreted as condescending/rude, and they ignore you.


Oh god, I've dishonored my family. Forgiveness, prease. (only 50% joking)

Yet you still haven't either formally revoked the asterisk or shown us where it leads

Guesticles
Dec 21, 2009

I AM CURRENTLY JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MUTILATED FEMALE CORPSES, IT'S ALL VERY DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED BUT IT'S JUST TOO FUCKING HIGHBROW FOR YOU NON-MISOGYNISTS TO UNDERSTAND

P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT


BrigadierSensible posted:

As a non military person myself, I always thought that the military was supposed to INSTILL discipline. i.e. You may walk in a neckbeard who can't/wont do his own laundry or tie his own shoes, but you get that poo poo trained/beaten out of you.

Sometimes this happens, but not always.

Some people just have a genetic need to gently caress up. This poo poo has a bit of "you need to be there", but since barracksmate stories are allowed, let me tell you the tales of Private Rooster.

Just a forewarning, this is no where near as awesome as grumplestiltzkin's stories.

These are from Army Basic Training (BCT) circa 2005.

Army or Jail, and you chose wrong. Or: buy one basic training, get one free.

Private Rooster (not his real name, but part of his last name sounded unfortunately close to slang for manbits.) at first seemed like an incredibly squared away guy. Out of 28 guys, he was the only person who was able to make his bed to military standards the first time around (and within the allowable time). He had his locker set up, everything folded properly. He was asked if his dad was a drill instructor or something.

Turns out Rooster enlistment wasn't entirely voluntary. He had a long list of hooliganism back in his home state (Texas) and had finally gotten busted for assault and underage consumption when he was 17. He was sent to a private boot camp program (which his parents paid for) for two months until he turned 18, where he would have the choice of joining the army or going to jail. (Lawyer Goons: This is the story as was told to us, and I'm not sure if its true, or exactly how this sort of thing is arranged legally)

This was the first warning Rooster had a genetic need to be a gently caress up at random times. Which we had some other gently caress ups (and I did my share of loving up as well ) but Rooster would just be going about his business, and make a conscious decision to go do something stupid. You know he knew better, or could do better, but would do it anyway. Talk back to the drill sergeants, decide to do laundry when it wasn't our turn to do laundry, try to pull firewatch in shower shoes, trying to pass sprite off for water... most of it is was pretty minor stuff that you'd need to have been through BCT to appreciate. The drill sergeants also knew he knew better, and so would come down harder than normal.

You might wonder what the big deal is. But in BCT, if one member of your platoon fucks up, you've all hosed up, and so you all get to spend the next 20 minutes doing push-ups while contemplating your failure to keep your fellow solider from doing something stupid.

Rooster did have some odd behaviors that didn't result in helping us get bulging biceps. The most notable is below.

High speed, low drag does not mean your junk
I was in training for communications (geeks with guns ), and unlike normal communications training, our BCT was no co-ed*. So there are zero ladies to impress (well, other than Tanya**).

But, every night, Rooster would get into the showers as quickly as possible, and would stay there until lights out. He would then proceed to sing lovely indy rock songs and shave his entire body (he had been a singer in various bands back in Texas and was a pretty good singer, the songs he chose to sing just sucked). Including his junk. Especially his junk. Apparently he shaved his junk twice in the same shower at least occasionally.

Rooster corrects another soldier about girl's jeans.

There's not much to this one. Rooster apparently wore girl's jeans. Which I'd not really comment on, except there's a bit of when two girls from the company are talking about clothes, only for Rooster to jump in and correct them.
(Specifically, the fit of two different makers of lady's jeans).

It also dovetails nicely with...

No one asked, but Rooster decides he's telling

Some of Roosters gently caress ups in BCT might be excused to the fact he'd done private bootcamp he'd done before he actually came to the army. Its not a very fun environment to be in, and I can see going a little stir crazy.

But Rooster had made it through private bootcamp and BCT, and made it to the next stage in training, AIT. Our AIT was long, so after about 3 weeks in AIT, you start to get privileges (you can eat junk food again, you can leave the company area without explicit permission). After 6 weeks, you start having weekends again. After 9 weeks, you can actually go off base, wear normal clothing when not on duty, and have electronic devices like cell phones.

