Etherwind posted:

Fallen

You died on a cold and rainy night
And I knew it when it happened;
How strange we must both have looked,
Me in my brother's bed, still needing,
You in a hospital bed, still, bleeding,
Both as alone as each other -
Though you were surrounded -
As we confronted the darkest fear
You had known, and I had felt.

I dreamed that a policeman came
To knock upon our door and take you
To the hospital-station, your knitted blanket
Thrown up like a wall between us,
Thrown like your cry of despair:
I awoke with one short word -
It must have been familiar -
That summarised every day since
Illness came, your life arrested.

The two last times I went to see you
I did not want to be there:
In either case I was too anxious
To be in the room with you, hearing you speak,
To be in the room with you, seeing you stilled,
And each time I pressed your cheek -
With a farewell caress -
I was not thinking when I next
Would see you, and be held dear.

Song of my soul, all words are late,
And all I dreamed your death has ate:
Every word, every fiction,
Each love and each hate,
All feelings but numbness
Are lost on this date.

I was told that you would stay;
I was told you were gone;
But never both.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Overall thoughts: cliche is death to poetry. Try to find new ways to say things. Play around with linebreaks a bit more to create a greater sense of movement (this one applies to all of you). There's a solid emotional core there but its clothes are too dull and stiff.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

'what if I just don't get it.'

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Not because it's bad: because it's fantastic up until the last line and you completely flub the landing in a really understated way that I can't quite articulate. It doesn't scan well at all but I'm at a complete loss to tell you why.

boogs posted: