Politicalrancor posted:

that last bash one is fake because they don't serve big macs and mcgriddles at the same time

quote:

(There is a large anime convention at our hotel. During these conventions, many guests dress up as their favorite characters. Some even go all-out and will wear body paint or mascot suits, carry fake weapons, etc. Even during these conventions, non-convention goers stay in the hotel. I am working the front desk and am approached by a very angry guest.)

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Kick these d***ed freaks out of this hotel! They’re disturbing my children!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The event is already going on, and all of these people have paid to attend.”

Guest: “They’re disturbing my children! They have weapons! They’re dangerous freaks!”

Me: “We wouldn’t allow real weapons on the convention floor. All weapons have been checked, and all of them are props. I can assure you that no one here will harm your children with their weapons.”

Guest: “You’re lying! You’re just covering up for this… cult! It’s a cult of dangerous freaks with weapons!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no cult activity.”

Guest: “If it’s not a cult, then why are they painted grey? And why are they wearing devil horns? They’re the headmasters of the cult!” *motions to a nearby group in costume*

Me: “They’re in costumes. This is an anime convention. Many people dress up in costumes. That group is dressed up as characters from [popular webcomic]. They’re not a cult.”

Guest: “You’re lying! They’re a devil-worshipping cult! They’re going to wait until midnight, then sacrifice all the virgins to Satan!”

Me: “Actually, the only thing happening at midnight tonight is the convention’s dance.”

Guest: “A dance with the devil! You even admitted it! They’re a cult of devil-worshippers!”

Me: “I never said that.”

Guest: “And them, over there! In the animal costumes!” *motions to a group of people in mascot suits* “They’re going to perform strange sex acts on innocent people at the cult meeting tonight! How dare you let this happen?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you would listen to me—”

(There is now a long line of people waiting to be helped behind her, most of whom look upset with the way this guest is talking.)

Guest: *turns around to the people in line* “Don’t check into this hotel! They let crazy cults of devil-worshippers bring weapons in to sacrifice virgins and then have sex!” *runs off*

Next Guest in line: “…Heh. Normal people are funny. Can I please have some extra towels?”

quote:

This happened in high school, so in hindsight I feel like it was a pretty irrational move, but I think what I did was justified.

Anyway, whenever I went to art class there was another class next door, about 2 years above our class, that would enter and leave around the same time. Without fail, every time we waited outside of the class for our respective teachers this girl would make fun of me. She would always point out the shape of my head and then all of her friends would laugh. It infuriated me.

One day I'd had enough, so I followed her around from a distance during recess while she went on some errands and poo poo. I was pretty good at staying hidden, so when she was descending one of the larger flights of stairs I ran down the hall as fast as I could and kicked her in the back. The tumble she took looked incredibly painful, and she was screaming quite a bit, and I almost felt bad for a moment, but then I just turned around and got the gently caress out of there.

She was off school for a while. A month or two maybe. No one ever found out it was me. Still, she had it coming.

quote:

I was at a Halloween party Friday night that fluctuated from 25-40 people during the night. This is in a VERY conservative part of Florida, and basically everyone at this party except myself and my girlfriend is at the very low end of the socioeconomic scale, Wal-mart workers, Waffle House waitresses, etc. We are all sitting out in the backyard of my sister’s place with a roaring fire and all the food and alcohol you could hope for and then some motherfucker has to bring up politics.

Can you imagine who these people are voting for? I think you can. So for the next two hours or so, I took on all comers, and won, constantly, every single time. With my trusty laptop computer I proceeded to prove every single bullshit claim about the Senator’s policies wrong.

“He’s going to take what I have and give it to others!” loving OWNED.
“He’s going to destroy small businesses!” loving OWNED.
“He’ll surrender in Iraq and lose all we’ve gained!” loving OWNED.
<just about any other policy question you can think of> loving OWNED.

And so, once they had exhausted all possible policy arguments against Senator Obama, it was time to pull out the racism and lies. But your humble correspondent was more than ready, and again it was time for people to get loving OWNED.

“He’s a ‘secret’ Muslim!” loving OWNED.
“He’s a communist!” loving OWNED.
“He’s friends with terrorists!” loving OWNED.
“He changed his last name from Osama to Obama!” loving OWNED.

At long last, there was only one fellow still standing against me, a late 20s/early 30s Navy guy who had not dared to face me directly all night but who I had seen whispering poo poo to other people, who I then proceeded to loving destroy.

Now, I don’t want to make too much of this, but I want you all to understand just how bad-rear end this scenario really is. For 2 hours, 2 solid hours, I’ve been standing in front of this flickering fire taking down all comers with calmness, dignity, and aplomb. I’ve convinced 10+ of these people to vote for their own and their country’s loving self-interest this election instead of voting based on fear being sold by assholes. And now, at long last, their chief himself steps up.

I am not making this up. Every single person at this party is now looking at the two of us, and from the remaining McCain people there is a palpable air of “Oh, poo poo, our Navy guy is about to rip his poo poo up!” It’s like the end of a Dragonball Z episode or something. This is what happens, nearly verbatim.

