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I was looking through CC and didn't see anywhere to post short humor pieces within the first few pages. I occasionally write hokey comedy list crap and they usually don't make it out of my facebook. Recently I've been writing a lot more so I wanted to expand my audience a bit. I'll post my newest (very short) piece here and hope I'm not making GBS threads the thread up! Baldbeard's Pro Tips On Using Chopsticks Eating with chopsticks is hard, and there's nothing more embarrassing than being the only one at the table using forks and spoons like some kind of barbarian or regular person. So I've compiled a short list of tips to give you the edge when dining out at Asian restaurants with friends. Posture is key. Are you sitting up straight? Why not? Do you know how much you are disappointing your mother right now? When using chopsticks, it's important to have your knees parallel to the floor, elbows parallel to the table, and head tilted upwards until parallel with the back of the chair ( This should be uncomfortable but not painful). Are you sure those are chopsticks? The line between chopsticks and drumsticks is vaguely drawn. Even experts in the music industry disagree on how to define the differences between the two. So don't be embarrassed if you have mistaken the musical utensil for the dining one. The only way to be sure is to check the small serial code on the top of the stick. If the 8-digit number starts with the letters CHOP it's a drumstick. If you see musical notation, it's a chopstick. When was the last time you updated your drivers? If you don't have automatic updating enabled, chances are your chopsticks aren't compatible with the food you are attempting to eat. Your best bet is to check the manufacturer's website for updates before each meal. Hold the first chopstick like you would hold a pen. Unless you are European and hold pens awkwardly using your middle and ring finger. In this case you are better off just using a fork. I'm sorry, a 'forke'. You have two hands, use them both! While one hand is operating the chopsticks, the other hand should be gathering the foot into small balls so it is easier to pick up. Are you in outer space? Do not use chopsticks in low gravity situations as this is a surefire way to void the manufacturers warranty.
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Jan 31, 2013 19:38
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theworstname posted:Can I use chopsticks to eat drum kits with the latest version? Of course not. That would be ridiculous.
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Jan 31, 2013 22:05
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Here's a snippet from an animated short I'm contributing to (I'm writing the dialogue). The theme is pretty standard medieval times + vampires stuff. I didn't choose the setting, but I was happy to have something to work on. I was told to just write it any style I wanted, and others would pull out a script from it. -There is great danger in communal suffering, because there are those who feed on the suffered.- "Welcome" Lambert said, standing from a large wooden table that was clearly constructed for a taller man. He walked over to the window at the far end of the room and looked out towards the township. It was raining, as it had been for several days. He wondered for a moment, at what point does the sound of falling rain turn from comfort to agony? He spoke to the two travelers, eyes fixed on the numerous ponds spreading across the marketplace. "Have you ever found a testimony of will to be peculiar?" He asked in a soft, almost tired voice. "I've often wondered to myself, why does a dying man's request hold so much weight? I will tell you, and you may be surprised to find that it has nothing to do with the dying man or his will. No, it has to do with the living. We see to a will because, and for no other reason, we want to believe that another sees to our will when we pass. I tell you it is as simple and selfish as that. Every ceremony we have at the time of death is no more than a shallow comfort for those who live on." Lambert turned and looked at the visitors standing in his chambers. After considering their expression, he shrugged and continued to gaze out of the window. "I hear you are expert vampire hunters. I've long studied the vampire with fascination. Not that I've ever met one. Although I suppose it is possible." There was now a hint of excitement in his somber voice. "Have you heard of the Curse of the Last Breath? I'm sure you have. They say if any man breathes a vampire's dying breath, it too will become his last. It's difficult to believe something so beautifully poetic, but if there is a fraction of truth, then I think it speaks volumes about the creatures. Despite their supernatural ability, it seems the vampire remains as frustrated with fate as ourselves. 'All are meant to die', it says." "Of course even this rule carries certain, insufferable, exceptions --which brings us to the matter at hand." "In times of need, these simple people seek penance with providential gods, but sadly they also seek bargains and sacrifices with less merciful deities. You see, they bring calamity onto their own heads with their trifling in the forbidden. And on who else, but this lowly land owner, does the burden of removing said calamity land?" "Grievous circumstances," he said, shaking his head. "Perhaps some fool made the right pact with the wrong witchdoctor. Or more likely, two lovers took their quarrel to the grave. What matters is there now resides a beast, an abomination, in my land, at the abbey of which this township is named. So, I hope you see clearly why you are here. "
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Feb 5, 2013 02:13
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Lord Windy posted:Hi, this is my first critique so I apologise in advance if the critique itself isn't that great. Thanks for the feedback Windy. Yeah, I'm now realizing that I basically gave no context to the story itself, which makes the snippet pretty confusing since it is not a standalone short-story. Lambert is something close to a feudal lord, and he's kind of let things go to poo poo. He also has no family, and so he's turned into the lonely philosopher type. The scene I posted is basically him having visitors for the first time in a long time, and he's struggling to interact with them because he has so much to say. Most of the things you commented on were things I was worried about. So that really helps. I should have injected more of Lambert though exposition than his own rambling. That way readers know this guy is a little eccentric and prone to rambling. Baldbeard fucked around with this message at 15:08 on Feb 6, 2013 |
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Feb 6, 2013 15:06
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