The Bachelor Shit Thread Mk IV: The color change spreading to your skin can't be good

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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Post Your Favorite (or Request) > The Bachelor Shit Thread Mk IV: The color change spreading to your skin can't be good

MC Hawking: Apr 27, 2004; The streets sketched out in the full moon light,
MIT punks dying left and right.
There's nowhere to run don't even try,
cause all my shootings be drivebys.

Many times we've asked ourselves, "What is true bachelordom?" Some will say it is unbridled substance abuse of many hilarious kinds. Others would say it's simply drinking a lot of really expensive beers and trying to get laid as much as possible. However through all these debates I always come back to the same conclusion that SA User "Cart" penned way back when:

quote:

True bachelordom is about seizing the moment and enjoying the simple things in life before the lure of marriage and children comes and forcibly removes us from our infancy by giving us hitherto unprecedented responsibility.

It's a celebration of our ingenuity and man's undeterred creativity when faced with simple challenges. It's about taking the things we love and finding new ways to enjoy them. Things that would not be considered filthy, just disappointing to those that love us because they represent a part of ourselves unclaimed by onsetting maturity. Like drinking in the shower. Smoking on the toilet. Creating a peniscopter. Making a fort out of phone books and then putting a mini-fridge and a flatscreen TV in there. Indeed, the true bachelor is proud of his accomplishments, and his non-bachelor friends are jealous.

Bachelordom is not about wearing filthy clothes, making GBS threads in used Dominos Pizza boxes with your husband whilst playing WoW. That's just being a slob, and there's absolutely no pride to be had there.

Truly, a poet.

Additional Words of Wisdom (tm) from Sassy, Not Classy.

quote:

Guys, I think asking if something is "bachelor" is pretty much the antithesis of bachelordom. Do whatever the gently caress you want, take five loving hours to make your chili if that's what you enjoy. The point is to enjoy the poo poo out of your life however you drat well please before getting weighed down with marriage and kids and careers n poo poo. I'd rather hear about the awesome things you do with all the spare time and money we as bachelors enjoy, unlike our coupled counterparts that spend they money on Pampers instead of Kraken. Unless you are venturing dangerously towards cumvases and pissholes, doing whatever you want and enjoy, because you loving can is "bachelor".

I've been trying to figure out a good way of conveying the ideals of Bachelorism, this weird cult of existence that so many of us try to exemplify. Lacking any better ideas, I figure why not show examples from years past to guide the future.

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InterceptorV8

Took a couple of loads of dishes to the local car wash to powerwash them off.

Worked great. I kept them in milk crates so they didn't blow around.

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waesa

Drank draft beer out of an empty, rinsed-out Costco-sized Tylenol bottle

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Anya

-lost all my socks in moving, so have exclusively worn flip flops for the past 2.5 year

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J Wiggle

Squeezed some Nesquick syrup into my mouth and then milk straight from the bag so I could have chocolate milk without dirtying any plates or spoons.
Paper plates as often as possible.
Re-wear socks if I didn't exercise the day before.
Candy for breakfast on a few occasions.

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Alucard

I don't know if this is the most bachelor thing I've ever done, or simply the most ingenious thing I've ever done.

In the middle of the summer in the South, it gets loving hot. To combat this, I plan ahead. The boxers I plan on wearing for the day (clean, mind you) go into the freezer the night before. When I get out of the shower and dry down, I chill out in my bathrobe until I have to leave. Then I pull the underwear out of the freezer, stick em on, and finish dressing then head out the door.

Simple and brilliant.

quote:

Unknown

I've driven a drywall screw into a wine cork, then held the bottle between my feet while gently pulling up on the screw with the claw of my demolition hammer.

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kastein posted:

To contribute, I pulled the old chimney out of my house and will be rebuilding it in a different location. This left me with an open utility chase up through both floors, which I've decided I will install a sheetmetal duct in. What for? I'm putting a recycling bin on the basement floor under it and never leaving empty beer bottles and cans on my desk again.

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The Aphasian Posted:

Bachelor tip of the day: is your electric toothbrush head ready to be replaced? Before you throw it away, spray it with a little electronics cleaner of your choice (or just rubbing alcohol) and clean out those gross crevices and recessed letters on your game controllers and mouse. Or your little pewter wizards or whatever, I don't know. Then, definitely throw it away.

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Ibsenguitar posted:

So I like to put bacon in most of my food. But one day, I was a bit late getting the bacon out of the freezer and it was still frosty by the time I wanted to cook. After racking my brains for a while, I realized that 1. I hadn't showered that day, and 2. I could defrost my bacon in the hot water. So, killing two birds with one stone, I took a bath with a pound of packaged bacon.

quote:

Baboon Fiesta posted:
credit cards make pretty good spreading utensil alternatives when you can't find a knife or whatever you spread with.

Now that we've covered some of the better ideas, I feel that it's important to cover a few of the classic horror stories from prior bachelor poo poo threads. These are excerpts from the wonderful documentary by Sir As David Attenborough "Life In The Bachelor poo poo Thread: How Do These People Live?

quote:

Upon reaching maturity, a Bachelor Thread title sends psychic spores out into the Jungian Collective Unconscious, where they locate, and then burrow into, a thoroughly disgusting goon (preferably lacking self-awareness).

As the eggs mature, they parasitize the host goon's sense of privacy, ultimately compelling him to mount his keyboard and gently expel a post that is appears relatively normal, save for a revolting tumorous growth, normally near the end. It is from this growth that the new thread title emerges, slick and mewling, onto the front page of the PYF subform.

Eventually the title reaches the end of its life cycle, a few pages later, signaled by newcomers asking "hey, what's that about", with links back to it's original husk. This triggers the release of spores, and the cycle begins anew...

The Cumvase

quote:

Quantify! April 2, 2009

Got a huge vase with some fake plants in it from a girl I worked with, it became my official "cumvase". There was about 2 inches worth in there by the time I moved out. Saved a lot on buying paper towels though, which was my previous disposal method.

And yes, I left it there. In a closet.

The Beanbag Shitter

quote:

pimpedlightsaber

This is from a friend of mine, and is the reason he decided he needed to go back to college since he was loving his life. It is the most "bachelor" thing I have personally heard.

Waking up naked one morning in his beanbag chair, still drunk, he grabbed the nearby bag of cheetos and started munching on them. He soon realized he had to poo poo, thought about it for awhile cause he really didn't feel like moving, then realized beanbag chairs are easy to clean, so he poo poo himself while sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating cheetos.

The Bean Vodka

quote:

burdt posted:

i just cleaned out the kitchen and used natty light boxes as drawer/cabinet liners. and the most bachelor thing i've done happened a minute ago. i finished a can of beans and then made myself a mixed drink in the can. it was vodka and bean juice. had it been hot or cold it would have ruled. but tepid it was absolute poo poo. since i'm to lazy to get a cup i'm probably gonna continue drinking in the can.

Editors note: This isn't actually a horror story but it is something which does come up in the so called lore of Bachelor poo poo Thread. Here is a picture of the bean can in question. The vodka was Stolichnaya.

The Floor Hole Urinator

quote:

Temaukel posted:
My house is made of floating wood tile, and when I have to pee (I'm male) I get face down on the floor and stick my penis in a hole on the wood floor and pee. My dogs sleep under the house so everytime I do this I hope they don't bite or lick my junk.

The Hole In Question

The TAINT BOIL, the post which launched Bachelor poo poo Thread Mk II into the goldmine.

quote:

Scapulataf Posted

Bachelor? Yeah, maybe.
Disgusting?? Oh gently caress yeah.

I've had a boil on my taint for a few days and its been bugging the gently caress out of me. It hurt to sit, it hurt to poo poo, it hurt to do a lot of things.
I tried scrubbing the area with alcohol, and then poking a pin through it, but it wasn't working. First squatting over a mirror and then propping the mirror up on a hamper full of dirty laundry.
I tried the boiling bottle technique, but I don't think I was patient enough.
So, today I had a great idea. I got out the antiseptics, and disinfectants, and the alcohol, and the vacuum. Its a Hoover wind tunnel since someone will ask.
The first shot I didn't quite get it centred where I wanted it but it was still over the mark. Even though it was on that spot for maybe half a second there was still evil juices flowing from my taint. When I got it centred properly, and left it for several seconds I could practically feel the magic as the juices were flowing from my body and into the vacuum hose, coating the inside of it. I'm going to have a hard time making my vacuum not look like a crime scene. But relief is upon me!!

The Two horrifically gross bachelorettes.

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PurpleandGold posted

My roommate and I are excellent and happy bachelorettes.

In our apartment in college, we were infamous for the orange/grapefruit peels, half-empty wine and beer bottles, and laundry that were scattered around. There was almost a debris trail leading from our room downstairs to the bathroom and kitchen.

Tripping over each other's vibrators or other assorted sex toys was a common occurrence. The sex toy party we hosted was quite the legend, between all the interesting things and all the booze. I don't remember most of it. We had two rules in our house: no smoking inside and no masturbating while someone else was in the room. However, it was fine to have sex with someone while the other person was in the room as long as you bragged about it afterwards.

The coffee can outside that was filled with cigarette butts. It technically belonged to the restaurant next door.

Our porch's contents: innumerable spiders, lots of rusty nails, a sad old broom that no one ever used, a refrigerator that had been unplugged with food in it about three months before it made it to the porch (now duct taped shut), and enough beer/liquor bottles to sink a battleship.

We always had more kinds of hot sauce and mustard than we ever had food.

And now? We're still living together. Still leaving trails of booze bottles and dishes and orange/grapefruit peels. When she isn't working, she's on the front porch reading or watching tv all the time. If I'm not working, I'm in bed, still in pajamas, playing World of Warcraft. You seriously don't need to shower unless you're going out or your smell is bothering you. Laundry and dishes are done when you're out of underwear or silverware, respectively. We remove all the cans and bottles when we can't find anywhere else to hide them.

Hopefully I'll have some time off from work and actually get to go home soon. And then? Showerbeer. Or perhaps shower Jager. I can't decide...

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Robert Analog posted:

My water has a lot of lime in it and it stained the toilet really bad. So I bought some of that gel stuff and put it in there to soak, for almost a week at which point I only pissed/shat outside. I live in the country so this isn't really that big of a deal. The upside is that toilet is spotless now.
I'm also a (very, very lovely) vegetarian so I come up with lazy ways to not eat meat but still I can't cook for poo poo. I asked my girlfriend if she was hungry and she said she was craving grilled cheese and tomato bisque so I made Spaghetti-O's and microwaved two pieces of bread with a piece of cheese in between it. Also I get those Morningstar chicken patties (the dankest of the fake chicken meat), microwave them with cheese and bread then smother them in Texas Pete and that's dinner a lot of nights.
Also (this one is gross), but if you ever get a back zit you can't reach the best thing to do is position it between the toilet rim and mash down on your skin with the seat, it may take a few tries to get the positioning right.