Navy Guy: “You’re going to vote for a man who isn’t even a loving AMERICAN!”
JS: “What do you mean?”
NG: “He wasn’t even born in America! He had to renounce his American citizenship to go to his Muslim school in Indonesia! He’s not even a citizen!”
JS: “First of all, you’re wrong, and second of all, he was like 4 years old. You can’t renounce your citizenship when you’re 4 any more than you can sign a legally binding contract. But that doesn’t matter, because Senator Barack Obama is an American who was born in Hawaii.”
NG: “Aw, bullshit. Go ahead and vote for someone who’s not even an American.”
JS: “So, you are certain about this? That a serving United States Senator whose background has been investigated probably more thoroughly than any other man in the history of the entire world has somehow managed to hide the fact that he is not even an American citizen? Is that what you are saying?”
NG: “drat right.”
JS: “And you are sure about this?”
NG: “One. Hundred. Percent.”

I have you now.

JS: “Then let’s put our money where our mouths are.”
NG: >bright-eyed “confrontation grin” begins to crack< “What do you mean?”
JS: “Well, you’ve made a pretty vicious slander against Senator Obama, and you’ve claimed you are certain it is true. I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not. So how about this. If you aren’t completely full of poo poo and just flat-out knowingly lying, let’s make a bet on it. If you win, I will donate what we bet to Senator McCain’s campaign. And if I win, you will donate what we bet to Senator Barack Obama.”
NG: >grin is gone, I can smell panic< “Fine. How much?”
JS: “Two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars.”
NG: >silence, looks around at the audience<
JS: >extends hand<
NG: “Well, now-“
JS: “Do you want to bet, or don’t you? Because if you don’t, I think it might be indicative that you are lying.”
NG: >silence, sense of mounting panic<
JS: “I have my credit card with me and my computer, and I’m ready to put my money where my mouth is. How about it?”
NG: “Well, you know, you can get whatever you want to come up on that computer.”
JS: “Does that mean you don’t want to bet?”
NG: “I just know you’ll cheat.”
JS: “I’ll let you look it up.”
NG: “Bah, gently caress that, like I’d trust someone who’d vote for Obama.”
JS: “Does that mean you don’t want to bet?”
NG: >silence<
JS: “But you were so confident.”
NG: >glares, looks down, looks around at people, LEAVES PARTY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD<

The best part of this story is what happens next. There was a group of 6 20-25ish kids there who work with my sister. As we silently watch Navy Guy take his walk of shame to his car, the “leader” of this little group indicates me and says, “Man, if that guy is voting for Obama, I am too,” which is roundly huzzahed by his followers. I pretty much felt like Neo in the Matrix.

So, +17 for Obama Friday night in Florida. But even better, 2 solid hours of stomping bullshit into the ground culminating in seeing Emperor Bullshit exposed as having no clothes, after all.

I hope that dude drove home crying and punching his leg.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

(Halloween party story)

Binowru posted:

Who are these loving people that bring laptops to a party?

Nckdictator posted:

One day I'd had enough, so I followed her around from a distance during recess while she went on some errands and poo poo.

quote:

I don't want to start a poo poo storm. From my experience in the military I have found that 3/4 of the woman are whores. They cheat on their husbands and sleep around for promotions and will flirt to get out of work. I am not saying men in the military any better but woman use the rape card a lot if they don't get their way. I have seen a fellow soldier's career get demolished by a female soldier accusing him of rape. This female was supposed to fail basic training but she told her staff that one one of the staff sexually assaulted/ harassed her. She passed basic training and pulled the same stunt.

Nckdictator posted:

"This female was supposed to fail basic training but..."

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

<<story about vasectomy and pregnancy>>

Nckdictator posted:

"This female was supposed to fail basic training but..."

Arschlochkind posted:

Are there people that have "recess" in high school?

OH WORD SON posted:

Angry Bee Dance, Bruiser, and Humper Monkey are prime examples of this.

shit_that_didnt_happen.jpg

iamathousandapples posted:

Man, that's all that ragecomics is. Here's one that's made the rounds a lot.

iamathousandapples posted:

Adus posted:

God, if you were going to make up a story about how you totally told some stupid kids off you think you could at least make up a better line than "No, your music is for fags and mine is better!"

quote:

Walking up to the polling location, I passed several people who were passing out literature just outside of the 100 foot restricted area. Most of them were republican supporters. I kindly denied the lit. saying I already knew who I was voting for. One older guy in his mid 40's was holding a handful of pamphlets for McCain/Palin and started to offer one to me. He must have noticed the shirt I was wearing because he quickly withdrew his offer and gave me a rude look.

On the way out I passed him again with a big smile on my face. He said "Didn't your parents teach you about being an American?" as I walked past him. I turned around and smiled at him and wished him the best of luck. As I did this a group of about 10 people standing off to the side cheered and applauded as I unzipped my hoodie and showed off my Obama shirt.

Khazar-khum posted:

Fun Fact: you cannot wear, display, show or parade around anything relating to the election inside the polling place nor within @ 100 feet of it. We had to send people out to change because they'd wander in with a "Vote For X" shirt/hat/jacket.

massive spider posted:

I then proceeded to walk out singing my favorite song "I want to hold your hand"

Castle Bidimar posted:

who outside the military actually says "ma'am"?

Nckdictator posted:

"This female was supposed to fail basic training but..."