For some reason after about 8 weeks in AIT, after we'd been through the worst of it and have started to get privileges, Rooster decides he's had enough of the army and wants out. And he decides the best way to do this was to claim he's come down with a case of cock fever, and used said girls jeans to help make his case.

Its possible Rooster was actually gay. And if he actually is/was, I'll feel retroactively sort of bad. But given the guy's long history of needing to self sabotage, I think he just needed to do something stupid. Or maybe he just needed to complete BCT to get out of going to jail back home.

In either case, he was gone in a few weeks (mainly for refusal to continue training), back to Texas and no job prospects.

Bonus story: Saving Private Raymond (from himself)

Rooster only felt the need to gently caress up on occasion. There was someone (in another platoon, thank God) who felt the need to turn loving up to an art form. That was Private Raymond.

Here are some of the things Private Raymond did:

1) Attempt to take food back to the barracks.
2) When told to drop, always go to the 6 point pushup postion (more widely known as "girlie pushups")
3) Refuse to do things the way he was told, by saying pretty much that.
4) Refuse to shower.
5) Refuse to shave.
6) Call his mother. From the Battalion Commander's phone. In the Commanders office. After locking the door. And keeping the door locked, despite said Commander pounding on it.
7) After some how not receiving any significant disciplinary action for 6, was given a bus ticket home and a cab was called to take him to the station; for the past 2 weeks, this had been what he'd wanted most in life. 3 hours later, Raymond shows up again, in the back of a military police car. He has been busted trying shoplift some gameboy DS games.
He did not own a DS.

*if anyone is actually curious I'll explain this.

** Tanya worked in the dining hall as one of the people who put your food on your tray. Towards the end of BCT, one of the guys forgot to lock his locker. Not locking your locker resulted in drill sergeant tossing your poo poo on the floor (and god help you if you had contraband). While tossing poo poo on the floor, he noticed a phone number. Tanya's phone number.

We were then told about a soldier in the previous class. When you graduate from BCT, you're usually released to your family/parents/wife after the ceremony. Well, this soldier's mom couldn't find him, and asked where he might be. A search turned up this soldier in the parking lot. In a car. In Tanya.

(we were then told that if anyone's mom couldn't find them, and that person was found having sex with Tanya (or anyone) in the parking lot, our family day would be canceled, and we'd be brought back to the barracks and do push-ups until the buses to our AITs arrived the next day)

Guesticles fucked around with this message at Sep 25, 2012 around 11:37

grumplestiltzkin
Jun 7, 2012


The Lord Bude posted:

Yet you still haven't either formally revoked the asterisk or shown us where it leads

uh, did too?

Guesticles posted:

1) Attempt to take food back to the barracks.
2) When told to drop, always go to the 6 point pushup postion (more widely known as "girlie pushups")
3) Refuse to do things the way he was told, by saying pretty much that.
4) Refuse to shower.
5) Refuse to shave.
6) Call his mother. From the Battalion Commander's phone. In the Commanders office. After locking the door. And keeping the door locked, despite said Commander pounding on it.
7) After some how not receiving any significant disciplinary action for 6, was given a bus ticket home and a cab was called to take him to the station; for the past 2 weeks, this had been what he'd wanted most in life. 3 hours later, Raymond shows up again, in the back of a military police car. He has been busted trying shoplift some gameboy DS games.
He did not own a DS.

I mean, seriously, Worst we had was a couple of recruits get busted in a big "you look out for me while i make out with female recruits, then I look out for you" deal that got a few people sent back a couple weeks in training.

Navy boot camp isnt hard, its just tedious and loving boring as all hell (much like being in the actual navy) so thats worse than it sounds like. It WAS funny, however, to see how many people sat around in off time talking about how much they missed getting high, especially since you get hounded for the first week to admit to premilitary drug use.

Guesticles
Dec 21, 2009

I AM CURRENTLY JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MUTILATED FEMALE CORPSES, IT'S ALL VERY DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED BUT IT'S JUST TOO FUCKING HIGHBROW FOR YOU NON-MISOGYNISTS TO UNDERSTAND

P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT


grumplestiltzkin posted:

I mean, seriously, Worst we had was a couple of recruits get busted in a big "you look out for me while i make out with female recruits, then I look out for you" deal that got a few people sent back a couple weeks in training.