DON'T BE THESE PEOPLE. Being a gross slob isn't bachelor, it's being a gross slob. However if you are such a weirdo and can match the above stories in sheer unbridled hedonism, please do share so you can be added to the legends..

Now, some good recipes from threads past:

FOOD, or the Swedish Chef's BORKABORKABORK

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Bean Goulash
1 lbs. dry black beans
1 lbs. dry split peas
1 lbs. brown rice
1 lbs. frozen broccoli
1 lbs. pork sausage
various spices
various hot sauces
Total cost - $6.50. By my count, 8-10 lbs. of food and enough for most of my main meals for a week. (yeah, cooked sausage in the fridge for a week may be pushing it, but it will probably be more like 5 days which is fine)

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Ingredients:
The Fridge Scraper Sandwich
1 loaf of bread (real bread, not this pre-sliced rectangular bullshit)
1 rubbery green pepper
1 white onion that started sprouting in my crisper drawer
1/2 box baby bella mushrooms
Mozzarella cheese from an aborted pizza attempt
Assorted condiments
1 bottle white wine
Directions:
Open the bottle of wine. Pour yourself a glass.
Slice the pepper, onion, and mushrooms. Saut� with Adobo seasoning, basil, and oregano.
Pour yourself another glass.
While those are going, slice the loaf open and carve a trough in both halves. (Soak the bread you carved out with olive oil, red wine vinegar, and basil for a nice snack while you're cooking.) gratuitously coat the inside of each loaf with whatever condiments you have on hand. I used olive oil, red wine vinegar, hot pepper relish, and oregano.
Spend 5 minutes hunting for your glass.
Shred the mozzarella cheese and pile it into both halves. Turn on the broiler and shove both halves under until the cheese is melted. Smoke a bowl while this is happening.
Realize you forgot about the peppers and onions, and make sure they're okay. Reduce heat and cover.
Pour yourself another glass.
Remove the bread from under the broiler, hopefully before it starts smoking, and place it on a baking sheet. Take the peppers, onions, and mushrooms, and pile them onto the sandwich. Finish assembling the sandwich. Finish your glass of wine.
Put the sandwich in the fridge for 6 hours and the bottle in the recycling bin.

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Chicken Riggies

1 package chicken tenders, 2lbs, cleaned and cut into thumb sized hunks
2 boxes large tube noodles.
1 large onion, medium dice
2 large red bell peppers, de-veined/seeded. Large Dice
2 boxes cap mushrooms, Quartered
1 head garlic, Minced
1 8oz can olives, drained, medium chopped
2 cups heavy cream
2tbsp capers

Par cook noodles. Drain and set aside.

Get a large cast iron pan and set it to gas mark 2.5 or 3.5 electric. Add (olive) oil to pan. Toss in onion and garlic, stir occasionally till translucent. Add peppers, par-cook (meaning halfway) then add mushrooms. Cook all till done. Remove from heat and set aside. Toss chicken into pan and lightly brown. Combine all components and remaining ingredients into (larger)pan and simmer for 20 minutes on low, covered. Stir often. Serve hot with side of parm, worcheschershire sauce and a brown nutty ale.

NerdyNautilusGirl posted:

Also beef+rice+bouillon+cheese= a pretty drat good meal.

Obtain beef, rice, beef bouillon, some kind of cheese (havarti is good), put on water for rice, throw like two cubes of bouillon in there while it boils. Start browning the beef, throw some onion, garlic, and a little bit of soy sauce in there. Cook rice. One rice is cooked and meat has simmered to tender, sweet meaty goodness, throw that poo poo all together, throw the cheese on top and shove it into your food hole.

Yes.
___

Put oven on 375F, throw together 2 3/4 cups of flour, teaspoon of baking soda, half a teaspoon of baking soda. Then, in another big fuckoff bowl, throw the cup of butter, and 1 1/2 cups of white sugar until it looks like God's spooge, then throw in the dry ingredients. make little discs out of the dough.

Either take a bunch of Marciano cherries or little balls of chocolate and roll the disks around them until they're little balls of loving awesome. bake until they're golden brown.

When you take it out, you'll have 4 dozen rollypolly bug lookin sugar cookies with good poo poo in them.

Smoke, drink, and stuff your big fat face.

These things are messy as gently caress so wear your sweats.

quote:

MisterOblivious posted:
I don't know why people bother with those tiny blenders.

Vendagoat posted:
Chili Recipe.

It'll be sweet, smokey and hot.

3 pounds of ground beef, browned in a pan.
1 box of beef broth, only needed if you have to thin the chili.
1 or 2 large cans of kidney beans, or omit, to your taste.
1 large can diced or crushed tomatoes.
1 large can tomato sauce.
1 small can of tomato paste, more or less, for that "zinging" tomato taste
1 medium to large size onion, that you will saute.
2 bell peppers, color to taste, I suggest at least one red. One green, one red is standard. Also sauteed.
As much fresh garlic as you like, also in the saute.
7 Jalapeno peppers, deseeded. Sauteed.
Pepper, crushed red pepper, chipotle chili powder, chili powder and salt to taste. This gets tossed on all the veggies you are sauteing.

