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Hi. I sometimes like to write things in my spare time. I wrote a poem about cigarettes. I call it, "Cigarettes." Idol businessman worship of many decades past Burning white bridges that were never meant to last Ash the sun now, it holds no mystique I house cloud gods in my lungs, and sometimes forget to breath. Chemical based desire to whittle away the years Saviors come and go but the flame is always near Wind rushes too fast like God wants it out But we've overcome the worry of a smokeless drought Part of the appeal is knowing the thrill A very human emotion of enjoying what kills But, of course, it will soon be too late I bet you'd light up in front of St. Peter's face Sometimes at night I see figures in the dust Harlots and heathens in an ocean of rust One day they'll take me and I'll never look back I just have to burn up a thousand more packs Parasitic relationship, but no clear winner My body tars up while the stick gets thinner Take in all the meaning of concrete sin Blow out all the angels and devils within.
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May 2, 2013 07:54
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| # ¿ May 10, 2024 01:46 |
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Zack_Gochuck posted:I like it. A couple of things though, the rhyme scheme is interesting, and works for the most part, but a couple of times it felt a little forced. For example, a cigarette doesn't really get thinner as you smoke it, it gets shorter. That leads me to believe that you used "thinner" not because it was the best word, but because it rhymes with "winner." That's something you really have to watch out for with rhyme schemes. First of all, thank you for your thanks  I wasn't really sure of the reaction I'd get if I posted my poem here. Well, with the "thinner" thing, I figured it wasn't the most accurate word. But, when smoking a cig, it DOES gets thinner in a way. By thinner, I meant that the cigarette decreases in mass and size. It's not the most accurate of descriptions, but it describes how I felt. You are right, though, in the sense that I choose that word because it rhymes with winner. For the second point.... I'm going to be honest here. I originally posted this poem on Facebook. And I have many friends that would be offended if I made this poem as to solely indicate that I was the only smoker I was talking about. So, by writing "you," I thought that I might redirect the "blame" onto others, as opposed to only myself. If I were to only post it here, I would change it to only represent one viewpoint, as opposed to all the "you's" and "I's." As for your poem, I like it! But, I fear I am not knowledgeable to know what you are talking about. Why do you dig with a backhoe in the second stanza, if you have machinery? Why is it yellow?
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May 2, 2013 11:15
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