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anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


I'm probably going to regret making this thread, but I don't want to talk to any of my friends about what's on my mind.

What would you consider disrespectful with regards to your partner's porn viewing? I look at porn. I expect that anyone I'm seeing is also looking at porn. It's normal, almost everyone does it, and it would be hypocritical to expect otherwise.

My partner and I live together, and work basically opposite hours. My partner generally uses a desktop computer, and I have a lousy laptop. Sometimes, I use the desktop to play online games, since they run really poorly on my laptop. Partner knows about this and is okay with this. The desktop is basically always left on after partner leaves for work in the evening, and I turn it off before I go to sleep.

It's not that I'm snooping. I only turn on the desktop monitor if a) I'm playing a game, as is understood or b) if I'm turning it off via the start menu. Am I wrong to think it's disrespectful to not even bother closing the porn browser/VLC, knowing that your significant other's going to see it? ESPECIALLY if it seems that the bulk of the porn involves actors with very different bodies from the person you live with? I don't want to start a fight over nothing but I'm starting to feel really lovely about myself. Is it too much to ask that I just don't have to see what in particular you're looking at?

For the record, I thought our sex life was pretty good. We've talked often and openly about what turns each other on...or so I thought, the porn that's left lying around lately seems to suggest otherwise. I've left genders out because I don't think they matter, but I'm sure goons can guess.

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Lavatein
May 5, 2009


Tell your partner that you don't like finding their porn and ask them to close it down before they leave for work.

Telemarchitect
Oct 1, 2009

TOUCH THE KNOB


"Hey dude/girl can you please just close your porno when you're done I don't mind that you look at it just please I don't need to see it"

PT6A
Jan 5, 2006



It's perhaps a little disrespectful to leave it open (I would consider it a common courtesy to close it), but you shouldn't treat it like the end of the world. Mention it to your SO in a non-accusatory fashion and deal with it. If your partner wants to masturbate while looking at something different, it shouldn't be a problem -- it's fantasy, and just because they're wanking to something that isn't similar to you doesn't mean you have a lovely sex life or you're not fulfilling their sexual needs.

Chocolate Milk
May 7, 2008

More tea, Wesley?

I think there's two different issues here.

The first is the porn being open thing and that's (hopefully) easy to deal with. If you ask your partner, "hey, could you close your porn, please", your partner should oblige. It's not a very demanding request.

The second is the bodies not being like yours thing. Clearly that is something that bothers you quite separately from the porn being open thing. It most likely doesn't mean you're not turning your partner on, just that maybe they like some variation from time to time. That's totally normal and not something you should take personally.

But, I am not your partner, I am just a person on the internet, so obviously my opinions aren't really going to help you or make you feel better. Here's the important question: have you talked to your partner about this and how it bothers you?

Goosed it.
Nov 2, 2011


PT6A posted:

It's perhaps a little disrespectful to leave it open (I would consider it a common courtesy to close it), but you shouldn't treat it like the end of the world. Mention it to your SO in a non-accusatory fashion and deal with it. If your partner wants to masturbate while looking at something different, it shouldn't be a problem -- it's fantasy, and just because they're wanking to something that isn't similar to you doesn't mean you have a lovely sex life or you're not fulfilling their sexual needs.

In agree with this given that your sex life is still going strong.

Also, sometimes people are ashamed of what they look at even if they truly trust their partner. Sexual kinks can be all over the place and I would try not to take it personally if your partner is looking at a brand of porn that they haven't mentioned before.

That being said, yeah it's common courtesy to close that stuff when you leave a mutually accessed computer.

Suntory BOSS
Apr 17, 2006



It's a little inconsiderate, sure. The fact that you're small-chested and your BF is watching porn with busty women doesn't mean poo poo though, I don't think you should feel hurt or insecure.

anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


Suntory BOSS posted:

It's a little inconsiderate, sure. The fact that you're small-chested and your BF is watching porn with busty women doesn't mean poo poo though, I don't think you should feel hurt or insecure.