Cook the ground meat in a separate pan. As the meat is heating, place a large pot on very low temperature, with the tomatoes inside. When the meat is done cooking, dump it strait into the tomatoes, use that same pan, with butter, to saute the veggies. Season them with the list above, to taste. Place them into the pot, thin the chili as needed with the beef broth. Let reduce, and stir often, until desired thickness is achieved. I have literally made delicious meat paste before. I suggest buttered bread, buttered corn bread or a side of johnny cake.

Sweet tea as a drink.

[quote]
errol _flynn
Oct 6, 2009

Breakfast is quite goony (and heartcloggingly delicious) when it comes to my 14 year old stepson: He likes his bacon fried crispy, then pancake batter poured over it and cooked into a panbaconcake.

DRINK

quote:

DrBouvenstein posted:
Wait until you discover the Creamsicle recipe.

TO WHICH NERDYNAUTILUSGIRL REPLIED
Already know the creamsicle one.

Also, chiz, it's:

Fudgeiscle
Hot cocoa
1-3 shots of silver rum

Orange Creamsicle
Sunkist
also 1-3 shots of rum.

quote:

Holiday Cheer
1 bottle of port wine (no more than 3$)
1 bottle of red wine (no more than 5$, 6$ if you want to be fancy)
8 cinnamon sticks (50 cents if you buy bulk)
1 sliced orange
2 tablespoons of cloves.
Cook on stovetop for ~30-45 minutes on medium-low heat. Do not boil. Thus, you get 1.75 liters of high proof, delicious booze that will get you through any traumatic family event that might otherwise require expensive, long term therapy.

Have some more recipes for cheap easy food which is low effort? Throw em up! Found an awesome pro-bachelor product like single use disposable grills? Radical, tell us all about it!

So yeah I'm out of ideas now, post about butts and drunks and huffing compressed air. Oh and everyone should buy a Shakoozie if you get the chance those things rock.

One last thing for people new to the Bachelor poo poo thread. It has been designated a weekend drinkposting zone, however in an effort to keep things clean there is a weekly Google Plus hangout that goes up. Please join us and keep an eye on the thread for the link! Hangout is fun, we watch movies, tell jokes, and chat because getting drunk on the internet with strangers (maybe even eventually friends) is way better than getting drunk alone at home.

By request here is a picture of one of the early hangouts to give you an idea of a new meaning for "pants on head drunk"

Edit: Previous Trainwrecks. You should at least read MkII since it's in goldmine to get a good idea of what "bachelor poo poo" is.
Mk III, You can Always Sell Yourself for Alcohol
Mk II, Return of the Showerbeer
Mk I, The Most Bachelor Thing You've Done?

So, what's the most bachelor thing you did this week??

Edit: By request, my own hangover prevention guide.

quote:

MC Hawking posted:

The best cure is proper prior planning.

Before drinking, consume 2, 16oz glasses of water. In one, have one packet Emergen-C. With the other glass, consume 1/2 multivitamin of your choice. Usually at this time it's a good idea to have a hearty late-breakfast. Two scrambled eggs, a slice of toast, and perhaps some sausage links. If the Australians have taught me anything, it's that the B-12 content of Vegemite toast is fantastic and the toast itself helps settle any nausea the morning after.

This gets you in good form for the first half of the night. The second half, every other drink alternate with a large glass of water and keep to one drink every 45 minutes. Knock off at around 4am and find a quiet place to sleep. Take a large water bottle with you and consume one before sleep, and one during the night.

Congratulations, you've defeated the dreaded hangover by preventing it in the first place.

Edit:

We now have an official Bachelor Goons IRC channel thanks to the ever lovely Drink And Fight

Direct your internet boxes to #showerbeer @ irc.synirc.com for on the cuff updates of weekend hangout movie lists, bean and beer discussion, and also other fun stuff.

Edit: By Popular Demand, The Date

Edit:

quote:

SECONDARY PSA:

MONKEYTHUNDER HAS DECIDED HE IS NO LONGER ON PROBATION AFTER A MONTH. IN LIGHT OF THIS IT IS REQUESTED THAT IF HE IS AS rear end in a top hat PLEASE USE THE MUTE BUTTON AND TELL HIM TO SHUT UP IF HE IS BOTHERING YOU, TALKING OVER YOU, OR OTHERWISE INTERRUPTING. EVENTUALLY SESSION BANS SHOULD BE ADDED TO G+, SO WE'LL SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT. THANK YOU. ~the mgmnt

{revised 10-3}

Edit:

Unleash the Kraken

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT THIS PRODUCT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST BACHELOR PRODUCT OUT THERE.

Beer Bottle Fleshlight

MC Hawking fucked around with this message at Feb 9, 2013 around 04:07

# ? Jul 11, 2012 00:56

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 23, 2013 02:44

Splizwarf: Jun 15, 2007; Watch me pull my dongle out of this tiny box

This is an excellent new OP, kudos for the visual aids.

A link to The Modern Gentleman, 2nd Edition: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy, and Vice might be in order. It is the bachelor's bible, and the lessons go beyond the lifestyle.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:07

Action-Bastard: Jan 1, 2008; Now this is partying 80's style!

Last thread got away from me and I didn't feel like reading 1000+ posts of drunk posting and queer hygiene habits. Hopefully I can keep up on this one.

