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Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...agewar-moll.php

For the first time since 2009 there is a new SA Movie Review! (Also it's a good review). The review columns were some my first exposure to SA so I have to say that I'm happy to see one of them return. Maybe one day the MMO Roulette will return? (It won't)

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Y-Hat
Feb 10, 2007

I'll get you, I'll burn you, I'll crush you, I'll flush you down, down
The toilet where you'll spiral around, round
Awwww tick... tick tick tick


The bad movie reviews and some of the front page articles are what got me hooked on SA in the beginning, and it's good to see them back.

My sister's ex-boyfriend is friends with Greasnin and begged to borrow his review copy of Nukie. He came to regret that.

DoombatINC
Apr 20, 2003

Here's the thing, I'm a feminist.

I was just reading some old Greasnin gems the other day and thinking about how much I missed the old movie reviews. Glad to see them back!

Nucular Carmul
Jan 26, 2005

Melongenidae incantatrix

I've actually been directed to some great gems for whenever it was my turn to pick for Bad Movie Night thanks to those old reviews, so consider this a retroactive thanks for all the good times. Keep these coming!

dog nougat
Apr 8, 2009

Cawtion Ham


Yess!! This looks amazingly bad. May I also recommend:

The Elminators
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJgAeGUD2FU
Graveyard Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lkhs00TJy-Q
Choke Canyon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3As2QTQb5Uk
Enemy Territory (featuring Ray Parker Jr)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F0DJvuz8Go

Shmorky
Nov 6, 2002

IT'S TIM

We watch a lot of terrible movies at the office and this one was one of the more fun bad movies we had to watch. Watch it with friends and you'll have a good time.

The Joe Man
Apr 7, 2007

Flirting With Apathetic Waitresses Since 1984

I would humbly (and anonymously) like to recommend a movie:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1734178

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3437721



You can apparently still buy a digital copy here:
http://www.newfilmmakersonline.com/...32&assetID=4258

Davoren
Aug 14, 2003

The devil you say!



Reading that review of Movie 43 made me feel sort of depressed, god knows what actually watching it would do.

Edit: Oh theres the actual thread I want.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...satan-lando.php
New review up.

The Killing of Satan certainly looks... interesting.

Hydrogen
May 12, 2001

Keep It Unreal

Hey, thanks for the support! My brother and I were always big fans of the movie reviews too, so we're thrilled to be able to bring the column back.

Also, thanks for the movie suggestions! We've got a pretty long backlog of terrible, terrible films already, but we still love to hear about new ones. "The Eliminators" looks like it's right up our alley, I already feel like I could watch THE MAN-DROID stuttering around and shooting lasers all day long.

Davoren posted:

Reading that review of Movie 43 made me feel sort of depressed, god knows what actually watching it would do.

Edit: Oh theres the actual thread I want.

Based on what I've read about Movie 43 it could have plausibly been reviewed in either column, so this is an understandable mistake.

Red Harvest
Mar 13, 2007

Wait, it's Clint? Well shit.


The movie reviews were one of the first things I read on SA, and it's always good to see them come back again. I read The Killing of Satan at 4 A.M. and had to choke back laughter so I didn't wake people up.

Love the new reviews, and looking forward to the next one!

Fell
Feb 22, 2007

It is torment. It is that which draws all tormented souls to you. The flesh knows it suffers, even when the mind has forgotten.


I wanted to chime in like everybody else and say how glad I am these reviews have made a comeback. Like so many other people, awful movie reviews were a big part of why I started reading SA. Keep up the good work guys, these reviews have been really entertaining so far.

Lil Mama Im Sorry
Oct 14, 2012

I'M BACK AND I'M SCARIN' WHITE FOLKS

I was officially hooked on this site a long time ago after reading the Troll 2 and The Ice Cream Man reviews. I remember sharing the reviews with friends in high school and all of us laughing 'til we were choking.

It's great to see this come back. Thank you!

Professor Clumsy
Sep 12, 2008

It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...


I enjoyed this and I'm glad there's room on SA for both Current Releases and these obscure bad movie reviews.

AVBrafaDiMatteo
Nov 30, 2009
Bad ads nab top cop. Also, The Project Pt. II.

When all else fails, cash in your Ruples for new foreign myths.