Haha, I figured the genders would be easy enough to guess. The physical descriptions, not so much...I'm fairly athletic and average, I think...and these are some biiiiiig women, voluptuous all over. He's always saying that I'm too skinny.

I may also be upset that he left open a folder of explicit photos sent from his most recent ex. Does that change this game, y'all? She's not as heavy as the ladies in the porn, but she's definitely much more like that than I am.

I agree that having a reasonable discussion about it is clearly the way to go, and that fantasy doesn't mean he's not satisfied with me. I'm just getting peeved and wanted to vent/get some validation.

Telemarchitect
Oct 1, 2009

TOUCH THE KNOB


anirtak posted:

Haha, I figured the genders would be easy enough to guess. The physical descriptions, not so much...I'm fairly athletic and average, I think...and these are some biiiiiig women, voluptuous all over.

Does only one thing turn you on?

e: The ex thing is wierd though

Chocolate Milk
May 7, 2008

More tea, Wesley?

The recent pictures of an ex I can imagine would make you feel more lovely what with the history between the two of them. But as for it changing the game? Not really, you've still gotta talk to him and explain that you're feeling lovely and see how he responds before you actually know if you've got an issue or not.

I think if he was keeping any of this stuff secret you'd have a much more serious problem. The fact that he's leaving it open is evidence that he doesn't feel he has anything to hide, which means you probably shouldn't feel threatened by it.

Agnostic Prophet
Sep 11, 2001

My vast legion of killer monkey robots take pictures of you while you're sleeping.

anirtak posted:



I may also be upset that he left open a folder of explicit photos sent from his most recent ex. Does that change this game, y'all? She's not as heavy as the ladies in the porn, but she's definitely much more like that than I am.



ok at first I thought you were way overreacting but this?!
Why the gently caress is your partner getting and KEEPING explicit pics of their ex?

Goosed it.
Nov 2, 2011


anirtak posted:

He's always saying that I'm too skinny.

.....
I may also be upset that he left open a folder of explicit photos sent from his most recent ex. Does that change this game, y'all? She's not as heavy as the ladies in the porn, but she's definitely much more like that than I am.

Yes these two things change the situation considerably. I would be very uncomfortable with a partner looking at photos of a recent ex. That is just way too personal for me.

Also, I would tell him that you are happy with your body shape and him telling you you are too skinny isn't appreciated. I think there's this assumption that if you tell a thin person they're too skinny that your actual saying that the person doesn't have to keep off weight because of you, but as a thin person it just comes off as unsolicited negative judgment of my body.

Chocolate Milk
May 7, 2008

More tea, Wesley?

Agnostic Prophet posted:

ok at first I thought you were way overreacting but this?!
Why the gently caress is your partner getting and KEEPING explicit pics of their ex?

As for getting the pictures, presumably he got the photos during the relationship? The problem is that he kept them, but if the OP is mainly bothered because his ex is a different body type then that's the main problem. Pretty sure there was a thread on this subject here recently and it's a total minefield so maybe we shouldn't go into it unless the OP actually wants to go into it.

anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


I'm fairly certain that he got the naked ones during their relationship, based on her hairstyle. There are more recent ones though, clothed, saved from her facebook profile. I'm not certain which bother me more.

Would I be out of line to ask for him to delete them?

e: Generally speaking, I'm pretty confident about my body. Clothes fit well, I can do baller things like carry sacks of rice and lentils with no trouble, and while I was single I enjoyed my fair share of attention. I feel comfortable in that, but it's gross to acknowledge the possibility that I'm not entirely attractive to him.

That's not the only facet of our relationship....it's largely built on a shared sense of humour....but it still doesn't feel good.

Dirtbag Diva
May 27, 2005


That is definitely disrespectful and the Facebook pictures are downright creepy. The fact that he's been leaving this kind of thing open with the knowledge you could see it really rubs me the wrong way too. You should definitely talk to him.

