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Downtown Abey
Feb 14, 2002

maybe i'm just too demanding

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/new...hes-stroker.php

I laughed myself into a headache by the first paragraph. One of my favorite articles all year.

You totally nailed his tone and structure in "Watch a dying man's last breath rattle up through fleshy pipe and take form in the cold night above his head." - simply brilliant.

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Danger-Pumpkin
Apr 27, 2008

Master of Pumpkins


Honestly, this was my first exposure to the guy, but only a few hours after reading the article a friend pointed "The Road" out in a bookstore, and said I might like it. I told them I had "read some of his earlier stuff," and sent them the link.

Livestock
Jan 22, 2001

TOO SEXY FOR DEMOCRACY


Loved this one. Mega dittos to the author.

Chainsawdomy
Jul 3, 2006

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still


There was basically no chance I wasn't going to love this. The one thing that I was waiting for and didn't really see was one of McCarthy's run-on compound sentences like (opening Blood Meridian to a random page):

The two of them were laid among sacks of beans and rice and coffee in the supply-wagon with blankets over them to keep them from the sun and they rode with the slamming and jarring of the wagon half shirring the meat from their bones so that they cried out to be left and then they died.

Then again, I suppose those crop up more in his narrative than descriptive prose, so it might have been hard to work in. Either way, great job.

Durzel
Nov 15, 2005
A Brit cynical

Ended up on the front page when I was trying to get to the forums, how lucky I was to spot this feature. The language used is just perfect, I felt humbled reading it. "Drawn up from perdition, a maw with no face that speaks to a man's worst intention" is art.

EmployeeOfTheMonth
Jul 28, 2005
It's the positive attitude that does it

Having outgrown SA a bit, I only check it infrequently. This stuff makes it all worth it. Thanks Zack for continuing to write on the frontpage.

Discount Viscount
Jul 9, 2010

Watch Out!


He's at it again!

Sex frightens me enough already, why did I read these?!

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


I guess sex is an otherwordly horror of some kind. At least the Brazzers stuff is.

Time Cowboy
Nov 4, 2007

But Tarzan... The strangest thing has happened! I'm as bare... as the day I was born!

This is my new favorite front page series, the best since the glory days of Tooth Tooth and his eagle.

FreudianSlippers
Apr 12, 2010
i hated your big dumb ugly macklemore av so i changed it

well cya

I imagine that's exactly how Lovecraft would react to internet porn. I suspect a time machine was involved in the writing of that article.

bigstupidjellyfish
Oct 25, 2010


I love how in every description Lovecraft eventually claims that the act itself is impossible to describe.

Mr. Maltose
Feb 16, 2011

If you ever need the Defenders drawn as ponies or the cast of Doctor Who, I know where to hook you up.

Please don't want those things.


That's real dedication to the form. Seriously hoping that this becomes a longer series.

Mannex
Apr 12, 2006



I knew slogging through so much lovecraft in high school would pay off one day

Keanu Grieves
Dec 30, 2002

TEAM DYLAN


Based on this, my buddy encouraged me to GIS "alien fleshlight."

Boy, I wish I hadn't.

Chainsawdomy
Jul 3, 2006

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still


Third installment: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/new...ames-babies.php
I don't have much to say accept that this one is just spot on. I'd ask what other authors were coming but I don't want to ruin it for myself.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


These are so great. The style is so well imitated and I absolutely love the idea of famous others writing such mundane bullshit.

Ceciltron
Jan 11, 2007

Text BEEP to 43527 for the dancing robot!

Absolutely amazing. These are excellent pastiche works (and probably my favorite new series).

Chairman Capone
Dec 17, 2008



Love the GRRM one. As someone who lives in Hartford, that would be the most interesting thing to happen here in years. Also, please do take Waterbury off our hands.

fuzzy_logic
May 2, 2009

unfortunately hideous and irreverislbe


I am snorting. YOU MADE ME SNORT LIKE A NERD

Mannex
Apr 12, 2006



Dostoyevsky one was missing something about someone owing someone else [however many] rubles

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/new...sky-ip-riaa.php

Bilbo Faggins is truly the darkest violation of the SW:TOR TOS.