Yeah, the night after he locked a LTC out of his office was... interesting, but it really only lasted (for our platoon) just that night. In AIT I saw a few guys from his platoon, and they told me we only saw tip of the iceberg*. Raymond was made to sit out the rest of basic in the "wash out" platoon (where they sent you if you Refused to Train, in hopes you'd change your mind), and then went home, presumably with one of the the other RTT's made to watch over him so he didn't shoplift again... at least until he was off base.

And then two weeks later they busted the wash out platoon's candy stash and found their supplier in first platoon.

*Which reminds me, I forgot one:
Someone in Private Raymond's platoon managed to sneak their cell phone past the initial contraband check. Private Raymond noted where this cell phone was hidden, and one day, left in the barracks because he refused to train, he went and got it out and called someone. His drill sergeant wasn't going to that training, and was watching the company area that day, and came back to find Raymond on a cellphone.
Raymond, instead of claiming it was his like a decent human being, ratted out the owner. The drill sergeant then had Private Raymond put the cellphone back where he'd found it.

When everyone got back from training, that drill sergeant let everyone know he'd found a cell phone with the help of Private Raymond, and he was going to give them 60 seconds to put that cellphone on the "example bunk" in the center of the room, or he was going to have half of everyone's paycheck and make it a personal mission to make sure everyone in the platoon contracted Rhabdo if it wasn't there when he returned.

When drill sergeant returned 60 seconds later, there were 3 cell phones on the bunk.

PassTheRemote
Mar 15, 2007

Climb
Climb
Climb to the top of the world
And as you stand tall
You will see...
That when you fall...
You will fall from a height
Most men will never reach!

My God, these stories.

I'm tempted to post mine, but I'm not even sure who was the awful roommate in the stories: my roommate/landlord or me.

Maniac Pahis
Nov 3, 2010


IceDragon posted:

My God, these stories.

I'm tempted to post mine, but I'm not even sure who was the awful roommate in the stories: my roommate/landlord or me.

Better tell them both just to be safe.

Guesticles
Dec 21, 2009

I AM CURRENTLY JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MUTILATED FEMALE CORPSES, IT'S ALL VERY DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED BUT IT'S JUST TOO FUCKING HIGHBROW FOR YOU NON-MISOGYNISTS TO UNDERSTAND

P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT


IceDragon posted:

My God, these stories.

I'm tempted to post mine, but I'm not even sure who was the awful roommate in the stories: my roommate/landlord or me.

Don't think.

Anoia
Dec 31, 2003

Sooner or later, every curse is a prayer.


Funny, back when I played Warcraft there was this guy who said he was stationed in Afghanistan, but he was online all the loving time, and would only occassionally post poo poo like "afk sirens" during raids. I used to think he was full of poo poo, because no way would the army let someone in a drat warzone play WoW that much.

Thanks to these stories of dorks remaining against all odds, I'm starting to think he was telling the truth, but he was one of those guys.

Diesel_Doc
Sep 25, 2010


Guesticles posted:

he was going to have half of everyone's paycheck and make it a personal mission to make sure everyone in the platoon contracted Rhabdo if it wasn't there when he returned.

There is something both horrifying and hilarious about a drill sergeant making you do so many push-ups that you piss your own muscles.

The Black Stones
May 7, 2007

COMPUTERS!
COMPUTERS!
YAAAAAAAAY!

I didn't have any really awful roomates really, and at some points I was the awful roomate (got drunk, vomited, one of the guys we lived with ended up cleaning it up as I passed out. He stiffed me on the bills though so I don't feel to bad about it). However, there is one story that I tell people that always has them going "Why the gently caress did your roomate do that?"

So what happened was that I had recently purchased a case of burger patties (around 30 I think) so we could enjoy grilling up some burgers every now and then. Well, very shortly after that I went to grab some bread I had in the freezer, and in order to get to the bread I had to remove the burgers. What I failed to do however, was to to place the burgers back in the freezer, and I had left for work and so they were now just sitting out there.