Besides my disgusting shower curtain this was my contribution from the last thread:

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:08

Mikael Kreoss: Feb 13, 2011; by Fistgrrl

Action-Bastard posted:

Last thread got away from me and I didn't feel like reading 1000+ posts of drunk posting and queer hygiene habits. Hopefully I can keep up on this one.

Besides my disgusting shower curtain this was my contribution from the last thread:

truly living the dream

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:11

DrBouvenstein: Feb 28, 2007; I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. This fancy avatar does.

Action-Bastard posted:

Last thread got away from me and I didn't feel like reading 1000+ posts of drunk posting and queer hygiene habits. Hopefully I can keep up on this one.

Besides my disgusting shower curtain this was my contribution from the last thread:

Very nice...been doing that a bit myself, this summer...it's hard, though, because I have a very tiny porch, and right now it's mostly filled by a large grill and my roommate's GF's plants.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:19

natetimm: May 24, 2007

I have to move this weekend. My shower/tub really needs a good scrubbing if I want my deposit back, and I hate scrubbing it. Solution? Fill the tub with water, pour some bleach in it and leave for work. 8 hours of soak and a quick rinse later and it's all good. I also have athlete's foot on my little toe and I'm out of tinactin, so I gave it a good dunk in the bleach water, too. I'm multitasking here, people.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:20

Bloody Cum Fart: Oct 20, 2010; I can smell your pussy, Clarice.

Action-Bastard posted:

Last thread got away from me and I didn't feel like reading 1000+ posts of drunk posting and queer hygiene habits. Hopefully I can keep up on this one.

Besides my disgusting shower curtain this was my contribution from the last thread:

That looks baller.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:21

Dickweasel Alpha: Feb 8, 2011; Mod Secrets #614 - Experto Crede is the one who bought most of those frog avatars

My bed's fitted sheet is undone but I have a mattress pad underneath it so I feel no immediate reason to fix it.

I got tipped $20 today while working and immediately spent half of it on Taco Bell after I got off. I haven't gotten a text from my boss for our schedule tomorrow which means I don't work, so it looks like the other half of that 20 is going right back there as soon as the Border Starts Calling^{^{^TM}}

My room is a wasteland of beer cans that I will eventually clean this week, since my family is coming up.

The only three things in our fridge right now are pop, beer, and a cake my roommate baked a week ago. We're still eating it. It's a little stale, but still good.

The only thing I'm worrying about right now is what the gently caress I'm going to do next weekend. It's my birthday and 10 friends of mine are coming to visit and we're driving go-karts, playing laser tag, and going to see The Dark Knight Rises in theaters, but after that we're all going back to my place since it's a block from the theater and getting shitfaced, but I have no idea where anyone is going to stay.

I'm sleeping in my room, if one of the girls sleeps with me then that's taken care of, my roommate's got his bed, but we've got one pull-out couch and two lovely uncomfortable chairs and 7/8 more people, most of which are from out of town. Aaaaggggghhhhh

Bachelor problems: Not enough comfortable places to pass out

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:23

Hypnolobster: Apr 12, 2007; What this sausage party needs is a big dollop of ketchup! Too bad I didn't make any.

Action-Bastard posted:

Last thread got away from me and I didn't feel like reading 1000+ posts of drunk posting and queer hygiene habits. Hopefully I can keep up on this one.

Besides my disgusting shower curtain this was my contribution from the last thread:

There is beer in the glass, not a previous bottle of scotch or anything.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:23

Flavor Bear: Jan 13, 2008; Bear Love is Best Love

I have been high pretty much straight through since June 17th. I have not posted in the bachelor thread in a while but I think I'm still worthy.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:28

Cowslips Warren: Oct 29, 2005; What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?

Some threads ago a goon posted about shower beer. For those of us who can't drink (go go alcoholism in the family!), shower soda is pretty bitching too.

I wouldn't trust most bachelors with bug sprays, so here is a cheaper way to get rid of the bugs that are in filthy bachelor pads: go to Amazon and order the 50 pound bag of Food Quality Diatamiceous Earth. Use it to worm your dogs via their food, brush it through their fur to take care of ants or ticks, and pour that poo poo anywhere bugs can get into your place.

Always keep one gallon of bleach around for cleanup.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:34

Landerig: Oct 27, 2008

Cowslips Warren posted:

For those of us who can't drink (go go alcoholism in the family!), shower soda is pretty bitching too.

Yeah it's okay. For me a high end cream soda works well.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:52

QPZIL: Jun 1, 2003; VIDI AUDI TACE

I'm sitting in my underwear eating roast beef cold cuts out of the package and dipping the slices into horseradish.

Hello, bachelor goons.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:56

Dickweasel Alpha: Feb 8, 2011; Mod Secrets #614 - Experto Crede is the one who bought most of those frog avatars

QPZIL posted:

I'm sitting in my underwear eating roast beef cold cuts out of the package and dipping the slices into horseradish.

Hello, bachelor goons.

loving right, that's all your food groups right there

# ? Jul 11, 2012 01:59

Ubik: Mar 30, 2004; No good news this chapter.

It's nice to have a fresh bachelor thread once in a while. Like actually washing your coffee cup instead of just rinsing it every time you use it.

As a long-time professional bachelor, I've enjoyed these threads since the very first one. The contraptions and jury-rigging in order to continue enjoying movies/internet/beer are the most ingenious and fascinating parts.