Also, personally, I don't think it'd be out of line for you to ask him to delete them. It's not only violating your trust but implicitly violating hers as well.

Torka
Jan 5, 2008



anirtak posted:

I'm fairly certain that he got the naked ones during their relationship, based on her hairstyle. There are more recent ones though, clothed, saved from her facebook profile. I'm not certain which bother me more.

He's seeking out and saving photos of his ex after the relationship is over? That's tremendously creepy.

Suntory BOSS
Apr 17, 2006



Whoa... you would be out of line if you don't smack the poo poo out of him.

He criticizes your weight, leaves porn open showing girls of that specific body type, saves and views explicit photos of an ex-girlfriend then leaves them open for you to find? This is all hosed up and shows a pretty serious lack of respect/consideration for your feelings.

You have every right to be pissed off.

Chocolate Milk
May 7, 2008

More tea, Wesley?

... wait, so he's been saving clothed photos of his ex to his porn folder during your relationship? And leaving this open on a computer he knows you use?

Okay, yes, he has definitely crossed a line. You need to talk to him, and no, I don't think it would be out of line for you to tell him you're uncomfortable about this and would like him to delete the photos.

That said, though? Even if he deletes the photos without objecting, it's still really concerning that he has such an interest in his ex. Were they just normal everyday clothed photos?

anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


Torka posted:

He's seeking out and saving photos of his ex after the relationship is over? That's tremendously creepy.

It's harder to tell when the more recent ones are from, in his defense....there was a gap of a few months between them breaking up and us getting together, and it's hard to judge someone for wallowing a little after a breakup and looking up the ex. (He broke up with her, though, so ?)

Still though, why save that poo poo?

anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


Chocolate Milk posted:

That said, though? Even if he deletes the photos without objecting, it's still really concerning that he has such an interest in his ex. Were they just normal everyday clothed photos?

Self-photos...the kind you'd take for a profile picture, so you look especially good. Clothed in pretty average shirts though.

bunnybean
Mar 31, 2010



Dump him. This man will never make you feel good about yourself like you deserve to feel. He's berating your body-type while creepily stalking his ex and masturbating to her. Nobody deserves that kind of bullshit.

Chocolate Milk
May 7, 2008

More tea, Wesley?

anirtak posted:

Still though, why save that poo poo?

And why leave it open for you to find?

I definitely think you should talk to him, but at this point I'm finding it difficult to imagine what he could say in his defense.

FourLeaf
Dec 2, 2011


Clearly this is his passive-aggressive way of telling OP to gain weight to be more attractive to him, or else he's going back to the ex

anirtak
Apr 5, 2008


bunnybean posted:

Dump him. This man will never make you feel good about yourself like you deserve to feel. He's berating your body-type while creepily stalking his ex and masturbating to her. Nobody deserves that kind of bullshit.

I appreciate this sentiment and the cheerleading, but this would be overkill as of where I sit right now. There's a lot of history built up between the two of us, and when I lay it out in short sentences from a pissed-off perspective it can look pretty bad. I don't meant this to blindly defend him...I'm very, very annoyed, I definitely will be asking about why he kept photos of the ex after their breakup, and also demanding that he keep his poo poo on lockdown better. The answers, and really, more importantly, his reaction, are going to determine where I go from here.

Thank you everyone for your response, I won't be checking in for awhile/possibly ever (since I've decided what to do)...my lovely laptop battery is about to die.

Creative Username
Oct 9, 2012


I've got to ask, how fat are we talking? Like a little extra, or full blown needs a shamecart to get around?

Also, start leaving up porn of girls that look like you w/ guys that look nothing like him.

Tremynci
Jun 16, 2012


Let me add one more perspective on the "leaving porn lying around" angle: do either of you have godchildren, nieces-and-nephews, or the like? If his computer is pretty much continuously on, how would you explain to a pissed-off parent that the reason little Johnny got an eyeful of Johnny Wad aged 4 is that your SO is too goddamn dumb to shut down his porn? Or, hell, how about his mom?