I come back home from work to find my friend cooking up ALL THE BURGERS on a lovely stove top pan, yelling at me about how I ruined the burgers because I left them out and they had defrosted and so could not be refrozen, gently caress I don't even remember the crazy reason he had for that. Germs or something. He ruined it anyway because the meat tasted like poo poo cooked that way especially after resuing the same pan for all the burgers. Needless to say we tossed it all out because they tasted terrible. He never even bothered to call me, his plan was just "WHELP COOK EM ALL, he ruined them so he shouldn't be mad"

Guesticles
Dec 21, 2009

I AM CURRENTLY JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF MUTILATED FEMALE CORPSES, IT'S ALL VERY DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED BUT IT'S JUST TOO FUCKING HIGHBROW FOR YOU NON-MISOGYNISTS TO UNDERSTAND

P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT


Diesel_Doc posted:

There is something both horrifying and hilarious about a drill sergeant making you do so many push-ups that you piss your own muscles.

Actually, there's a non-zero chance that he would have made good on that promise; DS King was a scary mother fucker who enjoyed every day he was a drill sergeant.

Fun fact, we did have someone in the platoon come down with a case of Rhado (from that platoon). The fun part is how it was discovered he had it. Dude ran full tilt into one of those removable iron posts; his explanation was he "didn't see it". Well, while at the clinic to make sure he didn't rupture his balls, they discovered he had a rather advanced case of Rhabdo.

He was gone a few days later, off to a couple of months of the best physical rehabilitation tax payer dollars can buy.

fake edit:
Jesus gently caress, someone post some roommate stories before I get this thread moved to GiP.

Rexides
Jul 25, 2011



Well, barracks and ships are environments were a lot of people are forced to live close together, and coupled with the stress of military life it can lead to a lot of this kind of stories. I was not enlisted in the army, I was actually a conscript (Greek male mandatory service ), which means that the people I got to live with ranged from 18 year old drug users to 30 year old doctors. And no one chose to be there.

This of course resulted in innumerable gently caress-ups by everyone, including things I did intentionally (even though I was considered a model soldier by the officers), too many to count. I think the highlights was a soldier managing to bent his G3 rifle by jamming it between the instruments and floor shell holders of an M109A1 howitzer and turning the tower, and another one trying to drive one of those things into the motor pool, but instead bringing the gate down.

Oh, and there was also that chronic masturbator I mentioned earlier in the thread (the one that put me to sleep by the gentle rocking of his wanking). Holy poo poo, was he a gently caress-up. I will call him Larry, because he was the spitting image of Larry Laffer, even down to trying to score with any woman he notices by lying about himself (his favorite lie is that he is an actor, he uses that on foreign girls obviously). And he is also an idiot. I mean downright why-is-this-person-assigned-a-rifle idiot.

During basic, he managed to get his platoon in trouble by shaking his junk over a sleeping soldier on a dare. The first thing he told our lieutenant when we were assigned to our unit after basic (yes, I had the honor of serving nearly all my time with him), was to complain that his cum was watery and that he could not enjoy jerking off. He was sure that they put libido-reducing drugs in our food (he asked a cook about this once, and that guy confirmed it by putting cinnamon from an unlabeled bag). He masturbated each and every night in his bunk, depositing his business on a filthy towel he always kept close. He was always the last to wake up and make his bed, and always got in trouble for that. When we were given our rifles, he proceeded to take his and just wander around the base, despite our supervising officer telling us to explicitly not do that just a few minutes earlier. He once bought a protable TV/DVD player (looked like a paraplegic laptop), but he didn't quite like it that much, so he bought ANOTHER. That one was confiscated by our lieutenant because he had enough of his poo poo, but Larry found the hiding place and replaced it with his lovely TV (yeah, he was crafty). Before that though, he was caught by the base commander loafing during guard duty with his rifle left against a wall, because he just couldn't get his mind off his confiscated TV. After the commander was done yelling, Larry asked me (I was manning the fuel pump nearby) if I remembered what punishment he was given. He couldn't even pay attention to a furious officer yelling at him at point blank range because of that TV.

And those are the things I could remember just off the top of my head.

Budget Bears
Feb 7, 2011

I had never seen anyone make sweet love to a banjo like this before.