Right now I'm homebrewing some imperial IPA in my boxers. Drinking a beer and contemplating making a sandwich, because I don't feel like cooking. Going on a biking excursion with some friends tomorrow to several bars and a brewery, spanning about 50 miles and half a dozen booze stops (not counting bottles that people bring with them). Safety-pinning part of my backpack shut because the zipper broke and I don't want to spend the $40 the shoe shop wanted to fix it.

Like I mentioned last thread, I brew beer for a living (with Goose Island Beer Company in Chicago), which just happens to be one of the most bachelor jobs possible. I'll post the new content and the old content together:

-I get a free case of beer per week, plus free beers on the brewdeck after working hours, so the majority of my booze is free.
-Getting drunk while working will get you canned, but the job still requires you to taste-test beer pretty regularly. And if you work events/shows/festivals/etc., you're always able to get a bit of beer yourself, or sample from the other booths. Not to mention that hanging out with your colleagues invariably involves lots of "testing." So drinking is integral to the job.
-About half the time I wake up at rear end-o'clock in the morning, work until I've sweated off five pounds of body weight, and enjoy a showerbeer as soon as I arrive home. The best showerbeer is one that you brewed yourself.
-My change of clothes comes not first thing in the morning, but as soon as I'm done with a shift, because the moment I return home from work I'm back down to boxers and I don't put those clothes back on until the following morning. Hey, it ultimately results in the same "one day, one set of clothes" norm, and it means I don't have to wear horrible filthy brewery clothes back home. The result is the same: Boxers-only at home!
-No need to get dressed up or tidy like an office job. You work in a brewery with chemicals and yeast and beer, you're expected to get filthy. Wearing old clothes you don't mind getting destroyed (or work clothes supplied by the company for the same reason) is par for the course.
-Brewing seems to promote the growth of gigantic, monolithic, often hilarious beards. Shaving is mostly optional.
-Brewing requires a rigorous and stringent cleaning regimen, which usually leaves you too sick of cleaning to bother with keeping your apartment looking nice. People tend to be pretty understanding of this when you explain it.
-Whoops, poo poo happened at the brewery and it's too late to cook. Time for takeout!
-Alternately: Hey, it's the weekend and I have plenty of free time. What can I cook using this beer? (Hint: ANYTHING)
-"Bachelor solutions" show up at the brewery too. You wouldn't believe how much of a brewery you can take apart with a bike tool! Now if only I could take home caustic to clean my dishes.

My favorite quote from bachelor threads past, from some goon I don't remember:

quote:

Pants are just shoes for your legs.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:16

Zenostein: Aug 15, 2008; Alhamdulillah

This is a fun lil' timewaster: Drinkify. It gives you some sort of drink to go with whatever artist you happen to be listening to.

Also yay, this thread is so nice and clean and does not smell like a dog that has been pissed on!

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:18

QuickbreathFinisher: Sep 28, 2008; coming like judgment day
i.e. for the second time.

Zenostein posted:

This is a fun lil' timewaster: Drinkify. It gives you some sort of drink to go with whatever artist you happen to be listening to.

Also yay, this thread is so nice and clean and does not smell like a dog that has been pissed on!

My favorite thing about Drinkify is that if you type in Iron Maiden, it recommends a full 10 oz. of LSD, stirred vigorously, on the rocks.

e: I also love the more nonconventional garnishes, like sparklers. Also if you type in almost any Norwegian death metal band, blood is part of the cocktail.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:21

DemonDarkhorse: Nov 5, 2011; It's probably not tobacco. You just need to start wiping front-to-back from now on.

I have not done laundry (other than emergency "poo poo I have no underwear" laundry) since my birthday.

Which was April 8.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:22

Landerig: Oct 27, 2008

Due to summer drought my grass hasn't been growing much except in a few spots, so today I cut the couple spots out front where it was taller then the rest of the front yard.

Hey, I'm saving gasoline

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:25

Zodijackylite: Oct 18, 2005; i'm so fuckkin drunk right now staalsie i'm seein these big bars around everything and it's not like the time your pussfuck brother totally knocked the sh*t out of you. i bet cally's got some weed if we want, too

Zenostein posted:

This is a fun lil' timewaster: Drinkify. It gives you some sort of drink to go with whatever artist you happen to be listening to.

Also yay, this thread is so nice and clean and does not smell like a dog that has been pissed on!

Don�t listen to Fates Warning alone. We suggest�
�THE FATES WARNING�

10 oz. LSD
10 oz. Club soda
Combine in highball glass and serve.

Bachelor poo poo: One of my favorite drunken or sober sing-alongs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmozVRLZfdg

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:34

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010

Psh, you hot-dog having bachelors need a chicago-style hotdog. I swear, it has all the main food groups.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicago_Hot_Dog

Seriously, the best way to do it. I'm craving one, but I'm in MA...

EDIT:

Drinkify for Mark Lanegan:

http://drinkify.org/Mark%20lanegan
Weed and tomato juice? No whiskey? He's whiskey as poo poo! His best album is called "whiskey for the holy ghost"! C'MON!

Ugly In The Morning fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2012 around 02:58

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:53

The Royal Nonesuch: Nov 1, 2005; When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life stand explained

Do you like hot sauce? Of course you do. Do like the kind of sauce that makes you sweat and weep tears of joy? Do you have clogged nasal passages or are you severely constipated? Do you survive on eggs, rice and beans? Have you never banged frantically on your neighbor's door, jabbering for milk? Do you have hypothermia? Then this recipe is for you!