A computer that is indiscriminately accessible needs to have potentially offensive material removed from plain sight. I'm assuming he doesn't just leave his paper wank mags just lying around the house: this is exactly the same.

As for the naked pictures of his ex: my personal take is that etiquette demands you delete pictures of a naked body you no longer have access to. At the least it is totally reasonable for you to demand he delete them, as that's horribly disrepectful. The clothed pictures... oy vey, I'd run a country mile. But I'm tired of that sort of bullshit, so YMMV.

Death Pits of Crap
Nov 6, 2007


Keeping porn open on the computer is creepy and gross. Is he just watching it like it's Breaking Bad, or something? The notion of someone watching porn, getting interrupted, and then going back without a second thought is pretty weird to me.

Keeping pictures of his exes is really, really creepy. No matter how much "history" the two of you have, a break-up is probably in order. He's caught up in what you look like and wishes you looked like somebody else, implying he doesn't appreciate you very much as a person.

Sapphaholic
Mar 21, 2008

Delicious.

Going to be ignoring the whole creepy photos of the ex thing since that's universally weird and you've already decided on the matter anyway. Here we go:

anirtak posted:

For the record, I thought our sex life was pretty good. We've talked often and openly about what turns each other on...or so I thought, the porn that's left lying around lately seems to suggest otherwise. I've left genders out because I don't think they matter, but I'm sure goons can guess.

Okay, so you need to stop thinking like this. If you two have had a relationship where you can talk about your kinks and turnoffs without any hesitation or trouble, there's really no need to worry. If you ARE worried, just bring it up to them. If it interests you as well, try something new. If it doesn't, then don't. It's as simple as that.

People are allowed to be into more than one thing, and just because your partner enjoys watching certain types of porn doesn't mean they necessarily want to perform the same type of acts. In the end, porn is a fantasy and even the most "down to earth" fantasy doesn't necessarily mirror real life.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't care if my partner kept their porn open. I don't think it's something couples should hide from each other nor is it something to be embarrassed about.

cactuscarpet
Sep 12, 2011

I don't even know what rasta means.


The ex thing is definitely out of bounds. You need to draw a hard line on that, it seriously suggests he's not in the relationship 100%.

Your porn request is also very reasonable. But when you're looking through someone's porn folder you have to expect all kinds of stuff that's very different from what they're involved with in real life, that's basically what the stuff's for.

I've recently stopped looking at porn entirely, as my girlfriend has made it clear that it makes her very uncomfortable. This was spurred on by some major mistakes I made and need to atone for, but in the end it was mostly a decision that I based on how it made her feel and how much that really mattered to me. Whatever your opinions on watching porn may be, I don't think it should be treated as a given that everyone's going to be doing it while in a relationship and that their partner should just be okay with it. The point being, don't feel bad that you're uncomfortable with certain aspects of it and that you want to set some boundaries. Neither one of you is necessarily right or wrong, but you should always feel free to bring it up with your partner and see if you can't reach a compromise.

slouch
Mar 10, 2009



I would say that it's a common courtesy to put your porn away once you are done with it. Not bothering to close the window or turn off the video is terribly bad manners. Masturbating and watching pornography isn't that big a deal but it's the sort of thing that you are supposed to do privately, like nose picking or using the restroom.

As for keeping pictures of his ex girlfriend, that is definitely a bad thing and you should ask him why he's doing it and ask him to stop.

Car Stranger
Feb 16, 2005



I can't believe people ITT seem okay with this. OP's boyfriend's ex was of a certain body type, and he's jerking off to (naked and clothed, which somehow makes it weirder) pictures of her and porn involving women of that body type, as well as body shaming OP for being 'too skinny'.

I think OP is probably too thin for him to be as attracted to her, and he's being a jerk about dealing with it. Perhaps I'm drawing the wrong conclusions but it really doesn't seem like much of a stretch.

The 'people can like more than one thing' argument is valid, but the bulk of your porn consumption generally lines up with your stronger sexual preferences (mine does anyway) and it sounds like the bulk of OP's BF's porn consumption is voluptuous (fat?) women.

Though with regard to just leaving porn open... my ex and I used to share porn, and it was pretty cool. I think we both acquired a few new kinks that way. So I wouldn't mind, especially if working patterns were such that I couldn't actually have sex with SO.

cactuscarpet posted:

I've recently stopped looking at porn entirely, as my girlfriend has made it clear that it makes her very uncomfortable. This was spurred on by some major mistakes I made and need to atone for,
Sounds Healthy

Katana Gomai
Jan 14, 2007


anirtak posted:

He's always saying that I'm too skinny.

I may also be upset that he left open a folder of explicit photos sent from his most recent ex. Does that change this game, y'all?

Sever.

cactuscarpet
Sep 12, 2011

I don't even know what rasta means.


I do think it's healthy to consider stopping it if it makes your partner uncomfortable. In the end it's an indulgence you can live without, like drinking alcohol or smoking; there's nothing morally wrong with any of those things, but we shouldn't treat them as necessities or basic rights. It's not necessarily always crazy or unreasonable to ask your partner to give up porn even if the relationship is otherwise great.

Lonely Virgil
Oct 9, 2012


~*We have history*~ is never a good reason to stay with someone who complains that you aren't attractive enough for them and wanks off to pictures of their ex while in a committed relationship with you.

Sole.Sushi
Feb 19, 2008

Seaweed!? Get the fuck out!


Breaking it down by parts:

1) Leaving the porn open. You are within your rights to ask him to at the very least, make the drat effort to drag a mouse up to the little X shaped button and close it down. Yeah, we all look at porn but when you want to read the weather, it's mildly off-putting to get an eyefull of tits.
2) Porn is of a body type that isn't yours. This really isn't an issue. To be open, I find all sorts of body types attractive, and as far as porn goes it really depends on my mood. Unless he's looking at something definitely illegal (which he doesn't seem to be), then you can't blame the guy for having fantasies. Fantasies, after all, are just that--a fantasy, nothing real.
3) Porn is of an ex-girlfriend, and includes fairly recent facebook photos. This one does cross the line, however. I get the attraction to his ex's body type, but that's not the sort of thing you go around leaving out. There are likely thousands (if not millions) of women in the porn industry with his ex's body type. If he really wants to masturbate to that kind of body, he should make the extra effort to find someone with that body that isn't a woman he had close relationships with. Aside from your own offense to it, it's not healthy for him to hold onto those sorts of feelings.
4) The whole "you're too skinny" talk. I get the impression that he's awkwardly trying to complement you, making it seem like you effortlessly have a great body. If he says it in a manner that is clearly joking, I wouldn't be worried. If he says it in passing, or with any trace of sarcasm or seriousness, I might suggest you bring it up and ask him to stop.
5) Your own feelings on the issues. It's important for you to take a deep breath and calm yourself as best as you can before you make any decision. It's clear you care about this relationship, and it's not going to help things if you're acting out of emotion. You do have the right to be offended that he's kept pictures of his ex around; definitely ask him what the deal is there, and ask him to delete them. You do have the right to say "hey, so could you turn off the porn after you're done? Cleanup isn't just a jizz rag."
If you find that he becomes defensive about either, you may want to have a good talk with him (not at him); find out what the issues are and work with him on them.
Lastly, some of the best advice I can give you: if you are trying to make your relationship "work" instead of "grow," then you've got a problem.

No Manners No
Jul 15, 2010


Reading through this, I think I've figured out the most disturbing aspect: it's the whiff of, "You need to change to please me," that your partner seems to have.

Everyone gets their one life (not interested in a reincarnation derail) and it's pretty ridiculous to get mad about the way other people experience it. But, if that's all we were talking about here, then I wouldn't be getting the creep vibes.