Davoren posted:

Reading that review of Movie 43 made me feel sort of depressed, god knows what actually watching it would do.

Edit: Oh theres the actual thread I want.

I recently became aware of the strange true story of this film's release in to theaters. I was shown a screening of it in, I think, Nov 2011, and was so mind-hosed and just at the whole thing, I wondered what its deal was. I considered that it might have been part of a Bruno-type movie, where the screening was part of the movie to be released, but....nope, it's the real deal.

Now...I haven't exactly gone to see the theatrical release, as it didn't appear to feature any of the parts that the "first public screening yet" didn't show us.

I am bad at the search feature, but was planning on starting a thread to see if this movie was real, or something I imagined on acid while watching some other movie in a dream.

Considering that it's real, I need to find out what other people (sane or not) think. I waited a goddamn solid 13 months for this movie to come out. It was "Untitled Comedy" (real tentative name), then it was "Redband," and then it was "Movie 43," then "Untitled Comedy," and then apparently Movie 43, last call.

Where is the thread on this movie? It's important that I find out how much was cut out of the version I saw.

EDIT: Ebert's review definitely indicates that the movie has mostly the same parts, but in a much different order than I saw them in...Hugh Jackman's balls-for-a-chin was the opening act, and Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant's part was maybe 3rd or 4th.

This quote is pretty good:

quote:

Since 1999 I've been carrying a blue pill in my pocket, holding onto it for the moment when I'd truly need it. The pill, I was told, would instantly erase the memory of any movie but just the one movie, just the one time.

I was tempted to take that pill after "Freddy Got Fingered." I had the pill in hand as I walked out of every other Adam Sandler movie of the last decade.

But I hung on to it, knowing something even worse was going to come my way one day.

Midway through "Movie 43," I knew the day had come. As the credits rolled with the inevitable blooper scenes of actors breaking character and inexplicably laughing when nothing funny is going on, I swallowed that pill, hoping to erase instantly all mental images of what had just transpired.

Rahonavis
Jan 11, 2012

"Clevuh gurrrl..."


New review up, and it's for a movie I've actually seen. I can confirm that it really does play out like that. It made me seriously wonder if somehow a "Kid learns his parents are spies and needs to rescue them" script, a "Kid goes to Romania and stumbles upon a secret realm of magical beings threatened by a witch" script, and a "Kid learns that he is a magical being himself and must use his new found powers to save the universe" script got blended together at the studio haphazardly.

Rahonavis fucked around with this message at Feb 7, 2013 around 18:57

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


Cheap kid's films are almost universally awful. You can make a good kids film on a budget, mind you, but it requires effort to not make something that looks like Flyin' Ryan, Nukie or Pod People.

Dreddlocks
Oct 23, 2012


Just noticed the movie reviews were back the other day and I have to say, it's nice to see them again. These first three reviews have been great so keep up the good work!

Danger-Pumpkin
Apr 27, 2008

Master of Pumpkins


I hope these guys have the fortitude to keep these running for a long time, because they are great, and I've been missing this feature forever!

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Danger-Pumpkin posted:

I hope these guys have the fortitude to keep these running for a long time, because they are great, and I've been missing this feature forever!

Yeah once again thanks for the support guys, like most of you we've both been hooked on Awful Movie Reviews for a long, long time and that was most of our motivation for bringing them back, so we definitely aren't planning on quitting any time in the foreseeable future. Suggestions/feedback/crazy commentaries are always welcome though; we have a nearly endless backlog of lovely movies to watch/write about, but part of the fun of doing something like this is getting to hear about other people's unforgettably terrible movie experiences/suggestions/rants and we both read & carefully consider just about every message we get because like most of you we are extremely mentally ill and have very little self respect, so if you have any thoughts feel free to fire away and we will do our very best to get back to you!

Reginaldavid
Sep 30, 2006
beautiful cretin

The new reviews so far have been good, but personally I wish they embraced the ridiculousness of the movies & riffed on that in more depth, instead of mostly pointing out the movies' lameness.
Obviously when you're dealing with bad movies the source material can't always be too inspiring, but my favorite jokes in the old reviews were the ones that got into the story and built a new interpretation of the characters (for example I've watched Laser Mission with a few friends, and they've always loved the joke about the villain's secret tweezing addiction).

But that's kind of a nitpick anyhow. It's cool that SA's got the reviews going so regularly again, so thanks for being on top of it, Trillaphon & Hydrogen!

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...iger-coolio.php

I guess Billy Idol's acting career was cut short when he started growling at everyone, huh.


My favourite bad movie would probably have to be Escape From LA. It's so stupid in such a 90s way. Out of place surfing, bad acting, the future of 2013... Pretty great all around. It has a surprisingly decent satiric edge for something so stupid though.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...vasions-lee.php

Another great review.

Oh Christopher Lee, what won't you do?

Hydrogen
May 12, 2001

Keep It Unreal

Rahonavis posted:

New review up, and it's for a movie I've actually seen. I can confirm that it really does play out like that. It made me seriously wonder if somehow a "Kid learns his parents are spies and needs to rescue them" script, a "Kid goes to Romania and stumbles upon a secret realm of magical beings threatened by a witch" script, and a "Kid learns that he is a magical being himself and must use his new found powers to save the universe" script got blended together at the studio haphazardly.

I am shocked and amazed that someone other than the two of us has actually seen Shapeshifter, let me tell you. It definitely gives the impression of a movie written by two writers fighting over the same notebook, doesn't it? There's actually a whole little series of insane Canadian-Romanian family movies, I'm sure we'll end up reviewing some of the other ones:

http://www.imdb.com/company/co0071087/?ref_=tt_dt_co

I've seen Teenage Space Vampires and that one is definitely on our radar, even if it's not quite up to the mind-melting insanity of Shapeshifter.

Improbable Lobster posted:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...vasions-lee.php

Another great review.

Oh Christopher Lee, what won't you do?

Thanks! I can't help but wonder exactly how many minutes of completely stone-silent acting it took for Christopher Lee to realize taking this role was a terrible, terrible idea.

Starship Invasions was one of those movies that's completely ridiculous in premise but painful to watch as a whole, like Corpse-Grinders 2. But you haven't lived until you've seen a robot back-rub a man to death while a '70s cop movie theme blares in the background.

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Apologies for the downtime last week, but we're officially back from our exclusive tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the Subcontinent (read: lovely movie-induced coma) so there'll be a new piece up at the usual time on Wednesday. This week we're shifting gears and doing something a little different and a lot more current in the hopes of killing both ourselves and all of you in a blaze of, uh, "glory." Oh, and Ving Rhames may or may not be involved. Keep a bucket handy.

DoombatINC
Apr 20, 2003

Here's the thing, I'm a feminist.

Awesome. Thought you guys might've been switching to an every-other-week schedule, glad to hear that's not the case.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


Oh dang, something recent.

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...-abc-family.php

Y-Hat
Feb 10, 2007

I'll get you, I'll burn you, I'll crush you, I'll flush you down, down
The toilet where you'll spiral around, round
Awwww tick... tick tick tick


Cyberbully sounds like something that should have been a Lifetime Original Movie. The first time I heard about it, I assumed it was.

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Y-Hat posted:

Cyberbully sounds like something that should have been a Lifetime Original Movie. The first time I heard about it, I assumed it was.

So did I, actually, and this crossed our minds more than a few times when we were watching it, but apparently ABC Family is looking to muscle in on that prestigious niche. God help us.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


It reminds me, in many ways, of Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Command Ant
Aug 9, 2010

Literally the prettiest and best-dressed person in the entire forums!


Cyberbully has the worst acting I've ever seen in a made-for-TV movie. If you haven't seen it, you should at least see the ending. The ending is like a failed parody presented seriously.

Improbable Lobster posted:

It reminds me, in many ways, of Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

This movie is Cyber seduction without the plot or acting.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

Try looking into that place where you dare not look! You'll find me there, staring out at you!


http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...black-eagle.php

You had me at The Case For.

I'm betting that Ghost Dog: A Detective Tail is unrelated to Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai.

Improbable Lobster fucked around with this message at Mar 21, 2013 around 16:19

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Improbable Lobster posted:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/mov...black-eagle.php

You had me at The Case For.

I'm betting that Ghost Dog: A Detective Tail is unrelated to Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai.

