The Farm 2013. Flash Fiction and Snippets Critique Hub (<1000 Words)

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Farm 2013. Flash Fiction and Snippets Critique Hub (<1000 Words)

shooz: Oct 10, 2006; there's no life like no life

Helsing posted:

It feels like you're writing a movie script rather than a short story.

This is the exact feeling I had when I read your piece, ViggyNash. I can see the way it would be shot; a far-off shot of the harbour, then a closer shot of an alley where we see a young girl gripping a fence, a sleek woman pointing a gun at the girl and a grey-haired man ready to attack the woman. But you can't, or at least shouldn't, show every detail of a scene in writing. In a movie it might take ten seconds to do that, but in writing you're using several paragraphs. That makes the reader think these guys are just standing around for ten minutes doing nothing. And it gets boring - like others have pointed out. If I were you I'd just forget about the scenery. Don't worry whether or not your reader will imagine something different than you intended - that usually happens. You have to capture your audience using words - not by describing scenes you want them to see. Maybe it would help if you tried to think in words to begin with, rather than visualizing the scene and then trying to put it into words.

ViggyNash posted:

I keep posting my introduction because I wasn't really sure how to start.

How about you skip the intro and start somewhere else? Even if you're not sure on how to introduce your characters, just start writing the story. You can always go back an add some introductory elements if you think they're needed.

shooz fucked around with this message at 23:52 on Aug 11, 2013

# ¿ Aug 11, 2013 23:46

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 03:36

shooz: Oct 10, 2006; there's no life like no life

CommissarMega posted:

The obelisk stood before Shara, eldritch runes glowing red on its obsidian surface, pulsing with the rhythm of a great beast�s breaths. The chamber was silent,I think you need a period or an "and" here. Without one or the other, you're implying that the chamber was silent because there was no other light source. the sole illumination ~~being~~ was the deep crimson of the stone pillar.

Shara kicked it.

�Great, there goes everyone�s bonus,� the elf said, running her hand through her hair. [Not that she didn�t see this coming, though- the engine was a bit on the old side, after all. It was just that being on the arse-end of Hegemony space meant that engine replacements were going to be a bitch to find. She walked back to the room�s entrance and reactivated the lights, before turning back to the engine. Far as she could tell, the engine was good for one, maybe two more jumps, then-] I'm not sure about writing down her thoughts like this - at least not so early on. I'd rather read about something happening, than her thoughts about buying/fixing an engine.

Something dripped in front of her. Dark brown droplets stained the floor, and Shara looked up, her eyes widening when she saw the creature above Later, you establish that she isn't shocked by the centipede, but by the bottle he's holding. However, here you write that her eyes widen when she sees the centipede.- a man-sized centipede stretching forth from the ceiling, two pairs of grotesque, armlike claws located just behind an insectoid head that ended in wicked what do you mean by wicked here? mandibles bordered on the outside by delicate manipulator tendrils.For me, this is a little too much detail, too many adjectives and too much jargon - especially in one sentence. We all know what centipedes look like. I understand that you're trying to make him seem disgusting, but you'd succeed better with one or two strong details.

~~But that was not what made Shara jump- it was what the beast held.~~ You don't need to hit me over the head with this. It's also not surprising later on if you tell me now. �Is that...?� she asked~~, not wanting to believe it.~~ Why wouldn't she want to believe that it's a bottle of something she clearly likes?

The centipede nodded, handing Shara the bottle it held. �A bottle of Blackbird, yes,� it said. �Been saving it for a special occasion.�

�You�re an angel, Torch,� Shara said, taking a swig as Torch crawled down from the ceiling beside her. �What? It�s true!� she said when Torch�s carapace rippled blue. I like that his colour changes based on his mood. You also imply it nicely, without telling me. �The ugliest angel, let�s be fair, but an angel nonetheless.�

�Doubt it,� Torch replied. �If I were, I�d have brought you a new engine.�

�Hm, good point. What the hells are you doing aboard my ship then, you useless roach?�

�Mooching,� Torch said, crawling towards the engine. �Eating your hair while you sleep." This seems forced. As does the line above.

�And anyone who actually means it when they call you �roach�?�

�I call it morale-building.� I don't get this joke.

�Certainly makes me feel better.� What does? The hair-eating? Or the drink? Shara took another swig, and sighed as she looked at the engine again. �You think it�d sell for anything?�

�How much you want to sell it for?� Torch asked as he came back.

