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Lord Windy
Mar 26, 2010
Hi, this is my first critique so I apologise in advance if the critique itself isn't that great.

Baldbeard posted:

"Have you ever found a testimony of will to be peculiar?" He asked in a soft, almost tired voice.

"I've often wondered to myself, why does a dying man's request hold so much weight? I will tell you, and you may be surprised to find that it has nothing to do with the dying man or his will. No, it has to do with the living. We see to a will because, and for no other reason, we want to believe that another sees to our will when we pass. I tell you it is as simple and selfish as that. Every ceremony we have at the time of death is no more than a shallow comfort for those who live on."

To start with, I love this little bit of writing. I've never looked at wills and such like this and it was a bit of a 'ahhhh' moment for myself when I really thought about it. It just doesn't fit with the story, in fact I'd go as far as to say most of the short story feels a little out of context. I'm having trouble putting words to what I mean, so I'll try to illustrate the problem I am seeing as someone who is looking at this without the benefit of the rest of the script.

Baldbeard posted:

"Welcome" Lambert said, standing from a large wooden table that was clearly constructed for a taller man. He walked over to the window at the far end of the room and looked out towards the township. It was raining, as it had been for several days. He wondered for a moment, at what point does the sound of falling rain turn from comfort to agony?

He spoke to the two travelers, eyes fixed on the numerous ponds spreading across the marketplace. Two travellers just entered the room, and Lambert is greeting them

"Have you ever found a testimony of will to be peculiar?" He asked in a soft, almost tired voice.

"I've often wondered to myself, why does a dying man's request hold so much weight? I will tell you, and you may be surprised to find that it has nothing to do with the dying man or his will. No, it has to do with the living. We see to a will because, and for no other reason, we want to believe that another sees to our will when we pass. I tell you it is as simple and selfish as that. Every ceremony we have at the time of death is no more than a shallow comfort for those who live on." And now we are left wondering why he even said this. It's out of context, and while I enjoyed it I'm not sure why Lambert is saying this. Is he a lawyer and finished reading a will? Did a family member die? Is he an odd man with a morbid mind?

I like the line, I would be wanting to keep that in if it was my own story. I'd just look for someway to give it context. If one of the person's who died was a family member or friend, than maybe have his family or friends leave the room just after reading the will. Maybe have him put down his own will in progress or something? If it's too difficult to give this context than save it for later or get rid of it.

Lambert turned and looked at the visitors standing in his chambers. After considering their expression, he shrugged and continued to gaze out of the window.

"I hear you are expert vampire hunters. I've long studied the vampire with fascination. Not that I've ever met one. Although I suppose it is possible." There was now a hint of excitement in his somber voice.
"Have you heard of the Curse of the Last Breath? I'm sure you have. They say if any man breathes a vampire's dying breath, it too will become his last. It's difficult to believe something so beautifully poetic, but if there is a fraction of truth, then I think it speaks volumes about the creatures. Despite their supernatural ability, it seems the vampire remains as frustrated with fate as ourselves. 'All are meant to die', it says." It's still out of context, but more importantly it has the feel of more telling than showing. Rather than let the travellers who sound important speak, he is still prattling on and to be frank it's getting kind of boring. At the same time, it feels suspiciously like clumsy foreshadowing.

"Of course even this rule carries certain, insufferable, exceptions --which brings us to the matter at hand." At this point the Vampire Hunters should be trying to say something here rather than keep standing there. If you think about this same kind of situation in real life, you probably wouldn't just stand there while someone just prattles on.

"In times of need, these simple people seek penance with providential gods, but sadly they also seek bargains and sacrifices with less merciful deities. You see, they bring calamity onto their own heads with their trifling in the forbidden. And on who else, but this lowly land owner, does the burden of removing said calamity land?"

"Grievous circumstances," he said, shaking his head.

"Perhaps some fool made the right pact with the wrong witchdoctor. Or more likely, two lovers took their quarrel to the grave. What matters is there now resides a beast, an abomination, in my land, at the abbey of which this township is named. So, I hope you see clearly why you are here. "


I really feel like this isn't advancing the story at all and is now it's all padding. I would just cut this out entirely and do dialogue with the Vampire Hunters instead


I'm sorry if this was a bit harsh. My opinion is just to rewrite the second half of this work with dialogue between the Vampire Hunters and Lambert rather than the current monologue.

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