That's a good bet - I actually thought it was going to be some terrible straight to video sequel for Way of the Samurai at first too, but turns out it's just some terrible straight to video movie that's literally about a ghost dog solving crimes. I really can't decide whether that's better or worse though, come to think of it. Still too soon to tell whether we'll ever be stupid enough to explore that question in more detail, but there is another Duncan Jax movie Worth Keeter made a year after Black Eagle that's pretty notorious and from what I hear possibly even worse than this one, so we'll definitely be tackling that in the not-too-distant future.

'Duncan Jax will return in "Unmasking the Idol"...'

Reginaldavid
Sep 30, 2006
beautiful cretin

Great review! I can imagine some kids out there thinking "Order of the Black Eagle" is THE action movie that has everything. It sounds just right to appeal to that age about 9 or 10 when kids love completely nonsensical action with a few "serious" elements like Nazis.

And I loved that image of the angst-wracked cowboy.

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Reginaldavid posted:

Great review! I can imagine some kids out there thinking "Order of the Black Eagle" is THE action movie that has everything. It sounds just right to appeal to that age about 9 or 10 when kids love completely nonsensical action with a few "serious" elements like Nazis.

And I loved that image of the angst-wracked cowboy.

Thanks! If we can reach even one bright eyed little boy or girl out there with our slanderous trash and totally obliterate any chance he/she ever had of not developing into a twisted reclusive misanthrope with life-ruiningly bad movie clips, it'll all have been worth it.

Reginaldavid
Sep 30, 2006
beautiful cretin

Trillaphon posted:

Thanks! If we can reach even one bright eyed little boy or girl out there with our slanderous trash and totally obliterate any chance he/she ever had of not developing into a twisted reclusive misanthrope with life-ruiningly bad movie clips, it'll all have been worth it.

Not sure if you're sarcastic, but I wasn't complaining or anything. To me, it's just funny imagining such a mess of a film being someone's childhood favorite.

Onomarchus
Jun 4, 2005



Trillaphon posted:

Still too soon to tell whether we'll ever be stupid enough to explore that question in more detail,

Do you take suggestions here? You could hardly do better (i.e. worse) than A Talking Cat!?!.

Onomarchus fucked around with this message at Mar 22, 2013 around 15:01

Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Reginaldavid posted:

Not sure if you're sarcastic, but I wasn't complaining or anything. To me, it's just funny imagining such a mess of a film being someone's childhood favorite.

Haha, no I know, I was just having fun imagining the same thing.

Onomarchus posted:

Do you take suggestions here? You could hardly do better (i.e. worse) than A Talking Cat!?!.

Sure, we're always open to suggestions - we get quite a few of them and already have a pretty extensive backlog of lovely movies on hand so we can't promise we'll get around to all of them, but there've already been a few great suggestions from goons in here/mailed to us that we'll almost definitely be adding to our list, so by all means keep them coming!

I don't know much about that cat movie but it certainly looks like a goddamn trainwreck. David DeCoteau has directed some real gems over the years, and it seems like Eric Roberts does around 600 bad movies a year at this point. Hell, just looking at the cover is making me more than a little nauseous right now.

Hydrogen
May 12, 2001

Keep It Unreal

Onomarchus posted:

Do you take suggestions here? You could hardly do better (i.e. worse) than A Talking Cat!?!.

We love to hear suggestions, but we do have a pretty sizable list already so don't be disappointed if it takes us a little while to get around to your favorite. That being said, I have never heard of this movie but it already scares the hell out of me. The lowest levels of bad-movie hell are filled with kids' movies. Although it does seem that A Talking Cat!?! was successful enough to warrant a sequel, but I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign.

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Trillaphon
Jul 18, 2006



Thanks to international travel and the ravages of good old-fashioned influenza we were forced to delay last week's review again, but we prefer to think of it as giving you all the gift of one more week to live in a world unsoiled by Recon 2020 - The Caprini Massacre. That being said, this movie pretty much has it all: vampires, werewolves, zombies, jacked up 'space marines' running around an empty warehouse in paintball gear, a mummy that isn't actually in the movie, and such heinous abuse of the color yellow that watching it will probably make you claw your eyes out and fly into a murderous rage the next time you see lemons in the produce aisle.

Also, we're pretty sure it could be a serious contender for the coveted "Most Uncomfortable Portrayal of Human Sexuality in a Feature Film Not Starring Tommy Wiseau Ever" award.

e:

Trillaphon fucked around with this message at Apr 3, 2013 around 06:21

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