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V for Vegas posted:Bounty - Meis I can't believe I didn't notice that I wrote the barman recognised her twice. I probably should have just re-wrote that whole paragraph instead of editing it, to prevent mess like that occurring. That was a mistake. The sunset part was just bad writing. Thanks for the feedback! I'll try to put more work into developing unique voices for next time, that's one of my main problems at the mo.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 04:11 |
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# ? Mar 29, 2024 12:52 |
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Metamorphoses - Peel I really liked the imagery and language in this. It hits its beats and knows what it's doing and ends well. Good job. Gol Maal - Ronnie Long I would have liked this immeasurably more if instead of reciting the history of the couple, you had spun out a few small vignettes of their previous life together and separation. Then we have characters to engage with, not a recitation of events. The parts that were about the characters interacting were pretty good, so just write more of that. Bollywood Swinging Greatbacon The writing in this feels too self-conscious. By that I mean it doesn't read like a story of something that happened, it reads like a series of sentences that describe events. For example 'The rest of the people at the table chuckle ' tells me there are people at a table, and they are chuckling. It doesn't tell me anything about the story, or who these people are, or if that had an effect on the protagonist. It's time-passing filler, ('a dog barked in the distance') like as a writer you need to be saying, 'OK he is walking to the table, fill in something while he goes there'. The story goes on like that, just describing things that happen which is necessary for a story, but it just doesn't feel any deeper than that. I hope this makes sense. The whole 'first person present' which describes past events was a little confusing as well. Bert's Friend A story about the fight with the ice cream man would have been more interesting. I don't understand how this follows the prompt (or at all frankly). Is Bert touching up Ronald McDonald?
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 04:21 |
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God dammit. Serves me right for not checking the thread and assuming I knew the deadline. gently caress it, still posting mine. Dharma 811 words https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654 It's a terrifying situation, being shot at by your ex. Even if it's only with a paintball gun. I'd been cut off from the rest of my team and now he was tearing through the trees with murder in his eyes as I ran like the scared little bitch I was. “Look,” I yelled back over my shoulder, “I'm really sorry it wound up like this but could we just talk about it like adults?” Paint exploded on a tree next to me and I shut up and ran harder. God, why the hell did I decide to break up with him just before a bachelor party? That was a loving bad idea even before I found out what we were doing. I came to a hill and started scrambling down it as fast as I could, his posse's whoops coming clearly from behind me as they took potshots at me, the fuckers. It was probably karma that I wound up on the team with all the stoners. Poor bastards hadn't lasted ten minutes, paint burning through the air and covering them in the garish neon detritus of war as they stared hard in the opposite direction, not even reacting for a few seconds as the gloriously gory rounds beat a tattoo up their asses. I spent a few moments regretting every single choice I'd ever made in my life as a cleared the air over a downed log. Suddenly I saw a group of bodies ahead. I tried to freeze and twist around but it didn't work so well in mid-air, so I wound up sprawled on the ground between two groups of dudes which, y'know, under other circumstances and all but at the moment not desired. Everything went still, guns pointing at each other but no one firing yet, no one wanting to be the guy who got return fire from the entire opposing team. Jack stepped forward, glares angrily at me, then growled out “Just let me shoot him a few times. That's all I'm asking for.” gently caress, his voice is amazing. Brad, the titular bachelor, who'd I always had a thing for even though he was doubling down on the straightness in a month, came back and spit out of the side his mouth. Not as attractive. Especially since he'd been chewing on some seeds or something and he wound up with a little particle geyser. “I reckon I won't be doing that any time soon.” he said, rattling around the paintballs in his hopper. Oh god, he's talking like a cowboy. “Y'see this here feller's on my team, and there are bonds of loyalty that go with that. Pledges were made not even a half hour ago that we would have each other's backs until we broke for lunch and I intend to abide by that.” Jack shook his head, frustrated. “Oh my god. Just let me shoot him a few times and I'll be fine.” “I've got a better idea,” Brad said. “Why don't you use your words and try to talk this out. It's a horrible thing to shoot a man when you're angry at him.” “See, this is what I was saying. We should talk, and then you can shoot me as much as you want!” I got to my feet slowly. “You've just been really overreacting to this entire thing and I think if you just took some time to think” “Overreacting?” Jack yelped. “Overreacting? You were the one who freaked out and dumped me after I asked if you'd ever thought about getting married!” “Well you were the one bringing up marriage to a guy you've been dating for three months! While I was shitfaced!” I took a few steps towards him, stopping when I realized he still had a loaded gun pointed right at me. “Look,” I said, moderating my tone, “you just sprung a poo poo ton on me and I've been having some difficulties processing it, is all.” “So don't dump me! Talk to me!” he yelled. “I get that it was kind of freaky but c'mon man! I love you!” He stared at me, panting hard. “Yeah,” I said, sheepishly running my hands through my hair, “yeah I love you too. Never stopped and don't plan too. You just scare the poo poo out of me sometimes, with your emotions and your paintball gun and so on.” He threw the gun away and spread his arms wide. “Aright, it's just the emotions now. Can you deal with that?” I kissed him before he said anything else. The rest of the group celebrated by firing over our heads, a rainbow of color falling out of the sky. Then they started shooting us, of course, but it was still pretty romantic.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 04:38 |
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I think I liked this! And its inevitable rain of color! It felt true to the challenge. I'm not a judge so you can have a poptab of appreciation. I would say we let the losers wrap themselves up in this comforting story to sniffle for a bit before we shoot them into the sun or whatever we were doing. Did we have a more humane option hidden somewhere?