--Policia!-- (because it will hurt you)
12 Habaneros
2 Red Jalapenos
3 Chipotle peppers (I use the canned ones in Adobo sauce)
2 Tomatoes (add more for thinner sauce)
3 Garlic cloves
1 Lime
Cilantro
Some salt

Boil the poo poo out of the habaneros/jalapenos/tomatoes whole for about 30 minutes. While you're waiting, dice the garlic and chop up the cilantro as fine as you can get it. Once everything is boiled, put it all in a blender or food processor with the garlic/lime juice/chipotles. Add a dash of salt. Don't put in the cilantro unless you want your sauce a sickly grey-green.

Blend it on high until it's liquid/the garlic is in tiny pieces. Pour it into a container and stir in your cilantro. Voila! You now have something to cover up the taste of even the most foul entity in the back of your fridge. Or just put it in a bowl next to some chips at your next party, and don't say anything. All jokes aside, this poo poo is delicious and I get people asking me for jars of it now. It's dirt cheap to make in bulk and you can add it to weak salsas/guacamole, whatever really. The above amounts get you about a pint of sauce.

--Special Funtime Bachelor Use--

Mix a dollop of Policia! into a shot of your favorite tequila. Best with a lime chaser. This is called a LoboBite (Wolfbite), after the nickname of the Chef from work who's salsa recipe I ~~stole~~ adapted.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 02:55

Plastik: Oct 14, 2005; Inferior Bean

FrancisYorkPatty posted:

Bachelor problems: Not enough comfortable places to pass out

I used to have this issue a lot, but at my new place we have 4 couches, a futon, 2 recliners and 2 nearly-loveseat-sized chairs I could easily sleep in, not to mention 4 bedrooms, each with a bed in it. Only two of us usually live here, so it's more than enough for a small army to stake out at the house. We've had house parties that have lasted for literally days, but not for awhile.

Gotta fix that soon.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:03

Carbon Thief: Oct 11, 2009

Zenostein posted:

This is a fun lil' timewaster: Drinkify. It gives you some sort of drink to go with whatever artist you happen to be listening to.

This is the worst sounding one I've generated so far -

�The Oingo Boingo�
8 oz. Red Bull
8 oz. Akvavit
Serve neat. Garnish with maraschino cherry.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:07

Zenostein: Aug 15, 2008; Alhamdulillah

Landerig posted:

Due to summer drought my grass hasn't been growing much except in a few spots, so today I cut the couple spots out front where it was taller then the rest of the front yard.

Hey, I'm saving gasoline

Maybe you should get a manual/push mower.

Also, The Art of Manliness is a good blog. Lots of useful poo poo about sharpening knives and shaving and tying knots and other useful skills.

But man, Drinkify gives me the worst things. Art Blakely says to drink a Corona, and Rilo Kiley is a Bud Light.

That being said, the Dashboard Confessional is 6oz. of whiskey. So teenaged me was doing something right, I think.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:19

Ubik: Mar 30, 2004; No good news this chapter.

Ugly In The Morning posted:

Psh, you hot-dog having bachelors need a chicago-style hotdog. I swear, it has all the main food groups.

The Chicago hot dog is indeed the superior hot dog. However, the Maxwell Street Polish is the superior encased meat in a bun.

Also, the Tear Garden is 6 oz. LSD neat. And the Soundgarden is PBR garnished with shrimp.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:31

ladyweapon: Nov 6, 2010; It reads all over his face,
like he's an Italian.

Hey new thread and my holiday cheer recipe made the OP

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:32

Action-Bastard: Jan 1, 2008; Now this is partying 80's style!

I put in William Shatner and got

6oz of ecstasy, served chilled.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:33

kastein: Aug 31, 2011; IF I HAVEN'T MENTIONED MY FIVE TON LATELY, CHECK MY AIR INTAKE FOR CHEMICAL WEAPONS

in this poo poo on the ground floor

natetimm posted:

I have to move this weekend. My shower/tub really needs a good scrubbing if I want my deposit back, and I hate scrubbing it. Solution? Fill the tub with water, pour some bleach in it and leave for work. 8 hours of soak and a quick rinse later and it's all good. I also have athlete's foot on my little toe and I'm out of tinactin, so I gave it a good dunk in the bleach water, too. I'm multitasking here, people.

tip from a previously (and no longer

) athletes foot ridden bachelor - try lotrimin. It knocked out a really nasty case of athletes foot I'd had for a month and a half a few summers ago... in less than a week. I'd tried everything - tinactin, vinegar (I was that desparate), hydrogen peroxide, all the usual old wives tale cures (yes, I tried pissing on my feet in the shower*) and nothing had killed it. I tried lotrimin and it was gone no more than a week later. If it's reached the point of cracking and bleeding it will sting a bit when you apply it till the cracking stops but believe me, it's totally worth it.

* I'm not this thread's cumvase, I swear. I did this as a last ditch act of desparation since the internet and various TV shows told me it would work and yes, I washed afterwards.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 03:35

Zodijackylite: Oct 18, 2005; i'm so fuckkin drunk right now staalsie i'm seein these big bars around everything and it's not like the time your pussfuck brother totally knocked the sh*t out of you. i bet cally's got some weed if we want, too

kastein posted:

yes, I tried pissing on my feet in the shower

That's how I remove hard water stains. Who needs cleaning products when there's a more efficient way?