Shara shrugged. �Enough?�

�Then nope.� He took the drink out of Shara�s hands and had himself a short sip. �So... how bad are things?� he asked, handing the bottle back.

Shara sighed. �We�d be running on fumes and dreams for a while,� she said, �but I�ve got enough saved up to at least pay the crew their salaries. No bonuses though, and if this goes on another six months, it�d be just you and me again.�

�And no lower,� Torch clicked. This time, his carapace grew even redder. �No lower,� he said, trying to reassure himself.

�I�ll drink to that,� Shara groaned, leaning her head back. �Gods, can you imagine how smug Father would be if I moved back in?� Does she groan while she says "I'll drink to that" or does she say "Ill drink to that" , take a sip, then lean back and groan, before she says the next sentence? I'm guessing you mean the second option.

�You can move back in with me,� Torch said. �My hive would love to have you.�

�Like that would stop Father,� Shara said. �He�d set up a covered chair in front of the house every morning, and just smug at me as soon as I stepped out of your place.� She stood up. �Nothing for it- we�re shelling out for a new engine at Elphes,� she said. �Something dwarven, maybe.�

Torch let out a high-pitched chitter. �I thought you wanted to save money?�

�Doesn�t have to be top of the line,� Shara said. �As long as it lasts longer than this lump,� she said, looking up at the stone obelisk, �it�s fine by me.�

�Well, you�re the captain,� she heard Torch say as he came up from behind her.

�And the chief engineer,� Shara reminded him. �And the head negotiator,� she said, waggling her finger as they walked off. Not feeling this either

�Yes, yes,� Torch said, placing two arms around the elf. �You�re indispensable. My duties twiddling the navigation controls are surely numbered.� nor this line

�And don�t you forget it,� Shara said, placing her own arm around Torch.

The hook isn't working for me. Shara, whose name my brain keeps auto-correcting to Sarah, needs to buy a new engine. If she doesn't succeed, she can either a) return to her dad who is gonna gloat or b) return to her best friend Torch's hive and her father would gloat. This isn't really a risk though, since she has the money for a new engine, so I expect we're gonna see her go buy a new engine and possibly lose her crew. Not super interesting. Then again, I guess it's fine as long as something interesting happens in the next chapter/we find out what's at stake.

The dialogue is boring. The characters sound the exact same, and use "funny" stock phrases, especially toward the end. The dialogue reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which worked well enough on screen, but I'm not sure if it works here. I guess you're trying to show the two joking around with each other, having fun etc. But it's not funny when I read it.

There's also a lack of description, or just plain out showing what's going on. As far as description goes, I do not mean that you should describe every single thing in the room. I'm talking about adding a detail here, a detail there - details that make the story a little more tangible. Same goes for the action between the dialogue - which is bland. She sighs, groans and runs her hand through her hair. The reason we obviously use these types of descriptions is to show, rather than tell, how a character feels. And there's nothing wrong with these words in themselves, I suppose, but they are so often used as labels for a feeling that they are almost invisible to me. They aren't precise, and so the story isn't vivid. Here's a bad and exaggerated example of what I mean:

He unbuttoned his suit jacket and sat down. He cleared his throat. The man on the other side of the table looked at him and smiled.

versus

He unbuttoned his suit jacket - a cheap two-piece he picked up at H&M - and sat down in the squeaky chair. He cleared his throat. The man on the other side of the table was observing him, his lips stretched into a thin smile.

Personally, I get a lot more mood and info from the second version. The first one is ambiguous. I don't know anything about the situation. The second one tells me he's probably embarrassed about his cheap suit, that the room is silent and that the situation is awkward etc. The problem with the first example is that it's not giving me much of anything - I'm not immersed in the story. Now, less is also more, so one should never over-do it, but excluding the bit about the mandibles and stuff, you're not giving me anything much to go on here.

I realize that the wall of text might seem harsh. Your writing isn't bad, however; it's clear and to the point. Nor did I need to force myself to read through it. The things I criticised didn't jump at me, I had to think long and hard about why I didn't get into it. And I'm obviously not sure that I'm right about any of it. I still hope I was of some use.

# ¿ Mar 19, 2014 00:32

shooz: Oct 10, 2006; there's no life like no life

CommissarMega posted:

Would it be too much if I reposted a corrected version later?

I'm not in charge here, but I'd love to read a revised version.

And btw, the last quote in your post is by Djeser, not me.