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 04:46 |
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V for Vegas posted:OK let's get rolling on these. I will still never master tenses I honestly did not think about leveraging when I wrote this but will keep in mind for future prompts. And yeah i wasnt very happy with the beginning of the first part, i was having trouble keeping within the wordcount while still having them dance around trees. Thanks for the crit! Zack_Gochuck posted:Bert's Friend (437 Words) what is this i'm sad now
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 06:44 |
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Thunderdome Week XIX Results How deep, indeed. Not deep enough to read the deadline post that's fer drat sure. Remember - thunderdome judges are treacherous and will try and trick you. Do not let them. In the event the winner was clear - Peel takes the razorwire crown from V for Vegas with an elegantly gnarly tale that balances symmetrical precision and mythic richness. Honorable mention to Benagain, Chairchucker and Ronnie_Long. Gredgie, a new contestant, grabs the loser's ceremonial cowshit hat and jams it over his head, grinning with idiot's glee as rivulets of bovine feculation trickle down his cheeks. Should have checked your line breaks, friend. Also, in future, write better words. Meis and Bad Seafood look on nervously. Detailed crits to follow. Peel, take your seat on the dais.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 09:45 |
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Peel posted:I'll show you guys one day. Soon. Soon...
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 11:01 |
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Pros: I have a crown. Cons: It's the worst of all the crowns.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 16:40 |
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At least you can read a watch.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 19:35 |
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gredgie posted:Pros: I have a crown. See this is why you should not have listened to me when I said I didn't want to be the only newbie. Congrats, Peel! I liked your story a lot, so I am glad you won.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 20:12 |
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gredgie posted:Pros: I have a crown. That's the spirit. Wear that poo poo crown with pride, son.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 21:26 |
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Soldiers from the dawn of time have trodden through poo poo. A poo poo-crown may be a foul crown, but it's the crown of a warrior. Unlike those guys who didn't even submit. The prompt gestates and a keening comes from within the cocoon. The hour draws near.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 21:31 |
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Saddest Rhino Decent cyberpunky fragment, with creaky shoehorning of Bollywoody stuff into it. "The Sitar"? Really? And that's a lovely song, but I'm not getting the connection with your piece. Rose Wreck Space insects soulfully exchanging pheromones to a smooshy fingerpicked ballad while rows of space insect drones dance gangnam style is audacious and p drat cool. My quibble is mainly stylistic - it feels heavy, adjectives laden on everything make it a little clunky to read- could have done with a paring down edit pass. Still, solid entry. Meis Okay, let's be clear: "When I went inside, the look I received from the bartender gave me the impression he recognised me from the last time I was here, and that impression was confirmed when I asked him about Vanhi" is technically an English sentence, but it's not one that has any place in the 'Dome. There's a lot of faffing and padding around in this story and the central love story has almost no weight to it. Also, the first two paragraphs could be cut entirely. As could the wibbling about detector bracelets. And it's not very Bollywood. On the plus side, there's at least the possibility of a decent story in here, and I like the match with the song. Crank it up for next week if you want to avoid the clammy embrace of the losertar. Gredgie The difference between romance and cliche is that romance doesn't get called 'The Broken Chains of Oppression'. There's nothing wrong with the structure here, but it's just smooshed up into a slurry of terrible prose. You have a train carriage full of ways you could subtly convey the things you come out and baldly say, and that makes me weep a tiny Bollywood tear at the missed opportunities. Plus: linebreaks. They are what you might call a pet peeve. You pipped Meis at the post for losertar this week, and frankly if you'd just hit enter a few times more you could have avoided it. Nice song, though a little lacking in story-related drama, it just wurbles pleasantly along. Peel I second guessed my winner pick a couple of times, wondering if you'd taken an easy route casting it as a myth - but no, it's just a really nice piece of work. The shifts between species somehow work on both a mythic and a metaphorical level, and the drama of the music is an exact match with the story, something most of the other music/story matches missed. As for the Bollywood prompt - this is the sort of thing that Bollywood movies get written about, so that works too. Ronnie_Long I liked this. A nice grounded sense of detail, and of the way those details emotionally affect the protagonist. That said, Aadi was a bit of a cipher which removed some of the impact. And you missed a trick by describing their partnership from what seemed to be an external viewpoint rather than the protagonist's experiences. Song choice was acceptable, if obvious - you could have got more mileage out of it by linking some meaning in the song or the movie itself to the story. Greatbacon Ehh. I mean yay for the detail about what it's like to be on a film set, but this reads like a transcript of an interview with Starfuckers Gazette (now weekly!). Competently written, so there's that, but no emotional impact to speak of. Great song choice, though. I HAVEN'T GOT A THING TO... WEAR... zACK gOCHUCK As a piece of writing, I actually like this a lot. Stripped down, nice detail, an insight into a weird and slightly depressing world. As a response to the prompt it fails on every conceivable level. Middling song choice, though it does give me the opportunity to say that one time I saw Beck at a festival, he wore his sparkly suit and moved like an musical cheetah. Chairchucker This actually warmed my heart, sure and it did. Cleanly written, Bollywood styles wittily-integrated, terrible 'blue dwarf' line delivered with panache. Falls down on the final line - should have skipped it. However, 1000 points - out of 100! - for the music. 