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:06

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE: Dec 28, 2000; Big boy, Hungry boy.

Shiner Ruby Redbird is the best summer beer ever brewed. It is honest-to-god refreshing.

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2012 around 04:28

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:24

MC Hawking: Apr 27, 2004; The streets sketched out in the full moon light,
MIT punks dying left and right.
There's nowhere to run don't even try,
cause all my shootings be drivebys.

So much for not being a bunch of gross autistic weirdos.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:24

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010

Ubik posted:

However, the Maxwell Street Polish is the superior encased meat in a bun.

THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS.

Like, seriously, I made a chicago style dog for dinner tonight, it's just simply the best.
|
EDIT: Exceptions may be made for brats with cheddar in them.

EDIT #2: Speaking of chicago, the Gold Motel:

�THE GOLD MOTEL�

8 oz. Tequila A�ejo
8 oz. Coffee
4 oz. Grenadine
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir quickly. Garnish with wedge of watermelon.

8 oz of tequila? I like having a liver.

Ugly In The Morning fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2012 around 04:31

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:28

ladyweapon: Nov 6, 2010; It reads all over his face,
like he's an Italian.

Slopehead posted:

So much for not being a bunch of gross autistic weirdos.

What did you expect?

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE posted:

Shiner Ruby Redbird is the best summer beer ever brewed. It is honest-to-god refreshing.

I still haven't been to that brewery that you recommended, but I did find a greasy spoon type diner that has a

beer zone

where they have 50 beers on tap and another 150 bottled beers. Ommegang, Unibroue, Young's Double chocolate were all on tap. I think I paid 4.50$ for a pint of Young's.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:33

Oldsrocket_27: Apr 28, 2009

All of the shelves in my fridge contain liquids: non alcoholic beverages on the top shelf, alcohol on the next two down. Sandwich meat, cheese, fixings, condiments go in the door, frozen meats/foods in the freezer.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:40

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE: Dec 28, 2000; Big boy, Hungry boy.

ladyweapon posted:

I still haven't been to that brewery that you recommended, but I did find a greasy spoon type diner that has a beer zone where they have 50 beers on tap and another 150 bottled beers. Ommegang, Unibroue, Young's Double chocolate were all on tap. I think I paid 4.50$ for a pint of Young's.

I will punch you in the goddamned eyeballs if you don't get there soon. Seriously, the amount of stuff they are pumping out this summer that is only available at the Bistro is making me seriously consider finding an excuse to fly out there.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 04:46

legendaryRev: May 1, 2008

I'll just go ahead and say that I live in Florida, just so you understand the local wildlife. Ok, so instead of a nightstand, I have a chair that sits next to my king sized bed. Nightly food runs after the bar end up under said chair, maybe with leftover morsels of food. While the roaches started off as a problem, multiple fairly large lizards have also found their way in. I figure that I'll let natural selection deal with it, and only haul out bags of fast food about every 3 weeks, just to keep things in balance. I figure that's just the bachelor way.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 05:02

Arivia: Mar 17, 2011; When we tell you to write a story about potatoes, don't write about a Frenchman's tiny dick instead.

THUNDERDOME

legendaryRev posted:

I'll just go ahead and say that I live in Florida, just so you understand the local wildlife. Ok, so instead of a nightstand, I have a chair that sits next to my king sized bed. Nightly food runs after the bar end up under said chair, maybe with leftover morsels of food. While the roaches started off as a problem, multiple fairly large lizards have also found their way in. I figure that I'll let natural selection deal with it, and only haul out bags of fast food about every 3 weeks, just to keep things in balance. I figure that's just the bachelor way.

Oh god lizards?!

Bugs or mold is a step too far for me, let alone lizards. Ewww.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 05:45

Dickweasel Alpha: Feb 8, 2011; Mod Secrets #614 - Experto Crede is the one who bought most of those frog avatars

Zenostein posted:

This is a fun lil' timewaster: Drinkify. It gives you some sort of drink to go with whatever artist you happen to be listening to.

Also yay, this thread is so nice and clean and does not smell like a dog that has been pissed on!

"The Kanye West:Hennesy"

That site is loving awesome

"The Decembersists: Red Wine"

"The Barenaked Ladies: Jagermeister"

"The Counting Crows: Whiskey"

I think I'm going to go with this one though.

"�THE STREETLIGHT MANIFESTO�

10 oz. Arak
10 oz. Red Bull"

# ? Jul 11, 2012 05:52

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 23, 2013 02:44

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005; _{just bad poster}

legendaryRev posted:

I'll just go ahead and say that I live in Florida, just so you understand the local wildlife. Ok, so instead of a nightstand, I have a chair that sits next to my king sized bed. Nightly food runs after the bar end up under said chair, maybe with leftover morsels of food. While the roaches started off as a problem, multiple fairly large lizards have also found their way in. I figure that I'll let natural selection deal with it, and only haul out bags of fast food about every 3 weeks, just to keep things in balance. I figure that's just the bachelor way.

poo poo man, get it together before a loving alligator moves in with you. I know they are loving boss when it comes to rent, but the fuckers always hog the bathtub and will rip your loving arm off if you call them on it.

# ? Jul 11, 2012 05:58

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