It's your partner's repeated actions that seem to be saying, "Catch me, because I can't be bothered to actually talk about it, so I'm laying at your feet to bring it up." I'm not going to make any assumptions about what kind of dynamics you like in your relationships, but your partner sounds like a coward. A coward that wants to be a king while he's still a coward.

Seeking out ex-girlfriends pictures, from a time that they weren't dating, and then saving them? Who does that? I'm trying to twist this around in my mind, and I can only come up with 'the kind of person who derives some kind of feeling at having these pictures in his possession.' But, I also have to ask how much digging did you have to undertake to find them? Was there any kind of wall between his privacy and you, or was this so far out in the open that you'd have to be blind not to notice?

Bottom line is that you're picking up something that's making you question your relationship. You don't have to keep working at something that's bringing out the worst in yourself. Go ahead and do your thing, but keep in mind that either your partner is either clueless about the boundary between his private self and other people, and how it affects them, or he isn't and this is shoddy manipulation on his part.

hookerbot 5000
Dec 21, 2009


There are two issues here, the porn one is not that much of an issue if you speak to him and he agrees to tidy up after himself - it's more going to be a problem if you let it fester or if he refuses to see your side and carries on. Try and see it as a disagreement about whether he clears the table after dinner or not, sometimes people genuinely don't see what they're doing as something that might piss their partner off.

The ex girlfriend thing though would be a huge issue to me. Your boyfriend is saving to his hard drive and very possibly masturbating over pictures she put on Facebook. The level of creepiness that displays really needs to be highlighted. Imagine if you found out an ex boyfriend of yours was doing that with completely asexual photographs you put up to share with friends and family. It's really really creepy.

Another thing which might be happening is that he is purposefully leaving these folders and browsers open in the hope that you see them and try to change your body shape to suit him. Maybe that's just me being overly cynical though.

exquisite tea
Apr 21, 2007

and she told me, "Listen honey. There's hundreds of strong men out there. I like men who are kind, who are honest, men who can be open with me."

People on the internet only have the details of your story to go on, and so are going to read the tea leaves wayyy too deeply and come to all kinds of ridiculous conclusions. Telling him to stop leaving his porn open and keeping photos of the ex is a reasonable request, and then just go from there. Any other contributions from goons trying to psychoanalyze your situation are stupid.

Car Stranger
Feb 16, 2005



cactuscarpet posted:

I do think it's healthy to consider stopping it if it makes your partner uncomfortable. In the end it's an indulgence you can live without, like drinking alcohol or smoking; there's nothing morally wrong with any of those things, but we shouldn't treat them as necessities or basic rights. It's not necessarily always crazy or unreasonable to ask your partner to give up porn even if the relationship is otherwise great.
I meant more that you referred to doing it as 'atonement' for unspecified sins. If you're legitimately happy to not watch porn/not especially bothered either way then fine, I just think it should be because you don't want to anyway rather than because you don't want your partner to feel uncomfortable and oh I did [x] lovely thing so maybe this will make my SO feel better - giving up 'indulgences' for other people rather than for yourself strikes me as a poor idea. I certainly think I have the right to drink, smoke and watch porn should I want to.

However, don't want to derail. Apologies.

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cactuscarpet
Sep 12, 2011

I don't even know what rasta means.


Car Stranger posted:

I certainly think I have the right to drink, smoke and watch porn should I want to.

Right, I agree. You're also right that my relationship could be healthier. But the reason I bring it up is to question the apparent consensus that "everyone watches porn" and everyone else should just be okay with it. It makes people like the OP doubt themselves and hesitate to object even when there's behaviour that clearly crosses the line.

It's not such a crazy thing to ask your partner not to seek out images of other naked people. Conversely I also don't think there's anything wrong so long as both sides have no problem with it. Thankfully everyone in this thread agrees that what this guy is doing is simply not on, so I guess I'm not really bringing anything new to the discussion.

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