900 of those points for Mr T's satin shorts. Bad Seafood Hmm. This is all kinds of muddled, Mr Seafood, and even veers close to loserville. The tenses waft around, it's unclear what's happening with pronouns, the characters are moving from place to place or maybe they're not - I bounced right off it. Lovely tune, though, which matches the dreamy ambience you are trying to create. Benagain This is a tight and excellent piece that uses its words to sketch a world and then fills it with stuff we can care about. Funny, too, and a great song choice. Contender for winner if you could have only clicked on a goddam link.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 22:11 |
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sebmojo posted:Rose Wreck The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge." True or false? I'm debating entering the next round just because I'm not sure I can do better than that,* so it's possible that stylistically speaking I don't write what Thunderdome wants. *I can spell "dais" right now, that's well worth the price of admission.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 22:32 |
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Rose Wreck posted:The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge." You're not going to get any more ego-salving praise. As I said, it was a solid piece that needed a bit of a trim. Stick around if you want to improve your writing.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 22:36 |
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Rose Wreck posted:The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge." What is this bullshit? You know how to string a sentence together, and you have some good ideas, just keep writing. You can *always* do better. I want to see you in the next round.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 22:45 |
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sebmojo posted:Stick around if you want to improve your writing. Fair enough. I have other projects I'm working on outside Thunderdome, and I'm concerned for those. If I need to search out an editor I will. But they're not entries so I won't keep discussing them here.
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# ? Dec 16, 2012 22:45 |
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Rose Wreck posted:If I need to search out an editor I will. But they're not entries so I won't keep discussing them here. You don't need to find an editor, you need to learn to self-edit. The only way to improve is to learn what works and what doesn't, and to recognize it in your own writing. Then once you've edited as much as you think you can, you let other people have a crack at it to catch things you missed or make you cut the little things you couldn't bear to take out the first time.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 00:03 |
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sebmojo posted:
Thanks for this. The ending started out a lot happier in my head, then I started changing it to fit the flash rules, and then I just kind of forgot that this was supposed to be happy.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 00:17 |
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Thunderdome Week XX: Face Your Destiny Time marches on. It's week twenty, you aren't teenagers anymore, but most of you can't even read a clock yet. Even so, your fate is come, right on schedule, and you'd better deal with it. The prompt is 'Time waits for no one'. This sentence, sentiment, senility, whatever need not be explicitly stated, but it must inform your story. Additionally, I will randomly assign each contestant one of the Major Arcana of the Tarot, with a number between I and XX. The cards will not be duplicated, if there are too many of you I will break open the minors. Your card and its meaning must also inform your story. The deadline for entries is 00:00 GMT, Thursday 20 December 2012. The deadline for submissions is 00:00 GMT, Sunday 23 December, 2012. This week, there is zero tolerance on this deadline. I don't care if your house burns down or your entire extended family drops in to visit - by signing up, you are betting that this won't happen. Missing the deadline will incur a special penalty. Fate is watching. Do not tempt her. You have one thousand words. Get cracking. GMT clock. Judges: Peel, Sebmojo and Stuporstar Entrants: Fanky Malloons - Judgment Etherwind - The Heirophant Tender Child Loins - The Tower SurreptitiousMuffin - The Magician V for Vegas - The Sun Bad Seafood - The Star Prolonged Priapism - The Hanged Man Noah - The Empress Benagain - The Lovers Sitting Here - Temperance Nyarai - The Devil The Saddest Rhino - The Chariot Kaishai - The Hermit Chairchucker - Justice Capntastic - Death Gredgie - The Moon Zack_Gochuck - The High Priestess Greatbacon - Wheel of Fortune Velyoukai - Strength BirdOfPlay - The Emperor Meis - Four of Wands Martello - Page of Coins toranoradian - Seven of Wands Tonsured - Six of Wands WilliamAnderson - Page of Cups Swaziloo - Knight of Cups Beezle Bug - Two of Wands Erik Shawn-Bohner - Nine of Swords twinkle cave - Two of Cups
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:00 |
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drat, I'm so in.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:08 |
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I would like to sign up for this, but my girlfriend arrives on the 22nd, so that makes the schedule a bit difficult. So, with that in mind: would it be possible to get a Tarot prompt early? To balance it out, I'd be cool with my deadline being brought forward by a similar amount of time. If you're cool with that, I'm in, otherwise I'll have to pass until January. Tooth update: medicated.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:08 |
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Time to redeem my dumbass self. Sign me up!