Welp, after last night I think I have enough of a godawful roommate story for this thread. However it's about my best friend's roommate, not my own; hope that's okay.

So my best friend and her boyfriend (another one of my best friends) live with this crazy couple they found on craigslist. By "crazy" I mean that, until recently, they were just super neurotic, fought all the time, would yell at my best friend for leaving water droplets in the bathroom sink after she washed her hands, wouldn't let my friends put their pots and pans in the spacious kitchen because they "didn't match." Harmless nutty poo poo like that.

My friends are moving out on October 1st because their roommates decided they didn't like them and, rather than giving them a full 30 days notice, told them about two weeks ago that they had to be out by the 1st. My friends were annoyed and stressed but found a new place.

So, this is their last few days at the current place. They invited me over to spend the night cuz they've been stressed and they just wanted to hang out and play video games all night and poo poo. I come in, go straight to their room with them, we don't bother the roommates at all because they are batshit insane.

Not 10 minutes go by and they call my friends out of the room for a talk. I stay in the room. Immediately I hear the roommates yelling, "Get your loving FRIEND out of our loving HOUSE RIGHT loving NOW!" My friends are totally perplexed because I barely know these roommates, but I have never been anything but courteous to them - gently caress, I gave them a last-minute ride to the hospital once and they never even uttered a "thank you." But they are on all sorts of drugs so I suspect that they don't even remember that I was the one who did that for them.

More yelling. "This is OUR HOUSE and you CANNOT HAVE YOUR loving FRIENDS OVER!"
"But," one of my friends replies, "we're...paying half the rent? And this has never been a problem before...?"
"You're a little loving bitch! Get the gently caress out of our house! Get your loving friend out of our house!"
"Why?!"
"If you don't get your friend out we're not giving you back your deposit!"
"That doesn't make any-"
And then I hear a THUD.
And my best friend's voice goes, "What the gently caress?!"
Then I hear more thuds, sounds of struggle. My friends barge back into the bedroom and lock the door. From the living room we hear the female roommate scream, "I'M CALLING THE loving COPS!"

My friend is holding her head and going, "She threw a shoe at me! Jesus Christ, she threw a huge loving boot at my head!"

Turns out the roommate didn't call the cops, so we did. The cops come out, tell this lady off and basically say, "We have your address memorized, stop being so loving insane because we literally get a domestic disturbance report from you like once every two weeks." The cops are completely on our side and tell her that she can't just arbitrarily enforce weird rules like "no friends" on someone who is paying half of the rent, unless she has some kind of legal document drawn up that states that rule.

Does the rational objectivity of the police officer make her realize the err of her ways?

Nope!

We go back into the bedroom and moments later, this crazy bitch is banging on the bedroom door and screaming, "I'LL loving KILL HER! LITTLE loving stinkyhole! I'LL KILL YOU! I DON'T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL! I'LL PUT YOU IN YOUR GRAVE!"

She's screaming about losing her kid. She has a 4 year old son who she hits, and who is developmentally hosed up because his dumbass mom decided it wasn't important to stop doing meth while she was pregnant with him. He only lives with her some of the time because the court doesn't want to give her full custody because she's loving crazy. So she is screaming at my friends about how if she loses her kid, it's their fault, and if she loses her kid, she will find them and kill them.

She keeps screaming and banging on the door for a while. And then she leaves. And then we leave, and sleep at my house instead, because there's no way we're going to feel comfortable there knowing that she could come back at any moment and continue to go apeshit.

But this morning, my best friends had to go back to that loving apartment. I'm texting them and they are fine, the roommates are in the house and haven't said a word or even made eye contact with them. But who loving knows what's going to happen. They have three more nights there until they can move into their new place.

I told my best friend how worried I am about this and she's just like, "If I get murdered at least they can put 'Killed by Craigslist' on my tombstone, it'll be hilarious."

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Calico Heart
Mar 22, 2012

"wich the worst part was what troll face did to sonic's corpse after words wich was rape it. at that point i looked away"


Jesus Christ. Here I come to post some more silly stories about goofy irksome roommate only to have my rear end kicked by some cold hard perspective.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply
«33 »