# ¿ Mar 19, 2014 17:57

shooz: Oct 10, 2006; there's no life like no life

Rollofthedice posted:

Shifting
388 words

It was a ~~particular~~ unnecessary day in February, a decade ago. It was bright out, very bright, even as the sun set. Snow blanketed the earth, occasionally intermixing with falling petals and leaves and blossoms.This struck me as weird. Leaves don't fall in February - they've already fallen in September and November. Blossoms and petals won't be out before April/May. I have a hard time picturing this. There was an aesthetic appeal, as if tiny paint splotches had fallen on a clean canvas. It was cold. I was waiting.

It took hours before I sighted my friend on the northern road. He was a speck on a lane of dirt and ice that stretched past my known world. What do you mean by this? Has the narrator really never walked up that road? He'd traveled its length and returned, and I knew before even seeing his face that the distance had changed him, hurt him. Do you mean this in a literal sense? Or is this some metaphor for the man having left the place, travelled the world, whatever? Even his speck looked morose.

Another half-hour before he stood in front of me.This sentence sounds off. There's a verb missing in the first part I think. I'd write "It took another half-hour before he stood in front of me or Half an hour later he stood in front of me. Okay, reading this again, I'm not sure if you mean he HAD already been there half-an hour earlier, or whether it took him half an hour to get there. Something's off either way. The moon had risen, and was full. Orange Where does the orange come from? replaced silver, and fog crept in. I could see my friend staring past me, at a large patch of white mixed with ashes What ashes?. He knew what I knew, and as I told him the news all he did was nod, remove the comma and stare.

He asked to see the graves. While I walked with him to the cemetery, silent, I took the time to study his changes. He was in his military getup, which twinkled with a half-dozen badges and pins of honorable service. He walked upright, stiff, and would've seemed proud I thought he looked morose, not proud. if his eyes hadn't been so dull. I wondered at remove the at how many people he had killed, and whether he was used to death.

We arrived at the cemetery. I led my friend to two sixth-month old plots near the center of the quiet place, and left him to any grief he had. As I neared the exit � passing the tombstones, old and new, the rows of markers above countless bodies dead of uncounted causes � I heard a gunshot. It cracked through the air, unsettling the ground. For a split second, I felt as if the quiet, funerary sanctuary had been defiled, and imagined skeletons shifting in their sleep. Then,You don't need a comma. I don't think you even need the word "then". I ran.
I find it a little weird that he stands there, thinking about skeletons turning in their graves, THEN runs. I'd find it more plausible if he either ran directly, or then thought about the skeletons and slowly walked back to his friends, knowing what he'd find.

My friend's blood stained the tombstones of his wife and child. I thought I could feel its warmth as I stood over him, and as I called 911 He has a mobile phone? Up to this point I was convinced this story was set in the past. Firstly, the guy waits two hours in the cold for his friend to come. Why not just ask him to call when he's there? Then he only finds out his family is dead like six months after they died. Huh? I saw the thousands of red droplets that had stained the snow. Paint, creating a painting. I thought it was night? Sure, snow makes the night brighter, but it's still dark outside.

The blood cooled quickly. It was cold out, and I was waiting. I suppose you're intentionally repeating the last sentence of your first paragraph, but it doesn't do anything for me at least. I only caught it on my second read. "It was cold" is pretty obvious. There's snow and ice, of course it's cold - you don't need to tell us. If you really want to emphasize how cold it is, it might work better if you showed it. You know, hands were numb, breath looked like a puff of smoke, or something.

Sometimes I like writing that describes weather or surroundings. Good descriptions can really make me feel like I'm there. Your piece had some nice moments, but occasionally I was distracted. Mostly because some of your descriptions don't answer to any weather phenomenon that I am familiar with, and you aren't always consistent. l already mentioned that falling leaves, blossoms and snow don't tend to happen at the same time. Also, I've never seen orange moon light. Maybe I've just been really unlucky. Then you mention it's night, but still the narrator seems to see all the grave stones clearly, the red colour of blood on snow etc.

You start the whole piece with "a decade ago", yet you don't ever return to the present so to speak. How is it relevant that it was a decade ago? Does it still haunt the narrator? Is he thinking of this before putting a gun to his own head? What's the point here?

I liked the tone of your writing, which was mostly bleak and depressing. It suited your story. All in all your writing is clear and you convey a lot of feeling.

Just previewed this before posting and noticed that Djeser has already given you a crit. I'm slow at this critting business. Posting it anyway.

# ¿ Apr 30, 2014 15:42

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