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:17 |
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IN IT.Etherwind posted:So, with that in mind: would it be possible to get a Tarot prompt early? To balance it out, I'd be cool with my deadline being brought forward by a similar amount of time. Me too. Going camping on the 21st/22nd until after Christmas.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:22 |
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Signed.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:44 |
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Etherwind posted:I would like to sign up for this, but my girlfriend arrives on the 22nd, so that makes the schedule a bit difficult. Actually I was planning to give people cards as they signed up, but the mid-week twist you're implicitly suggesting here is a great idea I'm making official. But having two days to implant major thematic elements might just get us a lot of bad writing, so in view of that the signup deadline has been advanced to 00:00 GMT Thursday.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:45 |
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Peel posted:Actually I was planning to give people cards as they signed up, but the mid-week twist you're implicitly suggesting here is a great idea I'm making official. But having two days to implant major thematic elements might just get us a lot of bad writing, so in view of that the signup deadline has been advanced to 00:00 GMT Thursday.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 01:57 |
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The old deadline was Friday. It looks like this might be common given the season, so people who have schedule problems can request to have an early draw PMed to them at 00:00 GMT on the 18th or 19th. You'll still only have 72 hours after the draw to submit, and I'll request that you don't post until signups are complete. Time waits for no-one, but for some people, it speeds up.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 02:06 |
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Only cure for a slump is to climb out of it. I'm all in.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 02:30 |
I'm in.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 02:37 |
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Okay, I'm in on the condition that I get a Tarot on the 18th. I have lots of stuff to do, so the earlier the better.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 03:53 |
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In.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 03:57 |
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In! This sounds rad as hell. THIS TIME I WILL NOT BE LATE.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:08 |
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Etherwind posted:Tooth update: medicated. Could be worse. Also I miss your old icon, try to win. Passing on this round. Why? Because I need that time. I'm going to rewrite my first Thunderdome entry and add a chapter to both works in progress by the time this one closes. Not posting the chapters, will post the rewrite, and if I don't have it all done I'm automatically in next 'dome. For two entries.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:11 |
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Not that it's going to apply to me, but what happens if you win after losing? Do you get your old avatar back?
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:14 |
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I will be in for real this week. My garage temporarily became a homeless shelter but one resident randomly went to Ohio and the other now has an apartment, so I finally get to come home and write without being in a constant state of quiet misanthropy. I still have to locate and dump out some errant pee bottles but after than I AM BACK you fuckers. Don't ever let drunk people be alone in your home with a lot of paint, by the way.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:18 |
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Sitting Here posted:without being in a constant state of quiet misanthropy. As opposed to a soberly, intermittent state, one assumes.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:20 |
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I missed you dudes. It's been a couple depressing months without the 'dome. I may have nearly had an anxiety attack writing/submitting, but damned if I didn't grin for like a week straight afterwards. I'm clearly not gonna get over my writer's block/depression by staring at my computer and wishing for energy. IN.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:26 |
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Etherwind posted:Not that it's going to apply to me, but what happens if you win after losing? Do you get your old avatar back? We don't know. No-one's ever done it. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE?
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:33 |
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# ? Mar 29, 2024 12:52 |
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Sitting Here posted:I still have to locate and dump out some errant pee bottles Yeah make that three chapters for me by the time this round's wrapped, it's only fair.
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# ? Dec 17, 2012 04:35 |