Lord of teh Rapes
Jan 7, 2013

räpkultur


Improbable Lobster posted:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/new...sky-ip-riaa.php

Bilbo Faggins is truly the darkest violation of the SW:TOR TOS.

This was awesome, especially because the physical incarnation of Raskolnikov used to post on these very forums.

Chris!
Dec 1, 2004

E

Franz Kafka Writes for Sodastream's Website

This was my favourite yet! The only work of Kafka's that I have read is The Metamorphosis, but his voice was still very apparent in this.

I think that Zack is a mad genius to concoct such ideas.

Dolash
Oct 23, 2008

Pickle: Inspected.


The best part of that Kafka article was the first line of the introduction on the main page, "Kafkaesque writer Franz Kafka". Perfect.

0dB
Jan 3, 2009


gently caress. You just don't know how happy the Kafka stories made me!



SORRY I meant gloomy and oppressed.

Shmorky
Nov 6, 2002

IT'S TIM

Zack Parsons continually proves himself to be the best writer on the internet.

Grandpa Goodtimes
Oct 10, 2012

I know one bone in my body that works.

The Kafka Sodastream article is fantastic, I had no idea there were more of these.

door Door door
Feb 26, 2006

Fugee Face


New one. I've never bothered to actually read any Rand, but this is exactly what I picture her writing style as: completely devoid of conversations and in their place, absurd monologues. As always, hilarious.

Simian_Prime
Nov 6, 2011

When they passed out body parts in the comics today, I got Cathy's nose and Dick Tracy's private parts.

Great article. My favorite parts are the names of her liberal straw-men (Wimpton, Careslimp, Feelmitch, etc).

Freak Futanari
Apr 11, 2008



Zack, I hope you never stop writing these.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


I once thought to myself "Hey, this Atlas Shrugged sounds like an interesting book" then I tried to read it and felt disgusted by everything inside.

Zack managed to capture this feeling in the best of ways.

0dB
Jan 3, 2009


wargamerROB posted:

absurd monologues.

Not just monologues but a monologue unlike those you might have heard prior to this one

Schwarzwald
Jul 27, 2004

「Thunder Crash!!」


I am going to begin referring to my DVD player as "region liberated."

effectual
Feb 9, 2013

Only the smallest QB can ascend.


I have been loving these. I never even heard of sodastream before, now I see articles about cbs blocking their ad because of collusion with Pepsi and coke. Maybe next you can do Sylvia Plath, in light of her book getting a stupid new cover. Reading her stuff for a college lit class was dreadful.

Undead Unicorn
Sep 14, 2010

by Lowtax


Quit insulting J-List by saying Ayn Rand would be allowed to write advertisements for it.

Seriously that was a great way to sum up both Rand's writing style and career. It was the perfect metaphor.

coolhockey
May 3, 2005

let's party like it's 1994

These are all brilliant, and I wish I had more friends who were familiar with Kafka because I kind of want to print it out that one in particular and hand it out to everyone I know.

Optimist Prime
Jul 30, 2007



George Orwell Writes for the Fatheads Website

First time I've read one of these, and it's simply tremendous. If WWE Studios ever decides to make a new 1984, Big Brothershow is a must.

Ixtlilton
Mar 10, 2012

How to Draw
by Rube Goldberg


These articles should really be getting more recognition than this paltry little thread. While the first one (the thread title) remains my favorite, the overall quality of these articles is amazing and manages to capture the style of each writer so well it's both astounding and hilarious. Good work Mr. Zack Parsons.

Ixtlilton fucked around with this message at Feb 16, 2013 around 05:24

Kevin DuBrow
Apr 21, 2012



http://www.somethingawful.com/d/new...yce-letters.php

Amazing. When I first found out about Joyce's letters I was amazed and horrified, and this article gave me that feeling all over again. Parsons must have had fun writing this one.

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Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


James Joyce was pretty messed up.

Though he would be perfectly at home on the internet.

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